Tag Archives: Marriage Rx

Marriage Rx

All relationships need help from time to time. Each article in Marriage Rx discusses the symptoms of a common but perplexing problem and offers a prescription to keep your marriage healthy.

The Empty Nest by Judy Clark

Resolving Differences by Kathy Beirne

Parenting Teens by Lynda Madison

Career Conflicts by Susan Vogt

Remarriage by Bill Urbine

Personality Differences by Judy Clark

Recreation by Mary Jo Pedersen

Making Moral Decisions by Joanne Heaney-Hunter

Parenting to Beat the Bedtime Blues by Lynda Madison

The Marital Sexual Relationship by Don Paglia

Finances: Yours/Mine/Ours by Judy Clark

Interfering In-Laws by Kathy Beirne

Sharing Household Duties by Mary Jo Pedersen

How Much Does Faith Matter? by Susan Vogt

Balancing Family and Work by Jim Healy, Ph.D.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut by Don Paglia

Resolving Differences

The Situation

We have only been married a short time, and things are going pretty well between us, but something that concerns me is that we don’t really solve problems. One of us raises an issue, we talk about it a little, and then we let it drop. For instance, I think he watches too much TV. When I complain he says “sorry” and then just goes back to watching sports every night. He thinks I spend too much money on unnecessary things, so I just don’t show him the things I buy any more.

What worries me is that eventually, when we have a real problem we can’t avoid, we won’t know how to deal with it. Are there any strategies for a couple like us to use?

A Response

Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, but you are smart to want to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. There’s no reason to assume that solving conflicts would come naturally. It’s a skill you learn and then practice, so that you develop “muscle memory,” a response that will come more easily when you are in a conflictual situation.

The first step in bringing up a problem is to start with an appreciation for the other person. In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work. You really make me feel like our future is secure because you have such a good work ethic.” This is the person you love and chose to marry so surely there is something in the situation that you appreciate or admire. Then move on to your view of the current situation. “I know when you come in you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?”

This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so I can’t share with you when that’s what you’re watching. We could watch a game show together, or a mystery, or a movie at least some of the time. I like all those things.”

Once he understands what your concern is, then you can work to find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch the game; the next, the two of you can watch a movie of your choosing.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much. He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget. She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. There are many different solutions. The right one is the one that feels fair and comfortable to the two of you.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended–those situations would be harder to deal with.

That kind of conflict requires one person to apologize, which is another habit worth cultivating. Apologizing is not the casual “sorry” that doesn’t have any real contrition behind it. A real apology is an admission that something has happened to offend the other person. It means taking responsibility for one’s action and making a plan to see that it will not happen again. Apologizing comes as a result of a conversation that allows the injured party to express how hurtful the incident was. These are not easy conversations, but they do allow the air to be cleared.

The other side of apologizing is forgiving. When an honest conversation has taken place, and one person has truly apologized, the onus is on the other person to offer forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is every bit as important as saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it. Marriage Encounter has an expression, “No Museum Keeping,” which means that if an offense has been forgiven, it is wiped off the record and cannot be brought up again. That doesn’t mean that if a similar issue comes up it can’t be addressed again. It just means that the prior offense cannot be revisited.

Big conflicts don’t come along frequently in most marriages. Small ones happen all the time, so these new skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the best tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened, and ready for use.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut

The Situation

After 16 years of marriage Bill and Betty find themselves in the marital doldrums. Although neither would say it openly, each feels their marriage has become lackluster and is in a rut. “Boring” was how Bill explained it to his closest friend. Although Bill and Betty have two children who keep them busy, what has characterized their marriage of late is a lot of routine and predictability. Even Bill’s tired joke that Friday night was their night for sex “in order to get it out of the way for the weekend”–a weekend filled with predictability and tedious repetition–was more true than he wanted to admit. It typified the lack of surprise or delight in their relationship.

Boredom started creeping in soon after Bill and Betty began to settle in to married life. Their efforts to provide their family with safety and security had instead created an all-too-patterned life of mostly sheer monotony. They began to treat their marriage as a finished product, rather than as something to cultivate. They then moved to the tasks of buying a house, having children, and advancing their careers, while expecting their marriage to take care of itself.

A Response

Betty and Bill need to recognize that being tiresome or dull is their own doing. Boredom is an emotional state resulting from inactivity or when couples are uninterested in opportunities surrounding them. Bill and Betty dislike uncertainty. Therefore, they work hard to create a life of security for their children and are carefully saving for their future. One might say they are a “risk adverse couple,” but to a fault. They attend the same few restaurants and go to the same place for vacation at around the same time of year. They’ve traded adventure and discovery for safety.

For some couples boredom is accepted as suffering to be endured. Common passive ways to escape boredom are to sleep or daydream. Other couples expend considerable effort and expense to remedy boredom through elaborate entertainment. These are only temporary fixes, however, since boredom is not so much dependent on one’s environment as a lack of imagination. You might say it is actually the person him/herself who is dull.

Typical solutions consist of intentional activities, often something new, since familiarity and repetition can contribute to tedium. Couples can learn a new hobby, take dance lessons, join a book club, cultivate a garden, learn another language, take a course, or go back to school. But that is not all they can do.

They can also get a life! For instance, they can help with the inner city poor or tutor children with reading difficulties. In short, they can get involved in something more important than themselves. They can start taking an ailing grandmother to and from her doctor’s appointments and see if the boredom doesn’t take care of itself. Either way, the solution is to immerse oneself in the world and respond to its many needs.

Early in Betty and Bill’s relationship there may have been the excitement of the chase. Once married, however, couples too often forget the importance of continuing to woo one another. They need to keep the love notes and flowers coming. They need to dress up for each other and to set up date nights. Sadly, many couples, when pressed, acknowledge that they never get away without the children.

Marriage can be a spiritual pathway, but it does not become so without intentionality and effort. Religion can be abused if it excuses boredom as something that just has to be tolerated as essential to the human condition. Acceptance of our human condition also means accepting our ability to imagine and explore new life experiences and to ponder what they mean for us spiritually. Probing God’s ways in our life can be stimulating and provide answers to life’s ultimate questions. God actions throughout history are seldom dull or ordinary. Try reading the Bible for dramatic interventions.

The challenge is not to destroy the relationship over one of the common marriage problems that can so easily be resolved. Even if one has divorced, and a new relationship initially seems exciting, this issue of boredom will eventually creep into any new relationship unless it is addressed. Couples need to re-kindle their love, no matter how buried it may appear. For example, they can switch off the TV and take half an hour to muse over the day together. Send the children to bed or off to grandparents for an overnight and have a candle lit dinner at home. Flood your conversation with things you admire and love about your spouse.

How to Make Moral Decisions

The Situation

Jeanne and Joe are engaged and will be married next year. They both have been working for several years, and are dedicated to their jobs. They are interested in both building their careers and their family life. They have agreed that their work outside the home should be valued equally, even after they have children.

Recently, Jeanne received exciting news. She was offered a major promotion, a job that would give her more visibility in her company and give them extra money to help pay for wedding expenses, furniture, and other necessities for their new apartment. The job offer sounds promising; Jeanne loves a challenge and considers herself up to the task of taking on significant new responsibilities. The new position, however, involves some potential drawbacks:

There would be considerable overtime associated with it. Her predecessor told her that he used to work at least 55 hours per week. Because this job is salaried rather than hourly, he did not receive overtime pay. In reality, the large increase in pay is reduced by the fact that she won’t get extra money for overtime.

The position involves one to two full weeks of travel per month.

How do Jeanne and Joe make a good decision about whether or not Jeanne should accept the position?

A Response

Sharing values and trying to discern God’s will when making moral decisions are critical elements in any Christian marriage. Over the course of a lifetime, couples make moral decisions on major life choices such as Jeanne and Joe face plus other more daily decisions about life style, use of time, talent, and money, and relationships with family and friends. Making a moral decision about an issue involves engaging in a process of prayerful reflection, conversation, and evaluation before reaching a conclusion.

People of faith should consider the following steps:

Begin by opening your heart and mind to God in prayer. Ask for the grace to follow God’s will.
Gather information to make a well-informed decision. Take advantage of articles, websites, and other resources. What does Church teaching say?
Consult trusted advisors to gain clarity about the issue. Family members and friends can be sounding boards, but remember that in challenging situations, it might be difficult for them to maintain objectivity Parish staff or counselors might be able to assist if a situation is particularly difficult.
If a decision involves both partners, make the decision together. It is crucial to come to consensus about decisions affecting both of you.
Be open to reevaluate the decision after a time.

Keeping these steps in mind, how should Jeanne and Joe proceed?

They should celebrate Jeanne’s accomplishments. She has been recognized for her talent and dedication to her job. Whether or not she takes the promotion, both Jeanne and Joe should enjoy her recognition.

As people of faith, Jeanne and Joe should take time to pray for help in making this important decision. They might ask God to help them appreciate the positive and negative elements of this opportunity.

Jeanne and Joe must decide whether or not the new job will be good for Jeanne as a person and both of them as a couple. One way to do that is to write down the pros and cons of the situation. Ask the following questions: What impact will the changing responsibilities have on their relationship? For example, will considerable overtime have a negative impact on their time together? Is this impact worth the sacrifice? How much more money will she actually make when she moves from an hourly position to a salaried position? How do they feel about so much business travel? What is the impact when a couple is trying to establish their marriage and maintain a difficult travel schedule?

If Jeanne and Joe can’t come to agreement about the decision, they should consider getting help. If they are not already connected with their local parish, they will find helpful people there.

Having prayed and carefully weighed the pros and cons, they need to make the best decision they can. Both Jeanne and Joe must be willing to accept the decision, and must agree not to blame or point fingers if it doesn’t work out exactly as they thought it would.

Finally, Jeanne and Joe should agree to reevaluate the decision at a future date. In light of their experience, they should ask: Was this a good decision? Should they rethink it and begin the decision making process again? Agreeing to a reevaluation time helps keep the lines of communication open, and helps couples to understand that they do not have to be locked into a decision forever.

Remember, in many decisions, there is no crystal clear correct choice. Making a moral decision involves weighing options and arriving at the best solution possible at the time. However, when a couple agrees on basic life and faith values, and is willing to engage in a process of moral decision making, they can be confident about their choice, whatever it is.

Personality Differences

The Situation

John is outgoing and can talk easily to almost anyone. Sarah is more reserved and prefers socializing in small groups. She finds herself hurt and uncomfortable when John makes the rounds at parties, leaving her to fend for herself. He can’t understand why she prefers the wallflower approach.

Darrell is practical and pays close attention to details. It is second nature for him to keep careful records of how he spends money. Record keeping is not that important to Kate. She feels restricted when she has to stop and make note of every transaction, as Darrell would prefer.

Tracy is quick to notice people’s feelings and tries to avoid arguments. Chris is firm-minded and enjoys a good argument. He likes to analyze, and persuade with the use of logic. It frustrates him when Tracy says that he is not listening to her when he’s only trying to prove his point.

Michael wishes Anna would pay more attention to punctuality and get to places on time. He prefers life on a schedule and would not think of being late himself. Anna wishes that Michael would be more flexible and not get so uptight about 5 or 10 minutes.

All these couples are dealing with personality differences in their marriage relationships. Though the scenarios seem trivial, these differences can affect essential relational components such as compatibility, emotional support, cooperativeness and intimacy. The very traits that originally attracted and drew these couples together can later seem like flaws that need eliminating within the marriage.

How can couples avoid getting caught up in the power struggles of trying to change the other when their own particular way seems best? Henry Higgins in the musical, My Fair Lady, exemplifies this relational dilemma when he wonders why Eliza Dolittle can’t simply “be like me?”

A Response

The task of attempting to sculpt our marriage partner into our own likeness fails before it begins. God made us unique with our own particular style of “being,” and much of our personality patterns come with the package. The saying, “I’m OK, you’re OK” can be applied to personality differences, for it reflects that no one style is better than the other, and that our differences are an expression of our God-given diversity.

We each have natural inclinations in varying degrees from extroversion to introversion, as well as preference patterns for perceiving information, making decisions, and structuring our life and time. When we try to change our spouse’s natural personality patterns, we negate his or her essential goodness and usually cause resentment, hurt and distrust.

Understanding and Generosity

There is great value in exploring a couple’s personality match to gain a clearer understanding of self, our spouse, and how our styles impact our relationship. Identifying similarities and differences helps couples understand the dynamics of their relationship more clearly, but generosity towards each another is still key to personality compatibility. If we choose to see our differences as GIFTS, we are drawn towards greater acceptance. When we concentrate on our spouse’s strengths and complimentary style, we can appreciate and affirm rather than criticize. Since no personality style is better than another, we can choose to give up our superior attitudes as well.

Balance Leads to Harmony

We also tend to overuse personality patterns with which we are most comfortable. When this occurs, our corresponding limitations become more glaring. For example, the extrovert becomes overbearing or the introvert may appear non-communicative. It’s true we don’t tend to change our basic preferences, but we can develop maturity within our basic style for the sake of our marriage. A generous effort to curb our overuse of a pattern preference increases our own personality balance and brings harmony to the relationship.

Accepting one another’s personality differences is an ongoing process within marriage and is part of the couple’s spiritual growth. As spouses recognize each others’ patterns to be as valid as their own, they allow themselves to be influenced by them as well. Then the saying, “I’m OK, You’re OK” becomes a reality.

Suggested Resource

Many of us have been exposed to personality inventories through college or jobs. A great resource book for couples is, Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey. It contains a personality style assessment instrument and chapters on marriage and parenting.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

About the author
Judy Clark is Co-Director of Family and Adult Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plano, Texas and a licensed professional counselor.

For Further Reading:

The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse by Art and Laraine Bennett

Household Duties

The Situation

It’s not just the ‘uns’ that irritated Heidi: the unmade bed, the un-emptied dishwasher, the un-folded laundry. It was the fact that Sam had been home all day and was asleep when she returned from her extra weekend shift at the hospital. She was tired and resentful and felt that he hadn’t done his share of keeping up the apartment, but always had time to watch his favorite sit-coms and sporting events.

Sam was angry because he thought he was doing very well and that Heidi didn’t appreciate his efforts. He was doing more picking up and cleaning than he had ever done as a bachelor. He never left dirty dishes in the sink or clothes on the floor. He took his turn at vacuuming and cooking meals and he thought Heidi was being a neat freak about the whole thing.

Hoping to buy a home soon, Sam and Heidi were both working overtime in order to pay down their school debts. As a result, they had very little free time together or money for recreation. They had agreed to share household tasks as well as cooking and shopping. But it wasn’t working out so well. Sam referred to his wife as “tidy Heidi” and she in turn called him “sloppy Sam.” Their conversations about a more equitable division of household chores ended in Sam’s increasing anger about Heidi’s not valuing his efforts and Heidi’s growing resentment that Sam didn’t take this seriously. They want to address this problem, but don’t know where to start.

A Response

In studies that measure marital satisfaction, the topic of sharing household duties is one of the primary sources of dissatisfaction for couples, especially in the early years of marriage and when both spouses work outside the home. Like other responsibilities that are shared in married life, homemaking is an important part of building a life-giving partnership, one that respects the dignity, the needs and the abilities of both spouses.

Sam and Heidi are wise to see the need for addressing this source of irritation in their relationship. When disagreements are swept under the rug they often grow in size and significance and become entangled with other issues, eventually becoming much larger problems than they started out to be. Some things Sam and Heidi can consider in finding an agreeable solution to this problem are the following:

How neat is neat? Sam and Heidi may have agreed on dividing up the labor, but not on what “neat” or “clean” means to each of them. Making a list of what needs to be done daily or weekly may help them to agree about what is absolutely necessary and what can be left undone till there is more time. In any partnership, there is always some giving in. Heidi may have to lower her standards about some things and Sam may have to raise his a bit.

It’s impossible to settle differences when there is name calling, labeling or blaming in the conversation. Research shows that healthy married couples avoid such behaviors as part of their promise to “love and honor” one another. Conflict resolution skills might help Heidi and Sam understand each other better, find an agreeable solution, and lessen the anger and resentment they feel toward each other.

Is there a problem under the problem? Sam and Heidi are overworked and have little time or money to enjoy themselves. The stress of too much time at work may be part of the cause for their resentment and anger over household tasks. Consulting a financial advisor about paying down their debt at a slightly slower pace may reduce the stress and make housekeeping less aggravating for both of them. If they buy a house one year later but have a happier, more satisfying marriage, they’ve made a good investment.

Sharing household responsibilities is a common source of irritation for couples. Talking with friends about how they have worked out their division of tasks may give Sam and Heidi some new ideas for addressing their own situation. They may discover that, like other couples, setting aside an evening or weekend time for working together on the apartment would be a more enjoyable way to get the tasks done.

There is no one perfect solution to the problem of household duties, or any other marriage conflict. Sam and Heidi can agree to try a variety of cleaning schedules, convenience products that lesson the burden of a task, or methods of doing things. After six months, they can re-evaluate and try something else. A marriage relationship is organic; spouses are always growing and changing as is the environment around them. Part of being faithful in marriage is being willing to try new ways of doing things when one way doesn’t work. As someone once said, marriage isn’t a hundred yard dash, it’s a marathon!

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including “For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage,” Loyola Press, 2008.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

The Marital Sexual Relationship

The Situation

Bob and Mary have been married nine years and have two small children, ages eight and six. Each have demanding full-time jobs and they pride themselves on being involved in their children’s school and social activities.

What initially began as a positive and rewarding sexual relationship in this committed modern couple’s marriage has slowly diminished in sexual desire and frequency. While they continue to profess to love one another, Bob complains they each are too busy and over-stressed, while Mary often says she’s too tired for sex. Bob also sees himself as taking a back seat to Mary’s involvement with their children.

While not wishing to complain, Bob thinks their marriage is in trouble. He wants to make their lack-luster marriage more satisfying. Mary can’t see a way for her to regain the old desire that was present in the earlier years – B.C. (before children).

A Response

Marriage is a call to on-going intimacy – not only sexual intimacy, but also the intentional develop of emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Each dimension of Bob and Mary’s intimacy connects with the others. So, if they neglect emotional bonding or don’t pay ongoing attention to each other, all parts of the relationship suffer, including the physical expression of love.

Although sexual intimacy is pleasurable, its importance in marriage is not just to have fun; it also strengthens the couple’s bond, helping them to face the many challenges of their life together. Studies report that couples who are passionate about each other can more easily solve problems, including such things as dealing with children, extended family, and financial issues.

Sexual intimacy may have come easily in Bob and Mary’s earlier stages of marriage – a period likely laced with kissing and holding, loving words and deeds, romantic dinners, walks, and sharing of thoughts and feelings – that, later may suffer given the rigors of a growing family. In time, couples like Bob and Mary may settle for security and certainty at the cost of playfulness and passion in marriage.

Sustaining physical attraction, however, often takes a conscious decision to put time and effort into a dimension of the relationship that used to come effortlessly. It requires setting one’s spouse as the priority – before work, before cleaning, and even before kids. For Bob and Mary this may mean finding babysitters, having occasional dinners alone (without children), going on dates, and bringing to their relationship new ways of connecting.

For Mary and Bob, focusing on intimacy may require making the effort to break out of a routine and investing energy into cultivating creativity in their lovemaking. Part of what makes a relationship romantic is the excitement that comes with discovering a new person and noticing that that person cares about you. Of course, this doesn’t mean marrying a new person but rather, courting your spouse as though you are still bent on winning his or her love. Basically, it means re-tooling those very things that were a part of your earlier relationship but without the threat of rejection or loss.

One dimension of masculine/feminine sexuality worth exploring is how spouses complement each other. Just as magnets are drawn to each other from different poles, so too men and women are drawn to each other, not only because of similarities, but also for the differences.

For example, men more often show passion by pursuing and initiating lovemaking, focusing on purpose, protection and commitment; while women playfully tend to provoke and entice, focusing on vulnerability and feelings. Exaggerating these two polarities can stimulate passion. In our culture these gender energies often are judged to be too narrow.

For example, women may hesitate to appear “too feminine” for fear of being viewed as unintelligent or manipulative. Men face the possibility of coming across as insensitive. Equality and mutuality can get confused with sameness. But sameness is not very exciting. Within marriage, couples need to cultivate a healthy balance of both certainty and excitement. But therein lies the basic problem: Love seeks closeness while desire needs distance. Too much distance, however, might cause a lack of connection, while too much sameness destroys the attraction of two unique individuals. This is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.

Love enjoys knowing everything about the other, while desire needs mystery. If love grows by repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on mystery, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. Desire benefits from ongoing elusiveness. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire.

In sacramental marriage the couple’s call to love and be loved shows the world a glimpse of God’s unconditional, exquisite, and passionate love for each of us. Scripture uses passionate images of married love to describe God’s unimaginable love for us all.

In Catholic marriage the bride and groom are the ministers of the sacrament while the priest is the official witness of the church. As ministers, it is each spouse’s task to give the other an experience of being loved. In simple language this means that one’s spouse must know he or she is loved and comes first in the other’s life. It is in making each other number one that intimacy can blossom into an ever-deepening love. The call to be lover and beloved is a deeply spiritual call. Marital partners are challenged to cultivate marital eroticism. By doing so they embody marriage’s mystical meaning, both as a source of aliveness, and a pathway to salvation.

About the authors
Don and his wife, Chris, are Co-Directors of the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Hartford, Connecticut.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Finances: Yours, Mine, Ours

The Situation

Tim’s aunt sold her large home and moved to a retirement village. She decided to share some of the proceeds with Tim and Megan and sent them $6,000 to be used any way they pleased. After their initial excitement, the couple began to discuss how to use the unexpected boost to their financial picture.

Megan immediately suggested putting the whole amount into their savings account. The couple had dipped into their savings recently due to the expense of fixing the foundation of their older home. Megan saw the money gift as a way of shoring up their “safety net” of funds for future emergencies. She viewed money as security. Having grown up in a home where money was always tight, she carried the fear of not having enough into her adult life. She wanted her present family to be better prepared.

This approach wasn’t what Tim had in mind. He saw money as a resource to be spent on things or activities that provided fun and satisfaction in life, for oneself and others. He was responsible with money to pay bills and take care of the family, but had been known to overindulge in using money for enjoyment. There were no money concerns in Tim’s growing up years. Whatever he needed or wanted was at his fingertips. And after all, this was his aunt; shouldn’t he have more say in the matter?

This was not the first discussion about finances where Tim and Megan differed in how they viewed money and its uses. What are possible healthy choices for Tim and Megan as they work through this issue together?

The Prescription

Surveys identify money as one of the top issues over which couples have conflicts. Therefore, developing a couple-style of managing money is crucial to the health of a marriage. If a couple can’t work through their money issues together, the relationship will face problems of distrust, resentment and insecurity.

Since money is necessary for our well-being, it is a strong emotional issue in all of us. Tim viewed the use of money through the lens of enjoyment while Megan saw money as a means of security. Others may regard money through the lens of status, success, or a way of maintaining independence or security. None of these orientations is wrong in itself unless taken to extremes, or if one spouse refuses to consider the other’s view.

Tim and Megan can benefit from the following principles and skills as they make decisions about money matters in their marriage:

Come to the discussion with respect for your spouse’s perspective and input. Develop an attitude of an “intent to learn.” This requires a commitment to careful listening and prevents protective posturing.

Work towards a balance of views and uses of money to achieve a sense of success, security, enjoyment, and well-being. For example, Tim and Megan might elect to put $4,000 in savings and use the rest for a couple trip.

Avoid one-sided decisions. Make a budget plan and stick to it.

Remember that in marriage what is mine is yours – even gifts from a relative.

Avoid debt overload by saving and living within your means. If irresponsible spending has been an issue, set up a budget that reduces expenditures in order to get debt under control.

Remember that donations to one’s faith congregation are not meant to be leftovers, but an integral part of your budget.

Become an informed money manager couple. Reading a book or article on money issues (i.e. The Marriage Journey: Preparations and Provisions for Life Together by Linda L. Grenz & Delbert C. Glover) or taking a financial planning course together helps couples make more responsible and agreeable financial decisions.

Money matters in a marriage. When spouses take time to understand and honor each other’s perspectives on money and make wise and generous financial decisions, money becomes a bonder and not a divider in their relationship.

About the author
Judy Clark is the Co-Director of Adult and Family Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plana, Texas. Judy is also a licensed professional counselor.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Career Conflicts

The Situation

Julie and Jason thought they had it all worked out. When they were dating they had talked about how important it was to both of them to pursue their careers after marriage. Julie is a lawyer and Jason works in the IT industry. They even reconfirmed their intentions during their marriage preparation program. They knew they wanted to have children but they thought they could do it all. After all, Julie had gone to day care while her mother worked and Jason figured that with their combined incomes they could afford high quality day care when the time came.

Well, the time has come. Julie recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and they are both enthralled with their new role as parents. The problem? Julie has really bonded with little Jemima and she’s rethinking their decision. She finds it hard to imagine leaving Jemima when her three- month maternity leave is up.

Jason also has bonded with Jemima and certainly wants the best for his wife and new baby, but he’s practical. Their mortgage is based on both of them working full time and besides, with so many people being laid off, he’s not sure his own job is secure. On the other hand, quality day care is expensive. They wonder if they can afford it even with two salaries. How would you advise Julie and Jason?

A Response

It would be tempting to say that Jason and Julie should have anticipated this possibility and not bought a house dependent on two incomes. Perhaps they should have tried to live on one income and used the other salary for one time or discretionary purchases. This would have given them the freedom for one of them to quit work should a change of heart arise. Tempting, but they can’t undo the past. It also would be nice if their baby wasn’t born in the midst of a recession, but they, like most of us, have little control over such matters and certainly couldn’t have predicted it.

A more helpful and realistic approach would be to weigh carefully the various competing values. As in many moral dilemmas there may be several goods or problems that contend for priority.

Certainly Julie and Jason want to use the skills they’ve spent a long time honing. Not only are most careers personally fulfilling, many contribute to serving humanity. To work is an honorable and necessary part of life. As Scripture says, “The laborer deserves his wages” (Lk 10:7).

On the other hand, parenting is a career in itself. It takes intense devotion and time to raise a child. Not every parent feels parental instincts to the same degree, but strong instincts are not easily ignored, nor should they be. Then there is the value of wanting to be responsible parents. Caring for a child requires presence AND money. So we have the values of self-fulfillment, sacrificing time and money to care for a child, and making money to pay for a child’s needs.

When goods such as these conflict, consider the following steps when making a decision of conscience.

1. Gather the facts. How much money do Julie and Jason really need to make ends meet? If one of them puts his or her job on hold for a period of time, they will lose income but they may also save on work-related expenses. Plus, they wouldn’t have to pay for day care. Do the math. What would the bottom line budget look like?

2. Assess the emotional facts. Both Jason and Julie need to be honest with each other about their feelings. How guilty would Julie feel if she left Jemima to go back to her career right now? How fearful is Jason about losing income? Do either of them feel guilty or betrayed by Julie’s change of view? How regretful might Julie feel later if she postponed her career and found it hard to resume? Knowing the strength of these feelings doesn’t solve the problem but it helps them understand the motivations behind their differing positions.

3. Assess the alternatives. Is there any middle ground? Is a part time job a possibility? Would downsizing their lifestyle make it possible to make ends meet financially? Would it be possible for Jason to put his career on hold? Is the issue mostly Julie’s maternal instinct of wanting to be with Jemima or is it her larger concern of having someone else raise their child?

4. Consult others with experience. Sometimes choices feel so complex that it’s hard to evaluate. Here’s where other experienced parents can be helpful. Don’t just talk to the stay-at-home moms, however, or converse only with those who have decided on dual careers. Talk with both, especially those who hold different views from your own. They help check our rationalizations.

5. Bring it to the Lord. When decisions are confusing, bringing them to prayer can help us see more clearly. It’s not that we expect to hear a voice or get an e-mail from God. Prayer isn’t magic, but it can be powerful. Placing our worries, confusion, and hopes before God can bring clarity and peace. Prayer is a place of complete honesty since God knows our heart. There’s no reason to pretend or hide our motivations. Praying as a couple over this decision can help Julie and Jason to see the options clearly and generously. It can also bond them more closely as a couple.

Life decisions such as these are not easy but prayerful decision-making is a skill that transcends any one decision. Jason and Julie should find it helpful in the many future dilemmas they are sure to face as Jemima grows in wisdom and grace, and continues to perplex her parents.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

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