Tag Archives: Sexuality & Conjugal Love

The Mountains Bring the Freedom: The Theology of the Body

Karol Wojtyla regularly escaped from the Communist regime into the mountains of Poland. Once there, he and some 200 married couples kayaked, hiked, and talked. They planned no particular diplomatic intervention or militaristic coup. Instead, they discussed the mainstay of resistance to the occupying power. The mountains brought the freedom to converse about the identity of the human person and marriage.

Some thirty years later, Wojtyla, as Pope John Paul II, conversed with a worldwide audience. He gave a series of lectures not in the countryside, but in Rome, almost every Wednesday from 1979 to 1984. The occupying powers this time were secularization, materialism, and the unbridled pursuit of pleasure. His escape route was the same: he taught on the “theology of the body” to describe the identity of the human person and of marriage.

In the theology of the body, Pope John Paul shows no embarrassment for his repeated appeal to the two accounts of creation in Genesis. He admits the accounts are myth, but not in the rationalist sense of fable. They are the classical myth: more than true, they convey a truth too dense to fit in a fact. Instead, the fable is the modern approach to the human person and marriage.

False ideas abound for persons entering marriage today. The contemporary focus on acquisition and consumerism translates into: “The more I get the happier I’ll be.” The concentration on materialism and usefulness translates into “I am what I own.” The emphasis on feeling good translates into “If it feels good do it.” These ideas infect marriage and the sense of the human person. Couples begin to “run their marriages” as a business rather than a bond of love.

The Genesis picture is different. God creates the visible world through a series of commands. The commands cease on the sixth day. God pauses and ponders within himself (Gen 1:26-27). The manner of the human person’s creation is different from that of the rest of the world because the person is different, created in the image and likeness of God. Classical theology teaches that man is the image and likeness of God in the capacity to know and to love.

The second chapter of Genesis presents a mysterious interval between the creation of man and that of woman (Gen 2: 7; Gen 2:22). This interval is the basis for a series of meanings, or original experiences, about the internal identity of the human person and the relation man to woman.

The first original experience is Original Solitude. The popular notion of solitude is a calm, silent retreat at a monastery on a hill. This is not the solitude to which John Paul refers. Original Solitude is the internal, spiritual identity of the human person and the person’s search outside the self to be in relation. Through tilling the soil (Gen 2:5), naming the animals, (Gen 2:19) and the command regarding the tree (Gen 2:17) Adam realizes his identity on the basis of his body: he is a being who has the capacity for consciousness, self-knowledge through self-awareness and self-determination in and through the body.

The body reveals meaning and identity and includes the search outside himself in openness to another in relation. God says, “It is not good for man to be alone, I shall make a helper fit for him” (Gen 2:18). Of course, there is no evil in paradise, so what does “not good” mean here? “Not good” means that man’s identity is not yet complete. The helper is not a helper to till the soil or to name the animals. The helper is the helper in terms of the man’s very identity.

The second original experience, Original Unity, reveals the meaning of the human person created always as either masculine or feminine. The sleep of Adam is no ordinary nap. For Pope John Paul, the sleep precedes a great action of God, as when Abraham fell into a sleep or trance before encountering God, as did Jacob, St. Joseph, and the apostles. The sleep is Adam’s return to the moment preceding his creation. The sleep reveals that Eve is created by God alone. Yet, created from the rib, they share the same humanity.

Upon awakening, Adam speaks for the first time. All the beauty of God’s previous creation has not caused him to speak. But the beauty of woman does. He exclaims, “This, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman, because she has been taken from her man” (Gen 2:23). Adam recognizes her on the basis of her body. And in naming her, he reveals something about himself. Up to now in the Genesis text he has been called the general “Adam” or “person.” Yet when he names her, “woman,” he names himself “man.” Her identity unlocks his, and his identity reveals that of her. The meaning of her identity for his own fills his consciousness, self-awareness, self-knowledge, and self-determination and vice versa.

The third original experience is Original Nakedness. The account further notes that man and woman were naked but not ashamed (Gen 2:25). The nakedness is not merely that Adam and Eve have no clothes. Nakedness is more about what they do have: they share the vision of God when God looked at all he made and said it was very good (Gen 1:31). In the nakedness they see each other with the original vision of God. They understand the meaning of the other and the body of the other in a direct, immediate, simple, full and complete manner.

The body of the other or the self may never be used as an object in a selfish manner. The other is always and only a gift. Love and life always take the form of the gift of self. The meaning of the body for life and love is a spousal meaning. The reciprocity between man and woman is inscribed with the quality of the gift of self. The gift includes from the beginning the blessing of fertility. The communion of persons in marriage in which the two become one so that they may become three – is so profound that John Paul notes the communion of persons as decisive for man as the image of God.

Marriage is the reminder that love can never be reduced to the satisfaction of my own personal need, erotic or otherwise. The spousal meaning of the body is wounded in sin, but not destroyed. Pope John Paul shows that through the human person’s own choice to doubt the gift the person “casts God from his heart” by sin. The fourth original experience, Original Shame, outlines the effects of concupiscence as the flesh wars against the spirit. Through a “fundamental disquiet” and an “interior imbalance,” fear and shame disrupt the relation of marriage. The tendency to reduce and try to dominate or possess the other begins to infiltrate the gift of self. The grace of Christ and the life of virtue both restore the human person’s fruitful response to the spousal meaning of the body.

The theology of the body reasserts the original meaning of the person as a gift fulfilled in an original way through the gift of self in marriage. Through John Paul’s words married couples and those preparing for marriage can find themselves escaping into the mountains away from acquisition to be the gift, away from materialism to spend themselves for the other, away from focus on pleasure to the beauty of the gift of self.

Additional resources:

  • Pope John Paul II, Crossing the Threshold of Hope (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1994).
  • Man and Woman He Created Them: A Theology of the Body, translated by Michael Waldstein (Boston: Pauline Books and Media, 2006).

About the author
Msgr. J. Brian Bransfield, STD is the General Secretary of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

The Marital Sexual Relationship

The Situation

Bob and Mary have been married nine years and have two small children, ages eight and six. Each have demanding full-time jobs and they pride themselves on being involved in their children’s school and social activities.

What initially began as a positive and rewarding sexual relationship in this committed modern couple’s marriage has slowly diminished in sexual desire and frequency. While they continue to profess to love one another, Bob complains they each are too busy and over-stressed, while Mary often says she’s too tired for sex. Bob also sees himself as taking a back seat to Mary’s involvement with their children.

While not wishing to complain, Bob thinks their marriage is in trouble. He wants to make their lack-luster marriage more satisfying. Mary can’t see a way for her to regain the old desire that was present in the earlier years – B.C. (before children).

A Response

Marriage is a call to on-going intimacy – not only sexual intimacy, but also the intentional develop of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Each dimension of Bob and Mary’s intimacy connects with the others. So, if they neglect emotional bonding or don’t pay ongoing attention to each other, all parts of the relationship suffer, including the physical expression of love.

Although sexual intimacy is pleasurable, its importance in marriage is not just to have fun; it also strengthens the couple’s bond, helping them to face the many challenges of their life together. Studies report that couples who are passionate about each other can more easily solve problems, including such things as dealing with children, extended family, and financial issues.

Sexual intimacy may have come easily in Bob and Mary’s earlier stages of marriage – a period likely laced with kissing and holding, loving words and deeds, romantic dinners, walks, and sharing of thoughts and feelings – that, later may suffer given the rigors of a growing family. In time, couples like Bob and Mary may settle for security and certainty at the cost of playfulness and passion in marriage.

Sustaining physical attraction, however, often takes a conscious decision to put time and effort into a dimension of the relationship that used to come effortlessly. It requires setting one’s spouse as the priority – before work, before cleaning, and even before kids. For Bob and Mary this may mean finding babysitters, having occasional dinners alone (without children), going on dates, and bringing to their relationship new ways of connecting.

For Mary and Bob, focusing on intimacy may require making the effort to break out of a routine and investing energy into cultivating creativity in their lovemaking. Part of what makes a relationship romantic is the excitement that comes with discovering a new person and noticing that that person cares about you. Of course, this doesn’t mean marrying a new person but rather, courting your spouse as though you are still bent on winning his or her love. Basically, it means re-tooling those very things that were a part of your earlier relationship but without the threat of rejection or loss.

One dimension of masculine/feminine sexuality worth exploring is how spouses complement each other. Just as magnets are drawn to each other from different poles, so too men and women are drawn to each other, not only because of similarities, but also for the differences.

For example, men more often show passion by pursuing and initiating lovemaking, focusing on purpose, protection and commitment; while women playfully tend to provoke and entice, focusing on vulnerability and feelings. Exaggerating these two polarities can stimulate passion. In our culture these gender energies often are judged to be too narrow.

For example, women may hesitate to appear “too feminine” for fear of being viewed as unintelligent or manipulative. Men face the possibility of coming across as insensitive. Equality and mutuality can get confused with sameness. But sameness is not very exciting. Within marriage, couples need to cultivate a healthy balance of both certainty and excitement. But therein lies the basic problem: Love seeks closeness while desire needs distance. Too much distance, however, might cause a lack of connection, while too much sameness destroys the attraction of two unique individuals. This is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

Love enjoys knowing everything about the other, while desire needs mystery. If love grows by repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on mystery, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. Desire benefits from ongoing elusiveness. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire.

In sacramental marriage the couple’s call to love and be loved shows the world a glimpse of God’s unconditional, exquisite, and passionate love for each of us. Scripture uses passionate images of married love to describe God’s unimaginable love for us all.

In Catholic marriage the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament while the priest is the official witness of the church. As ministers, it is each spouse’s task to give the other an experience of being loved. In simple language this means that one’s spouse must know he or she is loved and comes first in the other’s life. It is in making each other number one that intimacy can blossom into an ever-deepening love. The call to be lover and beloved is a deeply spiritual call. Marital partners are challenged to cultivate marital eroticism. By doing so they embody marriage’s mystical meaning, both as a source of aliveness, and a pathway to salvation.

About the authors
Don and his wife, Chris, are Co-Directors of the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Hartford, Connecticut.

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Not Tonight, Honey: Dealing With Desire Discrepancy

The old stereotype describes men as frequently having sex on their mind while women are often not “in the mood.” As with most stereotypes this is an unfair generalization. But as is also true with stereotypes, it evolved because there was a kernel of truth in it. Indeed typically male sexual arousal can be compared to a microwave – instant and fast – while a woman’s is more often like an electric stove – slower and steady. But it’s not always that way.

Remember the days of your courtship when attraction was intense and it didn’t matter whether you were male or female. You felt passion for each other – or perhaps in hindsight it was romantic infatuation. Still, your physical desire to hold and kiss each other was strong. You wanted to be in each other’s company constantly, and might do ridiculously silly things like walk in the pouring rain together and not be bothered. Your love for each other was strong followed by an almost irrational desire to join your bodies too…and now you’re married.

For most couples, that physical romantic high continues for awhile into marriage. After all, much is new and exciting about your life together. Romance thrives on newness and excitement so a typical couple still finds that both desire to express their love frequently. Often there is little difference between male and female libido. And that is the natural law implanted in our genes. For the continuance of the human race, male and female need to be powerfully drawn to each other.

According to research done by Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York State Psychiatric Institute, when we feel attracted to a person of the opposite sex, it triggers a neurotransmitter called phenylethylamine (PEA) which combines with dopamine and norepinephrine to create pleasingly positive feelings toward the other. This “love molecule” can prompt euphoria, increased energy, loss of appetite, and less need for sleep. It thus increases sexual desire and the human race continues. But this intensity is impossible to maintain. The effects of PEA start to diminish after about six months and have pretty much subsided by the second year of a relationship – just enough time to mate and procreate.

Of course human love is about more than chemicals and neurotransmitters but it does help to understand why a man and woman can feel head over heels in love with each other and later this feeling of ecstasy can lessen. The challenge is to find ways to refresh your relationship so that you can experience some of the excitement that newness brings.

But back to our stoves. While many men’s sexual drive often stays very active with little needed to arouse them to desire sexual intercourse, many women’s drive (originally aided by PEA) slows down after a couple years. The advent of a child can also turn her attention and energy away from her husband. Even though this is not unusual in marriage, it doesn’t make for a happy relationship if your arousal rhythms are not in sync.

So are husbands and wives doomed to frustration if one spouse wants to make love more frequently than the other? With love all things are possible and this is where the desire for your spouse’s happiness can make both of you happier. As with most things in marriage, it’s a matter of loving effort and compromise.

The spouse with the desire for more frequent sex (often the husband) can go out of his way to prepare a romantic environment. Light some candles, pamper her, take your time. The spouse who may not as quickly be ready for sex (often the wife) can resolve not to say “no” too quickly, knowing that given a little time and attention she may also become aroused.

The important thing to remember is that arousal discrepancy (as the experts call it) does not generally reflect a lack of love by that spouse who desires less frequency but rather based in biology. Remember too that the stereotype will never fit everyone and that it is not unusual for roles to reverse in marriage with the wife being more interested in making love than the husband.

Lovemaking is a sensitive area to discuss with your spouse, and you may fear offending or hurting your spouse’s feelings. It’s one of those topics in which you become very vulnerable to each other. Go gently, patiently, lovingly, and meet in the middle.