Tag Archives: Newlyweds

Resolving Differences

The Situation

We have only been married a short time, and things are going pretty well between us, but something that concerns me is that we don’t really solve problems. One of us raises an issue, we talk about it a little, and then we let it drop. For instance, I think he watches too much TV. When I complain he says “sorry” and then just goes back to watching sports every night. He thinks I spend too much money on unnecessary things, so I just don’t show him the things I buy any more.

What worries me is that eventually, when we have a real problem we can’t avoid, we won’t know how to deal with it. Are there any strategies for a couple like us to use?

A Response

Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, but you are smart to want to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. There’s no reason to assume that solving conflicts would come naturally. It’s a skill you learn and then practice, so that you develop “muscle memory,” a response that will come more easily when you are in a conflictual situation.

The first step in bringing up a problem is to start with an appreciation for the other person. In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work. You really make me feel like our future is secure because you have such a good work ethic.” This is the person you love and chose to marry so surely there is something in the situation that you appreciate or admire. Then move on to your view of the current situation. “I know when you come in you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?”

This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so I can’t share with you when that’s what you’re watching. We could watch a game show together, or a mystery, or a movie at least some of the time. I like all those things.”

Once he understands what your concern is, then you can work to find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch the game; the next, the two of you can watch a movie of your choosing.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much. He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget. She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. There are many different solutions. The right one is the one that feels fair and comfortable to the two of you.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended–those situations would be harder to deal with.

That kind of conflict requires one person to apologize, which is another habit worth cultivating. Apologizing is not the casual “sorry” that doesn’t have any real contrition behind it. A real apology is an admission that something has happened to offend the other person. It means taking responsibility for one’s action and making a plan to see that it will not happen again. Apologizing comes as a result of a conversation that allows the injured party to express how hurtful the incident was. These are not easy conversations, but they do allow the air to be cleared.

The other side of apologizing is forgiving. When an honest conversation has taken place, and one person has truly apologized, the onus is on the other person to offer forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is every bit as important as saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it. Marriage Encounter has an expression, “No Museum Keeping,” which means that if an offense has been forgiven, it is wiped off the record and cannot be brought up again. That doesn’t mean that if a similar issue comes up it can’t be addressed again. It just means that the prior offense cannot be revisited.

Big conflicts don’t come along frequently in most marriages. Small ones happen all the time, so these new skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the best tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened, and ready for use.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

When Can We Use NFP?

What the Church teaches on the moral spacing and limiting of births by spouses
Catholic spouses who strive to live Church teaching on responsible parenthood are sometimes confused by what the Church means by “serious” or “grave” reasons for the use of Natural Family Planning (NFP). This article will address that issue.

NFP enables spouses to space births according to the naturally occurring phases of fertility and infertility in the menstrual cycle. The Church has accepted this innovation of the 20th century as a morally acceptable means of spacing and limiting births in married life. The contemporary Church document, Humanae vitae, which articulated the reasons why NFP is acceptable, uses the words “serious” and “grave” to indicate the distinctions which spouses need to consider as they seek to plan their families according to God’s will. Catholic couples need to understand the meaning behind these words.

Historical Overview
The Church has always recognized the legitimacy of abstaining from sexual intercourse when both spouses consent for a limited time and for religious reasons (cf. 1 Cor. 7:5). When Pius XI condemned contraception in his encyclical on marriage, Casti connubii (Dec 31, 1930), he did not address the licitness of the Rhythm method which had only recently been discovered but did allow married couples the use of their conjugal rights “in the proper manner” when new life could not be brought forth either because of timing or defects of nature (no. 59). It was not until Pius XII that explicit pronouncements were made. By that time the Basal Body Temperature method (BBT) was becoming increasingly known and used among Catholics.

Pius XII, in an address to Italian midwives in October 1951, declared licit the use of the sterile period for serious reasons, but if the couple was confining intercourse to those days exclusively, their conduct needed to be examined. In that case it was not enough to be ready to accept a pregnancy if one should occur. For the practice to be moral there must be serious reasons independent of the couple’s good will. Otherwise to do so “would be a sin against the very meaning of conjugal life.” At the same time, Pius XII advised midwives to obtain a thorough knowledge of the biological and technical aspects of the theory.

Among the serious reasons for use even for an indefinite period, Pius XII cited “medical, eugenic, economic and social implication.” [1] Only one month later in another address, the pope affirmed “the legitimacy and, at the same time, the limits–in truth very wide–of a regulation of offspring, which unlike so-called ‘birth control,’ is compatible with the law of God,” and he hoped that science would provide a more secure basis for the method. [2]

The advent of the anovulant pill in the 1960’s and pressure from within the Church itself to change its teaching on contraception in the name of enhancing the unitive dimension of marriage led to lively debates in Vatican Council II. While Pope Paul VI reserved the question of whether the anovulant pill was a contraceptive until after the Council, the pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern world, Gaudium et Spes, reaffirmed that “marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordered to the procreation and education of children” (no. 48), and that the aim and meaning of conjugal life is to cooperate with the Creator in enlarging God’s family. As cooperators with the Creator they are “interpreters of his love” (no. 50).

Spouses will thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which may be foreseen. For this accounting they will reckon with both the material and spiritual conditions of the times as well as of their state of life. Finally they will consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society and of the Church herself (See GS, no.50).

Grave and Serious
Paul VI in his encyclical Humanae vitae (1968), while condemning the use of all contraceptive methods for even grave (gravia) reasons, declared licit the recourse to the infertile periods if the spouses have good (just and seria) reasons to postpone even indefinitely another pregnancy (HV, no.16 &10; the language here is similar to Gaudium et Spes, no.10). But first those spouses are commended who, with prudent deliberation and generosity, choose to accept a large family. The spouses are to consider their responsibilities towards God, themselves, the family, and human society. Each of these factors may be taken into account in right order in determining “serious and just reasons.”

In other words, the spouses are to discern together first, what is God’s plan for their family here and now, then their own physical and emotional resources for accepting another child, the needs of other family members, and lastly the good of the human society in which they live. The pope gives special encouragement to scientists to perfect the natural methods (HV, no.24), declaring that the discipline of chastity exercised in periodic continence enhances married life provided the spouses value the true blessings of family (HV, no.21).

John Paul II
John Paul II is faithful to the guidelines of Humanae vitae. In the Apostolic Exhortation, Familiaris consortio, he calls the fundamental task of the family “to serve life, to actualize in history the original blessing of the Creator–of transmitting by procreation the divine image from person to person” (FC, no.28). The Holy Father praises large families [3]; however, he also states,

. . . the fruitfulness of conjugal love is not restricted solely to the procreation of children…it is enlarged and enriched by all those fruits of moral, spiritual and supernatural life which the father and mother are called to hand on to their children, and through the children to the Church and to the world. (FC, no.28)

John Paul II takes every opportunity to encourage the development of NFP as a way of spacing births. [4] “When,” he says “by means of recourse to the periods of infertility, the couple respect the inseparable connection between the unitive and procreative meanings of human sexuality, they are acting as ‘ministers’ of God’s plan” (FC, no.32). John Paul II is at pains to counter those who would interpret too narrowly the Church’s teaching on the licitness of natural methods, adopting a form of providentialism, citing both Gaudium et spes no. 50 and Humanae vitae no.10: God the Creator invites the spouses not to be passive operators, but rather ‘cooperators or almost interpreters’ of His plan. [5]

The spouses are to exercise the virtue of prudence in a considered assessment of the well-being of the whole family. Reason and will are not to be abandoned in favor of a passive submission to physiological processes. Husband and wife are called to stewardship of all their gifts, especially fertility, which concerns the birth of a new human person made in the image of God and destined to union with Him for all eternity.

NFP proponent Rev. Anthony Zimmerman likens the spouses’ co-creation to God’s creation of the world in Genesis (1:1 to 2:3). After each new creation, God “saw that it was good” and paused before a new act of creation. After making man and women on the sixth day, he declared everything “very good” and rested from further creation. In the same way, NFP parents pause between each birth and when their family is complete according to God’s plan for them (which is likely to vary with each family), rest from any further work of co-creation. [6]

More than his predecessors, John Paul II saw the benefits of natural methods to the couple and family. He appreciates the way they offer spouses the possibility not only to space children but also to identify the most opportune time to conceive a child. In addition they call for dialogue and mutual sensitivity to one another. “Thus,” he says, “periodic continence…requires a profound understanding of the person and love.”

The way of living which follows from the exercise of periodic continence leads the couple to deepen their knowledge of each other and achieve a harmony of body, mind and spirit which strengthens and encourages them on their journey together through life. It is marked by a constant dialogue and enriched by the tenderness of affection which constitutes the heart of human sexuality. [7]

A Final Word
In summary, all the papal documents addressing the issue of marriage and procreation in the 20th century affirm that marriage and conjugal love are ordered to the procreation and education of children. While contraception cannot be used even in grave circumstances, natural methods of fertility regulation are licit when the couple have serious reasons. Children are a gift to be joyfully received as the crowning glory of family life (GS, no. 48). All modern popes have endorsed the development and use of natural methods of family planning as an aid to living responsible parenthood. John Paul II especially sees them as enabling the spouses to become a total gift to one another.

Notes
[1] Pius XII, Moral Questions Affecting Married Life: Addresses given October 29, 1951 to the Italian Catholic Union of midwives and November 26, 1951 to the National Congress of the Family Front and the Association of Large Families, National Catholic Welfare Conference, Washington, DC.

[2] Ibid

[3] John Paul II, “Homily at Capitol Mall, Oct 7, 1979,” in Pilgrim of Peace: Homilies and Addresses of his Holiness, Pope John Paul II on the Occasion of his Visit to the United States, USCC, 1979: 175-179.

[4] See, for example, “Pope to Two International Groups of Researchers,” L’Osservatore Romano (Weekly Edition) Dec. 3, 1979, and “To Study Group on Natural Regulation of Fertility: The Church is Grateful for the help you offer married couples,” L’Osservatore Romano, July 12, 1982.

[5] “Papal audience to participants of NFP course in Rome, December 14, 1990,” L’Osservatore Romano (weekly edition) Dec. 17, 1990.

[6] Rev. Anthony Zimmerman, “Newlyweds and NFP,” Homiletic and Pastoral Review, October 1986, 21-31.

[7] Address to “The Natural Regulation of Fertility: The Authentic Alternative,” conference, Rome, Dec. 9-11, 1992.

Copyright © 1999, Diocesan Development Program for Natural Family Planning, National Conference of Catholic Bishops (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops). Used with permission on dev19.foryourmarriage.org.

10 Pointers for Prayer

The baby’s crying, the dog is whining, and you need to leave for work in five minutes. Finding time for prayer can seem impossible. Amid the busyness of family life, how can one respond to God’s ongoing invitation to speak with and listen to Him? Here are ten pointers to help you do just that.

1. Pray as you can, not as you can’t. God calls most Christians to an active life in the world, with family, work and community responsibilities. Such a call, while holy, does not usually allow for long periods of prayer and reflection. Lay people can become discouraged when they try to pray like a cloistered contemplative. Be realistic about what’s possible.

2. Take ten — or twenty. If a half hour for prayer isn’t possible, how about ten minutes, or twenty? Choose a good time of day and stick with it. Designate a special site for prayer so that spot become holy. Spouses can help by minding children during respective quiet times.

3. Pray as a family. Build upon rituals such as grace before meals. In addition to the usual “Bless us, O Lord…,” encourage family members to offer thanks for the blessings of the day, as well as prayers for those in need. Couples can deepen their spiritual relationship by taking a few minutes, perhaps before bedtime, to commend to God the joys and sorrows of the day.

4. Decorate your domestic church. When we enter our parish church, the statues and pictures focus our minds on Jesus, Mary and the saints. We can create an atmosphere for prayer in our home- the domestic church- by displaying a crucifix, icons, the Bible and other holy objects. Take the children to a religious goods store and let them choose a picture or statue for their rooms.

5. Short prayers count, too. When you’re stopped at a long light or put on hold, consider it as God’s invitation to turn your heart and mind to him, if only for a few seconds.

6. Find God at work. Connecting with God in the workplace takes effort. Try to cultivate a few simple habits. For example, offer the day to God as you turn on your computer, or pray for the person you’re about to call or wait upon.

7. Jump start your prayer life. Sooner or later almost everyone experiences dryness in prayer. God seems far away and prayer becomes a burden. Praying with Scripture, perhaps the daily Mass readings, can help us focus. So, too, can an inspirational book, especially one of the spiritual classics. A good choice is St. Francis de Sales’ Introduction to the Devout Life, written specifically for lay people who are striving for holiness.

8. Ask your Mother for help. The Blessed Virgin Mary, our spiritual mother, understands our needs and offers profound comfort. One family, gathered around the bedside of their dying husband and father, found peace and healing through the recitation of the rosary. The rosary is ideal for the family since children can be taught the simple prayers at an early age. Check out instructions on how to pray the rosary.

9. Read a good story. Children and adults alike enjoy an inspiring story, and few stories are more compelling than those of the saints. Whether it’s the little way of Therese of Lisieux or the heroism of Maximilian Kolbe, their stories offer something for everyone. Consider the particular virtue that a saint demonstrates and pray for help to emulate it. Perhaps it’s the humility of St. Francis of Assisi, the patience of St. Monica, or the courageous witness of St. Thomas More.

10. Walk with a spiritual friend. Prayer can lead to new thoughts and questions. Who better to share them with than a spiritual friend? A friend can help us to work through the concerns that inevitably arise in prayer. Good friends will hold each other accountable for their prayer life, making sure that prayer has not been neglected in the busyness of life. For married couples a spouse is often this spiritual friend, but God will also put wise and holy people in our path when we need them. They can be the answer to prayer.

Gratitude: Foundational for Marriage

If you consult one of the larger dictionaries about the meaning of the word virtue you will discover three categories of virtue. They are cardinal virtues, natural virtues and theological virtues. There is no mention, however, of marriage virtues. This series will be filling that absence, with a monthly discussion of a particular virtue which can strengthen the great adventure of marriage. This month the focus is on gratitude.

Why do people marry? The short answer is that they are in love. Being in love and practicing love is truly the essence of the Christian vocation, no matter what one’s state in life because all true love is ultimately about falling in love with God.

Marriage affords endless opportunities to practice loving. But because the intimacy of the relationship also reveals personal flaws, (the other’s and our own), we can slip into negativity, forgetting what it was like to initially fall in love, and what it is now to live in love. The virtue of gratitude can help us remember.

Implicit in the term virtue is the notion of habitual, of a way of being that shapes our character. So it follows that to develop the virtue of gratitude it is important to be grateful, both in the recesses of our inner selves, and in external exchanges with our marriage partner, and to do so with some regularity.

So important did St. Ignatius of Loyola consider gratitude that he thought the absence of it was the only real sin. Without gratitude we cannot appreciate the grace of God which surrounds us, all of us, all the time. One resource for getting in touch with the roots of gratitude is the Ignatian examen.

Jesuit father Dennis Hamm presents a helpful modern version of the ancient examination of conscience which is more an examen of consciousness. He points out that in French and Spanish the word conciencia has a much larger meaning than the English word conscience. Consciousness is about awareness, self-knowledge, and feelings. The practice consists in prayer at the end of the day, reviewing high points and low points and being conscious of one’s feelings in relation to the daily activities, challenges and questions. Feelings will rise up and Fr. Hamm assures us that feelings are genuine clues about what is really going on in our interior lives.

The method is easily adapted to illuminating the marriage relationship. At the end of the day, find a quiet place for a few moments of prayer, and begin by praying for light to see and understand how you regard your spouse. A simple prayer is all that is needed, followed by a review of the day with the emphasis being on thanksgiving. This is not a search for what is wrong, but for seeing more clearly what is right.

One might ask the question, in the spirit of prayer, how the presence of one’s spouse is a source of blessing. What unique qualities of your spouse rise up in your consciousness? As in all prayer, it is essential to be honest with oneself, and of course, with God. Don’t make things up. You are concentrating on a person’s reality, and on your own reality. Over time it is possible that annoying behaviors will be seen more as quirks. The examen can and should include the relationship itself. How is life richer and more meaningful because you and your spouse are given to each other?

If a daily examen seems impossible, then a weekly exercise can still be beneficial. The point is to bring to consciousness the essence of the other person, oneself, and the marital relationship and to express genuine gratitude for all of that.

Because Ignatian prayer usually moves toward action, it seems reasonable to find ways to express this gratitude to your husband or wife. You might try a version of the Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem, “How Do I Love Thee?” You might create something like, “I give thanks for you because. . .”

Gratitude leads to many other “virtues” like laughter and fun, compassion and mercy. In addition to highlighting the gifts of our marriage partner, the examen will also uncover our propensity to magnify small failings, our own and others.

I think of a poem by the Carmelite nun, Jessica Powers, “The Tear in the Shade”. The narrator tells of making a small, half-inch tear in a shade, and then worrying about it (almost in an obsessive way). She goes outside “to lose her worry there”, and when she returns to the room “It seemed that nothing but the tear was there.” She goes on to say that there had been beautiful furniture, purple flowers, rugs—but, “It was amazing how they dwindled, dwindled,/and how the tear grew till it filled the room”. Practicing gratitude will allow the beautiful to flourish. It will also grace all aspects of our life, beyond the boundaries of marriage.

When the wife of the Rev. Martin Luther King Sr. was shot while she was playing the organ in Ebenezer Baptist Church during a Sunday service, Rev. King turned to his congregation and asked everyone to kneel and thank God for all that had been left to them. How could this be? He had lost his son to assassination and now his wife. How could he say such a thing? Because during the course of his life, loving his wife and his children, loving the people he served as pastor, he was falling ever more in love with God. He knew that God was still with them; nothing was lacking.

The effect of practicing gratitude in marriage has the effect of shifting our perspective, enlarging our horizons, and deepening our love, not only for our spouse but for the wider community.

For Reflection and Action

What qualities of your spouse are you most grateful for? Share your lists with each other.
Does your spouse have an annoying behavior or habit that you’ve magnified out of proportion? Make an effort over the next month to let it go.

Tinsel or Garland?

Tinsel or garland? Real or fake?

In our first year of marriage, that was our first major argument as a couple. We were looking forward to our first Christmas together, and each of us had our family traditions in mind when we imagined what that might look like. Paul had grown up with tinsel-covered artificial trees, put up over Thanksgiving weekend. Sarah’s family had real trees, wrapped in garland that they bought only a few days before Christmas.

So when the holiday season arrived in our house for the first time, we had to figure out what we would do. After some heated discussions and some false accusations (such as: “You don’t care about my family, do you?”), we finally came to a decision: garland on a fake tree, put up the first or second week of December.

Some might call this a merger, but in reality, it was something better. Merging traditions would mean we had a hodgepodge of this and that from each of our family rituals. And while we did some of that initially, it never truly satisfied.

What we discovered that first Christmas is that we needed to create our own traditions, some borrowed from our respective families, but most of it from ourselves.

Creating new traditions, unique to us as a couple, has been one of the most enjoyable aspects of each passing holiday season (and yes, we mean “holiday” because it encompasses new traditions at Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s).

In the past few years, we have created all kinds of new traditions at Christmas. On Christmas Eve, we often get a hotel room in downtown Chicago or one of the other suburbs (because hotels are really affordable on that particular day of the year), have a nice dinner, and head out to a Midnight Mass near the hotel. Another tradition we have is pulling out and watching our favorite Christmas movies by the fireplace, or finding a movie theatre that’s showing a classic like “White Christmas” or “It’s a Wonderful Life.” These and other moments are unique to the two of us, unlike anything Sarah’s or Paul’s families did when we were growing up.

The oddest thing that has come with creating our new traditions is the disorienting feeling we have had if and when we head “home” at Christmas. One year, we went to Philadelphia to visit Sarah’s family, and while it was wonderful to reconnect with everyone, it didn’t feel like “home” anymore. Instead, that warm, special feeling came when our plane touched down at O’Hare Airport. We had come “home” to the place where our new traditions were forged and nurtured.

It might be bittersweet to leave our old traditions, but it is even more exciting to create new ones (like garland on a fake tree) that are unique, special, and fitting just for us.

Questions for Discussion:

What will you do as a couple this holiday season that will focus on religious side of your partnership?
Why are traditions an important part of our lives?
What family traditions have you appreciated most?
Which traditions are you not willing to let go?
How can these be incorporated into your spouse’s desires?

About the authors
Sarah and Paul Jarzembowski were married at Holy Name Cathedral in Chicago in 2002. Sarah, who was born and raised in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia, currently works as the national partner program coordinator for Charis Ministries, a Jesuit outreach and retreat ministry for young adults in their 20s and 30s. Paul, who originally hails from the Diocese of Gary in Indiana, serves on staff at the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops as an assistant director for the Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth. They currently live in the Maryland suburbs of Washington, D.C.

This article was originally published on the website of the Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago: www.familyministries.org. Reposted with permission.

Pope Francis Meets Newlyweds from the Diocese of Brooklyn

On Valentine’s Day 2014, as an engaged couple, we were lucky enough to travel to Vatican City to listen to Pope Francis’s address to engaged couples. Not only was our trip amazing, but the experience of being there and listening to His Holiness speak about marriage and how to prepare not just for our wedding but for our call to service through marriage was inspiring. This year, now as man and wife, we returned to The Eternal City, again to listen to the Holy Father, again because of our wedding, but this time with the privilege to not only meet him, but receive a blessing from him.

Our ability to meet Pope Francis in Saint Peter’s Square was through a program called Sposi Novelli (“newlyweds”). This was an easy process and we would recommend it to anyone who is thinking of attending. What is Sposi Novelli? It is an encounter for newlyweds to meet and be blessed by the Pope. The website for the Pontifical North American College says:

“To qualify as a newlywed couple (sposi novelli), couples must be married within 2 months of the audience they wish to attend, carrying with them a copy of the Sacramental Marriage Certificate signed by their priest, and wearing their wedding attire.

“The Holy Father will bless them for a happy wedded life when he gives his general blessing at the conclusion of the Papal audience.”

On February 18, 2015, at 6:30 a.m., in full wedding attire, we walked from our hotel just outside the Vatican walls to St. Peter’s Square, where we would meet Pope Francis. After walking through the square, we were brought to a special seating area for all the newlywed couples. We were seated with approximately twenty other couples, most of whom were fellow Americans, and together we listened to the Pope’s general audience.

The past few weeks, Pope Francis has used his general audiences to address the important topic of the family. On this day he discussed siblings and their importance to society and the family make-up. He advised us to look at those in our society as brothers and sisters and to regard them with respect.

Before the general audience concluded, Pope Francis had these kinds words for the newlywed couples: “Lent is a favorable time to intensify your spiritual life: may the practice of fasting be of help to you, dear young people, to acquire mastery over yourselves… lastly, may works of mercy help you, dear newlyweds, to live your marital life by opening it to the needs of your brothers and sisters”. The call to the vocation of marriage is most certainly a special one. The Holy Father’s words call us to serve not just one another but also our brothers and sisters in our community. We must approach this call seriously to bring about the Gospel.

After his message, we waited in a line with the other sposi novelli couples to be greeted; we were half way down the line. Then, Pope Francis came to us. We introduced each other to His Holiness. He greeted us with a huge smile. Alison said in Spanish, “Holy Father, we love you in the Diocese of Brooklyn.” His smile grew. We then offered him a white zucchetto. There is a long standing tradition that if one offers the Pontiff a new white zucchetto, he will trade you the one he is wearing for the one being given to him. Pope Francis laughed, took ours and said, “Looks like it fits,” then gave us the one he was wearing. After we thanked him, he put a hand on each of our shoulders and asked us to pray for him. There is something very humbling being asked by the leader of the Catholic Church to pray for him.

When we were finished, we walked off the line and proceeded back to our hotel (which was no easy task for Ali in her heels on the cobble stone streets of Vatican City). The sposi novella blessing was not only a wonderful way to begin our marriage, but a moment we will cherish for the rest of our lives.

For more information about the newlyweds’ blessing in Rome, and to request tickets, please visit the website of the Pontifical North American College: http://www.pnac.org/visitorsoffice/audiences/#sposinovelli.

See also: “A Vatican Valentine’s Experience,” by Paul Morisi and Alison Laird

About the author
Paul Morisi is the Coordinator for Adolescent and Young Adult Faith Formation for the Diocese of Brooklyn, and Alison Morisi is a second grade teacher at St. Saviour Catholic Academy in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

Who Me, Pray?…With Her?

Down to earth questions and answers about praying as a couple:

Q. Why bother?

A. As you probably know, 46-48% of marriages end in divorce.

But did you also know that:

For couples who worship together each Sunday only about 20% divorce.
For couples who also regularly pray together at home marital stability is even greater.

Praying together can be divorce insurance, but it sounds kind of awkward. Sure it’s fine for priests and nuns or really holy people, but what about normal married couples?

Q. But we go to church on Sunday and say grace before meals. Isn’t that enough?

A. That’s great! Of course these prayer times are important and valuable, but they are different from couple prayer. There is a certain intimacy and vulnerability that comes from opening your heart to God in the presence of your spouse.

Q. OK, we might give it a try, but where do we start?

A. There is no wrong way to pray and the desire to try is prayer in itself. First, some preliminary decisions:

Decide a time. Presumably both of you are very busy. Isn’t everyone these days? So finding an agreeable, semi-reliable time is essential. After experimenting with several times of day my husband and I agreed on first thing in the morning (about 15 minutes before the first child is expected to awake). Since Jim is a morning person and I’m not, his job is to wake me and say it’s time.
Decide a place. Anywhere will do, but it’s nice to have a bible or whatever reading you plan to use handy. If clutter is endemic to your home at least find a place where you can cover it or turn your back on it. Personally, I like to have a window that I can look out of and see the sky. If it’s dark, lighting a candle can be inspiring.
Decide how often. Ideally, daily is the way to go since there is a rhythm and regularity to it. In our own marriage, however, we have made peace with a less than ideal but workable goal. We commit to weekdays since that’s more predictable than the weekends. We figure Mass takes care of Sunday. We also make exceptions for illness, being out of town, pregnancy (when almost any time felt nauseous), or unexpected interruptions like crying babies. It’s not perfect, but we feel we’re doing OK if we meet our bottom line of doing it more often than not. God wants our attention not our guilt.

Q. So what do we do once we’re sitting together?

A. There are many ways to pray depending on your style and preferences.

Here are a few:

___Memorized prayers
___Reflection on today or tomorrow
___Reading scripture
___Guided meditation (from a book)
___Writing in a journal
___Reading an inspirational book
___Rosary or devotions
___Meditation on a spiritual theme
___Liturgy of the Hours
___Your own creation

Rank the above styles from 1 to 10 and find the ways that appeal to both of you.

Q. Hey, we’re not theologians. What do we do with the information above?

A. Keep it simple. After trying to be creative and experimenting with a variety of styles my husband and I found that for regular couple prayer to work for us it had to be very simple. Eventually we settled on the following format:

One Model – 5 Easy Steps

One spouse finds the scripture reading of the day
One opens the prayer with a phrase like “Lord, we come before you at the start of our day.”
Read the scripture out loud.
Sit in silence for awhile. (We may think about the scripture, the upcoming day and how we will live it out, or perhaps put some thoughts in a journal). Inevitably for me, some time is spent daydreaming. I’m not proud of this, but I would do you no favor to suggest that you fail when not fully concentrating. Sometimes I just offer up the distraction and figure I’m honoring God by the effort I made just to show up.
At the appointed ending time, each spouse makes a petition flowing from the silent prayer.

Q. Can you simplify “simple”?

A. How about after the alarm goes off (before you get out of bed) hold hands and offer a prayer for a good day, help with a particular problem, or thanksgiving. Likewise, at night, after turning off the light, hold hands and offer a prayer of thanks for anything that day.

Q. What if my spouse just isn’t into couple prayer? (S)he is a good person and we pray individually but we just aren’t going to be able to do it together.

A. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Sure couple prayer is good and can bring you closer together, but God’s love is bigger than any prayer form. Pray for each other in your own way.

Q. How do we find the Scripture of the day or other books of the Bible?

A. To find the daily readings, go to www.usccb.org/bible/readings

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Love Is Our Mission: The Family Fully Alive

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of making public Pope Francis’ theme for next year’s World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia: Love is our mission: the family fully alive. The theme was inspired by the words of the early Church Father, St. Irenaeus, who said that “the glory of God is man fully alive.” In like manner, the glory of men and women is their capacity to love as God loves. And rarely can that love be lived out more intimately and fruitfully than in the family.

As we begin the “heavy lifting” to prepare for the World Meeting of Families and a possible papal visit, it’s a good moment to pause and reflect.

Every moment of every day, a mother and father are teaching and guiding each other and their children, while witnessing about their love to the world beyond their home. The structure of marriage — if lived faithfully — naturally points a man and woman outward toward the world, as well as inward toward one another and their children. As Augustine once said: “To be faithful in little things is a big thing.”

Simply by living their vocation, a husband and wife become the most important living cell of society. Marriage is the foundation and guarantee of the family. And the family is the foundation and guarantee of society.

It’s within the intimate community of the family that a son knows he is loved and has value. In observing her parents, a daughter first learns basic values like loyalty, honesty and selfless concern for others, which build up the character of the wider society. Truth is always most persuasive, not when we read about it in a book or hear about it in a classroom, but when we see it incarnated in the actions of our parents.

Marriage and family safeguard our most basic sense of community, because within the family, the child grows up in a web of tightly connected rights and responsibilities to other people. It also protects our individual identity, because it surrounds the child with a mantle of privacy and personal devotion. Most of the laws concerning marriage in our culture were originally developed precisely to protect family members from the selfishness and lack of love so common in wider society.

The family is the human person’s single most important sanctuary from mistaken models of love, misguided notions of sexual relationships and destructive ideas about self‑fulfillment. All these painful things, unchecked, can be a centrifugal force pulling families apart.

Love is a counter-force. Love is the glue both for family and society. This is why love is the fundamental mission of the family. It’s why the family must be a sanctuary of love. We most easily understand love when we, ourselves, are the fruit of our parents’ tenderness. We most easily believe in fidelity when we see it modeled by our father and mother.

Love lived generously is the unanswerable argument for God — and also for the dignity of the human heart. And marriage is transformed and fulfilled when spouses cooperate with God in the creation of new life. A husband and wife are completed by sharing in God’s procreative gift of life to their children, who are new and unique images of God.

In my years as a priest and bishop, I’ve seen again and again that the human heart is made for truth. People are hungry for the truth; and they’ll choose it, if it’s presented clearly and with conviction. Therein lies the need for every Christian marriage to be engaged in preaching by example. A husband and wife who model a love for Jesus Christ within their family — who pray and worship together with their children and read the Scriptures — become a beacon for other couples. They also more easily acquire an outward-looking zeal for consciously spreading the Gospel to others, teaching the faith and doing good apostolic works.

Our God is the God of life, abundance, deliverance and joy. And we’re his missionaries by nature and by mandate. In a developed world increasingly indifferent or hostile to God, no Catholic family can afford to be lukewarm about the Church. No culture is so traditionally “Christian” that it’s heard enough about Jesus Christ, or safe from the unbelief and disregard for human dignity which mark our age.

Catholic families have a key role in God’s healing of a broken world. So let’s pray for each other — beginning right now — that the World Meeting of Families 2015 will become for each of us and all of Philadelphia a new Pentecost; a new birth of the Church in each of our hearts … for our own salvation, the salvation of our families and the redemption of the world.

Source: Originally posted in Archbishop Chaput’s column on CatholicPhilly.com on May 15th, 2014.

Learning Love: The Theology of the Body and the Family (Part 2)

Learning Love: Theology of the Body and the Family (Part 1)

Saint John Paul II’s catechesis on the human person and love, commonly known as the Theology of the Body, has developed an ever-growing following and continues to captivate the attention of young and old, religious and lay, married and single persons throughout the world. There are many different ways to learn about this teaching: through programs, courses, personal study, and group reflection. However, there is one place that serves as an excellent classroom for the Theology of the Body: the family.

The family is the domestic Church. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “The home is the first school of the Christian life where all learn love, repeated forgiveness, and prayerful worship” (no. 1666). It is in the context of our families that we first learn love. One way in which families can accomplish this formation in love is to take steps to live out the Theology of the Body in the home.

This might seem like a daunting task, but teaching your family about the Theology of the Body does not necessarily mean sitting them down and explaining the eschaton (the “end times”) or talking about sex, although that is part of it. Teaching your family the Theology of the Body is no more or less than teaching them that they are loved and called to love.

As a fundamental anthropology of the human person, John Paul II’s Theology of the Body is not meant only for those who are married but for all members of the human race, no matter their age, relationship status or vocation. Theologically, there are many complex aspects of this teaching, but we do not all have to be theologians or scholars to understand the core principles or to live them out in our homes and our lives. Here are a few examples of how the Theology of the Body can be lived out in the home.

The Goodness and Beauty of the Body

“God created man in his image; in the image of God he created him.” (Gen 1:27)

Recognizing the goodness and beauty of the body is the first step to living out the Theology of the Body. In the first part of his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, St. John Paul II reflects on the creation accounts found in Genesis, and he reflects on the fact that man was created by God in His image and likeness and was deemed “good” by God (Gen 1:31). As a creation of God, the body is good and should be cared for and respected by ourselves and others.

The Incarnation further dignifies the human body since through His Incarnation, Christ entered the world with a body that is like our own bodies. As the Second Vatican Council said in a section often quoted by John Paul II, “Only in the mystery of the incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light.…Christ, the final Adam…fully reveals man to man himself and makes his supreme calling clear” (Gaudium et Spes, no. 22).

Affirming the body’s beauty and dignity does not necessarily mean telling someone that they look “beautiful” in terms of worldly standards, but rather assuring them that they are beautiful as a unique creation of God. As family members’ bodies change over time, it is especially important to emphasize the goodness of the body and the ways in which it reflects Christ in a very real way. This teaches them that as their bodies – and the bodies of others – change for better or for worse, they are not losing any of their worth.

Affirming the goodness of the body also means proclaiming the goodness of your own body. It is often easier to see the goodness and beauty of others, but when it comes time to recognize it in ourselves, suddenly we are left with nothing good to say. As a good and beautiful creation of God, each one of us is called to accept our bodies, as a man or as a woman, and to care for them.

The Language of the Body

“The body is…the means of the expression of man as an integral whole, of the person, which reveals itself through ‘the language of the body.’” (TOB 123:2)

Very often, we are unconscious of the messages that we are sending with our bodies, yet they are powerful tools of communication. As St. John Paul II said, “Through sexual union the body speaks a ‘language’…this language must be spoken in truth” (TOB 106.3). But this language is not solely spoken through the sexual union. Our bodies can communicate how we feel about ourselves, those we are with, the situation we are in, our mood and countless other messages.

We must become conscious of this language and use it in a way that communicates the love of God and recognizes the beauty and dignity of each human person. Try to recognize the messages that your family members are sending to you through their body language, and the messages that you are sending to them. Having a discussion about this can bring your family to an awareness of the language of the body.

Simple things such as looking up from your phone during a conversation, making eye contact, and dressing both modestly and appropriately for the occasion, all communicate that you recognize the dignity of the person(s) before you and recognize that they too are made in the image and likeness of God and are worthy of love and service.

Emily Stimpson’s book These Beautiful Bones: An Everyday Theology of the Body beautifully elaborates on how manners, dress codes, and body language can be simple ways of living out the Theology of the Body in our everyday lives.

Next: Part Two.

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