Tag Archives: Married Life

Life Matters: Domestic Violence

October is both Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Respect Life Month. The following is the full text of a pamphlet from the 2013-2014 Respect Life Program. All seven pamphlets are available here.

Domestic violence is a hidden scourge on our families and communities. Those who are victimized often keep it a private matter for various reasons: fear, shame, well-intended efforts to preserve the family. Aggressors, if they even recognize their problem, are not likely to have it addressed. Yet it touches many, and knows no boundaries of race, social class, ethnicity, creed or age (most victims are first abused as teens). Statistics suggest one in four women experience domestic violence in their lifetime, and three in four Americans are reported to know a victim, though most episodes are not reported to the authorities. Although the majority of victims are female, an estimated 15% are males.

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are typically used together in a relationship to control the victim. Persons may be married, living together, or dating. Examples of emotional abuse include name-calling, putdowns, restricting contact with family or friends, withholding money, preventing a partner from working, actual or threatened physical harm (hitting, pushing, shoving), sexual assault, stalking, and intimidation. In The Gospel of Life Blessed John Paul II highlighted the gravity of the issue: “At the root of every act of violence against one’s neighbor there is a concession to the ‘thinking’ of the evil one, the one who ‘was a murderer from the beginning’ (Jn 8:44).” He also outlined the importance of the family as the primary community of life and love in which children are nurtured. How vital it is, then, to understand how to keep family members safe from violence in their homes, and how to heal and reunite families where violence has occurred, when possible.

The person being harmed

Persons experiencing domestic violence are often termed “victims,” or if the situation has resolved, “survivors,” but it is most important to recall they are children of God, with inherent dignity and deserving our love and respect. This is especially true because as abused persons they are often plagued by feelings of shame, fear, and depression, and have lost sight of the essential fact of their dignity and worthiness to be loved. At times they may also make decisions that cause an observer (family member or friend) to question their judgment, or become frustrated with them for remaining in what seems to be an obviously dangerous or hopeless situation.

It is commonly accepted that domestic violence is rarely an isolated incident, but is a pattern of behavior aimed at establishing and maintaining power and control over another. The pattern is typically described as a “cycle of violence,” and the seriousness escalates with each occurrence. The “cycle” begins with a “set-up” phase: The abuser creates a situation in which the victim has no choice but to react in a way that, in the abuser’s mind, justifies the abuse. After the violence, the abuser may fear being held accountable, and so may apologize or make excuses for his or her behavior, pledge to never do it again, or use gifts as a way of coping with guilt or preventing the victim from telling. Next, however, the abuser may excuse the incident as the victim’s fault, or resume “life as usual” as if nothing happened. The abuser expects that the victim will participate in the cover-up. Finally, the abuser thinks about the past and the future in a manner that drives the abuser to mentally “set up” the next episode of violence.

Some victims of domestic abuse have a tendency to “normalize” violent behavior based on experiences in their family of origin, where they struggled with their sense of self-worth, setting boundaries, or emotional dependence. Even though the family of origin was dysfunctional, its unhealthy equilibrium may have been the only thing the person knew.

Consequently, some may feel guilty about considering betraying the abuser, or fear they will be judged or further deprived of affection if they disclose or attempt to leave. These persons benefit from counseling that affirms their inherent dignity, helps them understand the dysfunctional patterns in their past and current relationships, and assists them in establishing a safe home and relationships.

Who are the abusers, and is there hope?

Although common characteristics have been identified, there is no “typical” abuser. In public, they may appear friendly and loving to their family, while the violence and its consequences are hidden from view. The violence does not happen randomly, or solely because of stress or substance abuse; abusers use violence to get what they want. This being said, it is important to recognize that the abusers were not “born that way,” but have their own history of developmental and family problems (often being abused) that can explain how they learned to be aggressive. Because abusers often have a poor sense of self-worth, they do not take responsibility for their actions and try to blame the victim instead. Thus the person perpetrating the violence needs his own help and healing.

Aggressors must first become aware of their need for psychological assistance before they can recover and exercise healthier patterns of bonding and communicating. It is difficult for people to seek help, often burdened by shame, fear of being judged, or psychological issues (e.g., addictions). Once the problem is recognized, there is reason for hope: psychotherapists can help such persons with their thinking, forgiveness, emotional stability, and relationship skills. These skills (e.g., empathy) should be developed first with close friends and family members (initially not the victim), so that the aggressor can experience a healthy manner of dealing with his emotions and disappointments.

Although this work can be lengthy and painful, as the perpetrator’s own dignity and worth are rediscovered and affirmed, his ability to then approach and attempt reconciliation with the offended person is greatly enhanced.

The role of friends and extended family

Although this problem tends to be hidden, friends, colleagues, and extended family can play a critical role in fostering peace. Victims generally ask for help only when the risk of violence increases. An important step to help in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing certain risk factors such as jealousy, hypersensitivity and possessiveness, or controlling, explosive or threatening behaviors. If you believe someone you know may be in a troubled situation, you should call a hotline number for assistance, or encourage the person to do so themselves (911, the local hotline, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233/TTY 1-800-787-3224). Research shows that accessing domestic violence shelter resources reduces the incidence and severity of future violence substantially. When recovering from abuse, victims need guidance in planning for their safety. Consultation with legal advisors can help them to understand how to report and ask for further protection.

In sum, the gravity and difficulty for families touched by domestic violence is severe.

Although the struggle toward healing and recovery can be difficult, our faith gives us reason for hope. On the World Day of Peace in 1997, Blessed John Paul II focused on this theme, as demanding as it is vital: “Offer forgiveness and receive peace…. I know well that it is hard, and sometimes even appears to be impossible to forgive, but it is the only way, because all revenge and all violence give rise to further revenge and violence. It is certainly less difficult to forgive when one is aware that God never tires of loving and forgiving us…. Let us never forget that everything passes, and only the eternal can fill the heart.”

More resources

About the author
Frank J. Moncher, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist of the Catholic Diocese of Arlington (VA) and Managing Director of Integration and Training, Catholic Charities Diocese of Arlington.

About the document

Reprinted with permission from:

Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
3211 Fourth Street NE • Washington, DC 20017-1194
Tel: (202) 541-3070 • Fax: (202) 541-3054
Website: www.usccb.org/prolife

Copyright © 2013, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops,Washington, D.C.

A Bittersweet Bucket List

Usually when people say that a goal is on their “bucket list” it means that sometime in the as-yet-unplanned, perhaps even distant, future, they’ll hopefully get around to doing something they always wanted to do before they die: memory-making, picture-taking adventures like hang-gliding, traveling to an exotic land, or even writing one’s first novel.

But today I learned about a very different bucket list. Dan and Jenna Haley, young, faith-filled parents from Philadelphia, are expecting their first-born child next month. In April, they learned that their son, Shane Michael, has anencephaly which means that he is missing parts of his brain and possibly skull, and so is not expected to live long. Depending on the severity of his condition, doctors say he may survive as little as a few hours or may live over a year. To celebrate him during Jenna’s pregnancy, they crafted a bucket list of their own favorite things to do. In a local news story, Dan said: “Most families wait until their baby is born to start making memories and traveling to places with them. We…knew that our time with our son could be very limited, so we wanted to make the most of the time that we had with him.”

At the time of this writing, Shane Michael is 35 weeks old in Jenna’s womb, and has been with his parents to many of the places that were significant to them as children: zoos, Delaware beaches, and an aquarium. He’s ridden the famous Wildwood, NJ, ferris wheel, attended family baseball games, and been with his praying parents at the shrines of St. John Neumann and St. Rita. He’s “met” the Phillies and the Flyers, enjoyed Geno’s cheesesteaks, and made a field trip up to New York City, where they visited the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building, among other sites. He and his parents were also honored by friends and family members with a “shower of love” – a different kind of baby shower surrounding these courageous parents with encouragement and support, as well as affection for their little, severely disabled boy.

The Haleys have openly shared their adventures with over 100,000 followers on their “Prayers for Shane” Facebook page. They write: “We are asking for your prayers and support and that God grants us as much time as possible with our beautiful son. Shane has already proven to us that each day must be lived to the fullest and that is exactly what our little family is doing.”

What an incredible witness to the dignity of life! This beautiful couple resisted not only any pressure to abort Shane because of his medical condition, but also the temptation to hide him from the world. Their story shows that every person deserves to be loved. In sharing their bittersweet journey with others, they have shared their son Shane Michael with a huge community who, in turn, have rallied around the couple in their joys, sorrows, and fears. May their story be an encouragement to other families facing adverse prenatal diagnoses.

About the author
Deirdre A. McQuade is Assistant Director for Policy & Communications at the Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities, U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. This article originally appeared in the Life Issues Forum and is reposted by permission.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use

Pornography has become increasingly more available and accepted in today’s society. Both men and women of all ages have become entangled in the lies and pain of pornography use and even addiction, which has devastating effects on the user and his or her spouse and family.

It is important that those who are using pornography and those that are affected by a spouse’s receive the support and healing that they need. Below is a select list of resources for those who are struggling with pornography, as well as for their spouses and family members.

For more information about pornography from For Your Marriage, including statistics on pornography use, please visit our Overcoming Obstacles: Pornography articles.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

Table of Contents

Prayer Resources

Prayer plays a crucial role in the process of breaking free from pornography use.

Here is a link to a Novena for Purity from Covenant Eyes and the Angelic Warfare Confraternity.

Some patron saints of those struggling with purity, whether occasionally or habitually, are: St. Agnes, St. Maria Goretti, St. Augustine of Hippo, St. Gemma Galgani, St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Margaret of Cortona, St. Thérèse of Lisieux, St. Joseph, and the Blessed Virgin Mary .

Help for Men and Women

Catholic support groups and recovery programs

The Angelic Warfare Confraternity
A supernatural fellowship of men and women dedicated to pursuing chastity under the patronage of St. Thomas Aquinas and the Blessed Virgin Mary. The Confraternity is an official apostolate of the Dominican Order.

Breaking Free Blog (for men)
Men helping men to break free and stay free from pornography. Run by the Family Life Center International.

Catholic Support Group for Sexual Addictions and Recovery
Online discussion group where men and women who struggle with sexual addictions support each other through accountability and prayer.

Exodus 90 (for men)
A ninety-day challenge of prayer, asceticism, and fraternity that is designed to help men attain freedom from sexual sin or other struggles. The program developed at a seminary, and today is transforming the lives of thousands of Catholic men across the country. In Exodus 90, men form small teams to go through the challenge together and support one another as they strive to grow in virtue.

Freedom Coaching
One-on-one mentoring program designed to break the attraction to pornified images. Going beyond mere coping mechanisms, Freedom Coaching is designed to help clients, through a transformation of their desires, to seek and find what is true, good, and beautiful, something that pornified images can never provide.

Imago Dei Counseling
Offers individual and couples counseling/coaching in Colorado Springs as well as telephonically for those dealing with pornography and its effects; also available for adolescents, with the coordination of their parents. The program also provides Catholic Men’s Teleconference, a confidential telephonic men’s program for support in working steps towards healing and recovery from sexual addictions, and Intimacy Restored Intensives, a three-day workshop (Intensive Outpatient Treatment – IOT) in Colorado Springs for couples to begin the process of healing from issues related to pornography or sexual behavior.

Integrity Restored
Founded by Dr. Peter Kleponis, author of the book Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography, Integrity Restored is an organization dedicated to helping Catholics fight pornography at all levels. Dr. Kleponis and his Integrity Restored Team – Matt Fradd, Fr. Sean Kilcawley and Ryan Foley – provide valuable resources and advice on how to protect individuals, couples and families from the dangers of pornography. Resources are also available for clergy. In addition, information is provided on the Integrity Starts Here Recovery Program, the first comprehensive recovery program for Catholics struggling with pornography addiction and their loved ones.

The King’s Men (for men)
Men’s group focused on building up men as leaders, protectors, and providers. The King’s Men has a special focus on helping men find freedom from pornography addiction with the help of fraternal accountability. Also facilitates wilderness retreats, healing retreats and parish-based weekly groups in some areas.

My House Initiative
A program of the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas, My House offers resources for protecting children and families from pornography. A short video with Matthew Kelly and Archbishop Joseph Naumann is available in English and Spanish for protecting families from pornography. Confession cards, church posters, flyers and prayer cards are also available in both English and Spanish. The videos and resources are available for other dioceses to adapt. The My House Initiative also provides help for individuals and couples who are struggling with pornography including four professional counselors, five weekly recovery groups, and assistance for spouses of pornography users.

Overcome Porn Addiction
Video-based online course for men seeking to overcome pornography addiction. Includes a “Steps to Victory” checklist and a 17-week “Path to Victory Bootcamp” with week-by-week instructions and specific actions to take.

The Porn Effect
The Porn Effect was started by Matt Fradd, a well-known Catholic speaker on pornography. A former addict himself, Matt is now an advocate for breaking pornography addictions. The site offers a number of resources for men and women struggling with pornography, including a 5-step “Battle Plan” and “Ask the Expert” feature.

Reclaim Sexual Health
Science-based, Catholic resources for those impacted by pornography, masturbation, or other unhealthy sexual behaviors. Offers an anonymous online recovery program for pornography users and spouses of pornography users. Also has information for parents about protecting their children from pornography.

Other Christian support groups and recovery programs

Be Broken Ministries
Be Broken Ministries exists to help men break free from sexually addictive behaviors in order to experience the fullness of life as God created it. They offer workshops, e-courses, in-person and long-distance coaching, and resources for both men and their wives.

Beggar’s Daughter (for women)
Jessica Harris is a former porn addict whose blog covers topics such as pornography, lust, and addiction – all from a women’s perspective. She is now a speaker and author of a devotional, Love Done Right, a collection of devotionals specifically written for Christian women struggling with lust.

Bethesda Workshops
The mission of Bethesda Workshops is to encourage sexual wholeness by ministering to men and women damaged by sexual sin and addiction, and those hurt by a spouse’s sexual addiction. They offer intensive healing workshops in Nashville, TN for both men and women.

Bravehearts
A mentoring program to help men break free from sexual addiction and pornography use. Founded by Michael Leahy, who has a powerful conversion story from a life damaged by pornography addiction.

Heart to Heart Counseling Center
Provides professional counseling to those struggling with sexual addiction and their spouses. Located in Colorado Springs but also presents 3-5 day intensive workshops around the country.

Lifestar Therapy
Offers an intensive 6-day outpatient program (IOP) in a safe, nonjudgmental environment where those struggling with pornography and sexual addiction can find help in treating their addiction. With a strong faith base, Lifestar Therapy integrates developing healthy lifestyle changes and a strong connection with God to help people struggling with addiction and their loved ones to heal. Download the free ebook, “The First Step.” For more information, call 888-980-1600 or email info@lifestariop.com.

New Life Partners (for women)
An online resource and support group for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction.

Proven Men Ministries
Proven Men is a sexual integrity ministry that partners with churches, offering discipleship resources, in order to see individuals and families equipped and restored.

Pure Life Ministries
Pure Life Ministries offers a number of resources and courses for men, women, wives, and pastoral leaders, including a residential treatment program in rural Kentucky, phone counseling, and a home study program for spouses of pornography users and teens.

XXXChurch
Support for men and women dealing with pornography addiction, as well as for parents and those who are involved in the pornography industry. X3Pure provides 30-day online workshops for men, women, couples and parents. X3Groups offers small online support groups led by a trained team member.

Other support groups and recovery programs

Fortify
A mobile-based recovery program from Fight the New Drug. Youth-oriented and free to anyone under the age of 21. Also includes video education on pornography.

No-Porn.com
Since 1997, No-Porn.com has helped men and women of all backgrounds recover from pornography addiction.

Sexaholics Anonymous
A recovery program and fellowship of men and women who support each other in staying sexually sober. SA is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and uses a Twelve Step Program. It is not affiliated with any religion or organization.

S-Anon International Family Groups
A program of recovery for those who have been affected by someone else’s sexual behavior. S-Anon is based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and uses a Twelve Step Program. It is not affiliated with any religion or organization. Also provides special programs for teenagers: S-Ateen.

Help for Parents

Covenant Eyes: Unfiltered
A Parent Workshop Kit “for an Ongoing Conversation about Internet Pornography” produced by filtering and accountability site Covenant Eyes. Available online for free: “Protecting Your Family Online: A parent’s how-to guide.”

Enough is Enough
Educational site for parents about how to effectively protect children from online pornography, sexual predators, cyberbullies, and other online dangers.

Faith and Safety: Technology Safety Through the Eyes of Faith
Educational site for parents run by the USCCB and the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America. Provides conversation starters for families about technology, family media agreements, reviews of different apps and websites popular among young people, and more.

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson and Gail Poyner
A read-aloud story that helps parents teach their children what pornography is, why it’s dangerous, and how to avoid it. It also teaches basic concepts about pornography and brain science, in a way that children can understand. A book for children ages 3-6 is also available, Good Pictures, Bad Pictures Jr: A Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds.

Integrity Restored
Founded by Dr. Peter Kleponis, author of the book The Pornography Epidemic: A Catholic Approach, Integrity Restored has a section of their website dedicated to helping parents protect their children from pornography and help them navigate a culture imbued with pornography.

Pure Hope
Provides Christian solutions in a sexualized culture. Equips individuals, parents, families and churches to pursue sexual purity and oppose sexual exploitation. Key areas of focus include parenting, justice (combatting sex trafficking), and recovery for men and women addicted to pornography. Free downloadable resources include “Parenting in a Sexualized Culture” and “Recovery in a Sexualized Culture.”

Protect Young Eyes
Protect Young Eyes is a constantly updated, free website for parents who want to better understand apps, social media platforms, parental controls on popular devices, and how to create an internet-safer home for their kids. Subscribe to their parent technology newsletter by texting the word “protect” (no quotes) to 66866.

Protect Young Minds
Led by Kristen A. Jenson, author of the best-selling children’s book Good Pictures Bad Pictures, Protect Young Minds™ (PYM) seeks to help parents “porn-proof” their kids before they come across highly addictive and easily accessible internet pornography. Additionally, PYM offers guidance for families whose children have already been hurt by pornography, and hopes to serve as a “force multiplier” by empowering proactive people who want to educate their local communities

Help for Priests

You Are Loved
As a result of the epidemic of pornography, priests have asked Catholic Answers to produce material specifically to address the subject. Catholic Answers published a resource titled You Are Loved, which offers inspiration and hope for the countless individuals struggling to break free of pornography. Perfect for confessional use, pastoral or counseling support on this particular topic.

Internet Filtering Tools

Covenant Eyes
Offers both internet accountability and filtering systems. Internet accountability helps to reduce temptation and start conversations about online activity. The filter systems will prevent users from accessing certain content and websites. Both of these systems are designed for parents, children, and adults. Available on various devices.

X3Watch
X3Watch, an initiative of XXXChurch, is an accountability and filtering program that allows you to monitor your Internet use, block URLs, filter content, and share your progress with people you trust. Available on various devices.

Advocacy and Education Resources

Catholic Answers
Videos of chastity speaker Matt Fradd talking about pornography addiction, recovery, and more.

The Chastity Project
A ministry run by chastity speakers Jason and Crystalina Evert, the Chastity Project features videos on the effects of pornography and recovery from addiction, as well as other chastity-related topics.

Fight the New Drug
A grassroots, youth oriented, non-religious, non-legislative, non-profit organization dedicated to raising awareness on the harmful effects of pornography. They also have a recovery program called “Fortify” (see above).

MaritalHealing.com
An overview of the psychological aspects of pornography addiction and its effects on marriage.

National Center on Sexual Exploitation
Formerly Morality in Media, this is the leading national organization opposing pornography and indecency through public education. Numerous informative articles about the pornography industry, sex trafficking, and research on pornography’s negative effects.

The Social Costs of Pornography
In 2010, the Witherspoon Institute published a book of essays about pornography by leading experts in psychology, sociology, law, and more. The companion website of the same name features videos by the authors and others on various topics related to pornography and the pornography industry.

Whispered in the Dark
 This one-day conference aims to bring concerned adults, parents, teachers, single/dating folks, priests, lay people, anyone who wants be more educated on this epidemic up to date with  the best tools and resources to help  face, battle, and overcome pornography.

DVDs

Conquer Series: A Battle Plan for Purity
A five-episode DVD series with a leader’s guide, hosted by Dr. Ted Roberts, founder of Pure Desire Ministries. The series provides scientific information about the effects of pornography and lays out a spiritual strategy for defeating pornography use and addiction. Good for use in small groups or support groups.

The Heart of the Matter: Finding Light in the Darkness of Pornography Addiction
A documentary featuring interviews with men and woman about how pornography affected their lives and how they found freedom from it. Special features include a guide for parents, help for wives, and a guide for recovery. 75 minutes, with English, Spanish, Portuguese and Romanian subtitles.

Books and Other Print Resources

Bought With a Price: Every Man’s Duty to Protect Himself and His Family from a Pornographic Culture by Bishop Paul S. Loverde (Diocese of Arlington, 2014).
An updated version of Bishop Loverde’s 2006 pastoral letter on the same topic. The small booklet includes a study guide and a suggested rule of life for those wishing to be free from pornography. See also Bishop Loverde’s article in First Things about the letter’s release: “Let the Battle for Purity Begin” (March 19, 2014).

Delivered: True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned from Porn to Purity edited by Matt Fradd, foreword by Jason Evert (San Diego: Catholic Answers Press, 2013).
A compilation of real-life, first-person narratives about the corrosive effects of pornography on both men and women, as well as the possibility of gaining deliverance from pornography use and addiction.

Integrity Restored: Helping Catholic Families Win the Battle Against Pornography by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. (Steubenville, OH: Emmaus Road Publishing, 2014).
Written by clinical therapist and founder of Integrity Restored (see above), this book provides an overview of the effects of pornography on men, women, children, and society, as well as practical advice for breaking free of pornography.

Overcoming Pornography Addiction: A Spiritual Solution by J. Brian Bransfield (New York: Paulist Press, 2013).
A short book by a well-known author and speaker on St. John Paul II’s teachings on the theology of the body. The struggle of pornography is examined through an extended reflection on Chapter 4 of the Gospel of John, Jesus’ encounter with the Samaritan woman at the well. Read a review of the book on the For Your Marriage website.

Restored: True Stories of Love and Trust After Porn edited by Matt and Cameron Fradd
In Restored you’ll read ten honest, hard-hitting accounts of real women and couples whose lives were shattered by porn’s destructive effects. But because God’s grace is stronger, they were able to find healing and hope, trust renewed, and intimacy Restored. Read a review of the book on the For Your Marriage website. 

Restoring the Years: A Healing Workbook for Women Dealing with their Husband’s Pornography/Sexual Addiction by Gwyneth Pierce
This interactive book provides women with encouragement and advice about coping with a husband’s addiction to pornography, grounded in Christian teaching and up-to-date psychological science. There is space for journaling and reflecting on relevant Scripture passages.

Restoring the Years: Winning the Battle over Sexual Addiction and Pornography by Gwyneth Pierce.
Restoring the Years provides the earnest reader wisdom and insights drawn from men and women who have fought the fight before you and won! Their stories are backed up with scriptural support, scientific data, and input from noted researchers. You don’t have to let the darkness overtake you. You, too, can overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony. Let today be a new chapter of hope, freedom, and victory.

The Social Costs of Pornography: A Collection of Papers edited by James R. Stoner, Jr. and Donna M. Hughes (Princeton: Witherspoon Institute, 2010).
A compilation of essays on the harms of pornography, moral arguments against it, and issues related to law and policy. The appendix lists main research findings. A companion website provides more information, as well as links to purchase the book, summary version of the book, and a DVD with presentations by the authors.

Transformed by Beauty, Co-Authored by Amanda Zurface, JCL and The Catholic Gentleman’s Sam Guzman.
Transformed by Beauty is a free e-book offered by Covenant Eyes Inc., the pioneer of Internet Accountability software. Beauty can change your life. That’s a bold statement, but one that has been proven true by countless people. In this e-book, you’ll meet a priest, a musician, a ballerina, and a body builder who all have one thing in common: They found freedom, healing, and peace because they encountered the beauty of a transcendent God. In this free download, you’ll learn: How beauty can help you heal from the wounds of pornography; How to have a redeemed vision and a sacramental approach to sexuality; and How we are called to be craftsmen in making beautiful things.

Wired for Intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain by William M. Struthers (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2009).
Written by an associate professor of psychology, this book explains in plain language the science behind the effects of pornography on the brain, particularly the male brain, as well as how and why addiction happens. Includes a reflection on healthy masculinity in the Christian understanding of the human person.

You Are Loved
A short booklet that offers inspiration and hope for the countless individuals struggling to break free of pornography. Published by Catholic Answers.

The Song: A Call to Unquenchable Love

“Even the wisest of men was a fool for love.”

Coming to theaters September 26, 2014, the music-driven film The Song tells a story of love, courtship, marriage, betrayal and redemption that will ring true to all viewers who have learned firsthand what Pope Francis told twenty brides and grooms on their wedding day: the path of marriage “is not always a smooth one … It is a demanding journey, at times difficult, and at times turbulent, but such is life!”

The Song 1

The drama of The Song centers on aspiring folk singer-songwriter Jed King, whom we meet as he struggles to make a name for himself and escape the shadow of his famous musician father, David. Jed reluctantly agrees to a gig at a local vineyard, where he meets the vineyard owner’s daughter, Rose. A romance quickly blossoms, and Jed and Rose are married. In the joy of the dawn after his wedding night, Jed writes “The Song” for his beloved new bride.

This tender love song becomes a surprising breakout hit, and Jed is thrust into the blinding lights of stardom. Temptation is quick on his heels in the form of his attractive touring partner, violinist Shelby Bale, who stokes his ego and challenges his old-fashioned devotion to his wife. As Jed’s popularity grows, his marriage and family life begin a slow, agonizing tailspin of unmet needs, blame, and mistrust, leading finally to a rock-bottom questioning of everything he once believed in: his wife, his faith, and the possibility of lifelong love.

The Song 3

For the viewer well-versed in Scripture, it will come as no surprise that The Song finds its inspiration in “the” song of Scripture, namely the Song of Songs attributed to Solomon. The ancient poetry of the Song of Songs takes on new life in Jed and Rose’s innocent courtship and joyful early marriage:

My lover speaks; he says to me, “Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come! For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come. … Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!” (Song of Songs, 2:10-13)

You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride; you have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes … How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride, how much more delightful is your love than wine! (Song of Songs, 4:9-10)

In fact, the film echoes not only the Song of Songs, but also Ecclesiastes, also attributed to Solomon. The Song treats Ecclesiastes as autobiographical, tracing Solomon’s later years of searching after meaning in a world filled with pleasure but bereft of true satisfaction. Indeed, as the stresses and tension of Jed’s fame and both spouses’ needs threaten to suffocate the joy of their married life, their malaise is aptly described in the words of Ecclesiastes: “Vanity of vanities, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!” (Ecc. 1:2)

And as Jed seeks to fill his aching heart with popularity, novelty, women and wine, the words of Solomon ring bitingly true:

Nothing that my eyes desired did I deny them, nor did I deprive myself of any joy. … But when I turned to all the works that my hands had wrought, and to the toil at which I had taken such pains, behold! all was vanity and a chasing after wind. (Ecc. 2:10-11)

Such sentiments could easily be put on the lips of so many men and women today. The Song’s strength comes from focusing a fierce, unflinching eye on the suffering experienced by a husband and wife who lose the first joy of marriage, both by subtly “drifting apart” and by more forceful jolts of betrayal and infidelity. Undoubtedly many families will see themselves on the screen in the bewildering undertow of hurt caused by those closest to us, and a seeming inability to recover lost love.

The Song 4

But there is hope! Spoiler alert: The Song has a happy ending. (After all, it is a Christian film!) But the happy ending does not happen in a flip-a-switch-and-everything-is-better sort of way. It’s clear that even after escaping severe trials with their marriage intact, Rose and Jed have some major healing to do. The film is honest in this way too. The wounds inflicted by one’s spouse are not healed instantly, and trust needs to be slowly and resolutely rebuilt. But renewal is possible. The Song gives a realistic message of hope to struggling marriages: Hang in there! Rediscovering your beloved and your “first love” is possible, and it’s worth it!

In this too, The Song echoes Pope Francis’ encouragement to married couples:

To spouses who ‘have become impatient on the way’ and who succumb to the dangerous temptation of discouragement, infidelity, weakness, abandonment… To them too, God the Father gives his Son Jesus, not to condemn them, but to save them: if they entrust themselves to him, he will bring them healing by the merciful love which pours forth from the Cross.

The Song is cinematically impressive, musically enjoyable, and connects to the age-old longing of the human heart for true love and communion. It leaves another line from the Song of Songs in its wake, verses that remind husbands and wives of the rock-solid foundation of their married love:

For stern as death is love,
Relentless as the nether world is devotion;
Deep waters cannot quench love,
Nor floods sweep it away.
(Song of Songs, 8:6-7)

For more information about THE SONG visit The Song website.

Making Multicultural Relationships Work: Our Experience as a Chilean-American Couple

On one particular day in October 2011 (I am not sure of the precise date), I was making my way to class at the Pontifical Catholic University in Santiago, Chile, where I was studying abroad for a semester. The class was held in room N2 in one of the university’s central buildings, a ‘California style’ classroom complex with all the doors facing out to the open air. I took my seat in the second row where I sat next to the other American students, two boys and two girls from the University of Notre Dame. At the beginning of each lecture, the teacher would silence the pre-class chit chat and take attendance, but on that particular day he was occupied with another task in the first couple minutes of class. So the professor delegated the attendance to an agronomy major, Juan, with whom he had been talking before class about his farm in southern Chile. Juan had black hair, tanned skin, and stood about 5’7” tall, and as he sat at the teacher’s desk calling off the list of names, I remember thinking that he had the most wonderful deep baritone voice. Today I hold this memory dear to my heart as the first time I remember seeing and hearing the man I am going to marry.

I have always liked the phrase, “If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.” In Chile they have a similar phrase, “Uno propone, Dios dispone” which means something like “Man suggests, God decides.” At that point in my life, I had no idea how true those words would become. I certainly never planned on marrying someone from another country. And yet several weeks later, Juan and I went on a date, salsa dancing, after which he walked me back to my apartment as we talked and talked. We started studying for class together and going on long walks, and our conversation would turn from to what we were interested in and our thoughts on life and faith. We began to realize that this might be for real. Even though we had no idea what the future might hold, with a little faith and a lot of discernment we decided that we would continue discerning a life together despite the long distance and obvious challenges that our relationship presented. And so, after the 11:00 Sunday mass on my last day of the semester abroad, we said goodbye with no fixed plans to see each other again but a certainty God was not yet done with us.

My plans to study more than one semester at the Pontifical and eventually do my Master’s in Linguistics at the University of Chile (which is what I’m doing now) made our relationship possible, albeit with lots of time as a long, long, long distance couple. Juan visited my home in Wisconsin and met my family a year ago. This past April, 2 years and 5 months after we met, he asked me to marry him. Needless to say, I said yes.

The story of how God calls two people to marriage is always beautiful and is unique for every couple. Our story has certainly been unique. At times I have wondered why God would call us to marriage if we are from such different places. Then again, why wouldn’t he? If there is one thing I have learned in my life over the past five years, it is that God has a habit of surprising his followers with plans far more wonderful and challenging than they would ever have made for themselves.

As I reflect on our journey, I would like to talk a little bit about one aspect of our relationship that is not so unique, which is that fact that Juan and I technically speaking are what one might call a multiracial/multicultural couple. I’m not a fan of the label, but the situation it describes is becoming more and more common given the diversity of the United States. Cultural differences, like any other differences we bring to a relationship, can present their own blessings and challenges. There is often a greater need for communication about topics which are taken for granted when you share the same cultural background. It is important to learn about the culture of your significant other, and to make sure you talk about things like: How are gender roles different in your respective cultures? How are children raised? What is the role of extended family? What are politics like? Which values are most important in your respective cultures? And most importantly, how does your significant other feel about these aspects of their culture? After all, we do not adhere to everything our culture dictates. As practicing Catholics, Juan and I find that our values and worldview are often profoundly countercultural in the both the United States and Chile.

Communication, as in any relationship, is very important. Hopefully an engaged couple shares the same values of faith and family. When little issues do arise, which can often stem from cultural differences, be willing to try and understand where your significant other is coming from and to know the difference between non-negotiable values and cultural preferences.

And these little issues will arise. For example, we still haven’t decided what to do about my last name when we marry. According to my cultural traditions, I would take Juan’s last name. But according to Hispanic tradition, I would keep my last name and our children would have two last names, first Juan’s paternal last name and then mine. There are also other issues that we will need to discuss when we have children. In Chile, for example, babies are often not baptized until they are over one year old. I prefer Baptism at a few months, as is typical in the U.S. Besides timeline difference like that, there are also often differences across in the types of educational systems. For example, when I first brought up the idea of potentially homeschooling, this was a completely foreign concept for Juan, as homeschooling is almost non-existent in Chile. And of course there is a language issue. I am the only Spanish-speaker in my family and Juan is the only English-speaker in his, so it will be a priority for us to make sure our children speak both Spanish and English fluently. How we go about doing that will surely be a topic of discussion down the road.

When one person in a relationship is not just from another culture but is also an immigrant, or will be, this can add a new level of stress to the relationship. Juan and I are currently in the process of making decisions about where we are going to live and how and where we are going to pursue our careers while prioritizing our family. Sometimes I worry about Juan facing discrimination in the United States or my children not getting as good an education in Chile. Decisions like these are stressful and incredibly complex, as they will have a tremendous impact on our future. Juan and I try to approach everything with as much openness and honesty as possible, as well as with a lot of prayer and discernment. While these decisions are very stressful, Juan and I have found that they also increase our intimacy as a couple, as they require a lot of in-depth and frank conversations about what we want out of life and how we believe we are called to live out our vocation.

Despite the challenges, multicultural relationships can also be incredibly enriching, so I would leave you with this little piece of advice: Celebrate the best of both cultures. Learn to cook the food, speak the language, and have fun celebrating the holidays and traditions of each. Also, being exposed to how different cultures express their faith can enrich your own. For example, my exposure to Chilean Catholicism has certainly deepened my relationship with Mary.

Finally and most importantly, while I’m very proud to be an American, and Juan Chilean, at the end of the day our true heritage is in Christ, and our citizenship is in heaven.

About the author
Megan grew up in West Central Wisconsin, the second-oldest in a family of four girls. She studied Theology and Spanish at the University of St. Thomas and is currently working toward a Master of Linguistics degree at the University of Chile. She met her fiancé Juan while studying abroad. Juan, also the second-oldest in a family of four kids, grew up on a farm in Tinguiririca, Chile and is currently finishing his degree in Agronomic Science at the Pontifical University of Chile. The couple will be getting married next July.

Love Is Our Mission: The Family Fully Alive

Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of making public Pope Francis’ theme for next year’s World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia: Love is our mission: the family fully alive. The theme was inspired by the words of the early Church Father, St. Irenaeus, who said that “the glory of God is man fully alive.” In like manner, the glory of men and women is their capacity to love as God loves. And rarely can that love be lived out more intimately and fruitfully than in the family.

wmof logo w fontsAs we begin the “heavy lifting” to prepare for the World Meeting of Families and a possible papal visit, it’s a good moment to pause and reflect.

Every moment of every day, a mother and father are teaching and guiding each other and their children, while witnessing about their love to the world beyond their home. The structure of marriage — if lived faithfully — naturally points a man and woman outward toward the world, as well as inward toward one another and their children. As Augustine once said: “To be faithful in little things is a big thing.”

Simply by living their vocation, a husband and wife become the most important living cell of society. Marriage is the foundation and guarantee of the family. And the family is the foundation and guarantee of society.

It’s within the intimate community of the family that a son knows he is loved and has value. In observing her parents, a daughter first learns basic values like loyalty, honesty and selfless concern for others, which build up the character of the wider society. Truth is always most persuasive, not when we read about it in a book or hear about it in a classroom, but when we see it incarnated in the actions of our parents.

Marriage and family safeguard our most basic sense of community, because within the family, the child grows up in a web of tightly connected rights and responsibilities to other people. It also protects our individual identity, because it surrounds the child with a mantle of privacy and personal devotion. Most of the laws concerning marriage in our culture were originally developed precisely to protect family members from the selfishness and lack of love so common in wider society.

The family is the human person’s single most important sanctuary from mistaken models of love, misguided notions of sexual relationships and destructive ideas about self‑fulfillment. All these painful things, unchecked, can be a centrifugal force pulling families apart.

Love is a counter-force. Love is the glue both for family and society. This is why love is the fundamental mission of the family. It’s why the family must be a sanctuary of love. We most easily understand love when we, ourselves, are the fruit of our parents’ tenderness. We most easily believe in fidelity when we see it modeled by our father and mother.

Love lived generously is the unanswerable argument for God — and also for the dignity of the human heart. And marriage is transformed and fulfilled when spouses cooperate with God in the creation of new life. A husband and wife are completed by sharing in God’s procreative gift of life to their children, who are new and unique images of God.

In my years as a priest and bishop, I’ve seen again and again that the human heart is made for truth. People are hungry for the truth; and they’ll choose it, if it’s presented clearly and with conviction. Therein lies the need for every Christian marriage to be engaged in preaching by example. A husband and wife who model a love for Jesus Christ within their family — who pray and worship together with their children and read the Scriptures — become a beacon for other couples. They also more easily acquire an outward-looking zeal for consciously spreading the Gospel to others, teaching the faith and doing good apostolic works.

Our God is the God of life, abundance, deliverance and joy. And we’re his missionaries by nature and by mandate. In a developed world increasingly indifferent or hostile to God, no Catholic family can afford to be lukewarm about the Church. No culture is so traditionally “Christian” that it’s heard enough about Jesus Christ, or safe from the unbelief and disregard for human dignity which mark our age.

Catholic families have a key role in God’s healing of a broken world. So let’s pray for each other — beginning right now — that the World Meeting of Families 2015 will become for each of us and all of Philadelphia a new Pentecost; a new birth of the Church in each of our hearts … for our own salvation, the salvation of our families and the redemption of the world.

Source: Originally posted in Archbishop Chaput’s column on CatholicPhilly.com on May 15th, 2014.

Learning Love: The Theology of the Body and the Family (Part 2)

See also: Part One

The Beauty of Human Sexuality

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Eph. 5:31)

While we are bombarded with sexual images and content all around us in the media, when it comes time to having an actual conversation about sex, many are uncomfortable and even unwilling. Yet it is vital that in the security and comfort of the home, these topics are addressed with proper understanding and love.

Sex and sexuality are two extremely misunderstood topics in today’s society, and pervasive lies and confusion make coming to a proper understanding very difficult. In the Theology of the Body, however, Saint John Paul II proclaims the beauty of sexuality and sex, which he calls the “marital act” to signify its proper home. We too must proclaim this truth, starting in our own homes.

It is important that sex and sexuality is a topic that your family can speak about, despite possible discomfort. It is better that parents form their child’s understanding of sex, including the Church’s beliefs and teachings on the subject, than for them to seek out information from the internet or their peers, where they may receive misguided or even harmful exposure and information.

Furthermore, having a safe outlet where the family can speak about these delicate topics can help promote other conversations that are also necessary in family life, such as about same-sex attraction, pornography, lust, and other delicate issues of this nature. As St. John Paul II memorably said, “Be not afraid!” Though uncomfortable, these conversations are necessary lessons and allow the family to grow in love as they grow in understanding.

Called to Love

“This is the body: a witness to creation as a fundamental gift, and therefore a witness to Love as the source from which the same giving springs.” (TOB 14:5)

The Theology of the Body seeks to answer the questions “Who am I?” and “What is my purpose?” It can help to orient our understanding of what we are called to be and do. John Paul II speaks often of the “spousal meaning of the body.” This “spousal meaning” is not something meant only for married spouses, but is a calling for all people to make a sincere gift of self to others.

In family life, we are constantly called to make sacrifices and offer a sincere gift of self. Examples are easy to think of: parents working to provide for their children and family, neighbors serving neighbors by keeping the neighborhood safe and clean, children sharing their toys with each other, and all other small daily sacrifices that take place within the family. Showing your family by example how to love in such a way helps them to live out their calling to love.

The Body of Christ

“Man became the ‘image and likeness of God’ not only through his own humanity, but also through the communion of persons which man and woman form right from the beginning” (TOB 9:3)

The Christian life is not meant to be lived alone. In our calling to love we are called to participate in the Body of Christ as members of His body here on Earth. Our first encounter with the body of Christ happens in our family, and it is within our family, the domestic Church, that we participate in the larger Universal Church.

The Church is missionary in nature and seeks opportunities to worship and serve God, and so too must the domestic Church. Praying together as a family, serving the poor and hungry by donating clothes and food, visiting elderly family members and neighbors, and lending a helping hand to those in need are all ways in which the family can actively work as the Body of Christ on Earth.

Through the study of the Theology of the Body and a prayerful attempt to live it out in our lives and families, we are able to grow in love of God and each other and come to a better understanding of who we are as creatures made in the image and likeness of God. Our service to the communion of persons begins in the home and branches out through prayer, service to those in need, and striving to serve the Lord.

About the author
Colleen Quigley was a summer intern in the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth in 2014, before her senior year at the Catholic University of America where she studied Theology and History.

Learning Love: Theology of the Body and the Family (Part 1)

Saint John Paul II’s catechesis on the human person and love, commonly known as the Theology of the Body, has developed an ever-growing following and continues to captivate the attention of young and old, religious and lay, married and single persons throughout the world. There are many different ways to learn about this teaching: through programs, courses, personal study, and group reflection. However, there is one place that serves as an excellent classroom for the Theology of the Body: the family.

The family is the domestic Church. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “The home is the first school of the Christian life where all learn love, repeated forgiveness, and prayerful worship” (no. 1666). It is in the context of our families that we first learn love. One way in which families can accomplish this formation in love is to take steps to live out the Theology of the Body in the home.

This might seem like a daunting task, but teaching your family about the Theology of the Body does not necessarily mean sitting them down and explaining the eschaton (the “end times”) or talking about sex, although that is part of it. Teaching your family the Theology of the Body is no more or less than teaching them that they are loved and called to love.

As a fundamental anthropology of the human person, John Paul II’s Theology of the Body is not meant only for those who are married but for all members of the human race, no matter their age, relationship status or vocation. Theologically, there are many complex aspects of this teaching, but we do not all have to be theologians or scholars to understand the core principles or to live them out in our homes and our lives. Here are a few examples of how the Theology of the Body can be lived out in the home.

The Goodness and Beauty of the Body

“God created man in his image; in the image of God he created him.” (Gen 1:27)

Recognizing the goodness and beauty of the body is the first step to living out the Theology of the Body. In the first part of his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, St. John Paul II reflects on the creation accounts found in Genesis, and he reflects on the fact that man was created by God in His image and likeness and was deemed “good” by God (Gen 1:31). As a creation of God, the body is good and should be cared for and respected by ourselves and others.

The Incarnation further dignifies the human body since through His Incarnation, Christ entered the world with a body that is like our own bodies. As the Second Vatican Council said in a section often quoted by John Paul II, “Only in the mystery of the incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light.…Christ, the final Adam…fully reveals man to man himself and makes his supreme calling clear” (Gaudium et Spes, no. 22).

Affirming the body’s beauty and dignity does not necessarily mean telling someone that they look “beautiful” in terms of worldly standards, but rather assuring them that they are beautiful as a unique creation of God. As family members’ bodies change over time, it is especially important to emphasize the goodness of the body and the ways in which it reflects Christ in a very real way. This teaches them that as their bodies – and the bodies of others – change for better or for worse, they are not losing any of their worth.

Affirming the goodness of the body also means proclaiming the goodness of your own body. It is often easier to see the goodness and beauty of others, but when it comes time to recognize it in ourselves, suddenly we are left with nothing good to say. As a good and beautiful creation of God, each one of us is called to accept our bodies, as a man or as a woman, and to care for them.

The Language of the Body

“The body is…the means of the expression of man as an integral whole, of the person, which reveals itself through ‘the language of the body.’” (TOB 123:2)

Very often, we are unconscious of the messages that we are sending with our bodies, yet they are powerful tools of communication. As St. John Paul II said, “Through sexual union the body speaks a ‘language’…this language must be spoken in truth” (TOB 106.3). But this language is not solely spoken through the sexual union. Our bodies can communicate how we feel about ourselves, those we are with, the situation we are in, our mood and countless other messages.

We must become conscious of this language and use it in a way that communicates the love of God and recognizes the beauty and dignity of each human person. Try to recognize the messages that your family members are sending to you through their body language, and the messages that you are sending to them. Having a discussion about this can bring your family to an awareness of the language of the body.

Simple things such as looking up from your phone during a conversation, making eye contact, and dressing both modestly and appropriately for the occasion, all communicate that you recognize the dignity of the person(s) before you and recognize that they too are made in the image and likeness of God and are worthy of love and service.

Emily Stimpson’s book These Beautiful Bones: An Everyday Theology of the Body beautifully elaborates on how manners, dress codes, and body language can be simple ways of living out the Theology of the Body in our everyday lives.

Next: Part Two.

About the author
Colleen Quigley was a summer intern in the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth in 2014, before her senior year at the Catholic University of America where she studied Theology and History.

Signs of Grace

The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes grace as the “free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God.” My husband, Frank, and I have experienced God’s “undeserved help,” as we have wrestled with His plan for our family. We now know it was God’s grace that guided our journey.

Frank and I met in our work place soon after college. Our first date was at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, my fortune cookie read, “Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.” Frank thought it was the coolest thing ever—I wondered if it was a setup! From that unexpected beginning, we married and had five children almost immediately. Because of our family size, people often assumed that we were “good Catholics,” thinking that we had always accepted the Church’s teaching prohibiting contraception. In our case that assumption would be wrong. We had used contraception despite the fact that the priest who prepared us for marriage taught us Church teachings. We stopped using contraception only to have our first baby,Emily. We did the same for our second child, Madeline, and our third child, Sam.

Around the time that Sam was born, Frank and I became involved in youth ministry. This prompted me to question our own contraceptive behavior. If we had to explain the Church’s teachings on chastity, I thought, we should follow them ourselves! I quickly ordered Natural Family Planning (NFP) books and signed up for the local diocesan class. Before class began however, I skimmed through the book and started tracking my menstrual cycle on a calendar. One romantic evening soon after that, with total disregard for the calendar , we conceived our twins, Caroline and Sophia.

Having five babies within six years was extremely overwhelming. Without hesitation I forgot about NFP and got a prescription for birth control pills. Something quite unexpected then happened. During these years using contraception I lost my sexual desire for my husband. Sex became one more thing I had to do for somebody. In addition, Frank and I began to fight about sex. Needless to say, this was upsetting—I loved my husband and I often prayed that God would help us!

In this difficult period a new parish priest came into our lives. With every examination of conscience in preparation for the Sacrament of Reconciliation he would bring up contraception. I would immediately dismiss the subject. “That teaching doesn’t apply to us,” I thought, “we have five kids!” And yet, this new priest ’s comments stuck with me and my heart remained restless. The turning point for me happened after a conversation about sterilization.

One of our friends had been sterilized and asked me when Frank would “get snipped.” Without missing a beat, I said, “Maybe for my birthday.” The fact that I so easily thought of sterilization got me thinking— how could I, we , decide to do something so major without talking about it and praying? Soon after this realization, I wondered why we were not open to having another child. I found myself offering simple prayers asking God to help us. It was the first time that I had asked God for guidance regarding our fertility. From that simple step , God began to send signs though neighbors, family and friends.

Soon after that, I spoke with our new parish priest about my concerns. He confirmed that the Church’s teachings were true and gave me CDs and books to learn more. At the same time, I kept receiving signs about having a sixth child. For example, when we were out to dinner I complimented a woman about the behavior of her five children. She thanked me and mentioned that her sixth child was away at college. At a parish meeting I saw an old friend who commented that she thought I had a new baby. She had not known we were discerning. I shared these and other experiences with our new parish priest and asked if they were signs from God. He said if they were, they would not stop coming. Father’s words could not have been more true—the signs kept coming.

Meanwhile, Frank and I signed up for NFP class. It may sound like an exaggeration, but from the first day we began using NFP everything immediately felt different. Frank would set the alarm, take my temperature, and re cord the numbers on the chart. I felt so taken care of. I felt a tenderness that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I liked that he was learning about my body. It was helpful that he knew where I was in my cycle, especially during difficult days. I came to understand this total love and acceptance in a deeper way.

As we lived the NFP lifestyle, we began to realize that all of our reasons for avoiding pregnancy were “earthly”— we would need a new car, a bigger house, and more money for everything. An unexpected encounter with an old man in a donut shop broke through our hesitation. “So, how many kids do you have?” I asked. “Three boys and three girls,” he responded. I got the biggest smile on my face, called my husband to share the story, and that evening our precious son,Thomas Anthony, was conceived.

It is by the grace of God that we have our children and a redeemed sex life as well. My husband, Frank, and I have learned that our sexual union should be focused on giving rather than getting. NFP provided the environment to live this out. We are so grateful that we now have the kind of marital union that God had planned for us! I t has changed our lives so much that we became NFP teachers to spread the good news.

Now that we use NFP, we see our married life as always having an opportunity to love like God loves. Of course, God provides the grace, and we must choose to participate with Him. I am convinced that there is something about getting the sexual element of marriage “right with God” that ends up affecting everything. Marital union is the marriage vows made flesh and every act of intercourse is a renewal of these vows. Only a union centered on God and His will in our lives will truly satisfy the desires of our hearts!

About the author
Jennifer, her husband Frank, and their six children are from the Diocese of Cleveland.

Surviving the First Year of Parenthood

When a couple discovers that they are expecting their first child, they know (hopefully) that they are in for some tremendous changes. This is the case no matter their age, no matter the size of their home or their income, and no matter how long they have been married. That the birth of the first child marks a time of incredible changes to a couple’s lifestyle and priorities is a universal truth.

In my vocation of marriage, I am called to love God first, my spouse second, and my children third. Not only is this the best thing for my marriage, it is also the best thing for my son. Pope Benedict XVI once asked parents to “first of all remain firm for ever in your reciprocal love: this is the first great gift your children need if they are to grow up serene, acquire self-confidence and thus learn to be capable in turn of authentic and generous love” (Family, 44). My relationship with my husband is my most important relationship on this earth.

The fact is, though, that when you get home from the hospital, there is a very tiny and very needy little person completely depending on your time and energy to survive and thrive. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the needs of your new baby, in learning how to fulfill them, and in attempting to rise above your own feelings of utter and complete exhaustion. What does putting your spouse first and taking care of your marriage look like then? And what does it look like when those first few stressful weeks pass by and life gets “back to normal”– but “normal” is anything but?

Looking back on that first year of my now sixteen-month-old son Charlie’s life, there are certain things that helped my husband Daniel and me to adjust to loving each other in our new life.

Spending Time Together

First of all, spend time together. No kidding, right? Usually this very common piece of advice focuses on the importance of time spent without the baby, but while it is nice to get away for a couple of hours in between nursing sessions, this may not always be practical.

Fortunately, in order to have “quality time” with your spouse, you don’t necessarily need to leave your little one behind. An infant in your arms doesn’t impede adult conversation in any way, doesn’t yet need to be chased around the house, and will usually only cry if there is something wrong that can very easily be fixed. Early on, enjoying a meal or a movie at home with my husband with Charlie close by was much more relaxing for me than being away from him and wondering how he was. Once we put Charlie to bed we had the living room to ourselves, and we made our time together special right where we were, using the space that we had. This was especially important with our preferred sleeping arrangements which put Charlie in our bedroom for almost his entire first year.

Don’t feel as though you have to mentally “get away” from your baby either. Especially if one parent is staying home, avoiding the baby as a topic of discussion so that you can have “adult conversation” probably won’t work. Couples talk about what they are connected to emotionally and their day’s experiences. It is only natural that you will find yourself talking about your child a lot.

Daniel and I have found this to be a great bonding experience. Sharing with each other every day the joys, big and small, that Charlie brings to our lives helps us to remember the miracle– that Almighty God used our love for one another to create a brand new person. We help each other to hold onto that wonder that filled us during the first few hours of getting acquainted with our newborn boy. “That’s your son,” I might say to Daniel as we sit at home watching Charlie play. “Look at the little person he’s becoming.” Holding on to the awe at the miracle of his existence and remembering that this little boy is, in a sense, our love for each other made visible, binds us ever closer together.

A Little “Thank You” Goes a Long Way

Alas, everyday life with an infant isn’t all joyful meditation. In fact, at times it seems that it’s all sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a baby-shaped weight glued to your hip while dishes pile up on the counters. It is in this everyday existence that it often becomes difficult for me to see beyond the tip of my own nose to realize that my husband is also tired and stressed, and it is in this everyday existence that the little things can go a very long way.

For example, don’t let anything go without thanks, whether it is for your spouse cleaning up from dinner or going to work every day to provide for your little family. Other affirmations are appreciated, too. When I watch Daniel reading a story to Charlie and think about what a good daddy he is, I try to tell him so. It is so uplifting to be on the receiving end of these kinds of affirmations. One day I had just sat down on the couch to nurse eleven-month-old Charlie. “I know I see it all the time,” Daniel said as he gazed lovingly at the two of us, “but it’s still so precious.” This was so special to me that I still feel myself glowing just thinking about it.

The gift of facilitating personal time is another thing that is extremely appreciated. I’m talking about when Daniel takes care of Charlie to give me time for a leisurely shower, or wakes up with Charlie in the morning and takes him into the living room to play so that I can have an extra half hour of sleep. To a sleep-deprived mom (or dad), there really is no better way to say “I love you.”

These are all ways that spouses can take care of each other and help one another to adjust during the first year of parenthood. I saved the most important for last, though, and that concerns the rock of faith that marriage should be built on. Attend Mass together. Pray and read Scripture together. Share your feelings and struggles, without fear of how they may be taken. Lift up your spouse in your personal prayer. Also, do things according to the way God designed them, through the practices of natural family planning and, if you can, breastfeeding. With God as the rock you cling to, your love will weather this and every storm that comes your way. Really, though, I can hardly call the first year of my firstborn’s life a storm; it has brought way more joy than it has destruction.