Tag Archives: Real Life Stories

Interfering In-Laws

The Situation

Karen and Bill have been married for two years. They get along well, except for the visits from Bill’s parents. His dad is a fine person and easy to have around. Bill’s mother, Helen, is the problem.

Helen is a super housekeeper. At Helen’s house there is never a scrap of paper where it shouldn’t be or a dust ball anywhere. Her windows shine, her appliances shine – the house and everything in it could be brand new.

Karen and Bill share the housekeeping in their apartment, but they both work full time and enjoy having a chance to kick back when they are not working. Mail does pile up, and sometimes there are dirty dishes in the sink. So when Bill’s folks are coming, they go into high gear cleaning up. But no matter how much they clean, Helen always finds something that needs her attention when she arrives.

Karen’s frustration has been mounting over the years of their marriage, so this last time, she set out to make things spotless. She even enlisted the help of her friend, Sue. The two of them spent the Thursday night before Helen’s weekend visit cleaning – four hours of vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing and waxing. Karen was sure Helen would have nothing to clean this time! But sure enough, she had missed the pipes behind the sink in the bathroom, and the kitchen trashcan had some coffee stains inside.

Karen was so frustrated she couldn’t enjoy the visit, and when Helen left she cried to Bill, “Why can’t she just come and visit? Nothing I do is enough!” Bill’s answer was, “Oh honey, that’s just how mom is. She doesn’t mean anything by it.” Karen still feels frustrated in meeting the impossible standards of her mother-in-law. What can Karen and Bill do?

A Response

Although cleaning may not be the in-law issue you personally deal with, it reflects one of the many ways interference by in-laws can bring tension to a marriage. Strategies for addressing interference from outsiders, however, remain the same:

Abandon the ketchup bottle

In talking about conflictual situations, couples sometimes use the “ketchup bottle” approach. You know, when you can’t get the top off the ketchup so you just try harder? Usually you have to try something new before it opens. If Karen thinks cleaning for six hours next time will do the trick, she’ll likely end up even more frustrated.

Put yourself in the other’s shoes

Karen needs to try to figure out why Helen is so determined to find things to clean. Maybe she feels awkward sitting around with no tasks to do. Maybe she’s been praised for her cleaning ability and feels it’s her only talent and wants to make sure everyone knows it. Maybe she knows that Bill and Karen have to clean after working 40-hour weeks so she wants to help out when she’s around.

Without asking Helen, we won’t know what her motivation is, but trying to understand what’s driving her may make it feel less like a competition.

Talk with your spouse about it

Karen probably wants to talk to Bill about her feelings – not to complain about his mother, but to brainstorm solutions. That will make it feel like a problem they share, rather than an issue that comes between them.

A hint for the interferer

If you are reading this and identify with Helen, you may want to ask yourself why you are cleaning Karen and Bill’s house. You may feel critical of Karen as a housekeeper, but there are other ways to share your expertise. Maybe you could share time-saving tips you have discovered over your years of housekeeping. The last thing you want is to cause problems between Bill and Karen. Nobody wins if the young couple is unhappy. If your motive is to give them a hand because of their busy lives, then you need to offer your help directly, and ask if there is a particular project they could use help with.

A hint for the supportive spouse

If you are Bill, then you need to listen to Karen’s frustration and, without condemning your mother, try to help Karen figure out why your mom is behaving in this way. Your first job is to support Karen and listen to her feelings. You may need to have a conversation with your mother along the lines of “Mom, Karen and I split the household tasks, and when you come and start cleaning it makes us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We’d appreciate your suggestions, but when you and dad come we’d like to have fun with you.”

Underlying principles

There’s not one right solution to in-law dilemmas, but there are some underlying principles:

  • Couple unity has priority over other relationships.
  • If something needs to be said it should come from the child to his or her parent, not from in-law to in-law.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development. Kathy and her husband, Steve, live in Portland, ME.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Marriage and a Special Needs Child

Carolyn called me through the Pastoral Solutions Institute to discuss her marriage to Tom.

“We were like a lot of couples. It used to be hard to find time for each other what with work and the boys, but when our Jimmy was diagnosed with profound autism, it was like a bomb went off. Tom just withdrew into work and all my time was taken up taking Jimmy from one doctor to another and trying to keep my other kids’ lives as normal as possible. All of a sudden, the little bit of time Tom and I had was totally gone. Between that and how resentful I feel toward him for leaving everything to me, the tension is terrible. I don’t know where to begin.”

Carolyn and Tom are like a lot of families with children who have special needs. According to some research, the divorce rate for couples with special-needs kids hovers around 80 percent. More hopefully, however, other studies indicate that 18 percent of these couples in this situation say their children have brought them closer together. What’s the difference between the couples who rise to the challenge and those who don’t? Here are some tips.

The challenges of raising a special-needs child can become a blessing.

  • You’re in it together. Under any circumstances, a couple needs to be a team, but this is rarely as true as when a couple is confronted by the challenges that can come with raising a special-needs child. But the challenges can become a blessing if the couple responds to each challenge together. The research is consistent that the marital problems couples may experience in this situation are not so much caused by the time and effort it takes to attend to the child’s needs, but rather from the tendency for couples to retreat into themselves and stop communicating with one another.
  • Make time to pray together and communicate about schedules, feelings and needs. Be sure to find simple ways to take care of each other. Little actions like saying, “I love you,” calling from work to check-in, and thoughtful gestures that communicate your appreciation for each other are critical to keep up morale and marital rapport. It doesn’t have to take a lot of effort, just thoughtfulness. Making a “love list,” in which you and your mate identify simple ways to attend to each other, can give you ideas for the days you are so busy you can’t even think. (See my book: For Better… FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage for more details).
  • Deal honestly with your frustrations. Sometimes parents struggle because their feelings of intense love for their children become intensely complicated with frustration, exhaustion, irritation, resentment over the care that is required of them, as well as guilt for feeling anything negative about their child, for whom they would happily give their lives even on their worst day. These negative feelings usually pass soon enough, but couples can help each other manage these emotions by being willing to express them to each other, tolerate them from each other, and nurture each other through those difficult reactions and help each other get back on line. It can be frightening to confess these negative feelings to each other, and it can be tempting to want to shut down your mate when they are expressing their frustrations (even when you feel similarly). But couples who find the courage to confess and listen, are the couples who rise to the challenges because of each other’s support and love.
  • Take time for each other. Every couple needs time alone, but it is critical for the parents of a special-needs child who need time to process their stress and reconnect. Getting this time can be difficult because finding competent childcare can be a challenge, especially if the child’s disability is serious. But even when date nights out are impossible, it is essential that a couple at least carve out some time at home where they can be alone to play, pray, talk, and be intimate with each other. Studies consistently show that people who deal with stress by reaching out, instead of pulling in, can learn to thrive despite–or even because of–their challenging circumstances. Cling to each other in good times and bad.
  • Get assistance and support. Make a list of the support and resources you feel you need to help your child achieve his or her potential, and to help your marriage and family function at its absolute best. Even if you think it is impossible to meet some of these needs, write them down. Then, don’t be shy about telling everyone you know about these needs– regularly. As Christians we are privileged to be part of a community that is obliged to respond to one another in generosity and love. Don’t feel that you are burdening others with your requests for babysitting, housekeeping help, respite or support. Renounce the pride that tells you that you shouldn’t trouble other people with your problems or needs. Give others the gift of allowing them to be a gift to you.
  • Seek help quickly. When you are travelling down the road of raising a special-needs child, you can’t afford a breakdown. Seek assistance at the first sign that you are experience a spiritual, emotional, or relational problem that you aren’t sure how to get through on your own. Most disabilities have national organizations dedicated to researching treatments and supporting families. Contact them early, and become involved in your local chapter and any support groups, social outlets or advocacy opportunities they offer.

Additionally, make sure that you are getting regular spiritual direction, and even if your family is doing well, strike up a relationship with a counselor you can trust so that if you need an answer to a quick parenting question or require a marital adjustment, you don’t have to spend weeks looking for competent help. Prior planning helps assure that help will be available right when you need it.

About the author
Dr. Gregory Popcak is the author of eight books integrating the Catholic faith and psychology. He is the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization that provides counseling and other services to couples, families, and individuals.

© The Couple to Couple League International, Inc. P.O. Box 111184, Cincinnati, OH 45211-1184. Used with permission.

Editor’s note: The Catholic Church observes October as Respect Life Month. There are many ways to promote and protect life; the above article focuses on one. For more information visit the Respect Life website.