Category Archives: Default

Premarital Inventories

Readiness for marriage cannot be scientifically measured, but an inventory helps engaged couples to make sure that they have discussed the most important issues. These are NOT tests, but rather instruments that prompt discussion on sometimes sensitive issues.

FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding, and Study) and ReFoccus (for couples entering a second marriage)
402-551-9003

FACET is a tool for assessing the relationship of a couple planning to be married. It helps the couple find topics they have not discussed, and, with the encouragement of a facilitator, it enables them to have positive, productive conversations. For more information call 207-775-4757, or e-mail: contact@facetsite.com.

Intercommunications Publishing, Inc.
PMI (Premarital Inventory), RMI (Remarital Inventory), VMI (Validating Marriage Inventory), IMI (Intermarriage Inventory) – Marriage inventories to prepare couples for every marriage situation
800-999-0680

PREPARE/ENRICH starts with an online inventory that customizes content to the unique relationship stage (dating, engaged, married) and structure (cohabiting, second marriage, etc.). Facilitators offer feedback and teach relationship skills. Catholic, interfaith, Spanish versions available.
800-331-1661

Relate Inventory
Online survey developed by the Marriage Study Consortium at BYU

Fully Engaged
A Catholic catechetical pre-marriage inventory that carries a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur. This inventory also uses a catechetical workbook for engaged couples, facilitator’s guide, free training DVD, and follow-up e-mails for the first year. Call 800-624-9019 to order a preview kit.

To Trust Again Inventory (Remarriage)
(800) 397-2282

Remarrying Well with Children

The Situation

Sam (45) and Sally (37) have been married for 2-1/2 years. It’s a second marriage for both. Sam was married at 20. He divorced at 35 and obtained an annulment. Sam has done co-parenting with his ex-wife for a number of years. Sam brings two children from his first marriage, ages 14 and 12.

Sally was widowed for three years prior to her marriage to Sam. She has a 10-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son from her first marriage. While the initial phase of dating, courtship, engagement, and early marriage went well, there is a lot of competition among the children today. Sam and Sally often feel frustrated with the behavior of their respective children. This has caused tension between the couple and resentment towards the children. They both want this marriage to work well.

A Response

Keep talking. Besides the beauty both Sam and Sally find in each other, there are many gifts and challenges that need to be acknowledged. They need to keep talking about the gift of each member to the family. They shouldn’t minimize the challenges, but always preface what is said by, “I say this because I love you.” Sam and Sally need to recognize that the challenges they face are normal and developmental. They are hurdles that all stepfamilies face. This reality: “We are going through tough times, but it’s normal,” can be consoling.

Read a lot. The Internet offers sites that provide simple, clear articles on stepfamilies. A great source is the National Stepfamily Resource Center. The local library and the State Cooperative Extension Service are useful resources. Ohio State University’s site has helpful handouts.

Take time to be a couple. Given their ages, Sam and Sally have the possibility of a 35-year marriage, of which only 10 to 15 years will be spent in active parenting. Nurturing their relationship is important, even if these “dates” are time at a diner over coffee and pie. Regularly scheduling this time as a couple also sends a message to the children. Sally and Sam can also commit to going to marriage enrichment programs offered in their parish or community. They are a married couple first and also parents.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Seeking help from a competent marriage and family therapist can be very beneficial. It is a sign of great love to suggest this help early, rather than when in the middle of a crisis. The therapist should be familiar with stepfamily issues. The local parish priest, diocesan Catholic Charities office and the National Registry for Marriage Friendly Therapists can recommend marriage and family therapists. If Sally and Sam are really struggling in their relationship, attending a Retrouvaille weekend and follow-up program would be helpful. Retrouvaille has helped stabilize many marriages. Also, Sam and Sally should talk to other parents in stepfamilies. This will help them normalize their experiences as a family.

Examine priorities. Sally and Sam might need to accept that in their children’s eyes loyalty to their parent might come before the marital relationship. While this is contrary to a couple’s belief that the marriage comes first, children need to feel that they will never be abandoned, especially after major losses. Children need to know that they will always be first in their parents’ concerns. Thus, Sally and Sam need to make sure to acknowledge the importance of their children’s loyalties, even as they nurture their own marriage. Talking this through is essential to a successful remarriage.

Remember that change takes time. Sally and Sam need to accept that in some stepfamilies the experience is like a roller coaster ride. Acknowledging that time can heal one’s hurts and also begin to create loving relationships is essential.

It takes time for a stepchild to love a new stepparent, just as it does for the stepparent to love a new stepchild. Sam and Sally should try to do things individually with each child, when the opportunity arises. This can happen when they drop a child off at band practice or go to the hardware or grocery store. A little time alone with each child goes a long way in cementing relationships. Also, each parent should accept that the missing parent (the mother of Sam’s children and Sally’s deceased husband) are very important to the children. Let them grieve their losses and support them, even though some time has elapsed after the death/divorce. The Rainbows program can be of great assistance to their children.

Trust that God is in the messiness of family life. Sally and Sam need to keep acknowledging to each other and themselves that God is present in the ordinariness of daily life. There is a real gift–grace–given to us in our sacramental marriage. Sally and Sam can pray daily for and with each other. They can recognize everyday victories (a good report card, a soccer game well played), and acknowledge unsettling challenges (an upsetting day at work, a sick child). In all this, Sally and Sam can give thanks to God for the gift of married love and family life.

About the author
Bill Urbine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a permanent deacon and Director of the Office of Family Life Ministries for the Diocese of Allentown, PA. He is past president of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM).

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Starting a Budget 101

A speaker once said that more people buy V-8 juice than drink it. They know it’s good for them, so they buy it, bring it home and leave it in the back of the refrigerator until it is past its expiration date. Their head tells them it’s a good thing, but their emotions go for the hot chocolate, lemonade, or soda.

Budgeting falls into the category of things that are good for you but not necessarily emotionally appealing, like flossing your teeth or exercising. The truth of the matter, though, is that everyone budgets. Drawing up a budget is just making your spending more intentional rather than allowing your whims to determine how you will spend your money or your time. Budgeting is a tool to help you figure out in advance where you want to spend your resources. The problem is that most of us come with lots of baggage about the use of money that makes us scared to look at it in the clear light of day. Thinking about money can cause many of us to feel discouraged and fearful when we consider the failures to handle money well in the past.

The key, though, is that those behaviors were in the past. The present and future are what concern you now, and you have an opportunity to start your financial life anew. As you approach marriage, you have a partner to share the decisions and the work. Just as it’s often easier to exercise with another person, you may find that handling financial decisions is easier when there are two heads working on them. Setting up some dreams for the future, whether it’s plans for children, moving to a new town, or checking off items on a bucket list, might make it easier to work toward them.

You might want to think about what motivates you to do other things that seem hard. If you gave up smoking, what made it possible for you to do that? If you floss, or exercise, or have another daily routine that is good for you, how did you build it into your life? Finding the key to what motivates you is a big part of establishing a budget.

Another important key to managing a budget is talking with each other about money and about your priorities so that you are on the same page. Facing the fact that one of you considers buying furniture a priority while the other thinks a vacation is just what you both need right now can be wearisome, but these opinions won’t go away just because you don’t talk about them. They’ll pop up eventually and affect your relationship.

Author Jason Kelly offers one tip that is helpful in trying to change any bad habit: Don’t try to get rid of bad spending habits all at once. At first, just cut back. Are there any monthly subscriptions to magazines, technologies, or other deliveries that you no longer use? Take an inventory and unsubscribe. If you were used to renting ten movies a month, cut back to eight. If you ate out five times a week last month, try to make it four or three this month. Every step we make will bring us closer to our goal. If we try to leap there, we’re almost sure to fall short and get discouraged.

Love isn’t always expressed in hearts and flowers. Sometimes it is reflected in the hard work you do with each other to create a budget, So haul out the credit card debts, the student loan payments, old doctor bills and any other leftover debts from the past, and look at your finances without criticism or sarcasm. Laying all your cards on the table will be the foundation for your new life of sharing your finances and making decisions together.

Related books:

Related articles:

The Lunch Box Legacy

We bring to marriage many conscious and unconscious influences from our family of origin and follow what we saw or react against it. We often think, “I’ll never repeat what I experienced as a child,” and then find ourselves doing or saying those very things.

This is a generational story about lunch boxes. My daughter, Carole, wanted a new lunch box for first grade. To save money, I spray painted the old one, much to her dismay. Unknown to me, while walking home from school, she’d toss her box along the road hoping the damage would get her a new lunch box. Carole now has a first grade daughter, Amy, who wants a new lunch box. Amy was told that she could make-do with the old one for another year. On reflection, I remembered disliking my workman’s lunch box in first grade. I wanted to carry a brown bag like my friends. Three generations of first grade girls in our family have had unpleasant lunch box experiences.

I questioned my parents, the fourth generation, about their lunch box experiences. Dad wanted a “lunch bucket” like his classmates but went home for lunch each day. Mom carried a disliked “brown bag” on the days she stayed at school for lunch. Both had reacted against their experience by providing me with the workman’s lunch box, and Carole and I had followed our legacy by not giving our daughters any choice. Amy did get a new lunch box with her Dad’s intervention.

Instead of “lunch box” the issue could be alcohol abuse, communication patterns, conflict resolution, finances, forgiveness, etc. The legacies unconsciously handed down from our families are part of each of us. We emotionally follow what we saw happening, such as making a lunch box decision without honoring a child’s request. Or we might go to the opposite extreme and try to remedy a childhood experience by giving our own child everything we missed. Either way our family of origin is influencing our decision.

With intentional effort the patterns we learned in our family of origin that are destructive or inappropriate can be changed or modified for more satisfying and loving interactions. It is a process that continues throughout the lives of the spouses.

About the author 
Anne H. Funkhouser, M.Ed., CFLE is the Co-Director of Marriage & Family at St. Augustine Church in Gainesville, Florida.

Family of Origin Exercise

In my family of origin…

Affection was:

A. Shown warmly and often

B. Rarely shown in public

C. Other __________________________

My home was usually:

A. Neat and clean

B. Comfortably cluttered

C. Other __________________________

Decision making was done by:

A. Father

B. Mother

C. Both parents in consultation

D. Everyone in the home (including the kids)

E. Default (Nobody seemed to make decisions. Life just happened.)

F. Other _____________________________

When my parents disagreed or fought:

A. They yelled and screamed

B. One usually gave in to the other

C. They compromised

D. They separated to cool off

E. One or both used the “silent treatment”

F. I wouldn’t know. They never fought in front of me.

G. Other ____________________________

Responsibility for keeping the home picked up belonged to:

A. Everyone picked up after themselves

B. Mother or father picked up after the kids

C. I never noticed. It was never an issue.

D. Nobody picked up. (It was pretty messy.)

Privacy was:

A. Respected

B. A sign of secretiveness and selfishness

Money was:

A. Saved for a rainy day

B. Spent only on necessities

C. We were always in debt

D. Used freely for recreational pursuits

E. Other ______________________________

Relationships were:

A. Close. We had many times of fun together.

B. Cordial, but each person primarily recreated by themselves

C. Strained

D. Other ______________________________

Household chores were divided according to:

A. “Women’s work” or “Men’s work”

B. Who had the most time or skill at the chore

C. Both parents took equal responsibility

D. Other ________________________________________

On Sunday or religious holy days we would:

A. Go to religious services together

B. One parent would attend services, the other stayed home.

C. Neither parent was involved in an organized religion.

D. Other _________________________________________

On Christmas, we:

A. Put a tree up and decorated early

B. Christmas Eve was the big celebration when we opened presents

C. Santa Claus decorated the tree when the kids were asleep and we opened gifts Christmas morning.

D. We’re non-Christian and don’t celebrate Christmas

E. Other _______________________________

 

Exchange answers with your fiancé(e). Which experience of your fiancé(e) is most different from yours? Discuss what impact this might have on your future marriage.

7 Reasons Not to Marry

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. Following is a list of danger signs. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

1. Marrying to get out of the house.

This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Other options exist to get away from a troubled home. A counselor can help you find them.

2. No one better will ask me to marry him/her.

This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true self. Postponing or canceling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counseling can help, too.

3. It’s just time to get married.

Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person.

4. Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner.

Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don’t be fooled by your partner’s promise to stop.

5. You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include:

  • One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries.
  • Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind.
  • You can’t have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.
  • You become careless with important relationships.
  • You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs – not with you!

6. You and your partner have major items which you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship.

For example: children, money management, division of responsibility for home and children, whether to keep both careers, religious identity of children in an interfaith marriage.

You need to talk about all important issues openly before marriage. The wedding ceremony itself will not eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements. Consider enlisting the help of a priest, minister, or counselor if these issues seem too threatening to handle alone.

7. Marriage just seems like the next logical step.

This sometimes happens to couples who are living together. They slide into marriage not because they have fully explored the idea of a permanent commitment and freely choose that for themselves, but because getting married is the next thing to do. Or they slide into marriage to fix a relationship that is limping along, thinking that having their families’ or church’s stamp of approval will fix their relationship. If this describes your relationship, slow down and look more carefully at what marriage is. Are you ready, willing, and able to fulfill its responsibilities?

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown.

When Teens Know One Parent Will Say Yes

The Situation

We have been happily married for fifteen years and believe we have handled most of our parenting well, but now our fourteen year old daughter’s drive for independence often causes us to argue. When she wants to go to a party or to the mall with her friends, my husband and I react differently, in ways that surprise both of us.

Usually, she goes to my husband first for permission, because he is more likely to let her go and not ask for details. When I find out, I end up being the bad guy because I insist on knowing who she is meeting or calling the parents who are hosting the party. If I say she can’t go, she throws a fit, and sometimes my husband overrules me, right there in front of her, saying we need to trust her. I think he doesn’t want to see her disappointed, but then I am angry at him and worried all evening. I’m afraid my husband and I are hurting our relationship, not to mention setting a bad example for our daughter. What can we do to keep our marriage together when our daughter stresses us out?

A Response

All parents face the tough job of striking a balance between balancing privileges and safety. When one parent is more protective than the other, tends to think more vividly about the dangers that are out there, or is more prone to worry in general, a teen is likely to notice the cracks in the parental unit and drift toward the parent most likely to allow freedoms. To minimize the strong emotions and conflicts that tend to happen in the throes of decision-making, consider the steps below.

  • Set aside time to talk to your spouse about your mutual commitment to your marriage and to the job of parenting. Name the thoughts you have when your daughter makes requests (e.g., “I just want her to have fun,” “She’ll hate me if I say no” or “I just know there will be alcohol at that party”), and talk about ways to relieve that concern. Remind yourselves that your daughter and your relationship will benefit if you can present a united front about your household rules.
  • Consider your teen’s developmental level. Early adolescence is a period of insecurity for many teens. They want to be part of the group that seems to have it together and also feel fairly invincible as far as the dangers that are out there. Take time to ask what your teen is thinking, hoping and dreaming. Ask how she can participate at some level without endangering herself or causing you excessive worry (Face it: you’re always going to worry a little).
  • Decide ahead of time the basic permissions you are both comfortable with in a given scenario and promise each other that you will present decisions as a team. Let your daughter know the basic rules about parties or going out. When she surprises you with a new request, tell her, “I’ll talk with your mother/father about this and we’ll get back to you with our answer.” Then hold a private discussion with each other.
  • Work out ways to back each other up. One way to show your support for each other is to have the stricter parent go first – the one who is more likely to say “no” to a situation – and plan that the other parent will agree saying, “Your mother (or father) said, ‘no,’ and I agree.” If your daughter poses a reasonable argument, tell her you will take her statements back to the other parent for consideration. Again have a private parental discussion. If the information prompts a change of heart, allow the stricter parent to be the one to give the good news, to help balance the permission granting. Finally, agree that you will both watch for disrespectful behavior from the daughter and back each other up about that, too, e.g., “It’s not okay to talk to your father/mother that way, and here is the consequence…” Talk about hypothetical situations. This may reassure you that your teen can make good decisions in difficult situations. For example, during dinner, casually bring up scenarios you have read about in the news or heard about from friends – don’t mention names. Ask your daughter what she might do if faced such a situation. If she gives a reasonable answer, let her know you are pleased with her thinking and add any suggestions you might have. If she gives a less than satisfactory response, suggest a few things that could happen as a result and ask what she might do instead. It also can be interesting to ask your daughter what she thinks about the complete lack of rules some parents seem to have. Often, teens will admit they view overly permissive parents as not really caring about their children.
  • Building trust and character take time. Let your teen know that the more she shows herself to be trustworthy, the more trust you will give. Yes, you want her to have fun, but you also love her and thus, her safety is your top concern. Parents sometimes have tough decisions to make, but sticking by your rules, even in the face of a child’s unhappiness, is showing your love. Not bending to pressure from others when things don’t seem safe is a skill you hope she also will exercise as she ventures out in the world on her own.

Finally, if necessary, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. It is a sign of love, not weakness to seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help all family members voice their concerns, reframe the conflict as one borne in love and possibly fear, and move toward solutions that will work for everyone.

About the author
Dr. Madison is a clinical psychologist, author and director of FOCCUS, Inc. USA. She speaks internationally on topics related to children, marriage and families.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Overcoming Obstacles

Over the years a couple can expect to face many issues, both big and small. Some, such as financial, career, and parenting decisions, can be handled by honestly discussing them with each other or with friends who can provide wise advice. Others, such as infidelity or addictions, need the counsel of professionals and a tremendous amount of commitment to change. Still others, such as illness, may have to be endured patiently with the support of family and friends.

We all want to live happily ever after. Inevitably, though, we all experience bumps along the marriage road.

Some bumps come from within the marriage. We may start to think our love wasn’t real, or that we’ve fallen out of love. We may even want to give up. Most couples go through a disillusionment phase. Preventive maintenance can minimize the damage. This means taking time to nurture the relationship, and perhaps attending an enrichment program or two.

Then there are the bumps that come from outside the marriage. For some couples, that means dealing with the heartbreak of miscarriage. A growing number of couples face the challenge of caring for aging parents.

Whether the difficulties arise from inside or outside marriage, many couples can benefit from counseling. Find out when to seek counseling, how to find a counselor, and what to expect from the process.

Domestic violence is the one deal breaker. It is never part of the normal ups and downs of marriage. Safety for the victim and children must be the top priority.

For Further Reading:

Virtue of the Month

Listening to many couples reflect on their marriage, I’ve been struck by how many speak of their sense of helping each other to heaven. They instinctively grasp St. Paul’s call to “a still more excellent way” in which their married love, which is God’s power alive within them, leads them to heaven.

As Christians, we understand this call to growth as a call to a holy, or virtuous, marriage. “Virtue” may sound like an old-fashioned word, but it lies at the heart of spirituality. A virtue is a stable part of one’s character that allows a person to perform good acts and to give his or her best (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1803).

Couples, like individuals, acquire virtues through the repetition of particular practices and behaviors. They make the virtue their own by freely choosing to act in certain ways, every day. The question posed in For Your Marriage‘s past radio and TV spots, “What have you done for your marriage today?” is really an invitation to grow in virtue through a gentle word, a generous deed or an act of self-sacrifice.

No one brings all the necessary virtues into a marriage, and the virtues that spouses do bring need to be developed. So marriage is a “school for virtue,” in which spouses learn such virtues as forgiveness, kindness, and humility. It’s the work of a lifetime.

A holy marriage, one that is a communion of persons and a sign of God’s love, is made up of many virtues. In this series, we’ll look at several virtues that characterize a holy and happy marriage. Each article will consider how the virtue can be practiced in marriage and offer one or two questions for reflection. I hope that couples will be able to set aside time each month to read and prayerfully discuss these articles.

Love, of course, is the more excellent way that includes all the virtues. As a couple grows in virtue, they also grow in love. Hand in hand they walk the journey to holiness. I pray that you may persevere in this journey, knowing the love of God, the encouragement of the Church, and the support of the many couples who are walking this journey with you.

“Just” Friends by Paul Leingang

Try a Little Kindness by Dan Mulhall

Gratitude: Foundational for Marriage by Dolores R. Leckey

Patience: Key to a Lasting Marriage

Play: A Virtue to Take Seriously by Donald J. Paglia

Humility: Foundation for Marital Happiness by Tim Lanigan

Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage by Kathy Heskin

Perseverance: Love Never Ends by Mary Jo Pedersen

I Promise to be True to You by Mary Ann Paulukonis

The Courage to be Married by Tom McGrath

Grade Your Marriage

Marriage is not a test that you either pass or fail. It’s an ongoing process of learning about each other and how to accommodate differences so that both of you can feel satisfied and grow in love for each other.

Marriage is also not a competition in which one person wins at the expense of the other. If both spouses are not happy with a decision, then the marriage suffers since one person’s happiness cannot be at the expense of the other’s.

In this spirit, we invite you to assess where you are in your marriage.

  • Identify the issues that you agree on and are working smoothly for you.
  • Identify the issues that you disagree on and need to work out a compromise.
  • Identify the issues that you haven’t gotten around to talking about – but you should.

All this can add up to a blueprint for deepening your marriage and helping you reach your full marriage potential. The following categories can get you started:

On a scale of 1 – 10 rate your satisfaction with your marriage in the areas of:

1. Shared Values _____

2. Commitment to each other _____

3. Communication Skills _____

4. Conflict Resolution Skills _____

5. Intimacy/Sexuality _____

6. Spirituality/Faith _____

7. Money Management _____

8. Appreciation/Affection _____

9. Lifestyle _____

10. Recreation _____

11. Decision Making _____

12. Parenthood _____

13. Household chores / gender differences _____

14. Careers _____

15. Balancing Time_____

TOTAL: _____

Since this isn’t a test, but rather a map for you to use for further discussion, your total is not based on 100%. If your self-ratings on a specific topic are:

8-10: You are quite happy with this aspect of your marriage. This could be because you are generally an optimistic person and easy going, or you’ve been very intentional about working on your marriage.

4-7: You are sliding along in your marriage, perhaps not paying much attention to it or avoiding areas of conflict. It’s also possible that you have high expectations and are not an easy grader.

1-3: You are pretty dissatisfied with this aspect of your marriage. Check out the other areas of this website that address this topic.

Another way of assessing whether you need to pay more attention to certain areas of your marriage is by comparing answers with your spouse. If your ratings on any given topic differ by more than three points, you’ll want to discuss why.

Finally, if both you and your spouse have total scores of:

100 + Give yourself an A – but don’t get proud or complacent.

75-99 Give yourself a B – you’re in good shape and can pinpoint those areas you’ll want to discuss further.

50-74 Give yourself a C – You may have much to discuss or one of you may be more dissatisfied than the other. Check it out.

15-49 Looks like trouble. The fact that you are visiting this website and have filled out this self-assessment, however, is a good sign. You haven’t given up; you want to make your marriage better. Now get to work on it. See a counselor or attend a program offered by Retrouvaille or The Third Option for help.