Tag Archives: Mental Illness

Spiritual Help for Grieving Parents

Of all the pains that life can hand us, arguably the most searing is the death of a child. A parent’s world irrevocably and horrifically changes forever, no matter what the circumstances or the age of the child.

In what seems to be a manner contrary to the natural order, parents not only have a physical and emotional part of themselves ripped away, but also have the loss of all of the hopes, dreams, and aspirations they had so completely invested in their child.

With this loss, a parent’s world radically and dramatically changes forever. Most friends, relatives, and acquaintances do not know how to approach or console for fear of offending or upsetting the parent. Many parents say they begin to feel that they are treated as if they have a contagious disease. In an attempt to seem normal, or “over it,” emotions are suppressed and the parent begins to withdraw or become distant. This reaction, however, compounds the all-encompassing feeling of being totally alone.

Many well-intentioned attempts have been made to assist parents in recovering emotionally from their loss, including psychotherapy and various support groups. However, in an attempt to be all inclusive and “politically correct,” the spiritual perspective of the grieving process—or even the existence of God—is usually lacking (or actively avoided) in many of these approaches.

It was the personal experience of my own family and this deep need for spirituality that led to what is now known as the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents.

Emmaus Ministry logo

Thanksgiving evening of 2002, a healthy, ambitious and successful young US Air Force Captain, Paul Monaghan, took his own life, without any explanation or warning signs. As unexpected as a lightning strike on a clear blue day, Paul’s death shattered our idyllic, comfortable family life forever.

For five years afterwards, when she wasn’t numb, my wife, Diane, frantically searched. Searched for answers from her son’s wife on what actually happened. Searched for answers from his friends on what he was like leading up to his death. Searched for answers from Air Force investigators, who took an entire year to file their death report. Searched for answers not so much to the question of “why” as to “how”. How could her beautiful son do this to himself? How could he do this to the family he loved so much? She frantically searched for understanding, read an entire library of books on the death of a child and suicide, went to psychiatrists, psychologists, and psychotherapists, joined support groups and journaled. Nothing helped at all.

During these years, she prayed for two things: the strength to get out of bed in the morning and an understanding of how she could make some good come from such a horrific tragedy, but her prayers seemingly went unanswered. She felt God was not listening. During this time, she says, she received some strength from her faith, but not much comfort.

Then one day, everything changed. Undoubtedly, it was the Holy Spirit that prompted her to attend a totally unrelated program that eventually led to a deep relationship with a compassionate religious sister, who was a Spiritual Director. They met at St. Anthony Shrine, a Holy Name Province Franciscan community in Boston, MA. Slowly, after five years, her numbness began to subside.

Over and over again, she talked with her Spiritual Director about the promise of eternal life…the fact that life has changed for Paul, not ended. The fact that she would indeed see him again. For the first time since 2002 Diane, in the rich teachings of the Catholic Church, finally found peace, comfort, and hope.

All this while, I was on a different journey. I put my feelings and emotions in a tightly wrapped box deep within me, while pretending to the entire world that nothing was wrong and that I was fine.

It is indeed fortunate that my wife and I had the wisdom to grant each other the ability to grieve in our own ways and so avoid what many married grieving parents experience – a good marriage becoming fragile or totally falling apart because of resentment or misunderstanding of the ways in which each other are grieving.

Eventually Diane made the life-changing decision to leave her position as vice president of a local college and go to work raising money for the Shrine in Boston. Growing more deeply in her spirituality, she eventually felt called to ask the Guardian of St Anthony Shrine if he would support a ministry to spiritually serve other deeply wounded grieving parents. She believed that focusing on the spirituality of the grieving process could help many other parents as much as it helped her. He agreed, and together they decided to offer a spiritual retreat for parents whose children had died. They opened it to any parent whose child of any age had died by any cause—no matter how long ago, and no matter how close the parent did or did not feel to God.

And so, with nothing more than trust that the Holy Spirit would guide their efforts, Diane and the Franciscan friars of St Anthony Shrine held their first retreat in March of 2009. I initially wanted no part of this endeavor, reasoning that real men bear up no matter what, fearing any display of any weakness or helplessness. Nevertheless, I ultimately went to the retreat to support Diane. There is no doubt in my mind that during that weekend I, too, was showered with the gifts the Holy Spirit so generously offered that day.

Fr. David Convertino, OFM, then Guardian, described that initial retreat, “This was one of the most grace-filled experiences that I have had during my entire life as a priest and as a friar.”

From this uncertain beginning, the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents was born. It now offers One-Hour, One-Day, and Weekend Spiritual Retreats wherever it is called to do so.

The ministry does not provide therapy or function as a support group. In fact, parents are told that they will not be asked to stand up and relate their stories, or even to speak at all, unless they choose to do so. Rather, the ministry seeks to create a safe and sacred space for parents to “undress their hearts” before God and others who know and feel their pain—and to focus on the tenets of our Catholic faith and the certainty of the Communion of Saints now and in the future. Truly it is new evangelization in action.

Since its inception, this ministry has helped hundreds of parents initiate or reinvigorate their relationship with God—and with their deceased children. Over the past eight years it has evolved into a ministry for grieving parents offered by grieving parents. Very much parent-led, it is a ministry requiring very little parish or diocesan time or money. Parents struggle through and share the horrendous pain of their own journeys with each other, while inviting Jesus to join and comfort them, just as he comforted his grieving disciples on the road to Emmaus.

To the best of our knowledge, there is no other similar type of ongoing ministry focused on the spirituality of the parent’s grieving process anywhere in the United States. Since its inception, the ministry has served hundreds of parents from sixteen states, as well as Canada.

While its spiritual home continues to be St. Anthony Shrine in Boston, the ministry, as a 501(c) (3) non-profit, now partners in ministry with the Archdiocese of Boston, the Diocese of Wheeling-Charleston WV, and parishes in RI and CT as part of its mission to assist other parents and dioceses in introducing and maintaining this powerful ministry.

After one or more initial retreats offered in collaboration with our Boston-based retreat team, typically local parents are called by the Holy Spirit to carry the ministry forward in their own areas. In providing witness through personal testimony to other parents, many have found that “It is in consoling that we are consoled.”

Introducing the ministry in your area at little or no cost is relatively easy. Because we have been blessed with generous donations and several grant awards, we are able to come to you, wherever you are, bringing many years of experience and well-developed templates for offering your Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents spiritual retreats. Please call us at 617-542-8057 for more information or email diane@emfgp.org.

About the author
Charley Monaghan is a co-founder of the Emmaus Ministry for Grieving Parents, which serves the spiritual needs of parents whose children of any age have died by any cause, no matter how long ago. The ministry is based in Boston, MA.

Illness

Many kinds of illness- physical, mental and emotional- can impact a marriage. They range from the occasional cold, to an unexpected accident, to chronic or terminal illness.

Here we consider long term or chronic illnesses, and serious conditions such as cancer, loss of a limb, diabetes, and life- altering disabilities. All of these test the “in sickness and in health” part of the couple’s marriage vow. Illness, especially chronic illness, changes the relationship with spouse, family, friends, social network, and God. Illness can bring out the best – and sometimes the worst – in both spouses.

A long or severe illness is usually a crisis- a turning point that can lead to ruin or renewal. A chronic or life-threatening illness creates a demand for a “new normalcy.” Not only do familiar daily patterns change, but also your expectations of how you will live, love, and share a mutual life. There is no going back to the way things were – only a going forward. At times it can feel like a roller coaster ride from hope to despair and back to hope. That’s normal. In addition to dealing with the illness itself, other issues that couples need to address include finances, ability to work, lifestyle, intimacy, and emotional and practical support for everyday life.

Dealing with the illness

This starts with understanding your illness and accessing the best medical treatment possible. Many people turn to the internet for assistance. This can be both a blessing and a curse. Which websites offer reliable help? How can you distinguish valid medical information from advertisements? See the websites below for a start. It’s crucial to have a strong network of support. Initially, many people want to help by bringing food, running errands, visiting, calling, and praying. As time goes on, however, many do not know how to give sustained help. The person with the illness and the caregiver(s) may fear asking too much or too often.

Suggestions

  • Keep building your support networks as you age. Make sure you ask many people who can give at least a little time rather than depending on one or two people to do it all. Draw from church groups, neighbors, friends, relatives, community support, and support groups of persons with similar illnesses. Try to have at least five good support friends, or more, to insure that one will usually be available to lend a hand. Depending too much on the same group of people can burn out the entire group.
  • Develop a mutually respectful relationship with your doctor(s). The less stress you feel about your medical care and frustration of dealing with the system, the better your chances for recovery.
  • The primary caregiver needs care too. If you are the caregiver, treat yourself with as much kindness and care as you do your ill spouse.
  • Take advantage of support groups for people with your illness. Look into partnering with a “patient navigator” to help you move through the medical system. Hospitals often sponsor support groups or can link you with a mentor.

Financial stressors

Some couples are blessed with insurance that covers expensive treatments when illness strikes. It may not cover lost income, however. When a wage earner loses a job, everything changes. You may need to draw down your savings and cultivate a simpler lifestyle. The illness may affect the kind of job your spouse needs to get.

If a couple is younger (especially if you are still in the active parenting stage) the financial stressors can be even greater. Some couples use up their resources and need to declare bankruptcy or hope to qualify for Medicaid.

Suggestions

  • While you’re still well, consult with a person who understands the financial issues involved with chronic illness and disability. Make sure you have both a short term and long term plan.
  • If it’s too late for the “while you are well” suggestion, do it now and lean on the medical support services to guide you.

Work

The loss of a job has repercussions besides loss of income. Identity is closely tied to one’s work. Work helps us feel productive, important, and useful. We may need to grieve the loss of this identity. Loss of employment also takes away important social networks. The caregiver may have to take on additional employment or household responsibilities. These role reversals can be difficult for both partners. Few people like depend on another for daily care. The ill spouse may feel guilty about burdening the caregiving spouse. Self-esteem takes a hit. Meanwhile, as generous and loving as the caregiver is, this “job” is time-consuming and draining.

Lifestyle and Recreation

The caregiver might have to do things that he or she had previously not done. The illness can become the focus of your life and everything can revolve around it: researching it, getting to/from treatment, dealing with side effects, doctor visits and support groups. Even cooking can be a challenge if the ill person needs a special diet or needs to be coaxed to eat. Recreational pursuits that both of you previously enjoyed may become physically impossible. Travel may be more difficult. This doesn’t mean you don’t have fun; you just have to be creative about finding new interests that fit changing physical abilities. Recreation may become more passive such as watching TV, movies, or going out to eat. The caregiver may need solo recreation such as working in the garden or going out with friends.

Suggestions

  • Careful planning can help couples work out treatment schedules, but make peace with the reality that the future is not knowable or predictable.
  • Keep a sense of humor. Make sure that each day includes some type of play and spiritual activity.
  • Do not let the illness become the primary organizing principle of your life, even though recreation might not be what you’re used to. Persons who do the best in treatment are those who continue to play, take short vacations or day trips, and continue to socialize to the extent they are able.

Intimacy and sex

Physical limitations, emotional and physical fatigue, financial pressures, and lack of time can all affect intimacy and lovemaking. Snuggling may replace sexual intercourse. Sometimes, even touching or holding is difficult. Many chronically ill people report that although sexual intercourse is limited or non-existent, emotional and spiritual closeness increases because of the shared trauma. Look for new ways to express your love so that you can sustain a caring, growing relationship.

Mental Illness

A spouse with mental illness presents an even more complicated situation. The disease is harder to “see” and often caries a stigma. Relative and friends may not be compassionate. It can be hard for the caregiver if the spouse is unwilling to accept help and follow treatment. The mentally ill person may show little gratitude for the efforts of the caregiving spouse. In this situation, a support group with an effective counselor is a must.

RESOURCES:

Hanks, Jerry and de Cordova-Hanks, Bobbie. Tears of Joy. Infinity Publishing, 2006.

Stephen Ministries trains and organizes lay people to provide one-to-one Christian care to hurting people in a faith based setting.

The author acknowledges the Durham, NC Cancer Support Group for its help.

For Further Reading:

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.