Tag Archives: Sacrament Of Marriage

Responsible Parents Are Open to Life

In an often quoted and often misunderstood section of the letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul begins a passage about wives and husbands with these words: Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph 5:21ff)

In the late fourth century, St. John Chrysostom suggested that young husbands should say to their wives: I have taken you in my arms, and I love you, and I prefer you to my life itself. For the present life is nothing, and my most ardent dream is to spend it with you in such a way that we may be assured of not being separated in the life reserved for us . . . I place your love above all things, and nothing would be more bitter or painful to me than to be of a different mind than you. (Homily on Ephesians 20,8).

John captured well Paul’s teaching that wives and husbands are to be subordinate to one another: in other words, they are to consider the other’s good as of greatest importance, they are to sacrifice for one another as Christ himself has done, and as a couple they are to see themselves as subject to Christ. The concept of mutual subordination is a way of expressing the particular kind of love which characterizes Christian marriage, which is a union of loves so complete that the two become one.

In the Roman Catholic Church, it is ordinarily understood that husband and wife are ministers of God’s grace and confer on one another the sacrament of matrimony by declaring their consent before the Church. They are chosen instruments of God in one another’s lives–and not just the day of the wedding, but until death do us part. They are literally to help one another get to heaven! Moreover, their vocation entails not only being one in love for each other, but also being God’s instruments as a couple, most especially instruments of his creative power in giving life to children. Their love looks beyond itself and seeks to raise up new lives.

These two meanings or values of Christian marriage–the unitive and procreative–are intimately, inseparably linked; they cannot be divided without affecting the couple’s spiritual life and compromising their marriage and the future of their family. In fact, if a person enters marriage with the deliberate intention to exclude children from the marriage, the consent is invalid. Just as the persons of the Trinity are fruitful in love for one another and in creation, so the love of husband and wife is intended to be fruitful in love and offspring. Married couples are cooperators in the love of God the creator and are, in a certain sense, its interpreters.

Being cooperators and interpreters of the creative love of God carries both extraordinary joys and extraordinary responsibilities. An especially intimate and personal responsibility of every couple is making decisions about the regulation of births. Just as the crown of creation was human life, so the supreme gift of marriage is a human person, and the vocation of husband and wife entails honoring this capacity of their love with special care.

The Church does not teach that couples should have a certain number of children, but it does offer teaching about responsible parenthood, which can be summarized in these five points:

1. Husbands and wives have a responsibility to understand and honor the wisdom of the body, including its biological processes.

2. Humans share certain instincts and passions, and Christians are to guard and control them through reason and will.

3. Taking into consideration the physical, economic, psychological and social conditions of their marriage, couples exercise responsible parenthood by a prudent and generous decision to raise a large family, or by a decision (for serious reasons and made according to the moral law) to avoid a new birth for the time being, or even for an indefinite period.

4. Responsible parenthood has its roots in the truth about right and wrong established by God, and spouses have a duty to inform their consciences and make decisions according to this truth. Husbands and wives recognize their duties toward God, themselves, their family and society, and are called to maintain a proper set of priorities.

5. Offering their marriage in discipleship to the Lord Jesus, couples do not make purely arbitrary or subjective decisions regarding becoming parents but use the wisdom of God as their guide. As in every other aspect of their lives, Christian couples always remain open to God’s wisdom and providence regarding family life, including the size of their particular family. Since God brought them together and shares his love with them, he will always guide them along paths that are best for them.

Interwoven among these aspects of responsible parenthood is the understanding that the two great meanings or values of marriage — the unitive and procreative — are never separated. A love that is complete and faithful, a love which holds nothing back from the other, will remain open to Gods creative plan. After all, it is God’s love in the first place.

About the author
Most Rev. J. Peter Sartain is the Archbishop of Seattle.

This article is part of a six-part series first published for the Arkansas Catholic, a publication of the Diocese of Little Rock. It is reprinted here with permission.

Copyright © 2011, Natural Family Planning Program, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce in whole or in part, in print and/or electronically, with the following statement: Last Name, First Name of Author, “Title,” NFPP/US Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC: USCCB, 2011. Used with permission on dev19.foryourmarriage.org.

This Is My Body

Did you know that marriage is the one sacrament that priests do not administer?

When I married Stacey 15 years ago, the priest led the ceremony and gave us cues as to what to say, but his role, in essence, was to witness—more properly, “to receive”—our vows to love each other till death. He stood as witness with the whole community of faith to hear us say those words to each other, and in the name of the Church he received and blessed what we had done.

This means that the true ministers of the sacrament of marriage are the spouses. I minister the sacrament of marriage to Stacey, and she ministers it to me. Not only did we minister the sacrament of marriage to one another on our wedding day, but we also ministered the sacrament of marriage to one another on the day after the wedding. And the day after that.

In fact, every action and behavior of our married life together is an expression of the sacrament of marriage. When I fill a hot-water bottle to heat the bed for Stacey on a cold night, I am ministering the sacrament of marriage to her. In another 40 years of married life, God-willing, when Stacey parses the week’s medications into daily segments for me, she will be ministering the sacrament of marriage to me.

When we are talking to couples preparing for marriage, this sounds like a beautiful vision and ideal. And it does transform the way we see the life we share together. On the inside, however—in the day-to-day, boots-on-the-ground reality of family life—love takes shape in messy, demanding, frustrating ways. It often feels like death by 1,000 cuts, and that is because love is sacrifice—it means giving yourself away for the good of another.

Sometimes I envy the martyrs who could give their lives to love in one final decision. Marriage presents me with 349 decisions to sacrifice myself every single day. It makes me wonder why anyone would choose this life. It seems like a small miracle that people go on marrying and raising children at all.

Certainly our culture does not value self-denial. Our economy is built upon consumption, and advertising and media barrage us with the idea that autonomy and status are paths to happiness. Love in marriage and family life is an emptying and a binding, and it stands in stark contrast to what we see on TV.

For someone looking for freedom, emptying and binding sounds like the last thing they could want. Yet, paradoxically, generations of faithful people have given themselves away in marriage and family life and found exactly that—freedom.

Freedom is a slippery word, especially in America. True freedom is the freedom to grow in goodness, to become the people we were created to be. And because we are created in the image of God, who is love, we are most truly ourselves, happy, and free when we love.

That is to say, we experience true freedom when we discover that we are becoming holy because we are offering love to our spouses and children. Our culture twists that notion to try to fool us into thinking that freedom is about the open road with a new Chevy Silverado, but that is just silly.

The good news is that we participate in the mystery of God when we love, and this brings us new life. Marriage and family life is a way for us to give our lives over to love 349 ways every day, and it gives us glimpses of heaven every single day, too. To see our children love one another, for example, is just a miracle. There is no way that on my own I can account for the magnitude of that kind of goodness.

Now I’m not saying that every moment in our household is accompanied by a chorus of alleluias. The bulk of our experience is filled with the mundane: getting kids to school, working, making dinner, doing dishes, cleaning the house, shopping for groceries, and so on. But I don’t know of any life that isn’t full of the mundane.

God wants to be discovered within our human experience, not in some abstract ideal. Stacey and I have certainly discovered the truth that marriage is a school for love—that we are working out our salvation with one another, helping each other get to heaven.

This is the kernel of truth behind what we discerned when we decided to get married—we knew that we were at our best together. I knew that a life with Stacey would make me a better person than I could become on my own. A decade and a half later, I’m utterly convinced of this fact—Stacey calls me to growth and encourages me to continue striving for perfection. I’ll never reach that perfection in this world, but sharing a life with her gives me a concrete way to pursue holiness.

As humans, we are tied to sense and corporeality—if we can’t see, smell, taste, touch, or hear something, it is difficult for us to grasp it. Marriage and family life allow us to experience love with our senses. Yesterday, for example, love smelled like toothpaste, steaming vegetables, strawberry-scented shampoo, and popcorn.

Though sex is a part of the physicality of love in marriage, it is a very small part. Mostly, we communicate and care for each other’s bodies—we wash children’s bodies, we feed each other’s bodies with shared meals, we transport bodies to and from school and work and activities, we nurse sick bodies back to health and help tired bodies rest. It was the same with Jesus—he made his body an instrument of love. He still does.

In fact, the Eucharist is the best way for us as spouses and parents to connect our 349 acts of love each day with the one act of love that God has given the world in his Son. We can say with the priest, who repeats these words from Jesus himself: “This is my body, given up for you.”

Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding

This video resource, produced by the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth, walks you through the Rite of Marriage, whether you’re marrying another Catholic, a baptized person who is not Catholic, or someone who is not baptized. It also answers several FAQs about Catholic weddings. Ideal for engaged couples, their families and anyone who is involved in Catholic marriage preparation.

Why Marry in the Catholic Church?

If you are beginning to dream about getting married you may also be thinking about where to hold your wedding ceremony. Every couple wants their wedding to be a memorable event and wants the ceremony to have a special meaning. The wedding day is one of the most important days in a couple’s life. You probably have friends who have found very creative ways to celebrate this day. Some may have selected natural settings such as beaches or mountains, or intimate settings such a parent’s or a friend’s home.

If you and/or your fiance(e) is Catholic, you are expected to marry in a Catholic church unless you have received permission to marry elsewhere. But marrying in a church is much more than an obligation. It’s an opportunity to hold a celebration that is joyful and meaningful, one that can have a positive impact on the rest of your married life.

What can be more romantic than the centuries old tradition of walking down the aisle in a parish church full of family and friends? What is more reassuring for the couple than being surrounded by the people who love them and who will give them ongoing support? What is more meaningful than reciting wedding vows handed down by Christian tradition? What is more awe inspiring than a rite through which you enter a spiritual reality where God unites you as husband and wife and gives you an important mission?

In the Catholic tradition, husband and wife accept a role in God’s plan for humanity. They are to be ambassadors of God’s love. Through their love for each other they show God’s deep love for us, and they collaborate with God to keep humanity alive. The Catholic Church considers marriage a sacrament, a vehicle for God’s graces to the couple and to the community.

The Vow of Permanence

The focal point of any wedding ceremony is the exchange of vows. The vows are not simply a ritual that defines the relationship of two people in love. They are much more. They are a sacred pact through which the spouses embrace each other and, together, embrace Christ as their partner. The pledge they make is unbreakable because through their union with Christ they participate in the unbreakable pact between God and humanity: the covenant that was sealed in the death and resurrection of Jesus.

A permanent commitment is an inherent attribute of the marital relationship. All couples who marry want their marriage to last a lifetime. Researchers tell us that the presence of an irrevocable commitment contributes to the happiness of the spouses. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, the authors of The Case for Marriage, write: “Having a partner who is committed for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, makes people happier and healthier.”

But married life is difficult and today many couples find it hard to keep their promises. Many young people have grown up experiencing the pain of divorce. While wanting to marry, they find it hard to believe that marriages can last a lifetime. They are afraid to commit. One of the benefits of a sacramental marriage in the Catholic Church is the power of God’s grace, which helps spouses keep their commitment and find happiness together. Social scientists are finding that couples who recognize God’s presence in their relationship are most satisfied in their marriages and are least likely to put their children, families and friends through the pain of a divorce.

Experiencing God’s Grace

Couples of faith are more successful and satisfied in marriage not because they have fewer problems than anyone else. What helps these couples grow and overcome obstacles is the help they find in God’s grace. Recently we asked some couples: “How do you experience God’s grace in your marriage?”

A wife married 28 years said: “We experience God’s grace in our marriage through the seasons of our life. He was present when we were newlyweds, when we had young children, and he is present now that we are empty nesters. He gives us strength in the tough times and celebrates with us the good times.”

A husband married 43 years said, “I experience God’s grace in the love and support I receive from my wife. Her care and patience are gifts I do not deserve. They are grace.”

Another husband married 15 years said, “I feel God’s grace when life gets out of control — loss of a job. I know I can turn to God and find the courage I need to carry on.”

A wife married 20 years said, “There are times when we are having an argument and we go to church still upset with each other. We hear a reading that speaks right to us. We look at each other and smirk because we know that God has touched our stubbornness. This is grace.”

God’s grace is all around because the spouses do not travel their journey alone. Blessed Pope John Paul II said: “Jesus does not stand by and leave you alone to face the challenge. He is always with you to transform your weakness into strength. Trust him when he says: ‘My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ (2 Cor. 12:9)”

Marriage in the Catholic Church is attractive not only because of its meaningful rituals and traditions, but because of its impact on your life and happiness. Couples can fully appreciate its value they look at married life through the eyes of faith. Then you will see your wedding not as a one-day event but as the door to a great adventure that will last the rest of your life, a journey that involves not just you and your spouse but one that includes God, your children, your community and all of society. Marriage is not an isolated relationship. The family based on marriage is the fundamental cell of human society. The Catholic Church invites you to give meaning to your life by embracing the vocation of marriage and forming a family that is dedicated to cultivating and sharing God’s love.

When you are ready to make your commitment, speak to your pastor and ask for his guidance on preparing for such a noble vocation.

Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage

On our 25th wedding anniversary, Neil and I celebrated with our faith community at Mass. By chance the Gospel was the parable of the prodigal son, but it probably wasn’t chance at all! This story is often applied to parents and children, but as I listened, I heard our journey in marriage.

I remembered one of our sons saying that the father didn’t just happen to be on the hill that day, that he went out every day and watched the road, waiting to forgive. In many ways this is what happens in marriage. We become road watchers. Marriage involves waiting, sometimes through real or emotional distance, sometimes through deep hurts, and it calls us to seek and offer forgiveness. Marriage asks that we not take forgiving for granted, but instead that we celebrate when it happens. Love demands that we stand by the road every day watching for each other, welcoming each other home.

At that Mass, I listened to Fr. Rich talk about forgiveness in the Gospel, and I realized that being married to Neil had taught me to stand in a place of forgiveness. In fact, reconcilication is the most critical work of the first years of marriage, and if a couple does it well, it becomes the work and the gift of a lifetime.

One of the graces present in the sacrament of marriage is the grace of healing and forgiveness. When we come to marriage we each bring our histories – healed or broken, reflected upon or repressed – to our life together. Our vocation is to help each other become fully human. This means finding a way to share hurts, to risk allowing the other person to know us so intimately that we are willing to open up old wounds and allow God to heal them through each other. Marriage at its best creates a safe space where healing and forgiveness can take place. It offers the possibility of having a companion to share the journey, someone to will help us to dig a litter deeper, to reflect more fully.

One of the best parts of being forgiven is the freedom it brings. Jesus taught us to ask for forgiveness when he taught us to pray. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” invites God to forgive us as we forgive.

Another way to look at it is to say, loose the cords that bind us as we have released the strands we hold of another’s guilt. In marriage we can hold each other fast, or we can release each other to grow toward wholeness. It is always a choice!

Early in our marriage, Neil and I didn’t know how to free each other. We had grown up in homes where feelings were not shared, and where reconciling was difficult. In my home it was not safe to express anger. In Neil’s home disagreement could lead to estrangement. Because we brought these broken places to our marriage, we found ourselves unable to have healthy conflict and to move to reconciliation. Our joy in each other changed to distance, and living together became a strain. I wanted to leave, but I was too scared, so I picked fights, threw tantrums, and in general made Neil’s life miserable. One evening I asked him, “Why do you put up with this? Why don’t you just leave?” Neil grabbed my arms and said, “Don’t you know, you are worth waiting for?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was worth much at all. But Neil seemed to think so, and somewhere deep inside I felt hope. And hope, once the cords are loosed, will grow. Neil gave me a gift of forgiveness with his words, and with that gift I could begin to forgive myself. And it is a gift that keeps on giving.

When our second son was going through a rough time in his teens, he yelled at me, “Why do you and Dad put up with me? Why don’t you throw me out?” I heard myself in those words, and I hear Neil in my response,“Don’t you know you are worth waiting for?” The gift had come full circle. When we are forgiven and healed we are able to see our true selves, the beloved of God, and because we know it, we can share it.

Because of the things that Neil and I encountered on our road together, I have learned to forgive myself, my parents, uncontrolled events, God, our children, and Neil.

A friend of mine says that the concept of “forgive and forget” comes from chivalry, not from Scripture, and she described forgiving this way: “You know you have forgiven when you can remember the incident but not relive the feelings.”

I would add one more piece to her definition: You have forgiven when you are able to bless the incident. It is easy to bless the good things in life, but when I remember the times I have been hurt and am able to see the blessing that came from it, I know I have been healed. It is in the blessing that the pain becomes a gift.

I Promise To Be True To You

If they are not too anxious, every bride and groom hears at the beginning of the Catholic Rite of Marriage:

My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.

The bridal couple likely believes their love is already strong. Do they really need Christ to enrich and strengthen them? It sounds as if marriage involves a challenge for which the bride and groom need fortification, their mission being to “assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.”

What is fidelity that it is considered tough enough to need sacramental enrichment and strengthening? One definition–faithfulness to duties and obligations, or loyalty—corresponds with a traditional understanding of marital fidelity. It denotes unfailing fulfillment of one’s responsibilities and the keeping of one’s word or vows.

Fidelity and its rigors can best be described by those whose lives exemplify faithfulness. The Bible presents many models: Abraham’s fidelity to God despite difficult tests; Ruth’s loyalty to her mother-in-law although free to return to her own clan; Hosea’s resolute faithfulness despite his wife’s infidelities; Paul’s commitment to his mission despite arduous journeys and imprisonment.

We see by our forebears’ lives that fidelity is not easy but is possible with the help of God. Above all the Bible shows that God is faithful no matter how poorly human beings behave. The Son of God dies so that God can keep a promise. Married life often presents trials, conflicting choices, a partner’s inattention or worse. Faithful love persists. Spouses lay down their lives for their beloved every day.

Examples of faithful living exist in our own time. My closest example is my parents’ devotion to each another. My father’s loyalty during the last phase of their life is a remarkable illustration of meeting fidelity’s demands.

Shortly after my dad retired he noticed the first signs of Mom’s Alzheimer-related dementia. About 15 years after her diagnosis they moved to a retirement center to ensure Mom’s security if Dad died first. Dad gave up space and privacy for her sake. He also gave up sleep and dignity. When his wife began to wander, he slept on the floor by the door until an alarm was installed. When she insisted she had to meet her (deceased) father in the parking lot in the middle of the night, he accompanied her. When she forgot Dad’s name and told people “that strange man” was abusing her, he wept alone.

At last Dad admitted he could no longer continue as his wife’s primary caregiver, calling it “the hardest day of my life.” After Mom moved to the care unit, Dad visited her three times daily, bringing fresh fruit and newspapers, brushing her teeth, kissing her upon arrival and before parting. Death, he believed, would be easier to accept than her prolonged debilitation.

Mutual and lasting fidelity to the duties of marriage can be seriously tested by both good times and bad: as much by children’s births, job relocation, multiple opportunities, and wealth as by work stress, financial strain, emotional illness, disabilities, and tragedy. Temptations against fidelity might be disguised as attraction, generosity, or loyalty to a person or cause that is good, such as members of one’s original family, career, material comforts, a friend in need, even religion. No wonder couples need Christ’s enrichment and strength to differentiate between temptation and their vocation.

They also need to practice the virtue of fidelity from courtship onward. Fidelity is an acquired quality that is developed intentionally. Every temptation to be unfaithful is an opportunity to build character. Being purposely faithful to one’s wedding vows enables fidelity to become ingrained, a part of one’s makeup. Forty-five years of fidelity culminated in my father’s faithfulness during their last 15 married years, and in my mother’s willingness to put herself in his hands.

Another definition of fidelity, referring to accuracy and exact correspondence with the original, also offers insights into the marital virtue. Just as a high-fidelity electronic device is noted for accurate sound or picture reproduction, a high-fidelity marriage corresponds with what it represents: the love within the Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church. As a high-fidelity record is true to the original production, faithful spouses are true to their vows.

As President Woodrow Wilson said about loyalty, fidelity “means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.” Yet marital fidelity has rewards. A radical commitment to fidelity enables spouses to trust one another. It fosters openness and intimacy. It dignifies the marriage even in undignified circumstances like personal failure and physical or mental debilitation. A high-fidelity marriage is the basis for a stable family in which children can flourish. And on strong families is built a strong society.

Fidelity is a virtue intertwined with true love. Christ strengthens lovers who desire to be faithful so that, as Pope Benedict XVI said, “love is never ‘finished’ and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself” (Deus Caritas Est, 17). Fidelity, like love, is no fleeting feeling but a life-long commitment that Christ abundantly blesses.

Ten Tips for Keeping Your Catholic Wedding Focused on Faith

A bride and groom getting married in the Catholic Church know that their wedding is about more than the perfect dress or expertly staged pictures: for baptized Christians, marriage is a sacrament, and for all couples getting married Catholic, the wedding is a profound expression of God’s love and a witness to the couple’s faith. Here are some ways to help keep your wedding focused on what truly matters.

1. Keep it simple.

In “The Joy of Love” (Amoris Laetitia [AL]), Pope Francis notes that sometimes all the practical considerations about the wedding—the things that wedding magazines focus on, like color schemes, makeup design, or clothing— “tend to drain not only the budget but energy and joy as well” (no. 212). Pope Francis does not want you to be “exhausted and harried” on your wedding day instead of “focused and ready for the great step that [you] are about to take” (AL, no. 212).

2. Can’t afford a fancy wedding? Get married anyway.

Sometimes people are so concerned with the fact that they can’t afford a grand celebration that they decide not to marry. The Holy Father says to these couples: “Have the courage to be different. Don’t let yourselves get swallowed up by a society of consumption and empty appearances… You are capable of opting for a more modest and simple celebration in which love takes precedence over everything else” (AL, no. 212). If cost is a true obstacle, ask your parish priest for help. There may be people in your parish who can pitch in to make things more affordable, or perhaps another couple getting married around the same time with whom you could share the expense of decorations.

3. Choose your readings and prayers carefully and pay attention to the liturgy.

There’s a reason that the engaged couple chooses the readings and a number of the prayers in the Order of Celebrating Matrimony: the love that God has given you to share is the reason that you and your loved ones are together for this celebration. “In their preparation for marriage, the couple should be encouraged to make the liturgical celebration a profound personal experience and to appreciate the meaning of each of its signs” (AL, no. 213). Don’t rush through your choices, and discuss with each other what each reading means to you.

4. Choose lectors well, and give them some practice.

Generally an engaged couple can choose people to read the first reading, responsorial Psalm, and second reading, and to offer the Prayers of the Faithful. Because these moments of hearing Scripture and praying together are an important part of a faith-filled Catholic wedding, choose lectors who have read in church before, or who are comfortable speaking in public. Give them a copy of the reading and/or prayers well in advance and ask them to attend the wedding rehearsal so they can practice in the church. Make sure they understand the solemnity of the occasion.

5. Let the music at your wedding lift hearts to God.

Music during a Catholic wedding can add beauty and dignity to the ceremony, and also plays an important liturgical role. Parishes may have policies about what music can be used, so check with your pastor. The parish organist or music minister can help you choose songs and possibly provide musical talent, or connect you with a cantor and/or musicians. There are many beautiful songs that reflect God’s love, both instrumental classical pieces and songs that can be sung together by the entire congregation. Secular or pop music is best saved for the reception.

6. Show care to the needy.

Part of your vocation of marriage is helping those around you, including the poor. There are creative ways to do this on your very first day as husband and wife. You could include an intention in the Prayers of the Faithful for those who are struggling or in need. You could also omit wedding favors in order to give a donation to a local charity (you could announce this at your reception with a nice table display). Some couples invite their guests to bring a donation to a food bank, and set up a basket at the reception to collect them. The jewelry you buy and the gifts you register for can express care for the poor as well, as is explained here.

7. Remember what it is you are doing.

During the wedding, when there are quiet moments, take a deep breath and recollect that you are in God’s presence. When it is time for the exchange of consent, remember that this is the moment – the heart of the wedding. Pope Francis says, “In the case of two baptized persons, the commitment expressed by the words of consent and the bodily union that consummates the marriage can only be seen as signs of the covenantal love and union between the incarnate Son of God and his Church” (AL, no. 213). After you have exchanged your consent, you are married, and are a sign of God’s love for everyone else in the church!

8. Be attentive to all the signs at the wedding.

The wedding ceremony is full of signs and symbols: the processional, readings, rings, and so forth – all of these speak of the beauty of marriage and its permanence. The most eloquent symbol, in fact, is your union in love. Pope Francis says, “In the baptized, words and signs become an eloquent language of faith” (AL, no. 213). The liturgy that celebrates the marriage of two Christians speaks of a God of love who draws human beings into this love in a profound way. Try to listen and to see with the eyes of faith.

9. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

Now is the perfect time to start praying daily with your future spouse; wedding-planning stress gives ample opportunity to share your concerns with the Lord! A great way to incorporate prayer into wedding planning is by reading through the Scripture readings and prayer options for your wedding ceremony slowly, letting the words sink into your hearts. Another great idea is to host a Eucharistic Holy Hour the evening before your wedding for your bridal party and family; one newlywed couple explains how that worked for them. And remember to say a quick prayer – together or separately – on your wedding morning!

10. Above all, remember…the wedding is only the beginning!

Pope Francis encourages everyone in the Church to help couples live out married life. “They [young people] need to be encouraged to see the sacrament not as a single moment that then becomes a part of the past and its memories, but rather as a reality that permanently influences the whole of married life” (AL, no. 215). The Sunday after the wedding (and every Sunday!), be sure to come back to church and meet your community again, this time as husband and wife. And remember that the vows you say at your wedding day are all in the future tense (“I will”); they “involve a totality that includes the future: ‘until death do us part’” (AL, no. 214).

Rite of Marriage

The Catholic Church provides three different forms of celebrating the Rite of Marriage. When two Catholics are marrying, the celebration will normally take place within a Mass. The second form, which does not include a Mass, is used when a Catholic marries another baptized Christian. A third form, also outside Mass, is usually celebrated when a Catholic marries someone who is not baptized. The second and third forms are structured around the celebration of the Liturgy of the Word.

The couple chooses one of these options based on their particular circumstances in conversation with the priest or deacon who will witness the marriage vows. When a deacon leads the liturgy, which is increasingly common, the wedding is celebrated outside of Mass even when two Catholics marry.

This video explains more about the Rite of Marriage and what to expect at a Catholic wedding.

Biblical Roots of Marriage

Old Testament

According to Sacred Scripture, God instituted marriage as the pinnacle of creation. On the sixth day, in the first creation story, the Book of Genesis tells us: “God created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them, saying: ‘Be fertile and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it’” (Genesis 1: 27-28).

In the second creation story, God says that “it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him.” (Genesis 2:18). This suitable helpmate was formed from the very rib of man and thus woman was “flesh of his flesh” (Genesis 2:22-23).

Woman, then, is man’s equal in dignity and the one closest to his heart. Because man and woman were created for one another, “a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one flesh” (Genesis 2: 24). Scripture teaches that marriage is not a mere human institution, but something God established from the foundation of world.

Sin not only brought about a break with God, but it also ruptured the original communion between man and woman. Adam and Eve blamed each another for what had happened and were now embarrassed by their nakedness (Genesis 3:7-13). The Old Testament shows how sin affected the goodness of marriage. There is the polygamy of the patriarchs and kings. Moses allowed divorce because of the people’s “hardness of heart” (see Deuteronomy 24:1 and Matthew 19:8). Men and women did not treat one another with integrity, honor and love as God had intended. Nonetheless, while sin marred the goodness of marriage, it did not destroy it.

New Testament

Christians are new creations in Christ, healed of sin and its effects. Marriage is also recreated and made new in Christ. Jesus tells us that in the Kingdom of God the permanent union of husband and wife that God originally intended can once more be realized (see Matthew 19:6-11). By the grace of the Holy Spirit, husbands and wives can now truly love and honor one another. St. Paul tells us that marriage bears witness to the indissoluble love of Christ for his Church. Thus, husbands should love their wives, “even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her” (Ephesians 5:25-26). Wives, too, are called to love their husbands as the Church loves Christ (see Ephesians 5:22-23). The Old Testament also shows how God taught his people to revere once more the institution of marriage. God’s covenant with his people was an image of the exclusive and faithful love of husband and wife. The prophets helped the people see that God had not intended husband and wife to be separated (See Hosea 1-3; Isaiah 54 and 62; Jeremiah 2-3 and 31; Ezekiel 16 and 23; Malachi 2:13-17). The books of Ruth and Tobit bear witness to fidelity and tenderness within marriage. The Song of Solomon shows how the love of a man and a woman mirrors God’s love for his people.

Because marriage is placed within the saving mystery of Jesus Christ, Catholics recognize it as a sacrament. It is a means through which husbands and wives grow in love for one another and for their children, become holy and obtain eternal life.

For further reading:

Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1602-1617

Order of Celebrating Matrimony Without Mass

“The engaged couple…should be given catechesis not only about the Church’s teaching on Marriage and the family but also about the Sacrament and its rites, prayers, and readings, so that they may be able to celebrate it thoughtfully and fruitfully.” – Order of Celebrating Matrimony, no. 17

There are several reasons why a Catholic wedding would take place without a Mass: when a Catholic marries a baptized non-Catholic Christian (although such couples can request permission from the bishop to hold their wedding within Mass); when a significant number of wedding guests are not Catholic; or when a priest is not available. Either a priest or a deacon can use the Order of Celebrating Matrimony without Mass. Interchurch couples (a Catholic and a baptized Christian) might wish to talk with the priest or deacon about the participation of clergy from the non-Catholic party’s church. If the couple wishes to hold their wedding at the non-Catholic’s church, they need to receive permission from the bishop to do so in order for the marriage to be valid.

Marriage without a Mass is a valid Catholic wedding. It is also still a sacrament because the bride and groom are both baptized. (For the ceremony used when a Catholic marries an unbaptized person, see The Order of Celebrating Matrimony between a Catholic and a Catechumen or a Non-Christian.) The main difference is that there is no Liturgy of the Eucharist. Yet if two Catholics decide to use this form, and the ceremony is presided over by a deacon because a priest is not available for Mass, a Communion service may, under certain circumstances and in accord with the policy of the local diocese, be integrated into it.

The heart of the marriage ritual is found in two key moments: the Consent exchanged by the bride and groom, and the Nuptial Blessing given to the newly married couple. The consent is “the indispensable element that ‘makes the marriage’” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1626). In this moment, the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament to each other; the celebrant receives their consent in the name of the Church (see USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, p. 33). The beautiful Nuptial Blessing includes an invocation of the Holy Spirit, whom the Catechism describes as the “seal” of the new spouses’ covenant and “the ever-available source of their love and the strength to renew their fidelity” (no. 1624).

In addition to the Consent and the Nuptial Blessing, the Order of Celebrating Matrimony contains two other important elements. Before exchanging vows, the bride and groom are asked a series of questions, called the Questions before the Consent, to determine that each approaches marriage freely, intends a lifelong union, and is open to children and to rearing them “according to the law of Christ and his Church.” Then, after the exchange of vows, there is a Blessing and Giving of Rings. The spouses will wear the blessed rings as a sign of their covenant with each other and with God.

The structure of the ceremony for a Catholic wedding without Mass is outlined below, with various options in parentheses. Engaged couples are encouraged to work together with the celebrant (and perhaps the parish staff) to make their choices certain texts of the wedding, such as the Scripture readings, the Prayers of the Faithful, and the musical selections. This will help make the wedding liturgy “a profound personal experience” of “full, active and responsible participation” by the bride and groom (Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, no. 213; St. John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, no. 67).

Catholics marrying non-Catholic Christians may want to read the article Ecumenical and Interfaith Marriages for guidance on other aspects of preparation for their marriage.

A general outline for a Catholic wedding without Mass in the Latin Rite follows, based on the new edition of the Order of Celebrating Matrimony (mandatory to use in the United States as of December 30, 2016). Because there are many options to choose from and various circumstances that can affect the planning of a wedding ceremony, it is very important to work with the priest or deacon in arranging the service. Certain details might differ from what is outlined below.

The Introductory Rites

“The marriage liturgy is a unique event, which is both a family and a community celebration. The first signs of Jesus were performed at the wedding feast of Cana. The good wine, resulting from the Lord’s miracle that brought joy to the beginning of a new family, is the new wine of Christ’s covenant with the men and women of every age.” – Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, no. 216

Welcome of the bride and bridegroom by the minister and procession into the church (the welcome can take place at the door of the church or at the altar, depending on the style of procession chosen)
Greeting of the couple and congregation by the minister
Collect / Opening prayer (six versions to choose from)

The Liturgy of the Word

In the Liturgy of the Word “are expressed the importance of Christian Marriage in the history of salvation and the responsibilities and duties of Marriage to be attended to for the sanctification of the spouses and of their children.” – Order of Celebrating Matrimony, no. 35

Note: There may be two or three readings plus the Responsorial Psalm, and at least one of them must explicitly speak of marriage.

Old Testament Scripture Reading (nine options; if it is the Easter season, a reading from the Book of Revelation should be chosen instead)
Responsorial Psalm (seven options; many composers have set them to music)
New Testament Scripture Reading (fourteen options)
Gospel Acclamation
Gospel (ten options)
Homily based on the Scriptures, Church teaching on marriage, and the individual couple

The Celebration of Matrimony

“It needs to be stressed that these words [of consent] cannot be reduced to the present; the involve a totality that includes the future: ‘until death do us part.’” – Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, no. 214

“The consent by which the spouses mutually give and receive one another is sealed by God himself.” – Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 1639

Address to the couple by the minister
The Questions before the Consent
The Consent (two versions of the vows to choose from, and the couple can either say the words themselves or respond “I do” to the vows posed as a question by the minister)
The Reception of the Consent by the minister
The Blessing and Giving of Rings (three versions of the prayer to choose from)
Optional: The Blessing and Giving of the Arras, a tradition important in Hispanic and Filipino families
Optional: a hymn or canticle of praise may be sung
The Universal Prayer / Prayers of the Faithful (two examples provided in the liturgical text; couples can also work with the minister to write their own)

If Holy Communion is not to be distributed (which is usually the case), the ceremony continues:

The Lord’s Prayer
Optional: The Blessing and Placing of the Lazo or the Veil, a tradition important in Hispanic and Filipino families
The Nuptial Blessing (three versions to choose from)
Blessing of the newly married couple and the congregation
Dismissal
Recessional (a hymn could be sung, or instrumental music could be played)

But if Holy Communion is to be distributed, the ceremony continues:

Optional: The Blessing and Placing of the Lazo or the Veil, a tradition important in Hispanic and Filipino families
The Nuptial Blessing (three versions to choose from)
The Lord’s Prayer
The Sign of Peace
Distribution of Holy Communion (an appropriate Communion song should be sung)
Solemn or Simple Blessing of the newly married couple and the congregation
Dismissal
Recessional (a hymn could be sung, or instrumental music could be played)AA

Note: after the ceremony, the witnesses (usually the best man and maid of honor) and priest or deacon sign the Marriage record in the vesting room or in the presence of the people, but not on the altar.