Tag Archives: Overcoming Adversity

Missing in Action

We all miss our husbands for various reasons. Admittedly, I forget Devin is even gone thanks to the all-consuming demands of my three children. Averaging, daily, 18 diapers and 8 outfits, 2 loads of laundry, 9 meals/snacks, one load of dishes as well as the inherent demands of nursing, I hardly have time for personal hygiene!

But last Sunday, when sitting contemplatively at Church and relishing every nanosecond of alone time, I was momentarily taken aback by an awakening breeze saturated with cologne from a man briskly walking past my aisle. Because I don’t get out much nor associate with anyone outside my estrogen circle of friends, I abruptly remembered what those masculine, knuckle-scraping, virile creatures were like (and wow did I miss them…I mean him)!

Before children, I remember feeling starved from never being ‘touched’ throughout a deployment. I longed for a simple hug or physical connection that reminded me I was more than a job-commuting and gym-frequenting being. It got to the point that I wouldn’t mind if my ‘personal space’ was comfortably invaded in crowds because I felt that if no one shook my hand or accidentally bumped into me I could seriously pass the entire deployment without ever having physical contact. (Considering the physical beings that guys are, no wonder our husbands grope each other ‘comically’ and wrestle around to “burn energy”).

Beyond the physical absence, I miss my husband’s daily encouragement and support most. After the kids go to sleep we would eat dinner together and rehash the day. Between recounting the number of temper tantrums abated by distraction and furniture claimed as their own personal Mt. Everest, he would always smile and shake his head in relief that his job was the less stressful one of flying and being shot at!

I have always viewed marriage as having someone bear witness to my life. It is not a means to validate me or give me meaning- but someone to share in the joys and take over where I leave off when times are tough. Though I have three young children, I’m still relatively new to this role as mom. I have embraced the fulfillment children bring as well as the challenges. However, I still struggle with this new identity as my kids’ mom rather than Christi Crovato the once informed and engaging (or so I’d like to think) girl on all things political. These days I need more encouragement regarding my parenting skills than I need help with the lawn (though that would be nice too). I think we can all agree that email and the phone just don’t cut it. The authenticity of encouragement seems to be lacking when words have to be generic enough to blanket and appease all the nuances your hormonal and realistic emotions entail. I want him to tell me I’m doing a great job as a mom and believe him. Because honestly, when heard from a distance, it feels like a film critic giving two thumbs up for a movie he has not seen.

Whatever your current challenge is, we look to our husbands to weigh in and respond with insight. I don’t hold my breath for any earth shattering epiphanies from Devin-but his physical presence often is enough to provide me with the comfort and support I seek. As much as I may feel that I need him, I realize that he is the one missing out the most: Declan’s mischievous grins and bear hugs, Emeline’s mountaineering skills and pick-me-up arms and Mary Kate’s big fat dimples.

Now that most of us have established new networks of support, let’s remember to be that source of counsel and comfort for others. Let’s be the one who rallies and heartens those around her whether you think they need it or not-because in all honesty we always need encouragement, especially when our husbands are missing in action.

About the author 
Christi Crovato lives in Oceanside, CA with her three small children. Her husband is a Marine Corps helicopter pilot currently on his 5th deployment.

In Sickness and In Health

We had been engaged for 13 months, with 22 days until the big day, when Matt, at age 23, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We could never have predicted this, with no history in the family and no smoking, but it wasn’t necessary. God was in control, our souls were flooded with peace, and the last 10 months have been nothing less than miraculous.

Matt had major surgery before we headed home from D.C. to Texas for our wedding, and four days after the wedding he had a second operation. Matt came home with some pretty awesome scars and a definitive diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. In the midst of the challenge, the Body of Christ overwhelmed us with love, support and an overabundant dose of prayers.

Along with the diagnosis of lung cancer came questions of chemotherapy and babies. We wanted lots of children, as many as God would bless us with. Our doctors advised us differently. We were asked multiple times if we would like to put sperm in a sperm bank in case the chemotherapy made Matt infertile. Most people on chemotherapy become infertile, and when the therapy is finished there is a 50% chance that it will be permanent. With no discussion needed, we told the doctor this was not an option. One of my greatest longings has been to be a mother, and as it is presented so wonderfully in Psalm 21, “You have granted him his heart’s desire; you did not refuse the prayer of his lips.” On February 16th we found out that we were pregnant. Matt is still going through treatment, and the Lord is abundantly good.

We write this as an encouragement to those who face adversity in their marriage. We can’t express enough the graces that are reaped through the Sacrament. The Lord has granted us many spiritual friends who, though we have never met them, pray for us daily. Through the sacrament and these loving prayers we are able to take our lives one day at a time, not worrying about the things that are to come, but focusing on loving: today, right now, every minute.

When we took our vows on June 24, 2006 we meant every word we said: “I, Matthew, take you, Lucy, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” And in turn: “I, Lucy, take you, Matthew, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

Caring for Children While You Care for Aging Parents

If you’re a member of the “sandwich generation,” taking care of your aging parent as well as your children, it’s hard to shake the feeling that if you focus on one generation you’re losing sight of the needs of the other.

It can help to remember that your taking care of your parent is good for your children, too. How so?

You’re right that your kids also make a sacrifice because you can’t be around as much as the they would like you to be and, most likely, they have to do more–become more responsible–because you can’t be there. (Maybe they have to make their own lunch to take to school. Or you can’t be a chaperone at some school event even though you were able to do that a year or so ago.)

Yes, in some ways a child is being deprived of what a parent might be able to give if he or she didn’t have caregiving obligations to an older family member (or to a spouse who is ill or to a child with special needs). From another perspective, Mom or Dad is giving something to that child or those children that he or she otherwise couldn’t give. We mean a front-row view of love in action without any possibility of mistaking the unchangeable fact that true love demands service and sacrifice.

Still . . . it can be a lot to put on little shoulders. All they may see at first glance is that Mom or Dad isn’t there (or is there but is exhausted from caregiving and holding down a job) and they miss not just what that parent does for them (nice meals, rides to practice and so on) but also that person himself or herself. They miss time spent together. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re taking care of an aging parent and your children:

  • Talk about caregiving at a time when neither you nor your child are tired and emotions are not running high.
  • Do something special with each child, one-on one.
  • Explain what it’s like to be a care-receiver, how it can be hard to accept help. Talk about why you’re taking care of Grandpa or Grandma and explain, in an age-appropriate way, what his or her condition is.
  • Work at establishing a link between your children and your parent. Let them have some time together.
  • Remember children can, in small ways, help with caregiving, too.
  • Teach what respectful care means and explain the difference between “dignity” and “dignified.” Yes, at times, a situation may be less than “dignified” but a person must be treated with dignity.
  • Remember to thank the child for making sacrifices and for helping you help your mother or father.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

The Sandwich Generation

The “sandwich generation” is a good description. There’s pressure from both sides and sometimes it gets messy in the middle. That’s what it can feel like if you’re taking care of your children as well as your aging parent.

Add in a spouse and a job and it’s no wonder it often seems a twenty-four-hour day and seven-day week just aren’t enough for all you have to do.

Then, too, from the time all of us were little we were taught there is a right way and a wrong way to accomplish a task. Maybe your parent took care of Grandma or Grandpa. Your spouse took care of your mother- or father-in-law. Your friends or co-workers seem to be able to handle their situations. But you . . . .

When you realize you can’t do all the things you’re supposed to do–all the things other people have done or are doing–you feel inadequate and even guilty.

You think you’re letting everyone down. If you just worked a little harder, slept a little less, sacrificed a little more. . .

If you find yourself in that situation, or feel yourself sinking into it, these suggestions might help:

  • Remember there is no single right way to do this. Trying to exactly mimic what another person has done probably isn’t going to work. Each case is unique because the personalities and problems in each case are unique.
  • If you don’t take care of yourself–take time to eat, sleep, catch your breath and pray–you will burn out quickly and be of little use to anyone, including yourself. The situation in which you find yourself is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Yes, someday it will end but that may be a long, long time from now. In the meantime, if you do not pace yourself, sometimes even pamper yourself, you won’t be able to keep going. That’s not because you’re weak, it’s because you’re human.
  • The big picture can look and feel overwhelming. Sometimes it helps to break it down into the many tiny pieces that make up the whole. What you have to do for your parent, your children, your spouse, your job and yourself. The lists may be long but somehow no single item is overpowering.
  • Prioritize your tasks. Making those lists helps. Obviously, getting Mom to her doctor’s appointment is more important than vacuuming her apartment.
  • Give away some of the low-priority duties. Someone else can be hired to do the apartment cleaning. Someone else–the bakery department at the local grocery store–can supply the brownies you’re supposed to send to the next Cub Scout den meeting.
  • Get support for yourself. Groups for caregivers and organizations that focus on your parent’s particular illness or condition can help you deal with what you are facing. Doctors, social workers and the Area Agency on Aging can give you local contacts.
  • Write it down: dates and schedules and all that information from doctors, therapists, pharmacists, teachers, coaches, your boss, your spouse, your kids . . . . There’s no way a person can remember all the things you need to remember.

It may seem the day is completely packed but if you jot down your own “to do” list, you may discover there’s half an hour free here or there. A little oasis like that gives you something to look forward to. It’s a short break to partially recharge your batteries before you have to go, go, go again.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

When You’re Married to the Caregiver

If you’re the husband or wife of an adult child who is taking care of an aging parent, it can seem that no matter what you say or do, it’s the wrong thing.

Suddenly you may find yourself an outsider as the immediate family circle closes ranks.

You may feel tremendously frustrated about your powerlessness. You cannot make everything all right; you cannot stop the pain your spouse is feeling.

Here are a few suggestions to consider that may make this time easier:

  • Remember that the relationship you have with your in-laws is not the same as the one your husband or wife has. This is simply human nature. No matter how close you may have become to your mother- or father-in-law, your experience is not the same as your spouse’s. While you may feel the two of you are doing more than enough to help, your spouse may not feel that way at all.
  • Understand that every immediate family has its own little quirks–good or bad. Maybe Dad has always had a short fuse. Maybe Mom has never been able to relax if there was one speck of dust on one stick of furniture. Maybe family members never talk to one another, they yell. Maybe they never yell . . . or talk. Whatever those characteristics, they may be intensified under the present, stressful circumstances.
  • Don’t take it personally if you are suddenly outside the loop. Perhaps no one really wants to hear your opinion because this is a “family” matter. At the same time, you may very well be affected by the decisions being made by your spouse and the other siblings. It’s not uncommon that several sons will decide what’s best for Mom or Dad but it is the daughters-in-law who end up providing almost all the care. Then, too, the opposite may occur. Your spouse’s siblings are no help and so it is up to your spouse and you to do everything.
  • Know that sometimes you will become the target for your spouse’s emotions, including anger, fear, sadness, frustration and guilt. Again, try not to take it personally. Most likely it’s not really meant for you but for something else: the disease or medical problem that is taking the life of your spouse’s parent, the pain and, ultimately, death.
  • Remember that while it may seem this situation has been going on forever and it will never end, it is temporary. It will end.

In the meantime, you may feel somewhat neglected, but remember, your spouse is being pulled in many different directions: aging parent, you, the children, the job. This is a time when he or she especially needs your help and your understanding.

A spouse also needs to hear, “You’re doing a good job helping your parent but you can’t do everything.” It’s hard to hear that. It has to be said gently over and over again.

It can seem pretty obvious to you that your spouse has assumed a new role as caregiver to an aging parent. What you need to remember is that during this time, you, too, have a new, special and vital role as well: Taking care of the caregiver, supporting the caregiver, consoling the caregiver and loving the caregiver.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

Interfering In-Laws

The Situation

Karen and Bill have been married for two years. They get along well, except for the visits from Bill’s parents. His dad is a fine person and easy to have around. Bill’s mother, Helen, is the problem.

Helen is a super housekeeper. At Helen’s house there is never a scrap of paper where it shouldn’t be or a dust ball anywhere. Her windows shine, her appliances shine – the house and everything in it could be brand new.

Karen and Bill share the housekeeping in their apartment, but they both work full time and enjoy having a chance to kick back when they are not working. Mail does pile up, and sometimes there are dirty dishes in the sink. So when Bill’s folks are coming, they go into high gear cleaning up. But no matter how much they clean, Helen always finds something that needs her attention when she arrives.

Karen’s frustration has been mounting over the years of their marriage, so this last time, she set out to make things spotless. She even enlisted the help of her friend, Sue. The two of them spent the Thursday night before Helen’s weekend visit cleaning – four hours of vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing and waxing. Karen was sure Helen would have nothing to clean this time! But sure enough, she had missed the pipes behind the sink in the bathroom, and the kitchen trashcan had some coffee stains inside.

Karen was so frustrated she couldn’t enjoy the visit, and when Helen left she cried to Bill, “Why can’t she just come and visit? Nothing I do is enough!” Bill’s answer was, “Oh honey, that’s just how mom is. She doesn’t mean anything by it.” Karen still feels frustrated in meeting the impossible standards of her mother-in-law. What can Karen and Bill do?

A Response

Although cleaning may not be the in-law issue you personally deal with, it reflects one of the many ways interference by in-laws can bring tension to a marriage. Strategies for addressing interference from outsiders, however, remain the same:

Abandon the ketchup bottle

In talking about conflictual situations, couples sometimes use the “ketchup bottle” approach. You know, when you can’t get the top off the ketchup so you just try harder? Usually you have to try something new before it opens. If Karen thinks cleaning for six hours next time will do the trick, she’ll likely end up even more frustrated.

Put yourself in the other’s shoes

Karen needs to try to figure out why Helen is so determined to find things to clean. Maybe she feels awkward sitting around with no tasks to do. Maybe she’s been praised for her cleaning ability and feels it’s her only talent and wants to make sure everyone knows it. Maybe she knows that Bill and Karen have to clean after working 40-hour weeks so she wants to help out when she’s around.

Without asking Helen, we won’t know what her motivation is, but trying to understand what’s driving her may make it feel less like a competition.

Talk with your spouse about it

Karen probably wants to talk to Bill about her feelings – not to complain about his mother, but to brainstorm solutions. That will make it feel like a problem they share, rather than an issue that comes between them.

A hint for the interferer

If you are reading this and identify with Helen, you may want to ask yourself why you are cleaning Karen and Bill’s house. You may feel critical of Karen as a housekeeper, but there are other ways to share your expertise. Maybe you could share time-saving tips you have discovered over your years of housekeeping. The last thing you want is to cause problems between Bill and Karen. Nobody wins if the young couple is unhappy. If your motive is to give them a hand because of their busy lives, then you need to offer your help directly, and ask if there is a particular project they could use help with.

A hint for the supportive spouse

If you are Bill, then you need to listen to Karen’s frustration and, without condemning your mother, try to help Karen figure out why your mom is behaving in this way. Your first job is to support Karen and listen to her feelings. You may need to have a conversation with your mother along the lines of “Mom, Karen and I split the household tasks, and when you come and start cleaning it makes us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We’d appreciate your suggestions, but when you and dad come we’d like to have fun with you.”

Underlying principles

There’s not one right solution to in-law dilemmas, but there are some underlying principles:

  • Couple unity has priority over other relationships.
  • If something needs to be said it should come from the child to his or her parent, not from in-law to in-law.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development. Kathy and her husband, Steve, live in Portland, ME.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

The Empty Nest

The Situation

Tom and Maribeth are college sweethearts married 29 years. They feel they have a stable marriage that has involved raising four children. It has been a wild ride of parenthood with a few hair-raising experiences. Still, they both agree that all four have been successfully launched into adulthood. And now that their youngest has recently married, they are truly an “empty nest” marriage, not just the “shifting nest” of college years and a few years beyond.

The couple has been very involved parents from the moment their first child was born after two years of marriage. Life with four children was busy and parenting was often emotionally draining and exhausting. Many days they found themselves waving goodbye to each other as they split up to take the children to their separate events and activities. They seemed to never have enough time for each other and would talk yearningly about how things would be when the kids were grown and they were simply a couple again.

Now that time has come. To their surprise Tom and Maribeth aren’t sure just how to begin living it. They have devoted so much of themselves to raising a family, and much of their communication has been directed to that end. They find themselves experiencing a strange emptiness in their daily lives and even feel uncomfortable in their conversations together. They both are deeply committed to each other but aren’t sure just what the “good life” of being a twosome again will be for them.

A Response

No wonder Tom and Maribeth are feeling unsettled and out of balance. They are transitioning from one life cycle stage of their marriage to another major stage that involves new challenges as well as new adventure. This isn’t the first life cycle change they have experienced in their marriage. They have journeyed together through the newly married stage, first child stage, elementary school and adolescent stages, and the launching stage of beginning to see their children as adults. Each stage involves developmental, emotional, and spiritual tasks that take gradual readjustments.

Indeed, the couple has already renegotiated several new marriage relationships through these various life cycle changes. Each time, they have adjusted their roles and learned new skills as they moved into the unknown future of the next stage. Since they are facing change, they will feel unsteady and possibly tend to resist it, even if unconsciously. The more they understand how to navigate the predictable changes of this next stage, the easier it will be for them to make a smooth transition together.

Reconnecting

In the best of situations, it is a challenge for married couples to stay in tune with each other in the midst of parenting tasks and responsibilities. Their communication style can suffer as they concentrate on daily busyness and fail to connect on a level of intimate friendship. Taking time daily to talk about each person’s ups and downs of the day is a good beginning. Some couples develop a habit of a daily walk together. Others sit on the patio after work. When partners communicate on a vulnerable level, sharing their important thoughts and feelings regularly, they reconnect and bonding occurs.

Redefining the Relationship

Sometimes a marriage has been too child-centered to the detriment of the couple relationship. It is important for couples entering any stage of marriage to commit to keeping the relationship “partner-centered.” In a “we-centered” marriage, the couple’s love relationship is central in their daily lives. This allows their love to flow outwards to their children and others. The Church makes it clear that couples are called to love one another in an extraordinary fashion. A good way to begin redefining the marriage is to reread your wedding vows to one another.

Reinvesting in New Growth

Allowing oneself to grieve the loss of particular roles enjoyed during parenting years is a healthy start to new growth. Discussing openly the strengths and limitations of the relationship and setting new goals together is also helpful. Letting go of old hurts and resentments is a necessary step towards growing healthier and holier in the marriage. Sometimes professional help may be needed.

Empty Nest couples, like Tom and Maribeth, are called to new choices, more freedoms, and new ways of loving each other in this grace filled stage of marriage. An excellent book for empty nesters is The Second Half of Marriage by David and Claudia Arp.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Give Your Kids a Life: Keep Them Off Drugs

There’s been a big change in peoples’ attitudes about using marijuana, and it’s a change that may affect parents all over America. One recent poll discovered that 46 percent of Americans support legalizing small amounts for personal use. That’s more than twice the percentage the pollsters found 12 years ago when they last asked the same question. By early 2009, 13 states had legalized marijuana sales to people with doctors’ prescriptions, and the U.S. Justice Department recently announced that it would no longer conduct raids on distributors of medical marijuana in those states.

What does this trend mean for parents? If the nation’s drug laws are eased, if law enforcement pulls back, that will shift most of the responsibility for keeping kids off drugs to parents.

It’s been said that fighting drug use is a three-legged stool: prevention programs to caution kids about experimenting with drugs; law enforcement programs to stop the sale of drugs; and treatment programs to help those who fall through the cracks. If drug enforcement laws are repealed, that will leave it up to prevention and treatment. And when it comes to drug use, there’s an old saying that is true in so many areas of life: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

One father, a magazine editor, discovered the truth in that old saying when his son, Nic, started using marijuana at 12 years old and then graduated to powdered and crack cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, and to what became his favorite drug, crystal methamphetamine. In 2005, the father, David Sheff, wrote a best-selling book, Beautiful Boy, about the effects of Nic’s drug use and his frequent attempts at rehabilitation and subsequent relapses.

Nic Sheff recently told CNN that fourteen years after first experimenting with pot, he’s still trying to beat his addiction to methamphetamine. “I am isolated, alone, disgusted with everything and, most especially, myself,” he said, adding that he suffered from “bouts of wanting to throw myself off a tall building.”

The Sheff’s stories are a good object lesson for parents with kids who are coming of age. The bad news is that kids start early today. Twenty percent of kids have experimented with illegal drugs by the eighth grade; by the time they reach the twelfth grade, roughly half of all kids have used illegal drugs.

The important years are the teen years. The good news is that if you can keep your kids off drugs until they are 21, you are virtually assured that they will never use them. That means that kids are at risk for almost an entire decade, and most of those years are spent home with the family.

If your kids reach 21 without using drugs, they will have had the opportunity to spend the most important years of their lives preparing for productive work and for building the kind of character they will need to lead their own families. On the other hand, if your kids slip into drug addiction, there’s a good chance they will spend the most important years of their lives, like Nic Sheff, in and out of drug treatment, focused on merely staying clean rather than preparing for life.

What can you do to keep your kids off drugs? When it comes to drugs, you may think that the main influences on kids are the movies they see, the songs they hear, and the friends they keep. There’s some truth in that. But surveys show that you are the most the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs.

A 2002 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that many parents thought they had little influence in steering their kids away from drugs. But the teens themselves told the researchers otherwise. In a 2000 survey, for example, the Center had found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help? Here are two suggestions that should guide your efforts. The first suggestion is to become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. If half the kids in twelfth grade have experimented with drugs, your kids are in effect surrounded by the drug culture.

How do you find solid information you can use to talk with your kids about drugs? There are two good places to start. One is The Partnership for a Drug-Free America, a private group of communications professionals dedicated to helping teens reject drug abuse. Another is the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, which features links to web sites that offer good advice and information.

The second suggestion is to discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. The best place to discuss the subject is the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids. The dinner table is often the one occasion each day that brings together the whole family. The Center at Columbia found that teens who ate family dinners infrequently were three times more likely to use marijuana than those who had family dinners five or more times a week.

How do you bring up the issue? There are many things that can be used to initiate a conversation, such as drug-related incidents that happen at school, pop stars who enter rehab, or news accounts of accidents involving drugs.

How responsible are you for the decisions your teenage kids make? David Sheff looked back on his son’s addictions and wondered what more he could have done to keep his son away from drugs. Drug counselors, he said, tell parents that it’s not their fault. “But who among us,” he wrote, “doesn’t believe that we could have done something differently that would have helped?”

In the end, what counts will be the decisions your kids make. But if you choose to make the commitment of time and energy it takes to influence that important decision, you will have done all you can do to help your kids find their way to happy, productive, drug-free lives.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.

Marriage and a Special Needs Child

Carolyn called me through the Pastoral Solutions Institute to discuss her marriage to Tom.

“We were like a lot of couples. It used to be hard to find time for each other what with work and the boys, but when our Jimmy was diagnosed with profound autism, it was like a bomb went off. Tom just withdrew into work and all my time was taken up taking Jimmy from one doctor to another and trying to keep my other kids’ lives as normal as possible. All of a sudden, the little bit of time Tom and I had was totally gone. Between that and how resentful I feel toward him for leaving everything to me, the tension is terrible. I don’t know where to begin.”

Carolyn and Tom are like a lot of families with children who have special needs. According to some research, the divorce rate for couples with special-needs kids hovers around 80 percent. More hopefully, however, other studies indicate that 18 percent of these couples in this situation say their children have brought them closer together. What’s the difference between the couples who rise to the challenge and those who don’t? Here are some tips.

The challenges of raising a special-needs child can become a blessing.

  • You’re in it together. Under any circumstances, a couple needs to be a team, but this is rarely as true as when a couple is confronted by the challenges that can come with raising a special-needs child. But the challenges can become a blessing if the couple responds to each challenge together. The research is consistent that the marital problems couples may experience in this situation are not so much caused by the time and effort it takes to attend to the child’s needs, but rather from the tendency for couples to retreat into themselves and stop communicating with one another.
  • Make time to pray together and communicate about schedules, feelings and needs. Be sure to find simple ways to take care of each other. Little actions like saying, “I love you,” calling from work to check-in, and thoughtful gestures that communicate your appreciation for each other are critical to keep up morale and marital rapport. It doesn’t have to take a lot of effort, just thoughtfulness. Making a “love list,” in which you and your mate identify simple ways to attend to each other, can give you ideas for the days you are so busy you can’t even think. (See my book: For Better… FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage for more details).
  • Deal honestly with your frustrations. Sometimes parents struggle because their feelings of intense love for their children become intensely complicated with frustration, exhaustion, irritation, resentment over the care that is required of them, as well as guilt for feeling anything negative about their child, for whom they would happily give their lives even on their worst day. These negative feelings usually pass soon enough, but couples can help each other manage these emotions by being willing to express them to each other, tolerate them from each other, and nurture each other through those difficult reactions and help each other get back on line. It can be frightening to confess these negative feelings to each other, and it can be tempting to want to shut down your mate when they are expressing their frustrations (even when you feel similarly). But couples who find the courage to confess and listen, are the couples who rise to the challenges because of each other’s support and love.
  • Take time for each other. Every couple needs time alone, but it is critical for the parents of a special-needs child who need time to process their stress and reconnect. Getting this time can be difficult because finding competent childcare can be a challenge, especially if the child’s disability is serious. But even when date nights out are impossible, it is essential that a couple at least carve out some time at home where they can be alone to play, pray, talk, and be intimate with each other. Studies consistently show that people who deal with stress by reaching out, instead of pulling in, can learn to thrive despite–or even because of–their challenging circumstances. Cling to each other in good times and bad.
  • Get assistance and support. Make a list of the support and resources you feel you need to help your child achieve his or her potential, and to help your marriage and family function at its absolute best. Even if you think it is impossible to meet some of these needs, write them down. Then, don’t be shy about telling everyone you know about these needs– regularly. As Christians we are privileged to be part of a community that is obliged to respond to one another in generosity and love. Don’t feel that you are burdening others with your requests for babysitting, housekeeping help, respite or support. Renounce the pride that tells you that you shouldn’t trouble other people with your problems or needs. Give others the gift of allowing them to be a gift to you.
  • Seek help quickly. When you are travelling down the road of raising a special-needs child, you can’t afford a breakdown. Seek assistance at the first sign that you are experience a spiritual, emotional, or relational problem that you aren’t sure how to get through on your own. Most disabilities have national organizations dedicated to researching treatments and supporting families. Contact them early, and become involved in your local chapter and any support groups, social outlets or advocacy opportunities they offer.

Additionally, make sure that you are getting regular spiritual direction, and even if your family is doing well, strike up a relationship with a counselor you can trust so that if you need an answer to a quick parenting question or require a marital adjustment, you don’t have to spend weeks looking for competent help. Prior planning helps assure that help will be available right when you need it.

About the author
Dr. Gregory Popcak is the author of eight books integrating the Catholic faith and psychology. He is the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization that provides counseling and other services to couples, families, and individuals.

© The Couple to Couple League International, Inc. P.O. Box 111184, Cincinnati, OH 45211-1184. Used with permission.

Editor’s note: The Catholic Church observes October as Respect Life Month. There are many ways to promote and protect life; the above article focuses on one. For more information visit the Respect Life website.

Remarrying Well with Children

The Situation

Sam (45) and Sally (37) have been married for 2-1/2 years. It’s a second marriage for both. Sam was married at 20. He divorced at 35 and obtained an annulment. Sam has done co-parenting with his ex-wife for a number of years. Sam brings two children from his first marriage, ages 14 and 12.

Sally was widowed for three years prior to her marriage to Sam. She has a 10-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son from her first marriage. While the initial phase of dating, courtship, engagement, and early marriage went well, there is a lot of competition among the children today. Sam and Sally often feel frustrated with the behavior of their respective children. This has caused tension between the couple and resentment towards the children. They both want this marriage to work well.

A Response

Keep talking. Besides the beauty both Sam and Sally find in each other, there are many gifts and challenges that need to be acknowledged. They need to keep talking about the gift of each member to the family. They shouldn’t minimize the challenges, but always preface what is said by, “I say this because I love you.” Sam and Sally need to recognize that the challenges they face are normal and developmental. They are hurdles that all stepfamilies face. This reality: “We are going through tough times, but it’s normal,” can be consoling.

Read a lot. The Internet offers sites that provide simple, clear articles on stepfamilies. A great source is the National Stepfamily Resource Center. The local library and the State Cooperative Extension Service are useful resources. Ohio State University’s site has helpful handouts.

Take time to be a couple. Given their ages, Sam and Sally have the possibility of a 35-year marriage, of which only 10 to 15 years will be spent in active parenting. Nurturing their relationship is important, even if these “dates” are time at a diner over coffee and pie. Regularly scheduling this time as a couple also sends a message to the children. Sally and Sam can also commit to going to marriage enrichment programs offered in their parish or community. They are a married couple first and also parents.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Seeking help from a competent marriage and family therapist can be very beneficial. It is a sign of great love to suggest this help early, rather than when in the middle of a crisis. The therapist should be familiar with stepfamily issues. The local parish priest, diocesan Catholic Charities office and the National Registry for Marriage Friendly Therapists can recommend marriage and family therapists. If Sally and Sam are really struggling in their relationship, attending a Retrouvaille weekend and follow-up program would be helpful. Retrouvaille has helped stabilize many marriages. Also, Sam and Sally should talk to other parents in stepfamilies. This will help them normalize their experiences as a family.

Examine priorities. Sally and Sam might need to accept that in their children’s eyes loyalty to their parent might come before the marital relationship. While this is contrary to a couple’s belief that the marriage comes first, children need to feel that they will never be abandoned, especially after major losses. Children need to know that they will always be first in their parents’ concerns. Thus, Sally and Sam need to make sure to acknowledge the importance of their children’s loyalties, even as they nurture their own marriage. Talking this through is essential to a successful remarriage.

Remember that change takes time. Sally and Sam need to accept that in some stepfamilies the experience is like a roller coaster ride. Acknowledging that time can heal one’s hurts and also begin to create loving relationships is essential.

It takes time for a stepchild to love a new stepparent, just as it does for the stepparent to love a new stepchild. Sam and Sally should try to do things individually with each child, when the opportunity arises. This can happen when they drop a child off at band practice or go to the hardware or grocery store. A little time alone with each child goes a long way in cementing relationships. Also, each parent should accept that the missing parent (the mother of Sam’s children and Sally’s deceased husband) are very important to the children. Let them grieve their losses and support them, even though some time has elapsed after the death/divorce. The Rainbows program can be of great assistance to their children.

Trust that God is in the messiness of family life. Sally and Sam need to keep acknowledging to each other and themselves that God is present in the ordinariness of daily life. There is a real gift–grace–given to us in our sacramental marriage. Sally and Sam can pray daily for and with each other. They can recognize everyday victories (a good report card, a soccer game well played), and acknowledge unsettling challenges (an upsetting day at work, a sick child). In all this, Sally and Sam can give thanks to God for the gift of married love and family life.

About the author
Bill Urbine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a permanent deacon and Director of the Office of Family Life Ministries for the Diocese of Allentown, PA. He is past president of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM).

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