Tag Archives: Enriching Your Marriage

Marriage As Covenant

When the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a covenant, it is using an ancient and rich biblical concept to describe how God’s steadfast and exclusive love for his people is a model for the loving union of a married couple.

The Old Testament writers trace the relationship between God and the chosen people of Israel by speaking of the covenant he offers to them through Abraham, Moses. This covenant is an invitation to enter into a relationship in which “I will be your God and you will be my people” (see Exodus 19:5ff).

A covenant is a commitment which God initiates. The Bible tells a story of Israel repeatedly straying from the demands of this covenantal relationship and God always trying to call the people back to their original commitment (see Jeremiah 22:9 and Hosea 2:4). Despite the fact that the people continually break the covenant, God still promises them a new and everlasting covenant (see Jeremiah 31).

These prophecies are fulfilled in Jesus Christ. In his life, death and resurrection, God manifests in a definitive way his desire to draw us into a loving relationship with him and with one another. St. Paul teaches that marriage is a pre-eminent symbol (or sacrament) of the covenant which Christ has with his people. This is because marriage is a commitment by which spouses pledge to each other all aspects of their lives “until death do us part.”

But also, in daily acts of kindness, service, mutual love and forgiveness couples are called to imitate, however imperfectly, the unconditional love which Christ offers to us. Seeing marriage as rooted in the broader covenant of love between God and humanity has led Pope John Paul II and others to say that marriage is a sacrament “from the beginning” and not merely after the coming of Christ.

The teaching of the Second Vatican Council (see Constitution on the Church in the Modern World, n. 48ff) placed special emphasis on understanding marriage as a covenant, while not ignoring that every marriage also involves contractual obligations between the spouses. Placing covenant at the heart of a marriage shows that the interpersonal relationship of the couple, their unitive love, is what makes all other dimensions of a marriage possible and, in some cases, bearable.

Understanding marriage as a covenant which establishes between husband and wife a “partnership of the whole life” in which they “mutually hand over and accept each other” (see Code of Canon Law, c. 1055 and c. 1057) can greatly enrich our appreciation of this special union that is: (a) sacred in the plan of God; (b) permanent, faithful and fruitful; and (c) a living symbol of God’s love for his people.

Marriage As Sacrament

When the Catholic Church teaches that marriage between two baptized persons is a sacrament, it is saying that the couple’s relationship expresses in a unique way the unbreakable bond of love between Christ and his people. Like the other six sacraments of the Church, marriage is a sign or symbol which reveals the Lord Jesus and through which his divine life and love are communicated. All seven sacraments were instituted by Christ and were entrusted to the Church to be celebrated in faith within and for the community of believers. The rituals and prayers by which a sacrament is celebrated serve to express visibly what God is doing invisibly.

In a sacramental marriage, God’s love becomes present to the spouses in their total union and also flows through them to their family and community. By their permanent, faithful and exclusive giving to each other, symbolized in sexual intercourse, the couple reveals something of God’s unconditional love. The sacrament of Christian marriage involves their entire life as they journey together through the ups and downs of marriage and become more able to give to and receive from each other. Their life becomes sacramental to the extent that the couple cooperates with God’s action in their life and sees themselves as living “in Christ” and Christ living and acting in their relationship, attitudes and actions.

Catholic teaching holds that sacraments bring grace to those who receive them with the proper disposition. Grace is a way of describing how God shares the divine life with us and gives us the help we need to live as followers of Christ. In marriage, the grace of this sacrament brings to the spouses the particular help they need to be faithful and to be good parents. It also helps a couple to serve others beyond their immediate family and to show the community that a loving and lasting marriage is both desirable and possible.

Pope Paul VI wrote: “By it [the Sacrament of Matrimony] husband and wife are strengthened and…consecrated for the faithful accomplishment of their proper duties, for the carrying out of their proper vocation even to perfection, and the Christian witness which is proper to them before the whole world” (Humanae Vitae, n. 25).

Romance On a Budget

It’s Saturday night and Jim and I have a babysitter. I suppose we should check to see what movies are showing. This is the time for our weekly date. (A few years ago we realized that unless we actually scheduled time together to nurture our relationship with the same priority that we make work appointments, it too often slipped through the cracks of our busy lives.)

But wait a minute; if we pay the babysitter, we won’t have enough money left for a movie, much less the inflated costs of popcorn and pop. Even more importantly, we remind each other that our purpose for this time together is to reconnect with each other. Staring at a screen would take the focus away from each other. Sure, sometimes there are top-notch movies that have sparked some excellent conversation afterwards, but tonight, the choices were mostly horror movies, inane comedies, or low budget sex films. Oh yes, we could rent a video and play it at home where the drinks are cheap, but we already had the babysitter and were anxious to get out of the house and away from the children.

Situations like the above have prompted us to explore other kinds of “dates” and I’d like to share some of our more successful ones with you. Although our budget isn’t always this tight, I’ll focus on free or inexpensive dates since most people are pretty familiar with the traditional dinner out or going to a play.

Outside Dates:

  • Go to a local park or place of nature. Bring a blanket and a snack. In greater Cincinnati we are blessed with spots along the Ohio River. Watch the lights along the river and talk.
  • Early evening bike rides. If a bike trail is convenient, it makes the riding more pleasant and less work.
  • Twilight hikes in the woods with a good flashlight or a nature guide.
  • Watch a fall high school band competition and reminisce about your own high school days.
  • Climb a tree and talk.
  • Find an empty church. Sit, explore, pray. Light a candle for your loved ones.

Inside Dates:

  • Dress up. Go to one of the expensive downtown hotels with a nice lobby. Relax, chat, maybe have a drink and pretend that you’re registered there.
  • Go to the airport, train, or bus station. Sit where you can watch passengers arrive. Watch loved one’s reunite and mysterious people go on their way. Make up stories about the passengers you see and why they’ve come to your area. Why not add a prayer especially for those who look like the purpose of their travel might be a crisis or unhappy occasion?
  • Usher at a local theater. See some great shows for the price of a flashlight and a little extra time.
  • Go window-shopping downtown or at a mall.

Most of the above activities work best when combined with an ice cream cone, frozen yogurt, or hot mulled cider. Of course sometimes, the lack of babysitters, money, or just too many nights out already that week, make staying home the date of choice. To make at-home dates work with kids, we’ve tended to start them very late, after the younger children are in bed and the older ones are out. (We’ve rearranged our bedroom to have a place of escape if the older ones don’t take our hints about going out.) To stay awake we often give each other time for a nap earlier in the evening. Here are our favorites.

Stay at Home Dates:

  • Play Scrabble (or other board games or cards for two). This has worked best with candlelight and a special snack. Note: Be sure you are of relatively equal ability and the rules are mutually acceptable or this can backfire. Trust me, I know.
  • Late night candlelight dinner for two.
  • Anything in front of the fireplace with popcorn or wine. (Sharing topic: Each write down 5 to 10 favorite times we’ve had together over our marriage. Reminisce.)
  • Rent a classic, nostalgic video like Casablanca.
  • Roll up the rug, get some tapes of 50’s-60’s rock and roll (or your favorite pre-marriage dance style) and dance till you collapse.
  • Do a puzzle or finger paint together.
  • Backyard stargazing on a blanket.

So that one spouse doesn’t feel the full burden of initiating and being creative, we alternate responsibility for planning these dates. What creative dates have enlivened your marriage without breaking the bank?

If Opposites Attract, How Can We Get Along?

Opposites may attract but how on earth can we get along? Quite well if we understand the value in personality differences.

There is no such thing as a good or bad personality trait. Any trait, carried to the extreme may be negative, but there are positive and negative aspects to every trait. They are flip sides of the same coin.

Being a “Saver” may sound positive but what do we call someone who saves “too much?” How about: cheap or miser? And “Messy” may sound negative but if the term is applied to us, we might say we are just “relaxed” or “creative.”

Before marriage we may realize these traits complement each other. But after, the rose-colored glasses come off, the same traits we admired can cause a rub. For example, a woman might view her fiancé as “laid back” but when married, she calls him “lazy.” Same trait, new perspective!

Or, instead of putting our best foot forward, like we did when we were dating, we may each revert to our comfort zones and refuse to budge. So the sociable wife says to her loner husband, “Let’s go out.” He barks, “Leave me alone” and she wonders why the sudden change. So she starts badgering him, they argue, and soon they are polarized. When we find ourselves arguing like this we may conclude that there is something wrong with the marriage. But this is perfectly normal. There will always be tension in those areas where we are opposite. And we probably didn’t marry the wrong person either. On the contrary, we probably married exactly the right person.

So how can opposites get along?

  1. Appreciation – Why did the serious wife marry the clowning husband? Because the clowning husband helped her be playful. And she helped him be real. How do you and your spouse’s differences balance you? How about thanking them?
  2. Meet each other half way – like when you were dating. Suppose the wife is super nurturing and the husband is a strict disciplinarian. Instead of polarizing the situation, either can start being a little less extreme. For example, if the wife moderates her “spoiling,” her husband will probably not feel such a need to overcompensate; while if he eases up, she may not feel the need to “protect” her darling so much.
  3. Become a student – Wherever you are different, your weakness is your spouse’s strength. So you’ve married the perfect teacher. Try emulating them in an area where you are different. Your personality will not change, but you will become a more well-rounded person.

Just Because You’re Quiet Doesn’t Mean You’re Listening

While listening takes as much skill as talking and it’s just as big a part of communicating, it’s something most of us have not been well schooled to do. We were taught something about trying to make ourselves understood when communicating, but nothing about opening ourselves to receiving messages from others with as little judgment as possible.

Here are some “how-to’s” for listening techniques:

  • Mirror back what you’ve just heard. “So you think we should give our money away and move to Chile?” Listening to what you thought you heard may enable your partner to clarify the original message.
  • Paraphrase. “So you mean that you think we should give up what we have to help others?” Paraphrasing helps both of you figure out whether you have gotten the message straight from the original speaker.
  • Summarize. “Let’s see if I have this straight. You’re tired of working in a dead end job and you’d rather do something that is more meaningful. Is that it? Have I understood?” See if you can put together a brief summary of what you think you heard and how you understand it.

It’s impossible to respond appropriately unless you’re responding to what was said and unless you pin down the intention behind the words. This takes a lot of discipline, but it pays off when you’re able to act in a way that gives you a bit of emotional distance. Families have different ways of processing information too, so learning how to really hear your spouse may be like learning a foreign language. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. And by the way, be patient with your spouse too!

Top 10 Reasons to Communicate

10. Saves You Money
There’s no doubt about it, poor communications can be costly. Flowers, candy, gifts large and small are regularly offered by a spouse who said the “wrong thing’ or failed to say the “right thing.” When you look at costly mistakes in a marriage the majority of them are a result of poor communications.

9. Saves Time
“Yeah” “Sure” “Whatever” may seem like an efficient way of dealing with your husband or wife when they want to talk but it’s not. Sooner or later an unresolved issue must be discussed. So taking the time the first time your spouse wants to talk with you will ultimately prove to be a time saver. You won’t have to go back to the beginning and start again, because you communicated clearly and honestly the first time around.

8. Earns Points For The Future
Every time you and your spouse have a satisfying conversation you build credit toward future communication. Both of you know and expect that you will be able to share because you have a record of success.

7. It’s Good For Your Health
Good communications in marriage reduces stress for two reasons. First, it allows you to resolve the tension between you, and second, it allows you to “vent’ some of your anxieties from other areas of your life. Many couples report that their partner is the first person they could fully trust. “I can tell him anything”, one wife said recently. “I know he will listen and understand how I feel.”

6. Allows You To Concentrate On Other Things
Have you ever found yourself continuing a discussion you had earlier while you were at work? “I should have said this” you say to yourself. “Oh yeah? Well what about the time you did…” Perhaps you’re so upset about an unfinished conversation earlier in the day that you call your spouse to either apologize or get one more point across. Listening and talking effectively resolves the issue and frees your mind to concentrate on other tasks.

5. Builds Up Your Relationship
Couples who don’t communicate are in danger of losing love and affection for one another. All relationships are nourished by communications. If you don’t communicate with parents, siblings, co-workers, children, or your partner, you lose touch with them and your relationship withers.

4. You Learn More About Yourself
Have you ever tried to explain your thoughts or feelings to someone else and during the conversation you end up in a different place from where you began? Putting your thoughts into words forces you to clarify them. Talking and listening also allows you to fine tune your ideas.

3. Less Hassle
“Why won’t you talk to me?” “I know something is bothering you-what is it?” “Don’t just walk away. Talk to me. Please!”

Be honest. Avoiding communications is as much work as communicating. So why not just talk, or do you like being pursued? Does being silent give you more control over the situation? While it may seem that way, ultimately you’ll have a spouse who will trust you less. Giving your partner the gift of your time to talk things through will make your life simpler in the long run.

2. You Might Learn Something New
The person you are married to is not the person you first met. Neither are you the same. Every day brings new experiences, thoughts, dreams, plans. It’s a guarantee that if you work at communicating you will discover new things about each other.

These new discoveries stretch out in two directions from where you are now. You will discover experiences from your spouse’s childhood that you never knew. You don’t know them because the person you love has them hidden away in their memory. They don’t remember until some new experience triggers a recollection.

You see a child run into the street and your husband says, “I almost got hit by a car when I was that age.” What follows is a story of childhood excitement, parental fear, and lessons learned that come pouring out from the distant past. It might explain why he drives so slowly in areas with children, or give you insight into how he will react when your child does the same thing years from now.

1. It’s Fun!

Adapted from FOUNDATIONS Newsletter

After the Fight – Making Up

When you’ve had a falling out or feel distance between you, how do you come back together and reconcile? The following might help:

  • Ask yourself if there are unfinished issues with your parents that you have super-imposed on this issue with your partner?
  • Talk it out using the Speaker-Listener technique. (One person speaks, the other listens and then paraphrases what they heard. The speaker confirms whether the listener heard correctly. Only after the listener gets it right does the speaker go on, or the listener asks for “the floor” and shares his/her own thoughts.) Remember the rules. Don’t jump prematurely into identifying a specific solution until you’ve respectfully heard and been heard.
  • Put out the Unity Candle you used at your wedding or reception (or use another symbolic item) to signify that you’re calm enough to talk.
  • Apologize for your part. This doesn’t mean that your beloved is blameless, just that you are expressing sorrow for any way that your actions or words may have hurt your relationship, even unintentionally.
  • The Sacrament of Reconciliation can help you to forgive yourself and heal.
  • Seek professional counseling when the two of you aren’t making any headway in resolving the issue and it is infecting other parts of your marriage; you are feeling hopeless; you tend to distance rather than tackle the issue and the distance is growing; physical or verbal violence is being used (in this case, go to counseling separately).
  • In marriage, using lovemaking as a substitute for talking things out can bury the issue instead of resolving it. However, lovemaking after you have reconciled is a wonderful way to celebrate.

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, PA.

Changing Your Spouse – and Yourself

They say that when a man marries a woman, he thinks, “She’s the one I’ve been waiting for. She’ll never change.” – and she always does. And a woman looks at her man, and thinks, “He just needs a little work; after we’re married, I’ll help him change” – and he never does.

The truth is that both men and women will change as time goes on. Biologists tell us that every seven years we have totally replaced all the cells in our bodies with new ones. Our ideas, politics, interests have evolved over the years. While research shows that personality tendencies (like introversion/extroversion) remain fairly constant throughout our adult lives, we still do change. Personal change and growth can become issues in marriage because we develop at different rates. We hope our spouses will change for the better: become more patient; stop unhealthy habits; spend more time with the family; work less – or more; go to church more – or less, talk more – or less. We are all works in progress.

Change sometimes doesn’t happen fast enough to suit us. Your beloved may be oblivious to your dissatisfaction. If he or she doesn’t realize the need to change something, a loving spouse can gently ask for change. Nagging, cajoling, and arguing, however, get us nowhere and can make us even more miserable. Successful couples recognize that the only person you can change is yourself.

Enlist your spouse as your partner in self-change. When you are willing to change some behavior, tell your spouses about your plan to change and enlist their support. Energy for marital growth can be ignited in your marriages. Our spouses, no matter what personal faults or issues they may have, will appreciate our efforts (they’ve been hoping we would!).

What if your self-change strategy doesn’t light a fire under your spouse? Despite your hopes and personal improvement efforts, he or she is resistant or unable to change. This is where the most powerful – and paradoxical – tool of marital change is at your service: Acceptance. When spouses show each other love and acceptance they respond more quickly to each other’s changes.

Be ready to support any effort your spouse makes towards change, no matter how tentative or incomplete that effort is. If he or she discloses a desire to change, be ready to help and not hinder the process. It may be that professional help is in order, but your role as helpmate is indispensable. You are the one who loves your spouse the most.

About the author
Lauri Przybysz is the Coordinator of Marriage & Family Enrichment for the Archdiocese of Baltimore.

Four Elements of Conflict Resolution

Having a successful marriage means learning some skills that differ from the skills you need for most other pieces of life. You are in the business of building, maintaining, and protecting a relationship. In many instances in our lives, we are protecting our own interests. In marriage, we sometimes have to put aside what might be our first choice in order to keep the relationship in good health.

1. Know the distinction between difference and disagreements.

You can differ with your spouse without having a disagreement. You can vote for different presidential candidates, prefer different restaurants, or have different favorite movies. These differences do not necessarily impact your relationship, because you can act on your own to satisfy your preference. But if you differ about whether to live on the East or West coast; or if you differ over whether or not to buy a house, then it is hard to go forward without resolving that difference.

2. Differences become disagreements when space is limited.

Since in marriage you join your lives and commit to staying together, then your choices of some basic issues become matters for joint decision-making. Not only is your physical space limited, but your psychic space is limited, too. How do you feel about having company on Saturday evening? How do you feel about cleaning up the house Saturday afternoon in order to have it ready for company Saturday evening? It’s “our” decision, it’s “our” company, and it’s “our” space to make ready. We may have different needs for socializing, different desires for time use and different standards for tidiness, all of which have to be negotiated for this one event.

3. When disagreements heat up, they become conflicts.

There is a bodily reaction that happens when you are in a conflict. Your pulse rises, your breathing speeds up, and you often get sweaty palms. Your body is sending adrenalin into your system, because it believes you are in danger. It is preparing you to fight.

This reaction happens faster in some people than others, but whenever it happens, it drives the ability to come to a reasonable solution right out of the picture. The fight instinct drives away the learned response to compromise every time. When you’re ready to fight you cannot feel your love for your partner; therefore, the conflict takes place in a dangerous zone, without the caring that normally characterizes your interactions with one another.

At this point you must make a choice. Either you can resolve the conflict and come back together feeling good about each other and your relationship, or you can come away feeling embattled and resentful, and it will make your relationship more difficult, at least for a while.

4. Conflicts are resolved more easily when you can cool off first.

Making the choice to back away from a fight until you can talk calmly – while taking a huge amount of discipline – can reap big benefits for your relationship. The only way to win an argument in a marriage is for both partners to come away feeling that they were heard and respected.

Helpful books:

  • The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
  • The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way, Gary Chapman
  • You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship Into a Compassionate, Loving One, Steven Stosny
  • Love and Anger in Marriage, David Mace

They Said It Wouldn’t Last

There have been many ups and downs throughout my marriage of 19 years. Some folks said my husband and I wouldn’t last six months; we were so different! I like things in order and I take commitments seriously. Spouse, on the other hand, is laid back, even catch-as-catch-can on occasion.

At times I wanted to disappear and not look back. I am sure my husband felt the same way.

Then it hit me one day: Our marriage is not about how we make each other feel. Our marriage is about keeping our vow to love and honor each other even in the midst of problems, and in doing so, imitating the faithfulness of God to his unfaithful people.

Such an imitation of God’s faithfulness gives God glory, a minister friend assured us. It is why every single human being on earth exists — to give our Creator glory, and to trust God’s promises of eternal life with him in paradise for those who do not grow weary in doing good.

At first I could not see how washing dishes I did not dirty or paying more than my share of bills gave God glory.

I sought counseling, talked to long-married couples and read everything I could get my hands on that encouraged me as a wife. Then I asked myself: What was more important — prevailing when in conflict or my husband’s well-being physically and spiritually?

The answer became apparent to me one night when I found him fast asleep in front of the TV, the TV remote practically welded to his hand, his slumped shoulders free of the weight of the world.

Thinking that my being in his life could impact his eternal destiny was very sobering. Far be it from me, I thought, to be the reason he hated or did not forgive. We loved each other and needed to work harder at not allowing issues to blind us to this fact.

So I washed those dishes I didn’t dirty, for a clean home was important to me. And I paid bills we both had entered into without waiting for him to sometimes, for that too was a matter of honor and I had been blessed with the means to do so.

I draw comfort too from two Scripture verses: “All have sinned and are deprived of the glory of God. They are justified freely by his grace through the redemption in Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23-24). They remind me that while I am married to someone who, like me, is at war with a human nature bent away from God, we are not alone; God is with us — and in us! — to help us make the right choices in life.

What an awesome duty it is, then, to be entrusted with the fuller knowledge of another’s struggle, to be the voice that cries out to God on that person’s behalf.

What a privilege to imitate Christ who both demands and freely offers unending faithfulness!