Category Archives: Default

How To Make Christmas About Christmas

I wish I could say these were my ideas but I can’t. Although I don’t remember where I read them, I vividly recall how one brief article transformed the Christmas season in our home.

About 23 years ago, our oldest was six and we were expecting our fourth son. The holidays were approaching and I was thinking back to the previous four Christmases, when Santa and Jesus got just about “equal billing” in our home. As young parents, we were establishing family traditions and Christmas definitely needed improvement.

Previously, as soon as Thanksgiving was over, I’d decorate our home and start drumming up excitement about the upcoming arrival of Santa. When the Christmas catalogues arrived with oodles of toys, I’d share them with the boys. It would keep them entertained for hours!

I wanted this year to be different and to bring the celebration of Jesus’s birth and the joy of giving to the forefront of our Christmas season. So, I did what I always do when I need help. I prayed and read.

That’s when I found the article. It was a gift with perfect timing and it said this: “As soon as the Christmas catalogues are delivered to your house put them away so they are not accessible to the kids. (Good-bye free babysitter!) Don’t focus on Santa and the fact that he is going to bring presents. Santa will be relentlessly drilled into your kids. They’ll see and hear about him everywhere. Consider it all good and part of the season. Don’t criticize it. Just don’t feed it.”

That was it! I realized the kids were taking my lead and I was determined to change course. One day a few weeks before Christmas, I told the boys to write Santa their letter. They wrote it, mailed it and that was it. (In the past, we actually sent Santa revised editions!)

When the subject of Santa came up, we talked about him,but without me fueling the “Santa Fervor” the boys did not focus on what they were going to “get” for Christmas.

The article suggested we play Christmas music in our home and go caroling with the neighborhood kids. We did and our neighbors loved it. It suggested we invite our pastor over for dinner. We did and the kids wound up playing charades with him.

The most unique advice was to emphasize Joseph’s devotion to Mary and Jesus. This was especially lovely as it was likely we were raising four future husbands and fathers.

The article said to encourage generosity by giving the kids a dollar to place into the Salvation Army kettle. And when you bake, have the kids run a plate over to a neighbor. It said to help the kids identify and bring in a gift for a person, other than a teacher, who worked at their school.

The last recommendation was to “adopt a family” at school or church and go shopping with the kids as they picked out the specific gifts. (This idea continued all through high school. I loved watching our teenagers meticulously pick out gifts for people they would never meet.)

We tried every idea and the effect was immediate and quietly humbling. I’ve blundered through many areas of parenting while raising our four sons but since reading that article 23 years ago, Christmas has mostly been about Christmas.

Celebrating Advent as a Family

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says: “Prayer is the life of the new heart. It ought to animate us at every moment… But we cannot pray ‘at all times’ if we do not pray at specific times, consciously willing it” (CCC 2697). We come before the Lord with a desire for ‘a new heart’ when we find time for prayer throughout our day. The Church invites us to pray in many different ways. We can recite the Rosary, pray the liturgy of the hours, learn about the lives of the saints, celebrate the liturgical year through feast days, lift up our hearts in song or silence, and above all participate in the celebration of the Holy Eucharist. If we take time to pray at ‘specific times’, our home will be filled with prayer at ‘all times’.

The season of Advent (from the Latin word “adventus”, meaning “coming”) is the time of preparation for the birth of Christ. It is a time of longing and waiting for his ‘coming’. It should be a time filled with joy when we ponder the gift of God’s love, open our hearts to receive and open our hands to give. Advent begins the liturgical year. It begins on the Sunday closest to the last day in November.

Advent traditions are numerous. We do not always know their exact origin, but they have been lived in the hearts of the faithful. If traditions are lived and understood, they can bring families closer to Christ and transform the hearts of those who participate in them. How can we introduce some Advent traditions into our families this Advent season?

Advent Wreath – The wreath is circular and made of evergreens symbolizing the eternity of God. Seeds and fruit we may place on the wreath represent life and resurrection. There are four candles on the wreath, each representing one week of Advent. The three purple candles stand for prayer and penance. The rose candle is lit on the third Sunday (the “Gaudete Sunday”) and it symbolizes joy – “gaudium” in Latin – as we draw closer to the birth of Christ. The light that the wreath brings symbolizes Christ Himself – our Light. Take a family walk on the first Sunday of Advent and collect everything you will need for the Advent wreath. Make it together as a family and talk with your children about the rich symbolism. Have the wreath blessed by a priest, or read a family blessing of the wreath at home. Place it in a visible spot where your family gathers often. Light it during your evening prayer or at meal times.

Nativity Scene – Saint Francis of Assisi began the custom of the nativity scenes when he celebrated Christmas with his brothers at Greccio in 1223 with a Bethlehem scene which included live animals. This tradition quickly spread and people began to construct their own nativity scenes in their homes. Children take a great joy in helping to set up a nativity scene. The crèche may be made from various materials. Simplicity and beauty go often hand in hand. You may set up your entire scene at the beginning of Advent, leaving the crib empty for the Christ Child to arrive on Christmas Eve. Or you may set up the scene slowly, day by day. We like to hide one figure (an animal, or a branch…) each day of Advent, have our children search for it, and then place it around the manger. Joseph and Mary arrive to Bethlehem last. On Christmas Eve, the youngest child finds a small golden package under the Christmas tree with the figure of the Baby Jesus. We place it together in our crèche. Mary and Joseph can also ‘travel’ to Bethlehem, as they move slowly across your room every day until they reach the cave.

Advent Carols – The tradition of caroling is owed to Saint Francis as well. Children especially enjoy the beauty and joy expressed in Christmas Carols. However, Christmas carols should be sung at Christmas. During Advent, we are still waiting. Our music should express this waiting and longing for the Messiah. There are many beautiful Advent Hymns. Learn one new hymn every week of Advent with your family. Your waiting will be rewarded with a profound joy at Christmas time. [Editor’s note: Advent hymns can be found in your parish hymnal. For an online list of popular and lesser-known Advent hymns, see The Cyber Hymnal or Hymns of Advent.]

Jesse Tree – Jesse Tree is an old tradition depicting the relationship of Jesus with Jesse and other biblical figures who were the ancestors of Jesus. Jesse was the father of King David. He is often looked upon as the first person in the genealogy of Jesus. For your own Jesse Tree, a branch can be placed into a pot or a large vase at the beginning of Advent and every day a new ornament can be hung onto it.

These ornaments represent the individual figures from the two Testaments. They can be made out of paper, felt, clay, wood, or other materials. As the children place the ornaments onto the branch, the father of the family can read an appropriate Scripture passage that talks about the given ancestor of Jesus. There are many passages that can be chosen and many symbols that can represent various figures. Each family can create their own list of figures and their symbols. [Editor’s note: this webpage shows one example of Jesse tree ornaments; this webpage provides suggested readings and symbols for each of the Jesse tree ornaments.]

The Crib for the Christ Child – A small wooden crib can be displayed somewhere in your home. This empty crib can be filled with a new piece of straw every day for acts of kindness and small sacrifices. Encourage your children to notice goodness in others, instead of focusing on their own deeds and accomplishments. By the end of Advent, the crib should be filled with straw. On Christmas Eve, children can place a small figure of Baby Jesus in his soft bed of hay.

Advent Angels – At the beginning of Advent each family member can blindly pick a name of another member of the family and become his or her Advent angel. Prayers, sacrifices and acts of kindness can be offered and exercised daily. During the Christmas season small homemade gifts can be exchanged between the ‘angels’. This prolongs the joy of Christmas, encourages creativity and teaches children (and adults) to discover unique talents they can share with others.

Preparing our homes – Our homes should reflect our readiness for Christ’s birth. Clean your home together, simplify, share. Children can help to prepare a box for the poor and the lonely. You can donate extra clothing and household items, bake cookies together and share them or save them for the joyous time of Christmas. Begin working on Christmas cards and gifts early in Advent so that you can ‘rest your heart’ during the final days of Advent.

Preparing our hearts – Just as we prepare our homes, we should prepare our hearts. This is the time for a frequent sacrament of reconciliation, for a longer family prayer, and for lots of Advent reading together. This is the time when family can draw closer to the mystery of Christ’s Incarnation.

Celebrating the saints’ feast days – There are many beautiful feast days during Advent to celebrate. I will mention just a few. You can honor Saint Nicholas (December 6) by learning about his life. Prepare a play about him, or learn a hymn in his honor. Recalling the legend of the three daughters, place your shoes by the fireplace on the eve of the feast and wait for the saint’s ‘visit’. (In many European countries, Saint Nicholas visits families in person. He joins them for family prayers, blesses the children and leaves oranges, nuts and golden coins for each one of them. Children write letters to the Christ Child and deliver them through Saint Nicholas. These letters are filled with the children’s thanks for the past year and with their hopes for the year to come). You can make candles on the feast of Saint Ambrose (December 7), the patron saint of candle makers. While remembering our Mother Mary, you can also prepare a small gift for an expectant mother you know on the feast of the Immaculate Conception (December 8).

Decorate your house with lights on the Feast of Saint Lucy (December 13), whose name means ‘light’. According to an old Swedish custom, dress your oldest daughter in white and let her wake up the family with a candle-lit breakfast. Remember our Lady of Guadalupe with a Mexican meal, roses or poinsettias. Craft with your children, sing, celebrate, eat your meals together, find time… Prepare your homes and hearts for Christ!

An old German Advent Carol sings about the Christ Child carried under Mary’s heart as she wanders through the wood where nothing grew for seven years. As she walks through the forest, roses begin to bloom everywhere. May we carry Christ with Mary this Advent season. And may the roses bloom!

About the author
Maruška Healy, originally from the Czech Republic, is a graduate of the International Theological Institute in Gaming, Austria. She and her husband currently reside in Maryland where they homeschool their children.

The Blessing of “Unanswered Prayers”: An Adoption Story

I am still in awe of how abundantly my husband Tom and I have been blessed. Like country music star Garth Brooks states so well in one of his songs, “I thank God for unanswered prayers”. For years we prayed so hard to conceive a child. We could not even begin to have known how much more joy God’s plan for us would bring.

Early years of marriage: waiting for a child

Tom and I met during our freshmen year of college so we knew each other fairly well when we married a year after college. At the time of our marriage, we were aware that my medical history of severe endometriosis might make conception difficult. (Endometriosis is a common health problem in women in which the tissue that lines the uterus grows outside of the uterus and on other organs of the body.) We were lucky in that we had the opportunity to discuss this before marriage as well as the fact that adoption was an option that we were both comfortable exploring. But it didn’t make pregnancy announcements from friends and family any less difficult as we clung to the hope of conception for five years.

One of the most challenging part of those years of trying to conceive was attempting to navigate the world of fertility treatments and their moral implications. At that time we had only a vague sense that most fertility treatments were in opposition to the Church’s moral teachings. (We have only in recent years come to understand the richness and beauty of the Church’s wisdom on this. [1]) Nonetheless, we stayed true to Church teaching and began exploring adoption.

Beginning the adoption process

For at least a year, we attended multiple information sessions of state run adoption programs, private agency programs, and even met with an adoption consultant. Because we desired a newborn baby, we ruled out international programs and chose to pursue private domestic (within the US) adoption. Most children adopted from overseas are older than infancy.

I was in graduate school in Boston at the time and had a faculty member who had just adopted a baby. I set up a meeting with the same private agency that she used and we quickly compiled the vast ream of paperwork that the agency required. (By the end of this process, I think that the agency knew more about us than our own parents did!)

Our application was submitted in January 2000. We then began a series of home study meetings with the agency. Contrary to popular media’s portrayal of these meetings as involving a stern looking woman entering your home for a white-glove inspection, nothing could be further from the truth. The social workers that we met with were partially there to assess our motives and suitability to become adoptive parents. At the same time, their goal was also to try to help prepare us for the process, experiences, and possibly even challenges that adoption could bring to our lives.

Receiving the call

Although the matching process can vary by agency, these days, many private agencies give the birthparents the opportunity to select their baby’s adoptive parents. So we prepared a photo album that gave a sense of who we were and we wrote a letter to the birthparents to be included in the album. The agency then forwarded albums to the birthparents so they could choose an adoptive family for their child. I can only speculate, but I think that getting the call from an agency saying you’ve been selected by birthparents and the match has been made is somewhat synonymous to getting the much coveted call from the doctor’s office saying that your blood test was indeed positive for a pregnancy. From this point, the little girl whose birthmother had chosen us to adopt her child was, in our minds and hearts, fully our child. There is a saying that a biological child grows in the mother’s tummy but an adopted child grows in the parents’ hearts. Nothing could be more true.

In August 2000, our first child, Katie was born. Unlike many couples who are blessed with a more direct path to parenthood, we took nothing for granted with our blessing. We “fought” for our turn to change her diaper (weird, huh?), feed her, and hold her.

Adopting again

In May 2002, Tom had a new job and we were preparing to move to another part of the state. Katie and I were having breakfast with a friend who asked if we were planning to adopt again. It seemed like a crazy time to proceed since we were trying to sell one house and were in the middle of building a new one. Her questions seemed to light a fire in me though, and I became a woman on a mission. The details fell easily into place (despite the fact that we had to change adoption agencies) and by June 2002, we had submitted our second adoption application. Even though we had so much on our plates with a toddler, a move, and an impending adoption, I felt a profound peace from that day in May straight through to the day in January, 2003 when we were blessed with the birth of our second daughter, Meaghan. (I was even fortunate enough to be at the birth!) Meaghan was born in Georgia, which required a two week stay as we waited for the legalities of the adoption process to be finalized. Gratefully, we were blessed with mild Georgia weather while our home state was buried in snow and a record-breaking cold spell.

A boy and a girl!

In December 2004, we submitted our third application for adoption. The process was uneventful and much easier by the third time. Katie was four years old at this point and whenever we asked her if she thought this third child would be a boy or girl, she confidently replied “Both!” We would soon discover that she must have had a direct line to God. Our son, Andrew, was born in Ohio in September 2005. Once again, we remained in Ohio for a couple of weeks as we awaited the legal process.

The day after we returned home, I was sorting through a box of baby clothes (and putting away the pinks and purples), when I was moved with a profound longing for another little girl. Now, mind you, I was thrilled to have Andrew in our life. He was a sweet and easy little baby. So, I was befuddled why my heart felt this so keenly. One week later, I had my answer.

When Andrew was only three weeks old, the adoption agency that we worked with to adopt Katie called to inform us that Katie’s birthmother was pregnant again and wanted to know if we would be interested in adopting this child who was due in four months. I suddenly understood my strangely timed interior longing for another girl and chuckled as I reflected on Katie’s childlike prophesy of “a boy and a girl.” I knew, without a moment’s hesitation, scared as I was by the situation, that this was God’s plan for our family. Molly was born in January 2006, and once again I was blessed to be present at the birth.

Life as an adoptive family

Almost eight years after the birth of my fourth child, I rarely think about the fact that these are adopted children. I just know that they are “our children”. They know that they are adopted and it comes up periodically in conversations. They just started at a new school and were commenting on how people often don’t believe them when they say that they were adopted. Minimally, we reflect on it at that point each year around their birthdays when we send letters and photos to their birthparents (via the agency). Otherwise, at this point we have no direct contact with the birthparents. I have no doubt that at some point, some or maybe even all of our children will seek out a meeting with their birthparents. When that time comes, and they are of the appropriate age and maturity to do so, Tom and I will stand by them and support them in this process of self-understanding.

There are times when something like completing parental health history on their medical forms call to mind that they are adopted. There are also the occasional school projects about the students’ ethnicity that creep up. Otherwise, we chuckle on the many occasions when Tom or I have been told how much our children look just like us!

I would be misleading you if I told you that it was all easy. The adoption application process, at times, felt profoundly invasive. But if you talk with many new mothers, I think they might describe the birthing process as rather invasive. There are some challenges that are unique to adoptive mothers and fathers. It is difficult to explain to adopted children that just because they were “given up” for adoption, it does not mean that they were not “wanted”. (The term used more widely now is “placed for adoption,” which helps highlight the selfless generosity of birthparents in choosing an adoptive family for their child.) When we reflect on our children’s future weddings, we understand that there is a remote possibility that we might have to share the “parent pew” with their biological parents. Then we remember that these four little blessings were only given to us to “borrow” for a short period of time, but they don’t belong to us, or to their biological parents. They belong to God.

About the author
MaryPat and her husband Tom, shown above with their children, have been happily married for 20 years, regardless of the fact that they have very few common interests – except for God and family – proving that opposites really do attract! MaryPat worked in college admissions and as a high school guidance counselor until she became the full-time mother of four adopted and much beloved children. With all four children now enrolled in school, MaryPat has begun working with families as an Independent Educational Consultant through her new business, Compass College Advisors. Tom is employed in the banking industry and spends his time sharing his deep love of the Catholic faith with anyone willing to listen. They reside in the Archdiocese of Boston.

Notes
[1] See USCCB document about infertility and ethical reproductive treatments: “Life-Giving Love in an Age of Technology” (2009).

Fall Resolutions to Spark Your Marriage

Has your marriage fallen into a rut? Even good marriages go through the doldrums. The arrival of Fall, however, can bring new energy and purpose. Why not use this energy to reinvigorate your marriage? Here are four suggestions.

1. Read a book. Would you like to learn more about strengthening a new marriage, or dealing with the challenges of a long-established marriage? How about maximizing your time together, or raising faith-filled children? All these topics, and many more, have been the subject of our Book of the Month feature. Check out our reviews and find the perfect book to read and discuss together.

2. Try something new–together. Sign up for a class, anything from yoga to current affairs. Set aside one night each week to cook a new dish. Plan a day trip to a nearby town or historic site you haven’t yet seen.

3. Volunteer in the parish. Pope Saint John Paul II reminded married couples that their witness to love and life should extend beyond the immediate family. In focus groups with married couples, many participants said that volunteering in their parish helped to strengthen their marriage. Opportunities abound: teaching in the religious education program; serving as lectors or extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion; sponsoring a candidate in RCIA; or helping to organize the parish’s fall festival.

4. How about a Date Night? Don’t wait for the New Year; make a Fall Resolution to have a regular Date Night. Take turns planning your date, or compile a list of things you’d like to do on your date and work through it. We’ve put together some ideas for no cost, low cost, outdoors and at-home dates.

Resolving Differences

The Situation

We have only been married a short time, and things are going pretty well between us, but something that concerns me is that we don’t really solve problems. One of us raises an issue, we talk about it a little, and then we let it drop. For instance, I think he watches too much TV. When I complain he says “sorry” and then just goes back to watching sports every night. He thinks I spend too much money on unnecessary things, so I just don’t show him the things I buy any more.

What worries me is that eventually, when we have a real problem we can’t avoid, we won’t know how to deal with it. Are there any strategies for a couple like us to use?

A Response

Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, but you are smart to want to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. There’s no reason to assume that solving conflicts would come naturally. It’s a skill you learn and then practice, so that you develop “muscle memory,” a response that will come more easily when you are in a conflictual situation.

The first step in bringing up a problem is to start with an appreciation for the other person. In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work. You really make me feel like our future is secure because you have such a good work ethic.” This is the person you love and chose to marry so surely there is something in the situation that you appreciate or admire. Then move on to your view of the current situation. “I know when you come in you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?”

This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so I can’t share with you when that’s what you’re watching. We could watch a game show together, or a mystery, or a movie at least some of the time. I like all those things.”

Once he understands what your concern is, then you can work to find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch the game; the next, the two of you can watch a movie of your choosing.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much. He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget. She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. There are many different solutions. The right one is the one that feels fair and comfortable to the two of you.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended–those situations would be harder to deal with.

That kind of conflict requires one person to apologize, which is another habit worth cultivating. Apologizing is not the casual “sorry” that doesn’t have any real contrition behind it. A real apology is an admission that something has happened to offend the other person. It means taking responsibility for one’s action and making a plan to see that it will not happen again. Apologizing comes as a result of a conversation that allows the injured party to express how hurtful the incident was. These are not easy conversations, but they do allow the air to be cleared.

The other side of apologizing is forgiving. When an honest conversation has taken place, and one person has truly apologized, the onus is on the other person to offer forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is every bit as important as saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it. Marriage Encounter has an expression, “No Museum Keeping,” which means that if an offense has been forgiven, it is wiped off the record and cannot be brought up again. That doesn’t mean that if a similar issue comes up it can’t be addressed again. It just means that the prior offense cannot be revisited.

Big conflicts don’t come along frequently in most marriages. Small ones happen all the time, so these new skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the best tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened, and ready for use.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Hope for Families with a Child with Autism: Advice for Parents

A recent study identified 1 in 68 children (1 in 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls) as having autism spectrum disorder. (1) In the United States, most individuals are familiar with the disorder because of the high likelihood that they know someone with autism. The stress of any special needs diagnosis is difficult for a family, and those with autism have unique struggles. In order to identify resources available within our Catholic Church when faced with a diagnosis of autism, we can look to the words of our Holy Father Pope Francis:

When there is no human hope, there is that hope that carries us forward, humble, simple—but it gives a joy, at times a great joy, at times only of peace, but the security that hope does not disappoint: hope doesn’t disappoint (Morning Meditation, 3.17.16, emphasis added).

When I was told that my son was diagnosed with autism, I was the only adult in the room besides the doctor; my son and his two older sisters, ages 5 and 7, were there too. Our son was age three at the time, and his father was traveling out of town on business. I will never forget the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, and sense of fear that day as I stood in the doctor’s office.

Now, twelve years later, I can look back at those days with the benefit of hindsight and more importantly, grace. Despite the many challenges, and at times heartbreaking pain, I cannot imagine life without my Joey. That fear has been replaced by hope.

I have learned several lessons since that day, and each day brings a new lesson in how to help him grow. Each day also brings new insight for me as a parent, including where I need my own personal and spiritual growth.

The wisdom in our communion of saints is a resource that every Catholic can rely on when working with a child who has special needs. Three themes from our Holy Father’s ministry, which he emphasizes in homilies and in his writing, suggest a three-pronged approach for families with a child on the autism spectrum. Let’s look at each one:

Progress Forward

Many times with a child with autism, it can seem like one step forward, two steps back. The challenge is to have a long-term perspective, recognizing that the small steps you are taking now to provide early intervention will have a future payoff. Because autism often accompanies co-morbidities like anxiety, it can be difficult to manage your own natural worry as a parent, as well as that of your child. Make sure that every so often you take time to review the progress your child has made, and to express your appreciation for all of his or her hard work. It is also important to pat yourself on the back from time to time, because being a parent of a child with autism can be difficult and lonely. It can help to find local support groups in your area so you can share resources and support.

Humility

Frequently, mothers think that they are the only one who can meet their child’s needs. While it is important to recognize the mother’s role, both father and mother have to acknowledge that they cannot meet their child’s needs alone. Humility shows us that we have to rely on others, whether that be hiring in-home therapists, seeking private grant funding or finding other ways to get the support that you need as a family to successfully support your child with his or her diagnosis.

Simplicity

Pope Francis is noted for his simplicity as well as his humility. Sometimes, when a child with autism has an IEP (Individualized Education Program), a treatment plan with multiple medications, therapies both inside and outside the home, as well as the need for structural home modifications, the needs are so great that it can be hard for families to prioritize what is most important. Simplicity means focusing on the most important needs of the child right now, in this moment, and enjoying the many wonderful moments of joy that the child brings. I have chronicled the many funny things that my son has said to me over the years, which have not only made me laugh out loud in the moment but are something I treasure years later as I re-read them.

For families who have a child on the autism spectrum, don’t give up! There is hope, and lessons learned over time and from others can make the journey easier.

(1) https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/prevalence

About the author
Ann O’Keeffe Rodgers is a wife, mother and advocate for those with autism. She lives in Jacksonville, Florida, and is CEO of Hope Springs Florida, a vacation respite home designed for working-class families with a child with autism. Ann can be reached at rodgers_2244@hotmail.com.

When Can We Use NFP?

What the Church teaches on the moral spacing and limiting of births by spouses
Catholic spouses who strive to live Church teaching on responsible parenthood are sometimes confused by what the Church means by “serious” or “grave” reasons for the use of Natural Family Planning (NFP). This article will address that issue.

NFP enables spouses to space births according to the naturally occurring phases of fertility and infertility in the menstrual cycle. The Church has accepted this innovation of the 20th century as a morally acceptable means of spacing and limiting births in married life. The contemporary Church document, Humanae vitae, which articulated the reasons why NFP is acceptable, uses the words “serious” and “grave” to indicate the distinctions which spouses need to consider as they seek to plan their families according to God’s will. Catholic couples need to understand the meaning behind these words.

Historical Overview
The Church has always recognized the legitimacy of abstaining from sexual intercourse when both spouses consent for a limited time and for religious reasons (cf. 1 Cor. 7:5). When Pius XI condemned contraception in his encyclical on marriage, Casti connubii (Dec 31, 1930), he did not address the licitness of the Rhythm method which had only recently been discovered but did allow married couples the use of their conjugal rights “in the proper manner” when new life could not be brought forth either because of timing or defects of nature (no. 59). It was not until Pius XII that explicit pronouncements were made. By that time the Basal Body Temperature method (BBT) was becoming increasingly known and used among Catholics.

Pius XII, in an address to Italian midwives in October 1951, declared licit the use of the sterile period for serious reasons, but if the couple was confining intercourse to those days exclusively, their conduct needed to be examined. In that case it was not enough to be ready to accept a pregnancy if one should occur. For the practice to be moral there must be serious reasons independent of the couple’s good will. Otherwise to do so “would be a sin against the very meaning of conjugal life.” At the same time, Pius XII advised midwives to obtain a thorough knowledge of the biological and technical aspects of the theory.

Among the serious reasons for use even for an indefinite period, Pius XII cited “medical, eugenic, economic and social implication.” [1] Only one month later in another address, the pope affirmed “the legitimacy and, at the same time, the limits–in truth very wide–of a regulation of offspring, which unlike so-called ‘birth control,’ is compatible with the law of God,” and he hoped that science would provide a more secure basis for the method. [2]

The advent of the anovulant pill in the 1960’s and pressure from within the Church itself to change its teaching on contraception in the name of enhancing the unitive dimension of marriage led to lively debates in Vatican Council II. While Pope Paul VI reserved the question of whether the anovulant pill was a contraceptive until after the Council, the pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern world, Gaudium et Spes, reaffirmed that “marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordered to the procreation and education of children” (no. 48), and that the aim and meaning of conjugal life is to cooperate with the Creator in enlarging God’s family. As cooperators with the Creator they are “interpreters of his love” (no. 50).

Spouses will thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which may be foreseen. For this accounting they will reckon with both the material and spiritual conditions of the times as well as of their state of life. Finally they will consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society and of the Church herself (See GS, no.50).

Grave and Serious
Paul VI in his encyclical Humanae vitae (1968), while condemning the use of all contraceptive methods for even grave (gravia) reasons, declared licit the recourse to the infertile periods if the spouses have good (just and seria) reasons to postpone even indefinitely another pregnancy (HV, no.16 &10; the language here is similar to Gaudium et Spes, no.10). But first those spouses are commended who, with prudent deliberation and generosity, choose to accept a large family. The spouses are to consider their responsibilities towards God, themselves, the family, and human society. Each of these factors may be taken into account in right order in determining “serious and just reasons.”

In other words, the spouses are to discern together first, what is God’s plan for their family here and now, then their own physical and emotional resources for accepting another child, the needs of other family members, and lastly the good of the human society in which they live. The pope gives special encouragement to scientists to perfect the natural methods (HV, no.24), declaring that the discipline of chastity exercised in periodic continence enhances married life provided the spouses value the true blessings of family (HV, no.21).

John Paul II
John Paul II is faithful to the guidelines of Humanae vitae. In the Apostolic Exhortation, Familiaris consortio, he calls the fundamental task of the family “to serve life, to actualize in history the original blessing of the Creator–of transmitting by procreation the divine image from person to person” (FC, no.28). The Holy Father praises large families [3]; however, he also states,

. . . the fruitfulness of conjugal love is not restricted solely to the procreation of children…it is enlarged and enriched by all those fruits of moral, spiritual and supernatural life which the father and mother are called to hand on to their children, and through the children to the Church and to the world. (FC, no.28)

John Paul II takes every opportunity to encourage the development of NFP as a way of spacing births. [4] “When,” he says “by means of recourse to the periods of infertility, the couple respect the inseparable connection between the unitive and procreative meanings of human sexuality, they are acting as ‘ministers’ of God’s plan” (FC, no.32). John Paul II is at pains to counter those who would interpret too narrowly the Church’s teaching on the licitness of natural methods, adopting a form of providentialism, citing both Gaudium et spes no. 50 and Humanae vitae no.10: God the Creator invites the spouses not to be passive operators, but rather ‘cooperators or almost interpreters’ of His plan. [5]

The spouses are to exercise the virtue of prudence in a considered assessment of the well-being of the whole family. Reason and will are not to be abandoned in favor of a passive submission to physiological processes. Husband and wife are called to stewardship of all their gifts, especially fertility, which concerns the birth of a new human person made in the image of God and destined to union with Him for all eternity.

NFP proponent Rev. Anthony Zimmerman likens the spouses’ co-creation to God’s creation of the world in Genesis (1:1 to 2:3). After each new creation, God “saw that it was good” and paused before a new act of creation. After making man and women on the sixth day, he declared everything “very good” and rested from further creation. In the same way, NFP parents pause between each birth and when their family is complete according to God’s plan for them (which is likely to vary with each family), rest from any further work of co-creation. [6]

More than his predecessors, John Paul II saw the benefits of natural methods to the couple and family. He appreciates the way they offer spouses the possibility not only to space children but also to identify the most opportune time to conceive a child. In addition they call for dialogue and mutual sensitivity to one another. “Thus,” he says, “periodic continence…requires a profound understanding of the person and love.”

The way of living which follows from the exercise of periodic continence leads the couple to deepen their knowledge of each other and achieve a harmony of body, mind and spirit which strengthens and encourages them on their journey together through life. It is marked by a constant dialogue and enriched by the tenderness of affection which constitutes the heart of human sexuality. [7]

A Final Word
In summary, all the papal documents addressing the issue of marriage and procreation in the 20th century affirm that marriage and conjugal love are ordered to the procreation and education of children. While contraception cannot be used even in grave circumstances, natural methods of fertility regulation are licit when the couple have serious reasons. Children are a gift to be joyfully received as the crowning glory of family life (GS, no. 48). All modern popes have endorsed the development and use of natural methods of family planning as an aid to living responsible parenthood. John Paul II especially sees them as enabling the spouses to become a total gift to one another.

Notes
[1] Pius XII, Moral Questions Affecting Married Life: Addresses given October 29, 1951 to the Italian Catholic Union of midwives and November 26, 1951 to the National Congress of the Family Front and the Association of Large Families, National Catholic Welfare Conference, Washington, DC.

[2] Ibid

[3] John Paul II, “Homily at Capitol Mall, Oct 7, 1979,” in Pilgrim of Peace: Homilies and Addresses of his Holiness, Pope John Paul II on the Occasion of his Visit to the United States, USCC, 1979: 175-179.

[4] See, for example, “Pope to Two International Groups of Researchers,” L’Osservatore Romano (Weekly Edition) Dec. 3, 1979, and “To Study Group on Natural Regulation of Fertility: The Church is Grateful for the help you offer married couples,” L’Osservatore Romano, July 12, 1982.

[5] “Papal audience to participants of NFP course in Rome, December 14, 1990,” L’Osservatore Romano (weekly edition) Dec. 17, 1990.

[6] Rev. Anthony Zimmerman, “Newlyweds and NFP,” Homiletic and Pastoral Review, October 1986, 21-31.

[7] Address to “The Natural Regulation of Fertility: The Authentic Alternative,” conference, Rome, Dec. 9-11, 1992.

Copyright © 1999, Diocesan Development Program for Natural Family Planning, National Conference of Catholic Bishops (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops). Used with permission on dev19.foryourmarriage.org.

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

“Just” Friends

They go out to a movie. She likes this one better than the one they saw two weeks ago. He doesn’t say much about it.

They are husband and wife, young enough in their relationship to find occasional surprises in the likes and dislikes of each other, and not realizing it will always be this way. They are good friends, coaxing each other to openness. What do you really think about that movie? Come on…I really want to know.

Thinkers and singers have explored friendship and love for thousands of years. There is the pursuit and the passion, and oh, yes, the steadfast promise.

“I want a woman, I want a lover, I want a friend,” sang Jackie Wilson in a 1959 rhythm and blues classic, naming in simple terms the multiple relationships of husband and wife.

It is reality: male and female we are created, and we seek out each other, to be lovers and friends, to reveal and to be revealed.

“What can be more delightful than to have some one to whom you can say everything with the same absolute confidence as to yourself?” Cicero wrote. “Is not prosperity robbed of half its value if you have no one to share your joy? On the other hand, misfortunes would be hard to bear if there were not some one to feel them even more acutely than yourself.”

They sit across from each other at the table, and learn of the day’s events, his and hers. Some days are uncertain, some days are a song. I may lose my job. I wish we could afford something better. If I get a promotion, are you willing to move? The baby kicked today!

Spouses and friends, they sort through such matters, open to each other and assured that come what may, their sorrows and uncertainties will be shared and supported, their joy will be doubled.

Children may come to take their total attention, or nearly so. But if friendship is to endure, couples will nurture this central relationship of their marriage and family. Through school and sports and growing up, married friends share their love with their children, not reducing their own, but expanding it. And among the greatest gifts the children receive is the experience of their parents’ love and friendship.

They talk in bed. She is worried about the bills. He says God will provide.

Fear and faith are revealed. The bills are real and so is the faith.

Faith and truth will overcome the fears of friends who have come to rely on each other – the strength of one to shore up the weakness of the other. Their strength is in the Lord, and in their own unity.

There are some things they don’t have to talk about. He leaves the table saw and other tools in the middle of the garage long after the project is finished. She forgets to give him a telephone message. Neither complains.

Friends know each other’s quirks. Perfection was never part of the promise they made each other, or possible.

Married friends need time together. It takes time to get to know each other’s failings and flaws, and it takes time to get over them.

She tells him he ought to take better care of his health. They both know her concern is genuine.

Married friends hold each other accountable, willing to speak the truth to each other, always forgiving but not excusing.

Do you see yourself in any of these vignettes? If you do, congratulations. If you don’t there are some steps to take to strengthen your friendship in marriage.

Author John M. Gottman says that happily married couples actually like each other, and they express their fondness and admiration for each other.

Remember when I locked my keys in the car and you rescued me? I am really happy you wanted to get involved in that project. I was touched when you were sensitive, or careful, tender, playful, lusty, understanding.

Happily married couples concentrate on the positive qualities of each other.

When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. I am really proud of my partner. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.

Couples spend time together. “Spending time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, ‘You matter to me,’” writes Michele Weiner-Davis. “Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other’s jokes, to renew their love.”

She advises couples to plan and schedule time together, to make dates (and leave the kids at home), to not waste time figuring out whose fault it is you haven’t been spending time together, and that you don’t need a trip to a tropical island when you can walk around the block together.

They take a walk in the evening. At their age, time together no longer feels like a luxury; it has come to be the necessity they always knew it was. They talk about her day, his day, the kids and their careers, the appointment with a doctor and what it might mean, tomorrow’s hopes, the week’s demands. And for long stretches, they don’t need to talk at all.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut

The Situation

After 16 years of marriage Bill and Betty find themselves in the marital doldrums. Although neither would say it openly, each feels their marriage has become lackluster and is in a rut. “Boring” was how Bill explained it to his closest friend. Although Bill and Betty have two children who keep them busy, what has characterized their marriage of late is a lot of routine and predictability. Even Bill’s tired joke that Friday night was their night for sex “in order to get it out of the way for the weekend”–a weekend filled with predictability and tedious repetition–was more true than he wanted to admit. It typified the lack of surprise or delight in their relationship.

Boredom started creeping in soon after Bill and Betty began to settle in to married life. Their efforts to provide their family with safety and security had instead created an all-too-patterned life of mostly sheer monotony. They began to treat their marriage as a finished product, rather than as something to cultivate. They then moved to the tasks of buying a house, having children, and advancing their careers, while expecting their marriage to take care of itself.

A Response

Betty and Bill need to recognize that being tiresome or dull is their own doing. Boredom is an emotional state resulting from inactivity or when couples are uninterested in opportunities surrounding them. Bill and Betty dislike uncertainty. Therefore, they work hard to create a life of security for their children and are carefully saving for their future. One might say they are a “risk adverse couple,” but to a fault. They attend the same few restaurants and go to the same place for vacation at around the same time of year. They’ve traded adventure and discovery for safety.

For some couples boredom is accepted as suffering to be endured. Common passive ways to escape boredom are to sleep or daydream. Other couples expend considerable effort and expense to remedy boredom through elaborate entertainment. These are only temporary fixes, however, since boredom is not so much dependent on one’s environment as a lack of imagination. You might say it is actually the person him/herself who is dull.

Typical solutions consist of intentional activities, often something new, since familiarity and repetition can contribute to tedium. Couples can learn a new hobby, take dance lessons, join a book club, cultivate a garden, learn another language, take a course, or go back to school. But that is not all they can do.

They can also get a life! For instance, they can help with the inner city poor or tutor children with reading difficulties. In short, they can get involved in something more important than themselves. They can start taking an ailing grandmother to and from her doctor’s appointments and see if the boredom doesn’t take care of itself. Either way, the solution is to immerse oneself in the world and respond to its many needs.

Early in Betty and Bill’s relationship there may have been the excitement of the chase. Once married, however, couples too often forget the importance of continuing to woo one another. They need to keep the love notes and flowers coming. They need to dress up for each other and to set up date nights. Sadly, many couples, when pressed, acknowledge that they never get away without the children.

Marriage can be a spiritual pathway, but it does not become so without intentionality and effort. Religion can be abused if it excuses boredom as something that just has to be tolerated as essential to the human condition. Acceptance of our human condition also means accepting our ability to imagine and explore new life experiences and to ponder what they mean for us spiritually. Probing God’s ways in our life can be stimulating and provide answers to life’s ultimate questions. God actions throughout history are seldom dull or ordinary. Try reading the Bible for dramatic interventions.

The challenge is not to destroy the relationship over one of the common marriage problems that can so easily be resolved. Even if one has divorced, and a new relationship initially seems exciting, this issue of boredom will eventually creep into any new relationship unless it is addressed. Couples need to re-kindle their love, no matter how buried it may appear. For example, they can switch off the TV and take half an hour to muse over the day together. Send the children to bed or off to grandparents for an overnight and have a candle lit dinner at home. Flood your conversation with things you admire and love about your spouse.

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