Tag Archives: Married Life

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

“Just” Friends

They go out to a movie. She likes this one better than the one they saw two weeks ago. He doesn’t say much about it.

They are husband and wife, young enough in their relationship to find occasional surprises in the likes and dislikes of each other, and not realizing it will always be this way. They are good friends, coaxing each other to openness. What do you really think about that movie? Come on…I really want to know.

Thinkers and singers have explored friendship and love for thousands of years. There is the pursuit and the passion, and oh, yes, the steadfast promise.

“I want a woman, I want a lover, I want a friend,” sang Jackie Wilson in a 1959 rhythm and blues classic, naming in simple terms the multiple relationships of husband and wife.

It is reality: male and female we are created, and we seek out each other, to be lovers and friends, to reveal and to be revealed.

“What can be more delightful than to have some one to whom you can say everything with the same absolute confidence as to yourself?” Cicero wrote. “Is not prosperity robbed of half its value if you have no one to share your joy? On the other hand, misfortunes would be hard to bear if there were not some one to feel them even more acutely than yourself.”

They sit across from each other at the table, and learn of the day’s events, his and hers. Some days are uncertain, some days are a song. I may lose my job. I wish we could afford something better. If I get a promotion, are you willing to move? The baby kicked today!

Spouses and friends, they sort through such matters, open to each other and assured that come what may, their sorrows and uncertainties will be shared and supported, their joy will be doubled.

Children may come to take their total attention, or nearly so. But if friendship is to endure, couples will nurture this central relationship of their marriage and family. Through school and sports and growing up, married friends share their love with their children, not reducing their own, but expanding it. And among the greatest gifts the children receive is the experience of their parents’ love and friendship.

They talk in bed. She is worried about the bills. He says God will provide.

Fear and faith are revealed. The bills are real and so is the faith.

Faith and truth will overcome the fears of friends who have come to rely on each other – the strength of one to shore up the weakness of the other. Their strength is in the Lord, and in their own unity.

There are some things they don’t have to talk about. He leaves the table saw and other tools in the middle of the garage long after the project is finished. She forgets to give him a telephone message. Neither complains.

Friends know each other’s quirks. Perfection was never part of the promise they made each other, or possible.

Married friends need time together. It takes time to get to know each other’s failings and flaws, and it takes time to get over them.

She tells him he ought to take better care of his health. They both know her concern is genuine.

Married friends hold each other accountable, willing to speak the truth to each other, always forgiving but not excusing.

Do you see yourself in any of these vignettes? If you do, congratulations. If you don’t there are some steps to take to strengthen your friendship in marriage.

Author John M. Gottman says that happily married couples actually like each other, and they express their fondness and admiration for each other.

Remember when I locked my keys in the car and you rescued me? I am really happy you wanted to get involved in that project. I was touched when you were sensitive, or careful, tender, playful, lusty, understanding.

Happily married couples concentrate on the positive qualities of each other.

When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. I am really proud of my partner. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.

Couples spend time together. “Spending time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, ‘You matter to me,’” writes Michele Weiner-Davis. “Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other’s jokes, to renew their love.”

She advises couples to plan and schedule time together, to make dates (and leave the kids at home), to not waste time figuring out whose fault it is you haven’t been spending time together, and that you don’t need a trip to a tropical island when you can walk around the block together.

They take a walk in the evening. At their age, time together no longer feels like a luxury; it has come to be the necessity they always knew it was. They talk about her day, his day, the kids and their careers, the appointment with a doctor and what it might mean, tomorrow’s hopes, the week’s demands. And for long stretches, they don’t need to talk at all.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut

The Situation

After 16 years of marriage Bill and Betty find themselves in the marital doldrums. Although neither would say it openly, each feels their marriage has become lackluster and is in a rut. “Boring” was how Bill explained it to his closest friend. Although Bill and Betty have two children who keep them busy, what has characterized their marriage of late is a lot of routine and predictability. Even Bill’s tired joke that Friday night was their night for sex “in order to get it out of the way for the weekend”–a weekend filled with predictability and tedious repetition–was more true than he wanted to admit. It typified the lack of surprise or delight in their relationship.

Boredom started creeping in soon after Bill and Betty began to settle in to married life. Their efforts to provide their family with safety and security had instead created an all-too-patterned life of mostly sheer monotony. They began to treat their marriage as a finished product, rather than as something to cultivate. They then moved to the tasks of buying a house, having children, and advancing their careers, while expecting their marriage to take care of itself.

A Response

Betty and Bill need to recognize that being tiresome or dull is their own doing. Boredom is an emotional state resulting from inactivity or when couples are uninterested in opportunities surrounding them. Bill and Betty dislike uncertainty. Therefore, they work hard to create a life of security for their children and are carefully saving for their future. One might say they are a “risk adverse couple,” but to a fault. They attend the same few restaurants and go to the same place for vacation at around the same time of year. They’ve traded adventure and discovery for safety.

For some couples boredom is accepted as suffering to be endured. Common passive ways to escape boredom are to sleep or daydream. Other couples expend considerable effort and expense to remedy boredom through elaborate entertainment. These are only temporary fixes, however, since boredom is not so much dependent on one’s environment as a lack of imagination. You might say it is actually the person him/herself who is dull.

Typical solutions consist of intentional activities, often something new, since familiarity and repetition can contribute to tedium. Couples can learn a new hobby, take dance lessons, join a book club, cultivate a garden, learn another language, take a course, or go back to school. But that is not all they can do.

They can also get a life! For instance, they can help with the inner city poor or tutor children with reading difficulties. In short, they can get involved in something more important than themselves. They can start taking an ailing grandmother to and from her doctor’s appointments and see if the boredom doesn’t take care of itself. Either way, the solution is to immerse oneself in the world and respond to its many needs.

Early in Betty and Bill’s relationship there may have been the excitement of the chase. Once married, however, couples too often forget the importance of continuing to woo one another. They need to keep the love notes and flowers coming. They need to dress up for each other and to set up date nights. Sadly, many couples, when pressed, acknowledge that they never get away without the children.

Marriage can be a spiritual pathway, but it does not become so without intentionality and effort. Religion can be abused if it excuses boredom as something that just has to be tolerated as essential to the human condition. Acceptance of our human condition also means accepting our ability to imagine and explore new life experiences and to ponder what they mean for us spiritually. Probing God’s ways in our life can be stimulating and provide answers to life’s ultimate questions. God actions throughout history are seldom dull or ordinary. Try reading the Bible for dramatic interventions.

The challenge is not to destroy the relationship over one of the common marriage problems that can so easily be resolved. Even if one has divorced, and a new relationship initially seems exciting, this issue of boredom will eventually creep into any new relationship unless it is addressed. Couples need to re-kindle their love, no matter how buried it may appear. For example, they can switch off the TV and take half an hour to muse over the day together. Send the children to bed or off to grandparents for an overnight and have a candle lit dinner at home. Flood your conversation with things you admire and love about your spouse.

10 Pointers for Prayer

The baby’s crying, the dog is whining, and you need to leave for work in five minutes. Finding time for prayer can seem impossible. Amid the busyness of family life, how can one respond to God’s ongoing invitation to speak with and listen to Him? Here are ten pointers to help you do just that.

1. Pray as you can, not as you can’t. God calls most Christians to an active life in the world, with family, work and community responsibilities. Such a call, while holy, does not usually allow for long periods of prayer and reflection. Lay people can become discouraged when they try to pray like a cloistered contemplative. Be realistic about what’s possible.

2. Take ten — or twenty. If a half hour for prayer isn’t possible, how about ten minutes, or twenty? Choose a good time of day and stick with it. Designate a special site for prayer so that spot become holy. Spouses can help by minding children during respective quiet times.

3. Pray as a family. Build upon rituals such as grace before meals. In addition to the usual “Bless us, O Lord…,” encourage family members to offer thanks for the blessings of the day, as well as prayers for those in need. Couples can deepen their spiritual relationship by taking a few minutes, perhaps before bedtime, to commend to God the joys and sorrows of the day.

4. Decorate your domestic church. When we enter our parish church, the statues and pictures focus our minds on Jesus, Mary and the saints. We can create an atmosphere for prayer in our home- the domestic church- by displaying a crucifix, icons, the Bible and other holy objects. Take the children to a religious goods store and let them choose a picture or statue for their rooms.

5. Short prayers count, too. When you’re stopped at a long light or put on hold, consider it as God’s invitation to turn your heart and mind to him, if only for a few seconds.

6. Find God at work. Connecting with God in the workplace takes effort. Try to cultivate a few simple habits. For example, offer the day to God as you turn on your computer, or pray for the person you’re about to call or wait upon.

7. Jump start your prayer life. Sooner or later almost everyone experiences dryness in prayer. God seems far away and prayer becomes a burden. Praying with Scripture, perhaps the daily Mass readings, can help us focus. So, too, can an inspirational book, especially one of the spiritual classics. A good choice is St. Francis de Sales’ Introduction to the Devout Life, written specifically for lay people who are striving for holiness.

8. Ask your Mother for help. The Blessed Virgin Mary, our spiritual mother, understands our needs and offers profound comfort. One family, gathered around the bedside of their dying husband and father, found peace and healing through the recitation of the rosary. The rosary is ideal for the family since children can be taught the simple prayers at an early age. Check out instructions on how to pray the rosary.

9. Read a good story. Children and adults alike enjoy an inspiring story, and few stories are more compelling than those of the saints. Whether it’s the little way of Therese of Lisieux or the heroism of Maximilian Kolbe, their stories offer something for everyone. Consider the particular virtue that a saint demonstrates and pray for help to emulate it. Perhaps it’s the humility of St. Francis of Assisi, the patience of St. Monica, or the courageous witness of St. Thomas More.

10. Walk with a spiritual friend. Prayer can lead to new thoughts and questions. Who better to share them with than a spiritual friend? A friend can help us to work through the concerns that inevitably arise in prayer. Good friends will hold each other accountable for their prayer life, making sure that prayer has not been neglected in the busyness of life. For married couples a spouse is often this spiritual friend, but God will also put wise and holy people in our path when we need them. They can be the answer to prayer.

Try a Little Kindness

Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, and kindness in feeling creates love (Lau Tzu).

Michelle hates to make decisions. Her husband, Craig, enjoys it. Over the years of their marriage Craig has learned that Michelle doesn’t like having decision made for her either, so how he makes a decision is very important. He has learned to ask for her opinion and to offer his in return. He takes her feelings into consideration; he knows what she likes and dislikes, and respects that. Craig loves Michelle and one way he demonstrates his love by making decisions with kindness and consideration, and Michelle loves him all the more for that.

Kindness is a difficult attribute to define, but not to illustrate. Each of us, if asked, could tell personal stories about when we have been treated kindly and when we have been treated unkindly. We know it when we experience it, and we recognize when it isn’t there.

A kind person acts in benevolent, gentle, and loving ways. In marriage, kindness is demonstrated through generous acts, considerate behavior, and comforting words. A kind person usually has a mild and pleasant disposition and acts with tenderness and concern for others. A man who brings his wife flowers as a sign of his love and a woman who strokes her husband’s arm as they watch a movie are acting with kindness.

Kindness is one of the seven virtues, and is considered the opposite of envy. A kind person celebrates another’s good fortune while an envious person grows angry at another’s success.

For example, Marta and Luis both have high stress jobs, but Marta is far more successful at her job than Luis is in his. While this is, at times, a source of tension in their marriage, Marta and Luis recognize the tension and deal with it as adults. Marta tries not to brag about her success and never uses it as a weapon when they argue. She cares about Luis and doesn’t want to hurt his self-esteem. For his part, Luis tries to celebrate Marta’s successes. He struggles at times with feeling that he is not carrying his share of the family responsibility, but because Marta treats him with such kindness, Luis is a happy man.

Kindness comes from the same root as the word “kin,” someone who is a part of your family. Thus, when you show kindness to your spouse, you are treating him or her as a part of your family, as “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). These words are used at weddings to describe the ideal relationship between husband and wife. This scripture passage makes clear that for marriages to succeed—that is, to be happy and healthy—then couples must treat each other with the same gentleness, courtesy, compassion, and respect that they want for themselves.

Kindness is a way of showing love to another. Everything that St. Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13 (Love is patient; not jealous, pompous, inflated, or rude; does not seek its own interests, is not quick-tempered, does not brood over injury or rejoice over wrongdoing) also defines how a kind person acts.

Kindness is an essential virtue in a healthy and happy marriage. A recent study conducted in various cultures around the world asked people to name the trait they desired most in a mate. For both sexes, people overwhelmingly wanted their mates to be kind.

Marriages are strengthened when both members of a couple treat each other kindly: with love and understanding and with dignity and respect. Kindness is evident when a person puts the needs of his or her spouse first, acting on what will please or help the other most, and not on self-interest. By never being rude or abusive to your spouse in any way, you build a relationship of mutual trust and respect. A marriage based upon compassionate and caring thoughts, words, and actions—a marriage based on kindness—will be a generous relationship, with both man and wife sharing freely all that they have with each other, with their children, and with the larger society. These are signs of healthy, happy, and strong marriages.

A Spanish proverb says that “He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” This is also true in marriage. Little acts of kindness can mean a lot. Simple acts work wonders: cooking your spouse’s favorite meal when he or she has had a hard day or bringing home a little gift “just because.” Many couples divide up chore responsibilities because of personal preferences. Sometimes doing another person’s chore, like taking the car to get tires rotated, can be a wonderful act of kindness. So can putting love notes in a briefcase or lunch bag, or allowing your spouse just to sit and watch a ballgame on TV when you’d rather do something else.

Disagreements happen in every relationship; the healthy married couple has learned to resolve these disagreements kindly. By offering a gentle word to an angry remark or by refusing to say harsh things when you feel them, you let kindness wrap you and your spouse in a loving blanket of respect that smothers the flame of anger before it can erupt into an inferno of emotions. In this way, kindness leads to happiness.

“Love and Life” Retreat Day Seven: Marriage is a School of Love and Gratitude

For a printable PDF version, click here.

Breaking Open the Theme
As Adam recognized Eve as God’s gift to him, likewise spouses should recognize each other as God’s gift in their lives. Marriage is “a school for nurturing gratitude for the gifts of God and for openness to the gifts of God that are proper to marriage,” such as sexual intimacy and children (USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, p. 50). Through life’s journey, sometime a husband or wife may need to reflect on the gift of the other, especially when misunderstandings or difficulties arise. To remember how this person came to offer love so unexpectedly or how one recognized the other as “made for you” is to be humbled by the divine gift you have received.

In those moments of remembering, thankfulness should fill one’s heart. Spousal gratitude is linked to conjugal charity. It will help husband and wife to persevere in fidelity, kindness, communication, and mutual assistance. “In the joys of their love and family life, he [Jesus] gives them [spouses] here on earth a foretaste of the wedding feast of the Lamb,” (Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, no. 73).

Reflection
Watching her husband reading to their young children one evening, her heart swelled in gratitude for the tender and loving man that God had made for her. Catching her look of love, he paused and looked deeply into her eyes, returning her smile. He savored the moment of peace and the warmth of his family surrounding him, thinking that he certainly had so much to be grateful for. Later, after the children were tucked in bed, she embraced him and told him how grateful she was to have him. He wondered aloud, “God has given us so much, I’ve been feeling lately like we certainly have a lot to offer another child…”

To Think About
(Choose one or more of the following questions to reflect on by yourself and/or with your spouse)

List five ways that you show gratitude toward your spouse. Which two ways does he/she like best? Resolve to do those two more often.
What good thing did your spouse do recently that you could have thanked him or her for, but didn’t? Make a note to remember next time.

Prayer of Married Couples
Almighty and eternal God,
You blessed the union of husband and wife
So that we might reflect the union of Christ with his Church:
look with kindness on us.
Renew our marriage covenant.
Increase your love in us,
and strengthen our bond of peace
so that, [with our children],
we may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Virtual Retreats Homepage

“Love and Life” Retreat Day Six: Marriage is a Journey of Human and Spiritual Growth

For a printable PDF version, click here.

Breaking Open the Theme
“On their wedding day, the couple says a definitive ‘yes’ to their vocation of marriage. Then the real work of marriage begins” (USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, p. 45). Each stage of marriage has its own joys and sorrows, opportunities and challenges. A couple grows in holiness by journeying with Christ through the mystery of His life and that of His Passion, Death, Resurrection, and Glorious Ascension (the Paschal Mystery).

Pope Francis emphasizes in Amoris Laetitia that married love is “a process of constant growth,” such that “a love that fails to grow is at risk” (no. 134). The Paschal Mystery unfolds again and again throughout marriage and invites spouses to continually grow in love. There are Holy Thursdays, times of loving service when couples put their own needs in second place. There are Good Fridays, times of suffering, tragedies, even death. There are Holy Saturdays, times of waiting and uncertainty when all seems dark and the couple wonders what is to come and even if their marriage will survive. Then there are Easter Sundays, when renewed faith or celebrations such as the marriage of a child or the birth of a grandchild bring new hope. Through all of these moments, a couple can grow in love and holiness.

Reflection
When he returned from his tour in Iraq, the baby was nine months old. He felt like an outsider in his own family. There was no way he could fully explain what his past year had been like, and he had missed so much at home. The baby didn’t know him and certainly didn’t seem to need anyone but Mom. His wife was thrilled that he was home, but she resented that his return had thrown a wrench into her well-established routine. They felt a great distance between them. Memories of the happy days when they were first married helped to give them faith that God meant for them to be together, and they looked with hope to better days ahead. She found support from other military spouses; he found sound advice in his talks with their pastor. Now, their baby is four years old. Their marriage and their family bond are strong. They volunteer as a mentor couple to support other military couples struggling with similar transitions.

To Think About
(Choose one or more of the following questions to reflect on by yourself and/or with your spouse)

Think of a time from the past when your marriage went through a transition. Describe life before, during and after the transition. What got you through? How was God present to you?
How has surviving a time of trial, either personally or in your marriage, better equipped you to support others who are suffering or struggling?

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Virtual Retreats Homepage

“Love and Life” Retreat Day Five: Marriage is the Foundation of the Family and Society

For a printable PDF version, click here.

Breaking Open the Theme
The early Church understood the Christian family as an ecclesia domestica, or domestic Church. “The family is called a “domestic church” because it is a small communion of persons that draws its sustenance from the larger communion that is the whole Body of Christ, the Church, and also reflects the life of the Church so as to provide a kind of summary of it” (USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, p. 39). The domestic Church rests on the foundation of a baptized husband and wife. They establish a communion of love into which children are welcomed.

By creating a home where love, care and growth in the faith flourish among family members, married couples reflect the life of the Church in the world. Indeed, as Pope Francis says powerfully, “the Church, in order to fully understand her mystery, looks to the Christian family, which manifests her in a real way” (Amoris Laetitia, no. 67). In the family, parents teach their children how to pray, how to embrace God’s loving commandments, and how to grow in virtue and holiness. The Christian family that celebrates the sacraments, especially the Eucharist, establishes a reciprocal relationship between the family and the entire Body of Christ that is the Church.

Reflection
Whenever he heard an ambulance siren, he offered a prayer for those involved in the accident or medical emergency. When the family pet passed away, she took care to bury it lovingly in the garden. Their Catholic faith was evident in the artwork on the walls and in the simple prayers offered at table and at bedtime. Sundays were sacred days for church, a big meal, and rest from work in favor of a fun family activity. They celebrated the anniversary of their child’s baptism with ice cream sundaes, and always managed to pull together a group of neighbors for Christmas caroling. Their children saw and treasured these rituals of family life.

To Think About
(Choose one or more of the following questions to reflect on by yourself and/or with your spouse)

What does your family do that brings you together?
What opportunities for passing on your faith are uniquely present in family life (that don’t usually happen at church)?
In your home, identify some reminders of God’s presence. What can you add to or change about your home to increase your awareness of God in your daily life?

Prayer for Married Couples
Almighty and eternal God,
You blessed the union of husband and wife
So that we might reflect the union of Christ with his Church:
look with kindness on us.
Renew our marriage covenant.
Increase your love in us,
and strengthen our bond of peace
so that, [with our children],
we may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Virtual Retreats Homepage

“Love and Life” Retreat Day Four: Marriage is a Sacrament of Christ’s Love

For a printable PDF version, click here.

Breaking Open the Theme
“[Jesus] heals marriage and restores it to its original purity of permanent self-giving in one flesh” (USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, p. 30). But the Lord does not stop there. Christ generously invites husband and wife to participate in His spousal love for his Church. Christian spouses are drawn into this love by the grace of the Sacrament of Marriage, so that their own love might reflect the loving communion of the Blessed Trinity. In this way, the marriage of two baptized Christians becomes a living and effective sign: a sign which makes present the union of Christ with His Church (see Eph 5:21-33).

Jesus is truly present in His followers and in their marriages. Practically, this means that when life’s difficulties press in on husband and wife, they are not alone. Though they remain fallible and weak human beings, Christian spouses can rely on Jesus to help them to continue in love even when it seems impossible. As Pope Francis says, “God’s indulgent love always accompanies our human journey; through grace, it heals and transforms hardened hearts, leading them back to the beginning through the way of the cross” (Amoris Laetitia, no. 62). The Lord never abandons marriages and families, but gives them the grace to find true healing and happiness.

Reflection
She had felt that the world was crashing around her when she learned of her husband’s affair. Still, she was determined to fight for her marriage, and he wanted desperately to heal what he had damaged. Popular wisdom was not on their side, and people let her know it, too. After tears and late-night talks, some angry exchanges, and lots of counseling and prayer, she and her husband reconciled. She would say it was faith that made the difference, but mostly they don’t explain their decision to others. They just say, “We’re married.” That was 10 years ago, and new friends would never guess what they went through. Most couples will not be so severely tested, but a failure to be forgiving can make even small faults—leaving the cap off the toothpaste, poor hygiene, or weak cooking skills—destructive to a marriage.

To Think About
(Choose one or more of the following questions to reflect on by yourself and/or with your spouse)

How has the grace of the Sacrament of Marriage sustained you in difficult times?
What are some of the joyful things about being married? What are some of the challenges? Can something be both joyful and challenging?

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

Virtual Retreats Homepage

“Love and Life” Retreat Day Three: Marriage is a Communion of Love and Life

For a printable PDF version, click here.

Breaking Open the Theme
In creating man and woman for each other, God made marriage to be love-giving and life-giving. We call these two purposes or “ends” of marriage the unitive and the procreative. They are inseparably connected because of the very nature of conjugal love, by which a spouse desires to give everything to his or her beloved: a total gift of self (see USCCB, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, pp. 15-16).

When a man and a woman exchange marital consent, they establish a partnership for the whole of life. They mutually vow an exclusive fidelity that is open to the procreation and nurture of children. “The gift of a new child, entrusted by the Lord to a father and a mother, begins with acceptance, continues with lifelong protection and has as its final goal the joy of eternal life” (Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia, no. 166). In participating in God’s love, husband and wife are empowered to make a total gift of self to each other. This gift of love is always fruitful, even for couples who are not blessed with children. As Pope Francis says beautifully, “Love refuses every impulse to close in on itself; it is open to a fruitfulness that draws it beyond itself” (Amoris Laetitia, no. 80).

Reflection
When they were newlyweds, both were sure that this was the one person who completed their world. They thought they could never love each other more. When they found they could not have biological children, they adopted their little girl and discovered a new dimension to their love. The day they first held her in their arms, they suddenly saw each other in a new light: Mom and Dad. In becoming parents, they began to understand something new about why God had brought them together. Their feelings of great joy were accompanied by feelings of overwhelming responsibility; they knew they would need God’s help.

To Think About
(Choose one or more of the following questions to reflect on by yourself and/or with your spouse)

If you are a parent, how has your child (or children) been a blessing to you? How have you changed for the better since becoming a parent?
If you do not have children, how do you expect that having a child would change your marriage?
How can couples continue to strengthen their marriage when they become parents?

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

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