Category Archives: Default

Marriage Prep Resources

You’re engaged. Congratulations! The Church rejoices with you as you prepare to enter the Sacrament of Marriage and embark on this great vocation of love and service.

The Catholic Church has long been a leader in providing high-quality marriage preparation programs for engaged couples. These programs come in many forms: weekend retreats, a series of evening meetings, one-day events, online programs, or meetings with a priest or mentor couple. But they all share the common goal of providing engaged couples with the knowledge, skills, and formation they need to have a happy, holy, lifelong marriage.

Each diocese has its own requirements for marriage prep, so check with the church where you’ll be getting married to see what program(s) are recommended or required in your diocese. Below are some widely-used marriage preparation programs and other resources for engaged couples.

Your engagement is also a great time to take Natural Family Planning (NFP) classes to learn more about the beautiful gift of fertility and prepare to live a marriage that is open to life and to God’s plan for your family.

For couples who are currently civilly married outside of the Church and would like their marriage to be recognized by the Catholic Church, please see Convalidation: Bringing Your Marriage Into The Church.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

Table of Contents

Complete Marriage Preparation Programs

Agape Catholic Marriage Prep
A division of Agape Catholic Ministries, dedicated to the building of strong Christ-centered marriages since 2004. Online, interactive, and mentor-led Pre-Cana Program that can also be given in-person by trained instructors. Available anytime from anywhere. Based on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and the teachings of the Catholic Church. Available in English, Spanish and French.

Contact: info@catholicmarriageprep.com, 800-208-1364

Catholic Engaged Encounter
An in-depth, private, personal marriage preparation experience within the context of Catholic faith and values. The weekend retreat offers a “time out” where engaged couples can dialogue intensively about prospective lives together and hear helpful presentations from married couples. Weekends are offered periodically throughout the country; map of upcoming weekends here.

Contact: fill out the form on the website

Catholic Marriage Prep Class Online
An online, on-demand preparation program based on videos from experts and married couples; interactive, convenient, and private. Available anytime from anywhere. Run by Marriage Ministries, an initiative of The Marriage Group. Materials were prepared with collaboration from several arch/dioceses. Available in Spanish: www.preparacionmatrimonialcatolica.com.

Contact: info@catholicmarriageprepclass.com, 1-855-PRE-CANA (773-2262)

For Better and For Ever
A parish-based “sponsor couple” approach to marriage preparation. Married couples of the parish are trained to meet the engaged “where they are” as the starting point for dialogue about the vocation of Matrimony. The sponsor couple hosts a series of 4-6 meetings with the engaged couple in their own home, then after the wedding they follow-up with the newly married couple through the first year(s) of marriage. Available in English, Spanish, Vietnamese, and French.

Contact: rob@marriagepreparation.com, 210-534-1129

Joined by Grace: Preparing for the Sacramental Journey of Marriage, by Ave Maria Press, John and Teri Bosio, and Spirit Juice Studios
Grounded in Church teaching and incorporating the wisdom of Pope Francis’s apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love), the Joined by Grace program allows pastoral leaders and mentors to help couples build strong, life-giving, and lasting marriages. Offering couples the tools they need for life after their wedding day, Joined by Grace shows how the seven sacraments can help build marriages that are rooted in Christ by teaching couples to accept and be fully present to one another, give themselves completely, and serve and forgive each other. While developed for use in six sessions by mentors and engaged couples or small groups, the Program Manual offers a weekend retreat format as well.

The Joined by Grace program includes a Program Manual, Mentor’s Guides, Couple’s Guides, and a DVD. The DVD includes videos by pastoral leaders and the witness of real-life couples unscripted in their homes. An online library includes free resources to support marriage ministry coordinators, mentors, and engaged couples: JoinedbyGrace.com.

Contact: Ave Maria Press, 800-282-1865

Joy-Filled Marriage
Includes a virtue-based life skills component (“Living a Joy-Filled Marriage”) and a component focused on the Sacrament of Marriage and the Theology of the Body (“God’s Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage”). Both components have Leader’s Guides. The two parts can be used separately, perhaps as a supplement to an existing marriage prep program, or together. Published by Ascension Press.

Contact: info@joyfilledmarriage.com, 1-800-376-0520

The Picture of Love Marriage Preparation Program
The Picture of Love Marriage Preparation Program is available for both Engaged Couples and Convalidation Couples explores the joys and challenges of living out the Sacrament of Matrimony with special focus on the importance of inviting Jesus to be the center of marriage and family life. Originally released in 2002, Picture of Love is an officially sanctioned and proven Marriage Preparation Program, currently used in Catholic parishes and dioceses across the nation. The newly revised 2017 version of Picture of Love has received the imprimatur of Archbishop Jose H. Gomez, Archdiocese of Los Angeles.

Preparing to Live in Love
This parish-based program combines personal mentoring with a marriage preparation curriculum that integrates Theology of the Body and practical life skills. A mentor couple guides the engaged couple through the curriculum in a series of meetings in the mentors’ home. Provided by the Pennsylvania-based Pastoral and Matrimonial Renewal Center.

Contact: pmrcusa@msn.com, 877-201-2142

Smart Loving Engaged Online
SmartLoving Engaged Online combines psychological insights with the Theology of the Body to equip couples to navigate the joys and challenges of married life. Now available online, couples can access the course anytime and from anywhere in a self-directed capacity or invite a married sponsor couple from the parish to accompany them at no extra charge. Flexible and affordable, the course has an imprimatur and is approved for use in many dioceses throughout Australia, UK, USA, Canada, Africa and Asia. If you and your fiancé are separated by distance, you can complete the course separately meeting on Skype after every lesson to complete the activities together.

Contact: info@marriagerc.org

Theology of the Body Marriage Preparation
This marriage prep program, which Dr. Janet Smith calls a “real contribution to the need for truly useful marriage preparation materials,” gives poignant, refreshing insights into personal growth, communication skills, finances, catechesis, and more, all from the perspective of the Theology of the Body. The unique diagrams and charts—which Dr. Peter Kreeft lauds as “delightful” and “memorable”—flesh out St. John Paul II’s insights, make tough concepts accessible, and offer food-for-thought for discussions by couples. This complete program comes with a slide show presentation with facilitator’s notes and three downloadable files (Facilitator’s Guide, TOBET Tips for Presenting, and Addressing Tough Issues: A Theology of the Body Pastoral Response). TOB expert Monica Ashour can be brought in to train the trainers. Written by Monica Ashour, MTS, M Hum, and members of TOBET (Theology of the Body Evangelization Team). Available in English, Spanish, and Vietnamese.

Contact: Monica Ashour, mashour@tobet.org or 972-849-6543 (for content questions);
info@tobet.org (for order questions).

Transformed in Love: Building Your Catholic Marriage
Written with consideration of current pastoral challenges in marriage preparation, this program provides a reflective, formational experience for couples through activities, practice exercises, and quotes from Scripture and Church documents. Leader and Team Manual available. Developed by clergy and laity in the Archdiocese of Boston; published by Pauline Books & Media.

Contact: Liz Cotrupi, cotrup_e@rcab.org

Unveiled
Unveiled was created by the Catholic Diocese of Richmond to blend marriage preparation and evangelization. This innovative video-based solution offers a consistent, comprehensive, and captivating approach to marriage preparation. Unveiled allows you to ensure the integrity of the theological and practical content, focus your efforts on training facilitator couples to be story-telling evangelists, and implement a dynamic educational methodology that integrates beautiful media. Unveiled can be used as an online e-learning course, run at the parish level, or offered on the diocesan scale.

Contact: marriageprep@richmonddiocese.org, or call 804-622-5109.

Witness to Love
Witness to Love is a tool for parishes that want to use the marriage prep process to benefit engaged couples by building a support system to accompany them before and after the wedding, integrating them into parish life, focusing on evangelization and getting the most out of the marriage prep process. This is not just a program but a system that will help enhance the current offerings that a parish, or diocese, already has in place and it is compatible with any PMI or marriage prep program listed on this page. Witness to Love was established in response to St. John Paul II’s apostolic exhortation Familiaris Consortio and operates under the guidance of the Archdiocese of New Orleans. Online or live training for clergy or marriage prep personnel available. Available in English and Spanish (Testimonio de Amor).

Contact: Mary-Rose Verret, witnesstolove@gmail.com

Your Marriage
“Your Marriage” is a parish-based marriage prep resource from Liguori Publishing as part of their Sacramental Preparation Series. It is led by marriage prep leaders in small or large groups or individually, with an emphasis on regular meetings with the parish priest. The program includes a solid and thorough, yet accessible, presentation of Church teaching regarding marriage, as well as practical application to address the needs and challenges faced by couples today. The series includes a DVD of testimonies from married couples and spiritual direction from Fr. Byron Miller, CSsR corresponding with each chapter, as well as additional resources available through the publisher’s website. Available in English and Spanish.

Contact: Mary Wuertz von Holt, mwuertz@liguori.org or 636-223-1435

Premarital Inventories

A premarital inventory, or PMI, is a common tool in marriage preparation for an engaged couple to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and each other, and to identify subjects that may need additional discussion or consultation. Best practice for PMIs include having the engaged couple go over the results of their inventory with a trained priest or mentor couple.

Catholic Couple Checkup
A comprehensive premarital inventory with an illustrative report and discussion guide that can be sent to a priest or mentor couple to discuss with the engaged couple. Provided by Marriage Ministries, an initiative of The Marriage Group. Can be used together with their marriage preparation program (comes free with the program) or separately by couples.

Contact: info@catholicmarriageprepclass.com, 1-855-PRE-CANA (773-2262)

Couple Checkup
Couple Checkup is an online relationship assessment that is tailored to each couple and the Catholic faith. The computer-generated report helps couples discover their strength and growth areas across several relationship categories such as communication, conflict resolution, roles, financial management, personality and more. Couples can bring their results to a priest or premarital counselor to work through their results. Powered by Prepare/Enrich.

Contact: 1-800-331-1661

FOCCUS
Premarital inventory that covers major areas engaged couples should discuss. Offers research and training that Facilitate Open, Caring Communication, Understanding and Study. After taking the FOCCUS pre-marital inventory, couples meet with a trained facilitator. Available in Spanish, Chinese, and for couples with English as a second language.

Contact: foccus@foccusinc.com, 1-877-883-5422

Fully Engaged
A Catholic catechetical pre-marriage inventory that carries a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur. This comprehensive, catechetical tool forms engaged couples in the riches of the Church while equipping them with the essential skills necessary for a healthy marriage. This program utilizes a catechetical workbook for the engaged couple and contains a detailed Facilitator’s Guide for the Facilitator. Follow-up formation emails are sent to the newlywed couple for one year after their marriage. Fully Engaged also contains a complete Convalidation Inventory for civilly married couples.

For more information or to order a Preview Package, call 800-624-9019 or email fe@gw.stcdio.org.

IPI Intercommunications Publishing
IPI was the first to offer pre-marriage inventories, beginning in 1980. We have programs available for various premarital situations, such as never-married couples, couples entering a second marriage, couples having their civil marriage convalidated, couples from different faith traditions, and more. Inventories are available both in hard-copy and online with English and Spanish options.

Contact: 800-999-0680

Prepare/Enrich
An online relationship inventory and skill-building program based on a solid research foundation. Custom tailored to a couple’s relationship and provides couple exercises to build their relationship skills. Can be used both for engaged and married couples. After taking the inventory, couples meet with a trained facilitator.

Contact: 800-331-1661

Spirituality and Religion in Your Marriage: A Reflective Process for Engaged Couples by Dr. James Healy, Director of the Center for Family Ministry in the Diocese of Joliet

This booklet contains a short inventory that places the individual in one of four categories: 1) high in both Spirituality and Religion, 2) high in Spirituality and low in Religion, 3) low in both Religion and Spirituality, and 4) high in Religion and low in Spirituality. It affirms strengths and encourages growth in both the individual and the couple towards category number 1. Available in Spanish.

Workbooks and Books for Engaged Couples

The following workbooks can be used as a supplement to existing marriage preparation programs, or by engaged couples on their own for additional formation.

A Marriage in the Lord, 6th edition
This Catholic marriage preparation workbook helps couples to prepare for a lifelong happy, healthy, and holy marriage. Revised edition includes discussion of the Theology of the Body, threats to marriage, and couple prayer. Bulk discounts available. Provided by the Marriage and Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago.

Contact: 312.534.8351 or email through this form

The Mission of Love: A Sacramental Journey to Marital Success by John Curtis, Fr. Dominic McManus, O.P., and Mike Day
Focused on helping engaged couples embrace their mission and vocation in the Sacrament of Marriage. A unique vantage point encourages couples to design their family’s mission statement and “job descriptions” for each member. Book format and Couple’s Guidebook with exercises. Available in Kindle version.

Contact: newpriorypress@opcentral.org or 312-243-0011.

Revolution of Love: the 21st Century Home – Seven Ways to Bring Love into the Home
Reflections from Pope Francis, St. Josemaria, and Cormac Burke; published in 2016.
This beautifully presented handbook features compelling photographs and quotes that capture hearts with a joyful, loving vision of marriage, family, and home. Brief chapters reflect on such topics as “The Warmth of Home,” “Marriage: A Divine Adventure,” “Communication in the Home,” “Prayer: Loving God with Affection,” “Pursuing Our Dreams,” and more. Pope Francis’s addresses and writings are a primary source of the book’s text, beginning with the first quote in this handbook, taken from The Joy of the Gospel, “The Son of God became man to summon us to a revolution of tenderness.” This handbook hopes to offer, in Pope Francis’s words, “ways to restore and safeguard God’s loving plan for humanity.”
For both engaged and married couples.

Contact: rolbooks2016@gmail.com for group discounts & more information.
This book is also available on Amazon (see the “Look Inside” feature).

Theology of the Body Marriage Preparation
This marriage prep guide—which Dr. Peter Kreeft lauds as “delightful” and “memorable”—gives refreshing insights into personal growth, communication skills, finances, catechesis, and more, all from the perspective of the Theology of the Body. The unique diagrams and charts flesh out St.John Paul II’s insights, make tough concepts accessible, and offer food-for-thought for discussions by couples. Dr. Janet Smith calls this program a “real contribution to the need for truly useful marriage preparation materials.” Written by TOB expert Monica Ashour, MTS, MHum, and the members of TOBET (Theology of the Body Evangelization Team). Available in English, Spanish, and Vietnamese.

Contact: Monica Ashour, mashour@tobet.org or 972-849-6543 (for content questions); info@tobet.org (for order questions).

Supplemental Curriculum

10 Great Dates Before You Say “I Do.”
Want to help couples discern if they are right for each other—even before becoming engaged? Then this video-based curriculum, disguised as fun dates, will help you help couples decide if they should take the next step toward marriage. You can also use this book as homework assignments for your parish marriage prep or mentoring couples, or combine them with the video date launches for the greatest impact. The DVD (with host couple Heather & Peter Larson) was a joint project with Prepare/Enrich and designed to help couples develop the skills and put into practice what they learned about each other after taking a premarital inventory. It’s a match made in heaven!

Contact: Arps@marriagealive.com; 865-690-5887

Natural Family Planning Classes
Natural Family Planning (NFP) is an umbrella term for methods of fertility observation used to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Couples preparing for marriage are encouraged to take an NFP class to learn this holistic way of respecting the life-giving nature of married love. Various methods are available, in both in-person and distance-learning classes.

Contact: USCCB Natural Family Planning Office, nfp@usccb.org

The Roadmap to a Happy Marriage by Verily Magazine
This easy-to-access online course was designed to give people seeking a healthy, happy, lasting relationship the tools they need to achieve it, whatever their current relationship status. The course consists of videos, worksheets, and some practical exercises and covers issues such as how your family of origin impacts your approach to relationships, conflict and communication styles, and how to navigate practical issues as a couple. While it is not aimed at Catholics, the course content is consistent with Church teaching and can be taken alongside any other marriage prep engaged couples might be receiving through their parishes. It’s also helpful for single people who want to take a more intentional approach to relationships and dating, people who are dating and trying to discern whether they are ready for marriage, and newlyweds looking for a refresher.

Contact: support@verilymag.com

Videos

“Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding”
Produced by the USCCB. Walks the viewer through the Rite of Marriage both within and without Mass, and answers FAQs about Catholic weddings. Designed for engaged couples, both Catholic couples and those marrying a non-Catholic. Also helpful for those who are helping to prepare engaged couples for marriage.

Contact: marriage@usccb.org, 202-541-3013

BELOVED: Finding Happiness in Marriage – Parish Edition
Beloved is a video-based study program by the Augustine Institute that explores the true meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage. In twelve sessions, couples will discover the deepest spiritual, emotional, and practical realities of marriage through Scripture, Tradition, and Church teaching. They’ll see firsthand how to experience the wonder, mystery, and joy of this sacrament—from that first “I do” through the rest of their lives. Beloved sessions are presented on a 6-DVD set, and kits come complete with Couple’s and Leader’s Guides – everything you need to experience the full power of Beloved for a marriage preparation program.

For more information, contact Colleen at (866) 767-3155 or visit augustineinstitute.org/beloved.

“When Two Become One”
Produced by the Diocese of Rockville Centre’s Office of Faith Formation. In this 25-minute DVD engaged couples learn about the Sacrament of Marriage, love, sexuality, natural family planning and more through the witness of four couples sharing their experiences, challenges and joys.

Contact: 516-678-5800 ext. 223

Marriage Boosters

Engaged couples: you are invited to personalize your marriage preparation with videos that relate to your particular circumstance. Go to marriageboosters.net, register (no charge!), and you have access to videos that relate to your unique situation. Learn from other couples like you! Topics covered include the Unique Challenges of Military Families, Cohabitation, Forming a Stepfamily, Children of Divorce, Second Marriages, Interfaith and Interchurch Marriages, and Strengthening African–American Catholic Marriages. Developed by Marriage Ministries, an initiative of The Marriage Group, in collaboration with several arch/dioceses.

Preparing for the Wedding Liturgy

The high point of a Catholic wedding is the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, where bride and groom become husband and wife in the lifelong bond of marriage. The below resources assist engaged couples planning a Catholic wedding to understand and prepare for the wedding liturgy. On For Your Marriage are walk-through articles about Catholic weddings within Mass, without Mass, and between a Catholic and non-baptized person.

A Catholic Bride’s Wedding Planner, by Tracy Becker
Practical tool for Catholic brides (and grooms). Includes reflections on engagement and the Sacrament of Marriage, steps for getting married in the Catholic Church, a calendar with stickers to mark important moments leading up to the wedding, and an organizational section for wedding vendor contact information.

Catholic Wedding Help
A step-by-step guide to planning a Catholic wedding, including Scripture readings, the vows, various parts of the wedding liturgy, and information about Catholic marriage. Provided by Our Sunday Visitor.

CatholicWeddingPlanner.com
Offers assistance for clergy and engaged couples to plan the wedding ceremony. Engaged couples can select prayers and Scripture readings for the liturgy, organize musical choices and create printed programs. Clergy can provide liturgical options to the couples they serve and receive a complete ceremony printout.

The Order of Celebrating Matrimony Complete Set, from Ave Maria Press
Approved as an official liturgical document by the USCCB, this all-in-one wedding resource for parish ministers is based on the revised Catholic wedding rite, The Order of Celebrating Matrimony. The complete card and ceremonial binder set includes 19 tabs and 144 three-hole-punched ritual cards with a single scripture reading, prayer, or blessing from the approved text of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony. The cards are printed in large, bold, easy-to-read type. Ave’s The Order of Celebrating Matrimony corresponds to the 2016 edition of Together for Life. The cards and binder also are each available separately.
Contact: Ave Maria Press, 800-282-1865

“Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding”
Produced by the USCCB. Walks the viewer through the Rite of Marriage both within and without Mass, and answers FAQs about Catholic weddings. Designed for engaged couples, both Catholic couples and those marrying a non-Catholic. Also helpful for those who are helping to prepare engaged couples for marriage.

Contact: marriage@usccb.org, 202-541-3013

Together for Life: Celebrating & Living the Sacrament, by Joseph M. Champlin, with Peter A. Jarret, C.S.C.
With more than nine million copies sold, Together for Life provides all of the tools engaged couples and their ministers need to plan the liturgical celebration of their wedding—prayers, Bible readings, vows, and sample intercessions. Together for Life also includes catechetical commentary to help couples deepen their understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony. The sixth edition incorporates the changes and additions in The Order of Celebrating Matrimony, and includes all approved liturgical texts for planning weddings within Mass, without Mass, or between a Catholic and a Catechumen or non-Christian. The text is supported by Together for Life Online, which helps couples through their engagement, the first years of their marriage, and beyond. Also available in Spanish.

Contact: Ave Maria Press, 800-282-1865

Prayer Resources

“If we were to offer any advice to a couple preparing for marriage it would be this: Pray. Pray a lot.” – For Your Marriage blogger Sara (Suchy) Rennekamp

Advice about prayer from Pope Francis
“On this journey [of marriage] prayer is important, it is necessary, always: he for her, she for him and both together. Ask Jesus to multiply your love. In the prayer of the Our Father we say: ‘Give us this day our daily bread’. Spouses can also learn to prayer like this: ‘Lord, give us this day our daily love‘, for the daily love of spouses is bread, the true bread of the soul, what sustains them in going forward. … This is the prayer for engaged couples and spouses. Teach us to love one another, to will good to the other! The more you trust in him, the more your love will be ‘forever’, able to be renewed, and it will conquer every difficulty.” – from an address on St. Valentine’s Day, Feb. 14, 2014

Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers
A book with numerous blessings and prayers that can be prayed at home in the domestic Church, including a blessing for engaged couples, prayer of a future wife and a future husband, a table blessing for weddings, and blessing of a son or daughter before marriage.

Available through USCCB Publishing: www.usccbpublishing.org, 877-978-0757

Reflections to Accompany a Rosary Novena for a Couple Preparing for Marriage by Dianne M. Traflet, J.D., S.T.D.
These beautiful reflections, based on the Mysteries of the Rosary, guide the engaged couple and those praying for them to a deeper appreciation of the sacrament and vocation of marriage.

Other Resources

CatholicMatch Institute
The CatholicMatch Institute is focused on providing dating and marriage resources for singles, couples and church leaders. They publish online daily content as well as printed resources that are especially useful in parishes and dioceses. The resources encourage purposeful dating that helps increase the number of healthy marriages.

Contact: 888-267-8885 x3

Spoken Bride
Under the patronage of Our Lady and Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin, Spoken Bride is a site that offers resources for newly engaged and married women pursuing beauty in their vocation. Spoken Bride features a variety of Catholic vendors who care not only about the externals of the wedding day but the depth of the meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage. The blog features practical help for wedding day and sacramental preparation, engagement and wedding stories from Catholic couples, and Christ-centered reflections for spiritual growth.

Contact: hello@spokenbride.com

I Believe in Love
I Believe in Love is a storytelling website written by and for young people who want more for their romantic relationships. At our site, we invite ordinary young adults to tell their stories—their successes and failures, their hopes and their worries about love, dating, sex, and marriage to inspire themselves and readers to find lasting love in marriage. I Believe in Love is a project of the Chiaroscuro Institute, a nonpartisan nonprofit organization dedicated to reconnecting sex, marriage, and children to promote flourishing communities.

Contact: editor@ibelieveinlove.com

Frequently Asked Questions by Engaged Couples

How do I know if I’m ready to marry?

  • Do most people consider you emotionally mature, able to compromise, communicate well, share your feelings, and handle anger constructively?
  • Do you love this other person so much that you are willing to put his or her happiness before your own?
  • Are you marrying out of strength (I know who I am and am happy with myself) rather than weakness (I need someone to fill the gaps in my personality)?
  • Have you developed strong friendships that have lasted over time?
  • Are you able to keep commitments and delay gratification?
  • Do you struggle on a regular basis with harmful habits or addictions, e.g. to alcohol, drugs, or pornography? That’s not necessarily a reason not to marry, but it is something that left untreated can seriously weaken your ability to have a healthy marriage.
  • Is God calling you to marriage? Have you prayed and discerned about this?

How do I know if this is the right person?

  • Do you share similar basic values about respecting human life, fidelity, commitment, what’s right and wrong, honesty, life goals, and lifestyle?
  • Does your significant other bring out the best in you, and you in him or her?
  • Are you physically attracted to this person?
  • Can you imagine growing old together?
  • Do your trusted family members and friends support your relationship and affirm that it’s healthy and respectful?
  • Do you experience ongoing conflict or, worse, violence and abuse in your relationship? That is a red flag to slow down and seek advice and help, ensuring your safety if necessary.
  • Is God calling you to marriage with this person? Have you prayed and discerned about this?

Is it necessary to feel “chemistry” between us for this to be the right person to marry?

Chemistry, or feeling like you “click” with another person, is a natural part of a deepening relationship, and a wonderful part of falling in love, but unfortunately, chemistry is sometimes confused with infatuation, which can be fleeting.

In the good sense, chemistry means you feel a strong physical and emotional attraction to the other person and want to become closer to him or her. You feel happy in his or her presence and enjoy your time together. This sense of unity and joy at the other’s presence can be a great foundation for a happy marriage.

In contrast, infatuation means you are consumed with thinking of the other person to the point of doing silly or risky actions to be together. You are blind to the faults of the other and consumed with being noticed by him or her. Your need to be liked is so strong that you are willing to give up your own personality or morals for the other’s affection. Often infatuation is an unequal relationship between the object of adulation and the infatuated person. If this describes your relationship, you may want to step back and reevaluate.

Doesn’t living together before marriage prevent me from marrying the wrong person and thus getting divorced later on?

Although it may sound counterintuitive, studies show that cohabiting couples:

  • Increase their risk of breaking up after marriage (46% higher divorce rate)
  • Increase the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children
  • Have lower levels of happiness and well-being compared to married couples

Why should I attend a marriage preparation program? We’ve known each other for a long time and can’t imagine we’d learn anything new.

You don’t have to discover all the things that make a marriage work by trial and error. Others have done some of that work for you. At a marriage prep program, you get a glimpse into other couples’ marriages so you can have a more realistic sense of what’s normal and what’s not, and you can get solid advice on how to have a happy, holy marriage.

Although every marriage relationship is unique, there are many tips experienced couples can share that will help you when you face bumps in your own marriage. Marriage preparation programs also give you an opportunity to talk with each other about the wide spectrum of “must-have conversations” before marriage. You’ve probably talked about most of them, but you may have avoided a few. This is a time to check yourselves.

Most likely you will find that you gain confidence in your decision to marry as a result of attending a marriage preparation program. Occasionally, attending a marriage preparation program can make you realize that it isn’t the right time to marry, or that this may not be the right person. That’s okay, because engagement is a time to discern marriage actively and intentionally.

How much income should we have between us to marry?

Many couples, especially younger ones, start their married lives together without a large income, and possibly with debt. This can be a challenge, but it shouldn’t necessarily delay marriage. There’s no magic number when it comes to the income and financial assets a couple should have before marrying, and bride and groom promise to be faithful “for richer” or “for poorer.” At the same time, it’s important to realize that financial hardship can cause conflict in a marriage, and to talk with each other about your plan for meeting your basic needs. Don’t be afraid to seek wise counsel if you’re not sure how you’ll make ends meet.

How much does a typical wedding cost?

Many wedding planners will tell you that the average wedding costs between $20,000-$30,000, but it definitely doesn’t have to! Although the ante has been rising as to what is considered “typical” for a wedding, simplicity can be elegant. Consider asking friends and family for help on your big day, having a smaller wedding if cost is a major concern, or researching inexpensive do-it-yourself alternatives. Don’t let the perceived cost of weddings keep you from saying “I do.” And remember, a wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime.

Second Marriages

The Catholic Church stands for lifelong marriage. Sometimes, however, couples are not able to achieve this ideal. Marriages break apart because of a spouse’s infidelity, addiction, or mental illness.

Sometimes, the couple thought they were mature enough to make a wise decision but were blinded by infatuation or youth. There are many reasons why marriages fail. They are personal and not easy to sort through.

The Church offers a process to help divorced men and women who entered into what they thought was a valid marriage at the time. After examining the evidence, the Church may find that some essential ingredient was missing from the very beginning. This process is called an annulment. When a man or woman receives an annulment, they are free to re-marry in the Catholic Church.

The issues facing couples entering a second marriage are more complex than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Preparation should be more comprehensive. Most dioceses offer specialized programs that include such topics as:

  • Lessons learned from a divorce
  • Ability not to let an idealized memory or loyalty to a deceased spouse block a new marriage
  • Assessment of “baggage” (bad habits, unresolved anger or guilt, self-defeating attitudes) from the previous marriage
  • Blending families, becoming instant step-parents
  • Mixing finances, pre-nuptial agreements to protect inheritances
  • Blending long-standing lifestyles

Contact your local Diocesan Family Life Office using the Find Catholic Marriage Support locator.

For Further Reading:

Getting Married Catholic

The Catholic Church has a long history of helping couples to prepare for marriage. It has learned a great deal that can benefit any couple, regardless of religion.

Because the Catholic Church wants couples to form strong, lasting marriages, couples who wish to marry in the Catholic Church are asked to:

  • Contact and meet with your parish priest as soon as you are engaged.
  • Take at least six months to intensively prepare for your marriage. This goes beyond choosing a date and church, reserving a place for the reception, and picking out dresses. It means using this time to delve more deeply into your relationship and approach this momentous day with prayer and reflection.
  • Attend an approved marriage preparation program. There are many different formats for marriage preparation programs ranging from intensive weekends, to a weekly series, to “in home” mentor couple programs. Check out the most common national programs here. To find what programs are available near you, contact your diocesan family life office. Catholic marriage preparation programs are usually presented by a team of lay married couples and a priest or deacon. They are not restricted to Catholics, but they are always in keeping with Church teaching.
  • Most dioceses ask couples to take a marriage preparation inventory (such as FOCCUS, PMI, or PREPARE). These are not “tests” to determine whether you can get married in the Church, but rather discussion starters to assess what issues you already agree on and what you might need to discuss further.
  • If you are seeking to convalidate your civil marriage (meaning make it a valid Catholic marriage), please visit this page.

Most importantly at the time of your engagement, the Church welcomes you to this sacrament of Marriage in the spirit of Jesus who said:

This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.
No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
(John 15:12-13)

For Further Reading:

Must-Have Conversations

As a dating or engaged couple, conversation probably comes easily. The two of you enjoy talking about just anything. Just about anything that is, except ugly disagreements. This doesn’t change much in marriage except there are more things to disagree about. You can’t run away from prickly conversations – for long. If anything, marriage accentuates the mild differences you have while dating or engaged. They can become serious disagreements once the initial excitement of new love becomes the comfort of secure love.

Before you marry, consider “must have conversations” on these topics:

You’ve probably already talked about most of these topics – at least to some degree. Great! That should confirm your decision to marry.

But don’t avoid topics that might be sensitive. This is the time to face difficult conversations and make sure you are on the same page. You don’t have to agree on everything – just the important things. Use your time of courtship and engagement to explore the serious and controversial issues that are ahead of you. A marriage preparation program will help you to address these issues more thoroughly.

You may come to an impasse on an issue. That doesn’t mean you aren’t meant for each other. It does mean you should pause and study this issue more carefully. Perhaps it’s a sign you need to consult others with experience or expertise in the area.

Pope Benedict Focuses on Marriage and Family in Holy Family’s Home Town

Visiting Nazareth May 14, the city in northern Israel that he called the Holy Family’s “home town,” Pope Benedict accented the key role married couples fulfill today in “the building of a civilization of love.” The pope’s visit to Nazareth coincided with the conclusion of a Year of the Family celebrated by the church in the Holy Land.

During a Mass in Nazareth, the pope encouraged families to recognize their “irreplaceable mission” within society. He explained:

  • The love of a married man and woman “is raised by grace to become a sharing in, and an expression of, the love of Christ and the church.”
  • The family, grounded in the love of a marriage, “is called to be a ‘domestic church,’ a place of faith, of prayer and of loving concern for the true and enduring good of each of its members.”

A glimpse is caught of the family’s essential role “as the first building-block of a well-ordered and welcoming society” when it is realized that “in the family each person, whether the smallest child or the oldest relative, is valued for himself or herself, and not seen simply as a means to some other end,” Pope Benedict observed.

Calling the family a “school of wisdom,” Pope Benedict said it is in the family that people first learn to practice “those virtues which make for authentic happiness and lasting fulfillment.”

In his Nazareth homily, Pope Benedict turned attention briefly to each member of the Holy Family and the contribution to the family each was called to make. When he spoke of Mary, he focused on one of the themes of the Holy Land’s Year of the Family, the dignity and vocation of women in the home, the church and society.

Nazareth, the city of the Annunciation, “reminds us of our need to acknowledge and respect the God-given dignity and proper role of women, as well as their particular charisms and talents,” Pope Benedict said. “Whether as mothers in families, as a vital presence in the work force and the institutions of society, or in the particular vocation of following our Lord by the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty and obedience, women have an indispensable role in creating that ‘human ecology’ which our world and this land so urgently need: a milieu in which children learn to love and to cherish others, to be honest and respectful to all, to practice the virtues of mercy and forgiveness.”

The pope spoke next of Joseph, saying that from his “strong and fatherly example Jesus learned the virtues of a manly piety, fidelity to one’s word, integrity and hard work.” In Joseph, “the carpenter of Nazareth,” Jesus saw that “authority placed at the service of love is infinitely more fruitful than the power which seeks to dominate.” The world today greatly “needs the example, guidance and quiet strength of men like Joseph,” the pope added.

Finally, turning to the youthful Jesus, Pope Benedict said he wanted “to leave a particular thought with the young people” present. Vatican Council II taught that children play a special role in their parents’ growth toward holiness, the pope noted. He said, “In the Holy Family of Nazareth, it was Jesus who taught Mary and Joseph something of the greatness of the love of God his heavenly Father, the ultimate source of all love.”

Pope Benedict also spoke on marriage and the family during a Mass May 10 in Amman, Jordan. In his homily there, as in Nazareth, he accented the dignity of women.

“From the very first pages of the Bible, we see how man and woman, created in the image of God, are meant to complement one another as stewards of God’s gifts and partners in communicating his gift of life, both physical and spiritual, to our world,” the pope said. However, he continued:

“Sadly, this God-given dignity and role of women have not always been sufficiently understood and esteemed. The church, and society as a whole, has come to realize how urgently we need what the late Pope John Paul II called the ‘prophetic charism’ of women as bearers of love, teachers of mercy and artisans of peace, bringing warmth and humanity to a world that all too often judges the value of a person by the cold criteria of usefulness and profit.”

About the author 
David Gibson served for 37 years on the editorial staff at Catholic News Service, where he was the founding and long-time editor of Origins, CNS Documentary Service. David received a bachelor’s degree from St. John’s University in Minnesota and an M.A. in religious education from The Catholic University of America. Married for 38 years, he and his wife have three adult daughters and six grandchildren.

What Kind of Support Do Spouses Need From Each Other?

After two people marry, they are likely to seek a type of support from each other that they did not seek to the same degree before marrying, according to Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.

Molden is finding through his research that married couples place a high premium on their partners’ support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations. Married people need their spouse’s support for fulfilling their responsibilities and meeting their commitments.

Before people marry, they tend to focus much more on supporting each other in goals that are future oriented than on goals related to the security and maintenance of their life together, Molden’s research suggests. But engaged couples may not suspect how strongly they will need each other’s support after they marry not only for reaching goals, but for maintaining the security of their life together.

“People planning to get married should think about not only how their partners support what they hope to achieve but also about how their partners support what they feel obligated to accomplish,” said Molden. He added, “We could end up with both happier marriages and more satisfied people in general.”

Prior to marrying, people turn to each other for support in the emotional ups and downs of life and during times of stress. They also want each other’s support for reaching long-term goals and achieving their dreams. Molden’s work indicates that married people still seek that kind of support from each other but that their well-being demands another kind of support as well.

Molden believes couples planning to wed would do well to discuss the need they will have as a married couple for this type of support, perhaps in a marriage-preparation program.

Many couples “don’t spontaneously think about whether their partner supports their fulfillment of responsibilities and obligations when deciding to marry. So I do think that it is something that perhaps should be more of a focus in premarital counseling,” Molden told this Web site.

For example, Molden said, if two people were asked individually “to describe what they felt their primary responsibilities were — both inside and outside of the relationship — and then whether they feel their partner supports them in accomplishing those responsibilities, this would provide an idea of whether that type of support is there. If it were lacking, couples could be encouraged to think about what their partner could do to improve support in this area.”

Before marrying, “couples could be encouraged to think about whether their partner is someone who will not only be on board with the long-term hopes and aspirations they have set for themselves, but who will also appreciate and assist in the more immediate responsibilities they believe they must manage from day to day,” he said.

Molden was the lead researcher in a study to be published in the July issue of Psychological Science. Northwestern University released the study’s major findings April 22. The research suggests that when marriages end in divorce, a key reason could be that the kind of support the spouses need from each other is not present in their marriage.

About the author 
David Gibson served for 37 years on the editorial staff at Catholic News Service, where he was the founding and long-time editor of Origins, CNS Documentary Service. David received a bachelor’s degree from St. John’s University in Minnesota and an M.A. in religious education from The Catholic University of America. Married for 38 years, he and his wife have three adult daughters and six grandchildren.

Another Vocation Crisis for the Catholic Community: Marriage

“Marriage is indeed a vocation, and it is at the crisis point in too many homes,” said Archbishop John Vlazny of Portland, Ore. Thus, the Catholic community today not only confronts a crisis of vocations to the priesthood and consecrated life, but a marriage vocation crisis as well, the archbishop noted in a recent column.

Archbishop Vlazny cited a recent article on the marriage vocation crisis by Bishop Earl Boyea of Lansing, Mich. “We have a vocation crisis in America. This is not what you think. It is a vocation crisis in marriage,” Bishop Boyea wrote in the December 2008 edition of Faith magazine. He added:

“Many are no longer getting married — and too many do not see their marriage as a sacrament, a means of grace for themselves and their families. Yet marriage and family are the natural heart of our society and the spiritual core of our church.”

Archbishop Vlazny said that “successful marriages don’t just happen.” Instead, he wrote, they require “lots of care, attention and hard work.” The archbishop’s column appeared in the Feb. 12, 2009, edition of the Catholic Sentinel, newspaper of the Portland Archdiocese.

“Today’s culture demands a quick fix for every problem,” said Archbishop Vlazny. He wrote, “With approximately half the marriages in the United States ending in divorce, the indicators signal that couples nowadays have little stomach for ‘toughing things out’ and working through their misunderstandings and grievances.”

The archbishop said an important question for married couples is, “What have you done for your marriage today?” Successful marriage, he continued, “simply doesn’t work on automatic pilot.” The archbishop pointed out the resources available on this Web site, dev19.foryourmarriage.org.

Given all the challenges involved in “maintaining a loving relationship and growing into a mature marriage, a little expert advice may help,” Archbishop Vlazny said. He called it “rather naive” to think that newlyweds “can simply go it alone.”

While acknowledging that “some of the demands and sacrifices that eventually creep into a person’s life in living out a serious commitment like the one embraced in marriage are hard,” the archbishop said they also are often “the source of life’s greatest blessings and satisfaction.”

Some matters “are more important than others in making a marriage work,” the archbishop wrote. He cited:

  • Communication: “Skills such as active listening, paying attention to feelings and learning tips for ‘fighting fair’ ease the burden.”
  • Commitment and common values: “Commitment helps us overcome those moments when we are tired, annoyed or angry with each other.”
  • Shared values: “Sharing basic values such as children, honesty, fidelity and putting family before work go a long way.”
  • Spirituality: “Last but not least, spirituality helps couples seek the deeper meaning of life, one not focused simply on pleasure, but the common good.”

Seldom do marriages “die overnight,” Archbishop Vlazny wrote. Rather, “they tend to fade away because people have not attended to one another, allowed things to slide and naively presumed that bumps on the road would not unsettle their journey together.”

A marriage that lasts means “never taking anything for granted and making sure each partner regularly and faithfully takes steps to support and strengthen the bonds of love and fidelity,” said Archbishop Vlazny.

About the author 
David Gibson served for 37 years on the editorial staff at Catholic News Service, where he was the founding and long-time editor of Origins, CNS Documentary Service. David received a bachelor’s degree from St. John’s University in Minnesota and an M.A. in religious education from The Catholic University of America. Married for 38 years, he and his wife have three adult daughters and six grandchildren.