Tag Archives: Miscarriage

Solace and Strength in the Sorrow of Miscarriage

It is estimated that one out of four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. This loss can have a profound effect on the mothers, fathers and families of the children who pass away, and many of us may be unsure how best to respond to those who are hurting. Joanne* shares a personal story of her experience comforting a family going through this heartache.

While working in my parish office one day, I received a call from our local hospital, where a mom had been admitted with fetal distress. I was grateful that our parish priest, Fr. Thompson, was able to go to the hospital with me to visit this young mother, Amanda. Arriving in her room, we learned that labor was going to be induced because her baby had already died. My head was swimming as I was overcome with what Amanda must be feeling at this difficult time.

At first, I wasn’t sure what to do. But then, as a mother myself, I knew how to respond. I stroked her hair and rocked her in my arms. Amanda’s husband David, who was traveling, had been notified and was on his way. When he arrived we stepped back, giving the couple a private moment to cling to one another. Eventually, David turned to us and asked, “What do we do?”

Fr. Thompson’s response was drawn from deep within the compassion of Mother Church. While the young couple’s world was spinning out of control, he offered something they could hold onto—God’s unconditional love. He opened the Bible, asked me to read Psalm 139, and offered prayers of blessing.

I also talked to Amanda and her husband about what might happen next, encouraging them to see and hold their baby, take pictures and create keepsakes. Fr. Thompson explained opportunities for a funeral and burial service. Burying those who have died at any age is seen by the Church as a corporal work of mercy. Therefore, the Church encourages a funeral rite for children whose baptism was intended by their parents, but who died before being baptized.

As the doctor came in, we prayed with Amanda and David, and then left the room during the delivery. We stood outside the door praying the Rosary. The stillness of the night was not disturbed by the joyful sound of a newborn’s cry. Instead, it was punctuated with a grief-stricken mother’s sobbing.

The doctor spoke to us as he came out of the room with tears streaming down his own face. He said, “I can be the guide to physical healing, but their greatest need is spiritual healing. I am so grateful you are here.” We stepped back into the room where we stood in silence and cried with Amanda and David, sharing a powerful moment of awe and grief.

After some time, I spoke to the parents of God creating this little one with them, and of how important their child was and would continue to be to us all. I spoke of God weeping with them, comforting them in the midst of their grief. I asked if they had named him. David’s tears ran down his face and splashed onto the tiny baby as he whispered, “William.” Fr. Thompson gently touched William’s forehead and made the Sign of the Cross with the water of his dad’s tears. We spoke of God’s love for William, and we commended his soul to God.

Later on, we assisted Amanda and David in connecting with a funeral home and planning a funeral, graveside service and burial for little William. The family found comfort in traditional burial prayers adapted to fit a baby’s life and death.

People often assume that the needs of a family in this situation are mostly medical, and that the hospital or medical staff will take care of things. However, miscarriage includes emotional, relational and spiritual suffering that requires assistance from family, friends and church leaders. The immediate need is to help the family become familiar with their options for providing a time and place to acknowledge the dignity and worth of their child. These include simple rites like naming and commendation ceremonies, funeral rites and burial or entombment.

Death may separate us physically, but it does not end the relationship; these moments help strengthen a relationship with the child in a way that will be helpful for long-term healing. They also give the broader Church a chance to grieve and remind others of the significance of this child, who is entrusted for all eternity to the Lord. A parish community can also support grieving families and honor the lives of their little ones in other ways.

Public support might take the form of an annual memorial service or a memorial plaque in the church with the names of the babies who have passed away.

Personal support is also essential. Some people become exhausted from their grief and are unable to maintain household chores. Their lack of energy makes it hard to keep up with everything, so providing meals or doing laundry or other chores can help the family meet their common daily needs. Other times, simply being present is what’s needed. Another woman who lost her child through miscarriage said the best response she experienced came from a friend who said, “I came to cry with you” and presented her with a bag full of tissue boxes.

Many people in their grief have almost a compulsion to talk. They desperately want someone to know what they are going through, and repeating the story of their loss over and over can be part of the healing process. The role of the comforter is to listen and reassure them that their thoughts are normal, not to supply them with answers. Many consolers experience feelings of inadequacy when they have no answers or words of wisdom. They may make statements that are not meant to be theologically flawed or hurtful, but often are. While these comments are meant to take away the pain, simply saying, “I am deeply sorry your baby has died,” might often be the best thing to say.

Although we may feel unsure how best to comfort those who mourn, we must stand with them in their time of suffering. Miscarriage touches the lives of many people, yet all too often this tragedy remains unaddressed. This lack of response not only often leads to unresolved grief, but also fails to clearly manifest our belief that each person, from conception onward, is precious and unique. The death of babies through miscarriage is a time to honor their lives and to support their grieving families. Amanda and David were greatly assisted and comforted by family, friends and a parish community who helped them to memorialize and cherish William. As members of a community of faith ourselves, let us comfort those who mourn as we look forward together to a time when all tears are dried and our families are whole once again.

The story of Joanne, Fr. Thompson, Amanda, David, and William (their names are changed for their privacy) is just one example of the many lives touched by a miscarriage. To find out what pastoral resources may be available in your local area, contact your diocesan office for more information. For liturgical resources, the Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers, Revised Edition (Washington, DC: USCCB, 2007) includes an order of blessing of parents after a miscarriage or stillbirth and The Order of Christian Funerals: Vigil, Funeral Liturgy, and Rite of Committal, Bilingual Edition (Collegeville, MI: Liturgical Press, 2002) includes prayers for a stillborn child and his/her parents.

Reprinted from Respect Life Program, Copyright © 2014, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C. All rights reserved. Additional resources and ordering information is available at www.usccb.org/respectlife.

Loving Parents After Miscarriage

A friend who recently lost a child through miscarriage called to express disappointment that she didn’t know where to turn for the resources and support she and her husband so desperately needed. This heartbreaking conversation reminded me of another friend who miscarried a child at six months of pregnancy, but who masked her pain with a smile instead of reaching out for comfort. Though each experienced the deep pain of losing a child, neither received the loving support she deserved.

Sadly, their experiences are common. Though most miscarriages occur very early in pregnancy, often before the woman knows she is pregnant, as many as 15% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. Our culture and even some church communities don’t always recognize this loss, leaving women or couples to deal with their pain alone.

Our witness to life must address the pain and grieving experienced by those who have lost a child. Just as we recognize the humanity of the unborn child lost to abortion, we must acknowledge equally the unborn child lost to miscarriage. “I see clearly that the thing the church needs most today is the ability to heal wounds and to warm the hearts of the faithful; it needs nearness, proximity,” Pope Francis said recently. As Catholics and people of life, we are called to draw close to these parents and provide care and comfort to their aching hearts.

So what can we do to help parents grieve their loss and witness to the gift of their child’s life? We can acknowledge their loss, support them as they grieve, and direct them to helpful resources. How do we do this?

First, don’t dismiss their loss with comments like “You’re young; you’ll conceive again soon,” or “You still have your other children.” Instead, make time to listen as they share their pain. Affirm their right to grieve. Offer your condolences and prayers, and ask if there is anything they need. Direct the parents to their parish priest, who can help them organize a memorial service, funeral or burial. The Order of Christian Funerals has prayers for a stillborn child, and the Book of Blessings includes a blessing for parents that can be administered by a priest or deacon after a miscarriage. Some blessings can even be adapted for use by a layperson.

Keep in mind that the father and mother may have different emotional needs. She might feel the loss more directly, or wonder if somehow she caused the miscarriage. She might prefer to talk things out with a friend. The father may need space to eventually feel comfortable sharing how the loss affects him, and may even need time to take his mind off things. He might need guidance on how to support the mother. Losing a child can drive parents apart, so the couple might need the reassuring love of a faithful community to keep close and stay together. Child loss or bereavement support groups at their parish or local hospital can provide support, as well as spiritual advice or counseling.

As members of the body of Christ, the Church, we are called to bear witness to the loss of every life, no matter how brief or small. Let us pray that our growing sensitivity to the loss of a child through miscarriage will better assist grieving parents and help them to entrust their child to God’s unfailing care and mercy.

About the author
Mary McClusky is Assistant Director for Project Rachel Ministry Development at the Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities, U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. To learn more about the bishops’ pro-life activities, go to www.usccb.org/prolife.

Re-posted with permission from the USCCB Life Issues Forum.

Miscarriage

The Order of Celebrating Matrimony includes three direct questions posed to the couple. The third of these is “Are you prepared to accept children lovingly from God and to bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?” While couples answer “yes” to this question every day, it probably doesn’t occur to most that perhaps children may not be a part of the future. The marriage ceremony almost implies that children will be a part of the couple’s lives. Yet 15% of all recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, and it is estimated that as many as 50% of all pregnancies result in miscarriage, since most miscarriages happen before a woman even knows that she is pregnant.

The Catholic Church rightly insists on the sanctity of life from the moment of conception, but we need to do a better job of ritualizing the loss of life when a miscarriage does occur. Couples often bear this grief in silence and confusion. The world seems to be telling them that a life was not lost, that a tragedy has not happened. And yet, parents know otherwise. Their hearts and minds cope with grief and sorrow that is no less real for going unaffirmed.

When a couple experiences the pain of miscarriage people may try to be helpful and supportive, but often their words are more of an obstacle than an aid to healing. Here is some wisdom that has helped others through this silent sorrow:

It is right to grieve. People may say things like, “It’s just as well; there was probably something wrong with the baby,” or “Well, at least you know you can get pregnant.” Such comments can lead us to think that there’s really no reason to feel sad. But remember: a life has been lost, along with the many dreams you had for this baby. Take the time to grieve and be gentle with yourself as you are grieving. Treat yourself like a best friend and give yourself permission to be good to yourself during this difficult time.

Surround yourself with people who understand, and avoid people who don’t. Even your best friend may not know how to support you. If necessary, avoid her or him for a while, and seek out others who have been through this sad experience and can validate your feelings. Give yourself permission to share with some people and not with others.

Name your baby. This simple yet profound action is a concrete way of affirming that this life was and is a unique person. It can even be helpful to put the child’s name on a Christmas ornament, a stone in your garden, or some other place where you will see it.

Pray even when words won’t come. God is indescribably near to the broken-hearted, although it may seem like God is very far away. Speak words from your heart, even if they are words of anger, rage, disappointment, frustration or hopelessness. God has heard it all (even from His beloved Son) and is big enough to handle your grief. You are carrying a special sorrow and are united to the sufferings of Christ in a unique way.

Men and women grieve miscarriage differently. Some women find the site “Hannah’s Prayer Ministries” particularly helpful as they grieve miscarriage. Some local Catholic hospitals have a support group for those experiencing pregnancy loss. Some spouses may want to be alone. While others may want to meet with a spiritual director or friend to share the burden. Some spouses discover that exercise can be healing, while other spouses find that just puttering around can be helpful. Find out what works for you and be gentle with yourself.

Ask your local parish to begin a yearly Mass for Hope and Healing. We began this in our parish seven years ago as a way to give voice to our grief and to pray for comfort and strength. Each year, this liturgy attracts people from the area, some who experienced pregnancy loss years, even decades, ago.

You are not alone: ask for help if you need it. We are all members of the Body of Christ and are never alone in our pain. God desires to bring healing in our lives and frequently uses others as instruments of healing. If your grief turns to depression or anxiety, seek professional help. Call your local parish for a referral to a therapist or Catholic Charities.

Maureen and Jim offer marriage workshops and retreats. They have experienced infertility and multiple miscarriages.

For more information and resources for dealing with miscarriage:

Elizabeth Ministry
  • Elizabeth Ministry: an international movement designed to offer hope and healing on issues related to childbearing, sexuality and relationships; offers guidance and support for parents who have experienced a miscarriage
embrace
  • Embrace: A ministry for families who have lost a baby from miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death within the first few months after birth. Also for friends and extended family of these families, and for religious leaders and volunteers who want to help.

For Further Reading:

Article copyright © Jim and Maureen Otremba, 2012