Tag Archives: Pornography Addiction

Pornography’s Effects On Marriage And Hope For Married Couples

This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

Sam’s Perspective—One Week Before Marriage

One week before our wedding, I walked into a convenience store telling myself it was the last time I would ever use porn. I had been using porn since junior high, but thought I wouldn’t “need” it after getting married. After all, my bride Beth was gorgeous, smart, athletic, cared about her faith, and was my best friend.

Sadly, the first several years of our marriage were filled with heartache, loneliness, and broken trust due to my use of pornography. We reached out for help to multiple counselors and priests, but there were not many people who knew how to help us in the early 2000s. By God’s grace we found one of the best counseling centers in the United States for people struggling with pornography use. We received several years of marriage counseling, attended many support groups, and rebuilt trust and intimacy in our marriage. For the first time in my life, I found hope, healing, and sobriety, and our marriage began to heal.

I am now a marriage counselor who specializes in treating pornography addiction. I have met with many good Catholics, both individuals and couples, who are breaking free from porn. In this article, Beth and I will share practical ideas and resources that have helped us and other couples heal from porn use and have thriving marriages.

Many Good People Struggle

One of the biggest lies that Satan has led many Catholic couples to believe is that they are alone in their struggles with pornography. People may be surprised to learn that many good Catholics and Christians are struggling with this issue. A Barna Survey on US porn use indicated that 37 percent of Christian men and 7 percent of Christian women used porn several times a week or more, and 64 percent of Christian men and 15 percent of Christian women used porn once a month or more.1 Indeed, as a couple, we have met many good men, women, teachers, clergy, youth ministers, and others who have struggled with pornography.

Brain Science of Pornography

It is important for people to understand that porn impairs the brain, whether it is used sporadically or multiple times per week. As the bishops state in Create in Me a Clean Heart, “Viewing pornography, usually combined with masturbation, directly affects the brain’s reward pathways and has been noted to have a similar effect on the brain as cocaine does on a person with a drug addiction or as alcohol on a person with an alcohol addiction” (p. 15). Pornography is never harmless.

Porn Decreases Sexual Satisfaction and Increases Infidelity

A common myth about pornography is that it enhances marital intimacy. This is not true. Instead, research indicates that exposure to pornography decreases sexual satisfaction in relationships for both men and women.2 Numerous physicians have reported that pornography increases rates of erectile dysfunction, even for young men in their 20s and 30s.3 Research indicates that married men who use pornography are more likely to have affairs, are less attracted to their wives, and are less interested in sexual intimacy with their wives.4 Research also indicates that women who use pornography are more negative about their bodies and have less sex in their marriage.5

Using or creating pornography within marriage is always wrong and can never be justified. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 17

In his counseling ministry, Sam has worked with couples who watched pornography together at one point in their marriage, but after a while the wives felt used and exploited. Finding out about the pornography industry’s strong connection to human trafficking and violence against women6 was an important turning point for these couples in their healing journey because it showed them the far-reaching impact of pornography.

Pornography’s Other Impacts on Marriage

Pornography can impact marriages with financial effects, broken trust, and risks of separation and divorce. We have met multiple couples who dealt with job loss due to a spouse using porn at work. Sadly, we have met many couples who did not protect their children from pornography, sometimes because of struggles or deception in their marriage about pornography. Pornography breaks trust and increases the risk of separation and divorce. During a national conference of divorce attorneys, just over half of the lawyers indicated that Internet pornography had played a significant role in divorces they had handled during the last year.7

Spousal Support and Betrayal

Being married to someone who struggles with pornography takes a toll spiritually, emotionally, physically, and psychologically. It is important for spouses to know that they are not the reason their husband or wife seeks out porn, contrary to what they may be told; it is impossible for spouses to compete with fantasy. Spouses can suffer from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder when they discover their spouse’s pornography addiction and can feel a tremendous sense of betrayal.8 In cases of pornography addiction, when one spouse’s behavior seriously disrupts the family’s life, the other spouse is often the one who primarily takes care of the children, the finances, and the upkeep of the home, and maintains the perception that things are okay with family and friends.

Hope for Married Couples

But there is hope! While breaking free from pornography can be difficult and takes time, it is possible. The Lord wants to heal marriages that have been harmed by one spouse’s or both spouses’ pornography use.

Developing Boundaries

Setting clear boundaries can help people avoid pornography use. Several common boundaries include avoiding unmonitored Internet devices, image searches, lingerie ads, smartphones in the bathroom, magazine racks, going to hotel rooms alone, going to bed after your spouse, and lying or withholding information from your spouse. Many couples have found it helpful to use accountability and filtering software on smart phones, tablets, computers, etc. Filtering software blocks the majority of Internet pornography, and accountability software can send weekly email reports of Internet activity to trusted people.

Building Accountability

Speaking of accountability, it is one of the most important factors for people to make significant progress in freedom from pornography. For men, being accountable with other trusted men is often doing them a favor, since most Catholic men need encouragement and teamwork to avoid pornography. Women, too, benefit from accountability groups of women who are striving towards purity. It can take significant courage at first to be accountable with other people, but this is one of the most effective ways to break free from pornography.

To spouses: The Church accompanies you with love and tenderness as you confront this sin and its effects on your marriage and family life. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 22

Healthy Intimacy

Wives may not even realize that during the most intimate time with their husband, he may be dealing with thoughts and fantasies about porn. One of our counselors recommended that we should keep a small light or candles on in the room and make eye contact while making love. Our counselor also encouraged us to affirm and talk to each other while making love. These recommendations helped us to connect and bond deeply. We have also developed more emotional and spiritual intimacy in our marriage through regularly affirming each other, listening to each other, praying together, and emotionally connecting with each other.

Positive Catholic Resources About Sex and Marriage

Several years after beginning our journey toward healing our marriage, we found another great help: St. John Paul II’s teaching on the theology of the body (TOB), which presents in a compelling way God’s plan for sex and marriage. Instead of a negative list of rules, we learned from TOB resources that sex in marriage is meant to be sacred, holy, and even a renewal of our wedding vows!

It’s hard to describe how life-changing these positive concepts from TOB were for us and how much more joy and closeness they brought to our marriage. The concept that sex is meant to be a renewal of our wedding vows has helped us view sexual intimacy as something beautiful and sacred in our marriage. We started saying a short prayer before making love, thanking God for our marriage, and asking for His help to love and respect each other. TOB resources helped Sam understand that the opposite of love is using another person, which has helped him become more selfless and respectful in our relationship.

Praying Together

We have found it very helpful to say a short prayer together each day asking God to bless our marriage and family. We recently started saying a decade of the Rosary with our children at bedtime along with prayer intentions. We each try to read through the daily Mass readings along with other spiritual reading each day. We have also benefited from frequent confession, going to Mass as a family, Eucharistic adoration, listening to Catholic radio and Christian music, having spiritual directors, and being connected with Catholic men’s and women’s groups.

Honesty and Trust

In Sam’s work as a counselor with married couples, he has heard from many wives that their husband’s lies and deception about pornography use are just as painful, if not more painful, than the pornography use itself. These are delicate issues, but openness and honesty between spouses is important for true healing, especially if there has been an addiction to pornography. It can be very helpful for couples to receive support from counselors and priests to develop honesty and trust in their marriages.

Couples Counseling and Support

Married couples who are healing from pornography often need marriage counseling to rebuild trust and communication in their marriages. In addition, marriage enrichment programs or weekends for spouses who are struggling in their marriages can be a great help for spouses to learn to trust each other again and grow in authentic love.9

Freedom from Pornography Addiction

There are multiple online tests for pornography addiction including the Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) and the Internet Sex Screening Test (ISST).10 Three important strategies to break free from pornography addiction include attending twelve-step groups, seeking professional counseling, and receiving marriage counseling. People who achieve long-term sobriety from porn addiction often attend weekly twelve-step meetings, call their sponsor and other group members daily, and diligently work through twelve-step recovery resources. Professional counseling is very important to address the underlying wounds of pornography and to heal marriages.

Spousal Support

For spouses who are healing from the effects of their husband’s or wife’s pornography addiction, professional counseling and spousal support groups are incredibly helpful. Having a safe and understanding counselor to talk with can give clarity and support during challenging times. Spousal support groups are not a place to complain about one’s marriage but a safe place to learn how to get through difficult times with grace, strength, and healthy decision-making.

Conclusion

We hope that these resources will give encouragement and hope to other couples like us who have experienced the damaging effects of pornography. Many good Catholic couples are struggling with porn, and we pray that they will reach out for help, and some day share their stories of hope and healing! We hope that these concepts and resources will help couples not just survive in their marriage but experience more joy, lasting happiness, and real intimacy. For more resources, and to read the full text of Create in Me a Clean Heart, please visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

In Christ our hope,
Sam & Beth Meier

About the authors
Sam Meier, MA, LPC, works for the My House Initiative in the Archdiocese of Kansas City in KS. Beth Meier, MA, teaches 7th and 8th grade religion.

Notes

[1] Provenmen.org Pornography Addiction Survey (2014) conducted by the Barna Group. Survey results are located at www.provenmen.org/2014pornsurvey/pornography-use-and-addiction.

[2] Mary Eberstadt and Mary Anne Layden, The Social Costs of Pornography: A Statement of Findings and Recommendations (Witherspoon Institute: 2010), 38; and Ana J. Bridges, “Pornography’s Effects on Interpersonal Relationships,” in The Social Costs of Pornography: A Collection of Papers, ed. James R. Stoner, Jr. and Donna M. Hughes (Witherspoon Institute: 2010), 89-110.

[3] There are multiple secular articles about “Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction” and “Porn-Induced ED” on PsychologyToday.com. See also Gary Wilson, Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction (UK: Commonwealth, 2014), 27-36; and Belinda Luscombe, “Porn and the Threat to Virility,” TIME Magazine (April 11, 2016).

[4] Eberstadt and Layden, The Social Costs of Pornography; and Paul J. Wright et. al., “More than a dalliance? Pornography consumption and extramarital sex attitudes among married U.S. adults,” Psychology of Popular Media Culture 3.2 (2014): 97-109.

[5] J. Albright, “Sex in America online: An exploration of sex, marital status, and sexual identity in Internet sex seeking and its impacts,” Journal of Sex Research 45 (2008): 175-186.

[6] See Noel J. Bouché, “Exploited: Sex Trafficking, Porn Culture, and the Call to a Lifestyle of Justice” (pureHOPE: 2009); Ana J. Bridges, et. al., “Aggression and sexual behavior in best-selling pornography videos: A content analysis update,” Violence Against Women 16 (October 2010): 1065-1085; and the research compiled by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, www.EndSexualExploitation.org.

[7] Jonathan Dedmon, “Is the Internet bad for your marriage? Online affairs, pornographic sites playing greater role in divorces,” Press Release (2003) re: report from American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers; and Pamela Paul, “The Porn Factor,” TIME Magazine (January 19, 2004).

[8] Debra Laaser, Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2008); and Peter J. Kleponis, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography (Steubenville, Ohio: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014), 102-110.

[9] See the For Your Marriage website for a list of marriage enrichment and support programs: https://dev19.foryourmarriage.org/marriage-resources/marriage-help-and-support/encouragement/ and https://dev19.foryourmarriage.org/marriage-resources/marriage-help-and-support/support/.

[10] The SAST (Sexual Addiction Screening Test) is available at http://www.recoveryzone.com/tests/sex-addiction/SAST/index.php; the ISST (Internet Sex Screening Test) is available at http://peterkleponis.com/SelfTestForInternetPornographyAddiction.

About this article
Pornography’s Effects on Marriage and Hope for Married Couples was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing From Pornography Use And Addiction

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

“Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” (Psalm 51:2, RSVCE)

Striving for a Clean Heart
We are made for love. Each of us is created in the image of God, who is love (1 Jn 4:8), and we are given the vocation of love and communion. Jesus Christ, through his life, Death, and Resurrection, revealed the fullest meaning of love as a sacrificial gift of self. He offered up his body for his bride, the Church (Eph 5:25-26). We are each called to imitate this Christ-like love, including in the exercise of our sexuality as men and women.

But we all struggle to love well and chastely. Living our vocation to love brings the daily challenge of recognizing the beauty of each person we encounter. Today more than ever, maintaining a “clean heart” is difficult for everyone. We are bombarded with sexualized images all the time, and pornography is only a click away. Many good men and women struggle with pornography use. Often they are longing to be loved, to experience joy, or to find relief from the difficulties of life. But what is presented as liberating, euphoric, and fulfilling ends up creating frustration, emptiness, and shame. Pornography, and the masturbation that usually accompanies it, can become addictive behaviors (see sidebar). Using pornography impacts the whole person, body and soul, and thus healing is needed for the mind, the emotions, one’s relationships, and the spiritual dimensions of the person.

It is important to remember that no matter what you have done, you retain your dignity as a son or daughter of God, loved by the Father. What sin has disintegrated, grace can reunite and make whole. Thanks be to God for his great gifts of mercy and healing!

Pornography and Women
Pornography has been traditionally viewed as a man’s issue, but there are a growing number of women who use pornography or are addicted to it. Though it is not the same for all, women may initially seek out online social interaction as a way of experiencing romance. Some women are introduced to pornography by a boyfriend or husband and then become ensnared. It is likely that the Internet has facilitated the rapid acceleration of women using pornography, providing more anonymity and accessibility. The Internet offers a “safer” version of experimentation for women who may have been used or hurt in past relationships. Women, too, need help to find freedom from pornography.

What Constitutes Addiction?
How can you tell if you or someone you love has an addiction to pornography? A simple time-tested definition of addiction relies on the presence of four characteristics:

  • Powerlessness or a loss of control; failure to resist the impulse to use pornography and continuing despite efforts to stop
  • Progression can be an escalation in frequency and amount of viewing, lying to others as well as engaging in more risky behaviors both on and off-line, such as accessing pornography at work
  • Preoccupation with sexual thoughts, fantasies, and acquiring sexual material
  • Pain or despair as a result of pornography use or its consequences

Addiction fools the mind of the affected person into not recognizing the gravity of the situation. If you or someone you love has been compulsively viewing pornography over an extended period of time, despite efforts to stop, it is best to seek advice from a counselor trained in understanding and healing addiction.

Where to Start
In order to change any behavior or attitude, you must take full responsibility for doing something about it. Many people have the desire to change but are not entirely willing to do so. It is often more comfortable to allow a problem to continue than to exercise a solution. The first step toward healing is a sincere willingness to take the steps that are needed, even if they are uncomfortable.

Cultivating chastity takes work . . . It is a lifelong task and a daily choice. Be patient, persevere, and do not be discouraged. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 22

Having a vision for why you want to break free from pornography is also very helpful. For example, seeking freedom could be motivated by the desire to save your marriage, live with integrity, or fulfill your role as a father or mother. Pain is often an initial motivator. The journey toward purity is like climbing a mountain, and we don’t want to stop short. We want to reach the summit and receive the abundant joy and peace God has for us.

Healing the Mind
In order to break free from attachment to pornography, it is important to understand the neurological aspects of pornography use and addiction, and to counter negative thought patterns.

At a neurological level, our brains become attached to viewing pornography because sexual arousal stimulates dopamine in the brain, a neuro-chemical that promotes connection with activities that bring us joy or a sense of satisfaction.1 In the case of viewing pornography, we are training our brains to respond to and enjoy an image or fantasy, not a real person. But since the brain does not differentiate between imaginary and real, it is flooded with the same neuro-chemicals as produced by real sexual intimacy. In fact, the types of images found in pornography cause over-stimulation of the brain, which then wants to repeat the activity and is “triggered” by anything associated with it (being home alone, the computer turning on, etc.). Eventually, repeated over-stimulation caused by viewing pornography decreases our ability to experience normal levels of pleasure and reduces the brain’s ability to regulate impulse and mood.2

The good news is that our brains are more changeable, or plastic, than we may have realized. It takes time, effort, and support, but it is possible to heal the neurological damage caused by viewing pornography. A good way forward is to abstain from all behaviors that lead to sexual stimulation for an initial month. (Support and accountability is needed here.) During this time, it can be helpful to reduce caffeine intake and increase non-media-based activities like exercise. It is helpful to journal about emotions and situations that were “triggers” for pornography use, and to talk with others for additional insight. Eventually, over the course of thirty to sixty days, our brains begin to heal from the over-stimulation caused by pornography and many of the former triggers are felt less intensely.

It is also important to examine one’s beliefs, emotions, and thoughts. The cycle of pornography use and addiction is perpetuated by distorted views of one’s self and others and is fueled by shame.3 Distorted thinking includes an avoidance of facing negative emotions and using denial tactics such as blaming, rationalizing, and minimizing. Other common attitudes that need to be examined and healed are self-centeredness or narcissism, self-pity, and being manipulative. A good goal is to be aware of your negative or distorted beliefs and counter them with the truth that God made you, loves you, and desires for you to be free from sexual compulsion. Often counseling or a support group is a significant help here.

Healing Relationships
Pornography can cause significant harm to a person’s relationships. Viewing pornography changes how men and women see each other. It takes time away from one’s relationships and can cause serious hurt and betrayal when discovered by a spouse or loved one. At the same time, men and women who struggle with pornography use may have unhealed relational wounds or problematic ways of interacting with others that led them to seek intimacy in pornography in the first place. For example, some families of addicted men or women had unwritten rules such as “don’t show emotions” or “deal with your problems alone,” which prevented the development of a healthy sense of cohesion and intimacy in the family. For some people, the fear of being known—and possibly rejected—leads to hiding aspects of one’s self, avoiding intimacy, or trying to control relationships.

Relational healing takes place in many ways, but being accountable to others is one of the best starting points. Accountability can include the use of monitoring or filtering software, but it is much more than that. Accountability involves humbly giving oneself over to the guidance of others who have more experience and have reached a deeper level of freedom from pornography. Joining a group of men or women who support each other on the journey toward purity can be very helpful. A counselor, spiritual director, or mentor can also play an important role by offering feedback and insight to help a person engage in healthy relationships and recognize his or her relational deficits, such as insecurity, approval-seeking, need for control, self-pity, etc. These need to be healed because they may make a person vulnerable to pornography use. True intimacy with others, as opposed to the illusory intimacy promised by pornography, allows a person to share his or her life, emotions, and joys with another person. This is the kind of communion we were all made for.

Spiritual Healing
Finally, using pornography has profound effects on a person’s spiritual life and damages his or her relationship with God. Someone caught in the cycle of habitual pornography use often feels distant from God and even unforgivable. Confessing one’s sins is a powerful practice that can help one receive healing. At the human level, honestly disclosing your struggles and sins to other people in order to seek their help can be beneficial. For example, mutual confession within the context of a supportive group can help men and women grow in humility and be accountable to one another. At the sacramental level, the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation communicates God’s healing grace. This sacrament forgives sin through God’s abundant mercy, breaks the cycle of shame, and offers graces for protection from future sin. Regular confession is a source of strength for men and women seeking to live pure, chaste lives and embrace God’s plan for love and sexuality, a plan that leads to human flourishing.

Forgiveness, too, is important to the process of spiritual healing. When a person admits the reality of his or her pornography use, the harm caused by it starts to become clear. It is important for a person to address and make amends for the harm that was caused. In turn, when the person who is seeking freedom offers forgiveness to others, this activates God’s healing grace in all their lives.

Do not let the obstacles of denial, shame, fear, despair, or pride keep you from relying on the Lord’s grace. Believe in the power of God. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 21

Healing Is Possible
Recovering the purity of a “clean heart” involves healing and integrating various dimensions of the person. Breaking free from the hold of pornography requires the ability to make radical, concrete lifestyle changes. This work is ongoing, and healing is possible through the support of other men and woman also striving toward purity and through the generous mercy of Christ. It is never too late to seek help and find the freedom to live your vocation of chaste, life-giving love.

For more information, including the full text of Create in Me a Clean Heart and a list of support services for those seeking to stop pornography use, please visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Notes
1 N. D. Volkow, et. al., “Addiction: Decreased Reward Sensitivity and Increased Expectation Sensitivity Conspire to Overwhelm the Brain’s Control Circuit,” Bioessays 32:9 (2010): 748-55.

2 William M. Struthers, Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2009).

3 J. Brian Bransfield, Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).

About the author
Daniel Spadaro, MA, LPC, is a mental health counselor and founder of Imago Dei Counseling in Colorado Springs.

About this article
“Wash Me Thoroughly”: Healing from Pornography Use and Addiction was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Quote from the New Revised Standard Version Bible: Catholic Edition, copyright 1989, 1993, Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Create in Me a Clean Heart: Abridged Version

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

In the statement “Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography,” the bishops of the United States give a word of hope and healing to those who have been harmed by pornography and raise awareness of its pervasiveness and harms. This abridged version covers the statement’s main points. Additional resources, including the full statement text, can be found at
www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

The Beauty and Vocation of the Human Person
From the beginning of creation, God’s beautiful plan for human love was inscribed on the human heart and in the human body. All men and women are created in the image of God and called to love. Jesus fully reveals our identity and vocation and shows us the way of love as a gift of self. The human body speaks a language of gift and communion and has great dignity. It should be treated with the greatest respect. As persons, we are meant to be loved and not used.

The virtue of chastity allows us to gain self-mastery in the area of sexuality. It is opposed to lust (which uses a person) and instead fosters genuine love for the other as a whole person. All of us are called to chastity. In marriage, chastity takes the form of faithful and fruitful love and includes the sexual expression of that love. While sin damages our relationship with God, our own selves, and others, it does not have the last word. Jesus redeemed us and makes it possible for us to live a life of freedom in the Holy Spirit.

Why Is Pornography Wrong?
Sexual love is a gift meant for marriage alone. “Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties” (Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], no. 2354). All pornography is immoral and harmful, and can never be justified, including within marriage. Using and/or producing pornography is a sin against chastity and against human dignity. It reduces the body to an erotic stimulant. It harms viewers and does “grave injury” to those involved in its production (CCC, no. 2354).

The sin of pornography needs the Lord’s forgiveness and should be confessed in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation. Its use is also often linked with other sins, especially masturbation but also adultery and the crime of human trafficking. Pornography objectifies people and brings hurt and pain. It is an illusory substitute for real relationships and intimacy, which in the end bring true joy.

Pornography in Our Culture Today
Pornography today is a structure of sin.1 While rooted in the personal sins of individuals, pornography is so pervasive in society that it is difficult to avoid and challenging to remove. Several factors are important to note when evaluating pornography’s presence in our culture today.

  • Victims: The women and men portrayed in
    pornography have their dignity abused for others’ pleasure and profit. There is also the heinous crime of child pornography and pornography’s connections to sex trafficking worldwide.
  • Visibility: Pornographic and over-sexualized images are present in our culture as never before. It is commonplace to see such images while going about one’s daily life. Maintaining purity in this environment is a challenge.
  • Acceptability: Pornography is often misrepresented as a harmless pastime or even promoted as good, for example to help marital intimacy. Many describe it as “normal” behavior, especially for men.
  • Technology: The Internet has made pornography accessible, anonymous, mostly free, and endlessly novel. This potent combination continues to have devastating effects on many people.
  • Industry: Pornography is a big, moneymaking business. The industry is aggressive and savvy, constantly trying to entice new viewers. It is under-regulated and uses the claim of “free speech” to counter legal charges.
  • Content: Pornographic content available today is increasingly coarse, violent, and degrading. It communicates the message that sex is devoid of love and relationship, and even that sexual violence is acceptable.

Everyone is vulnerable to pornography. Many good people struggle with this habit, including faithful Catholics, married and single people, fathers and mothers, and so on.

Users and Effects: A Closer Look
Men are particularly susceptible to pornography because their brains are strongly drawn to sexual images. But pornography is not just a men’s issue. A growing number of women use pornography. Men and women might view pornography to soothe emotional wounds or for “recreation.” Women users are often seeking a sense of connection or romance and may feel isolated in their struggles.

Someone can start by occasionally viewing pornography but later can become a compulsive or addicted viewer. Because pornography use, usually combined with masturbation, directly affects the brain, it can be an extremely difficult habit to break. A person addicted to pornography may take risks to view it and continue the behavior despite adverse consequences.

Sadly, first exposure to pornography often occurs at young ages. Children may find images and videos by accident online or may happen upon a family member’s “stash.” Many young people also produce their own pornography in the form of sexual photographs and videos shared with peers. Being exposed to pornography can be traumatic for children and youth. It gives them a distorted image of sexuality, persons, and relationships, which can then affect their behavior. Tragically, some children are forced to participate in child pornography, a crime.

Parents today face increasing challenges in protecting their children’s innocence and many feel ill-equipped to monitor their children’s devices. Pornography use within the home has negative effects on a family’s life. It can, for example, undermine the credibility of the father and other role models who use pornography, and if the breadwinner becomes preoccupied with pornography, financial problems may result.

Pornography use within marriage damages the spouses’ trust and intimacy both because of the behavior itself and because of the deception often involved in hiding it. Its use can lead to affairs, requests for degrading sexual behavior, and even divorce. It decreases spouses’ sexual satisfaction and interest in marital sex. For the unmarried, viewing pornography can make it more difficult to maintain a self-giving relationship of mutual trust. Undoubtedly, pornography fuels the hook-up culture and discourages young adults from undertaking the work of relationships in the first place.

Mercy and Healing in Christ and Through the Church
The Church is called to be a “field hospital” for the wounded of the world.2 No wound is out of the reach of Christ’s redeeming grace. Christ is our hope! The Church proclaims the truth about love, sexuality, and the dignity of each person, and she seeks to provide the Lord’s mercy and healing for those harmed by pornography.

To those exploited by the pornography industry, you are beloved and cherished by God! The way you have been treated is deplorable, and we will work for justice for all enslaved men, women, and children. Come to the Lord and allow him to heal you.

To those guilty of exploiting others through the production of pornography, the Lord in his justice and mercy is calling you to repentance. No sin is too great to forgive, but we exhort you to repent, make amends for the damage you have caused, and turn yourself over to civil authorities if you have been involved in criminal exploitation.

To men and women who use pornography, be not afraid to approach the altar of mercy and ask for forgiveness. God is waiting to meet with joy those who repent. Counseling, spiritual direction, and accountability groups can all help you to reach freedom. Filtering software can help you avoid near occasions of sin. Cultivating chastity takes work and is a daily choice. If you fall, seek the Lord’s forgiveness in the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation.

To those who have been hurt by their spouse’s pornography use, you are not to blame for your spouse’s choice to view pornography. You may feel betrayed and deceived and may have faced abuse. If you are in danger, seek safety. Find solace in prayer and seek out a trusted spiritual director or counselor as you work through powerful emotions. If your spouse desires to change, you can be a great help to him/her. Set clear boundaries and take care of your own health.

To all parents, you are the guardians of your children and should be their models for chaste love. It is your responsibility to teach your children the true meaning of sexuality and to protect them from pornography. Be vigilant about the technology you allow into your home. Foster openness and trust with your children so they can talk to you about images they have seen.

To all who work with children and youth, parents have given you a responsibility to protect their children. You can have a great influence on the children entrusted to your care. Create an environment suitable for learning chastity and be vigilant over technological access.

To young people, Christ calls you to be strong, courageous witnesses of chastity and hope. Be an example for your friends of the freedom and joy that come from living a chaste life. Reject the pressure to treat sex as recreational or to objectify your body or someone else’s. If you have used pornography, seek forgiveness from the Lord and ask for help from your parents or a trusted adult.

To pastors and other clergy, we are witnesses of the joy and freedom of chastity. Let us call the faithful to the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation and make sure it is available. We too must approach the fount of mercy if we sin in this area. Let us preach on chastity and protect children from pornography.

To all people of good will, the Church is grateful to all who are working to acknowledge the harmful nature of pornography and build a culture where chastity and authentic love are esteemed and supported.

You Are Not Alone
Many good people struggle with the sin of pornography and are striving to cultivate chastity. You are not alone. Jesus is with you, and the Church offers you love and support. Trust in the Lord’s mercy and his power to free and heal you. For further resources and help, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Prayer

Have mercy on me, God, in accord with your merciful love;
in your abundant compassion blot out my transgressions.
Thoroughly wash away my guilt;
and from my sin cleanse me.
For I know my transgressions;
my sin is always before me.
Against you, you alone have I sinned;
I have done what is evil in your eyes
so that you are just in your word,
and without reproach in your judgment.
Behold, I was born in guilt,
in sin my mother conceived me.
Behold, you desire true sincerity;
and secretly you teach me wisdom.
Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
You will let me hear gladness and joy;
the bones you have crushed will rejoice.
Turn away your face from my sins;
blot out all my iniquities.
A clean heart create for me, God;
renew within me a steadfast spirit.

(Ps 51:3-12)

Notes

[1] See Catechism of the Catholic Church (2nd ed.) (Washington, DC: Libreria Editrice Vaticana [LEV]–United States Conference of Catholic Bishops [USCCB], 2000), no. 1869; Second Vatican Council, Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes (Dec. 7, 1965), no. 25, in The Documents of Vatican II, ed. Walter M. Abbott (New York: Guild Press, 1966); and Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace, Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church (Washington, DC: LEV–USCCB, 2004), no. 119.

[2] See Antonio Spadaro, SJ, “A Big Heart Open to God: The exclusive interview with Pope Francis,” America (Sept. 30, 2013).

About this article

Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography, Abridged Version was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, Revised Edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC.
and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

Quote from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, second edition, copyright © 2000, Libreria Editrice
Vaticana–United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. Used with permission.
All rights reserved.

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

Raising Chaste Children in a Pornographic World

Note: This article is part of the USCCB “Clean Heart” series and is a companion resource to the USCCB formal statement Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography; a printed pamphlet version of this article and others may be purchased at the USCCB online store.

We live in a sexually broken culture. In modern times, the prevalence of pornography has become a pressing problem for parents. Here are five steps parents can take to raise chaste children in a pornographic world.

1. Parents, teach your children the true meaning of human sexuality and educate them in chastity.

Forming a child in chastity is one of the most important responsibilities mothers and fathers have.1 Because we live in a highly sexualized culture, children are receiving an education in sexuality all the time. It’s imperative that you as parents give them an education and formation in authentic love and chastity throughout their childhood.

First and foremost, parents must emphasize the beauty and sacredness of the body and sexuality, and the truth that we are made for lasting love. We are each made in God’s image and therefore called to love, for “God is love” (1 Jn 4:8). Far from the Church being down on sex, the Church wants to preserve the true meaning of love, including sexuality. Marital intercourse as God designed it serves to promote the oneness of husband and wife and the creation of new life (see Gen 1:28; 2:23-24). Parents should take every opportunity to impress on their children the goodness of God’s design for marriage and the family.

To all parents: Thank you for your great love and sacrifice! . . . You are the first guardians and teachers of your children and are called to be their models of chaste and fruitful love. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 23

Parents should also stress for their children the power of sex. One analogy to use is that sexuality is like a fire. A fire in the fireplace is good; its blaze brings warmth, light and cheer to the home. A fire in the middle of the living room floor is bad; without proper boundaries, it can burn the whole house to the ground.

Take heart! Most parents who talk with their children about the truth and meaning of human sexuality and the harms of pornography find that the awkwardness of the conversation is on the side of the parent—not the child. Children are eager for direction and guidance in such an important area of their lives.

2. Be aware of the widespread availability of pornography and the fact that many children are exposed to it at young ages.

The average age of first exposure to pornography is eleven.2 Over a quarter of children see pornography before beginning puberty, a percentage that has increased over past generations.3 By the age of eighteen, over 90 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls will have accessed pornography online at least once.4 With each new generation now growing up with the Internet, being exposed to pornography is no longer the exception but the norm.

Some children are exposed to pornography inadvertently when online. Others are exposed because of natural curiosities about human sexuality. The younger children are, the more of an effect it can have on their young brains. Study after study shows that young people who seek out and consume online pornography are more likely to have “recreational” attitudes about sex.5 Moreover, researchers have also found there is a significant correlation between frequent porn use and feelings of loneliness and major depression.6

Children and teens who view pornography in effect receive an education about sexuality from what they are viewing. —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 17

Often parents fear that teaching their children about sexuality means saying “too much too soon.” But given the young ages at which children may first see pornography, unfortunately what happens more often is that parents say “too little, too late.” Mothers and fathers must use prudence and prayerfully consider how much information a particular child can handle and understand at a particular age. Good information arms children with the truth, enabling them to spot more easily the lies of our hyper-sexualized culture. Education in chastity can begin at young ages with encouraging modesty, respect for one’s body, and self-control. Later instruction, best given by the parent of the same sex as the child, can build on this foundation with delicate and clear guidance on sexual morality.

3. If you struggle with pornography use, seek your own healing to be a good example and witness of chaste love for your children.

Many parents find it difficult to broach subjects like sexuality or pornography with their children because of the shame they feel about their own sexual sins and struggles, whether past or present. But do not allow shame or embarrassment to stop you from teaching your children about chastity. If anything, parents who have struggled with sexual behaviors realize that for their children’s sake, they must be honest with themselves, repent of their sins, and seek out healing. A parent’s story of healing is a powerful story of redemption and conversion.

Parents, if you personally struggle or have struggled with pornography or other forms of sexual sin, it is never too late to set a good example for your children. Seek the help you need from the Church, professional counselors, or local support groups to overcome sinful habits that have weighed you down.7

4. Be vigilant about what technology you allow in your home, and establish clear boundaries by installing filtering software and educating your children about technology use.

Technology, and particularly the Internet, is now the primary gateway to accessing pornography. Everything from iPods to game consoles, from laptops to tablets, from TVs to smartphones—all devices that connect to the Internet can access pornography. It’s thus important that parents follow this rule: If I am not willing to monitor it, I will not provide it.

Parents and guardians, protect your home! —Create in Me a Clean Heart, p. 23

When it comes to protecting our children from the worst of the worst online, good parental controls can go a long way. Here are some tips:

  • Install Internet filtering on all your family’s Internet-accessing devices: home computers, laptops, tablets, phones, etc. Good filtering software, when set up properly, can block nearly all inadvertent exposure to inappropriate material online.
  • Establish a culture of accountability in your home. Along with filtering software, parents should also be receiving Internet accountability reports. Accountability is not about “catching” children doing wrong but about helping children think more critically about their Internet use. It also encourages parents to have conversations about sites their children visit and search terms they use.
  • Use “safe search” on all web browsers. While these are not foolproof, they can provide another layer of protection.
  • Many mobile devices today come with built-in parental controls that limit the kind of content and apps children can access on these devices. Make sure to use these.

Another concern parents need to be aware of is online sexual interactions. First is the increasingly widespread problem of “sexting”—sending sexually explicit messages, images, or videos through text messaging, e-mail, or social media. One study estimated that two-thirds of teens and young adults have received a “sext,” and forty percent have sent one.8 Some programs allow a user to send pictures that “fade away” right after they are sent, making it harder for parents to keep tabs on their children’s activity. Children and teens may feel pressured into sending or receiving a “sext” by peers.

The second threat are online sexual predators. While there are many different predation scenarios, most of them boil down to adults (mostly men) preying upon common teenage vulnerabilities. Online predators primarily use social media to identify and groom their victims.

The fact is that there will probably always be both adults and teen peers out there who seek to manipulate and misuse others for sexual pleasure and power. What parents must do is engender wisdom into their children so they aren’t easy targets. First, as emphasized above, speak with your children about the body and its sacredness. Teach them that we should keep certain parts of the body private, not because the body is bad or shameful, but because only your spouse should see you “naked and unashamed,” as Scripture says (Gen 2:25). Privacy affirms and protects the sacredness of the person and his or her body.

Also teach your children a healthy distrust of others online. This isn’t pessimism or paranoia; it is realism. Your children need to know that if they choose to be vulnerable online, whether emotionally or sexually, that there are people out there who will take advantage of that. They might spread a sexy photo for others to see, blackmail the person with the photos later on, or use them as a means to try to bond with a vulnerable child. Anyone can be flattering online, but real relationships blossom in face-to-face, honest interactions, not through manipulation.

5. Cultivate loving, trusting relationships with your children so they feel comfortable approaching you with questions about sexuality or sexual images they may have inadvertently seen.

Ephesians 6:4 says a father should bring up his children using “training” and “instruction.” These two activities encompass much of what the Bible says to parents about good parenting, namely providing an environment of structure and support. And of course this applies to mothers, too. As parents, when you provide your children with both structure and support, you will not be authoritarian (overly demanding with no warmth) or permissive (very responsive and warm with no expectations), but lovingly authoritative.

Permissive parents (all support, little structure) unwittingly train children to believe that their every whim and desire is good. These parents falsely believe that the best way to nurture a child’s character is through fewer rules and more familial love. While on the surface their approach appears loving and nurturing—especially compared to stricter parents—these indulgent parents raise children who easily wander into the minefield of sexual sin and have little
experience with resisting temptation and desires.

On the other end of the spectrum, authoritarian parents (all structure, little support) train children to seek refuge anywhere but at home. These parents create an overly critical home devoid of affirmation and encouragement. Kids in these homes start to believe that their parents don’t care about them, or that they will never measure up to their standards. These legalistic parents unwittingly chase their
children into the minefield of sexual sin.

But when parents give both strong structure and loving support to their children, they raise wise
children who desire righteousness, and loved children who know they can turn to their parents for help and mercy. God is always ready to bestow mercy on us. Through loving interactions with a parent, children come to experience, and then learn to trust, in this mercy.

For more resources:

  • www.usccb.org/cleanheart—The landing page for the full bishops’ statement on pornography and many other resources.
  • www.faithandsafety.org— “Technology Safety Through the Eyes of Faith,” run by the USCCB and Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America.
  • Pontifical Council for the Family, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education within the Family, available on the Vatican website, www.vatican.va.

About the author
Ryan Foley is an Internet safety consultant and vice president of business development for Covenant Eyes, an Internet accountability and filtering service.

Notes
[1] See Pope Francis, Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Laetitia (2016), nos. 280-286, “The Need for Sex Education.”

[2] See Peter C. Kleponis, Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography (Steubenville, Ohio: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014), citing “Pornography Statistics,” Family Safe Media (2010); see also C. Sabina et al., “The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth,” Cyberpsychology and Behavior 11 (2008): 691-693.

[3] The Porn Phenomenon: The Impact of Pornography in the Digital Age (Barna Group, 2016), 115.

[4] C. Sabina et al., “The nature and dynamics of Internet pornography exposure for youth”; L. M. Jones, K. J. Mitchell, and D. Filkelhor, “Trends in youth internet victimization: Findings from three youth internet safety surveys 2000-2010,” Journal of Adolescent Health 50 (2012): 179-186.

[5] M. Flood, “The Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People,” Child Abuse Review 18 (2009): 384-400; J. Brown and K. L’Engle, “X-Rated: Sexual attitudes and behaviors associated with U.S. early adolescents’ exposure to sexually explicit media,” Communication Research 36 (2009): 129-151; and D. Braun-Courville and M. Rojas, “Exposure to sexually explicit web sites and adolescent sexual attitudes and behaviors,” Journal of Adolescent Health 45 (2009): 156-162.

[6] M. L. Ybarra and K. J. Mitchell, “Exposure to Internet Pornography among Children and Adolescents: A National Survey,” Cyberpsychology & Behavior 8 (2005): 473-486.

[7] For a list of support groups and recovery programs, go to www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

[8] The Porn Phenomenon, 28-29.

 

About this article
Raising Chaste Children in a Pornographic World was developed as a resource and approved by Bishop Richard J. Malone, Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield
General Secretary, USCCB

Copyright © 2016, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved.

For the full USCCB statement on pornography, Create in Me a Clean Heart, and additional resources, visit www.usccb.org/cleanheart.

“Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography”

At their November 2015 General Assembly, the bishops of the United States overwhelmingly approved a formal statement that addresses the many harmful effects of pornography use and offers a word of hope and healing for all the men, women, young people and children who have been negatively affected by pornography.

Called “Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography,” the full statement is available online at this link: www.usccb.org/cleanheart. The abridged version is available for purchase here.

Bishop Richard J. Malone, chairman of the Committee that spearheaded the statement’s development, said: “My brother bishops’ approval of this statement shows our collective concern for the widespread problem of pornography in our culture today. As the statement says, virtually everyone is affected by pornography in some way. So many people – including within the Church – are in need of Christ’s abundant mercy and healing. My hope is that the statement can serve as a foundation and catalyst for increased pastoral attention to this challenge at the national and local level.”

Resources for married couples struggling with pornography use can be found on For Your Marriage in the “Overcoming Obstacles: Pornography” section.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use

Pornography has become increasingly more available and accepted in today’s society. Both men and women of all ages have become entangled in the lies and pain of pornography use and even addiction, which has devastating effects on the user and his or her spouse and family.

It is important that those who are using pornography and those that are affected by a spouse’s receive the support and healing that they need. Below is a select list of resources for those who are struggling with pornography, as well as for their spouses and family members.

For more information about pornography from For Your Marriage, including statistics on pornography use, please visit our Overcoming Obstacles: Pornography articles.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

Table of Contents

Prayer Resources

Prayer plays a crucial role in the process of breaking free from pornography use.

Here is a link to a Novena for Purity from Covenant Eyes and the Angelic Warfare Confraternity.

Some patron saints of those struggling with purity, whether occasionally or habitually, are: St. Agnes, St. Maria Goretti, St. Augustine of Hippo, St. Gemma Galgani, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Margaret of Cortona, St. Thérèse of Lisieux, St. Joseph, and the Blessed Virgin Mary .

Help for Men and Women

Catholic support groups and recovery programs

The Angelic Warfare Confraternity
A supernatural fellowship of men and women dedicated to pursuing chastity under the patronage of St. Thomas Aquinas and the Blessed Virgin Mary. The Confraternity is an official apostolate of the Dominican Order.

Breaking Free Blog (for men)
Men helping men to break free and stay free from pornography. Run by the Family Life Center International.

Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addictions and Recovery
Online discussion group where men and women who struggle with sexual addictions support each other through accountability and prayer.

Exodus 90 (for men)
A ninety-day challenge of prayer, asceticism, and fraternity that is designed to help men attain freedom from sexual sin or other struggles. The program developed at a seminary, and today is transforming the lives of thousands of Catholic men across the country. In Exodus 90, men form small teams to go through the challenge together and support one another as they strive to grow in virtue.

Freedom Coaching
One-on-one mentoring program designed to break the attraction to pornified images. Going beyond mere coping mechanisms, Freedom Coaching is designed to help clients, through a transformation of their desires, to seek and find what is true, good, and beautiful, something that pornified images can never provide.

Imago Dei Counseling
Offers individual and couples counseling/coaching in Colorado Springs as well as telephonically for those dealing with pornography and its effects; also available for adolescents, with the coordination of their parents. The program also provides Catholic Men’s Teleconference, a confidential telephonic men’s program for support in working steps towards healing and recovery from sexual addictions, and Intimacy Restored Intensives, a three-day workshop (Intensive Outpatient Treatment – IOT) in Colorado Springs for couples to begin the process of healing from issues related to pornography or sexual behavior.

Integrity Restored
Founded by Dr. Peter Kleponis, author of the book Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography, Integrity Restored is an organization dedicated to helping Catholics fight pornography at all levels. Dr. Kleponis and his Integrity Restored Team – Matt Fradd, Fr. Sean Kilcawley and Ryan Foley – provide valuable resources and advice on how to protect individuals, couples and families from the dangers of pornography. Resources are also available for clergy. In addition, information is provided on the Integrity Starts Here Recovery Program, the first comprehensive recovery program for Catholics struggling with pornography addiction and their loved ones.

The King’s Men (for men)
Men’s group focused on building up men as leaders, protectors, and providers. The King’s Men has a special focus on helping men find freedom from pornography addiction with the help of fraternal accountability. Also facilitates wilderness retreats, healing retreats and parish-based weekly groups in some areas.

My House Initiative
A program of the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, My House offers resources for protecting children and families from pornography. A short video with Matthew Kelly and Archbishop Joseph Naumann is available in English and Spanish for protecting families from pornography. Confession cards, church posters, flyers and prayer cards are also available in both English and Spanish. The videos and resources are available for other dioceses to adapt. The My House Initiative also provides help for individuals and couples who are struggling with pornography including four professional counselors, five weekly recovery groups, and assistance for spouses of pornography users.

Overcome Porn Addiction
Video-based online course for men seeking to overcome pornography addiction. Includes a “Steps to Victory” checklist and a 17-week “Path to Victory Bootcamp” with week-by-week instructions and specific actions to take.

The Porn Effect
The Porn Effect was started by Matt Fradd, a well-known Catholic speaker on pornography. A former addict himself, Matt is now an advocate for breaking pornography addictions. The site offers a number of resources for men and women struggling with pornography, including a 5-step “Battle Plan” and “Ask the Expert” feature.

Reclaim Sexual Health
Science-based, Catholic resources for those impacted by pornography, masturbation, or other unhealthy sexual behaviors. Offers an anonymous online recovery program for pornography users and spouses of pornography users. Also has information for parents about protecting their children from pornography.

Other Christian support groups and recovery programs

Be Broken Ministries
Be Broken Ministries exists to help men break free from sexually addictive behaviors in order to experience the fullness of life as God created it. They offer workshops, e-courses, in-person and long-distance coaching, and resources for both men and their wives.

Beggar’s Daughter (for women)
Jessica Harris is a former porn addict whose blog covers topics such as pornography, lust, and addiction – all from a women’s perspective. She is now a speaker and author of a devotional, Love Done Right, a collection of devotionals specifically written for Christian women struggling with lust.

Bethesda Workshops
The mission of Bethesda Workshops is to encourage sexual wholeness by ministering to men and women damaged by sexual sin and addiction, and those hurt by a spouse’s sexual addiction. They offer intensive healing workshops in Nashville, TN for both men and women.

Bravehearts
A mentoring program to help men break free from sexual addiction and pornography use. Founded by Michael Leahy, who has a powerful conversion story from a life damaged by pornography addiction.

Heart to Heart Counseling Center
Provides professional counseling to those struggling with sexual addiction and their spouses. Located in Colorado Springs but also presents 3-5 day intensive workshops around the country.

Lifestar Therapy
Offers an intensive 6-day outpatient program (IOP) in a safe, nonjudgmental environment where those struggling with pornography and sexual addiction can find help in treating their addiction. With a strong faith base, Lifestar Therapy integrates developing healthy lifestyle changes and a strong connection with God to help people struggling with addiction and their loved ones to heal. Download the free ebook, “The First Step.” For more information, call 888-980-1600 or email info@lifestariop.com.

New Life Partners (for women)
An online resource and support group for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction.

Proven Men Ministries
Proven Men is a sexual integrity ministry that partners with churches, offering discipleship resources, in order to see individuals and families equipped and restored.

Pure Life Ministries
Pure Life Ministries offers a number of resources and courses for men, women, wives, and pastoral leaders, including a residential treatment program in rural Kentucky, phone counseling, and a home study program for spouses of pornography users and teens.

XXXChurch
Support for men and women dealing with pornography addiction, as well as for parents and those who are involved in the pornography industry. X3Pure provides 30-day online workshops for men, women, couples and parents. X3Groups offers small online support groups led by a trained team member.

Other support groups and recovery programs

Fortify
A mobile-based recovery program from Fight the New Drug. Youth-oriented and free to anyone under the age of 21. Also includes video education on pornography.

No-Porn.com
Since 1997, No-Porn.com has helped men and women of all backgrounds recover from pornography addiction.

Sexaholics Anonymous
A recovery program and fellowship of men and women who support each other in staying sexually sober. SA is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and uses a Twelve Step Program. It is not affiliated with any religion or organization.

S-Anon International Family Groups
A program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. S-Anon is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and uses a Twelve Step Program. It is not affiliated with any religion or organization. Also provides special programs for teenagers: S-Ateen.

Help for Parents

Covenant Eyes: Unfiltered
A Parent Workshop Kit “for an Ongoing Conversation about Internet Pornography” produced by filtering and accountability site Covenant Eyes. Available online for free: “Protecting Your Family Online: A parent’s how-to guide.”

Enough is Enough
Educational site for parents about how to effectively protect children from online pornography, sexual predators, cyberbullies, and other online dangers.

Faith and Safety: Technology Safety Through the Eyes of Faith
Educational site for parents run by the USCCB and the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America. Provides conversation starters for families about technology, family media agreements, reviews of different apps and websites popular among young people, and more.

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson and Gail Poyner
A read-aloud story that helps parents teach their children what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and how to avoid it. It also teaches basic concepts about pornography and brain science, in a way that children can understand. A book for children ages 3-6 is also available, Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds.

Integrity Restored
Founded by Dr. Peter Kleponis, author of the book The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach, Integrity Restored has a section of their website dedicated to helping parents protect their children from pornography and help them navigate a culture imbued with pornography.

Pure Hope
Provides Christian solutions in a sexualized culture. Equips individuals, parents, families and churches to pursue sexual purity and oppose sexual exploitation. Key areas of focus include parenting, justice (combatting sex trafficking), and recovery for men and women addicted to pornography. Free downloadable resources include “Parenting in a Sexualized Culture” and “Recovery in a Sexualized Culture.”

Protect Young Eyes
Protect Young Eyes is a constantly updated, free website for parents who want to better understand apps, social media platforms, parental controls on popular devices, and how to create an internet-safer home for their kids. Subscribe to their parent technology newsletter by texting the word “protect” (no quotes) to 66866.

Protect Young Minds
Led by Kristen A. Jenson, author of the best-selling children’s book Good Pictures Bad Pictures, Protect Young Minds™ (PYM) seeks to help parents “porn-proof” their kids before they come across highly addictive and easily accessible internet pornography. Additionally, PYM offers guidance for families whose children have already been hurt by pornography, and hopes to serve as a “force multiplier” by empowering proactive people who want to educate their local communities

Help for Priests

You Are Loved
As a result of the epidemic of pornography, priests have asked Catholic Answers to produce material specifically to address the subject. Catholic Answers published a resource titled You Are Loved, which offers inspiration and hope for the countless individuals struggling to break free of pornography. Perfect for confessional use, pastoral or counseling support on this particular topic.

Internet Filtering Tools

Covenant Eyes
Offers both internet accountability and filtering systems. Internet accountability helps to reduce temptation and start conversations about online activity. The filter systems will prevent users from accessing certain content and websites. Both of these systems are designed for parents, children, and adults. Available on various devices.

X3Watch
X3Watch, an initiative of XXXChurch, is an accountability and filtering program that allows you to monitor your Internet use, block URLs, filter content, and share your progress with people you trust. Available on various devices.

Advocacy and Education Resources

Catholic Answers
Videos of chastity speaker Matt Fradd talking about pornography addiction, recovery, and more.

The Chastity Project
A ministry run by chastity speakers Jason and Crystalina Evert, the Chastity Project features videos on the effects of pornography and recovery from addiction, as well as other chastity-related topics.

Fight the New Drug
A grassroots, youth oriented, non-religious, non-legislative, non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness on the harmful effects of pornography. They also have a recovery program called “Fortify” (see above).

MaritalHealing.com
An overview of the psychological aspects of pornography addiction and its effects on marriage.

National Center on Sexual Exploitation
Formerly Morality in Media, this is the leading national organization opposing pornography and indecency through public education. Numerous informative articles about the pornography industry, sex trafficking, and research on pornography’s negative effects.

The Social Costs of Pornography
In 2010, the Witherspoon Institute published a book of essays about pornography by leading experts in psychology, sociology, law, and more. The companion website of the same name features videos by the authors and others on various topics related to pornography and the pornography industry.

Whispered in the Dark
 This one-day conference aims to bring concerned adults, parents, teachers, single/dating folks, priests, lay people, anyone who wants be more educated on this epidemic up to date with  the best tools and resources to help  face, battle, and overcome pornography.

DVDs

Conquer Series: A Battle Plan for Purity
A five-episode DVD series with a leader’s guide, hosted by Dr. Ted Roberts, founder of Pure Desire Ministries. The series provides scientific information about the effects of pornography and lays out a spiritual strategy for defeating pornography use and addiction. Good for use in small groups or support groups.

The Heart of the Matter: Finding Light in the Darkness of Pornography Addiction
A documentary featuring interviews with men and woman about how pornography affected their lives and how they found freedom from it. Special features include a guide for parents, help for wives, and a guide for recovery. 75 minutes, with English, Spanish, Portuguese and Romanian subtitles.

Books and Other Print Resources

Bought With a Price: Every Man’s Duty to Protect Himself and His Family from a Pornographic Culture by Bishop Paul S. Loverde (Diocese of Arlington, 2014).
An updated version of Bishop Loverde’s 2006 pastoral letter on the same topic. The small booklet includes a study guide and a suggested rule of life for those wishing to be free from pornography. See also Bishop Loverde’s article in First Things about the letter’s release: “Let the Battle for Purity Begin” (March 19, 2014).

Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned from Porn to Purity edited by Matt Fradd, foreword by Jason Evert (San Diego: Catholic Answers Press, 2013).
A compilation of real-life, first-person narratives about the corrosive effects of pornography on both men and women, as well as the possibility of gaining deliverance from pornography use and addiction.

Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. (Steubenville, OH: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014).
Written by clinical therapist and founder of Integrity Restored (see above), this book provides an overview of the effects of pornography on men, women, children, and society, as well as practical advice for breaking free of pornography.

Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution by J. Brian Bransfield (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).
A short book by a well-known author and speaker on St. John Paul II’s teachings on the theology of the body. The struggle of pornography is examined through an extended reflection on Chapter 4 of the Gospel of John, Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well. Read a review of the book on the For Your Marriage website.

Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn edited by Matt and Cameron Fradd
In Restored you’ll read ten honest, hard-hitting accounts of real women and couples whose lives were shattered by porn’s destructive effects. But because God’s grace is stronger, they were able to find healing and hope, trust renewed, and intimacy Restored. Read a review of the book on the For Your Marriage website. 

Restoring the Years: A Healing Workbook for Women Dealing with their Husband’s Pornography/Sexual Addiction by Gwyneth Pierce
This interactive book provides women with encouragement and advice about coping with a husband’s addiction to pornography, grounded in Christian teaching and up-to-date psychological science. There is space for journaling and reflecting on relevant Scripture passages.

Restoring the Years: Winning the Battle over Sexual Addiction and Pornography by Gwyneth Pierce.
Restoring the Years provides the earnest reader wisdom and insights drawn from men and women who have fought the fight before you and won! Their stories are backed up with scriptural support, scientific data, and input from noted researchers. You don’t have to let the darkness overtake you. You, too, can overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony. Let today be a new chapter of hope, freedom, and victory.

The Social Costs of Pornography: A Collection of Papers edited by James R. Stoner, Jr. and Donna M. Hughes (Princeton: Witherspoon Institute, 2010).
A compilation of essays on the harms of pornography, moral arguments against it, and issues related to law and policy. The appendix lists main research findings. A companion website provides more information, as well as links to purchase the book, summary version of the book, and a DVD with presentations by the authors.

Transformed by Beauty, Co-Authored by Amanda Zurface, JCL and The Catholic Gentleman’s Sam Guzman.
Transformed by Beauty is a free e-book offered by Covenant Eyes Inc., the pioneer of Internet Accountability software. Beauty can change your life. That’s a bold statement, but one that has been proven true by countless people. In this e-book, you’ll meet a priest, a musician, a ballerina, and a body builder who all have one thing in common: They found freedom, healing, and peace because they encountered the beauty of a transcendent God. In this free download, you’ll learn: How beauty can help you heal from the wounds of pornography; How to have a redeemed vision and a sacramental approach to sexuality; and How we are called to be craftsmen in making beautiful things.

Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain by William M. Struthers (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2009).
Written by an associate professor of psychology, this book explains in plain language the science behind the effects of pornography on the brain, particularly the male brain, as well as how and why addiction happens. Includes a reflection on healthy masculinity in the Christian understanding of the human person.

You Are Loved
A short booklet that offers inspiration and hope for the countless individuals struggling to break free of pornography. Published by Catholic Answers.

Pornography

In 2015 the bishops of the United States approved “Create in Me a Clean Heart,” a formal pastoral statement addressing the issue of pornography and all those affected. Learn more about the statement or read it for yourself. Pamphlets in the series are also available here.

Henry seemed to have it all–a loving marriage, four young children, and a solid middle-management position with a local financial corporation. He and his family lived in a good suburban neighborhood and were active in their local parish, where Henry was involved in the music ministry. At 35, he was poised for a promotion to a more lucrative upper-management post.

He always worked long hours, both at the office and at home, but in recent months he had shown signs of wearing down. To his wife and children, he seemed distant, irritable and gloomy, and he was spending longer and longer hours at the computer. He often missed out on family outings, saying he needed to work. Even his co-workers noticed a change for the worse in his mood, efficiency and productivity. He simply wasn’t himself anymore.

Everything came crashing down late one evening when Henry’s 11-year-old daughter, Hannah, walked in on him as he watched an Internet video of men and women engaging in sexual acts. Horrified, Hannah ran and told her mother, and this now-disillusioned family suddenly had some very serious issues to face.

Tragically, Henry’s situation is not unique. While pornography has been around for centuries, the problem of addiction to pornography has increased dramatically in recent years largely due to its vast presence on the Internet.

Dr. Patrick Carnes, who in 1983 first advanced the idea that a person could become addicted to sex, calls the addiction to Internet pornography “the crack cocaine of sexual addiction.” Like crack, it doesn’t take long for an Internet porn user to become hooked, often a matter of just a few weeks. And like crack, habitual viewing of online porn creates an intense cycle of addiction that is extremely difficult to break without expert assistance.

These are some of the devastating effects of Internet pornography upon marriage, the family and the individual:

  • It destroys the trust and intimacy within the husband-wife relationship and often leads to the end of the marriage itself.
  • It creates obstacles to real communication and personal interaction with one’s spouse and with others.
  • It stimulates within the porn addict a distorted view of sexuality that can lead to the desire for riskier, perverse and even criminal sexual behaviors.
  • It draws focus away from one’s family life and relationship with God and sets a destructive example for one’s children.

Epidemic proportions

Porn addiction is an epidemic that has been grown in the Internet age. Some estimates put porn use among churchgoing men at 50 percent, a figure that differs little from use among the adult male population at large.

For Robert Peters, president of Morality in Media, the Internet is the primary factor in the increase in porn use.

“Particularly with the Internet, we usually talk about the three A’s: accessibility, affordability, and anonymity. Sometimes I add a fourth A, addiction,” says Peters. “Pornography is addictive in any medium, but when you’ve got this smorgasbord at your fingertips, and you’re clever enough to keep anyone from finding out about it, it’s an awful lot easier for people to get into pornography.”

Those factors also make it much easier for children and teenagers to access pornography, according to Dr. Richard Fitzgibbons, director of the Institute for Marital Healing near Philadelphia.

“Unfortunately, kids in elementary and high schools can develop a really bad problem with porn at a very early age,” Fitzgibbons says. “They go to school and talk about porn sites with their friends. If it were not for the Internet, these kids would not be into this fantasy world.”

Statistics bear this out: According to studies, 90 percent of children ages 8 through 16 have viewed pornography online, and children 12 through 17 are the largest single group of users of Internet porn.

How a porn addiction develops

An Internet porn habit may begin out of curiosity, by clicking on a racy advertisement or e-mail or happening upon a site by accident. A man may continue to explore online porn because he feels it fills a real or perceived need, explains Mark Houck, co-founder and president of The King’s Men, a Catholic apostolate based in the Philadelphia area.

“Perhaps he is stressed at work, or perhaps he is bored with his life and looking for some excitement,” says Houck. “Whatever the case is, it begins with his false perception that the women and images he will see on the Internet will satisfy his needs. The truth of the matter is that they will never satisfy his needs, and he will be left in a worse situation than he was before. . . . He is using pornography as a substitute for real human relationships, and he is suffering.”

Factors that may lead to the development of a porn-viewing habit include stress, marital conflict, profound self-centeredness, or the “pleasure principle,” a Freudian term for the drive to avoid pain and seek immediate gratification.

Sometimes there is a contributing cause in what Fitzgibbons calls “marital loneliness.”

“The couple has drifted apart in the home,” Fitzgibbons says. “They love each other, but they’re not present to each other, particularly in the evening. They’re in different rooms, even different floors of the house. That’s the worst mistake.”

Other emotional and character conflicts that can lead to addiction include poor body image, an excessive sense of responsibility, a lack of balance in life, mistrust of others, social isolation, lack of acceptance by peers, and repressed anger. Often these traits are rooted in negative formative experiences of childhood. Having had a parent who viewed or was addicted to pornography is another major factor that increases vulnerability to porn addiction.

Whatever the root causes, a man’s attraction to pornographic images can bring about a mental “high” that provides a brief escape from whatever stress or unhappiness he is experiencing in his daily life.

Gradually, the porn addiction escalates as he builds a tolerance to each level of his online experiences. He may seek out more explicit or perverse pornographic. He may be drawn to adult chat rooms where Internet users can meet online.

For some porn-addicted men, the obsession can get to the point that online images and encounters no longer satisfy their desires. They seek to act out their pornographic fantasies, for example, by having an affair, seeking casual sexual encounters, picking up prostitutes, patronizing “gentlemen’s clubs,” committing acts of voyeurism or even sexual abuse of another person.

Seeking help

Eventually, however, the anonymity ends when the secret gets out. As the addiction grows, his cognitive abilities are impaired and he takes more risks. His increasingly risky behavior and his efforts to conceal his problem raise questions among family and co-workers. His wife or child walks in on him in the act of viewing porn, or discovers his secret by chance when he leaves open a web page, a photo or incriminating e-mail onscreen, or fails to erase his browser history revealing the porn addresses he has visited.

The increase in Internet pornography addiction has brought with it an increase in the number of men and couples seeking help to overcome the problem, although it is not usually the man’s idea to seek help, says Fitzgibbons.

“Sometimes it’s the men, but more often the wives become aware that their husbands have this problem,” he says. Most wives consider their husbands’ porn use as a betrayal every bit as deep and damaging as if they had committed adultery.

“The negative impact on marriages is quite significant,” says Fitzgibbons. “I’ve had many women say that this is no different to them than having an affair. A number tell their spouses, ‘Unless you address this and work on this, this marriage will not survive, because I experience it as total betrayal.’ They’ll say, ‘When you are doing that, you’re not thinking of me. You’re involved in adultery of the heart.’ And there’s no response to that one.”

Arduous road to recovery

Most therapists today agree that obsessive viewing of Internet porn qualifies as a behavioral addiction. When a man views the images, the accompanying gratification tends to neurochemically “hard-wire” his brain and burn the images permanently in his memory in what some doctors call an erototoxin effect.

As Houck of The King’s Men explains in layman’s terms, “Overcoming a porn addiction is harder than overcoming a heroin addiction. When rehabbing from a drug addiction, there is a period of detoxification from the drug. With porn, you can detox, but the images never leave your body. Scary, isn’t it?”

Because porn addiction compulsion has so many of the same causes and effects as adultery, the treatment and counseling are pretty much the same, says Dr. Fitzgibbons.

“In adultery, the wife will say, ‘I want all the details.’ So you have to be totally uncovered, transparent, and honest about all the mistakes you’ve made, when, where and why,” he says. “And then there has to be a deep sense of sorrow, a repentance. So it is exactly the same as treating adultery in that there has to be a real commitment to identify the problems and address them.”

Rebuilding marital trust is a major undertaking in itself. The man must patiently discuss all that went on as deeply and as often as she requests. He must provide her with more attention and become more focused on their marital friendship. With time, if he can be chaste and accountable, his wife’s trust in him may grow again.

Part of the recovery process as well as a preventive measure is for husband and wife to practice good interpersonal communication and to spend quality time together – in other words, to build and maintain a strong marital friendship.

“Marital friendship is based on talking, communicating, being present to the other–not just watching television, but taking time to discuss matters or to do things together, even pray together,” Fitzgibbons says.

While treatment clinics and support groups can be helpful, Fitzgibbons emphasizes the need for a strong spiritual component if a man is to address and overcome his addiction effectively.

“Where there is a spiritual component to the recovery, we have seen great success,” he says. “The Lord doesn’t want this darkness to interfere with the great sacrament of marriage.”

Prayer, frequent reception of the sacraments, Bible study and support groups can be very helpful in the recovery process.

For Your Marriage Resources:

Research on effects of pornography:

  • The National Center on Sexual Exploitation runs a website called Porn Harms: Research, which includes an up-to-date list of major studies and scientific information about the effects of pornography.
  • The Family Research Council released a study in December 2009 on pornography’s effects on marriages, children, individuals and communities. See the Executive Summary and full report.

Catholic Church teaching about chastity and pornography:

For Further Reading (links to book reviews on For Your Marriage):

Addictions

If you or your spouse in the past month has taken a drink first thing in the morning to help you recover from a hangover you may be dealing with an addiction problem. There are other possible symptoms, as well. For instance, as a person with an alcohol addiction you may have gotten home from a party in one piece, and even though your car went up on the lawn a bit, you were able to park it and get into the house. But if you don’t know how that scratch on the rear bumper got there, you are showing addiction symptoms.

You may tell yourself, “It must have been someone else who did that” but this is part of your denial. Maybe you say, “What’s the big deal, almost all of my friends are serious drinkers. They drink way more than I ever do.” Such rationalizations also indicate a problem. Most people with an alcohol problem will report that they know exactly how much they drink each night, although they usually low ball the number. They may say, “It’s not even the hard stuff, it’s only wine or a couple of beers.” If your wife or husband complains about it, you write it off as just so much nagging.

If any of this is familiar, or if you or someone close to you thinks you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, most likely you do. If you have a loved one who has this problem you need to get help. Substance abuse and addictions do not disappear; rather, they only get worse when left untreated. Substance abuse, which includes alcohol addiction, is a major problem in the United States, and it is a major source of marital breakups and family problems. It affects all the members of the family, not just the one abusing drugs or alcohol.

Individuals with alcohol or other substance addictions have a distorted sense of reality. They will justify hiding their addiction from family and friends. They might even explain that they drink or escape through drugs to deal with a spouse who makes life difficult, or because they have a stressful job, or their children are such problems.

When their addiction worsens – and it will – they will tell say that the police were unjustified when they got the DUI, or that this really was just a one-time fluke. Even when they begin to have blackouts- memory lapses due to the intoxication- they are able to deny this to you and to themselves.

In addition to the person with the addiction, there is often a spouse who suffers from co-dependency. One of definitions of co-dependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. A co-dependent person tries to control everything within the relationship- but can’t.

“Recovery” for co-dependent spouses comes when they eventually address their own needs instead of tolerating mistreatment or trying to rescue their spouse. Whether the addictive behavior is relatively minor or more serious, often it is the co-dependent spouse who starts the recovery process by first addressing his or her own need for assertiveness plus improving listening and communication skills. Counseling can bring awareness of dysfunctional behaviors, and help the couple develop new, healthier coping skills.

The denial that accompanies an addiction is a family problem because it often includes the spouse as well. Spouses may cover up for their partner, make excuses, call in to an employer and say he/she is sick when it is really a hangover. They will overlook the fender bender accident. Most of all they tolerate the lack of physical and emotional availability from their spouse due to their “affair” with drugs or alcohol.

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as A.A., and the other 12-Step programs are a great resource. Meetings are held morning, noon and night. Individuals get the support of a sponsor- someone who has gone through the process of recovery and lives their life fully. These people are models of living a life of sobriety. For the spouse of someone with an addiction, as well as for their children, there are Al-anon and Narconon meetings. They support and encourage, and help the co-dependent spouse to stop the ways that he or she may have inadvertently been enabling the addicted person.

With the emergence of the internet, sexual addictions have become an even greater problem. Sexual addictions can range from masturbation to pornographic magazines and videos, to infidelity and paying for sex. It may even be as pathological as breaking into apartments and raping unsuspecting residents. This stage of sexual addiction requires major intervention and usually results in criminal charges as well. Whatever the magnitude of sexual addiction, the one thing all have in common is that the need for sex is more important than the addict’s feelings for his/her spouse.

Addictions are often ruinous to a marriage if they are allowed to continue. They are compulsive behaviors that are usually fueled by deeply seated anger or fear of intimacy. You might be married to a person who was shamed in early childhood. They might have had poor or no sexual education, experienced a parent that sexually acted out, or had serious childhood trauma. They may be a victim of incest or sexual abuse. Sexual acting out in these compulsive ways, as well as other addictions, often indicate emotional pain. They are also used as a substitute for true intimacy.

Treatment often takes the form of individual, marital, and group therapy. Key tasks for recovery include, first and foremost, breaking through the denial. Sometimes this requires that the co-dependent spouse first break his or her own denial and also learn about the addiction process and how one goes about establishing sobriety. Then it is a matter of getting the addict/alcoholic to start a treatment plan. For many, A.A. or N.A. can be an effective solution. For others it can be the starting point in combination with therapy.

Sometimes it is necessary to create an intervention. This is a well-prepared and pre-planned meeting with a professional counselor, family, friends, and perhaps colleagues from work who meet with the addicted person. The participants confront the person with the addiction and the consequences that the addicted behaviors are having on the family, friends and workplace. Usually there is a pre-arranged treatment plan that may include an initial hospital phase, either as an in-patient or outpatient. Hospitalization may be necessary for those who have serious drug or alcohol dependency problems and who need a detoxification first step. Professionals can provide more information. After this initial phase of treatment, it is a matter of establishing sobriety and creating a healthier environment to support continued sobriety. This phase is not easy, as there may be setbacks. This is where 12-Step programs are particularly valuable in reinforcing motivation.

Couple therapy is also an essential part of recovery. A spouse may not be able to recognize the need for his or her involvement, but recovery is much more successful when both spouses are involved. If the addicted person attends A.A., and the spouse possibly attends Al-anon meetings, plus they receive marriage counseling, the marital relationship is more likely to stabilize and the couple can work through the trauma they experienced from the addicted partner’s behaviors. There is also Retrouvaille, a program for married couples who are hurting. It is not specifically for addictions, but it does assist any couple that has experienced a major disillusionment.

With addictions comes the need for reconciliation and forgiveness for the damage caused in the marriage. With help, hard work, and the right kind of support, many couples are able to heal their marriage and create a new and healthier marital life- something they could not have imagined while in the midst of their crisis. With time, patience, and persistence trust can be restored and a new level of intimacy reached. By moving beyond the initial denial and earnestly working each recovery step, a couple can heal and reclaim a life a sobriety from addictive behaviors.

RESOURCES:

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Al-anon is for spouses, children, parents, or close friends of alcoholics or teens dealing with alcohol problems.

Narconon is a non-profit drug rehabilitation program dedicated to eliminating drug abuse and drug addiction.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use or Addiction (list of support groups, help for parents, and more)

Celebrate Recovery: A Christ-Centered Recovery Program

The Calix Society: An association of recovering Catholic alcoholics, their family and friends, with an emphasis on spiritual activities

Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi with a long i) means “rediscovery.” It consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over three months. The main emphasis is on communication between husband and wife. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussion on the weekend.

The Third Option is a group program for marriages. It combines 14 unique skill-building workshops, sharing by mentor couples who have overcome marital problems, and support groups. Because it uses a “self-change” model, one spouse may come alone.

About the author
Donald J. Paglia, MS, CAGS, is the Co-Director of the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Hartford.

How To Strengthen Your Marriage After Porn Addiction

Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is critical in healing the marriage damaged by cybersex or pornography use,” the Bennetts write. Although forgiveness is difficult and will take time, it is important for the spouse who used porn to ask for forgiveness and to acknowledge the pain he has caused his wife and family. He should patiently allow his wife to air her feelings as much as she needs, and he should be completely honest in discussing his addiction and answering all questions. He must accept responsibility for his actions and not shift any blame onto his spouse. “Professional help, spiritual guidance, and a program for life that shows a radical commitment to addressing this problem makes forgiveness possible,” they write.

Addressing faulty beliefs

Dr. Patrick Carnes identified four beliefs that reinforce sex addictions:

  • I am basically a bad, unworthy person;
  • No one would love me as I am;
  • My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others;
  • Sex is my most important need.

“These beliefs must be rejected, but they have to be acknowledged and confronted first, and one may need help in defeating them,” say the Bennetts.

Improving communication

Better communication will not solve every problem, but it is a great tool for addressing the emotional distance created by sex addiction and may require the guidance of a professional therapist. “The couple may have to learn new skills fostering cooperation, understanding, openness and consideration in order to replace the existing defensiveness and repression,” they write.

Intimacy

“Intimacy depends upon openness, and that implies vulnerability,” write the Bennetts. Vulnerability requires trust, but trust and self-worth are severely damaged by sex addictions. The need to rebuild intimacy goes beyond sexual intimacy: The Bennetts identify other key areas of intimacy in need of healing as emotional, recreational, physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual intimacy.

Humility

Humility lays the foundation for self-knowledge, love and forgiveness. “By strengthening our prayer and spiritual life, we should grow in humility, which in turn will strengthen our ability to love and thereby our marriage,” they write.

Respect and affection

“It is necessary to discuss problems and ill feelings,” and it is a mistake to try to “get back to normal” by avoiding conflict in an effort to minimize problems. Such lack of communication only creates distance between husband and wife. Here, too, a professional marriage therapist may be helpful, the Bennetts say.

About the authors
Dr. Arthur and Laraine Bennett are authors of The Temperament God Gave You and The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse (Sophia Institute Press).