Tag Archives: Middle Years

Middle Years

For most couples, parenting is the most distinctive feature of this stage. It may be compared to the middle years of childhood (ages 5-12), which is sometimes called the latency stage. Although the child continues to grow, this growth tends to be steady and without significant turmoil.

Some couples-the “sandwich” generation-find themselves taking care of children plus aging parents. Meanwhile, their marriage and personal needs may be pushed into the background, unless a crisis erupts. Couples in the middle stage of marriage often must renegotiate household, financial, and parenting tasks. The stress of these multiple adjustments helps explain why the marriage satisfaction rate drops significantly for parents with young children (Twenge, Campbell & Foster, 2003)

While rearing children can unite parents in a common venture, it also changes the marriage irreversibly. There is more to argue about and less time for conversation, play and sexual intimacy.

During the teen years, parents generally find that they need more emotional than physical energy. Parents stress out over how strict or lenient they should be with their teens. Parents begin to lose control over their teens, but they still bear the responsibility of parenting without the rewards of children who look up to them as if they walked on water. Marital dissatisfaction decreases significantly for most couples during the teen years.

Couples who do not have children have their own issues to deal with. They may want children and have been dealing with infertility. If many of their friends have children they may they feel left out. They may be so consumed with career or extended family obligations that their marriage relationship has become stale.

Couple Cycles 3,360 Miles for Lasting Marriages

Time surely does fly by when you are very happily married. In the early days of our marriage my husband, Ric, and I imagined a life of friendship and love together, promising that we would never mention or even think of d______ (what so many people do to end their marriages). The word would not even exist in our vocabulary. And we have had so many wonderful years together. We wish all people were better prepared for marriage and chose more carefully the wife or husband they commit to “till death do us part” so every marriage would last and be the “happily ever after” it is meant to be.

We have been cyclists for all of our married life and we thought how fun it would be to ride our bikes across the United States, a dream that we had almost forgotten amongst the days and years of work and family life. With both kids grown and off on their own, we decided this was the way we would celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary – on a tandem ride across the United States. But we didn’t want this ride to be just about us. We wanted to somehow help others in their own marriages. So from Oceanside, California to Yorktown, Virginia we searched for couples who had helpful advice on what makes for a happy, lasting marriage.

Starting off at the Pacific Ocean

Our journey began on June 27, 2015 with a great send-off. About twenty friends and relatives joined us for breakfast in Oceanside including Karen, one of the friends that had introduced us to each other in college. From there we rode for 40 days, taking one day off per week to rest. Every day we would find someone to interview asking them, “What advice would you give to people who are preparing to get married or who are newly married?” We would then post the advice with a description of our ride for the day and some photos on our Facebook page “Lasting Marriage Bike Tour.” On the page we also put some book recommendations, posted articles on marriage, listed marriage resources and 25 love songs that speak about true love.

Beautiful scenery in Colorado

Traveling through Monument Valley in Arizona

Experience is a great teacher if you take the time to reflect upon it, so we interviewed people who had been married for a long time. The advice we received from these friendly people, most of whom were complete strangers to us, is valuable advice that would help anyone trying to build a successful marriage. Quite a few of our followers commented how much they appreciated the advice; some couples saying that they read our posts every night before they went to bed. We pray that it will help many others.

Some Advice from People Across the U.S.

  • Have God in your life and go to church together
  • Never stop listening and never stop talking
  • Be your spouse’s best friend
  • Don’t be selfish
  • Learn to compromise, to give and take
  • Persevere, always remember why you got married
  • Tell your spouse how much you love them

We made it to the east coast on August 12th, 2015. Overall, we traveled through nine states and rode 3,360 miles. We met so many good people and saw many beautiful sights. What a great adventure and a great way to spend time together celebrating our anniversary!

Ric and Anne’s celebratory dinner in Yorktown, VA

Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

This document was developed as a print resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) in 2011.

For Sue and Carlos, married for eight years, life is hectic as they try to balance his full-time job, her part-time job, and the needs of three children. Even when they manage a date night, conversation tends to revolve around the kids. Sue misses the connection she felt with Carlos as newlyweds. Carlos loves his family but wonders if there’s something more than the endless routine of carpools and shopping. Both worry that the spark has gone out of their marriage.

Nearly a year after Tom admitted his affair with a co-worker, Sally cannot forgive him. She considered divorce, but Sally takes their wedding vows seriously and doesn’t want to abandon nineteen years of marriage. Besides, Tom is a good father to their teenagers. Tom wants desperately to regain Sally’s trust but doesn’t know how to begin to repair the damage to their marriage.

On their wedding day, when a bride and groom promise to be true in good times and in bad, the hard times seem far away. The Church rejoices with the couple, even as it reminds them of what lies ahead. In the Nuptial Blessing the priest or deacon prays, “Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.”

The Church understands that problems are part of every marriage. The reality of human sinfulness can impair the ability to achieve a happy and holy marriage. Modern stresses on marriage can take their toll.

Nevertheless, God’s plan for marriage persists. He offers forgiveness and healing so that couples might learn to grow in self-giving love and thus become an image of the relationship between Christ and his Church.

How can this happen, however, when couples face the difficulties of married life? In their pastoral letter on marriage, Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. bishops offer an answer: “We bishops urge couples in crisis to turn to the Lord for help. We also encourage them to make use of the many resources, including programs and ministries offered by the Church, that can help to save marriages, even those in serious difficulty” (24).

This brochure identifies a variety of resources available to couples experiencing marital problems. Some couples, such as Sue and Carlos in the above example, can benefit from marriage education. Others, like Sally and Tom, often need more intensive help, such as counseling. All Catholic spouses can draw strength and healing from the Church’s spiritual resources.

The Parish as a Source of Help

Catholics experiencing problems in their marriage often turn to their parish for assistance. For many, a first step is to discuss their situation with their pastor, who can often offer support and guidance. Although most are not trained counselors, an experienced pastor knows what to listen for and what kind of help to offer. Couples like Sue and Carlos may simply need reassurance that their marriage is going through an unsettling but normal phase.

In some cases, a pastor may identify and challenge an addictive behavior. He may also determine that professional help is needed and recommend a qualified counselor.

The pastor represents a Church that is committed to saving marriages, if at all possible. He promises to offer spiritual and emotional support as the couple works through their difficulties. He asks the couple to make a similar commitment by trying in good faith to save the marriage. (An important note: In Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. Catholic bishops state that “no one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse” [24]. See also When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.)

In some parishes, deacons and lay ministers are able to provide pastoral care to married couples. Other parishes have pastoral counselors—trained mental health professionals who integrate sound therapy and spirituality. If no help is available, it may be possible to find assistance at a neighboring parish. This is also an option for couples who are reluctant to discuss their marital problems with their own pastor.

Helpful Resources for All Couples

  • Skills-building programs. Research has shown that marriages are more likely to succeed when couples acquire certain skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial planning, and time management. Some parishes and community adult education programs offer skills-building sessions. The diocesan Family Life Office may be familiar with programs offered in the area.
  • In-home resources. Many couples appreciate the flexibility of in-home resources such as books, DVDs, and web-based marriage enrichment programs. These are readily available online and in bookstores. The For Your Marriage website includes lists of recommended books and programs.
  • A Marriage Mentor couple can be helpful for any marriage, especially one in trouble. Some parishes have programs to match couples; otherwise, a pastor might suggest someone, or a couple might look for a more experienced couple whose interactions they admire.
  • Group-based encouragement and enrichment. Various enrichment programs are offered in group settings. Some, such as Marriage Encounter and the Marriage Encounter Weekend Program, bring couples together for a day or a weekend to focus on improving their marriage. Others, such as Christian Family Movement and Teams of Our Lady, offer a chance to meet regularly with other married couples for mutual support and spiritual growth.

For Your Marriage has more information about these and similar resources.

Resources for Couples with Serious Issues

  • Support groups. Addiction to drugs and alcohol, gambling, pornography, and similar behaviors, if left untreated, worsen over time and can destroy a marriage. Twelve Step programs such as A.A. and N.A. can be effective, alone or in combination with other therapy. The spouse of someone with an addiction can benefit from Al-Anon or Narconon. Many parishes have a list of such programs in their area.

See the article on Addictions for more information.

  • Retrouvaille and The Third Option. Retrouvaille is a weekend program with follow-up, designed for couples with serious problems, including those who are separated or divorced. Weekends are offered around the country. The Third Option combines skills-building workshops, sharing with mentor couples, and a support group. It can be used for marriage enrichment or crisis intervention. Spouses may come alone.

Counseling

Sometimes a problem becomes more than a couple can handle alone. Indications that a couple might need counseling include ongoing conflict that does not get resolved; poor communication patterns; disruptive life transitions; substance abuse; disagreement over a child’s needs; and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. A positive outcome is more likely when help is sought sooner rather than later.

A major challenge is finding the right counselor. The therapist should be committed to saving the marriage, if at all possible, and should respect religious values as a resource for strengthening the marriage. The therapist should have specific training in marriage counseling, with a practice that includes a significant amount of couple work.

The best referrals come from people whose wisdom and integrity can be trusted. This might include a friend, family member, physician, or mental health professional. It could be a pastor or parish staff member. Another referral source is the diocesan Catholic Charities Office or Family Life Office.

See the article on counseling for more information.

Spiritual Resources

Jesus promises to be with those who are dealing with difficulties: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28).

Couples can experience Jesus’ presence through the Catholic Church’s rich treasury of spiritual resources.

  • In the Eucharist, Catholic married couples encounter the one who is the source of their marriage. Jesus’ self-giving love sustains their own union. Sometimes, however, couples slip in their Sunday Mass attendance, or they do not attend Mass together. A first step might be to make a date for Mass and start to reclaim the spiritual foundation for the marriage.
  • Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Jesus offers mercy and healing and the opportunity to make a fresh start after inevitable stumbles.
  • Personal prayer, Bible reading, and devotions such as the Rosary or eucharistic adoration can help couples discern God’s will for their marriage.
  • Some parishes and dioceses offer a day of reflection or weekend retreat for married couples.

Conclusion

The Catholic Church wants couples to have a holy and happy marriage. Addressing problems as they arise helps spouses develop the skills and behaviors that lead to a happy marriage; it also leads them to a holy marriage, as they grow in virtues such as patience, perseverance, and forgiveness. Couples who have worked through serious difficulties often emerge stronger and more committed. Hand in hand, they lead each other to heaven as they witness to God’s own faithfulness and abundant love.

About the document
The document Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble was developed as a resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American Bible, copyright © 1991, 1986, and 1970 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC 20017 and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

First printing, May 2011

ISBN 978-1-60137-199-7

Copyright © 2011, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright holder.

This resource is also available in a printed brochure format (Publication No. 7-199). To order copies contact USCCB Publishing or call 800-235-8722.

They Said It Wouldn’t Last

There have been many ups and downs throughout my marriage of 19 years. Some folks said my husband and I wouldn’t last six months; we were so different! I like things in order and I take commitments seriously. Spouse, on the other hand, is laid back, even catch-as-catch-can on occasion.

At times I wanted to disappear and not look back. I am sure my husband felt the same way.

Then it hit me one day: Our marriage is not about how we make each other feel. Our marriage is about keeping our vow to love and honor each other even in the midst of problems, and in doing so, imitating the faithfulness of God to his unfaithful people.

Such an imitation of God’s faithfulness gives God glory, a minister friend assured us. It is why every single human being on earth exists — to give our Creator glory, and to trust God’s promises of eternal life with him in paradise for those who do not grow weary in doing good.

At first I could not see how washing dishes I did not dirty or paying more than my share of bills gave God glory.

I sought counseling, talked to long-married couples and read everything I could get my hands on that encouraged me as a wife. Then I asked myself: What was more important — prevailing when in conflict or my husband’s well-being physically and spiritually?

The answer became apparent to me one night when I found him fast asleep in front of the TV, the TV remote practically welded to his hand, his slumped shoulders free of the weight of the world.

Thinking that my being in his life could impact his eternal destiny was very sobering. Far be it from me, I thought, to be the reason he hated or did not forgive. We loved each other and needed to work harder at not allowing issues to blind us to this fact.

So I washed those dishes I didn’t dirty, for a clean home was important to me. And I paid bills we both had entered into without waiting for him to sometimes, for that too was a matter of honor and I had been blessed with the means to do so.

I draw comfort too from two Scripture verses: “All have sinned and are deprived of the glory of God. They are justified freely by his grace through the redemption in Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23-24). They remind me that while I am married to someone who, like me, is at war with a human nature bent away from God, we are not alone; God is with us — and in us! — to help us make the right choices in life.

What an awesome duty it is, then, to be entrusted with the fuller knowledge of another’s struggle, to be the voice that cries out to God on that person’s behalf.

What a privilege to imitate Christ who both demands and freely offers unending faithfulness!

Lost Dreams

After almost 10 years of marriage, my husband decided to quit his secure government job and start his own business. I was scared. We had two children, ages 2 and 6, and could not maintain our simple lifestyle solely on my salary. Tom had no clear idea of what kind of business he wanted to start. He just wanted to be his own boss.

He pulled out his retirement savings, which we soon exhausted. He began to pay the mortgage late, then couldn’t pay it at all until my parents helped out. Several credit cards maxed out. Bill collectors started to call. The IRS hauled us in for an audit.

Tom reluctantly abandoned his dream of owning a business and looked for employment. Over the next six years he held a succession of jobs, some temporary, others unsuited to his talents. My anger and resentment grew. I felt that he had ignored the needs of his family in order to pursue a selfish and unrealistic quest. I considered divorce, and most of my family and friends agreed that I was justified.

Still, I held back, mostly out of concern for the children. Tom was a good father and I knew that they would be devastated if we split up. Somehow, I hoped that things would get better.

Miraculously, they did. Tom found a job with the county government that provided stability and a steady, if modest, income. We cancelled the credit cards and paid off the balances. We were even able to set a little aside for the college fund.

The emotional wounds took longer to heal. I had to learn to trust Tom again. Tom had to recover his self-esteem. All of this took a toll on our relationship. Twenty years later, our marriage still struggles, but things are better. I’m glad that we stuck it out. I’m glad that we have tried to honor the commitment that we made to each other more than 30 years ago.