Tag Archives: Single Parents

Life Matters: Explaining the Reality of Marriage to Family And Friends

The following is the full text of a pamphlet from the 2013-2014 Respect Life Program. See all seven pamphlets here.

The true meaning and purpose of marriage has become clouded over the last 40 years. This confusion has influenced why and whether young people marry. While we understand marriage as a sacrament, it’s critical we learn to use non-religious language to explain it to our children and friends in ways that properly convey its truth and beauty.

Polls show most people think marriage is merely the recognition of a committed loving relationship principally for the benefit of the spouses. However, marriage is much more. Responsible negative influences include no-fault divorce, which makes marriage conditional on the happiness and fulfillment of adults and the separation of sex from procreation and marriage.

The breakdown of marriage has reached crisis mode. Today more than 50 percent of births to women under 30 occur outside marriage. According to sociologists, the increased numbers of children in poverty, in fatherless homes, and who experience abuse and neglect all relate to changing attitudes about marriage. The phenomenon of the breakdown of marriage has spread rapidly into the segment known as Middle America and is now touching nearly every extended family.

Efforts to reverse these current trends should be an imperative of social justice for every citizen, and a primary concern of every parent. Who would choose that their grandchildren should be deprived of mothers and fathers united in marriage, or that their own children should grow up to be single parents?

Rebuilding a Christian culture – and in this case, a marriage culture – does not start with judging others but with our own conversion. Conversion is a journey, not a destination. That journey is essential to the New Evangelization and the reason Pope Benedict XVI declared the Year of Faith. To evangelize the culture, starting in our own families, it is crucial to study and transmit the teachings of the Church about love, marriage, and sexuality to our children, but to also present them in non-religious terms that reveal their truth, beauty and goodness. No matter how well they know the Catechism, young people are vulnerable to accepting conflicting ideas that seem reasonable and appealing.

Many now only accept Church teaching that correlates with their own experience. Building a deeper faith and increasing confidence requires testing and verifying what she teaches.1

Verifying the Reality of Marriage

Remember, things aren’t true because they are in the Catechism. They are in the Catechism because they are first true. Church teaching does not create reality; it gives us a deeper understanding of it. Marriage as an integral part of God’s plan for creation is a reality that can be verified without the benefit of revelation.

“Father… for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike,” Jesus said (Lk 10:21). Looking at marriage from the perspective of the child within us reveals its truth.

The child has the right to be … brought up within marriage: it is through the secure and recognized relationship to his own parents that the child can discover his own identity and achieve his own proper human development. The parents find in their child . . . the permanent sign of their conjugal union, the living and indissoluble concrete expression of their paternity and maternity. (Donum Vitae, no. 1)

Why do adopted people wonder about their biological origins, or children created from sperm donors search out the person who engendered them, as well as their half-siblings? Rather than merely biological artifacts, moms, dads and siblings are part of our identity. Every person has a right to be part of a family, to be born to a mother and father united in marriage.2 Our own experience informs us. We all have a desire to know, be connected with, and loved by our own mother and father regardless of our relationship with them. This experience of God’s plan for creation has been stamped into our very nature.

Marriage Defined

Due to the confusion about marriage today, many struggle with expressing marriage so that its truth and goodness are evident. This is what marriage is and does:

Marriage unites a man and a woman with each other and any children born from their union.

This fact can only be recognized and not changed (Catechism §1601-1603). It expresses procreation, complementarity, motherhood and fatherhood, irreplaceability, kinship, and the good of the spouses and children. It even includes the potential for the heartbreak of infertility. Not every married man and woman has children, but every child has a mother and father.

This reveals why marriage has been recognized by every culture, society, and religion, each within its own sphere of interest or knowledge. In law, marriage creates the sole civil institution that unites children with their mothers and fathers and provides the only authority to promote it for the common good. The Church provides a deeper understanding of this same reality which was elevated to a sacrament by Christ’s total self-gift to us on the cross, and by the understanding of His relationship with His bride, the Church.

The Beauty of Marriage Revealed

In marriage, a man and woman freely choose to become irreplaceable to each other. This choice prepares them to receive the gift of a new life that has the same value and dignity as their own. The child is irreplaceable to them and both are irreplaceable to the child. Marriage begins the circle of irreplaceability we call the family.

The same is true for adoption. Marriage prepares the man and woman to receive that child into their circle of irreplaceability, permanently substituting for the mother and father the child lost.

When considered through the eyes of the child, marriage is beautiful. To rebuild a marriage culture, the truth about marriage must be restored and promoted so that more men and women choose to enter into the marital union as the foundation for their families.

As an imperative of social justice, public policy, education, entertainment and media all need to promote the importance of men and women marrying before having children.

More resources

About the Author
William B. May is author of Getting the Marriage Conversation Right, a Guide for Effective Dialogue and President of Catholics for the Common Good, an apostolate for evangelization of culture (www.ccgaction.org).

Notes
[1] Dwight Longenecker, “The Risk of Faith,” The Veritas Series (New Haven, CT: Knights of Columbus Supreme Council, 2008),http://www.kofc.org/un/en/resources/cis/cis332.pdf (accessed May 17, 2013).
[2] Donum Vitae (Instruction on Respect for Human Life in its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation), Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (1987).

About the document
Reprinted with permission from:

Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
3211 Fourth Street NE • Washington, DC 20017-1194
Tel: (202) 541-3070 • Fax: (202) 541-3054
Website: www.usccb.org/prolife

Copyright © 2013, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C.

Parenting: What the Airlines Can Teach Us

I have been blessed with being a part-time stay-at-home dad since 1999 and a licensed therapist since 1996. I thank God for the gift of being a dad. Parenting is the most exhausting and exhilarating thing I have ever done. I have never been so caffeine-dependent in my life, but I am convinced that God is OK with that.

I do find that parenting for me and my wife is much easier when I learn the profound lesson of the airlines. (I am not talking about the way they price their tickets or overbook most flights.) Let me explain.

Before every flight the airline attendant comes into the cabin and tells the passengers something like this: “If cabin air pressure changes, masks will deploy from the ceiling. Grab the mask and make sure there are no twists in the tubing. Gently place the mask over your face. Oxygen will begin to flow immediately into the mask. Place the mask on yourself first and then help those around you who are unable to assist themselves. Have a nice flight and enjoy the pretzels.”

Here is the key: “Place the mask on yourself first and then help those who are unable to help themselves.” What are the reasons they teach this?

The airlines know that if adults are able to receive the oxygen they need first, then there is a chance that others can be saved. For example, we have a seven year old son who has Down’s syndrome. If in the middle of a flight a mask with a rubber band comes down from the ceiling he is going to have a great time with this new toy from the sky! He will be flinging it all over the cabin, playing with the rubber band part especially. His oxygen supply will become critically low.

That is the reason airlines tell us to put our masks on first. If I live there is a chance I can help others. If I don’t get the oxygen I need, then I will pass out, guaranteeing that those who can’t help themselves will also pass out. If parents could learn from this model I am convinced that our families would be helped tremendously. Here is how it would look.

Parents would not feel guilty when they devote positive time away from their children: time to pray, time to exercise, time with life-giving friends. Of course, this can’t happen all the time, but we as parents have to make sure some of our basic needs are being met. These met needs provide much-needed air in the midst of a near-suffocating amount of parental tasks.

When we meet our basic needs then we are better able to meet the demands of our children. How do we do this?

It depends. If you are married, talk with your spouse and plan ahead for times where you can pray, go for walks, talk with uplifting friends, visit with a spiritual director, or simply take a nap. If possible, plan a retreat every year. I try to go on two or three retreats a year, and so does my wife. I miss my family, but I come back refreshed and full of new oxygen to share.

Also, plan on syncing your calendars at least twice a month. During this time talk to each other about how your needs are being met. If you need more time away for life-giving activities plan them ASAP. Spirit-led time away will always help our families.

If you are a single parent perhaps start a baby-sitting group so one person can baby-sit once or twice a week, giving the other parents some free time. Or, talk to your church and see if there are some trusted Confirmation students who are good baby-sitters and need service hours. Time alone as a single parent is critical.

When I have shared this wisdom with hurting families and the parents start to create positive time to meet their needs, amazing things start to happen. Parents become more patient with their children. As they become gentler with themselves, they become gentler with their children. They begin to breathe the breath of new life.

May God bless you as you meet your needs so that the Holy Spirit will equip you to meet your children’s needs.

About the author
Jim Otremba, M.Div, M.S., LICSW, is a nationally-known workshop presenter on parenting and other topics

This article is adapted from the author’s parenting workbook: The Daily Dozen of Christian Parenting. To order the workbook or to arrange for a workshop in your parish call the Center for Family Counseling: (320) 253-3540 or visit www.healinginchrist.com

Remarrying Well with Children

The Situation

Sam (45) and Sally (37) have been married for 2-1/2 years. It’s a second marriage for both. Sam was married at 20. He divorced at 35 and obtained an annulment. Sam has done co-parenting with his ex-wife for a number of years. Sam brings two children from his first marriage, ages 14 and 12.

Sally was widowed for three years prior to her marriage to Sam. She has a 10-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son from her first marriage. While the initial phase of dating, courtship, engagement, and early marriage went well, there is a lot of competition among the children today. Sam and Sally often feel frustrated with the behavior of their respective children. This has caused tension between the couple and resentment towards the children. They both want this marriage to work well.

A Response

Keep talking. Besides the beauty both Sam and Sally find in each other, there are many gifts and challenges that need to be acknowledged. They need to keep talking about the gift of each member to the family. They shouldn’t minimize the challenges, but always preface what is said by, “I say this because I love you.” Sam and Sally need to recognize that the challenges they face are normal and developmental. They are hurdles that all stepfamilies face. This reality: “We are going through tough times, but it’s normal,” can be consoling.

Read a lot. The Internet offers sites that provide simple, clear articles on stepfamilies. A great source is the National Stepfamily Resource Center. The local library and the State Cooperative Extension Service are useful resources. Ohio State University’s site has helpful handouts.

Take time to be a couple. Given their ages, Sam and Sally have the possibility of a 35-year marriage, of which only 10 to 15 years will be spent in active parenting. Nurturing their relationship is important, even if these “dates” are time at a diner over coffee and pie. Regularly scheduling this time as a couple also sends a message to the children. Sally and Sam can also commit to going to marriage enrichment programs offered in their parish or community. They are a married couple first and also parents.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Seeking help from a competent marriage and family therapist can be very beneficial. It is a sign of great love to suggest this help early, rather than when in the middle of a crisis. The therapist should be familiar with stepfamily issues. The local parish priest, diocesan Catholic Charities office and the National Registry for Marriage Friendly Therapists can recommend marriage and family therapists. If Sally and Sam are really struggling in their relationship, attending a Retrouvaille weekend and follow-up program would be helpful. Retrouvaille has helped stabilize many marriages. Also, Sam and Sally should talk to other parents in stepfamilies. This will help them normalize their experiences as a family.

Examine priorities. Sally and Sam might need to accept that in their children’s eyes loyalty to their parent might come before the marital relationship. While this is contrary to a couple’s belief that the marriage comes first, children need to feel that they will never be abandoned, especially after major losses. Children need to know that they will always be first in their parents’ concerns. Thus, Sally and Sam need to make sure to acknowledge the importance of their children’s loyalties, even as they nurture their own marriage. Talking this through is essential to a successful remarriage.

Remember that change takes time. Sally and Sam need to accept that in some stepfamilies the experience is like a roller coaster ride. Acknowledging that time can heal one’s hurts and also begin to create loving relationships is essential.

It takes time for a stepchild to love a new stepparent, just as it does for the stepparent to love a new stepchild. Sam and Sally should try to do things individually with each child, when the opportunity arises. This can happen when they drop a child off at band practice or go to the hardware or grocery store. A little time alone with each child goes a long way in cementing relationships. Also, each parent should accept that the missing parent (the mother of Sam’s children and Sally’s deceased husband) are very important to the children. Let them grieve their losses and support them, even though some time has elapsed after the death/divorce. The Rainbows program can be of great assistance to their children.

Trust that God is in the messiness of family life. Sally and Sam need to keep acknowledging to each other and themselves that God is present in the ordinariness of daily life. There is a real gift–grace–given to us in our sacramental marriage. Sally and Sam can pray daily for and with each other. They can recognize everyday victories (a good report card, a soccer game well played), and acknowledge unsettling challenges (an upsetting day at work, a sick child). In all this, Sally and Sam can give thanks to God for the gift of married love and family life.

About the author
Bill Urbine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a permanent deacon and Director of the Office of Family Life Ministries for the Diocese of Allentown, PA. He is past president of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM).

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.