Tag Archives: Newlyweds

What Makes for a Happy and Lasting Marriage?

All couples want their marriages to succeed. But what makes for a happy and lasting marriage? Is it just luck—a matter of finding the right spouse? Is each marriage unique, or do happy marriages have certain elements in common? Perhaps most important, what can spouses do to improve their chances of marital success?

Social science research offers some helpful answers. It reminds us, for example, that couples build “multiple marriages” over the course of a marriage. Common transitions such as the birth of a child, relocation, and the empty nest require couples to adjust their behaviors and expectations. Transitions can threaten marital stability, but they can also provide an opportunity for growth.

Here are several key findings from the social sciences that can help couples to navigate these transitions and build a lasting marriage.

–Couples who know what to expect during common transitional periods in a marriage are less likely to be blindsided when changes occur. Couples can acquire proactive resources to prepare for relationship shifts. See Stages of Marriage.

–The three most common reasons given for divorce are “lack of commitment,” “too much conflict and arguing,” and “infidelity.” (With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America, 2005)

–In contrast, the most common reasons couples give for long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They speak of hard work and dedication, both to each other and to the idea of marriage itself. (The Top Ten Myths of Marriage)

–Qualities that a couple can acquire and/or strengthen in order to save or improve their marriage include: positive communication styles, realistic expectations, common attitudes concerning important issues and beliefs, and a high degree of personal commitment. (Scott Stanley, “What Factors are Associated with Divorce and/or Marital Unhappiness?”)

–Married couples make a dual commitment. The first, of course, is to each other. The second is to the institution of marriage. This includes support for marital childbearing, openness to children, and a belief that marriage is for life. Such commitment results in high levels of intimacy and marital happiness. (Brad Wilcox, Seeking a Soulmate: A Social Scientific View of the Relationship between Commitment and Authentic Intimacy)

–Couples who stay married and happy have the same levels and types of disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle disagreements. The good news is that communication and conflict resolution skills can be learned.

How to Deepen Empathy in Your Marriage: Three Key Skills

It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking each other for granted or just putting up with each other. One husband described this bluntly: “When I get home my dog is the only one who seems excited to see me!” Make this year a break-through year in your relationship by trying three powerful empathy skills to deepen your love for each other.

1. Make your partner feel welcome in your heart.

Focus on those qualities and strengths that you honor and respect in your partner. This simple focus will restore your partner’s value in your heart. Joe, a successful physician, and Sylvia, a marketing executive, complained about their unfulfilling marriage and stressful lives. The more they talked, the clearer it became that they were living parallel lives.

Their first challenge was to switch the focus away from themselves and onto each other. They acknowledged that they were taking each other for granted and that their jobs got the best of them. They ended up giving each other the leftovers. They decided to switch their priorities and focus first on each other’s feelings and needs and to practice daily the art of welcoming each other into their hearts. Today they are far more emotionally connected and happier.

Try this: Each day greet your partner with a genuine smile and some expression of affection.

2. Become interested in how your spouse is feeling.

Remember when you were dating? You had an insatiable interest in each other’s feelings and what would make each other happy. Over the years you may have shifted focus away from your partner and more towards yourself. Perhaps now you’ve come to expect that he or she should always be there to support you or you’ve gotten too task-oriented, hoping he or she will not interfere with your plans.

When you disregard your partner’s feelings as unimportant, however, you are actually disregarding your partner. Understanding your partner’s feelings opens the door into his or her intimate emotional life and finding out what makes your partner happy is crucial. You don’t have to be that insightful or sensitive to notice what makes your partner angry, sad, or worried–but what may be more elusive is what makes your partner happy.

Mary and Robert had been married for seven years. She complained that Robert liked to run the household as if it were his office. He was caring and responsible but always placed tasks before people. He was convinced that he was a good husband because he worked very hard to provide for his family and had never cheated on his wife or done anything immoral or illegal. He couldn’t understand why Mary was unhappy with him. After all, he thought, wasn’t he hardworking, loyal, honest, and responsible? Mary eventually confronted him: “Yes, Robert, you have all those qualities, but you don’t give me what I want.” Throughout their marriage he played the role of the good husband, according to him.

Finally he realized that he was a good husband only if Mary felt loved by him. Mary wanted a husband that focused first on loving her and the kids and then on completing tasks. He also discovered that Mary felt loved by him when he understood and valued her feelings.

Try this once a week: Ask your partner what you could do during that week to bring him or her joy.

3. Validate your partner’s feelings.

Validating your partner’s feelings means valuing what he or she is feeling and showing it through supportive feedback. You don’t need to analyze or judge the validity of those feelings but simply appreciate that he or she shared them.

Mark and Tiffany had difficulty validating each other’s feelings. Their attempts to communicate with each other usually followed a predictable pattern of failure. When Tiffany shared anger, worry, or sadness, Mark tried to help her by offering advice on how to solve or prevent the situation that caused those negative feelings. Tiffany wanted to feel understood.

Whenever Mark gave her unsolicited advice, she became upset with him. Mark, in turn, felt upset that she didn’t appreciate his genuine desire to help with her problem and began to withdraw emotionally. Tiffany felt his detachment and began to resent and criticize his emotional insensitivity and shared her feelings again only with reluctance. Fortunately they broke this negative cycle by learning to validate each other’s feelings. Mark began to validate Tiffany by saying, “I can see how upsetting that was for you. Is there anything that I can do to help you now?” Now their sharing leads to greater emotional intimacy.

Try this: When your partner shares feelings with you, value what he or she shared, without offering solutions or unsolicited advice.

From “Thriving Marriages” 2nd ed. by John Yzaguirre, Ph.D., and Claire Frazier-Yzaguirre, M.Div., M.F.T, New City Press, 2015. http://www.thrivingfamilies.com/

Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage

On our 25th wedding anniversary, Neil and I celebrated with our faith community at Mass. By chance the Gospel was the parable of the prodigal son, but it probably wasn’t chance at all! This story is often applied to parents and children, but as I listened, I heard our journey in marriage.

I remembered one of our sons saying that the father didn’t just happen to be on the hill that day, that he went out every day and watched the road, waiting to forgive. In many ways this is what happens in marriage. We become road watchers. Marriage involves waiting, sometimes through real or emotional distance, sometimes through deep hurts, and it calls us to seek and offer forgiveness. Marriage asks that we not take forgiving for granted, but instead that we celebrate when it happens. Love demands that we stand by the road every day watching for each other, welcoming each other home.

At that Mass, I listened to Fr. Rich talk about forgiveness in the Gospel, and I realized that being married to Neil had taught me to stand in a place of forgiveness. In fact, reconcilication is the most critical work of the first years of marriage, and if a couple does it well, it becomes the work and the gift of a lifetime.

One of the graces present in the sacrament of marriage is the grace of healing and forgiveness. When we come to marriage we each bring our histories – healed or broken, reflected upon or repressed – to our life together. Our vocation is to help each other become fully human. This means finding a way to share hurts, to risk allowing the other person to know us so intimately that we are willing to open up old wounds and allow God to heal them through each other. Marriage at its best creates a safe space where healing and forgiveness can take place. It offers the possibility of having a companion to share the journey, someone to will help us to dig a litter deeper, to reflect more fully.

One of the best parts of being forgiven is the freedom it brings. Jesus taught us to ask for forgiveness when he taught us to pray. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” invites God to forgive us as we forgive.

Another way to look at it is to say, loose the cords that bind us as we have released the strands we hold of another’s guilt. In marriage we can hold each other fast, or we can release each other to grow toward wholeness. It is always a choice!

Early in our marriage, Neil and I didn’t know how to free each other. We had grown up in homes where feelings were not shared, and where reconciling was difficult. In my home it was not safe to express anger. In Neil’s home disagreement could lead to estrangement. Because we brought these broken places to our marriage, we found ourselves unable to have healthy conflict and to move to reconciliation. Our joy in each other changed to distance, and living together became a strain. I wanted to leave, but I was too scared, so I picked fights, threw tantrums, and in general made Neil’s life miserable. One evening I asked him, “Why do you put up with this? Why don’t you just leave?” Neil grabbed my arms and said, “Don’t you know, you are worth waiting for?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was worth much at all. But Neil seemed to think so, and somewhere deep inside I felt hope. And hope, once the cords are loosed, will grow. Neil gave me a gift of forgiveness with his words, and with that gift I could begin to forgive myself. And it is a gift that keeps on giving.

When our second son was going through a rough time in his teens, he yelled at me, “Why do you and Dad put up with me? Why don’t you throw me out?” I heard myself in those words, and I hear Neil in my response,“Don’t you know you are worth waiting for?” The gift had come full circle. When we are forgiven and healed we are able to see our true selves, the beloved of God, and because we know it, we can share it.

Because of the things that Neil and I encountered on our road together, I have learned to forgive myself, my parents, uncontrolled events, God, our children, and Neil.

A friend of mine says that the concept of “forgive and forget” comes from chivalry, not from Scripture, and she described forgiving this way: “You know you have forgiven when you can remember the incident but not relive the feelings.”

I would add one more piece to her definition: You have forgiven when you are able to bless the incident. It is easy to bless the good things in life, but when I remember the times I have been hurt and am able to see the blessing that came from it, I know I have been healed. It is in the blessing that the pain becomes a gift.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Forgiveness Fundamentals

Every marriage has conflict and hurts; that’s a constant. It’s what we do with those hurts that varies. Christ desires that we forgive those hurts and allow the Holy Spirit to heal and bring new life into our marriages.

Here are some forgiveness fundamentals that we hope will be helpful for your marriage.

Forgiveness is a paradox

Forgiveness is tricky; it is both a decision and a process. It is a decision because it involves using our will and intellect to decide to forgive. It is not a feeling; we need to decide to forgive. Yet it is also a process because we have a right to work through the hurt with somebody who is helpful and will validate our feelings (a good friend, a priest, a therapist, etc). Do not wait to feel like you need to forgive because that may never happen. That said, if you have a very hard time forgiving, the very first place to start is prayer: ask God for the grace to decide to forgive as you process the hurts with somebody you trust.

Forgiveness does not excuse

Forgiving somebody does not, in any way, excuse the hurt that was done. It is a decision to let go of retribution and to allow God to begin to heal. When we let go of the hurt, God can start to redeem it and bring good from it.

Use rituals to forgive and heal

Many individuals and couples love to privately write down all their hurts and then safely burn the paper in order to grieve and let go of these hurts. If you choose to do this, watch the ritual. The ash is a different substance from the paper (a chemical change). And ash can be used as fertilizer! This is exactly what God wants to do with our hurts as well. God will turn our hurts into good when we give them over to God. But if we hold onto our hurts too much, God respects our free will and may not be able to transform them into the new life God wants for us.

You have a right to your justified anger

You do not have a right to take that anger out on yourself, your loved ones, or your spouse. Think of an “anger bottle” or “anger safe.” Place all your daily anger in this space and tell it that you will get to it later that day. Then when you are able, set aside time to journal your anger out, talk it out, exercise it out, pray it out, etc. When you exercise and start to sweat, that is when you open your “anger bottle” up and let go of the anger, harness the anger. As a member of the Body of Christ you have dominion over your anger and your hurt. You own it and you can use it for the good; it doesn’t own you.

Forgive and forget…not!

I am not sure who coined the phrase “forgive and forget” but only God is fully capable of that, and even God forgives and redeems (brings good from it). When it comes to understanding forgiveness it is good to understand how God made us. Women have larger hippocampi compared to men. The hippocampus is a structure in the brain that is connected to memory. Women remember differently (think 70 inch HDTV)! Men usually remember in much less detail (think black and white stick figures). As a therapist, Jim has heard this from so many couples over the years:

(wife): “Jim, I can’t forget this thing he did.” (husband): “Jim, I can’t remember what she can’t forget.” Both have been correct because of biology. Don’t even try to forgive and forget. It doesn’t work biologically.

Learn to forgive yourself

After you ask forgiveness from God and the person you offended, it can be very freeing to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself: “I forgive you.” If you do this use your first name and listen to your words of comfort. This has been a wonderfully freeing ritual for many people.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation

Catholics have the powerful Sacrament of Reconciliation, if they’re willing to use it. The wisdom of Father Pio (the twentieth century stigmatist) summed it up well: Even clean rooms need frequent dusting. Yes, our marriages need cleaning and dusting and the grace of the sacrament of reconciliation is a powerful way to open up our souls to the Holy Spirit’s refreshing life.

About the author
Maureen Otremba, M.A, and James Otremba, M.Div, M.S., LICSW offer marriage workshops and retreats for parishes and dioceses. To learn more go to: http://www.eucharisticmarriage.com/.

© 2010, The Foundational Intimacy: Eucharist as the Model for Marriage Workshop. Used with permission.

I Promise To Be True To You

If they are not too anxious, every bride and groom hears at the beginning of the Catholic Rite of Marriage:

My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.

The bridal couple likely believes their love is already strong. Do they really need Christ to enrich and strengthen them? It sounds as if marriage involves a challenge for which the bride and groom need fortification, their mission being to “assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.”

What is fidelity that it is considered tough enough to need sacramental enrichment and strengthening? One definition–faithfulness to duties and obligations, or loyalty—corresponds with a traditional understanding of marital fidelity. It denotes unfailing fulfillment of one’s responsibilities and the keeping of one’s word or vows.

Fidelity and its rigors can best be described by those whose lives exemplify faithfulness. The Bible presents many models: Abraham’s fidelity to God despite difficult tests; Ruth’s loyalty to her mother-in-law although free to return to her own clan; Hosea’s resolute faithfulness despite his wife’s infidelities; Paul’s commitment to his mission despite arduous journeys and imprisonment.

We see by our forebears’ lives that fidelity is not easy but is possible with the help of God. Above all the Bible shows that God is faithful no matter how poorly human beings behave. The Son of God dies so that God can keep a promise. Married life often presents trials, conflicting choices, a partner’s inattention or worse. Faithful love persists. Spouses lay down their lives for their beloved every day.

Examples of faithful living exist in our own time. My closest example is my parents’ devotion to each another. My father’s loyalty during the last phase of their life is a remarkable illustration of meeting fidelity’s demands.

Shortly after my dad retired he noticed the first signs of Mom’s Alzheimer-related dementia. About 15 years after her diagnosis they moved to a retirement center to ensure Mom’s security if Dad died first. Dad gave up space and privacy for her sake. He also gave up sleep and dignity. When his wife began to wander, he slept on the floor by the door until an alarm was installed. When she insisted she had to meet her (deceased) father in the parking lot in the middle of the night, he accompanied her. When she forgot Dad’s name and told people “that strange man” was abusing her, he wept alone.

At last Dad admitted he could no longer continue as his wife’s primary caregiver, calling it “the hardest day of my life.” After Mom moved to the care unit, Dad visited her three times daily, bringing fresh fruit and newspapers, brushing her teeth, kissing her upon arrival and before parting. Death, he believed, would be easier to accept than her prolonged debilitation.

Mutual and lasting fidelity to the duties of marriage can be seriously tested by both good times and bad: as much by children’s births, job relocation, multiple opportunities, and wealth as by work stress, financial strain, emotional illness, disabilities, and tragedy. Temptations against fidelity might be disguised as attraction, generosity, or loyalty to a person or cause that is good, such as members of one’s original family, career, material comforts, a friend in need, even religion. No wonder couples need Christ’s enrichment and strength to differentiate between temptation and their vocation.

They also need to practice the virtue of fidelity from courtship onward. Fidelity is an acquired quality that is developed intentionally. Every temptation to be unfaithful is an opportunity to build character. Being purposely faithful to one’s wedding vows enables fidelity to become ingrained, a part of one’s makeup. Forty-five years of fidelity culminated in my father’s faithfulness during their last 15 married years, and in my mother’s willingness to put herself in his hands.

Another definition of fidelity, referring to accuracy and exact correspondence with the original, also offers insights into the marital virtue. Just as a high-fidelity electronic device is noted for accurate sound or picture reproduction, a high-fidelity marriage corresponds with what it represents: the love within the Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church. As a high-fidelity record is true to the original production, faithful spouses are true to their vows.

As President Woodrow Wilson said about loyalty, fidelity “means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.” Yet marital fidelity has rewards. A radical commitment to fidelity enables spouses to trust one another. It fosters openness and intimacy. It dignifies the marriage even in undignified circumstances like personal failure and physical or mental debilitation. A high-fidelity marriage is the basis for a stable family in which children can flourish. And on strong families is built a strong society.

Fidelity is a virtue intertwined with true love. Christ strengthens lovers who desire to be faithful so that, as Pope Benedict XVI said, “love is never ‘finished’ and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself” (Deus Caritas Est, 17). Fidelity, like love, is no fleeting feeling but a life-long commitment that Christ abundantly blesses.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

The Courage to be Married

It may not take courage to make a promise, but it can take a lot of courage to keep a promise. This is especially true for the promises we make on our wedding day.

I remember when I was an altar boy serving wedding Masses. I recall seeing the nervousness and sometimes outright terror on the faces of the brides and grooms who knelt before the altar. I used to wonder why they were so nervous. Then, years later, I got engaged to be married and got my own taste of that fear.

For me, it was never the problem that I didn’t love the woman kneeling next to me before God, our families, and friends on our wedding day. The problem was that no human could offer us any guarantees as to what was ahead of us. In fact, our friend Father Rich Simon, who presided at our wedding, presented us with a list of possibilities that didn’t exactly inspire confidence—sickness, poverty, or worse.

But in our decades of marriage so far, what we’ve found is that, most often, the courage we’ve needed has been to respond to the more mundane and everyday challenges that marriage brings. And the more we’ve had the courage to address these challenges, the stronger, more satisfying, and even holier our marriage has been for us. Here are a few of those everyday challenges we faced. You’ll surely find your own.

The courage to say what needs to be said

I suspect that most marriages aren’t harmed as much by what is said as by what is left unsaid. Withholding our truth from one another can kill a marriage. This can range from failing to express one’s love (in words, in deeds, in conscientious responses), to not standing up for oneself, to failing to speak up when something’s wrong in your marriage but you don’t want to rock the boat.

In my own marriage, I am extremely grateful (though usually not at the moment) for the times my wife was able to raise difficult issues I’d rather have kept swept under the rug. And I am glad I have found the courage to speak up about feelings and concerns I had that I knew it would be hard for her to hear. Showing courage in those moments inevitably increased our intimacy, our respect, and our love. Pay attention to what you resist saying. A friend of mine says that when it comes to knowing what inner work we should do, “resistance always points true north.”

The courage to do your own inner work

What behaviors of yours are robbing your marriage? It may be busy-ness, alcohol, anger, compulsive spending, or a whole long list of other distractions and cheap substitutions for the mutual self-revelation that marriage calls us to. Over time, any one of these can kill a marriage. If in your marriage you find yourself doing what you know you don’t want and shouldn’t do, have the courage to get help. It’s funny that people show disdain for turning to a counselor or 12-Step group because they feel it shows weakness, when in truth picking up the phone to make a call for help takes more courage than most things we’ll ever do. Be courageous!

The courage to welcome and let go

One of the greatest challenges of marriage is to find gracious ways to welcome this other person into your life—to make their wants and wishes and needs as much a concern for you as your own wants and wishes and needs. Marriage is all about welcoming—our new spouse, their family and friends, their quirks and foibles, even their maddening habits.

We need to do more than tolerate, we are called to welcome and cherish all of who this person is. It takes courage to open up our lives and invite another in. It takes courage to overcome our own habits of selfishness. And when we do, we swiftly learn that we also need to exercise the Christian virtue of letting go—letting go of old habits and new expectations. And oddly enough, if we are to keep our marriage alive and growing, we need to let go of how our marriage was last year or how we think it ought to be and grow into what our marriage requires or us today. You will change and so will your spouse. Each day, in effect, you need to say, “Once again, I choose you.”

Earlier I wrote that no human being could guarantee what our future might hold, and that’s true. But on your wedding day, God makes you a promise. God promises to be with you every step of the way—for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and not only until death, but beyond. And in reality, that is the guarantee that has meant the most to Kathleen and me. It is in the context of this living faith that marriage finally makes sense. It is in the faithfulness of God that we have found our hope to remain faithful to one another. It is in the reality of God’s constant love for us that we have discovered the depth and source of our love for each other, for our children, and for the world we are meant to serve. May you have courage—the courage to be truly married.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

The Best Wedding Gift? Your Ongoing Support

At Catholic weddings, many preachers will remind newlyweds about Christ’s promise to remain with them throughout the ups and downs of marriage. Many will also remind the guests about their responsibility to support the bride and groom, especially during the critical early years of their marriage.

Perhaps you’ve heard this challenge yourself. As a family member or friend, you may have wondered how you can offer personal support to the couple. What practical things can you do to affirm their marriage as both a natural gift from the Creator and a supernatural blessing? How can you encourage them to develop the skills and behaviors necessary for a holy and happy union?

Let’s Start with the Wedding

Showing up is a good start. Most of us remember who attended our wedding long after the event is over. We interpret our guests’ presence as a sign of support, especially if they have come from a distance.

But don’t just show up…pray! Consciously join in the Church’s prayer for the couple at this solemn moment.

Of course, guests don’t come empty-handed. With online registries, a place setting of china or flatware can be dispatched in a matter of minutes. Why not also consider a gift that reflects the spiritual dimension of marriage? Possibilities include:

  • A Bible, perhaps with a stand so that it can be displayed in the home
  • A tasteful piece of religious art, such as a Crucifix or an icon of the wedding feast at Cana
  • A passage from one of the wedding readings, mounted, framed and with the wedding date
  • A copy of Household Blessings and Prayers or a book about the spirituality of Christian marriage. See Book Reviews for suggestions.
  • A gift certificate to a religious goods store near the couple’s home

The First Year

Stay in touch! If the newlyweds live nearby, invite them to dinner or to brunch after Sunday Mass. If they’re out of town, call or e-mail. By touching base with some regularity you will know if problems are brewing and be able to offer support and encouragement.

Sometimes a husband or wife–or both–need reassurance that their marital growing pains are entirely normal. A listening, sympathetic ear can be a great gift. If the problems seem serious, find out how to refer the couple to counselors who support marriage. Diocesan Catholic Charities offices can often provide referrals.

Other tips for the first year:

  • Pray for the couple each day, by name.
  • Pass along informative articles about marriage. Marriage research is booming, and much of it can be of practical help to couples. For the latest updates, check out Marriage in the News.
  • Make a habit of remembering the couple’s anniversary, beginning with the first.

The early years

Since many divorces occur within the first five years of marriage, ongoing support for the newlyweds is crucial. This can be a time of transition for many newlyweds, as they may buy a house, have their first child, and/or move forward in their careers. Even positive events, however, can cause stress in a marriage. The wedding may seem a distant memory by now, but the need for support continues. A few tips:

  • If the couple has children, offer to babysit so they can enjoy an occasional date night. See our low-cost and no-cost date ideas.
  • Encourage the couple to attend a weekend retreat. Some dioceses and parishes sponsor couples’ retreats, or check the schedule of local retreat houses.
  • Share your positive experiences of attending a marriage enrichment session. If feasible, give a gift certificate for an enrichment event.
  • Books on Christian parenting make great gifts for parents.
  • Make sure the couple knows about the helpful resources available on this website.

Prayers and Blessings

Prayer is the glue that holds a marriage and a family together. Prayer comes in many forms, including: recited prayers, such as the Hail Mary; spontaneous prayer, as a husband and wife might say before bedtime; praying with Scripture; and that perfect prayer–the Mass.

The book, Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers, is an excellent resource for your marriage as you explore the Catholic tradition of prayer. Here are some excerpts:

Blessing of an Engaged Couple

The betrothal of a Christian couple is a special occasion for their families, who should celebrate it together with prayer and a special rite. In this way, they ask God’s blessing that the happiness promised by the engagement will be brought to fulfillment. When the engagement is celebrated within the circle of the two families, one of the parents should preside.

When the families have gathered, all make the sign of the cross.

The leader greets those present in the following words:

Brothers and sisters, let us praise our Lord Jesus Christ, who loved us and gave himself for us. Let us bless him now and forever.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

In the following or similar words, the leader prepares those present for the blessing.

We know that all of us need God’s blessing at all times; but at the time of their engagement to be married, Christians are in particular need of grace as they prepare themselves to form a new family.

Let us pray, then, for God’s blessing to come upon this couple: that as they await the day of their wedding, they will grow in mutual respect and in their love for one another; that through their companionship and prayer together they will prepare themselves rightly and chastely for marriage.

One of those present or the leader reads a text of sacred Scripture.

Listen to the words of the first Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians: 13:4-13

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Or John 15:9-12: This is my commandment: love one another as I have loved you.

Reader: The Word of the Lord.

R/. Thanks be to God.

The intercessions are then said.

Leader: God our Father has so loved us that in Christ he makes us his children and the witnesses of his love before the entire world. Let us, therefore, call upon him in all confidence, saying:

R/. Lord, help us to remain always in your love.

God our Father, you willed that your true children, brothers and sisters in Christ, should be known by their love for one another. R/.

You place upon us the sweet demands of love so that we may find happiness by responding to them. R/.

You call N. and N. to the communion of life and love that binds the Christian family together, mind and heart. R/.

The engaged couple may exchange rings or some other gift that signifies their pledge to each other.

One of the parents may bless these gifts:

N. and N., in due course may you honor the sacred pledge symbolized by these gifts which you now exchange.

R/. Amen.

The leader says the prayer of blessing with hands joined.

We praise you, Lord, for your gentle plan draws together your children, N. and N., in love for one another. Strengthen their hearts, so that they will keep faith with each other, please you in all things, and so come to the happiness of celebrating the sacrament of their marriage. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

The leader concludes the rite by signing himself or herself with the sign of the cross and saying:

May the God of love and peace abide in you, guide your steps, and confirm your hearts in his love, now and forever.

R/. Amen.

The blessing may conclude with a suitable song.

Prayer of a Future Husband

Adapted from Tobit 8:5-7

Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors, and blessed too is your name forever. Let the heavens bless you for evermore and all the things you have made. It was you who created Adam, you who created Eve his wife to be his help and support; and from these two the human race was born. It was you who said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; let us make him a partner like himself.”

I take N. in sincerity of heart. Have mercy on her and on me and allow us to live together to a happy old age.

Prayer of a Future Wife

Adapted from Psalm 16

Keep me, O God, for in you I take refuge; I say to the Lord, “My God are you. Apart from you I have no good.” I bless the Lord who counsels me; even in the night my heart exhorts me. I set the Lord ever before me; with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed. Therefore my heart is glad and my soul rejoices, my body abides in confidence.

You, O Lord, will show me the path to life, fullness of joys in your presence, the delights at your right hand forever.

Blessing of a Son or Daughter Before Marriage

In the days immediately before the wedding, the family may gather around its member who is to be married, perhaps at a special meal in the family’s home.

All make the sign of the cross. A parent begins:

Let us bless the Lord, by whose goodness we live and by whose grace we love one another. Blessed be God forever.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

Then the Scripture is read:

Listen to the words of the Book of Deuteronomy: 6:4-7

Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone! Therefore, you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. Take to heart these words which I enjoin on you today. Drill them into your children. Speak of them at home and abroad, whether you are busy or at rest.

Reader: The Word of the Lord.

R/. Thanks be to God.

The parents may give a Bible or crucifix to the one who is to be married. Then all join in prayers of intercession for the couple to be married and for the world. After the Lord’s Prayer, the parents and other family members place their hands on the head of their son or daughter as one or both parents speak the blessing.

May the Lord, who gave you into our care and made you a joy to our home, bless you and keep you.

R/. Amen.

May the Lord, who turns the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of children to their parents, smile on you and be kind to you.

R/. Amen.

May the Lord, who delights in our love for one another, turn toward you and give you peace.

R/. Amen.

All make the sign of the cross as the leader concludes:

May the God of love and peace abide in you, guide your steps, and confirm your heart in his love, now and forever.

R/. Amen.

Table Blessing for Weddings

This blessing may be used before the meal at a wedding reception. A member of the wedding party or one of the parents of the newly married couple may serve as the leader.

When everyone has gathered at table and the meal is ready to be served, all make the sign of the cross.

Leader: Blessed be God who has brought us together in joy.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

The leader introduces the blessing in these or similar words:

We have gathered here to celebrate the love of N. and N. God has brought them together, and we pray that God will hold them in his love always. As the food we share will strengthen our bodies, may our time together strengthen the love that binds us.

After a time of silence, the leader prays:

Let us pray. Lord God, you sustain all creatures and never cease to give your children the food they need. We bless you for bringing us together in the love that unites us around this table where the food we take strengthens our bodies. We pray that, nourished by your Word, we may grow ever stronger in faith as we strive for the coming of your Kingdom. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

Blessing on Anniversaries #1

When the household and friends have gathered, all make the sign of the cross.

The leader greets those present in the following words:

Blessed be the God of all consolation, who has shown us his great mercy. Blessed be God now and forever.

R/. Blessed be God forever.

In the following or similar words, the leader prepares those present for the blessing.

We have come together to celebrate the anniversary of the marriage of our brother and sister. As we join them in their joy, we join them also in their gratitude. God has set them among us as a sign of his love and through the years they have remained faithful (and have fulfilled their responsibilities as parents). Let us give thanks for all the favors N. and N. have received during their married life. May God keep them in their love for each other, so that they may be more and more of one mind and one heart.

One of those present or the leader reads a text of sacred Scripture.

Listen to the words of the first Letter of St. Paul to the Corinthians 1:4-9

I give thanks to my God always on your account for the grace of God bestowed on you in Christ Jesus, that in him you were enriched in every way, with all discourse and all knowledge, as the testimony to Christ was confirmed among you, so that you are not lacking in any spiritual gift as you wait for the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ. He will keep you firm to the end, irreproachable on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, and by him you were called to fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Reader: The Word of the Lord.

R/. Thanks be to God.

The intercessions are then said.

Leader: In the tender plan of his providence, God our almighty Father has given married love, its faithfulness, (and its fruitfulness,) a special significance in the history of salvation. Let us therefore call upon him, saying:

R/. Lord, hear our prayer.

Father all-holy, you have made marriage the great symbol of Christ’s love for his Church; bestow on these your servants the fullness of your own love. For this we pray: R/.

Father all-holy, the faithful one, you ask for and respond to fidelity to your covenant; fill with your blessings your servants who are celebrating their wedding anniversary. For this we pray: R/.

It is your will that all married life should be a lesson in Christian living; grant that all husbands and wives may be witnesses to the wonders of your Son’s love. For this we pray: R/.

The leader says the prayer of blessing with hands joined.

Lord God and Creator, we bless and praise your name. In the beginning you made man and woman, so that they might enter a communion of life and love. You likewise blessed the union of N. and N., so that they might reflect the union of Christ with his Church: look with kindness on them today. Amid the joys and struggles of their life you have preserved the union between them; renew their marriage covenant, increase your love in them, and strengthen their bond of peace, so that (surrounded by their children) they may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

Blessing on Anniversaries #2

Almighty and eternal God, you have so exalted the unbreakable bond of marriage that it has become the sacramental sign of your Son’s union with the Church as his spouse. Look with favor on N. and N., whom you have united in marriage, as they ask for your help and the protection of the Virgin Mary. They pray that in good times and in bad they will grow in love for each other; that they will resolve to be of one heart in the bond of peace.

Lord, in their struggles let them rejoice that you are near to help them; in their needs let them know that you are there to rescue them; in their joys let them see that you are the source and completion of every happiness. We ask this through Christ our Lord.

R/. Amen.

The leader concludes the rite by signing himself or herself with the sign of the cross and saying:

May the God of hope fill us with every joy in believing. May the peace of Christ abound in our hearts. May the Holy Spirit enrich us with his gifts, Now and forever.

R/. Amen.

Exerpts from Blessings and Prayers for Home and Family (c) Concacan, Inc, 2004. Used and adapted by permission of the Canadian Conferene of Catholic Bishops.

Excerpts from the English translations of Book of Blessings (c) 1988, International Committee on English in the Liturgy, Inc. (ICEL). All rights reserved.

Bring prayer into your marriage! Use Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers to:

  • Learn the “by-hearts”-the prayers that every Catholic needs to know by memory
  • Practice the simple form of the Liturgy of the Hours as a family
  • Celebrate the feasts and seasons of the Church year in ritual and prayer
  • Bless the Advent wreath, Christmas crèche, and Easter foods
  • Lead grace before and after meals
  • Pray for family members
  • Bless the home before a move and in times of trouble

Additional Resources:

Marital Spirituality

“Spirituality” is a way to live out one’s religious beliefs. A spirituality of marriage, therefore, is a way to help husbands and wives live out the vocation of marriage in light of faith. Catholic marriage has a distinctive spirituality that is sacramental, communitarian, and missionary.

Marriage is sacramental because it is a sign of Christ’s unbreakable love for his people. It is communitarian because it creates and deepens a permanent partnership of life and love. It is missionary because in Catholic marriage couples are called to share with others the good news of their relationship in Christ. A spirituality of marriage helps couples shape their attitude toward life, and provides a framework for living one’s marriage in the light of faith.

In the Catholic tradition, a “sacrament” is a concrete expression of Christ in the world. The Eucharist, for example, is a sacrament. Within the Eucharistic liturgy, through the words and actions of the priest, the physical signs of bread and wine become Christ really present. Likewise, the Church believes that marriage is a sacrament. In marriage, the couple’s life, love, and witness can make Christ visible to others. All sacramentally married couples are invited to reveal Christ’s loving presence and generous action in the world.

Just as God is a Trinity of persons–a community–marriage also is communitarian. Gaudium et Spes, a document of the Second Vatican Council, states that couples form a permanent, life-giving community. We’ve already described this relationship as sacramental, a sign of Christ’s love in the world. Sacramental couples live as communities that reveal God’s blessings, reach out to heal the brokenness of the family and the world, and share their gifts with those around them.

Couples live as communities when they experience the blessings that come from making a total commitment to another person. Making permanent commitments is becoming rare; sacramental couples demonstrate that it is possible. Another blessing of marriage is children. A couple’s willingness to be open to the gift of children, and to demonstrate the generosity and sacrifice necessary to raise them according to Gospel values is a real blessing.

Couples also live as communities when they recognize and heal the brokenness in their individual lives and in their life together. Brokenness is a part of everyone’s life; a spouse is in a unique position to heal the pain that inevitably arises in relationship. Couples create sacramental communities when they build a life of sharing – with each other, with their families, with local communities, with the church. As couples grow in their love for each other, their communities of life and love enrich the larger communities in their lives.

Finally, sacramental marriages are missionary. Part of the joy of a faith-filled marriage is showing others what it means to be in a loving, Christ-centered relationship, and making known to others the gift of faithful married life and love. Couples have the potential to show others what it means to embody the life of the Holy Spirit within them. Married couples, while never perfect, are missionary through the witness of their lives and love in the midst of the world. They are characterized by openness to the life of the Spirit within them, by loving service to their neighbors, and by sharing their talents and blessings with and for the local and global communities. As missionaries, married couples can witness Gospel values in their daily lives.

A spirituality of marriage shows how couples reveal Christ, build community, and reach out to others in love. It is a powerful way to describe how Catholic couples live out their vocation of married life.

About the author
Joann Heaney-Hunter, Ph.D. is an associate professor of Theology at St. John’s University (NY).

Newly Married

The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship.

Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage (Kreider, 2005), with the highest incidence of divorce coming in year three (Kurdek, 1999). Why?

Sometimes it’s poor choice of spouse. Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly.

Others fall prey to the stresses of early marriage. Some of these stresses might be age-related. Young couples may not have developed the emotional maturity, coping and communication skills, or financial savvy to navigate the many decisions thrust upon them early in their marriage. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience.

Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

According to research done by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000), the top three issues for couples during the first five years of marriage are time, sex, and money:

A. Time
You would think that combining households would simplify life and save time. But newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same.

Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority. An all-consuming job, however, like a mistress, can steal attention from your spouse. You may need to agree on how many extra hours you can reasonably work. Carving out quality time for the two of you can require sacrifice, such as cutting back on personal hobbies or workouts at the gym. At some point you may need to summon the courage to look for a different job … or work out together.

B. Sex
Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems around the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. Reread “Time” above. See also Sex and Intimacy for more on this.

C. Money
Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

Another issue is: “Who has the power?” Many couples consider themselves egalitarian – “We’ll share everything.” Then she finds herself uncomfortable with the loose way he spends “their” hard earned money and he’s annoyed by the way she hoards it. See Finances for more on this.

Other issues include parenting, religious differences, and conflict resolution. Sometimes, the very issues that should bring a couple together, such as a child, faith, and communication, also cause strain. Because couples care so strongly about these things, they are both potential dividers and bonders.

The arrival of a child brings joy – and stress. Parents can feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a child, in addition to the loss of privacy and freedom. Parenting is hard work and when spouses are tired, they get irritable, just like kids.

Shared faith can bind the spouses together. It also requires that a couple talk about their different approaches to spirituality and God. Some people would rather ignore this part of life out of fear, guilt, or bad experiences. Good communication skills, compromise, unselfishness, and an open mind can help you work through the above issues.

So what can you do when you experience these normal stresses of life in the newlywed lane?

  • Gather with other newlyweds. You’ll find you’re not alone.
  • Keep dating. Prioritize quality time together.
  • Confide in other couples who have recently walked this road. They can help you sort out what’s normal and what is not. They can console you because they’ve been there and comfort you with stories of how it could be worse. Many Catholic parishes offer trained mentor couples for their engaged and newly married couples. Check it out.
  • Seek professional help if an issue begins to separate you.

Resources:

Charis Ministries
Founded in 2000, Charis Ministries reaches those in their 20’s and 30’s throughout the country, nurturing their faith through retreats based in Ignatian Spirituality. Charis’ Christ Alive in Our Marriage retreat invites couples in their first five years of marriage to reflect on how Christ is alive in their marriages, and how they are called to make Christ Alive in our world. Visit the website for more information on the retreat, and to find a schedule of upcoming retreats.

FOUNDATIONS, a bi-monthly newsletter for newly married couples by the authors of Catholic and Newly Married: 5 Challenges and 5 Opportunities

First Years and Forever, a monthly e-newsletter from the Archdiocese of Chicago Family Ministries office

Ministry to the Newly Married, a mentoring-based parish program for newlyweds with the goal of fostering the couple’s relationship skills and broadening their understanding of each other and of living out the Sacrament of Marriage. Offered by Agape Catholic Ministries.

“Time, Sex and Money,” America (2001), based on study by the Center for Marriage and Family, Creighton University, 2000

For Further Reading: