Tag Archives: Married Life

Four Elements of Conflict Resolution

Having a successful marriage means learning some skills that differ from the skills you need for most other pieces of life. You are in the business of building, maintaining, and protecting a relationship. In many instances in our lives, we are protecting our own interests. In marriage, we sometimes have to put aside what might be our first choice in order to keep the relationship in good health.

1. Know the distinction between difference and disagreements.

You can differ with your spouse without having a disagreement. You can vote for different presidential candidates, prefer different restaurants, or have different favorite movies. These differences do not necessarily impact your relationship, because you can act on your own to satisfy your preference. But if you differ about whether to live on the East or West coast; or if you differ over whether or not to buy a house, then it is hard to go forward without resolving that difference.

2. Differences become disagreements when space is limited.

Since in marriage you join your lives and commit to staying together, then your choices of some basic issues become matters for joint decision-making. Not only is your physical space limited, but your psychic space is limited, too. How do you feel about having company on Saturday evening? How do you feel about cleaning up the house Saturday afternoon in order to have it ready for company Saturday evening? It’s “our” decision, it’s “our” company, and it’s “our” space to make ready. We may have different needs for socializing, different desires for time use and different standards for tidiness, all of which have to be negotiated for this one event.

3. When disagreements heat up, they become conflicts.

There is a bodily reaction that happens when you are in a conflict. Your pulse rises, your breathing speeds up, and you often get sweaty palms. Your body is sending adrenalin into your system, because it believes you are in danger. It is preparing you to fight.

This reaction happens faster in some people than others, but whenever it happens, it drives the ability to come to a reasonable solution right out of the picture. The fight instinct drives away the learned response to compromise every time. When you’re ready to fight you cannot feel your love for your partner; therefore, the conflict takes place in a dangerous zone, without the caring that normally characterizes your interactions with one another.

At this point you must make a choice. Either you can resolve the conflict and come back together feeling good about each other and your relationship, or you can come away feeling embattled and resentful, and it will make your relationship more difficult, at least for a while.

4. Conflicts are resolved more easily when you can cool off first.

Making the choice to back away from a fight until you can talk calmly – while taking a huge amount of discipline – can reap big benefits for your relationship. The only way to win an argument in a marriage is for both partners to come away feeling that they were heard and respected.

Helpful books:

  • The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
  • The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, Gary Chapman
  • You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship Into a Compassionate, Loving One, Steven Stosny
  • Love and Anger in Marriage, David Mace

With a Little Help From Our Friends

Wally and I realize that probably the most important learning we’ve had in our marriage of 48 years is that WE are the sacrament…and that a sacrament is a public commitment, to be nurtured by and shared with others.

We recall an incident years ago when we had a huge argument as we were driving to a meeting of our Marriage Encounter circle of friends. One of us (we can no longer remember which one!) yelled at the other, “Why are we going to this meeting when we’re in such bad shape?” The wise reply from the other was “Where else can we go when we’re like this?”

We sensed then – and know now – that we could never last – much less grow and thrive – as a sacrament without inviting others to help us stay married. In the worst of times, that meant agreeing to go to counseling, but it also meant pleading with others to pray for us and to give us faith and hope in our vocation when we could find none.

In these later years of appreciative companionship our primary ministry as a couple is to just “be there” for other couples… most especially those struggling to hold their marriages together through the “for worse” times. We are convinced that no couple can live their vows of lifelong love and fidelity all by themselves – nor should they even try.

Our experience is that the marriage covenant is a sacrament for the wider community – and also a “co-creation” of that community.

They Said It Wouldn’t Last

There have been many ups and downs throughout my marriage of 19 years. Some folks said my husband and I wouldn’t last six months; we were so different! I like things in order and I take commitments seriously. Spouse, on the other hand, is laid back, even catch-as-catch-can on occasion.

At times I wanted to disappear and not look back. I am sure my husband felt the same way.

Then it hit me one day: Our marriage is not about how we make each other feel. Our marriage is about keeping our vow to love and honor each other even in the midst of problems, and in doing so, imitating the faithfulness of God to his unfaithful people.

Such an imitation of God’s faithfulness gives God glory, a minister friend assured us. It is why every single human being on earth exists — to give our Creator glory, and to trust God’s promises of eternal life with him in paradise for those who do not grow weary in doing good.

At first I could not see how washing dishes I did not dirty or paying more than my share of bills gave God glory.

I sought counseling, talked to long-married couples and read everything I could get my hands on that encouraged me as a wife. Then I asked myself: What was more important — prevailing when in conflict or my husband’s well-being physically and spiritually?

The answer became apparent to me one night when I found him fast asleep in front of the TV, the TV remote practically welded to his hand, his slumped shoulders free of the weight of the world.

Thinking that my being in his life could impact his eternal destiny was very sobering. Far be it from me, I thought, to be the reason he hated or did not forgive. We loved each other and needed to work harder at not allowing issues to blind us to this fact.

So I washed those dishes I didn’t dirty, for a clean home was important to me. And I paid bills we both had entered into without waiting for him to sometimes, for that too was a matter of honor and I had been blessed with the means to do so.

I draw comfort too from two Scripture verses: “All have sinned and are deprived of the glory of God. They are justified freely by his grace through the redemption in Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23-24). They remind me that while I am married to someone who, like me, is at war with a human nature bent away from God, we are not alone; God is with us — and in us! — to help us make the right choices in life.

What an awesome duty it is, then, to be entrusted with the fuller knowledge of another’s struggle, to be the voice that cries out to God on that person’s behalf.

What a privilege to imitate Christ who both demands and freely offers unending faithfulness!

Little Miracles

Andrew and Anna, married for nearly 10 years, face one of the biggest challenges that any marriage can confront. In June 2006 their daughter Rose was born with DiGeorge’s syndrome, a serious genetic disorder caused by the deletion of a small part of a chromosome. Because the condition is rare – 1 in 4,000 – Rose’s prognosis is uncertain. Right now doctors are debating how to treat her heart and gastrointestinal abnormalities.

In the meantime, the couple’s life has turned upside down. They try to maintain some normalcy for their other children, ages 5 and 3 ½, even as they struggle to meet Rose’s medical needs. Constant medical procedures and midnight wake-up calls to give Rose her medication put a lot of strain on the family. Tempers get short and “the small stuff creeps up.” Much-needed breaks, such as leaving the children with a teenaged babysitter so that the couple can enjoy an evening out, have become impossible. Andrew and Anna know that marriages break up over these kinds of difficulties, and they are determined not to let that happen.

Friends, family and the Secular Franciscan Order offer understanding and practical support. Andrew finds that Pope John Paul II’s encyclical, The Christian Meaning of Human Suffering is helpful for people going through a situation like theirs. Andrew and Anna have a special devotion to Blessed Teresa of Calcutta.

In the face of such uncertainty, the graces of marriage keep Andrew and Anna going. They have learned to celebrate the “little miracles.” “Rose came home,” said Andrew. He and Anna believe that God entrusted Rose to them, and they know that God will be with them in whatever lies ahead.

Lost Dreams

After almost 10 years of marriage, my husband decided to quit his secure government job and start his own business. I was scared. We had two children, ages 2 and 6, and could not maintain our simple lifestyle solely on my salary. Tom had no clear idea of what kind of business he wanted to start. He just wanted to be his own boss.

He pulled out his retirement savings, which we soon exhausted. He began to pay the mortgage late, then couldn’t pay it at all until my parents helped out. Several credit cards maxed out. Bill collectors started to call. The IRS hauled us in for an audit.

Tom reluctantly abandoned his dream of owning a business and looked for employment. Over the next six years he held a succession of jobs, some temporary, others unsuited to his talents. My anger and resentment grew. I felt that he had ignored the needs of his family in order to pursue a selfish and unrealistic quest. I considered divorce, and most of my family and friends agreed that I was justified.

Still, I held back, mostly out of concern for the children. Tom was a good father and I knew that they would be devastated if we split up. Somehow, I hoped that things would get better.

Miraculously, they did. Tom found a job with the county government that provided stability and a steady, if modest, income. We cancelled the credit cards and paid off the balances. We were even able to set a little aside for the college fund.

The emotional wounds took longer to heal. I had to learn to trust Tom again. Tom had to recover his self-esteem. All of this took a toll on our relationship. Twenty years later, our marriage still struggles, but things are better. I’m glad that we stuck it out. I’m glad that we have tried to honor the commitment that we made to each other more than 30 years ago.

Missing in Action

We all miss our husbands for various reasons. Admittedly, I forget Devin is even gone thanks to the all-consuming demands of my three children. Averaging, daily, 18 diapers and 8 outfits, 2 loads of laundry, 9 meals/snacks, one load of dishes as well as the inherent demands of nursing, I hardly have time for personal hygiene!

But last Sunday, when sitting contemplatively at Church and relishing every nanosecond of alone time, I was momentarily taken aback by an awakening breeze saturated with cologne from a man briskly walking past my aisle. Because I don’t get out much nor associate with anyone outside my estrogen circle of friends, I abruptly remembered what those masculine, knuckle-scraping, virile creatures were like (and wow did I miss them…I mean him)!

Before children, I remember feeling starved from never being ‘touched’ throughout a deployment. I longed for a simple hug or physical connection that reminded me I was more than a job-commuting and gym-frequenting being. It got to the point that I wouldn’t mind if my ‘personal space’ was comfortably invaded in crowds because I felt that if no one shook my hand or accidentally bumped into me I could seriously pass the entire deployment without ever having physical contact. (Considering the physical beings that guys are, no wonder our husbands grope each other ‘comically’ and wrestle around to “burn energy”).

Beyond the physical absence, I miss my husband’s daily encouragement and support most. After the kids go to sleep we would eat dinner together and rehash the day. Between recounting the number of temper tantrums abated by distraction and furniture claimed as their own personal Mt. Everest, he would always smile and shake his head in relief that his job was the less stressful one of flying and being shot at!

I have always viewed marriage as having someone bear witness to my life. It is not a means to validate me or give me meaning- but someone to share in the joys and take over where I leave off when times are tough. Though I have three young children, I’m still relatively new to this role as mom. I have embraced the fulfillment children bring as well as the challenges. However, I still struggle with this new identity as my kids’ mom rather than Christi Crovato the once informed and engaging (or so I’d like to think) girl on all things political. These days I need more encouragement regarding my parenting skills than I need help with the lawn (though that would be nice too). I think we can all agree that email and the phone just don’t cut it. The authenticity of encouragement seems to be lacking when words have to be generic enough to blanket and appease all the nuances your hormonal and realistic emotions entail. I want him to tell me I’m doing a great job as a mom and believe him. Because honestly, when heard from a distance, it feels like a film critic giving two thumbs up for a movie he has not seen.

Whatever your current challenge is, we look to our husbands to weigh in and respond with insight. I don’t hold my breath for any earth shattering epiphanies from Devin-but his physical presence often is enough to provide me with the comfort and support I seek. As much as I may feel that I need him, I realize that he is the one missing out the most: Declan’s mischievous grins and bear hugs, Emeline’s mountaineering skills and pick-me-up arms and Mary Kate’s big fat dimples.

Now that most of us have established new networks of support, let’s remember to be that source of counsel and comfort for others. Let’s be the one who rallies and heartens those around her whether you think they need it or not-because in all honesty we always need encouragement, especially when our husbands are missing in action.

About the author 
Christi Crovato lives in Oceanside, CA with her three small children. Her husband is a Marine Corps helicopter pilot currently on his 5th deployment.

In Sickness and In Health

We had been engaged for 13 months, with 22 days until the big day, when Matt, at age 23, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. We could never have predicted this, with no history in the family and no smoking, but it wasn’t necessary. God was in control, our souls were flooded with peace, and the last 10 months have been nothing less than miraculous.

Matt had major surgery before we headed home from D.C. to Texas for our wedding, and four days after the wedding he had a second operation. Matt came home with some pretty awesome scars and a definitive diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. In the midst of the challenge, the Body of Christ overwhelmed us with love, support and an overabundant dose of prayers.

Along with the diagnosis of lung cancer came questions of chemotherapy and babies. We wanted lots of children, as many as God would bless us with. Our doctors advised us differently. We were asked multiple times if we would like to put sperm in a sperm bank in case the chemotherapy made Matt infertile. Most people on chemotherapy become infertile, and when the therapy is finished there is a 50% chance that it will be permanent. With no discussion needed, we told the doctor this was not an option. One of my greatest longings has been to be a mother, and as it is presented so wonderfully in Psalm 21, “You have granted him his heart’s desire; you did not refuse the prayer of his lips.” On February 16th we found out that we were pregnant. Matt is still going through treatment, and the Lord is abundantly good.

We write this as an encouragement to those who face adversity in their marriage. We can’t express enough the graces that are reaped through the Sacrament. The Lord has granted us many spiritual friends who, though we have never met them, pray for us daily. Through the sacrament and these loving prayers we are able to take our lives one day at a time, not worrying about the things that are to come, but focusing on loving: today, right now, every minute.

When we took our vows on June 24, 2006 we meant every word we said: “I, Matthew, take you, Lucy, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” And in turn: “I, Lucy, take you, Matthew, to be my husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

Caring for Children While You Care for Aging Parents

If you’re a member of the “sandwich generation,” taking care of your aging parent as well as your children, it’s hard to shake the feeling that if you focus on one generation you’re losing sight of the needs of the other.

It can help to remember that your taking care of your parent is good for your children, too. How so?

You’re right that your kids also make a sacrifice because you can’t be around as much as the they would like you to be and, most likely, they have to do more–become more responsible–because you can’t be there. (Maybe they have to make their own lunch to take to school. Or you can’t be a chaperone at some school event even though you were able to do that a year or so ago.)

Yes, in some ways a child is being deprived of what a parent might be able to give if he or she didn’t have caregiving obligations to an older family member (or to a spouse who is ill or to a child with special needs). From another perspective, Mom or Dad is giving something to that child or those children that he or she otherwise couldn’t give. We mean a front-row view of love in action without any possibility of mistaking the unchangeable fact that true love demands service and sacrifice.

Still . . . it can be a lot to put on little shoulders. All they may see at first glance is that Mom or Dad isn’t there (or is there but is exhausted from caregiving and holding down a job) and they miss not just what that parent does for them (nice meals, rides to practice and so on) but also that person himself or herself. They miss time spent together. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions if you’re taking care of an aging parent and your children:

  • Talk about caregiving at a time when neither you nor your child are tired and emotions are not running high.
  • Do something special with each child, one-on one.
  • Explain what it’s like to be a care-receiver, how it can be hard to accept help. Talk about why you’re taking care of Grandpa or Grandma and explain, in an age-appropriate way, what his or her condition is.
  • Work at establishing a link between your children and your parent. Let them have some time together.
  • Remember children can, in small ways, help with caregiving, too.
  • Teach what respectful care means and explain the difference between “dignity” and “dignified.” Yes, at times, a situation may be less than “dignified” but a person must be treated with dignity.
  • Remember to thank the child for making sacrifices and for helping you help your mother or father.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

The Sandwich Generation

The “sandwich generation” is a good description. There’s pressure from both sides and sometimes it gets messy in the middle. That’s what it can feel like if you’re taking care of your children as well as your aging parent.

Add in a spouse and a job and it’s no wonder it often seems a twenty-four-hour day and seven-day week just aren’t enough for all you have to do.

Then, too, from the time all of us were little we were taught there is a right way and a wrong way to accomplish a task. Maybe your parent took care of Grandma or Grandpa. Your spouse took care of your mother- or father-in-law. Your friends or co-workers seem to be able to handle their situations. But you . . . .

When you realize you can’t do all the things you’re supposed to do–all the things other people have done or are doing–you feel inadequate and even guilty.

You think you’re letting everyone down. If you just worked a little harder, slept a little less, sacrificed a little more. . .

If you find yourself in that situation, or feel yourself sinking into it, these suggestions might help:

  • Remember there is no single right way to do this. Trying to exactly mimic what another person has done probably isn’t going to work. Each case is unique because the personalities and problems in each case are unique.
  • If you don’t take care of yourself–take time to eat, sleep, catch your breath and pray–you will burn out quickly and be of little use to anyone, including yourself. The situation in which you find yourself is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Yes, someday it will end but that may be a long, long time from now. In the meantime, if you do not pace yourself, sometimes even pamper yourself, you won’t be able to keep going. That’s not because you’re weak, it’s because you’re human.
  • The big picture can look and feel overwhelming. Sometimes it helps to break it down into the many tiny pieces that make up the whole. What you have to do for your parent, your children, your spouse, your job and yourself. The lists may be long but somehow no single item is overpowering.
  • Prioritize your tasks. Making those lists helps. Obviously, getting Mom to her doctor’s appointment is more important than vacuuming her apartment.
  • Give away some of the low-priority duties. Someone else can be hired to do the apartment cleaning. Someone else–the bakery department at the local grocery store–can supply the brownies you’re supposed to send to the next Cub Scout den meeting.
  • Get support for yourself. Groups for caregivers and organizations that focus on your parent’s particular illness or condition can help you deal with what you are facing. Doctors, social workers and the Area Agency on Aging can give you local contacts.
  • Write it down: dates and schedules and all that information from doctors, therapists, pharmacists, teachers, coaches, your boss, your spouse, your kids . . . . There’s no way a person can remember all the things you need to remember.

It may seem the day is completely packed but if you jot down your own “to do” list, you may discover there’s half an hour free here or there. A little oasis like that gives you something to look forward to. It’s a short break to partially recharge your batteries before you have to go, go, go again.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.

When You’re Married to the Caregiver

If you’re the husband or wife of an adult child who is taking care of an aging parent, it can seem that no matter what you say or do, it’s the wrong thing.

Suddenly you may find yourself an outsider as the immediate family circle closes ranks.

You may feel tremendously frustrated about your powerlessness. You cannot make everything all right; you cannot stop the pain your spouse is feeling.

Here are a few suggestions to consider that may make this time easier:

  • Remember that the relationship you have with your in-laws is not the same as the one your husband or wife has. This is simply human nature. No matter how close you may have become to your mother- or father-in-law, your experience is not the same as your spouse’s. While you may feel the two of you are doing more than enough to help, your spouse may not feel that way at all.
  • Understand that every immediate family has its own little quirks–good or bad. Maybe Dad has always had a short fuse. Maybe Mom has never been able to relax if there was one speck of dust on one stick of furniture. Maybe family members never talk to one another, they yell. Maybe they never yell . . . or talk. Whatever those characteristics, they may be intensified under the present, stressful circumstances.
  • Don’t take it personally if you are suddenly outside the loop. Perhaps no one really wants to hear your opinion because this is a “family” matter. At the same time, you may very well be affected by the decisions being made by your spouse and the other siblings. It’s not uncommon that several sons will decide what’s best for Mom or Dad but it is the daughters-in-law who end up providing almost all the care. Then, too, the opposite may occur. Your spouse’s siblings are no help and so it is up to your spouse and you to do everything.
  • Know that sometimes you will become the target for your spouse’s emotions, including anger, fear, sadness, frustration and guilt. Again, try not to take it personally. Most likely it’s not really meant for you but for something else: the disease or medical problem that is taking the life of your spouse’s parent, the pain and, ultimately, death.
  • Remember that while it may seem this situation has been going on forever and it will never end, it is temporary. It will end.

In the meantime, you may feel somewhat neglected, but remember, your spouse is being pulled in many different directions: aging parent, you, the children, the job. This is a time when he or she especially needs your help and your understanding.

A spouse also needs to hear, “You’re doing a good job helping your parent but you can’t do everything.” It’s hard to hear that. It has to be said gently over and over again.

It can seem pretty obvious to you that your spouse has assumed a new role as caregiver to an aging parent. What you need to remember is that during this time, you, too, have a new, special and vital role as well: Taking care of the caregiver, supporting the caregiver, consoling the caregiver and loving the caregiver.

Article courtesy of www.youragingparent.com

Resources for Caregivers:

  • Nourish for Caregivers – a faith-based program designed to meet the practical, emotional and spiritual needs of family caregivers.