Tag Archives: Marriage Rx

How Much Does Faith Matter?

The Situation

Mary’s faith has always been very important to her. Her husband, Ted, was raised Christian but now considers himself an agnostic. He’s not anti-God; he just doesn’t know that God has anything to do with his life here on earth.

This didn’t bother Mary when they first got married since she knew Ted to be a good and moral man who did not interfere with her practice of her Catholic faith. Mary and Ted, however, now have a child who is preparing for first Eucharist and asking why Dad doesn’t join them at Mass. Mary also finds herself a little resentful that she and their son go to church every Sunday while Ted sleeps in or plays golf.

Ted has also been dealing with stress at work lately and seems depressed at home. Mary thinks that it would help Ted cope if he had God in his life. She’d feel they had a much more cohesive family if they could share faith and go to church together. What should Mary do?

  • Mary could talk to Ted about how important faith is to her and ask Ted to join her in faith for the sake of their marriage.
  • Mary could leave pamphlets around the house or ask Ted to join her for faith-sharing or enrichment talks sponsored by the parish or diocese.
  • Mary could ask Ted to go to RCIA to learn more about her faith and perhaps decide to embrace it for himself.
  • Mary should accept the fact that faith and God are not important to Ted and not try to change him.
  • All Mary can do is pray.

A Response

It certainly is painful when something important, indeed something core to one’s being like faith, is not shared by your spouse. It is difficult enough when a spouse belongs to a different faith tradition but even more so when Ted not only rejects organized religion, but also does not seem to value a spiritual life.

While no one can or should force another to believe in God or practice a religion, that doesn’t mean that God might not work through the believing spouse’s example of a faith-filled life. Assuming that Mary has already asked Ted to join her for worship and he has declined, another step might be to attend something together that is less directly religious but focused on parenting or marriage enrichment. Often parishes or dioceses sponsor such programs that are value based.

Also, Mary could look around for an inspiring speaker who talks on faith issues and ask Ted to accompany her–not for conversion but for support. Another route would be to find short, inspirational articles that address common human concerns such as depression, living a more fulfilling life, or communication in marriage. She could start with an article on this ForYourMarriage website or other resources such as CareNotes (www.onecaringplace.com). Although Ted probably would not yet be receptive to having a chat with a priest, perhaps there is a respected friend who could talk about why he or she is a person of faith. If Ted can find encouraging insights through spiritual talks or reading it might stir him to take another look at organized religion.

So Mary can do a number of things to introduce Ted to a healthy, meaningful spiritual life, but the most important question is, “Is Ted a good man? Does he live by values consistent with the gospels even if he does not claim Jesus Christ or any particular religion?” If indeed he has a strong moral compass but is not ready to join Mary in religious practices, leave the rest up to God. Who knows path God will use to draw him close. Of course, Mary should continue to pray that she might be a worthy instrument of God’s grace in their life together.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

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Interfering In-Laws

The Situation

Karen and Bill have been married for two years. They get along well, except for the visits from Bill’s parents. His dad is a fine person and easy to have around. Bill’s mother, Helen, is the problem.

Helen is a super housekeeper. At Helen’s house there is never a scrap of paper where it shouldn’t be or a dust ball anywhere. Her windows shine, her appliances shine – the house and everything in it could be brand new.

Karen and Bill share the housekeeping in their apartment, but they both work full time and enjoy having a chance to kick back when they are not working. Mail does pile up, and sometimes there are dirty dishes in the sink. So when Bill’s folks are coming, they go into high gear cleaning up. But no matter how much they clean, Helen always finds something that needs her attention when she arrives.

Karen’s frustration has been mounting over the years of their marriage, so this last time, she set out to make things spotless. She even enlisted the help of her friend, Sue. The two of them spent the Thursday night before Helen’s weekend visit cleaning – four hours of vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing and waxing. Karen was sure Helen would have nothing to clean this time! But sure enough, she had missed the pipes behind the sink in the bathroom, and the kitchen trashcan had some coffee stains inside.

Karen was so frustrated she couldn’t enjoy the visit, and when Helen left she cried to Bill, “Why can’t she just come and visit? Nothing I do is enough!” Bill’s answer was, “Oh honey, that’s just how mom is. She doesn’t mean anything by it.” Karen still feels frustrated in meeting the impossible standards of her mother-in-law. What can Karen and Bill do?

A Response

Although cleaning may not be the in-law issue you personally deal with, it reflects one of the many ways interference by in-laws can bring tension to a marriage. Strategies for addressing interference from outsiders, however, remain the same:

Abandon the ketchup bottle

In talking about conflictual situations, couples sometimes use the “ketchup bottle” approach. You know, when you can’t get the top off the ketchup so you just try harder? Usually you have to try something new before it opens. If Karen thinks cleaning for six hours next time will do the trick, she’ll likely end up even more frustrated.

Put yourself in the other’s shoes

Karen needs to try to figure out why Helen is so determined to find things to clean. Maybe she feels awkward sitting around with no tasks to do. Maybe she’s been praised for her cleaning ability and feels it’s her only talent and wants to make sure everyone knows it. Maybe she knows that Bill and Karen have to clean after working 40-hour weeks so she wants to help out when she’s around.

Without asking Helen, we won’t know what her motivation is, but trying to understand what’s driving her may make it feel less like a competition.

Talk with your spouse about it

Karen probably wants to talk to Bill about her feelings – not to complain about his mother, but to brainstorm solutions. That will make it feel like a problem they share, rather than an issue that comes between them.

A hint for the interferer

If you are reading this and identify with Helen, you may want to ask yourself why you are cleaning Karen and Bill’s house. You may feel critical of Karen as a housekeeper, but there are other ways to share your expertise. Maybe you could share time-saving tips you have discovered over your years of housekeeping. The last thing you want is to cause problems between Bill and Karen. Nobody wins if the young couple is unhappy. If your motive is to give them a hand because of their busy lives, then you need to offer your help directly, and ask if there is a particular project they could use help with.

A hint for the supportive spouse

If you are Bill, then you need to listen to Karen’s frustration and, without condemning your mother, try to help Karen figure out why your mom is behaving in this way. Your first job is to support Karen and listen to her feelings. You may need to have a conversation with your mother along the lines of “Mom, Karen and I split the household tasks, and when you come and start cleaning it makes us feel like we’re not doing a good enough job. We’d appreciate your suggestions, but when you and dad come we’d like to have fun with you.”

Underlying principles

There’s not one right solution to in-law dilemmas, but there are some underlying principles:

  • Couple unity has priority over other relationships.
  • If something needs to be said it should come from the child to his or her parent, not from in-law to in-law.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development. Kathy and her husband, Steve, live in Portland, ME.

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The Empty Nest

The Situation

Tom and Maribeth are college sweethearts married 29 years. They feel they have a stable marriage that has involved raising four children. It has been a wild ride of parenthood with a few hair-raising experiences. Still, they both agree that all four have been successfully launched into adulthood. And now that their youngest has recently married, they are truly an “empty nest” marriage, not just the “shifting nest” of college years and a few years beyond.

The couple has been very involved parents from the moment their first child was born after two years of marriage. Life with four children was busy and parenting was often emotionally draining and exhausting. Many days they found themselves waving goodbye to each other as they split up to take the children to their separate events and activities. They seemed to never have enough time for each other and would talk yearningly about how things would be when the kids were grown and they were simply a couple again.

Now that time has come. To their surprise Tom and Maribeth aren’t sure just how to begin living it. They have devoted so much of themselves to raising a family, and much of their communication has been directed to that end. They find themselves experiencing a strange emptiness in their daily lives and even feel uncomfortable in their conversations together. They both are deeply committed to each other but aren’t sure just what the “good life” of being a twosome again will be for them.

A Response

No wonder Tom and Maribeth are feeling unsettled and out of balance. They are transitioning from one life cycle stage of their marriage to another major stage that involves new challenges as well as new adventure. This isn’t the first life cycle change they have experienced in their marriage. They have journeyed together through the newly married stage, first child stage, elementary school and adolescent stages, and the launching stage of beginning to see their children as adults. Each stage involves developmental, emotional, and spiritual tasks that take gradual readjustments.

Indeed, the couple has already renegotiated several new marriage relationships through these various life cycle changes. Each time, they have adjusted their roles and learned new skills as they moved into the unknown future of the next stage. Since they are facing change, they will feel unsteady and possibly tend to resist it, even if unconsciously. The more they understand how to navigate the predictable changes of this next stage, the easier it will be for them to make a smooth transition together.

Reconnecting

In the best of situations, it is a challenge for married couples to stay in tune with each other in the midst of parenting tasks and responsibilities. Their communication style can suffer as they concentrate on daily busyness and fail to connect on a level of intimate friendship. Taking time daily to talk about each person’s ups and downs of the day is a good beginning. Some couples develop a habit of a daily walk together. Others sit on the patio after work. When partners communicate on a vulnerable level, sharing their important thoughts and feelings regularly, they reconnect and bonding occurs.

Redefining the Relationship

Sometimes a marriage has been too child-centered to the detriment of the couple relationship. It is important for couples entering any stage of marriage to commit to keeping the relationship “partner-centered.” In a “we-centered” marriage, the couple’s love relationship is central in their daily lives. This allows their love to flow outwards to their children and others. The Church makes it clear that couples are called to love one another in an extraordinary fashion. A good way to begin redefining the marriage is to reread your wedding vows to one another.

Reinvesting in New Growth

Allowing oneself to grieve the loss of particular roles enjoyed during parenting years is a healthy start to new growth. Discussing openly the strengths and limitations of the relationship and setting new goals together is also helpful. Letting go of old hurts and resentments is a necessary step towards growing healthier and holier in the marriage. Sometimes professional help may be needed.

Empty Nest couples, like Tom and Maribeth, are called to new choices, more freedoms, and new ways of loving each other in this grace filled stage of marriage. An excellent book for empty nesters is The Second Half of Marriage by David and Claudia Arp.

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Parenting to Beat the Bedtime Blues

The Situation

My wife and I have been happily married for eight years and are absolutely enamored of our 3-year-old daughter, Mary. We both work stressful jobs, and we are tired from doing household tasks and playing with Mary once we’re home. We need a few minutes to sit and talk before we go to bed. However, once we tuck her in, Mary just won’t stay in bed. We stick to a routine that includes brushing teeth and a story, but she constantly gets out of bed, asks for a glass of water, or complains about an imaginary tummy ache. We are exhausted and frustrated, plus we argue about the best way to handle these nighttime travails. We vacillate between comforting Mary, demanding that she go back to bed, and criticizing each other’s parenting style. It’s beginning to wear on our relationship. What can we do to preserve our sanity and get a little quality time with each other at night?

A Response

You are right that in order to keep your marriage healthy, you need to nurture yourselves in addition to taking care of your child. Bedtime can be especially stressful. For Mary, that means the end of stimulating interaction and attention. At the same time, you are looking forward to a few minutes of down time yourselves before you fall into bed.

You are off to a good start by keeping a routine. Spending 20 minutes or so on the rituals that lead up to bedtime can help your child know what is coming and recall the sequence that leads to sleep. Unless that isn’t what happens! If you read a second book or deliver water to her bedside when she whines, those behaviors become part of the routine, too.

Here are a few steps that might help:

  • Make sure your child knows what is expected of her. Tell her that once she is in bed, you want her to stay there, even if she can’t go to sleep right away.
  • Give your child choices both you and she can live with, but that help her to feel in control. For instance, ask if she’d like to take her doll or her panda to bed (the choice is which item goes with her, not whether she is going at all.)
  • Make conditions conducive for sleeping. Turn the lights low, pull the door at least partway shut, and keep noise to a minimum. Be careful that your child doesn’t overhear your disagreements about how to manage her behavior. Arguments between parents tend to increase a child’s concern.
  • If your daughter has an ingrained habit of popping out of bed once she’s put there, try a firm approach: Simply carry her back–no words, no anger, just calm action. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. The behavior usually disappears within a few nights.
  • If Mary seems truly fearful, she may need a more soothing approach to shaping her stay-in-bed behavior. After you’ve read to Mary and turned off the light, pat her back for a few minutes to help her relax. Then, tell her you’ll be back in a few minutes if she stays in her bed. Leave for just a minute so you are sure she will still be in bed when you return, then tell her you are glad she stayed in bed, pat her back again for a minute, and leave again, offering the same thing. If she gets out of bed, put her back in bed without patting, tell her to stay there and that you’ll be back soon (you’ll need to decrease the interval again at this point). Walk out very briefly so she’s in bed when you return, and let her know you are pleased. Keep doing this until you find her asleep. Over the next few nights, gradually increase the interval you stay away each time, so she learns to relax and fall asleep on her own.
  • Once a bedtime routine is established, consider taking turns putting Mary to bed, to allow individual closeness as well as offering the other spouse a break. If Mary knows you will both stick with the same routine and give the same answer once she’s tucked into bed, you will minimize the number of trips either of you needs to make back to her room.
  • If these simple strategies don’t help, consider seeking assistance from a child psychologist, who can help tailor an approach to your particular situation.

Finally, because evenings can be tiring and leave little time for you as a couple, it is important to keep perspective about how much nightly down time you will be able to squeak out when your children are little. To recharge your relationship, plan ahead for times when you can focus on each other. Consider setting up a regular date night. Remember that this time in your child’s life is brief and things will get better. A little effort to shape appropriate behavior now will avoid bigger problems later on. If you work as a team, you’ll be better able to play as a team, too.

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About the author
Lynda is a clinical psychologist and is on staff at the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Omaha. She and her husband Jim have been married 28 years and have two daughters.

Remarrying Well with Children

The Situation

Sam (45) and Sally (37) have been married for 2-1/2 years. It’s a second marriage for both. Sam was married at 20. He divorced at 35 and obtained an annulment. Sam has done co-parenting with his ex-wife for a number of years. Sam brings two children from his first marriage, ages 14 and 12.

Sally was widowed for three years prior to her marriage to Sam. She has a 10-year-old daughter and a six-year-old son from her first marriage. While the initial phase of dating, courtship, engagement, and early marriage went well, there is a lot of competition among the children today. Sam and Sally often feel frustrated with the behavior of their respective children. This has caused tension between the couple and resentment towards the children. They both want this marriage to work well.

A Response

Keep talking. Besides the beauty both Sam and Sally find in each other, there are many gifts and challenges that need to be acknowledged. They need to keep talking about the gift of each member to the family. They shouldn’t minimize the challenges, but always preface what is said by, “I say this because I love you.” Sam and Sally need to recognize that the challenges they face are normal and developmental. They are hurdles that all stepfamilies face. This reality: “We are going through tough times, but it’s normal,” can be consoling.

Read a lot. The Internet offers sites that provide simple, clear articles on stepfamilies. A great source is the National Stepfamily Resource Center. The local library and the State Cooperative Extension Service are useful resources. Ohio State University’s site has helpful handouts.

Take time to be a couple. Given their ages, Sam and Sally have the possibility of a 35-year marriage, of which only 10 to 15 years will be spent in active parenting. Nurturing their relationship is important, even if these “dates” are time at a diner over coffee and pie. Regularly scheduling this time as a couple also sends a message to the children. Sally and Sam can also commit to going to marriage enrichment programs offered in their parish or community. They are a married couple first and also parents.

Don’t be afraid to seek help. Seeking help from a competent marriage and family therapist can be very beneficial. It is a sign of great love to suggest this help early, rather than when in the middle of a crisis. The therapist should be familiar with stepfamily issues. The local parish priest, diocesan Catholic Charities office and the National Registry for Marriage Friendly Therapists can recommend marriage and family therapists. If Sally and Sam are really struggling in their relationship, attending a Retrouvaille weekend and follow-up program would be helpful. Retrouvaille has helped stabilize many marriages. Also, Sam and Sally should talk to other parents in stepfamilies. This will help them normalize their experiences as a family.

Examine priorities. Sally and Sam might need to accept that in their children’s eyes loyalty to their parent might come before the marital relationship. While this is contrary to a couple’s belief that the marriage comes first, children need to feel that they will never be abandoned, especially after major losses. Children need to know that they will always be first in their parents’ concerns. Thus, Sally and Sam need to make sure to acknowledge the importance of their children’s loyalties, even as they nurture their own marriage. Talking this through is essential to a successful remarriage.

Remember that change takes time. Sally and Sam need to accept that in some stepfamilies the experience is like a roller coaster ride. Acknowledging that time can heal one’s hurts and also begin to create loving relationships is essential.

It takes time for a stepchild to love a new stepparent, just as it does for the stepparent to love a new stepchild. Sam and Sally should try to do things individually with each child, when the opportunity arises. This can happen when they drop a child off at band practice or go to the hardware or grocery store. A little time alone with each child goes a long way in cementing relationships. Also, each parent should accept that the missing parent (the mother of Sam’s children and Sally’s deceased husband) are very important to the children. Let them grieve their losses and support them, even though some time has elapsed after the death/divorce. The Rainbows program can be of great assistance to their children.

Trust that God is in the messiness of family life. Sally and Sam need to keep acknowledging to each other and themselves that God is present in the ordinariness of daily life. There is a real gift–grace–given to us in our sacramental marriage. Sally and Sam can pray daily for and with each other. They can recognize everyday victories (a good report card, a soccer game well played), and acknowledge unsettling challenges (an upsetting day at work, a sick child). In all this, Sally and Sam can give thanks to God for the gift of married love and family life.

About the author
Bill Urbine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a permanent deacon and Director of the Office of Family Life Ministries for the Diocese of Allentown, PA. He is past president of the National Association of Catholic Family Life Ministers (NACFLM).

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When Teens Know One Parent Will Say Yes

The Situation

We have been happily married for fifteen years and believe we have handled most of our parenting well, but now our fourteen year old daughter’s drive for independence often causes us to argue. When she wants to go to a party or to the mall with her friends, my husband and I react differently, in ways that surprise both of us.

Usually, she goes to my husband first for permission, because he is more likely to let her go and not ask for details. When I find out, I end up being the bad guy because I insist on knowing who she is meeting or calling the parents who are hosting the party. If I say she can’t go, she throws a fit, and sometimes my husband overrules me, right there in front of her, saying we need to trust her. I think he doesn’t want to see her disappointed, but then I am angry at him and worried all evening. I’m afraid my husband and I are hurting our relationship, not to mention setting a bad example for our daughter. What can we do to keep our marriage together when our daughter stresses us out?

A Response

All parents face the tough job of striking a balance between balancing privileges and safety. When one parent is more protective than the other, tends to think more vividly about the dangers that are out there, or is more prone to worry in general, a teen is likely to notice the cracks in the parental unit and drift toward the parent most likely to allow freedoms. To minimize the strong emotions and conflicts that tend to happen in the throes of decision-making, consider the steps below.

  • Set aside time to talk to your spouse about your mutual commitment to your marriage and to the job of parenting. Name the thoughts you have when your daughter makes requests (e.g., “I just want her to have fun,” “She’ll hate me if I say no” or “I just know there will be alcohol at that party”), and talk about ways to relieve that concern. Remind yourselves that your daughter and your relationship will benefit if you can present a united front about your household rules.
  • Consider your teen’s developmental level. Early adolescence is a period of insecurity for many teens. They want to be part of the group that seems to have it together and also feel fairly invincible as far as the dangers that are out there. Take time to ask what your teen is thinking, hoping and dreaming. Ask how she can participate at some level without endangering herself or causing you excessive worry (Face it: you’re always going to worry a little).
  • Decide ahead of time the basic permissions you are both comfortable with in a given scenario and promise each other that you will present decisions as a team. Let your daughter know the basic rules about parties or going out. When she surprises you with a new request, tell her, “I’ll talk with your mother/father about this and we’ll get back to you with our answer.” Then hold a private discussion with each other.
  • Work out ways to back each other up. One way to show your support for each other is to have the stricter parent go first – the one who is more likely to say “no” to a situation – and plan that the other parent will agree saying, “Your mother (or father) said, ‘no,’ and I agree.” If your daughter poses a reasonable argument, tell her you will take her statements back to the other parent for consideration. Again have a private parental discussion. If the information prompts a change of heart, allow the stricter parent to be the one to give the good news, to help balance the permission granting. Finally, agree that you will both watch for disrespectful behavior from the daughter and back each other up about that, too, e.g., “It’s not okay to talk to your father/mother that way, and here is the consequence…” Talk about hypothetical situations. This may reassure you that your teen can make good decisions in difficult situations. For example, during dinner, casually bring up scenarios you have read about in the news or heard about from friends – don’t mention names. Ask your daughter what she might do if faced such a situation. If she gives a reasonable answer, let her know you are pleased with her thinking and add any suggestions you might have. If she gives a less than satisfactory response, suggest a few things that could happen as a result and ask what she might do instead. It also can be interesting to ask your daughter what she thinks about the complete lack of rules some parents seem to have. Often, teens will admit they view overly permissive parents as not really caring about their children.
  • Building trust and character take time. Let your teen know that the more she shows herself to be trustworthy, the more trust you will give. Yes, you want her to have fun, but you also love her and thus, her safety is your top concern. Parents sometimes have tough decisions to make, but sticking by your rules, even in the face of a child’s unhappiness, is showing your love. Not bending to pressure from others when things don’t seem safe is a skill you hope she also will exercise as she ventures out in the world on her own.

Finally, if necessary, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. It is a sign of love, not weakness to seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help all family members voice their concerns, reframe the conflict as one borne in love and possibly fear, and move toward solutions that will work for everyone.

About the author
Dr. Madison is a clinical psychologist, author and director of FOCCUS, Inc. USA. She speaks internationally on topics related to children, marriage and families.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.