Tag Archives: Married Life

Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble

This document was developed as a print resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) in 2011.

For Sue and Carlos, married for eight years, life is hectic as they try to balance his full-time job, her part-time job, and the needs of three children. Even when they manage a date night, conversation tends to revolve around the kids. Sue misses the connection she felt with Carlos as newlyweds. Carlos loves his family but wonders if there’s something more than the endless routine of carpools and shopping. Both worry that the spark has gone out of their marriage.

Nearly a year after Tom admitted his affair with a co-worker, Sally cannot forgive him. She considered divorce, but Sally takes their wedding vows seriously and doesn’t want to abandon nineteen years of marriage. Besides, Tom is a good father to their teenagers. Tom wants desperately to regain Sally’s trust but doesn’t know how to begin to repair the damage to their marriage.

On their wedding day, when a bride and groom promise to be true in good times and in bad, the hard times seem far away. The Church rejoices with the couple, even as it reminds them of what lies ahead. In the Nuptial Blessing the priest or deacon prays, “Lord, may they both praise you when they are happy and turn to you in their sorrows.”

The Church understands that problems are part of every marriage. The reality of human sinfulness can impair the ability to achieve a happy and holy marriage. Modern stresses on marriage can take their toll.

Nevertheless, God’s plan for marriage persists. He offers forgiveness and healing so that couples might learn to grow in self-giving love and thus become an image of the relationship between Christ and his Church.

How can this happen, however, when couples face the difficulties of married life? In their pastoral letter on marriage, Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. bishops offer an answer: “We bishops urge couples in crisis to turn to the Lord for help. We also encourage them to make use of the many resources, including programs and ministries offered by the Church, that can help to save marriages, even those in serious difficulty” (24).

This brochure identifies a variety of resources available to couples experiencing marital problems. Some couples, such as Sue and Carlos in the above example, can benefit from marriage education. Others, like Sally and Tom, often need more intensive help, such as counseling. All Catholic spouses can draw strength and healing from the Church’s spiritual resources.

The Parish as a Source of Help

Catholics experiencing problems in their marriage often turn to their parish for assistance. For many, a first step is to discuss their situation with their pastor, who can often offer support and guidance. Although most are not trained counselors, an experienced pastor knows what to listen for and what kind of help to offer. Couples like Sue and Carlos may simply need reassurance that their marriage is going through an unsettling but normal phase.

In some cases, a pastor may identify and challenge an addictive behavior. He may also determine that professional help is needed and recommend a qualified counselor.

The pastor represents a Church that is committed to saving marriages, if at all possible. He promises to offer spiritual and emotional support as the couple works through their difficulties. He asks the couple to make a similar commitment by trying in good faith to save the marriage. (An important note: In Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. Catholic bishops state that “no one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse” [24]. See also When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.)

In some parishes, deacons and lay ministers are able to provide pastoral care to married couples. Other parishes have pastoral counselors—trained mental health professionals who integrate sound therapy and spirituality. If no help is available, it may be possible to find assistance at a neighboring parish. This is also an option for couples who are reluctant to discuss their marital problems with their own pastor.

Helpful Resources for All Couples

  • Skills-building programs. Research has shown that marriages are more likely to succeed when couples acquire certain skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial planning, and time management. Some parishes and community adult education programs offer skills-building sessions. The diocesan Family Life Office may be familiar with programs offered in the area.
  • In-home resources. Many couples appreciate the flexibility of in-home resources such as books, DVDs, and web-based marriage enrichment programs. These are readily available online and in bookstores. The For Your Marriage website includes lists of recommended books and programs.
  • A Marriage Mentor couple can be helpful for any marriage, especially one in trouble. Some parishes have programs to match couples; otherwise, a pastor might suggest someone, or a couple might look for a more experienced couple whose interactions they admire.
  • Group-based encouragement and enrichment. Various enrichment programs are offered in group settings. Some, such as Marriage Encounter and the Marriage Encounter Weekend Program, bring couples together for a day or a weekend to focus on improving their marriage. Others, such as Christian Family Movement and Teams of Our Lady, offer a chance to meet regularly with other married couples for mutual support and spiritual growth.

For Your Marriage has more information about these and similar resources.

Resources for Couples with Serious Issues

  • Support groups. Addiction to drugs and alcohol, gambling, pornography, and similar behaviors, if left untreated, worsen over time and can destroy a marriage. Twelve Step programs such as A.A. and N.A. can be effective, alone or in combination with other therapy. The spouse of someone with an addiction can benefit from Al-Anon or Narconon. Many parishes have a list of such programs in their area.

See the article on Addictions for more information.

  • Retrouvaille and The Third Option. Retrouvaille is a weekend program with follow-up, designed for couples with serious problems, including those who are separated or divorced. Weekends are offered around the country. The Third Option combines skills-building workshops, sharing with mentor couples, and a support group. It can be used for marriage enrichment or crisis intervention. Spouses may come alone.

Counseling

Sometimes a problem becomes more than a couple can handle alone. Indications that a couple might need counseling include ongoing conflict that does not get resolved; poor communication patterns; disruptive life transitions; substance abuse; disagreement over a child’s needs; and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. A positive outcome is more likely when help is sought sooner rather than later.

A major challenge is finding the right counselor. The therapist should be committed to saving the marriage, if at all possible, and should respect religious values as a resource for strengthening the marriage. The therapist should have specific training in marriage counseling, with a practice that includes a significant amount of couple work.

The best referrals come from people whose wisdom and integrity can be trusted. This might include a friend, family member, physician, or mental health professional. It could be a pastor or parish staff member. Another referral source is the diocesan Catholic Charities Office or Family Life Office.

See the article on counseling for more information.

Spiritual Resources

Jesus promises to be with those who are dealing with difficulties: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest” (Mt 11:28).

Couples can experience Jesus’ presence through the Catholic Church’s rich treasury of spiritual resources.

  • In the Eucharist, Catholic married couples encounter the one who is the source of their marriage. Jesus’ self-giving love sustains their own union. Sometimes, however, couples slip in their Sunday Mass attendance, or they do not attend Mass together. A first step might be to make a date for Mass and start to reclaim the spiritual foundation for the marriage.
  • Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Jesus offers mercy and healing and the opportunity to make a fresh start after inevitable stumbles.
  • Personal prayer, Bible reading, and devotions such as the Rosary or eucharistic adoration can help couples discern God’s will for their marriage.
  • Some parishes and dioceses offer a day of reflection or weekend retreat for married couples.

Conclusion

The Catholic Church wants couples to have a holy and happy marriage. Addressing problems as they arise helps spouses develop the skills and behaviors that lead to a happy marriage; it also leads them to a holy marriage, as they grow in virtues such as patience, perseverance, and forgiveness. Couples who have worked through serious difficulties often emerge stronger and more committed. Hand in hand, they lead each other to heaven as they witness to God’s own faithfulness and abundant love.

About the document
The document Finding Help When Your Marriage Is in Trouble was developed as a resource by the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). It was reviewed by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades, and has been authorized for publication by the undersigned.

Msgr. David J. Malloy, STD
General Secretary, USCCB

Scripture texts used in this work are taken from the New American Bible, copyright © 1991, 1986, and 1970 by the Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, DC 20017 and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.

First printing, May 2011

ISBN 978-1-60137-199-7

Copyright © 2011, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, DC. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright holder.

This resource is also available in a printed brochure format (Publication No. 7-199). To order copies contact USCCB Publishing or call 800-235-8722.

What Makes for a Happy and Lasting Marriage?

All couples want their marriages to succeed. But what makes for a happy and lasting marriage? Is it just luck—a matter of finding the right spouse? Is each marriage unique, or do happy marriages have certain elements in common? Perhaps most important, what can spouses do to improve their chances of marital success?

Social science research offers some helpful answers. It reminds us, for example, that couples build “multiple marriages” over the course of a marriage. Common transitions such as the birth of a child, relocation, and the empty nest require couples to adjust their behaviors and expectations. Transitions can threaten marital stability, but they can also provide an opportunity for growth.

Here are several key findings from the social sciences that can help couples to navigate these transitions and build a lasting marriage.

–Couples who know what to expect during common transitional periods in a marriage are less likely to be blindsided when changes occur. Couples can acquire proactive resources to prepare for relationship shifts. See Stages of Marriage.

–The three most common reasons given for divorce are “lack of commitment,” “too much conflict and arguing,” and “infidelity.” (With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America, 2005)

–In contrast, the most common reasons couples give for long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They speak of hard work and dedication, both to each other and to the idea of marriage itself. (The Top Ten Myths of Marriage)

–Qualities that a couple can acquire and/or strengthen in order to save or improve their marriage include: positive communication styles, realistic expectations, common attitudes concerning important issues and beliefs, and a high degree of personal commitment. (Scott Stanley, “What Factors are Associated with Divorce and/or Marital Unhappiness?”)

–Married couples make a dual commitment. The first, of course, is to each other. The second is to the institution of marriage. This includes support for marital childbearing, openness to children, and a belief that marriage is for life. Such commitment results in high levels of intimacy and marital happiness. (Brad Wilcox, Seeking a Soulmate: A Social Scientific View of the Relationship between Commitment and Authentic Intimacy)

–Couples who stay married and happy have the same levels and types of disagreements as those who divorce. The difference stems from how they handle disagreements. The good news is that communication and conflict resolution skills can be learned.

Finding Meaning in Suffering

“Offer it up!” If you’re a Catholic, you probably first heard it from the lips of your mother. If you’re not, you may have heard a Catholic friend say it. It can sound like hard, uncaring advice. Yet, taken in the right way, it is anything but. What does it really mean to “offer it up?”

The “it” in the saying refers to suffering. No one goes through life without suffering. It can be physical or emotional, temporary or lasting. And it can be intense, maybe the most intense experience we will have in life.

If we can’t escape suffering, how can we deal with it? Some people live by what’s been called the Pleasure Principle: “Seek pleasure; avoid pain.” That’s led some people to illegal drugs and alcohol as a way of alleviating their suffering. But as any drug addict or alcoholic can tell you, addiction just makes things worse.

A few people try to avoid suffering through suicide or euthanasia. But the mere fact that some are willing to take such a drastic step to avoid suffering raises the question: Is suffering such a great evil that it even outweighs life itself?

That may have led one Catholic writer to put it this way: “If suffering has no meaning, then life has no meaning.” Or to put it another way, since we are bound to endure suffering during our lives, we might as well find meaning in it.

So if someone suggests that you “offer it up,” they are saying more than just “Live with it” or “Get over it.” They are giving you one of the keys that open up the door to the meaning of life.

In today’s world, people often seek meaning in achievement alone: Write a prize-winning book; score a big political victory; manage a multibillion dollar company. People who achieve these great goals are people we look up to.

Yet as Christians, we are offered another role model. Saint Francis de Sales put it simply: “Live Christ.” Read the life of Christ as written in the Gospels, and what you will find is an emphasis on suffering, the sufferings of the people around him and his own suffering as well.

Human suffering was at the heart of his actions: healing the sick, consoling the afflicted, feeding the hungry, freeing people from deafness, blindness, leprosy, and many other evils that afflicted people.

Suffering was not only at the heart of Christ’s actions, but at the heart of his teaching, as Pope John Paul II has pointed out. The eight beatitudes, a guide to the Christian life, were addressed to people tried by various sufferings, namely the “poor in spirit,” the “afflicted,” the “persecuted,” among others.

And at the end of Christ’s life came his own suffering on the Cross. Most of us would flee from such suffering, but he didn’t try to avoid it. Even though he had done nothing to deserve it, he willingly offered himself up as a sacrifice for the sins of the world.

If we “live Christ,” we offer our own sufferings up, not only as a reparation for the evil things we have done in life, but also for the evil committed by those around us and by people we have never met. We share in the sufferings of Christ to help redeem a sinful world.

By doing so, we find meaning in our sufferings. In finding meaning, we can cast aside the feeling that we are being victimized; we can overcome the subconscious need to complain about our sufferings in the hope that we can transfer some of the pain to others around us; we can shift our intense focus from what ails us to what ails others. And we can also find an answer to the question: “Why me?”

Suffering is a part of life. By “offering it up,” we can find joy. Or as St. Paul said in referring to the Lord: “I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake.” Yes, “offer it up” seems like hard advice, but we have it on faith that it is a key to happiness here and in the hereafter.

It Wasn’t an Option

Have you ever thought about how uniquely we approach a difficult situation when we know there is no other option? We put our heads together and keep working until we figure out a game plan. We get help. We pray. Sometimes, we hold our breath, muddle through until time passes and things change but we “stick with it” because we believe there is no other option but to stick with it.

It was 1979. I was a sophomore in college and I had come home to visit my parents for the weekend. My grandfather had recently passed away and for the first time I saw the adults in my life emotionally and tearfully shaken by the loss of their father. (It was a light bulb moment for me. “Oh yeah…Grandpa was their dad. He was Dad’s dad!”) This lucent occasion helped me to make sense of some “family stuff” I always wondered about but never asked.

So, standing in the kitchen, cooking bacon and eggs at the stove, I watched my parents at the table engrossed in their favorite sections of the Sunday paper. I had been hearing about couples divorcing in record numbers. This was all new to me. With the exception of movie stars and my mom’s best friend, I didn’t hear about divorce. Now, in this new inquisitive, “enlightened” period of my life, I had been wondering why so many marriages were ending.

I guess I should mention that we were an Irish/Catholic family. We didn’t “discuss feelings” if you know what I mean. We didn’t complain either. It’s quite a powerful combination – Irish/Catholic. (I have no regrets. It has come in handy in my 29 years of marriage raising four sons. But that is another story.)

So there I was at the stove listening to the peaceful sound of sizzling bacon. Yet, in my head I was baffled and uneasy. I ran through a litany of struggles my parents had endured in their 28 years of marriage–a lengthy, painful recovery from a tragic truck accident, a battle with lymphoma, years of unemployment, seven children, and now the realization that I was probably clueless about loads of other stuff! I know it was naïve to do, but I started comparing their struggles with those of recently divorced couples. It just didn’t add up and I had to do it. I had to ask.

I just took a breath and blurted out without any preface, “Why? Why didn’t you guys get a divorce?”

At the same moment, they lowered the newspapers in their hands, looked up and answered in unison, “It wasn’t an option.” Then they lifted their newspapers and went back to reading. Just like that. (See what I mean…Irish/Catholic.) I thought, “Huh? That’s it? That’s IT?” I guess it is silly to think I would have heard, “Oh, your mother gave me seven beautiful children” or “Oh, your father is my best friend.” (You know, that stuff we heard on Leave it to Beaver or Donna Reed.) No chance. The answer was, “It wasn’t an option.”

November 10, 2011 will be the 60th wedding anniversary of Frank and Mary. They are soul mates. They have unwavering respect and devotion for each other. They enjoy profound admiration and love from their 24 grandchildren, seven children and their spouses. They continue to inspire and encourage without preaching, and with very few words. They are a living example of faith and the commitment to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health to love and to cherish ‘til death do us part.

Is a Divorced Person Excommunicated?

A reader has asked the following question:

How do you respond to someone who says he is excommunicated from the Church so he no longer attends because he’s divorced and did not receive an annulment? I know it isn’t true but I don’t know the details.

Answer:

Some people believe that a Catholic who divorces is excommunicated. Not true! Divorced persons are full members of the Church and are encouraged to participate in its activities. The U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults says: “When divorce is the only possible recourse, the Church offers her support to those involved and encourages them to remain close to the Lord through frequent reception of the Sacraments, especially the Holy Eucharist.” Read more about the Church’s teaching on divorce.

Should a divorced Catholic wish to remarry in the Church he or she may need an annulment. Read more about the annulment process. Even if a Catholic has divorced and remarried civilly, the Church does not want them to be alienated. The Catechism of the Catholic Church urges attention to them, “so that they do not consider themselves separated from the Church, in whose life they can and must participate as baptized persons” (no. 1651).

When Unemployment Hits Home: Seven Ways to Help Your Marriage

“It could be any couple.”

That’s the answer you’ll get if you ask a family counselor to describe the “typical couple” who comes looking for help because of unemployment.

A husband and wife may come because they need assistance reconfiguring the family budget. Because they have to learn to live with less. Because this has affected their sex life. Because they fight over what the children should give up and how to say “‘no” to their sons and daughters. Because a wife resents that she now must be the family’s bread-winner. Because a husband feels he no longer has what it takes to “be a man,” to be the family’s main provider.

They may come because the stress of unemployment has led to depression or illness. To alcohol or drug abuse. To anger or violence. To a combination that’s unique to a couple’s own particular circumstances—to their strengths and weakness both as individuals and as a couple.

They may come because they see that their marriage is crumbling and may not survive.

Sadly, some marriages don’t.

“Divorce happens. Absolutely,” noted Sarah Griffin, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who has a private practice and also works for the Seattle Archdiocese’s Catholic Community Services in Everett, Washington. “Problems build up. Resentment builds up. They thought they were in this for love or at least what they thought love was. But love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision.”

Unemployment can leave an individual—and a couple—feeling overwhelmed, powerless, frightened. In a word, crushed. Yes, the partner looking for work can follow all the recommended steps for landing that next job but in the meantime…the meantime can be a long time.

The good news is that both husband and wife can make positive decisions that can ultimately strengthen their marriage. Here are seven ways to help your marriage when a spouse is unemployed.

1. The unemployed spouse, Griffin said, can choose to accept that things are the way they are. He or she can let go of the misguided but understandable belief that “my life has to be the way things were, or nothing is OK.” Perhaps they need to accept that the new job may not be as good as the one that’s been lost.

2. The employed spouse can remember to let the out-of-work spouse continue to have the same role he or she has always had when it comes to making family decisions. (Griffin pointed out that “those decisions are usually around money.”). He or she can avoid making the out-of-work spouse feel (even more) guilty about the loss of a second income by not fixating on “What are we going to do now!”

3. Both can keep in mind that with loss comes grief. “Losses can be devastating,” Griffin noted, “and being laid off is a primary loss.” A new loss like unemployment can bring up old losses that haven’t been dealt with, she added.

4. They can keep an eye out for signs or symptoms that they need outside help. A tip-off, said Griffin, is a “situation or emotions that interfere with your daily life. You can’t get out of bed in the morning. You can’t make it through the day. The two of you can’t stop arguing.”

5. They can seek help from both informal sources (such as wise and trusted friends or family members) and professional ones (including private counselors, counseling services, or programs made available through a parish or diocese).

6. They can notice and appreciate that, in the middle of all this turmoil, there may well be some positives. A formerly two-income family may not be able to afford day care anymore, but now the family doesn’t need day care. A dad may be surprised to discover he really enjoys being home with the kids. (Not that it’s easier than heading out every day to a job!) Now he gets to know them, and they get to know him, in ways that wouldn’t have happened without his unemployment. A couple that has talked about, and seriously considered, simplifying the family’s lifestyle can realize that now there’s both a perfect excuse to do just that–and little option to do otherwise.

7. They can see how their religious faith is helping them through this and they can trust that it will continue to do so. In Griffin’s experience as a counselor, “any issue with a faith-based couple is easier.” Why? “I imagine it’s because they know there’s a Higher Power who cares about them, whom they can pray to,” she said. “A Christian marriage is very, very different from a secular one. There’s a different language that includes things like ‘this happened for a reason’ and ‘I can pray about this.’”

And what a difference—what an ongoing blessing and source of grace and strength—that can be, in good times and in bad.

About the author 
Bill Dodds is a long-time writer for Catholic publications whose latest novels are “Pope Bob” and “My Great-Grandfather Turns 12 Today.”

How to Deepen Empathy in Your Marriage: Three Key Skills

It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking each other for granted or just putting up with each other. One husband described this bluntly: “When I get home my dog is the only one who seems excited to see me!” Make this year a break-through year in your relationship by trying three powerful empathy skills to deepen your love for each other.

1. Make your partner feel welcome in your heart.

Focus on those qualities and strengths that you honor and respect in your partner. This simple focus will restore your partner’s value in your heart. Joe, a successful physician, and Sylvia, a marketing executive, complained about their unfulfilling marriage and stressful lives. The more they talked, the clearer it became that they were living parallel lives.

Their first challenge was to switch the focus away from themselves and onto each other. They acknowledged that they were taking each other for granted and that their jobs got the best of them. They ended up giving each other the leftovers. They decided to switch their priorities and focus first on each other’s feelings and needs and to practice daily the art of welcoming each other into their hearts. Today they are far more emotionally connected and happier.

Try this: Each day greet your partner with a genuine smile and some expression of affection.

2. Become interested in how your spouse is feeling.

Remember when you were dating? You had an insatiable interest in each other’s feelings and what would make each other happy. Over the years you may have shifted focus away from your partner and more towards yourself. Perhaps now you’ve come to expect that he or she should always be there to support you or you’ve gotten too task-oriented, hoping he or she will not interfere with your plans.

When you disregard your partner’s feelings as unimportant, however, you are actually disregarding your partner. Understanding your partner’s feelings opens the door into his or her intimate emotional life and finding out what makes your partner happy is crucial. You don’t have to be that insightful or sensitive to notice what makes your partner angry, sad, or worried–but what may be more elusive is what makes your partner happy.

Mary and Robert had been married for seven years. She complained that Robert liked to run the household as if it were his office. He was caring and responsible but always placed tasks before people. He was convinced that he was a good husband because he worked very hard to provide for his family and had never cheated on his wife or done anything immoral or illegal. He couldn’t understand why Mary was unhappy with him. After all, he thought, wasn’t he hardworking, loyal, honest, and responsible? Mary eventually confronted him: “Yes, Robert, you have all those qualities, but you don’t give me what I want.” Throughout their marriage he played the role of the good husband, according to him.

Finally he realized that he was a good husband only if Mary felt loved by him. Mary wanted a husband that focused first on loving her and the kids and then on completing tasks. He also discovered that Mary felt loved by him when he understood and valued her feelings.

Try this once a week: Ask your partner what you could do during that week to bring him or her joy.

3. Validate your partner’s feelings.

Validating your partner’s feelings means valuing what he or she is feeling and showing it through supportive feedback. You don’t need to analyze or judge the validity of those feelings but simply appreciate that he or she shared them.

Mark and Tiffany had difficulty validating each other’s feelings. Their attempts to communicate with each other usually followed a predictable pattern of failure. When Tiffany shared anger, worry, or sadness, Mark tried to help her by offering advice on how to solve or prevent the situation that caused those negative feelings. Tiffany wanted to feel understood.

Whenever Mark gave her unsolicited advice, she became upset with him. Mark, in turn, felt upset that she didn’t appreciate his genuine desire to help with her problem and began to withdraw emotionally. Tiffany felt his detachment and began to resent and criticize his emotional insensitivity and shared her feelings again only with reluctance. Fortunately they broke this negative cycle by learning to validate each other’s feelings. Mark began to validate Tiffany by saying, “I can see how upsetting that was for you. Is there anything that I can do to help you now?” Now their sharing leads to greater emotional intimacy.

Try this: When your partner shares feelings with you, value what he or she shared, without offering solutions or unsolicited advice.

From “Thriving Marriages” 2nd ed. by John Yzaguirre, Ph.D., and Claire Frazier-Yzaguirre, M.Div., M.F.T, New City Press, 2015. http://www.thrivingfamilies.com/

Help for Empty Nesters

While some couples look at the “empty nest” as a second honeymoon, it will end and couples will face the challenges of reinventing their marriage for the second half. For many, this can be a hard time on their marriage. Why?

First, most couples at this point are exhausted and their marriage may be on the back burner. You may be emotionally drained and feel disconnected from your spouse. Second, all those things you’ve been postponing are just waiting for you, thus the tendency is to “get busy” and avoid facing the challenges of this new stage of marriage.

We decided to research this stage of marriage, put together our own national survey, and began what has become a 20-year journey to help us and other empty nest couples reinvent their marriages.

Empty Nest First Aid Tips

• Slow down and get some rest! Take a nap. Go to bed at 8 p.m. Sleep around the clock. You’ll never be able to refocus on your marriage until your life comes back into focus.

• Celebrate! You made it through the active parenting years. Although it is not at all uncommon to become aware of some sense of loss and regret at this time of life, you can counter any of those sentiments by promoting a strong sense of celebration for where you have come and of excitement about your future. Go out to dinner. Have some fun. Have a great date.

• Acknowledge that this is a time of transition. Say to each other, “Things are changing right now and that’s okay.” Change can bring out insecurities that are festering below the surface. Just acknowledging that things are changing can help with the transition. Transitional times can be stressful but they also give you the opportunity to redefine your relationship and to find new fulfillment, intimacy and closeness.

• Resist making immediate decisions about your future until you have some perspective. Realize that things are changing and that you can change with them – but you need to take it slowly. Unfortunately, some spouses who are disappointed with their marriage bolt right out of the relationship as soon as the last kid leaves home. This is a time when the divorce rate soars. Give yourself time to get to know each other again and to revitalize your relationship. Don’t accept new responsibilities for at least three months.

• Plan an empty nest getaway. Go off together. Talk about what is great about your relationship and the areas that needed work. Make a commitment to work on the weak areas and reinvent your marriage.

Empty Nest Challenges

Once you’ve made it through the initial transition into the empty nest, you need to surmount the long term challenges of the second half of your marriage. In our Second Half of Marriage program we look at eight challenges of the empty nest years including the following:

• Let go of the past and forgive one another. Let go of past marital disappointments, missed expectations, and unrealized dreams. You need to forgive each other and choose to make the best of the rest. You may even want to make a list of things you will never do or will never do again. But then make a list of things you want to do in the future.

• Create a partner-focused marriage. In the past you may have focused on your kids and your job. Now is your opportunity to focus on your marriage. You can build a closer more personal relationship in the second half of life. In the first half of marriage we tend to live our lives in response to circumstances such as parenting and career demands. In the second half of marriage you aren’t as controlled by your circumstances and have the freedom to reinvest in your relationship.

• A gender role shift often takes place at this time of life. Men become more nurturing. Women, who generally have been more responsible for the kids, now become more expansive and may choose to go back to school, get a real estate license, or start a new career. It can seem like you are moving in opposite directions, but on a continuum you are actually moving closer to the center. Realizing this can help you capitalize on it and refocus on each other.

• Energize your love life. Many people assume that as people grow older they lose interest in sex. Research shows otherwise. Our surveys suggest that sexual satisfaction increases rather than decreases with the number of years married. Your love life in the empty nest can be better than in the parenting years. Look for ways to romance your mate. Think of your love life as a stroll, not a sprint. Enjoy the slower pace. If medical issues arise, be willing to talk to your doctor. Often help is available.

• Adjust to changing roles with adult children and aging parents. Just as you need to release your children, you need to reconnect with them on an adult level. At the same time your parents are aging and perhaps beginning to experience health problems. Whatever your situation, the relationship with your adults kids and parents affects your marriage. The key is to keep your marriage relationship the anchor relationship. You can handle stress much better when you know one other person understands how you feel. You can’t go back and change your family history, but you can change the future. You can forge better relationships with those loved ones on both sides of the generational seesaw.

• Connect with other empty nest couples and encourage them in their marriages. Consider starting your own empty nest group or becoming mentors for a younger couple. Volunteer to start a marriage program in your parish or community. For a wealth of great programs see www.smartmarriages.com.

The empty nest years of your marriage can be a time of incredible fulfillment, no matter what challenges you previously faced. You can reinvent your relationship, renew your friendship, and create a vision for the rest of your marriage.

This article is adapted by the authors from their books “The Second Half of Marriage” and “10 Great Dates for Empty Nesters.” It originally appeared in Family Perspectives Journal (Summer 2010), a publication of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers. Used with permission.

Be a Great Valentine–Give the Gift of Words

Are you looking for a meaningful Valentine’s Day without spending a dime? Share the gifts below.

Gift of Words #1 – Compliment Your Mate Inside and Out
There are two types of compliments: those that address a person’s outer appearance and those that address a person’s inner character. Surprisingly, our research shows 84% of people prefer to receive a character compliment as in, “You are an incredibly kind person,” over a comment like “Your hair looks great.” Start sharing character comments with your honey today.

Gift of Words #2 – Show You Care
We all experience unique events during our busy days so when our spouse shows interest in our day’s happenings it creates an immediate loving bond with him/her. Find something in your spouse’s schedule on Valentine’s Day (and other days too) such as a special meeting, an important errand, or a doctor’s appointment, and call/text/email mid-day to specifically ask how it went.

Gift of Words #3 – Talk Forward
If you want to have a special Valentine’s Day, it’s important to persuade your spouse that he or she is special to you every day, not just on Valentine’s Day. Do this by “talking forward.” Take charge and make a thoughtful plan for the future. On Valentine’s Day, say, “I’d like to make a special plan for us next month. Let’s go to __________. [Fill-in with something your spouse enjoys, such as a museum, the theatre, shopping, a road trip, etc.]? What do you think?”

Gift of Words #4 – Make an Offer
If you want to receive instant love and appreciation from your honey, volunteer to do something for your mate before he or she asks you to do it. For example, offer to pick something up at the store, offer to repair something, prepare dinner or offer to put your kids to bed (if you don’t usually). A surefire way to boost your love life is to make an offer. It says to your mate, I care about you and when you’re happy, I’m happy.

Gift of Words #5 – Be Memorable
Do and say memorable things this Valentine’s Day and year round. Instead of dining out, create a candlelit indoor picnic. Sing karaoke together. Arrange for a massage–together. Post love notes in surprising places. Buy a lasting plant instead of flowers. Phone your spouse to give a heartfelt comment during the day like, “I love you because….”.

You will spark love and romance this Valentine’s Day (and the year through) by showering your sweetheart with the priceless gift of words.

About the author
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-educated lawyer, couples mediator and bestselling author of “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In.” Article adapted from “Fight Less, Love More.”

Five Tips to Fight Less and Love More

The holiday season is back. With family gatherings, high expectations and the pressure to make everyone happy, December can be the most stressful month of the year. How can we keep our cool and make sure our marriage stays strong and our children see the best in us during this challenging season?

As author of the new book “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In” (Rodale, Oct. 2010), I offer you five simple tips to keep peace in the family and make your love connection grow. You might be surprised to find that I am not going to tell you to talk more as many experts insist; instead I am going to show you how to use just a few minutes a day to talk better.

1. Pick the Right Battles. Your spouse comes home from work drenched from the rain because he forgot an umbrella. You told him to take one that morning after you heard the weather report. Before you start criticizing him while he’s soaked, ask yourself this wise question, “Does this affect me?” In this example, it doesn’t. He arrived home drenched, not you. So don’t pick that battle. In the future, when your spouse makes a mistake and it doesn’t affect you, rather than using a “fight line” like “I told you to take an umbrella, you should have listened to me!” use a compassionate love line like, “You’re all wet. Do you want a towel?” And, if you find it hard to say those words, just say nothing.

2. Give a Character Compliment. In researching my book we did an on-line survey and found some interesting results that can help us understand how to have a better marriage. There is a specific type of compliment that people want to receive. When we asked individuals “Would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?” the result was that 84% said “kind.” The lesson: find daily opportunities to compliment your mate’s character (such as his/her generosity to a friend, compassion to a relative, etc.). Offer up character compliments to your children, too. Share this research study with your family and ask them to join you in a character compliment challenge.

3. Avoid Premature Arguments. My clients are smart people, who often have dumb arguments with their spouse. One type of these unnecessary battles is so common that it threatens almost every relationship. I call it the “premature argument.” Look out for those times when you and your mate get into a brawl about a decision that doesn’t have to be made for weeks, months or years, such as where to go for Christmas Eve… the following year, or who to invite to your 10-year anniversary party when you’re only married eight years. When you realize you’re arguing about something prematurely, stop yourself and say, “Hey, we’re having a dumb argument. Let’s stop talking about this now and continue the conversation when we have more information.”

4. Follow-Up. A little bit of remembering shows a lot of love. If you know your spouse has an important meeting, doctor’s appointment, job interview etc., be sure to follow up with your mate that day. Call, email, text or ask in person, “How did it go?” This sends a clear message: I care about you and you are important to me. Make it a habit to do this whenever something unique happens during your mate’s day. And if you seldom have anything to follow up on, that’s a telltale sign that you don’t know or care about what is going on during your mate’s days. So start asking, listening and remembering. It’s also a great idea to follow up on your children’s daily activities. But be sure to teach them to reciprocate and ask you about your day too.

5. Disagree without Being Disagreeable. An easy way to start a fight is to quickly jump in to say “You’re wrong” or “That’s a stupid idea!” Meanwhile, a better, more loving way to make the same point is to use a wise question. The moment you know you disagree with what your spouse said, stop and ask the powerful question, “Why do you think that?” Listen to the answer (you may uncover some new information to alter your opinion), then feel free to disagree without using judgmental words. By holding your tongue and listening first (even if it’s only for a minute), you show respect. And when your children overhear you, they learn an important lesson about how to turn a disagreement into a conversation.

The values we hold dear to us–respect, appreciation, compassion, loyalty and companionship–are fostered or destroyed every day by our word choices and actions. If you resolve to use these five simple communication tips, you will discover that your love will be stronger and better than ever.

About the author
Laurie Puhn, J.D. is a Harvard-educated family lawyer, family and couples mediator and television personality.