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The Family in Service of Life: An Adoption Story

Early married years

We were married on June 7, 1997. Three months later, we moved into our first home, an 1800 square foot historic house in Staunton, Virginia, a city of about 25,000 located in the heart of the Shenandoah Valley. It had four bedrooms – perfect for our plans of beginning a family. Rob was working as a youth minister and part-time high school teacher and Robin was the second grade teacher in the same Catholic school as Rob. In arranging our house, we thought that it was important to keep one room set aside as a perpetual guest room, open to receive whomever Our Lord might send to us. We felt that this was a room that should be preserved as such even when we began having our own children. Little did we know how abundant God’s plans would be.

After three years of marriage, it became clear to us that we were not able to have children. Several doctors could not find any obvious biological problems. We saw fertility specialists who finally said that the only hope for conception was in vitro fertilization – an option we were not willing to consider. We wanted the gift of children, but we did not want to manipulate and attempt to force a gift that Our Lord was not going to give us willingly.

Three children in a row

Then came the rush. Some friends of ours were on the board of the local foster unit of the Department of Social Services (DSS). They had a five-month old baby boy in their care who would eventually be free for adoption, once the parental rights had been terminated. But before they asked if we were willing to take in the baby, they warned us: the previous two families who were offered this child turned him down because of the extensive intestinal and brain damage he had suffered as a result of his birth mother’s illegal drug use. They thought he would likely not talk, not walk, and may eventually end up institutionalized. On April 21, 2000, Christopher was brought to our home. We never looked back.

In late June, we were approached again. This time, there were two little girls, five years old and nine months old. Would we be willing to accept them as likely adoptive children? Of course! So on July 8, less than three months after Christopher came to us, we were joined by Lisa and Lorianne. Our permanent guest rooms were now full, and we began to look for a larger home. In the meantime, Rob moved to a full-time teacher position at the school and Robin took a year off, providing after school care in our home as she began the all-important role of being mother to our three new children.

Another baby in need of a family

We did eventually move around the corner to an old Victorian house, giving us more space. For two years we continued raising our awesome children and doing our best to form them in the ways of the Church. In July of 2002, DSS called again. This time, they had an eleven-month old baby, the youngest of three who were removed from their family. They were expecting that after 3-4 months, the children would be placed back with their birth parents, once things had settled down. Samantha came to us unable to crawl, speak, make facial expressions, hold herself up, or even reach for things. Her initial doctor visit suggested that she might be paralyzed from the waist down, since she did not respond to any stimuli there. Her two other sisters, Shelby and Sabrina, were placed with another foster family. DSS did not want to place all three with us because they were concerned about the level of care that Samantha would require. All three girls had spent their days locked in a storage facility while their parents went to work. They were fed apple juice and Twinkies. Samantha just had apple juice and had lost weight since her eight-month checkup. We could see her bones, she was so thin.

Two more makes six

The next two years brought with them quite a trial. It was during that time that Christopher’s birth parents’ parental rights were terminated through a series of lengthy court hearings. Likewise, the legal process for Lisa and Lorianne came to a close. This allowed us to have the three kids baptized. Up until that time, we were not the permanent parents of them. Therefore, we could not reasonably promise (as is required at an infant baptism) to raise the children Catholic. Only after the adoption was finalized, were there no longer any obstacles to the responsibilities of Baptism. During these two years, it also became more and more evident that Samantha’s birth parents were not able to care for their children. The goal changed from returning the girls to their biological parents to moving them to a permanent placement. That permanent placement was with us. In the summer of 2004, then, our family welcomed Shelby and Sabrina, bringing us to a total of six children. Two years later, feeling a call to move to Robin’s hometown and wanting to start over as a forever family, we moved to Omaha, Nebraska. As we write this article, Lisa (18) is a freshman in college. Lorianne (14), Shelby (13), and Sabrina (12) attend a Catholic school here in Omaha. Christopher (13) and Samantha (11) attend a Catholic special needs school in town. Rob is actually the principal of this school, and Robin works for the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Omaha.

Lessons from adoption: difficulties and blessings

Along the way, we have had some trials and some great joys. One question we decided to settle very early on was about communicating the facts of their adoption to our children. From the time they entered our home, they knew that we were their “forever parents” (adoptive parents) and they came from their birth parents. We worked hard to make it clear that their birth parents loved them, but were not able to care for them. We taught them that God brings tremendous good out of bad situations, and that is how we became a family: a family that God put together from painful situations, a family called to bring healing and joy to one another and everyone we meet. As the kids would age, we disclosed more and more information about their previous situations to the extent that they could understand. About twice a year we do Google searches for their birth parents. Twice, these searches revealed deaths: Christopher’s birth mother had committed suicide in an overdose, and Samantha, Sabrina, and Shelby’s birth mother had died of an illness. We told our children and worked through the grief and conflicting emotions with them. We have remained very open about their respective situations. At first, we had a fear that if we told our children too much, perhaps they would want their birth parents instead of us. This fear faded over the years, as the love and trust in our family deepened.

The difficulties that come from adopting out of foster care are certainly present. When children are ripped from their birth parents (even if the birth parents are not doing their job well), they are hurt in the process. There is no doubt about it. That pain enters into the adoptive family, and God is calling on the new family to be the method of healing. For us, this meant helping our children deal with permanent brain damage, severe learning difficulties, epilepsy, attachment issues, major depression, and even suicide attempts. If you would have asked us back in 1997 if were ready for all that, we would have said, “No way!” But Our Lord provided the grace, the people to help, and the love to bring healing not only to our children, but to us as a couple as well.

The joys of adopting, however, far outweigh any difficulties. These joys are no different, perhaps, than any other family who gave birth to their children. We will say, though, that our children, maybe because of their origin and adoptions, have a tremendous heart for anyone who is downtrodden, suffering, or poor in any way. They are very quick to reach out and want to help those in need – those who stand in the same position they once stood. Seeing this is for us one of the greatest joys of adopting: our own children seeking to show the generosity that they were shown.

The family is called to serve life

In his apostolic exhortation Familiaris Consortio (The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World), Bl. Pope John Paul II named “serving life” as the second of four tasks of the family. God did not give the Lairds the ability to serve life through procreation and birth. Instead, He gave us the gift of serving the lives of those children He placed before us, and we are ever grateful for this gift. It has created our family and has transformed us as persons.

For families considering adoption, we have this to say: If Our Lord places the desire in your hearts, then go for it! All the difficulties begin to fade away when your brain damaged son throws a touchdown pass in the Special Olympics, or your daughters give money for less fortunate classmates to buy snacks after school, or your oldest daughter seeks a profession to help those who struggle to overcome the difficulties she once faced. Our family is not perfect, far from it. But in the end, the family that God put together has helped each of us follow Him more closely. And isn’t that the mission of the family?

About the authors
Rob and Robin Laird, pictured above with their children, were married on June 7, 1997. Rob is the Principal of Madonna School, a Catholic school serving students with special needs, and Robin is the Coordinator of Marriage and Family Ministries for the Archdiocese of Omaha. They currently reside in Omaha, Nebraska with their six children, Lisa, Lorianne, Christopher, Shelby, Sabrina, and Samantha.

Loving – And Liking – Your Spouse

“I love my husband, but I don’t like him.” That’s a comment I often hear in my couples mediation practice and as a facilitator at a Fight Less, Love More couples course. Over the years, I discovered something interesting: Many people are kinder to strangers than they are to their spouses.

The “liking” feeling often diminishes as everyday job stress, parenting decisions, financial woes and child-induced sleep deprivation take over.

When overwhelmed by life, small things may seem like “the last straw,” and you might even wonder if you are married to the right person.

People assume that as an expert I have a perfect marriage. The truth is, I do have a happy marriage and I love my husband, but still, we have our good and bad days that strain the liking feeling. Conflict is normal for all couples, but how we choose to respond to it will either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

Here’s a revealing personal story:

One day, my husband told me he’d be home from work earlier than usual.

I put his early arrival time into my afternoon schedule so my then-2-year-old son and I would be home to greet him, and enjoy some playful “Daddy time.” When my husband’s designated arrival time passed, each additional minute pushed me into a worsening mood. At 50 minutes past his planned arrival, I was furious. Why wasn’t he here? Why wasn’t he answering his cell phone?

My husband showed up more than an hour after I expected him, displaying a freshly trimmed head of hair, smiling and acting like nothing had happened.

“So you got a haircut?” I asked.

“Yes, I had time today, so I figured, why not?”

That was it. I ripped into what seemed to me to be his thoughtless selfish behavior and the fight began.

But minutes later, reality hit. In our pre-child days, I would have been more understanding and explained how I felt about his late arrival. Now, with my energy drained, I acted as if his haircut was akin to finding out he cheated on me with his hairdresser.

Our Best Selves

We are our best selves early in our relationship. We show each other empathy, respect and patience. As time passes, we come to expect those things from our spouse, but we tend to extend them less and less. Use of the words “thank you” and “please” become sparse, replaced by words like “You have to…” and “Why didn’t you…”, which are set-up comments for a fight. So what can a person say to prevent such unnecessary battles?

The answer is to stop and ask yourself one question when you feel dissatisfaction and anger erupting: “What do I want my spouse to do differently next time?” In my situation, I wanted my husband to call me in advance to tell me that his plans had changed.

As soon as I realized my short-tempered mistake, I apologized, explained that I got angry because I value our time together and had planned around his early arrival, and most importantly, I asked for what I wanted (advance notice). Interestingly, my husband was flattered to learn that I was looking forward to his coming home early. Our five-minute conversation ended with the agreement that if his plans changed, he would call immediately. So my advice for couples who want to love-and-like their mate for a lifetime is: Don’t focus on the problem. Do focus on the solution to prevent it from recurring. A little wisdom makes a big difference.

About the Author
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-trained lawyer, couples mediator, relationship communication expert and bestselling author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. She has partnered with Family Dynamics Institute to develop the Fight Less, Love More Course now offered throughout the United States and recommended as a resource for married couples on the USCCB website For Your Marriage. Click here for course information. Find Laurie online at fightlesslovemore.com.

Married Couples and the Challenge of Military Service

You are about to enter a union which is most sacred and serious, an image of Christ and the Church.” Generations of couples heard those words of the Exhortation Before Marriage found in the ritual for the Sacrament of Marriage as celebrated before the Second Vatican Council. Indeed, from the very beginning, Almighty God endowed the union between man and woman with a mission and blessed their commitment to each other. The Lord Jesus Christ raised that union to a sacrament and entrusted to Christian married couples the duty to mirror the love of Christ for his Church.

The calling to the Sacrament of Matrimony is so noble, yet it is currently challenged on many fronts, especially for military families in this time of war, deployment, and suffering. The active-duty chaplains who serve our men and women in uniform and those who minister in the hospitals of the Veterans Health Administration will confirm that one of the most serious by-products of the wars in the Middle East are the burdens placed on families. These burdens are a price that we will pay for generations to come. The weakening of matrimony and family life that results ultimately weakens our society and jeopardizes our future.

Post-Traumatic Stress

Certainly, a significant factor causing the pain that a marriage experiences after deployment is post-traumatic stress. Many of those who have served in the war zone suffer from this stress, which is related to traumatic experiences. However, some have speculated that almost everyone who has served in a war zone has suffered or suffers from some degree of post-traumatic stress.

Post-traumatic stress is not a new problem. Since the Civil War, various expressions have been used to describe the changes that affect a member of the military who has seen combat. “Shell-shocked” was the expression used after World War I, and “battle fatigue” was used after World War II.

What are the symptoms? Sufferers might have distressing recollections, nightmares, and flashbacks to events in the war zone. They may have seen comrades violently killed. They may have experienced an explosion at close quarters. They try to keep the event from their minds and at the same time avoid activities that used to bring them pleasure. They can feel detached and unable to love anyone. Sleep may become a challenge, which results in increased irritability, outbursts of anger, and an exaggerated concept of how much vigilance is necessary. It all stems from a lack of trust, because trust has been betrayed. If one or more of these symptoms persist longer than a month or two, then the person is clearly suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

It is not hard to imagine the effects on the sufferer’s family. After having experienced the hardship of separation, they find themselves reunited with a spouse who seems like a stranger to them. Tension can result from the simplest situations of everyday life. Misunderstandings are common. The communion of life, which describes marriage, suffers considerably.

For a variety of reasons, many of those who are afflicted do not seek help. Many might still be on active duty and are therefore reluctant to admit their need. They may fear discharge, which in the current economic situation could easily mean unemployment. Others, no longer on active duty, may worry about possible harm to their post-service career. Many, too, do not realize that they have been changed. They are unaware that something has happened. As is so easily the case, they blame the tension in their marriage on their partner.

Tours of duty in the war zone vary according to service and responsibilities, but no tour is easy for anyone. During my visit to Iraq during Holy Week, I was overwhelmed by the appreciation of those deployed there. I met the men and women who patrol hostile areas, those who care for the wounded, and those who are in positions of command. Their patriotism is obvious, but the weight of the separation from loved ones and the uncertainty of the future cannot fail to increase their burden.

By all accounts the situation in Afghanistan is worse. There, the men and women in uniform are being killed on routine journeys, victims of roadside bombs planted by an invisible enemy. Hundreds of injuries send the combatants home and affect families for the rest of their lives.

Yet back home, life must go on. The children must be educated, the family must be cared for, and decisions must be made. It is true that electronic communication is much better than ever before. The Internet allows frequent contacts. Many military installations have systems in place that allow parents to read to their children on a DVD that is then transmitted home, and other wonders of modern communication function well. Yet that is never the same as being there. Twenty-nine years of living far from loved ones made that lesson very clear to me.

The Economy and Other Tensions

It is true that the present economic situation does not have a direct effect on the military, in the sense that military personnel are not being let go. They experience no problems with unemployment themselves. However, they do experience all the other effects of an economic downturn. Spouses who work in the private sector may well have lost jobs. Frequent moves make spouses’ employment opportunities more precarious. Many enlisted personnel come from more challenged economic situations. They may be supporting many others, including extended family. That responsibility makes their limited incomes a greater hardship when the demands increase.

Deployment also means that a spouse becomes a single parent with all of the challenges that situation entails. The possibility that the condition may become permanent in the case of death in the line of duty also adds to the tension already present in the individual in the military, his or her spouse, and the family.

These tensions cannot fail to have their effect on the military family. Despite all of the military’s efforts to support family life, to give couples and families time together after deployments, and to recognize the strain provoked by the war, the incidence of divorce in military families is on the rise. Some extreme situations have involved homicide and suicide. In the face of separations and the pain of post-traumatic stress disorder, it is challenging to live the communion of life and love intended and blessed by Almighty God.

Reentry into Society

Certainly all of us, military and civilian, can help by our prayers and by our eagerness to welcome home the military personnel who return home to our cities and neighborhoods. We can also perceive their needs and try to offer some assistance in that complex process of reintegration into the family and society. We all contribute to making favorable the conditions that support matrimony as the sacrament of enduring love.

Could that not also mean “turning down the volume” in our society? One of the most striking changes that I have noticed in returning to the United States after years of residence abroad is the abrasiveness of our discourse. People from all sides of the political spectrum write and speak without any attempt at civility, courtesy, or those virtues that once defined a lady or a gentleman. Being convinced that my belief is correct is not an excuse to shout at my neighbor, call him names, or question his sincerity. If we, as Catholics, can remember to treat everyone with kindness and strive to keep uppermost in our minds the fact that every person is created in the image and likeness of God, we can render the Gospel more accessible to our world.

I am not certain if the violence and the abrasiveness so often seen on the television or heard on the radio reflect the condition of our society or if they are partial sources of it, but it is clear that each one of us can make a difference. Inaction is not a worthy response. A more serene society would also contribute to the returning veteran’s tranquility and ease.

Medical care and rehabilitation are indeed responsibilities of the Armed Forces and the federal government. However, I submit that we, as Catholics, have a duty to make our contribution to the psychological and spiritual rehabilitation of these brave young men and women who have sacrificed so much for their country. It is not even a question of agreeing with or sharing the political views of those who fostered the war. It is simply a question of responding to the moral imperative of the Gospel.

We can make a difference in our parish communities by seeking out returning veterans and trying, as a community, to help them reenter society and the rhythm of life in the United States. They may be strangers to their family. They have lost trust. They have been shaken by the atrocities of war. They need time to refamiliarize themselves with those dearest to them.

Marriage is indeed a union most sacred and serious. It is a wonderful gift to the Church and to society. Like all precious gifts it must be cared for, supported, and sustained.

This material was originally developed as a resource for Catechetical Sunday 2010.

About the document
The document Married Couples and the Challenge of Military Service was developed as a resource by the Committee on Evangelization and Catechesis of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Richard J. Malone, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

For more support for military marriages, please visit For Your Military Marriage.

Married Saint: St. Elizabeth of Hungary

ElizabethofHungary Born: 1207
Died: 1231
Feast Day: November 17
Patronage: Bakers, beggars, brides, charities, dying children, Secular Third Order of Saint Francis

St. Elizabeth of Hungary was born in 1207 to King Andrew II, King of Hungary, and Gertrude of Merania. The daughter of royalty, she was soon arranged to be married to Lugwig IV of Thuringia and was sent for education at the court of the Landgrave of Thuringia. She was four at the time, and Ludwig was eleven.

Two years later, in 1213, Elizabeth’s mother was murdered. Though this was a difficult time in her young life, she turned to prayer and found support in her future mother-in-law, Countess Sophia. Sophia instilled in Elizabeth religious values and deep personal piety.

At age 14, in 1221, Elizabeth and Louis were married. Their marriage was an exceptionally happy union that produced three children. One biographer wrote that Elizabeth “was an extremely warm, affectionate person…From a very early date there was between them a love more intimate than that experienced by many couples who have been married for a long time.”

Louis understood his wife’s piety and placed no obstacles in her way. The two spouses, says the biographer, “were in agreement with respect to the most profound things that can unite human beings, that is, the things of God.” Elizabeth’s acts of charity were already well-known, as she distributed alms throughout the territory and established a hospital near the castle.

After six years of marriage, Elizabeth’s world was shattered when Louis died of the plague en route to the Sixth Crusade. On hearing the news, Elizabeth was reported to have said, “It is to me as if the whole world died today.”

During her brief widowhood, Elizabeth came under the influence of the Franciscans and learned to love voluntary poverty. In 1228 she joined the Third Order of St. Francis, also known as the Secular Franciscan Order, the lay branch of the Franciscan order. St. Francis of Assisi sent her a personal message shortly before his death. In his spirit, Elizabeth gave her dowry proceeds to the poor and ministered with the sick and needy.

She died in 1231 at the age of 24. She was canonized in 1235.

St. Elizabeth of Hungary, pray for us. 

Two Great Feasts: All Saints and All Souls

On the first two days of November each year, the Church commemorates two linked feast days: All Saints (November 1) and All Souls (November 2). All Saints is easy to understand: We remember all those who have lived lives of heroic holiness, whether the Church has canonized them or not. On All Souls, we remember all those who have died, not just the spiritual superstars.

From the earliest days the church has prayed for the deceased. Their judgment is in the hands of God, and we trust in God’s mercy. But we also believe the God cares about us and our concerns, so prayers for our deceased loved ones are appropriate.

The feast day itself is rooted in the second century. In the 10th century, St. Odilo of Cliny established a memorial of all the faithful departed. Rome added the feast to the church’s calendar in the 13th century. In many parts of the world the celebration of this feast day is marked with particular energy, such as el Dia del los Muertos in Mexico.

It’s appropriate to commemorate All Souls Day by praying for those who have gone before us in faith. Some people also visit the graves of their loved ones to pray for them.

The feast of All Souls reminds us of our mortality. We are all finite, mortal creatures. We are all loved by God, who has endowed us with an immortal soul. Our ultimate destiny lies in God’s hands, and even death does not separate us from his love.

Interview with Three Catholics Working To End Domestic Violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. To put a “face” to what can be done to combat domestic violence, For Your Marriage interviewed three Catholics who are working to raise awareness about domestic violence, to help victims and abusers, and ultimately to build a culture of peace where the family is a safe place for men, women, and children.

The three people interviewed are:

  • Sharon O’Brien, PhD, Archdiocese of Washington DC. Sharon is a Family Violence Research Consultant and is also the co-founder of the Catholic lay ministry Catholics for Family Peace.
  • Fr. Chuck W. Dahm, O.P., Archdiocese of Chicago. Fr. Dahm is the director of Domestic Violence Outreach for the Archdiocese of Chicago.
  • Dennis Butler, SPHR (Senior Professional in Human Resources), Diocese of Paterson, NJ. Dennis is the Chief Human Resources and Compliance Officer for the diocese and is also a member of the organizing committee for Catholics for Family Peace.

Please tell our readers about your work as it relates to domestic violence.

Sharon: I am an independent Family Violence Research Consultant. In 2003, I completed my graduate work in Human Development on the topic of family violence. Since then, I have worked on research projects, am a journal reviewer, write and am a speaker and trainer on how faith communities can respond effectively to domestic abuse. Most of my work has been with interfaith or faith specific boards which address the issue. Since 2010, I’ve worked with a group of other Catholics to create the lay ministry Catholics for Family Peace.

Fr. Dahm: I preach in parishes and then develop a ministry committee to raise awareness about domestic violence (DV) and to train staff and parishioners to be sensitive in receiving victims and finding resources to help them.

Dennis: As a Human Resources professional, my work in domestic violence/abuse has focused on recognizing the impact of domestic violence in the workplace. This impact ranges from the very “human” impact on the victims and their co-workers to the more “business” related impact on productivity, safety and medical costs. I have worked to educate business leaders and others to understand that domestic violence is not just a personal matter in which we should not be involved; rather it has a profound impact on our ability to get our jobs done, and everyone needs to see it exists, name it for what it is, and respond appropriately when it occurs.

Working for the Church, this role has expanded to include understanding and educating others about the impact on not just the ministerial workplace but on ministry itself.

How long have you been working with the issue of domestic violence, and what inspired you to work in this field?

Sharon: I’ve been in the field for about 10 years. I had wanted to study the role of forgiveness so I always say that God inspired me to focus on domestic abuse – I would not have thought of it myself! I am inspired to stay in the field by my interfaith colleagues. I want to help create for the Catholic community what some other faith communities have – an entity where clergy and pastoral care workers can seek training and guidance on the topic and where parishioners can get solid information on Catholic teaching about preventing domestic abuse and promoting family peace.

Fr. Dahm: For 17 years. I hired a pastoral counselor who opened my eyes to DV in our parish.

Dennis: I began working in Domestic Violence in 2002 at Liz Claiborne, my former employer. Liz had been involved in DV awareness and education for many years as the focus of their cause marketing program. As the head of employee relations, I faced a situation which I wasn’t sure how to handle. I had received a phone call from one of the other HR professionals seeking help for an employee. She described a woman who was very talented and considered a “rising star” who had just been promoted. She was concerned because recently there had been problems with her work, she was calling out sick a lot, and she was very curt with her co-workers. She had lost a lot of weight (only weighed 77 lbs.!) and had told the HR professional that her husband beats her. My colleague asked me what she should do. Although I had been working in Human Resources for many years, I didn’t know what to tell her.

I then started my own education and awareness efforts as I helped develop and implement a DV program that focused on the impact in the workplace. By the time I left Liz 7 years later, I had managed the workplace response to over 150 DV incidents affecting the workplace ranging from fairly routine performance issues to the murder of one of our employees by the father of her children.

I have continued this work in my position at the Diocese by establishing workplace policies and protocols and establishing a DV response team to address the issues as they occur in the ministerial workplace. I have also continued my efforts to educate others as part of the organizing committee for Catholics for Family Peace, the government agencies and the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence.

What do you wish the average “Catholic in the pew” knew about domestic violence?

Sharon: Oh, so many things! But three primary points:

a. Abuse and violence can and does happen in “good Catholic families”. It is an equal opportunity destroyer across faiths, race, and socioeconomic classes.

b. It is not “Catholic” to be abusive and violent nor is it “Catholic” to accept abuse and violence in the family. Abuse is based on an erroneous set of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors, all of which can be changed.

c. Whether one is the abuser, the abused, or the child witnessing the abuse, I would like them to know that God loves them, does not want them to suffer or cause suffering, and has not abandoned them – they can ask Him specifically for guidance as to the next right step.

Fr. Dahm: It is all around us, much too common and unseen. As the bishops have written, “No one is expected to stay in an abusive marriage.” A husband or wife who is being abused should know that they can physically separate from their spouse for the sake of their safety and their children’s safety.

Dennis: Ideally, every “Catholic in the pew” needs to know three basic things about domestic violence. They need to: RECOGNIZE the signs of domestic violence in themselves and others which can be both physical and psychological; RESPOND appropriately by being supportive, sympathetic and non-judgmental, but not acting as a counselor or rescuer; and REFER them to someone qualified to help them act safely and appropriately by giving them the telephone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or a local domestic violence agency.

What can Catholic families do to help prevent domestic violence, to help those who are in abusive situations, or to help build a culture of peace?

Sharon: It is imperative to know that we may be God’s answer to someone’s search for help! We (Catholics for Family Peace) recommend the R3 approach – recognize, respond, and refer. There is a free app which explains the core of it. In essence, recognize abusive behaviors: we recommend the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) website for information. Respond to people with the heart of Jesus: listen and believe; they may be telling you of deep pain and trauma. Refer: know the number of the NDVH so you can share it when appropriate.

It is so important to get informed and to reflect God’s love to each other. Survivors tell us all the time that the thing that helped them seek help was someone reflecting their worth as a person. It could have been an expression of concern, an encouraging word, or a factual statement about how well they did something. I love the story of an abused wife with a large family who realized for the first time that Catholics cared when she saw the When I Call for Help resource card in her church’s restroom. It was the first time she had an inkling that she was not the only Catholic woman to experience domestic abuse. How simple is it to keep resource cards in the church restrooms?

I do have three specific points:

a. Pray each day for all those touched by domestic abuse that they may seek God’s wisdom and strength to take the next step to experiencing peace.

b. Memorize the National Domestic Violence Hotline number so you can share it with someone in need. It is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Also, check out their website for much useful information.

c. Learn to practice personal peacemaking behaviors. Abuse is more than physical. It includes the emotional and psychological ways we use to hurt each other, leaving deep wounds. I recommend highly that people check out any of the various 12 step programs as a way to learn peaceful responses and in the process learn to prevent abuse and violence. There are about 25 different types of 12 step programs. They are free, anonymous, and are deeply rooted in our spiritual tradition of depending upon God for wisdom and direction. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family (immediate or extended), I recommend they visit six meetings of an Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) Group to see if it helps them to practice peacemaking behaviors. It might be God’s answer on how to find a solution.

Fr. Dahm: Parents must instill self-esteem in their children and help them realize that they should never allow anyone, even a loved one, to abuse them in any way. They need to communicate to anyone they know that they do not have to stay in an abusive relationship.

Dennis: Catholics can prevent domestic violence by creating awareness in themselves, their children and their families that abuse, whether physical or psychological, is never acceptable. To help the abused, it is important that once they see signs of an abusive relationship, they respond empathetically and in a non-judgmental way. They should not act as counselors or “take sides”; rather, they should refer them to someone who can help through either the National DV Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233) or www.ndvh.org), a local Domestic Violence agency or a member of the clergy. To build a culture of peace, Catholics must speak to their children early so they understand violence in any form is not acceptable in any relationship, whether on the school playground, in a dating relationship or in a marriage. Victims and abusers must know help is available to break the cycle of violence.

What aspect of the USCCB statement “When I Call for Help” has been most helpful for your work?

Sharon: I like every word of it and my personal copy is all marked up. I find that the line that astonishes and helps people the most is on page 1: “The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promise.” I think this is so helpful because there is confusion about what things we should “offer up as suffering” and what the marriage promise of “better or worse” means. The Bishops have made it clear that abuse and violence in a marriage needs to be addressed.

Fr. Dahm: The quote mentioned above (in question 3).

Dennis: Overall the USCCB’s statement “When I Call for Help” gives an excellent overview of what domestic violence is and makes it clear that “violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form— physical, sexual, psychological or verbal—is sinful; often it is a crime as well.” Even more important, however, is that the statement makes it clear that contrary to what many may have misconstrued, the Bible is never to be used to support the concept that domestic violence is acceptable, even if addressing it means that a husband or wife seeks a separation from their spouse, or even a civil divorce and annulment in certain cases.

What is on your “wish list” in regards to the Church’s response to domestic violence?

Sharon: For a book chapter, I outlined how 18 different religions address domestic violence. Thus, I say with confidence that the USCCB wrote and endorsed a comprehensive and compassionate pastoral letter, When I Call for Help. My three wishes are all related to this excellent statement. They are for:

a. Clergy and pastoral staff to read and integrate the pastoral statement, When I Call for Help, into their work. They can find it, homilies, and other resources on our website at Catholics for Family Peace.

b. Each parish to ensure that some entity is responsible for promoting the suggestions, on an ongoing basis, as presented in When I Call for Help. For example, a Wellness Committee, the Young Adult Ministry or the Women and Men’s Groups in the parish would be appropriate groups.

c. Parishes to post flyers and information about healthy relationships. Free downloadable materials are available from our website, Catholics for Family Peace (www.catholicsforfamilypeace.org).

Fr. Dahm: Bishops need to speak about this and urge clergy to preach on it at least once a year. Seminarians must be taught about how to recognize DV and respond. Family ministries need to include DV in marriage preparation and other services. Catholic Charities must prepare their counselors in DV counseling. Catholic Charities should have a specific program for DV.Catholic Schools should teach about DV. DREs and principals need to be trained in DV so they can teach their teachers and catechists how to recognize and respond. DV needs to be a topic of a clergy meeting at least once every 5 years.

Dennis: My wish list for the Church on domestic violence is that pastors, priests and Catholic leaders speak out on this important issue on a regular and continuing basis. This should be done from the pulpit, in family life programs and in our Catholic schools. In speaking out they need to help all Catholics, from our youth to our elderly, to recognize the signs of relationship abuse in themselves, their fellow parishioners and students, to respond appropriately to assure the safety of the abused on a basis consistent with Catholic teaching, and to refer the abused and the abusers to get the help they need. They should also encourage praying for those who suffer and cause abuse and for the end of all forms of domestic violence and abuse.

Married Saints: Sts. Louis & Zelie Martin

St. Louis: August 22, 1823 – July 29, 1894
St. Zelie: December 23, 1831 – August 28, 1877
Feast Day: July 12
Patronage: Illness, Marriage, Parenting, Widowers

This couple is best known as the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux (the Little Flower), but they are models of holiness in their own right. They are only the second married couple to be canonized.

Louis was born in 1823 in Bordeaux. When his hope of entering religious life was thwarted he became a watchmaker. Zelie Guerin was born in 1831. She, too, hoped to become a religious, but eventually understood that it was not God’s will. She became a successful lace-maker.

Louis and Zelie met in Alencon and were married in 1858 after a three-month courtship. For almost a year the couple lived as celibates, but the advice of a confessor changed their minds and they decided to raise as many children as possible for the glory of God. Zelie gave birth to nine children, five of whom entered religious life.

The family lived a comfortable lifestyle, but they also suffered the loss of four children at an early age and had to deal with a rebellious daughter. Their devotion never wavered, however. The couple lived modestly, reached out to the poor and the needy, and led daily prayers in the household. St. Therese would later write: “God gave me a father and a mother who were more worthy of heaven than of earth.”

In 1877, at age 45, Zelie Martin died of breast cancer. Louis and his daughters moved to Lisieux. Gradually his daughters left to enter the convent. Despite his loneliness he said: “It is a great, great honor for me that the Good Lord desires to take all of my children. If I had anything better, I would not hesitate to offer it to him.” Louis died in 1894 after suffering greatly, including a three-year stay in a psychiatric hospital.

Louis and Zelie Martin were beatified by Pope Benedict XVI in 2008 and canonized by Pope Francis in 2015. Their feast day is July 12, though a liturgical celebration in their honor is not included in the current General Roman Calendar.

Sts. Louis and Zelie, pray for us.

For further reflection:

  • Read Call to a Deeper Love: The Family Correspondence of the Parents of Saint Therese of the Child Jesus (1864-1885)
  • Pray a novena to Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin

Life Matters: Explaining the Reality of Marriage to Family And Friends

The following is the full text of a pamphlet from the 2013-2014 Respect Life Program. See all seven pamphlets here.

The true meaning and purpose of marriage has become clouded over the last 40 years. This confusion has influenced why and whether young people marry. While we understand marriage as a sacrament, it’s critical we learn to use non-religious language to explain it to our children and friends in ways that properly convey its truth and beauty.

Polls show most people think marriage is merely the recognition of a committed loving relationship principally for the benefit of the spouses. However, marriage is much more. Responsible negative influences include no-fault divorce, which makes marriage conditional on the happiness and fulfillment of adults and the separation of sex from procreation and marriage.

The breakdown of marriage has reached crisis mode. Today more than 50 percent of births to women under 30 occur outside marriage. According to sociologists, the increased numbers of children in poverty, in fatherless homes, and who experience abuse and neglect all relate to changing attitudes about marriage. The phenomenon of the breakdown of marriage has spread rapidly into the segment known as Middle America and is now touching nearly every extended family.

Efforts to reverse these current trends should be an imperative of social justice for every citizen, and a primary concern of every parent. Who would choose that their grandchildren should be deprived of mothers and fathers united in marriage, or that their own children should grow up to be single parents?

Rebuilding a Christian culture – and in this case, a marriage culture – does not start with judging others but with our own conversion. Conversion is a journey, not a destination. That journey is essential to the New Evangelization and the reason Pope Benedict XVI declared the Year of Faith. To evangelize the culture, starting in our own families, it is crucial to study and transmit the teachings of the Church about love, marriage, and sexuality to our children, but to also present them in non-religious terms that reveal their truth, beauty and goodness. No matter how well they know the Catechism, young people are vulnerable to accepting conflicting ideas that seem reasonable and appealing.

Many now only accept Church teaching that correlates with their own experience. Building a deeper faith and increasing confidence requires testing and verifying what she teaches.1

Verifying the Reality of Marriage

Remember, things aren’t true because they are in the Catechism. They are in the Catechism because they are first true. Church teaching does not create reality; it gives us a deeper understanding of it. Marriage as an integral part of God’s plan for creation is a reality that can be verified without the benefit of revelation.

“Father… for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike,” Jesus said (Lk 10:21). Looking at marriage from the perspective of the child within us reveals its truth.

The child has the right to be … brought up within marriage: it is through the secure and recognized relationship to his own parents that the child can discover his own identity and achieve his own proper human development. The parents find in their child . . . the permanent sign of their conjugal union, the living and indissoluble concrete expression of their paternity and maternity. (Donum Vitae, no. 1)

Why do adopted people wonder about their biological origins, or children created from sperm donors search out the person who engendered them, as well as their half-siblings? Rather than merely biological artifacts, moms, dads and siblings are part of our identity. Every person has a right to be part of a family, to be born to a mother and father united in marriage.2 Our own experience informs us. We all have a desire to know, be connected with, and loved by our own mother and father regardless of our relationship with them. This experience of God’s plan for creation has been stamped into our very nature.

Marriage Defined

Due to the confusion about marriage today, many struggle with expressing marriage so that its truth and goodness are evident. This is what marriage is and does:

Marriage unites a man and a woman with each other and any children born from their union.

This fact can only be recognized and not changed (Catechism §1601-1603). It expresses procreation, complementarity, motherhood and fatherhood, irreplaceability, kinship, and the good of the spouses and children. It even includes the potential for the heartbreak of infertility. Not every married man and woman has children, but every child has a mother and father.

This reveals why marriage has been recognized by every culture, society, and religion, each within its own sphere of interest or knowledge. In law, marriage creates the sole civil institution that unites children with their mothers and fathers and provides the only authority to promote it for the common good. The Church provides a deeper understanding of this same reality which was elevated to a sacrament by Christ’s total self-gift to us on the cross, and by the understanding of His relationship with His bride, the Church.

The Beauty of Marriage Revealed

In marriage, a man and woman freely choose to become irreplaceable to each other. This choice prepares them to receive the gift of a new life that has the same value and dignity as their own. The child is irreplaceable to them and both are irreplaceable to the child. Marriage begins the circle of irreplaceability we call the family.

The same is true for adoption. Marriage prepares the man and woman to receive that child into their circle of irreplaceability, permanently substituting for the mother and father the child lost.

When considered through the eyes of the child, marriage is beautiful. To rebuild a marriage culture, the truth about marriage must be restored and promoted so that more men and women choose to enter into the marital union as the foundation for their families.

As an imperative of social justice, public policy, education, entertainment and media all need to promote the importance of men and women marrying before having children.

More resources

About the Author
William B. May is author of Getting the Marriage Conversation Right, a Guide for Effective Dialogue and President of Catholics for the Common Good, an apostolate for evangelization of culture (www.ccgaction.org).

Notes
[1] Dwight Longenecker, “The Risk of Faith,” The Veritas Series (New Haven, CT: Knights of Columbus Supreme Council, 2008),http://www.kofc.org/un/en/resources/cis/cis332.pdf (accessed May 17, 2013).
[2] Donum Vitae (Instruction on Respect for Human Life in its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation), Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (1987).

About the document
Reprinted with permission from:

Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
3211 Fourth Street NE • Washington, DC 20017-1194
Tel: (202) 541-3070 • Fax: (202) 541-3054
Website: www.usccb.org/prolife

Copyright © 2013, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C.

Married Saint: Bl. Frédéric Ozanam

Born: April 23, 1813
Died: September 8, 1853
Feast Day: September 9
Patronage: Society of St. Vincent de Paul

Frédéric Ozanam was born on April 23, 1813 in Milan to Jean and Marie Ozanam. He was the fifth child of fourteen, but one of only three children who would live to adulthood.

During his teenage years, Ozanam experienced a time of great doubts about the Catholic faith he had been raised in. He turned to reading and prayer, neither of which seemed to help, but found great clarity in long discussions with Fr. Noirot, a priest and professor at Lyons College. The challenge to live out the faith captivated him. He said, “Let us not talk so much about charity! Instead we ought to practice it and really help the poor!”

In 1831, Ozanam left for Paris to begin his studies in law at the University of the Sorbonne. During his time at the Sorbonne, Ozanam organized a discussion club for students to debate the issues of the day. During one of these meetings, a member of the club challenged him to demonstrate his faith in a way other than words, to prove that the faith Ozanam spoke highly of was alive in him.

Struck by this challenge, Ozanam and a few of his friends met and founded the “Conference of Charity” to assist the poor in Paris. This organization was the beginning of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, which today provides direct services to the poor in 148 countries.

Ozanam graduated from the Sorbonne in 1836 and went on to teach and practice law, also pursuing a degree in literature. the Society continued to grow and spread throughout Europe, with dozens of chapters forming in Paris and around the continent.

Frédéric knew that he wanted to marry. In his humility he prayed that his future wife would be “a pure soul, quite different from me.” On June 23, 1841 he married Amelie Soulacroix. Before the wedding he wrote to her: “I give you the will of a man, an upright and honest will, the will to be good so as to make you happy.” In remembrance of their wedding, he gave his wife a bouquet of flowers on the 23rd of each month. After two miscarriages, they were blessed with a daughter, Marie, in 1845.

In 1848 another revolution broke out in France and the government asked Ozanam’s organization to supervise government aid to the poor. Frédéric became an outspoken proponent of Christian democracy; he also started a newspaper dedicated to securing justice for the poor and the working classes. Fellow Catholics often took issue with his political stands.

Poor health forced Frédéric to resign his professorate. He died on September 8, 1853 in Marseilles at the age of 40.

In his homily for the beatification of Frédéric Ozanam in 1997, Pope St. John Paul II said:

Frédéric Ozanam believed in love, the love of God for every individual. He felt himself called to love, giving the example of a great love for God and others. He went to all those who needed to be loved more than others, those to whom the love of God could not be revealed effectively except through the love of another person. There Ozanam discovered his vocation, the path to which Christ called him. He found his road to sanctity. And he followed it with determination… Today the Church confirms the kind of Christian life which Ozanam chose, as well as the path which he undertook. She tells him: Frédéric, your path has truly been the path of holiness.

Blessed Frédéric Ozanam, pray for us. 

Married Saint: St. Jane Frances de Chantal

Jane de Chantal (large, color)Born: January 28, 1572
Died: December 13, 1641
Feast Day: August 12
Patronage: forgotten people, in-law problems, loss of parents, parents separated from children, widows

St. Jane Frances de Chantal is probably best known for her great spiritual friendship with St. Francis de Sales, with whom she founded the Visitation sisters. Before that, however, St. Jane was a happily married wife and mother who successfully ran a large estate.

St. Jane was born in Dijon, France in 1572. At age 21 she married Christopher, the baron de Chantal. She bore six children, four of whom survived past infancy. She and her husband enjoyed a happy marriage. A witness during her canonization stated: “These two spouses provided a model of a genuinely holy marriage. They had between them one heart and one soul.”

Tragically, after nine years of marriage Christopher was killed in a hunting accident. Before he died, Christopher forgave the man who shot him. Jane, however, struggled for a long time. She was finally able to forgive the man and even became godmother to his child.

Jane and her children moved in with her father-in-law, who humiliated and terrorized the young widow for seven years. She endured patiently, even helping to raise his four illegitimate children.

In 1604 Jane’s life changed dramatically when she heard St. Francis, Bishop of Geneva, preach a series of Lenten sermons. The two began a friendship that quickly bore fruit. In 1610 they started the Congregation of the Visitation, a religious order for women who could not endure the austerities of traditional orders. The Visitandines flourished and exist to this day in countries around the world.

Jane died in 1641 and was canonized in 1767. Her feast day is celebrated on August 12.

St. Jane Frances de Chantal, pray for us.