Category Archives: Default

Raising Chaste Children in a Pornographic World

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

We live in a sexually broken culture. In modern times, the prevalence of pornography has become a pressing problem for parents. Here are five steps parents can take to raise chaste children in a pornographic world.

1. Parents, teach your children the true meaning of human sexuality and educate them in chastity.

Forming a child in chastity is one of the most important responsibilities mothers and fathers have.1 Because we live in a highly sexualized culture, children are receiving an education in sexuality all the time. It’s imperative that you as parents give them an education and formation in authentic love and chastity throughout their childhood.

First and foremost, parents must emphasize the beauty and sacredness of the body and sexuality, and the truth that we are made for lasting love. We are each made in God’s image and therefore called to love, for “God is love” (1 Jn 4:8). Far from the Church being down on sex, the Church wants to preserve the true meaning of love, including sexuality. Marital intercourse as God designed it serves to promote the oneness of husband and wife and the creation of new life (see Gen 1:28; 2:23-24). Parents should take every opportunity to impress on their children the goodness of God’s design for marriage and the family.

To all parents: Thank you for your great love and sacrifice! . . . You are the first guardians and teachers of your children and are called to be their models of chaste and fruitful love. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 23

Parents should also stress for their children the power of sex. One analogy to use is that sexuality is like a fire. A fire in the fireplace is good; its blaze brings warmth, light and cheer to the home. A fire in the middle of the living room floor is bad; without proper boundaries, it can burn the whole house to the ground.

Take heart! Most parents who talk with their children about the truth and meaning of human sexuality and the harms of pornography find that the awkwardness of the conversation is on the side of the parent—not the child. Children are eager for direction and guidance in such an important area of their lives.

2. Be aware of the widespread availability of pornography and the fact that many children are exposed to it at young ages.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is eleven.2 Over a quarter of children see pornography before beginning puberty, a percentage that has increased over past generations.3 By the age of eighteen, over 90 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls will have accessed pornography online at least once.4 With each new generation now growing up with the Internet, being exposed to pornography is no longer the exception but the norm.

Some children are exposed to pornography inadvertently when online. Others are exposed because of natural curiosities about human sexuality. The younger children are, the more of an effect it can have on their young brains. Study after study shows that young people who seek out and consume online pornography are more likely to have “recreational” attitudes about sex.5 Moreover, researchers have also found there is a significant correlation between frequent porn use and feelings of loneliness and major depression.6

Children and teens who view pornography in effect receive an education about sexuality from what they are viewing. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 17

Often parents fear that teaching their children about sexuality means saying “too much too soon.” But given the young ages at which children may first see pornography, unfortunately what happens more often is that parents say “too little, too late.” Mothers and fathers must use prudence and prayerfully consider how much information a particular child can handle and understand at a particular age. Good information arms children with the truth, enabling them to spot more easily the lies of our hyper-sexualized culture. Education in chastity can begin at young ages with encouraging modesty, respect for one’s body, and self-control. Later instruction, best given by the parent of the same sex as the child, can build on this foundation with delicate and clear guidance on sexual morality.

3. If you struggle with pornography use, seek your own healing to be a good example and witness of chaste love for your children.

Many parents find it difficult to broach subjects like sexuality or pornography with their children because of the shame they feel about their own sexual sins and struggles, whether past or present. But do not allow shame or embarrassment to stop you from teaching your children about chastity. If anything, parents who have struggled with sexual behaviors realize that for their children’s sake, they must be honest with themselves, repent of their sins, and seek out healing. A parent’s story of healing is a powerful story of redemption and conversion.

Parents, if you personally struggle or have struggled with pornography or other forms of sexual sin, it is never too late to set a good example for your children. Seek the help you need from the Church, professional counselors, or local support groups to overcome sinful habits that have weighed you down.7

4. Be vigilant about what technology you allow in your home, and establish clear boundaries by installing filtering software and educating your children about technology use.

Technology, and particularly the Internet, is now the primary gateway to accessing pornography. Everything from iPods to game consoles, from laptops to tablets, from TVs to smartphones—all devices that connect to the Internet can access pornography. It’s thus important that parents follow this rule: If I am not willing to monitor it, I will not provide it.

Parents and guardians, protect your home! —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 23

When it comes to protecting our children from the worst of the worst online, good parental controls can go a long way. Here are some tips:

  • Install Internet filtering on all your family’s Internet-accessing devices: home computers, laptops, tablets, phones, etc. Good filtering software, when set up properly, can block nearly all inadvertent exposure to inappropriate material online.
  • Establish a culture of accountability in your home. Along with filtering software, parents should also be receiving Internet accountability reports. Accountability is not about “catching” children doing wrong but about helping children think more critically about their Internet use. It also encourages parents to have conversations about sites their children visit and search terms they use.
  • Use “safe search” on all web browsers. While these are not foolproof, they can provide another layer of protection.
  • Many mobile devices today come with built-in parental controls that limit the kind of content and apps children can access on these devices. Make sure to use these.

Another concern parents need to be aware of is online sexual interactions. First is the increasingly widespread problem of “sexting”—sending sexually explicit messages, images, or videos through text messaging, e-mail, or social media. One study estimated that two-thirds of teens and young adults have received a “sext,” and forty percent have sent one.8 Some programs allow a user to send pictures that “fade away” right after they are sent, making it harder for parents to keep tabs on their children’s activity. Children and teens may feel pressured into sending or receiving a “sext” by peers.

The second threat are online sexual predators. While there are many different predation scenarios, most of them boil down to adults (mostly men) preying upon common teenage vulnerabilities. Online predators primarily use social media to identify and groom their victims.

The fact is that there will probably always be both adults and teen peers out there who seek to manipulate and misuse others for sexual pleasure and power. What parents must do is engender wisdom into their children so they aren’t easy targets. First, as emphasized above, speak with your children about the body and its sacredness. Teach them that we should keep certain parts of the body private, not because the body is bad or shameful, but because only your spouse should see you “naked and unashamed,” as Scripture says (Gen 2:25). Privacy affirms and protects the sacredness of the person and his or her body.

Also teach your children a healthy distrust of others online. This isn’t pessimism or paranoia; it is realism. Your children need to know that if they choose to be vulnerable online, whether emotionally or sexually, that there are people out there who will take advantage of that. They might spread a sexy photo for others to see, blackmail the person with the photos later on, or use them as a means to try to bond with a vulnerable child. Anyone can be flattering online, but real relationships blossom in face-to-face, honest interactions, not through manipulation.

5. Cultivate loving, trusting relationships with your children so they feel comfortable approaching you with questions about sexuality or sexual images they may have inadvertently seen.

Ephesians 6:4 says a father should bring up his children using “training” and “instruction.” These two activities encompass much of what the Bible says to parents about good parenting, namely providing an environment of structure and support. And of course this applies to mothers, too. As parents, when you provide your children with both structure and support, you will not be authoritarian (overly demanding with no warmth) or permissive (very responsive and warm with no expectations), but lovingly authoritative.

Permissive parents (all support, little structure) unwittingly train children to believe that their every whim and desire is good. These parents falsely believe that the best way to nurture a child’s character is through fewer rules and more familial love. While on the surface their approach appears loving and nurturing—especially compared to stricter parents—these indulgent parents raise children who easily wander into the minefield of sexual sin and have little
experience with resisting temptation and desires.

On the other end of the spectrum, authoritarian parents (all structure, little support) train children to seek refuge anywhere but at home. These parents create an overly critical home devoid of affirmation and encouragement. Kids in these homes start to believe that their parents don’t care about them, or that they will never measure up to their standards. These legalistic parents unwittingly chase their
children into the minefield of sexual sin.

But when parents give both strong structure and loving support to their children, they raise wise
children who desire righteousness, and loved children who know they can turn to their parents for help and mercy. God is always ready to bestow mercy on us. Through loving interactions with a parent, children come to experience, and then learn to trust, in this mercy.

For more resources:

  • www.usccb.org/cleanheart—The landing page for the full bishops’ statement on pornography and many other resources.
  • www.faithandsafety.org— “Technology Safety Through the Eyes of Faith,” run by the USCCB and Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America.
  • Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education within the Family, available on the Vatican website, www.vatican.va.

About the author
Ryan Foley is an Internet safety consultant and vice president of business development for Covenant Eyes, an Internet accountability and filtering service.

Notes
[1] See Pope Francis, Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Laetitia (2016), nos. 280-286, “The Need for Sex Education.”

[2] See Peter C. Kleponis, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography (Steubenville, Ohio: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014), citing “Pornography Statistics,” Family Safe Media (2010); see also C. Sabina et al., “The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth,” Cyberpsychology and Behavior 11 (2008): 691-693.

[3] The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography in the Digital Age (Barna Group, 2016), 115.

[4] C. Sabina et al., “The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth”; L. M. Jones, K. J. Mitchell, and D. Filkelhor, “Trends in youth internet victimization: Findings from three youth internet safety surveys 2000-2010,” Journal of Adolescent Health 50 (2012): 179-186.

[5] M. Flood, “The Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People,” Child Abuse Review 18 (2009): 384-400; J. Brown and K. L’Engle, “X-Rated: Sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with U.S. early adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit media,” Communication Research 36 (2009): 129-151; and D. Braun-Courville and M. Rojas, “Exposure to sexually explicit web sites and adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors,” Journal of Adolescent Health 45 (2009): 156-162.

[6] M. L. Ybarra and K. J. Mitchell, “Exposure to Internet Pornography among Children and Adolescents: A National Survey,” Cyberpsychology & Behavior 8 (2005): 473-486.

[7] For a list of support groups and recovery programs, go to www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

[8] The Porn Phenomenon, 28-29.

 

About this article
Raising Chaste Children in a Pornographic World was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Hope, Healing and Purpose After the Death of a Spouse

My first wife died in 1998 after a long illness. I was 41, widowed, and an only parent to two young boys. Now what? Many days I toiled with despair, hopelessness and questions. Many questions. St. Paul writes in Romans 8:28, “We know in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” To be honest, it’s hard to see the light when you’re in the thicket of grief. His purpose was not my purpose. But fifteen years later, through God’s grace, that has changed. The suffering we all went through has today revealed a beautiful ministry of hope, healing and purpose.

Below are portions from my memoir, The Greatest Gift-A Return to Hope.

———————————

I wrote the vast majority of this book seven to eight years after Ann died. I think I needed some smooth waters to sail my boat on. I penned my words in, of all places, my dining room, on the same table Ann and I bought when we were first married. The same table she made things on, and at which the four of us enjoyed many great meals together.

As I wrote, things seemed to fall into my lap, like phone calls from old friends at just the right time with more descriptive views of what happened. I found writings that Ann made years ago and I think she’d hope they would find their way into print. It felt like all these years later, Ann was still orchestrating things.

We have all moved on now, the boys and I, and all who loved Ann. It’s what she wanted us to do and with her help, we have. You can’t go around grief, the circle brings you back. You march through it. Through the storms, sometimes crying with your head slung low off your shoulders, aching from your heels to your ears, and ironically, it’s the pain that gets you through the pain. Living it, owning it, allowing it to take up residence in you for a while, pouring out your tears to the moon on some bench in the middle of the night, your agonizing screams cutting through the thin cold air.

It’s the pain that gets you through the pain. You follow it. You feel it. It beats you down and builds you back up. It leaves you empty so you can be full again. Without this pain, you’re lost and numb, following a path that leads you back to the same bench and the same screams, slightly muted maybe, a different day, all else untouched.

Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. She’ll always be with me. I have relocated her now to an accepting part of my heart that comforts the memories and messages. She more than anyone has made me into the person I am today. I have merged back into traffic, the wind at my back, a smile on my face, and joy back in my heart. I feel lucky to have lived a good part of my life with her, and every time I look at my two handsome sons she comes back to me and reminds me of what we once had. That can never be taken away. That’s forever.

This journey took me to classrooms I would never have seen and taught me things I would never have known. I know now that the lessons are not in the hardships, they are choosing how to respond to them. I first learned how to grieve, and then I learned how to live. We are all faced with adversity in our lives, some more profound than others, but all these challenges we deal with are designed to teach us something, and when they don’t, it’s no one’s fault but our own.

At the end of her life, Ann gave back all she had left to give and took nothing with her but the love she had for us in her heart. She told me on one of those final days that she felt “blessed to have loved and been loved my so many wonderful people.”

We were blessed too.

——————————-

The ministry of hope, healing, and purpose is called Good Mourning Ministry, a Catholic bereavement apostolate, co-founded by my wife Sandy and myself. Sandy has been through her own grief journey, and we now feel called to help others who mourn. This ministry was founded in 2011, but the call from above came in 2010 during time before our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

I have come to learn there are no stages to grief. We all experience loss in our own unique way. Healing is an intentional process, where we gather together as a community of faith to become disciples of hope. It is through prayerful reflection, practical learning and personal fellowship that we mourn. And in mourning we begin to build our bridge to a new and different life.

Sandy and I have held over 40 “Grieving with Great Hope” workshops with Catholic parishes throughout Michigan and Ohio, supporting the needs of over 1000 grieving people. The “Grieving with Great Hope” DVD Series is now in many parishes throughout the country. “Every parish should have your program. We are so grateful to have found GWGH and welcome it to Central Texas.” – Deacon Tim and Liz Hayden, Holy Family Parish Copperas Cove, TX.

Sandy and I have not only lived our own grief journeys, but we are now educated as well. In addition to being a published author, I am a Certified Grief Counselor. Sandy has a Master’s in Pastoral Ministry, emphasis in bereavement. Above all else, we too are disciples of HOPE. We are blessed.

For more information about The Greatest Gift or Good Mourning Ministry, please visit our website at http://www.goodmourningministry.net, or email us: goodmourningministry@hotmail.com.

Good Mourning Ministry is a Catholic bereavement apostolate. Our mission is to be a transformative ministry, to be bearers of hope and healing to those who mourn the loss of a loved one. The “Grieving with Great Hope” workshops are prayerful, practical and personal. About one-third of the time is spent in church, some of which is before the exposed Blessed Sacrament. The remaining time is used for learning and sharing in small groups. For more information, visit www.goodmourningministry.net.

Related Articles:

The Questions Before Consent

“The Questions before the Consent” are an important part of a Catholic wedding ceremony. True to its name, this moment entails the celebrant (priest or deacon) asking the bride and groom a series of questions immediately before they exchange their consent and are married. As the Order of Celebrating Matrimony explains, these questions involve the couple’s “freedom of choice, fidelity to each other, and the acceptance and upbringing of children” (no. 60). While they are asked the questions together, each person must answer the questions individually. It is a solemn moment, as bride and groom pledge before God and the community their intention to undertake through God’s grace the vocation of lifelong marriage, a permanent union open to the gift of new life.

Celebrant:

[Name] and [Name], have you come here to enter into Marriage
without coercion,
freely and wholeheartedly?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I have.

The celebrant continues:

Are you prepared, as you follow the path of Marriage,
to love and honor each other
for as long as you both shall live?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I am.

The following question may be omitted, if circumstances suggest this, for example, if the couple are advanced in years.

Celebrant:
Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God
and to bring them up
according to the law of Christ and his Church?

The bridegroom and bride each say: I am.

Excerpts from the English translation of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony © 2013, International Commission on English in the Liturgy Corporation (ICEL). Used with permission. All rights reserved.

The Nuptial Blessing

The Nuptial Blessing is a beautiful moment in the Catholic wedding ceremony. It takes place after the bride and groom have exchanged their consent and so have become husband and wife. In this blessing, the celebrant (priest or deacon) prays for the married couple and asks that God give them special graces, including fidelity, the blessing of children, and a long life together. The prayer is filled with Scriptural allusions, going all the way back to the book of Genesis and its description of the way God created the universe and brought together the first man and woman to be “one flesh”.

In the wedding liturgy, the Nuptial Blessing takes place after the couple has exchanged consent and given each other rings. If the wedding takes place within Mass, the blessing comes after the Our Father is said or sung. The Nuptial Blessing is also part of the ceremony when the wedding takes place without Mass and in the marriage of a Catholic and non-Christian (although there is the option in the latter ceremony to replace it with a shorter prayer).

The words of the Nuptial Blessing are worth meditating on, not only for engaged couples preparing for their wedding but also for married couples at any stage. There are three versions of the prayer to choose from in the Order of Celebrating Matrimony; the first is reproduced here.

The Nuptial Blessing

O God, who by your mighty power
created all things out of nothing,
and, when you had set in place
the beginnings of the universe,
formed man and woman in your own image,
making the woman an inseparable helpmate to the man,
that they might be no longer two, but one flesh,
and taught that what you were pleased to make one
must never be divided;

O God, who consecrated the bond of Marriage
by so great a mystery
that in the wedding covenant you foreshadowed
the Sacrament of Christ and his Church;

O God, by whom woman is joined to man
and the companionship they had in the beginning
is endowed with the one blessing
not forfeited by original sin
nor washed away by the flood.

Look now with favor on these your servants,
joined together in Marriage,
who ask to be strengthened by your blessing.
Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit
and pour your love into their hearts,
that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.

May the grace of love and peace
abide in your daughter [name],
and let her always follow the example of those holy women
whose praises are sung in the Scriptures.

May her husband entrust his heart to her,
so that, acknowledging her as his equal
and his joint heir to the life of grace,
he may show her due honor
and cherish her always
with the love that Christ has for his Church.

And now, Lord, we implore you:
may these your servants
hold fast to the faith and keep your commandments;
made one in the flesh,
may they be blameless in all they do;
and with the strength that comes from the Gospel,
may they bear true witness to Christ before all;
(may they be blessed with children,
and prove themselves virtuous parents,
who live to see their children’s children.)

And grant that,
reaching at last together the fullness of years
for which they hope,
they may come to the life of the blessed
in the Kingdom of Heaven.
Through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Note: the words in parentheses may be omitted if it seems that circumstances suggest it, for example, if the bride and bridegroom are advanced in years.

Excerpts from the English translation of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony © 2013, International Commission on English in the Liturgy Corporation (ICEL). Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Convalidation: Bringing Your Marriage Into The Church

Note: The following text is intended to give a basic overview of the convalidation process. Because every couple’s situation is unique and because practices related to the implementation of the process may vary from diocese to diocese, persons interested in pursuing a convalidation and/or a declaration of nullity should speak with their parish priest or a professional at the local Tribunal.

“It is the presence of the Lord, who reveals Himself and the gift of His grace, that will render your marriage full and profoundly true.” – Pope Francis

Is my Marriage Recognized by the Church?
Like other couples in your parish or family, you may be wondering if your marriage is fully recognized by the Catholic Church. Catholic Church law ordinarily requires baptized Roman Catholics to marry before a priest or deacon. Unless they received a “dispensation from canonical form,” Catholics who exchange vows in the presence of ministers from other religious traditions or civil officials are not considered validly married in the eyes of the Catholic Church.

Regardless of what happened in the past, the Catholic Church invites you to bring new meaning to your lives by embracing the vocation of marriage and dedicating your family’s mission to sharing God’s love.

Why Marry Catholic?
Catholic Marriage is unique among other marital relationships because it is a sacrament that makes Christ present in our world. The relationship between husband and wife mirrors the relationship of Jesus Christ for his people. In the Catholic tradition, husband and wife accept a role in God’s plan for humanity. They are ambassadors of God’s love, and they collaborate with God to keep humanity alive.

The vows exchanged by the couple are a sacred pact through which the spouses embrace each other, and, together, embrace Jesus as their partner. Through their union with Christ they participate in the unbreakable pact between God and humanity: the covenant that was sealed in the death and resurrection of Christ.

Benefits of Catholic Marriage
One of the many benefits of a sacramental marriage is the power of God’s grace, which helps couples keep their commitment and find happiness together. Social scientists are finding that couples who recognize God’s presence in their relationship experience more satisfaction and are more likely to achieve lifelong marriage.

All in all, couples who choose to bring their marriage into the Church receive many gifts – peace of heart, oneness with the Church, the fullness of the sacraments, and God’s special blessing upon their marriage.

What if there is a Prior Marriage?
In the simplest terms, if a Catholic wishes to marry in the Church when there has been a previous marriage for either party, the partner in the earlier union must have died or the Church must have issued a declaration of nullity (frequently called an annulment) of the previous marriage.

The Catholic Church views all true marriages with respect. It presumes that they are valid. Thus, it considers the marriage of two Protestant, Jewish or even non-believing persons, any of whom marry according to their own tradition, to be binding in the eyes of God. Consequently, a tribunal process is required to establish that an essential ingredient in the relationship was missing from the start of the previous marriage.

For Catholics with a prior marriage outside the Church, the declaration of nullity is based on what is called a “lack of canonical form.” For Catholics with a prior “valid” marriage, the tribunal process is termed a “formal case.” Catholics should consult with their pastor if a declaration of nullity is needed.

Three Things that Make Marriage Valid in the Church
Three things need to be in place for a true (valid) marriage: capacity, consent, and canonical form. A valid Catholic marriage comes into existence when a man and woman who are capable, give consent to a true marriage, including all the essential properties of marriage, and exchange this consent in the proper form for Catholic weddings.

Convalidation is not simply a “blessing” of an existing union. It requires that a new, free act of consent be made.

Capacity

  • Psychological capacity (emotional maturity and stability)
  • Physical capacity
  • Freedom from impediments (e.g. a prior marriage, vows in a religious order, etc.)

Consent

  • To a lifelong marriage
  • To an exclusive marriage
  • To a marriage that is open to children

Canonical Form

  • To be married in the presence of a Catholic bishop, or a priest or deacon delegated by either the pastor or bishop, and two witnesses according to the Order of Celebrating Matrimony.

NOTE: Special permission is required for Catholics to marry in a place other than their parish church.

Ten Steps toward Convalidation:

  1. Contact your local parish for an appointment with your pastor or his delegate to discuss the situation and determine what must be done.
  2. Obtain a new copy of the baptismal certificate for the Catholic party (or parties). Make that request to the parish where the person was baptized. If the parish no longer exists or baptismal records are unavailable, contact the Chancery office of that Catholic diocese for assistance.
  3. Begin collecting the necessary paperwork for the Pre-Nuptial Investigation.
  4. Participate in formational sessions with a mentor couple, priest or deacon in the parish to prepare you for sacramental marriage; take a Natural Family Planning Class (http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/natural-family-planning/find-an-nfp-class.cfm).
  5. If there is a prior marriage for either party, seek a Church declaration of nullity.
  6. As part of your formational sessions, you may be asked to complete a premarital inventory to identify strengths and areas for growth in the relationship.
  7. If married civilly two years or less, attend a parish or diocesan marriage preparation program (some examples listed here); if previously married, discuss with the priest or his delegate options for specialized preparation.
  8. If married more than two years it is highly recommended that you attend a marriage enrichment weekend or event (some examples listed here).
  9. Determine the date and most suitable type of ceremony. For two Catholics, a nuptial Mass is suggested so that the first meal shared by the couple is the Eucharist, the source and summit of our faith. Plan a joyful get-together that will follow the liturgical service to celebrate the Church’s recognition of your marriage.
  10. Celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation and become actively involved together in your parish community.

Copyright © 2016, Diocese of Trenton. All rights reserved. Altered and used with permission. To order copies of this information in pamphlet form, visit http://www.dioceseoftrenton.org/convalidation.

Order of Celebrating Matrimony, Second Edition, What’s New?

On November 12, 2013, the U.S. Bishops approved two documents with far reaching effects for the Sacrament of Marriage:

  • the English translation of the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, Second Typical Edition;
  • particular adaptations to the Order of Celebrating Matrimony for the United States.

Following the Second Vatican Council (1962-65), the Church published a revised Order of Celebrating Matrimony (in Latin) in 1969 and the official English translation was published in 1970. In 1991, a revised version of this Order of Matrimony was published (in Latin), but the English translation was delayed for various reasons until now. In summer 2015, Rome gave its required approval to the work voted on by the U.S. Bishops. Available for purchase on August 25, 2016, the new Order can be used as of September 8, 2016 and must be used as of December 30, 2016 and after.

What’s New in the Second Edition?

Several things:

  • With the publication of the revised rite, its name will be changed from the present Rite of Marriage to Order of Celebrating Matrimony;
  • the Praenotanda or Introduction is greatly expanded, giving a deeper exposition of the Church’s theology of Marriage (44 paragraphs now as opposed to only 18 before);
  • the Entrance Rites are expanded and elaborated, with two sample introductory addresses provided for the priest or deacon;
  • it is now clarified that the Penitential Act is omitted (something which is usually done whenever there is a solemn procession at the beginning of Mass), and that the Gloria is always included when marriage is celebrated in the context of Mass;
  • within the Order of Celebrating Matrimony itself, there is an alternate form provided for the “Reception of Consent” that invokes Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and even Adam and Eve;
  • following the consent, the whole assembly is invited to respond:
    • Celebrant: Let us bless the Lord
    • Assembly: Thanks be to God
  • whereas a prayer for the couple could already be inserted into Eucharistic Prayer I, similar prayers are now provided for Eucharistic Prayers II and III;
  • two sample Prayers of the Faithful are provided;
  • the four Nuptial Blessings now include an explicit epiclesis or invocation calling forth the blessing of the Holy Spirit:
    • “Send down on them the grace of the Holy Spirit and pour your love into their hearts, that they may remain faithful in the Marriage covenant.”

Finally, there are two new rituals provided in the appendices:

  • An Order of Blessing an Engaged Couple;
  • and an Order of Blessing a Married Couple within Mass on the Anniversary of Marriage (this includes sample formulas for a renewal of commitment and a blessing of rings, both for the original rings or for new ones).

What are new U.S. adaptations?

The Holy See approved certain adaptations to the Order of Celebrating Marriage for use in the United States. One of them is already in the current Rite:

  • an alternate, optional, form of the exchange of consent, except the text will be slightly expanded in the new translation.

Two other adaptations are new:

  • the optional blessing and giving of the arras (coins)
  • and the optional blessing and placing of the lazo or veil.

Blessing and Giving of the Arras (Coins)

These adaptations—important for Hispanic and Filipino cultures—have already been approved for use in the United States in Spanish since 2010. Making them available in English translation is intended for occasions when one of the spouses has this cultural background but the other does not speak Spanish, or where both couples have this cultural background, but have become more accustomed to English than Spanish.

The word arras literally means “pledge.” Usually, the arras consists of a small cask containing thirteen gilded or plated coins symbolizing prosperity. The formula which both bride and groom say to each other during the exchange of the arras highlights their commitment to share together all the goods which they will receive during their married life.

Blessing and Placing of the Lazo or Veil

The lazo is a type of lasso or yoke to symbolize the marriage union. Its most usual form is a double-looped rosary; one loop goes over the groom’s shoulders and the other over the bride’s with the cross hanging between them. The two are now tied together for life, so to speak. To use the biblical expression, they become “one flesh.”

The veil seems to have had its origins as a symbol of both a dying to one’s past self (like a funeral pall) and as a protection from danger (like a cloak or protective covering). While the woman wears the veil, it is placed over the shoulder of the man and oftentimes the lazo helps to hold it in place. It is usually placed just before the Nuptial Blessing, since the Nuptial Blessing, symbolized by the veil, is the “protection” which the Church offers the newly married couple.

About the author
Fr. Dan Merz has been a priest of the Diocese of Jefferson City, Missouri since 1998.

Death of a Child

Of all the pains that life can hand us, arguably the most searing is the death of a child. A parent’s world irrevocably and horrifically changes forever, no matter what the circumstances or the age of the child.

In what seems to be a manner contrary to the natural order, parents not only have a physical and emotional part of themselves ripped away, but also have the loss of all of the hopes, dreams, and aspirations they had so completely invested in their child.

With this loss, a parent’s world radically and dramatically changes forever. Most friends, relatives, and acquaintances do not know how to approach or console for fear of offending or upsetting the parent. Many parents say they begin to feel that they are treated as if they have a contagious disease. In an attempt to seem normal, or “over it,” emotions are suppressed and the parent begins to withdraw or become distant. This reaction, however, compounds the all-encompassing feeling of being totally alone.

Many well-intentioned attempts have been made to assist parents in recovering emotionally from their loss, including psychotherapy and various support groups. However, in an attempt to be all inclusive and “politically correct,” the spiritual perspective of the grieving process—or even the existence of God—is usually lacking (or actively avoided) in many of these approaches.

It was the personal experience of my own family and this deep need for spirituality that led to what is now known as the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents.

Emmaus Ministry logo

Thanksgiving evening of 2002, a healthy, ambitious and successful young US Air Force Captain, Paul Monaghan, took his own life, without any explanation or warning signs. As unexpected as a lightning strike on a clear blue day, Paul’s death shattered our idyllic, comfortable family life forever.

For five years afterwards, when she wasn’t numb, my wife, Diane, frantically searched. Searched for answers from her son’s wife on what actually happened. Searched for answers from his friends on what he was like leading up to his death. Searched for answers from Air Force investigators, who took an entire year to file their death report. Searched for answers not so much to the question of “why” as to “how”. How could her beautiful son do this to himself? How could he do this to the family he loved so much? She frantically searched for understanding, read an entire library of books on the death of a child and suicide, went to psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists, joined support groups and journaled. Nothing helped at all.

During these years, she prayed for two things: the strength to get out of bed in the morning and an understanding of how she could make some good come from such a horrific tragedy, but her prayers seemingly went unanswered. She felt God was not listening. During this time, she says, she received some strength from her faith, but not much comfort.

Then one day, everything changed. Undoubtedly, it was the Holy Spirit that prompted her to attend a totally unrelated program that eventually led to a deep relationship with a compassionate religious sister, who was a Spiritual Director. They met at St. Anthony Shrine, a Holy Name Province Franciscan community in Boston, MA. Slowly, after five years, her numbness began to subside.

Over and over again, she talked with her Spiritual Director about the promise of eternal life…the fact that life has changed for Paul, not ended. The fact that she would indeed see him again. For the first time since 2002 Diane, in the rich teachings of the Catholic Church, finally found peace, comfort, and hope.

All this while, I was on a different journey. I put my feelings and emotions in a tightly wrapped box deep within me, while pretending to the entire world that nothing was wrong and that I was fine.

It is indeed fortunate that my wife and I had the wisdom to grant each other the ability to grieve in our own ways and so avoid what many married grieving parents experience – a good marriage becoming fragile or totally falling apart because of resentment or misunderstanding of the ways in which each other are grieving.

Eventually Diane made the life-changing decision to leave her position as vice president of a local college and go to work raising money for the Shrine in Boston. Growing more deeply in her spirituality, she eventually felt called to ask the Guardian of St Anthony Shrine if he would support a ministry to spiritually serve other deeply wounded grieving parents. She believed that focusing on the spirituality of the grieving process could help many other parents as much as it helped her. He agreed, and together they decided to offer a spiritual retreat for parents whose children had died. They opened it to any parent whose child of any age had died by any cause—no matter how long ago, and no matter how close the parent did or did not feel to God.

And so, with nothing more than trust that the Holy Spirit would guide their efforts, Diane and the Franciscan friars of St Anthony Shrine held their first retreat in March of 2009. I initially wanted no part of this endeavor, reasoning that real men bear up no matter what, fearing any display of any weakness or helplessness. Nevertheless, I ultimately went to the retreat to support Diane. There is no doubt in my mind that during that weekend I, too, was showered with the gifts the Holy Spirit so generously offered that day.

Fr. David Convertino, OFM, then Guardian, described that initial retreat, “This was one of the most grace-filled experiences that I have had during my entire life as a priest and as a friar.”

From this uncertain beginning, the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents was born. It now offers One-Hour, One-Day, and Weekend Spiritual Retreats wherever it is called to do so.

The ministry does not provide therapy or function as a support group. In fact, parents are told that they will not be asked to stand up and relate their stories, or even to speak at all, unless they choose to do so. Rather, the ministry seeks to create a safe and sacred space for parents to “undress their hearts” before God and others who know and feel their pain—and to focus on the tenets of our Catholic faith and the certainty of the Communion of Saints now and in the future. Truly it is new evangelization in action.

Since its inception, this ministry has helped hundreds of parents initiate or reinvigorate their relationship with God—and with their deceased children. Over the past eight years it has evolved into a ministry for grieving parents offered by grieving parents. Very much parent-led, it is a ministry requiring very little parish or diocesan time or money. Parents struggle through and share the horrendous pain of their own journeys with each other, while inviting Jesus to join and comfort them, just as he comforted his grieving disciples on the road to Emmaus.

To the best of our knowledge, there is no other similar type of ongoing ministry focused on the spirituality of the parent’s grieving process anywhere in the United States. Since its inception, the ministry has served hundreds of parents from sixteen states, as well as Canada.

While its spiritual home continues to be St. Anthony Shrine in Boston, the ministry, as a 501(c) (3) non-profit, now partners in ministry with the Archdiocese of Boston, the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston WV, and parishes in RI and CT as part of its mission to assist other parents and dioceses in introducing and maintaining this powerful ministry.

After one or more initial retreats offered in collaboration with our Boston-based retreat team, typically local parents are called by the Holy Spirit to carry the ministry forward in their own areas. In providing witness through personal testimony to other parents, many have found that “It is in consoling that we are consoled.”

Introducing the ministry in your area at little or no cost is relatively easy. Because we have been blessed with generous donations and several grant awards, we are able to come to you, wherever you are, bringing many years of experience and well-developed templates for offering your Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents spiritual retreats. Please call us at 617-542-8057 for more information or email diane@emfgp.org.

About the author
Charley Monaghan is a co-founder of the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents, which serves the spiritual needs of parents whose children of any age have died by any cause, no matter how long ago. The ministry is based in Boston, MA.

Related articles:

Spiritual Help for Grieving Parents

Of all the pains that life can hand us, arguably the most searing is the death of a child. A parent’s world irrevocably and horrifically changes forever, no matter what the circumstances or the age of the child.

In what seems to be a manner contrary to the natural order, parents not only have a physical and emotional part of themselves ripped away, but also have the loss of all of the hopes, dreams, and aspirations they had so completely invested in their child.

With this loss, a parent’s world radically and dramatically changes forever. Most friends, relatives, and acquaintances do not know how to approach or console for fear of offending or upsetting the parent. Many parents say they begin to feel that they are treated as if they have a contagious disease. In an attempt to seem normal, or “over it,” emotions are suppressed and the parent begins to withdraw or become distant. This reaction, however, compounds the all-encompassing feeling of being totally alone.

Many well-intentioned attempts have been made to assist parents in recovering emotionally from their loss, including psychotherapy and various support groups. However, in an attempt to be all inclusive and “politically correct,” the spiritual perspective of the grieving process—or even the existence of God—is usually lacking (or actively avoided) in many of these approaches.

It was the personal experience of my own family and this deep need for spirituality that led to what is now known as the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents.

Emmaus Ministry logo

Thanksgiving evening of 2002, a healthy, ambitious and successful young US Air Force Captain, Paul Monaghan, took his own life, without any explanation or warning signs. As unexpected as a lightning strike on a clear blue day, Paul’s death shattered our idyllic, comfortable family life forever.

For five years afterwards, when she wasn’t numb, my wife, Diane, frantically searched. Searched for answers from her son’s wife on what actually happened. Searched for answers from his friends on what he was like leading up to his death. Searched for answers from Air Force investigators, who took an entire year to file their death report. Searched for answers not so much to the question of “why” as to “how”. How could her beautiful son do this to himself? How could he do this to the family he loved so much? She frantically searched for understanding, read an entire library of books on the death of a child and suicide, went to psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists, joined support groups and journaled. Nothing helped at all.

During these years, she prayed for two things: the strength to get out of bed in the morning and an understanding of how she could make some good come from such a horrific tragedy, but her prayers seemingly went unanswered. She felt God was not listening. During this time, she says, she received some strength from her faith, but not much comfort.

Then one day, everything changed. Undoubtedly, it was the Holy Spirit that prompted her to attend a totally unrelated program that eventually led to a deep relationship with a compassionate religious sister, who was a Spiritual Director. They met at St. Anthony Shrine, a Holy Name Province Franciscan community in Boston, MA. Slowly, after five years, her numbness began to subside.

Over and over again, she talked with her Spiritual Director about the promise of eternal life…the fact that life has changed for Paul, not ended. The fact that she would indeed see him again. For the first time since 2002 Diane, in the rich teachings of the Catholic Church, finally found peace, comfort, and hope.

All this while, I was on a different journey. I put my feelings and emotions in a tightly wrapped box deep within me, while pretending to the entire world that nothing was wrong and that I was fine.

It is indeed fortunate that my wife and I had the wisdom to grant each other the ability to grieve in our own ways and so avoid what many married grieving parents experience – a good marriage becoming fragile or totally falling apart because of resentment or misunderstanding of the ways in which each other are grieving.

Eventually Diane made the life-changing decision to leave her position as vice president of a local college and go to work raising money for the Shrine in Boston. Growing more deeply in her spirituality, she eventually felt called to ask the Guardian of St Anthony Shrine if he would support a ministry to spiritually serve other deeply wounded grieving parents. She believed that focusing on the spirituality of the grieving process could help many other parents as much as it helped her. He agreed, and together they decided to offer a spiritual retreat for parents whose children had died. They opened it to any parent whose child of any age had died by any cause—no matter how long ago, and no matter how close the parent did or did not feel to God.

And so, with nothing more than trust that the Holy Spirit would guide their efforts, Diane and the Franciscan friars of St Anthony Shrine held their first retreat in March of 2009. I initially wanted no part of this endeavor, reasoning that real men bear up no matter what, fearing any display of any weakness or helplessness. Nevertheless, I ultimately went to the retreat to support Diane. There is no doubt in my mind that during that weekend I, too, was showered with the gifts the Holy Spirit so generously offered that day.

Fr. David Convertino, OFM, then Guardian, described that initial retreat, “This was one of the most grace-filled experiences that I have had during my entire life as a priest and as a friar.”

From this uncertain beginning, the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents was born. It now offers One-Hour, One-Day, and Weekend Spiritual Retreats wherever it is called to do so.

The ministry does not provide therapy or function as a support group. In fact, parents are told that they will not be asked to stand up and relate their stories, or even to speak at all, unless they choose to do so. Rather, the ministry seeks to create a safe and sacred space for parents to “undress their hearts” before God and others who know and feel their pain—and to focus on the tenets of our Catholic faith and the certainty of the Communion of Saints now and in the future. Truly it is new evangelization in action.

Since its inception, this ministry has helped hundreds of parents initiate or reinvigorate their relationship with God—and with their deceased children. Over the past eight years it has evolved into a ministry for grieving parents offered by grieving parents. Very much parent-led, it is a ministry requiring very little parish or diocesan time or money. Parents struggle through and share the horrendous pain of their own journeys with each other, while inviting Jesus to join and comfort them, just as he comforted his grieving disciples on the road to Emmaus.

To the best of our knowledge, there is no other similar type of ongoing ministry focused on the spirituality of the parent’s grieving process anywhere in the United States. Since its inception, the ministry has served hundreds of parents from sixteen states, as well as Canada.

While its spiritual home continues to be St. Anthony Shrine in Boston, the ministry, as a 501(c) (3) non-profit, now partners in ministry with the Archdiocese of Boston, the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston WV, and parishes in RI and CT as part of its mission to assist other parents and dioceses in introducing and maintaining this powerful ministry.

After one or more initial retreats offered in collaboration with our Boston-based retreat team, typically local parents are called by the Holy Spirit to carry the ministry forward in their own areas. In providing witness through personal testimony to other parents, many have found that “It is in consoling that we are consoled.”

Introducing the ministry in your area at little or no cost is relatively easy. Because we have been blessed with generous donations and several grant awards, we are able to come to you, wherever you are, bringing many years of experience and well-developed templates for offering your Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents spiritual retreats. Please call us at 617-542-8057 for more information or email diane@emfgp.org.

About the author
Charley Monaghan is a co-founder of the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents, which serves the spiritual needs of parents whose children of any age have died by any cause, no matter how long ago. The ministry is based in Boston, MA.

Try a Five-Point Tune-Up For Your Marriage

At the end of each summer, my husband and I receive a letter that urges us to have our heating system checked before the Fall. It’s usually slipped through the mail slot on an oppressive August day, when more warmth is the last thing I’m thinking about it. But I realize the wisdom of preventive maintenance now, before a breakdown occurs.

Marriages, too, benefit from preventive maintenance. Do you need to discuss a stressful issue before it erupts? Are you looking for an activity or two to rejuvenate your marriage? The end of summer is a good time to plan for marriage maintenance, before the busyness of Fall kicks in. Here’s a five-point list to get started:

  • Talk Turkey. Thanksgiving (and Christmas) turkey, that is. Where will you be spending the holidays? Do you turn into jugglers, trying to balance the expectations of both sets of in-laws? If the two of you agree on a plan now, you’ll be ready to deal with the situation in a way that’s fair to everyone. An added advantage: If you’re flying for the holidays, you’ll be able to shop early for cheaper air fares and the dates you want.
  • Fall for each other—again. Fun fall getaways abound, everything from pumpkin patches and apple-picking to colorful college football games and tailgate parties. Get out your calendars now and pencil in a few dates. Don’t forget that romantic drive to view the fall foliage.
  • Show me the money. The last quarter of the year can bring higher household expenses, including costs associated with the holidays. Can your budget handle it? Be prepared by reviewing your financial status and making any needed adjustments to your spending and saving.
  • Go back to school. Maybe not literally, but Fall is an excellent time to learn a new skill or try a new activity. Check out the offerings from your local public school system or community college. Read the parish bulletin or website to see what’s being planned. Sign up—finally!—to walk for your favorite cause. Learning or doing something new, especially if you do it together, can enrich your marriage. If you decide on different activities, share your experiences with your spouse and bring a new dimension to your marriage.
  • Get fit—spiritually. Summer often means a break from routine. Have you let your spiritual practices slide over the past couple months? Rather than become discouraged, make a September resolution to improve. Schedule time for prayer and spiritual reading, even if it’s only a few minutes. Consider setting aside time to pray with your spouse (see Who Me, Pray?…With Her?). Bring closure to the summer by celebrating the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

National NFP Awareness Week 2019

National Natural Family Planning Awareness Week is Sunday, July 21 through Saturday, July 27, 2019. NFP Awareness Week is an annual campaign to celebrate and educate individuals and couples throughout the country about the gift NFP is to marriages and families. This year’s theme is:

Love, Naturally!
Natural Family Planning
Cooperating with God’s design for married love

What is NFP? Natural Family Planning is a method based on a woman’s menstrual cycle. NFP methods involve daily observations of the scientifically verified, natural and recurring signs of fertility and infertility that a woman’s body displays during her monthly cycle. No chemicals or barriers are used. A couple prayerfully discerns if they feel called to achieve or postpone pregnancy and use the information accordingly.

The dates of Natural Family Planning Awareness Week mark the anniversary of Pope Paul VI’s encyclical, Humanae Vitae. This encyclical explains the Catholic Church’s beliefs regarding human sexuality and responsible parenthood. The Church also celebrates the Memorial of Saints Joachim and Anne, the parents of the Blessed Mother, on July 26.

Be sure to follow the featured NFP Awareness Week page on the USCCB website. The USCCB and For Your Marriage Facebook and Twitter pages will also provide daily graphics and posts in recognition of the week. For more information on Natural Family Planning check out the pages, find an NFP class in your area, or read some articles here on For Your Marriage!

More NFP articles