Tag Archives: Enriching Your Marriage

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict resolution is really a subset of communication, but for most couples, communication does not become problematic until there is a disagreement. Even though conflict may be rooted in poor listening skills, lack of affirmation, or clumsy expression of feelings, it deserves special attention because this is where couples most hurt.

Some couples resolve conflicts easily because they have easy- going personalities. Others have had good modeling from their family of origin. But at some point all couples face an issue, a disagreement, a fight that challenges their calm and their skills. It’s connected with the reality that our lives are connected.

When two people share living space, habits, dreams, and often children, there are bound to be times that they think differently and have different opinions on how to handle a situation. If this doesn’t ever occur, it is likely that one partner is avoiding a confrontation, submerging his/her identity, or always giving in. None of these is healthy for marriage over the long haul.

For Further Reading:

Common Values

My husband and I have been married 35 years and have led marriage preparation programs for 30 of those years. We estimate that over that time we’ve prepared over 5,000 couples for marriage. I’m not sure if that makes us experts or outdated and, therefore, irrelevant. I can tell you the obvious – that times have changed and we have changed.

Early in my career, when I taught high school or college students about marriage, I’d say that communication was the key in choosing a mate and keeping a marriage healthy. I’ve changed my mind.

Good communication is not enough

Yes, good communication is essential to a thriving marriage, BUT, it is not sufficient and probably not the most important criteria for choosing a mate. I say this because in my counseling I repeatedly came across couples who had learned the right communication skills and could use them. They knew how to use “I statements,” listen to the whole person, and use active listening. They were often fine, caring men and women, but they had serious difficulty living together happily- not at the beginning, but after several years.

The bottom line often came down to either very different personalities or very different values. The other significant variable was the inability of at least one partner to make a lasting commitment.

Personalities cannot easily be changed, so it’s a red flag when dating couples have very different personalities. Complementary personalities, however, can also be an advantage. For example, she’s a talker, he’s a listener; or he’s a detail person, she sees the big picture. Often people with different personalities can work out accommodations as long as the difference is not too extreme or on too many different fronts. I tell my students that it’s fine to differ on one or two elements of the Myers- Briggs Type Indicator, but if you differ on three or four and the differences are great, you’ll probably have a lot of stress in your marriage.

Common values, however, can be a deal breaker. If one spouse values a simple lifestyle and the other values accumulating wealth, it doesn’t matter how well they communicate, their basic life orientation will present constant opportunities for conflict. If one spouse values faith and the other resents religion, conflict is inevitable. This doesn’t mean that both spouses have to have the same religion, but both must value a spiritual dimension of life.

Another important common value is one’s attitude towards having children. One partner may really want children and feels marriage would not be complete without a child, while the other is ambivalent or, worse, thinks children would impinge upon their lifestyle. Good communication can only clarify this difference, not solve it.

Likewise, if one spouse believes that career is the top priority and the other puts family first, the argument will be eternal- either by outward criticism and fighting or by going underground with general dissatisfaction or depression. Whether one spouse should stay home with young children is a subcategory of this issue.

Different beliefs about respect for human life and other moral values are deeply rooted. Getting new information and talking through differences usually only lead spouses to realize that they have vastly different life goals and values. These will not change without violating one’s integrity and conscience.

Yes, communication is vital, and if couples don’t have good communication skills, learning them can be a marriage saver. But if the values are significantly different, it’s unlikely that even the best communication will be enough.

Is it too late?

This is fine, you may say, for engaged couples who have not yet made a marriage commitment, but what about us married couples? Is it too late? Can value differences be fixed or changed? The answer is that prevention is always preferable but seldom is a situation hopeless. A lot depends on the severity of differences and whether there are compromises that both spouses can tolerate.

I would never want a spouse to violate his/her conscience in order to please a mate, but sometimes one spouse may be too scrupulous. Over time they may learn that not everything is black and white. On the other hand, a spouse who rationalizes away ethical decisions, saying they are unimportant, may, with commitment and effort, develop a more sensitive conscience. It’s not easy, though, since these are life long behavioral patterns.

Sometimes a couple can agree to disagree on a few values and live their lives in different spheres. For example, one night a week she goes to a prayer group and he plays his favorite sport. He supports her and does not interfere with her Sunday worship, even though he doesn’t find it important for himself.

Most serious value differences require counseling. That’s the bottom line.

Try a short exercise to determine how close you and your spouse are on basic marriage values.

COMMON VALUES ASSESSMENT

Circle the values that are most important to you. Consider that some values may initially appeal to you but upon deeper reflection (the statement that follows each value) you realize that you don’t always hold them as a priority. Then rank them in importance from 1-14. Discuss with your fiancé(e) or spouse.

1. Honesty. Yes, but sometimes it’s OK to fudge.

2. Commitment. Sure, but some commitments are just too hard to keep.

3. Fidelity. I don’t plan on having an affair but who knows the future.

4. Loyalty. It might be necessary to violate a loyalty if another’s safety is at risk.

5. Devotion to parents. Parents are important, but spouse comes first.

6. Generosity. I’ll give, but only after I’ve taken care of myself.

7. Peacemaking. Sometimes evil needs to be confronted, even with violence.

8. Living simply. I work hard for my money. Why can’t I enjoy its rewards?

9. Kindness. Some people are too kind and others take advantage of them.

10. Self-control. I believe in being flexible and spontaneous, not being uptight.

11. Education. Education is over-rated. I wouldn’t sacrifice current wants for it.

12. Sacrifice. Suffering and delayed gratification have no use and are to be avoided.

13. Friendship. Friends are nice, but family and spouse are more important.

14. Children. I value my freedom more.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Commitment

Commitment is not a very “sexy” word or concept but it probably has more to do with making marriages work than anything save common values. It’s not just about saying marriage vows or having a piece of paper that says “marriage license.” Commitment is important because we act differently when we know that our futures are tied together. You may avoid a prickly conversation if you know the other person will not be around forever. You may move on to another love if your current one has a debilitating accident or simply starts to rub you the wrong way. Commitment means you’ve promised to stay and work it through, not just today but forever.

Commitment is a choice to give up choices. Although this might at first sound limiting, it actually brings great freedom and depth. No longer does the committed person need to weigh which person or way of life will bring more happiness. Once committed, all one’s energy goes into making this commitment work. No longer are other possibilities a distraction. The two major stages of commitment are making the initial commitment and keeping the commitment.

1. Making the initial commitment

Much of the research on how commitment impacts marital happiness has centered on making the initial commitment. Usually social scientists have compared couples who cohabit before marriage with those who have not. The presumption is that cohabiting couples have not yet made a firm and final commitment to be with this partner “till death do us part” or else they would indeed be married. This tentative or partial commitment makes all the difference to their future marriage.

According to marriage researcher Dr. Scott Stanley, those who cohabit prior to engagement score worse after marriage on virtually everything measured than those who wait until marriage or wait until after engagement. This includes:

  • Psychological aggression
  • Negative interaction (conflict)
  • Confidence in their relationship
  • Marital satisfaction
  • Dedication to each other

This risk might be partly explained by the lack of clarity and mutuality of commitment at the time cohabitation begins. The nature of cohabitation presumes the possibility of the relationship not working out (and thus the commitment not being permanent). If the couple later marries, it can be more of a “sliding into marriage” than a “deciding to marry.” As a decision to marry becomes less distinct but more of a gradual slide toward marriage, it blurs the clarity of the commitment.

Stanley hypothesizes that regardless of income, race, and culture, sliding will be associated with more risk than deciding. Deciding will be universally associated with lower risk because of the mutual clarity and resulting follow through. In addition, the research shows that women are at a greater disadvantage if they move from a cohabiting relationship to marriage. With these couples, husbands have less dedication to their wives than the wives have to their husbands. (Kline, Stanley, and Markman, in press)

2. Keeping the commitment

“Till death do us part” can sound so romantic – but it can also sound deadly. Regardless of whether one marries in a secular or religious ceremony most couples still believe that they are making a permanent commitment. Of course we all know that the divorce rate is between 40 – 50%, but most couples who marry don’t think it will happen to them.

What happens between the solemn pronouncement of wedding vows and the decision to divorce? This is not a “one size fits all” situation. Certainly some couples made the decision to marry too young, too impetuously, too naively. Others were not psychologically mature enough to “forsake all others” or had other character flaws that were overlooked or not evident during courtship. Still others just got bored or tired of trying to make it work. Still others earnestly worked and gave their all to the marriage but their partner decided he or she wanted out. One can’t be married to an absent spouse.

Some spouses have no choice but to leave for their own safety or because their spouse won’t work on the marriage. But research (Waite and Gallagher, 2000) shows that many marriages could be revived if the commitment is strong. Waite and Gallagher surveyed a large national sample of unhappily married couples and found that after five years, three fifths of the formerly unhappy couples reported that they were very happy or quite happy. Sometimes it is simply the commitment to each other that carries a couple through the harder times, along with generous doses of time, counseling, effort, luck, and faith.

The Marriage Encounter movement has a motto: Love is a decision. It reminds couples that as wonderful as the feeling of love is, it is not sufficient for a marriage. At some point (actually many points) husband and wife need to decide to love – even when they don’t feel like it. Acting on this decision by doing loving things for your spouse, speaking kindly and respectfully, and deciding over and over to pay attention to the relationship makes love rekindle.

Couples who understand the essence of making a permanent commitment realize that it’s much more than just a decision not to divorce. It’s a commitment to do the daily work of keeping the commitment alive. It may mean turning off the TV or taking a nightly walk in order to listen to each other’s concerns. These simple actions, and many more, are the stuff of commitment. They are the actions that keep a marriage vibrant, interesting, and exciting so that temptations to make another choice don’t erupt. Although marriage as a permanent commitment is not restricted to people of faith, Christians might reflect on the scripture to, “take up your cross every day and follow me.” (Luke 9:23) Every day we recommit to follow our beloved and vice-versa.

For Further Reading:

Later Years

The later years includes the blissful “empty-nest” season of a marriage that can feel like a second honeymoon. Many couples welcome their new freedom, while others have a hard time letting go. Sometimes a couple who happily thought they were in the empty-nest stage are faced with a boomerang young adult who again needs their care, presence, home, and perhaps babysitting services. The later years can also bring major health issues and the gradual loss of abilities.

Couples who marry later in life enter the later years of their lives but it’s the early years of their marriage. Men and women who marry after a divorce and declaration of nullity, or death of a spouse, or after waiting for the right person, experience in their later years some of the same adjustments of young marrieds.

Issues of diminishing health, grief over peers dying, and significant blocks of togetherness time are common. Thus, the wife who married her husband “for better or for worse, but not for lunch together!” becomes a poignant cliché.

How do couples re-negotiate their relationship to take into account their new freedom, increased time together, possibly decreased income, and fading health and energy? Some do it with grace because over the years they’ve learned the marital dance of flexibility and tolerance. Some complain a lot – about life, about each other, about the weather.

Some may want to complain but know that’s not very endearing. Yet they struggle with letting go of the old patterns and roles of their life together. For these couples, the desire to let go with grace may be enough motivation to:

  • Attend a marriage enrichment program geared especially to older couples
  • Explore new hobbies and interests together
  • Volunteer with their church, community, or other good causes that would benefit from their experience
  • Deepen their spirituality to help them deal with the losses and limitations of later life
  • Forgive others’ faults and drop long-held grudges

For Further Reading:

Personality Audit

As you enter into and deepen any healthy, intimate relationship, you need to know yourself. One important aspect of identity is your personality, which develops unconsciously and can be shaped by your upbringing and environment. How do you handle conflict? In which social situations do you feel most comfortable? Which virtues come most easily to you, and which vices do you have to fight hardest against? How do you prefer to tackle big projects, household chores, and daily tasks?

Engagement is a great time to know yourself – and your future spouse – better! As you move toward marriage, consider taking this Personality Audit. Print two copies and ask your fiance(e) to take it, too.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Family of Origin

The term “Family of Origin” refers to the family that you grew up in – your parents and siblings. It may also include a grandparent, other relative, or divorced parents who lived with you during part of your childhood. These people strongly influence who we become.

Men and women who grew up in relatively healthy, functional families make adjustments in a marriage relationship. They learn to accommodate each other. At times you may smile (or cringe) when your spouse has a different way of doing something, i.e. the wrong way. You might complain, but then adjust.

For example, perhaps your mother was a fanatic about keeping a clean, neat house. You might swear that you’ll never be a slave to such a compulsion. But then you notice that your spouse is a “relaxed” housekeeper and the clutter he or she finds tolerable is starting to get on your nerves. You find comfort in returning to your own “relatively organized” space.

In marriage, of course, there are a million of these differences, many minor, some big. You can and will argue about some of them, insisting that your way is the right way. It helps to take a breath and remember that unless the health department is threatening to evict you for health/safety violations, probably neither of you is completely wrong. There is room for compromise.

If your family of origin had serious problems such as alcoholism, abuse, infidelity, or mental illness, the unlearning and relearning can be more complicated. Adult awareness will help you not to repeat negative patterns modeled during the formative years. Once you become aware of the patterns of your family of origin, you can change them. It’s not easy, but individual and couple counseling can free a spouse from repeating destructive behaviors.

Be sure to exercise caution if either of you comes from a family with divorced parents. Many couples, observing the heartache caused by their parents’ break-up, resolve to do everything possible to avoid divorce. Since commitment is a strong predictor of marital success, this is an important strength. On the other hand, since the child of divorce may not have witnessed healthy conflict resolution or values in the family of origin, there may be underlying skill or attitude gaps.

Take the time to explore what you learned about life, love, and conflict in your family of origin so that you can understand how this influences your current relationship – for better and for worse.

Questions for Discussion:

  • What aspects of your parents’ relationship do you admire? What aspects do you hope not to imitate? Note: For couples with experience of divorce in one or both families of origin, you may want to read the Must Have Conversations: Commitment page to explore potential effects of your parents’ divorce on your future marriage.
  • How did your family communicate? How did you resolve conflicts? How did you make decisions? Are there communication patterns that you hope either to follow or to change in your own family?
  • What was your family of origin’s approach to money and finances?
  • What are some family traditions that you value and hope to bring into your future family? Have you discussed initial ideas about how, and with whom, you will celebrate holiday times such as Thanksgiving and Christmas?
  • Did your family spend time together? What pastimes or recreational activities did they enjoy? Are these experiences you hope to have in your family one day?
  • What role did faith play in your family life?
  • What role did technology and media play in your family?
  • Do you have any concerns about becoming a member of your significant other’s family when you marry? Have you discussed appropriate boundaries to have with your future in-laws, for example communication pathways, what to do if a conflict arises, and how to decide when and how often to visit each other’s family?

Further Reading from For Your Marriage:

Encouragement and Enrichment

Good marriages can always be made better! Pope Francis described marriage as “a project to be worked on together” and a “process of growth” (Amoris Laetitia, no. 218, 221). The Church provides many opportunities for spouses to deepen and refine their love for each other. The organizations listed below are dedicated to creating time and space for marriages to grow, and for helping parents raise their children well. Make your marriage a priority by seeking out enrichment opportunities together.

If your marriage has hit some serious difficulties, there are people who can help. Visit this page.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

Table of Contents

Faith Based Marriage Enrichment

10 Great Dates® To Energize Your Marriage
For all who have used 10 Great Dates® over the years, here’s some good news! This award-winning, easy-to-do, fun, broad, bible- and skill-based marriage education program disguised as 10 fun dates is now updated complete with a new expanded edition of the book with the latest research and input from millennium couples. Plus new cutting edge multi-media presentations make launching the dates easy and fun. Even presenter notes are included! Take advantage of the current date night phenomenon and offer 10 Great Dates in your parish and community. Couples come for a short 30-minute date launch; tear out the duplicate dating exercises in their book, and head out for their date. They go home more connected and more in love. Do this 10 times and you will be the hero to the couples in your parish.

Contact: 865-690-5887 or Arps@marriagealive.com

10 Great Dates: Connecting Faith, Love & Marriage
At last, a fun, easy way to help couples connect spiritually that they both will enjoy! 10 Great Dates: Connecting Faith, Love & Marriage combines the proven format of 10 Great Dates® with 10 dates that are each based on a spiritual theme, including Appreciating Your Differences, Experiencing God Together, Facing the Storms of Life and Connecting Through Prayer. Run this program as the traditional 10 Great Dates by having a short date launch and sending couples out on their date or it can also be used as a small group study utilizing the free Leader’s Guide available at www.10GreatDates.org. Before publishing this book, it was piloted in a number of Catholic churches and is crafted to work well in a Catholic setting.

Contact: 865-690-5887 or Arps@marriagealive.com

Annunciation Ministries
Annunciation ministries’ mission is to strengthen the vocation of marriage through consultation, training, events, and resources for dioceses, parishes, and married couples.

The Alexander House: Covenant of Love Ministry
The internationally recognized Covenant of Love ministry programs can help to build a thriving parish community by building and supporting strong, joyful, and lasting marriages focused on God’s plan for marriage.

Contact: Greg Alexander at 210-858-6195 or greg@thealexanderhouse.org

The BEATITUDES: A Couple’s Path to Greater Joy
This marriage enrichment program explores the Beatitudes as a path to holiness in Christian marriage. The program is based on John Bosio’s book, Blessed is Marriage: a Guide to the Beatitudes of Catholic Couples. The program, which contains six videos, handouts for participants, opening prayers, and a coordinator’s guide, is very versatile. It can be used in date nights programs, small discussion groups, or in couples’ retreats.

Contact: 615-758-9694 or jbosio1@aol.com

BELOVED: Finding Happiness in Marriage – Home Edition
Beloved is a video-based enrichment program by the Augustine Institute that explores the true meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage. In six sessions, you’ll discover the deepest spiritual, emotional, and practical realities of what your marriage can and should be. Through an exploration of Scripture, Tradition, and Church teaching, God’s plan for your marriage will come alive. You’ll see firsthand the wonder, mystery, and joy behind that first “I do”—whether you said it last year or many years ago.

Beloved sessions are presented on a 6-DVD set, and kits come complete with Couple’s and Leader’s Guides – everything you need to experience the full power of Beloved for marriage enrichment.

Contact Colleen at (866) 767-3155
Watch the trailer for Beloved: Finding Happiness in Marriage

The Cana Institute
Cana Institute guides couples toward vibrant marriages by helping them understand the dynamics between the spiritual and problem-solving components of marriage.

Contact: Bridget Brennan, MA, MA, President and Jerome Shen, PhD at 314-313-0613
or joy@canainstitute.org

Catholic Couple Checkup
Catholic Couple Checkup is an online relationship assessment (powered by PREPARE/ENRICH) that couples can take without the help of a facilitator or counselor. Tailored to each couple and the Catholic faith, the computer-generated report helps couples discover their strength and growth areas across several relationship categories such as communication, conflict resolution, roles, financial management, personality and more. Couples can bring their results to a priest, marriage mentors, or marriage enrichment group to work through their results, or download the PDF Discussion Guide to unpack the results and build relationship skills on their own.

Contact: 800-331-1661

Charis Ministries
Founded in 2000, Charis Ministries reaches those in their 20’s and 30’s throughout the country, nurturing their faith through retreats based in Ignatian Spirituality. Charis’ Christ Alive in Our Marriage retreat invites couples in their first five years of marriage to reflect on how Christ is alive in their marriages, and how they are called to make Christ Alive in our world. Visit the website for more information on the retreat, and to find a schedule of upcoming retreats.

Christian Family Movement
This network of families supports each other in living their faith in daily life at home, in the workplace, and in their communities. In the U.S. and international. English and Spanish.

Contact: 800-581-9824 or office@cfm.org

Colorado Marriage Refresh
The Colorado Marriage Refresh is a Christian marriage retreat aimed at “reducing the divorce rate one marriage at a time.” It is developed by psychologist Dr. Wyatt Fisher and his wife Alia. The seminar offers a unique blend of Scripture, marriage research, clinical experience, and personal testimony on the peaks and valleys from their own marital journey. For couples wanting to laugh as well as cry and breathe new life back into their relationship, this conference is for you!

Contact: info@christiancrush.com

The Couple Prayer Series
A six-week series to help married and engaged couples develop closer relationships with God and each other as they learn to pray in safe, close and comfortable ways.

Contact: coupleprayer@gmail.com

The Covenant Experience
The Covenant Experience is an innovative parish program presented by lay couples and parish staff to enhance a Catholic couple’s appreciation of their sacrament of Matrimony. English and Spanish.

Contact: 305-253-2036

Discovering Our Deepest Desire
“Discovering Our Deepest Desire” (DODD) is a 12 week marriage enrichment program that can be taught by instructors or facilitated by lay leaders using the video series provided. Utilizing a therapeutic model for change, this curriculum systematically walks a couple through skills and knowledge for changing unhealthy patterns in their relationship, as well as connecting the information to elements from St. Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body teaching. Helping couple to divorce proof their marriage, couples learn 7 steps to strengthening their marriage and to ultimately build a Eucharistic Marriage. The DODD program engages couples through the use of Q&A, Scripture and Catechism readings, activities, as well as homework in each session.

Contact: Greg Schutte at 1-937-262-7010 or gschutte@ourdeepestdesire.com

Domestic Church Movement
Domestic Church is the family branch of the Light-Life Movement, founded in Poland by Servant of God, Fr. Franciszeck Blachnicki with the guidance, support, and influence of his bishop, Karol Wojtyla (Pope Saint John Paul II). The movement provides long term formation for couples looking to grow in holiness together. After attending an initial retreat, couples meet in groups to share their joys and sorrows, pray together, and go over their progress in their spiritual lives.

Contact: 337-764-1562 or domesticchurchfamilies@gmail.com

Fight Less, Love More Couples Course
Bestselling author, Harvard lawyer and couples mediator Laurie Puhn and Family Dynamics Institute have brought you this empowering course based on the bestselling book Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In. This step-by-step course is the perfect way to enrich your marriage at any stage.

In each of the nine one-hour classes, you will experience the benefit of using the 5-Minute Conversations to avoid and reduce conflict, increase appreciation, intimacy and respect, give a perfect apology and create a personalized daily communication routine that will help you grow stronger and closer in your marriage.

There is also an online version of the course that takes place in a virtual classroom, which allows couples and the course leader to interact. Visit www.fightlesslovemore.com for more information and class dates.

Contact: 800-650-9995 or kmayfield@familydynamics.net

The Foundational Intimacy: Eucharist as the Model for Marriage
Available as an overnight retreat and in a day-long format, this skills-based workshop offers practical information and time for prayer and reflection.

Contact: 320-255-9035 or jimotremba@gmail.com

For Your Military Marriage
ForYourMilitaryMarriage.com, is an initiative of Worldwide Marriage Encounter to enrich, affirm and encourage military married couples in their relationships and families, and to offer the resources and support of an online network of Catholic military married couples for every age and every stage of married life.

The Hitch Fix Seminar
You invest in your business, your home, and your retirement…but what about your marriage? The Hitch Fix Seminar, offered by Millennials for Marriage, is an engaging couples experience that is designed to identify areas of relational struggles and provide strategic communication and intentional dialogue to strengthen them.

If you are interested in hosting The Hitch Fix at your parish, use this contact form.

Holy Catholic Marriage
Grow your marriage in true intimacy by listening to our weekly marriage Podcasts based on each Sunday’s Scriptural Readings. Great for marriage preparation or for those who have been married decades and still desire more from their marriages. Grow closer to your spouse each week as you listen, share and implement ways of loving each other as Jesus intended for your sacramental marriage. Week after week and month after month, begin to renew your marriage by listening, understanding and loving each other as you hoped to be loved on your wedding day.

Hope Springs Florida
A nonprofit organization that helps families with a child with special needs re-energize and restore healthy relationships. HSF offers more than a vacation respite home for those with autism; it offers hope to working class families in a seaside environment by handling all the details necessary for a relaxing vacation. This includes airport and ground transportation, dietary and sensory need accommodation, and preferred access to recreational activities near historic Saint Augustine, FL. HSF is founded on the principle of hope, as expressed by Pope Francis: “When there is no human hope, there is that hope that carries us forward, humble, simple—but it gives a joy, at times a great joy, at times only of peace, but the security that hope does not disappoint: hope doesn’t disappoint.”

For more information, contact Joe Rodgers at 614-886-5510 or rodgers_2244@hotmail.com.

Living in Love
A parish-based retreat workshop for newlyweds and young married couples that presents insights from Theology of the Body through the witness of other young couples. A followup program, Living in Love Every Day, teaches Theology of the Body life skills to married couples as an extension of the Living in Love retreat workshop and/or a mentor training course for Preparing to Live in Love.

Contact: 877-201-2142 or PMRCusa@msn.com

Marriage Enrichment, Inc
Non-profit, non-denominational, and nationwide, Christian Marriage Workshops build positive communication skills in marriage and family relationships through private and small group activities.

Contact: 800-72-N-RICH or info@marriageenrichment.org

Marriage Enrichment Program
This parish-based ministry for couples includes three programs: The Marriage Enrichment Weekend, the Retreat, and Engaged Enrichment. Archdiocese of Santa Fe. English and Spanish.

Contact: 505-831-8117 or mewinfo@yahoo.com

The Marriage in Christ Seminar
This parish-based ministry focuses on three key elements: friendship with God, friendship with one’s spouse, and invoking the power of the Holy Spirit.. The seminar includes one two-hour session per week for five weeks.

Contact: 651-789-2888 ext. 113 or info@marriageinchrist.com

Marriage Savers and Community Marriage Covenants
Clergy in over 150 cities have collaborated to develop Community Marriage Policies that call for rigorous marriage preparation and training Mentor Couples to help couples prepare for and strengthen their marriages.

Contact: 301-978-7108

Mass Impact
Having encountered Jesus Christ, a disciple is not marked by mere conviction, but by commitment. We are not about another program, but a way of life in Jesus Christ. We are about personal, family and parish transformation overflowing to the world. We are awakening families to their extraordinary life in Jesus Christ within their ordinary world. And it’s making a difference. Of those engaged with Mass Impact: 95% increased in talking and praying in their homes, 91% increased commitment to their parish communities, 86% increased in inviting others to participate in parish life.

Contact: ALIVE@MassImpact.us or (814) 449-9922

Ministry to the Newly Married
A parish-based mentoring program for newlywed couples offered by Agape Catholic Ministries. This five-year program pairs new married couples with couples married at least five years, with the goal of fostering the new couple’s relationship skills and broadening their understanding of each other and living out the Sacrament of Marriage.

Contact: 800-208-1364 or info@agapecatholicministries.com

More2Life Radio with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak
Airing on over 300 stations across the US on EWTN Radio and on SiriusXM130 (and both live online & podcast at avemariaradio.net), More2Life is a call-in advice program that applies insights from Blessed Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and cutting-edge psychology to problems of daily living. In addition to callers, we feature a regular slate of guest experts.

Call in Monday-Friday from 10-11am E (9am-10am C) at 877-573-7825 to ask Dr. Greg and Lisa your questions.

National Marriage Encounter
National Marriage Encounter (NME) promotes and encourages marriage and family life by offering Marriage Encounter weekends and a support community. It is open to couples of all faiths and those of no religious affiliation.

Jeannette and Kent Babcock, National Marriage Encounter Business Administrators: 515-278-8458, bus-admin@marriage-encounter.org

ProSAAM: Program for Strong African American Marriages
ProSAAM is a marriage education curriculum designed to help African American couples have strong and healthy relationships. It incorporates major aspects of PREP plus a thoughtful and innovative use of prayer. In addition to the spiritual emphasis, the program includes materials and activities that recognize how institutional and implicit racism affects the success of African American marriages.

REFOCCUS
Now is the time to strengthen your marriage! Whether you’ve been married two, 25 or 50 years, the REFOCCUS marriage inventory is designed for you. Simply take the inventory, compare your responses, and let us help you dive into a better future with your spouse! This powerful tool is now easily accessible online at foccusinc.com. Available in English and Spanish, REFOCCUS can be used on your own or with a REFOCCUS facilitator.

Contact the FOCCUS team at 877-883-5422 to order REFOCCUS today!

SmartLoving BreakThrough
It’s easy to get discouraged by our disconnection. Arguments over petty incidents, too busy to romance each other, crowded with other responsibilities. We all go through these periods that we need a breakthrough in our relationship.SmartLoving BreakThrough is a practical, solution-focused course for all stages of marriage. Drawing on contemporary research and Catholic theology, this course will arm you with skills and insights to transform your relationship into the thriving, joy-filled encounter it’s meant to be.

SmartLoving Marriage Kit
The Marriage Kit offers a refreshing look into what it takes to build a healthy and happy relationship. Delivered online and with video presentations guiding couples through the course, it offers practical strategies, insights and a dash of humor to help revitalize and strengthen marriages.

The Second Half of Marriage
This small group resource is designed to help couples renew and re-energize their marriage for the empty nest years. For empty nesters and those whose nest may have refilled or never emptied, this resource will help couples renew their love, reinvent their marriage and make the rest the best. Based on the award-winning book The Second Half of Marriage, this video-based curriculum was filmed at Our Saviour’s Catholic Church in Cocoa Beach, FL. It is easy to lead and is great for small groups and retreats. The Second Half of Marriage curriculum includes 8 video sessions, Leader’s Guide and Participant’s book.

Contact: 865-690-5887 or Arps@marriagealive.com

SIX DATES for Catholic Couples
This easy-to-use program is a marriage-building resource for parishes. It includes six videos, handouts, a Program Coordinator’s Guide, and the book Happy Together, the Catholic Blueprint for a Loving Marriage, by John Bosio.

Contact: 615-758-9694 or jbosio1@aol.com

Teams of Our Lady
We are a movement of “Married Spirituality” which brings together Christian couples united by the Sacrament of Marriage; and who wish, together, to deepen the graces of their Sacrament of Marriage.

Contact: 774-201-9827 or info@teamsofourlady.org

Thriving Families
Thriving Marriages teaches couples how to build unity, grow in resilience and intimacy, and overcome most marital crises. It is offered on three different 3-hour sessions mostly at local churches (California). Thriving Marriages Program, Book/CD’s are available in English & Spanish.

Contact: 949-851-1572 or Claire@ThrivingFamilies.com

Together in Holiness
Together in Holiness is a marriage conference series for dioceses that inspires spouses to grow together in holiness and empowers parents to form their children in the Catholic faith. Each conference brings to life a theme on marriage and family life from the teachings of St. John Paul II. The annual conferences include insightful and practical presentations for spouses, as well as Mass, Eucharistic Adoration, and the Sacrament of Reconciliation. As an initiative of the St. John Paul II Foundation, Together in Holiness conferences are offered in collaboration with dioceses and host parishes.

Contact: TH@forlifeandfamily.org

The VIRTUES: A Program for Couples
A marriage enrichment program that uses a variety of media to share a positive message about marriage and help couples master the good habits we call cardinal virtues: prudence, justice, temperance and fortitude. Developed by the creators of SIX DATES for Catholic Couples and The BEATITUDES: A Couple’s Path to Greater Joy.

Contact: 615-758-9694 or jbosio1@aol.com

United in Love – United in Christ
United will explore God’s plan and promise for spouses. The content will turn to the Church’s rich teaching on love and marriage as well as draw on personal stories from couples who are striving to build their lives in Christ. It creatively offers opportunities to reflect, learn, grow, communicate and experience a deepening in faith. United provides practical steps in building upon what Saint John Paul II taught to be the “Infallible” and “Indispensable” way to a truly united and faithful love!
The Parish Kit comes with 10 Couple’s Guides, United DVDs, Leader’s Guide, Leader’s Guide DVD, Parish Guide, and Parish Guide DVD.

To learn more about this new Parish Based or in home marriage enrichment program contact Jason Angelette at (504) 830-3716, jangelette@willwoods.org or visit www.FaithandMarriage.org.

A Worldwide Marriage Encounter
WWME is a weekend experience that teaches a technique of loving communication to promote intimate and responsible relationships and offers community support for the sacramental lifestyle modeled by the presenters. Offered in English, Spanish and Korean. Videos available here.

Contact: 563-608-3305 or jljwwme08@gmail.com

For Further Reading:

 

Faith Based Resources for Parenting

EnCourage
A ministry within the Courage apostolate dedicated to the spiritual needs of parents, siblings, children and other relatives and friends of persons who have same-sex attractions. Standing by the true teachings of the Roman Catholic Church, EnCourage members support one another and their loved ones through discussion, prayer and fellowship. Visit the EnCourage website to learn more and to find a local chapter: https://couragerc.org/encourage/

Family Honor
Established in 1988, Family Honor provides and promotes a family-centered, Catholic approach to chastity education through our programs, online course and other parent resources. Working through parishes and dioceses, our professionally-prepared presenters provide unique opportunities for parents to come with their son or daughter to one of our three in-person programs (Leading & Loving; Changes & Challenges; Real Love & Real Life) and experience it together. Our course, The Truth and Meaning of Sexuality, Love & Family, is available for continuing education via a flexible online format. Resources can be ordered from our online store.

Contact: 803.929.0858 or famhonor@aol.com

Families of Character
Families of Character is an on-line, discussion based course that develops character through virtues. Established in 2009, Families of Character (FOC) is a nonprofit organization committed to providing parents with the tools to live virtues, impart virtues to their children, and reverse the breakdown of families by helping to create happier, more unified families. Comprehensively focusing on one virtue at a time the course has created on-line videos, self-assessments tools, guided practice and goal tracking.

Contact: 303-773-0600 or info@familiesofcharacter.com

Freedom to Love
A complete study course for college students and young adults about the theology of the body, love, sexuality, chastity, relationships and more. Also a good resource for parents who want to engage their children on these topics. Available from Ascension Press.

The Messy Family Project
Mike and Alicia Hernon, parents of ten children, aim to empower parents, strengthen marriage and bring families to Christ. This is done through their podcast, short videos, downloadable resources and live events.

Parenting with Heart: A Guide to Parenting Based upon the Call to Love as We Are Loved
The generous love of God, who has loved us first and loved us into being, serves as the model for parents and those who take the role of parent: grandparents, mentors, and caregivers. The purpose of the guide is to support parents and families to respond to the call to be the Domestic Church, a communion of life, of love, and of grace. In this program we reflect on God’s love for us and how God’s love can guide us in our role as parents. We also draw on lessons from the field of parent education. Together, they form the basis of Parenting with Heart. Complimentary copies of the Facilitator’s Guide and the Participant’s “Tool Kit” are available upon request.

Contact: Christine Rybka-Miki and Paul Miki at whisperinggrace1@gmail.com

Teaching the Way of Love
Teaching the Way of Love is a program for Catholic parents that encourages and empowers them to embrace their role as the primary educators of their children, especially in the areas of moral and personal development.

You: Life, Love, and the Theology of the Body
A complete study course for high school students about love, sexuality, chastity, gender and more. Also a good resource for parents who want to engage their children on these topics; there is a separate Parent’s Guide. Available from Ascension Press.

General Marriage Enrichment

Better Marriages
An international nonprofit, nonsectarian organization that provides enrichment opportunities and resources to strengthen couple relationships and enhance personal growth, mutual fulfillment, and family wellness.

Contact: 800-634-8325 or acme@bettermarriages.org

Couple Communication
Couples learn 11 interpersonal skills for effective talking and listening, plus processes for better decision making, conflict resolution, and anger management.

Contact: 800-328-5099 or icp@comskills.com

Franklin Covey’s Marriage, Family, Youth and Community Initiatives
This engaging, experiential curricula, including The 8 Habits of a Successful Marriage, is based on Stephen Covey’s best-seller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Contact: 800-827-1776

Institute for Soul Healing Love
Non-profit, non-denominational institute designed to strengthen marriages and families. Classes also assist low-income families and minorities to improve life skills through communication and relationship development.

Contact: 704-364-9176 or info@SoulHealingLove.com

Marriage Builders, Inc.
Marriage Builders helps couples learn how to build and maintain a mutually enjoyable marriage.

Contact: 651-762-8570 or Admin@MarriageBuilders.com

Marriage Friendly Therapists
Marriage Friendly Therapists is a nationwide network of marriage/couples counselors who want your relationship to thrive. Each therapist is specifically trained in couples counseling and has met eligibility requirements to make this roster. Most importantly, the health of your relationship is valued by every counselor you will find here; we want to help you find the joy of a deeply meaningful relationship.

PAIRS: Practical Application of Relationship Skills
Established in 1975, PAIRS teaches practical skills for building and rebuilding great relationships. Effective with couples at any stage from premarital to deeply troubled.

Contact: 877-PAIRS-4U or info@pairs.com

PREP: The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program
Based on over twenty years of research, PREP teaches marital/premarital couples how to communicate effectively, work as a team, solve problems, manage conflict, and preserve and enhance love and commitment. Available in Spanish.
800-366-0166 or 303-759-9931
Info@PREPinc.com

Relationship Enhancement (including MML) Programs
Couples learn skills to increase mutual understanding and emotional responsiveness; resolve conflicts; establish more satisfying behavior patterns, and enhance relationships with children and co-workers. Participant’s manual available in Spanish.

Contact: Bernard Guerney, Ph.D., Rob Scuka, Ph.D. and Mary Ortwein, MS, 502-227-0055 or 301-680-6977, admin@skillswork.org or niremd@nire.org

Partners on the Journey
This marriage enrichment series combines a Catholic theology of marriage with findings from scientific research by Dr. John Gottman to offer couples both inspiration and practical help. For group facilitators or for couples to take home.

ThinkMarriage.org
Offers an affordable way to improve relationship skills from the comfort of your own home. Online, skills-based, Healthy Relationship Webinars include topics to help build intimacy, trust and gain new communication skills. Each Webinar is directed by a certified relationship coach or educator. Individuals as well as couples can benefit.
info@thinkmarriage.org

For Further Reading:

Date Ideas for Married Couples

Although having a weekly date may seem like a no-brainer, many couples’ good intentions quickly get put off to some future time, when life is not so busy or there’s more money. Pretty soon the kids are grown and couples find they’ve grown apart. Make a commitment to a weekly date. It doesn’t have to always be on the same night, but it’s helpful to pencil in one night each week on your calendars; you can always change the night if a conflict comes up.

Below are some ideas that go beyond the usual dinner and a movie. Many involve little or no cost. Not all dates have to involve going out, but if you have young children, getting a break from the kids is a stress release in itself. Getting a babysitter, however, can be a burden. Alternate who gets the sitter and develop a pool of sitters.

Absolutely free

  • If you’re the responsible, conscientious type, do something together that’s whacky but legal. If you’re already the risk-taking type, do something responsible, for example, pick up litter around a park or volunteer at a soup kitchen together.
  • Try star gazing in your own back yard or out in the country. Just bring a blanket and gaze upwards together. If you’re the scientific type, you might get a star map and try to identify constellations.
  • Go to a public place (a train station, airport lobby, downtown gathering place) and people watch. Make up stories about the people who pass you, as if you’re writing a novel. If you see someone who looks sad or distressed say a prayer or lend a hand.
  • Each spouse privately creates a funny costume from what you have around the house. (No need to buy anything, just use pots, paraphernalia, jewelry, and even root through your spouse’s clothes to put items together in weird or scary ways.) Then come together and reveal.
  • Rake leaves together. Make a big pile and jump in them. Let go of any inhibitions about being neat and tidy. Don’t have any fallen leaves? Find someone who does and volunteer to rake theirs.
  • Find an empty, open church. Sit, kneel, explore, pray. Let peace and reverence seep into your being. Quietly pray for each other. If you like, discuss your deepest spiritual beliefs afterwards.
  • Waiter’s Night. Pick a night to “wait” on your spouse. You get the drinks, the snacks, his/her slippers, favorite game, etc. You can even dramatize your role as servant. Just make sure that you alternate the favor sometime soon.
  • Traditionally, parents fill their children’s shoes with treats on St. Nick’s eve. Try walking in your spouse’s shoes for an evening – perhaps more of a challenge for the husband. Try to understand life from your spouse’s perspective. Even if you don’t exchange shoes, at least change roles for the evening.
  • Commit to a “tech free” night. Turn off your cell phones, computer, the TV, and the lights. Use your imagination to see what’s left to do without electricity.

Cheap Dates

  • Go to an amusement park or arcade. It doesn’t have to be one of those fancy, expensive parks. Go without the kids and BE kids again. Do those silly arcade games like skee ball or whack-a-mole. Impress your spouse with your strength or cunning…or laugh at your ineptitude.
  • Play a game from your childhood – croquet, badminton, hide and seek, miniature golf. Reminisce and be playful together.
  • Pretend-You’re-a-Tourist date. Look around your city and do the things a tourist might do – go to an overlook, a quaint neighborhood, the botanical gardens, a museum, whatever is special about your hometown. Gawk if you like, after all you’re a tourist. (Inspired by Co-op America).
  • Build something together – ice cream sundaes, a pizza with your favorite toppings, a tower of blocks. Perhaps you will find a chuckle over the odd or weird combinations that reflect your different approaches to food, building, and life.
  • Plan a “Favorites Night” around your favorite food, clothes, games, sports, etc. Each spouse could choose a favorite activity which you then combine into one evening, or the wife could propose her favorite activities for one date and the husband plans the next date with his favorites.
  • Ride a city bus for the whole route. Reflect on the sights you see and the lives of the people who are your fellow passengers. Debrief your insights afterwards.
  • Wait for snow and give yourself permission to make snow angels or make a snowman. Don’t live in a snowy climate? Go roller blading or revisit your childhood by visiting a roller skating rink.
  • Visit a pet store together. This is usually good for stirring up warm fuzzy feelings. Restrain yourself from buying, however, unless you’re really ready for a new family member. Talk about any pets you had as a child.
  • Ever gone midnight bowling? It’s more than just bowling. Some places have special music, lighting, and gimmicks. Even without these, it can be a ball of fun if you don’t take it too seriously.
  • Look through old photo albums and tell each other stories of your childhood and families. If you feel really energetic, make it a time to put all those loose photos in albums or on a disc. It’s a big job but your children will appreciate it one day.
  • During Lent, go to a fish fry. The fish is not the point. Seeing a community work together to feed the multitudes is a miracle in itself. Are you a member of a faith community? You don’t have to like fish to check it out.
  • Hang out at a bookstore. Browse through your favorite sections. Many bookstores have cozy reading spots or a café connected with them. Assume an erudite persona for an evening.
  • Do something to nurture your spiritual life. Go to a church service, spend an hour in silence, pray the Way of the Cross in a church or walk in a poor neighborhood to seek Christ’s presence there.
  • Visit your local zoo. Spring is often an especially engaging time since your likely to see some endearing zoo babies and glorious flowers.
  • Try a theme date like one around “quarters.” Think of all the things you can do that use quarters like play a juke box, wash the car, take your picture together at a photo booth, play video games at an arcade. (Inspired by Co-op America)
  • Thrift Store Date. Pick a spending limit (like $5 each) and see what crazy gift(s) you can put together for your sweetheart. Try creating a crazy or luxurious outfit for each other and wear it home. It may be the only time you wear it (other than Halloween) before you donate it back to the store. (Inspired by Co-op America)
  • Volunteer somewhere together – a nursing home, a soup kitchen, clean up litter from a park or along your street. Pray a simple litany of thanks together, i.e. For our family, we thank you Lord. For a safe home, we thank you Lord. For our health, we thank you Lord…

Outdoorsy dates

  • Water and moonlight can be romantic. Is there a lake, a river, a fountain near your home? Take a walk along a body of water at night. Pause and gaze at the light shimmering on the water. Dream and imagine together.
  • Do something silly that reminds you of your childhood. Climb a tree together, catch lightning bugs, or feed some ducks.
  • Try an old fashioned picnic in a secluded spot. Lay out a table cloth, some snacks or a meal. Some wine might be a nice touch. Perhaps read some romantic poetry to each other. It need not be original, just something you took the effort to find.
  • Take an early morning or evening bike ride together. Explore your neighborhood or the countryside. Stop at a quaint café for breakfast or get an ice cream cone or other treat along the way. In fact stop whenever you feel the urge. It’s not a race, just a time to discover together.
  • If tent camping is a new experience for you, try it, you might like it. Borrow a tent, sleeping bags, and some advice from a veteran camper and spend a night in the woods – or at least a backyard. Snuggle, tell ghost stories, and roast marshmallows.
  • During the Fall, find a corn maze and wander through it. Night time is the most fun. Getting lost is part of the adventure. Ponder how your experience may mimic times in your life together when you felt lost, found each other, or found your way through a difficulty together. No corn mazes in your area? Search out a labyrinth. Many retreat centers have them.

At home dates

  • Curl up for an evening of reading. Find a book you both enjoy and take turns reading to each other, or each of you can read your own book in each other’s company. For fun you might want to randomly read a sentence from each of your respective books and see what bizarre combinations this makes.
  • The Bible may not seem like a date book but try sharing your favorite passage with each other. Don’t have a favorite passage? Explore the Song of Songs together. Share what you find physically attractive about your spouse.
  • During the dark of winter, make some light together. Build a fire in the fireplace. Don’t have a fireplace? Light a whole bunch of candles in a grouping. Lay out a blanket and have an indoor picnic – or at least some popcorn.
  • Rent a classic romantic move like Casablanca, Sense and Sensibility, The Princess Bride, etc.

The Vocation of Marriage

When the Catholic Church teaches that marriage is a Christian vocation it is saying that the couple’s relationship is more than simply their choice to enter a union which is a social and legal institution. In addition to these things, marriage involves a call from God and a response from two people who promise to build, with the help of divine grace, a lifelong, intimate and sacramental partnership of love and life. In Amoris Laetitia, Pope Francis writes:

Marriage is a vocation, inasmuch as it is a response to a specific call to experience conjugal love as an imperfect sign of the love between Christ and the Church. Consequently, the decision to marry and to have a family ought to be the fruit of a process of vocational discernment (no. 72).

The Second Vatican Council teaches that “all Christians in whatever state or walk of life are called to the fullness of Christian life and to the perfection of charity” (Constitution on the Church, n. 40). The call to marriage is a particular way of living the universal call to holiness given to every Christian in the Sacrament of Baptism. The calls to priesthood or to the vowed religious life are other Christian vocations (see St. John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, no. 11). Along with marriage, all of them equally though in different ways, are a response to the Lord who says, “Follow me.”

The call to love is “the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being.” In the vocation of marriage – something which “is written in the very nature of man and woman,” we see that “the love of husband and wife becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, nos. 1603 and 1604).

A vocation is a personal call. It is offered freely and must be accepted freely. Attraction to a certain way of life or to a specific person can be a good sign of being called. Most often a person comes to recognize and accept a vocation gradually. This process, sometimes called discernment, is an opportunity for growth. It can be helped by prayer and guidance from trusted mentors, friends and family.

However, what begins as attraction must deepen into conviction and commitment. Those who are called to the married life should be ready to learn what their vocation means and to acquire the virtues and skills needed for a happy and holy marriage.

The vocation to marriage is a call to a life of holiness and service within the couple’s own relationship and in their family. As a particular way of following the Lord, this vocation also challenges a couple to live their marriage in a way that expresses God’s truth and love in the world.