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Humility: Foundation for Marital Happiness

J. Paul Getty, the oil man, was a billionaire–and proud of it. He was at one time considered the world’s richest man, but during the most active years in his business, he lived alone in a 72-room mansion outside London. Over a 25-year period, he had married and divorced five women. “I hate to be a failure,” he said. “I would gladly give all my millions for just one, lasting marital success.”

Getty gained a fortune. It brought him fame and power. But by his own admission, it did not seem to bring him happiness. His life is an object lesson for our age, which celebrates celebrity, wealth, power–and the pride that comes with it.

It’s been said that pride is a mortal enemy to love, and if so, we can assume a mortal enemy to lasting marital happiness. That may be because pride, and its excessive focus on our egos, prevents us from seeing the world around us as it is, a world in which we are utterly dependent on the God who created us and dependent as well on those who, in turn, depend on us.

The antidote to pride is humility. It is an outlook on life that accepts reality. The reality is that God is the Creator, and we are his creatures. No matter how smart, how good looking or charming, how hard-working and wealthy, or how powerful we are, we are still creatures.

Humility is the acceptance of things as they are. It is seeing our place in the world, not as we would have it, but as it really is. Only the humble have a firm grasp of reality. The proud are inflated with who they think they are; the humble are content with who they really are.

Most of us think instinctively of pride as a high and humility as a low. When we’re up, we’re proud; when we’re down, we’re humbled. But humility actually falls in the middle, as a golden mean between the two manifestations of pride: the egoism that inflates our self-importance on some days and deflates our true selves on other days.

An adage used by Alcoholics Anonymous describes the way many people view themselves: “Greater than or less than, but never equal to.”

This bouncing back and forth between the earth and the sky takes a toll on our own spiritual and emotional health. When we find that we will never scale the heights we envision for ourselves we become frustrated and dejected, and a burden to those around us, especially our families.

The model of humility is Christ. As Pope John XXIII put it, “the principal center of the divine instruction” is the Gospel passage: “Learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart.” In other words, this was no idle comment. It was the core of Christ’s personality.

Christ not only preached humility to others, he lived it himself. Though he was the Son of God, he was born in a cave. He worked as a carpenter. He composed no great work of art; built no towering edifice; assumed no great political office. He died nailed to a cross, the fate of a common criminal. He did all this willingly. And yet, he became the central figure in world history.

His central mission was to serve others. If the acceptance of reality is the inward sign of humility, service is its outward sign. It has been said that humility is nothing more or less than the will to serve. Nothing makes it more difficult to serve God and those we live with than pride. Nothing makes it easier than humility, which opens our hearts to the possibility of serving a person other than ourselves.

There are many opportunities for service in the world, but none more important than those within the family. Christ’s service was built on sacrifice. Our opportunity for humble service may mean a great sacrifice like putting a career on hold in order to tend to an ill spouse or child. It may mean nothing more than holding our tongue when criticized or helping a child with homework.

Humility is all about relationships. It is an acceptance of the reality that we are dependent on the God who created us, dependent on the love and help of those around us, and created in order to love and serve God and all his creation.

J. Paul Getty admitted to being a lonely man. He said that people liked him primarily for his money. According to one of his wives, he spent so much time building a business that he had no time to build a relationship with his family.

We don’t need to be wealthy, famous, or powerful to fulfill our destiny. We just need to be humble enough to value the modest gifts we have and loving enough to share them with those around us.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Forgiveness: Healing the Hurts in Marriage

On our 25th wedding anniversary, Neil and I celebrated with our faith community at Mass. By chance the Gospel was the parable of the prodigal son, but it probably wasn’t chance at all! This story is often applied to parents and children, but as I listened, I heard our journey in marriage.

I remembered one of our sons saying that the father didn’t just happen to be on the hill that day, that he went out every day and watched the road, waiting to forgive. In many ways this is what happens in marriage. We become road watchers. Marriage involves waiting, sometimes through real or emotional distance, sometimes through deep hurts, and it calls us to seek and offer forgiveness. Marriage asks that we not take forgiving for granted, but instead that we celebrate when it happens. Love demands that we stand by the road every day watching for each other, welcoming each other home.

At that Mass, I listened to Fr. Rich talk about forgiveness in the Gospel, and I realized that being married to Neil had taught me to stand in a place of forgiveness. In fact, reconcilication is the most critical work of the first years of marriage, and if a couple does it well, it becomes the work and the gift of a lifetime.

One of the graces present in the sacrament of marriage is the grace of healing and forgiveness. When we come to marriage we each bring our histories – healed or broken, reflected upon or repressed – to our life together. Our vocation is to help each other become fully human. This means finding a way to share hurts, to risk allowing the other person to know us so intimately that we are willing to open up old wounds and allow God to heal them through each other. Marriage at its best creates a safe space where healing and forgiveness can take place. It offers the possibility of having a companion to share the journey, someone to will help us to dig a litter deeper, to reflect more fully.

One of the best parts of being forgiven is the freedom it brings. Jesus taught us to ask for forgiveness when he taught us to pray. “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” invites God to forgive us as we forgive.

Another way to look at it is to say, loose the cords that bind us as we have released the strands we hold of another’s guilt. In marriage we can hold each other fast, or we can release each other to grow toward wholeness. It is always a choice!

Early in our marriage, Neil and I didn’t know how to free each other. We had grown up in homes where feelings were not shared, and where reconciling was difficult. In my home it was not safe to express anger. In Neil’s home disagreement could lead to estrangement. Because we brought these broken places to our marriage, we found ourselves unable to have healthy conflict and to move to reconciliation. Our joy in each other changed to distance, and living together became a strain. I wanted to leave, but I was too scared, so I picked fights, threw tantrums, and in general made Neil’s life miserable. One evening I asked him, “Why do you put up with this? Why don’t you just leave?” Neil grabbed my arms and said, “Don’t you know, you are worth waiting for?”

I didn’t know. I didn’t think I was worth much at all. But Neil seemed to think so, and somewhere deep inside I felt hope. And hope, once the cords are loosed, will grow. Neil gave me a gift of forgiveness with his words, and with that gift I could begin to forgive myself. And it is a gift that keeps on giving.

When our second son was going through a rough time in his teens, he yelled at me, “Why do you and Dad put up with me? Why don’t you throw me out?” I heard myself in those words, and I hear Neil in my response,“Don’t you know you are worth waiting for?” The gift had come full circle. When we are forgiven and healed we are able to see our true selves, the beloved of God, and because we know it, we can share it.

Because of the things that Neil and I encountered on our road together, I have learned to forgive myself, my parents, uncontrolled events, God, our children, and Neil.

A friend of mine says that the concept of “forgive and forget” comes from chivalry, not from Scripture, and she described forgiving this way: “You know you have forgiven when you can remember the incident but not relive the feelings.”

I would add one more piece to her definition: You have forgiven when you are able to bless the incident. It is easy to bless the good things in life, but when I remember the times I have been hurt and am able to see the blessing that came from it, I know I have been healed. It is in the blessing that the pain becomes a gift.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Perseverance: Love Never Ends

When Courtney crossed the stage to receive her diploma a small crowd in the hall exploded in applause. Her husband Stan cheered loudly, standing with both hands in the air. Exiting the stage, she looked up, pointed to Stan and blew a kiss.

That said it all!

They both knew this moment was a joint victory for them, the culmination of a “steady persistent course of action…in spite of difficulties and discouragement” [perseverance, Webster’s dictionary]. While writing papers and completing an internship, Courtney worked part-time, sharing care of their 18-month-old son with Stan, who worked one and a half jobs to make ends meet.

When they married, they agreed to support each other in completing their education and career plans. But they didn’t anticipate the monetary or emotional cost: days without a decent conversation, weekends without time for relaxation or intimacy, less money for clothes and entertainment, periods of resentment and self-pity. Courtney and Stan faced an unanticipated challenge together yet succeeded in fulfilling their dream for a better future.

Stan and Courtney are models of perseverance. So, too, are Dick and Nancy, who emerged from Dick’s stroke with a radically altered life style, and Imelda and Jose, who worked round-the-clock for three years to start their small business.

With a divorce rate of almost 50%, it’s inspiring to meet couples who struggle, facing difficulties and overcoming them with a stronger partnership and a deeper commitment to their marriage. What makes such perseverance possible for some and not for others? Is it just a matter of gutting it out or is there some magic formula for which challenges yield stronger relationships?

Every couple I have ever known has times when they are disillusioned, angry, depressed, tired, or just plain ready to give up. It could be over money, work, kids, alcohol, the house, sports, sex, or in-laws. Why do some couples persevere and others give up trying to make things work?

As I talk with both newly marrieds and seasoned couples, three things seem to be present in couples who persevere through difficult times.

The first is the ability to hope. Hope in marriage is about believing in a shared but unseen future. Hope is more than optimism. Hope that perseveres is an orientation of the spirit that springs from a source beyond us. To endure, couples need a positive vision to work toward when the present moment looks grim.

When Amy was on bed rest at the end of her pregnancy and Tom was picking up the slack, their hope in the possibility of a healthy baby got them through. When Dick couldn’t walk after his stroke, he and Nancy hoped for future good times with their grandchildren. The scriptures emphasize the importance of hope. “For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance” (Romans 8:24-25).

The second key to perseverance is the ability of both spouses to sacrifice for a better future. While Courtney worked evenings, Stan gave up his poker night with the guys to babysit. There were no vacations, expensive concerts or pricey bottles of wine during graduate school.

Noted marriage researcher Scott Stanley’s studies of sacrifice in marriage show that when both spouses are willing to sacrifice it is a powerful way of expressing love for each other. Sacrifice says what is good for you is important to me. I love you enough to give up my own time and energy for your good. For Imelda and Jose, it meant not having new clothes or nice furniture for almost three years so that all their resources could be invested in a growing business that could support their family in the future.

The third characteristic of persevering couples is faith—in themselves, in one another and in God. Until they faced difficulties, Patrice and Sheldon were unaware that God was with them in their marriage relationship. But when the going got tough, they began to ask for God’s help in resolving their bitter fights and arguments. They experienced being changed through prayer and confidence in God’s power within them.

“It wasn’t like a bolt of lightning or anything,” commented Sheldon. “I had prayed for help at work and when playing sports, so I started to pray for help at home. Then we started to pray together. That led us to learning new ways of communicating with each other. We just slowly began to realize that we couldn’t overcome this by ourselves because we were both part of the problem.” Even when we have only a tiny bit of faith in ourselves or in God, prayer can sustain us.

Courtney and Stan’s graduation celebration, like the success of Jose and Imelda in persevering through difficult times, is directly related to the promise they made on their wedding day to love and honor each other forever. Today, when many have lost confidence in married love, they prove it is possible!

When couples persevere, they bring this unique steadfast love into their families, their communities and into the world. It is encouraging to see that the love St. Paul speaks about in his letter to the Corinthians is possible for all of us: “Love is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love never ends ” (Corinthians 13:7,8).

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Forgiveness Fundamentals

Every marriage has conflict and hurts; that’s a constant. It’s what we do with those hurts that varies. Christ desires that we forgive those hurts and allow the Holy Spirit to heal and bring new life into our marriages.

Here are some forgiveness fundamentals that we hope will be helpful for your marriage.

Forgiveness is a paradox

Forgiveness is tricky; it is both a decision and a process. It is a decision because it involves using our will and intellect to decide to forgive. It is not a feeling; we need to decide to forgive. Yet it is also a process because we have a right to work through the hurt with somebody who is helpful and will validate our feelings (a good friend, a priest, a therapist, etc). Do not wait to feel like you need to forgive because that may never happen. That said, if you have a very hard time forgiving, the very first place to start is prayer: ask God for the grace to decide to forgive as you process the hurts with somebody you trust.

Forgiveness does not excuse

Forgiving somebody does not, in any way, excuse the hurt that was done. It is a decision to let go of retribution and to allow God to begin to heal. When we let go of the hurt, God can start to redeem it and bring good from it.

Use rituals to forgive and heal

Many individuals and couples love to privately write down all their hurts and then safely burn the paper in order to grieve and let go of these hurts. If you choose to do this, watch the ritual. The ash is a different substance from the paper (a chemical change). And ash can be used as fertilizer! This is exactly what God wants to do with our hurts as well. God will turn our hurts into good when we give them over to God. But if we hold onto our hurts too much, God respects our free will and may not be able to transform them into the new life God wants for us.

You have a right to your justified anger

You do not have a right to take that anger out on yourself, your loved ones, or your spouse. Think of an “anger bottle” or “anger safe.” Place all your daily anger in this space and tell it that you will get to it later that day. Then when you are able, set aside time to journal your anger out, talk it out, exercise it out, pray it out, etc. When you exercise and start to sweat, that is when you open your “anger bottle” up and let go of the anger, harness the anger. As a member of the Body of Christ you have dominion over your anger and your hurt. You own it and you can use it for the good; it doesn’t own you.

Forgive and forget…not!

I am not sure who coined the phrase “forgive and forget” but only God is fully capable of that, and even God forgives and redeems (brings good from it). When it comes to understanding forgiveness it is good to understand how God made us. Women have larger hippocampi compared to men. The hippocampus is a structure in the brain that is connected to memory. Women remember differently (think 70 inch HDTV)! Men usually remember in much less detail (think black and white stick figures). As a therapist, Jim has heard this from so many couples over the years:

(wife): “Jim, I can’t forget this thing he did.” (husband): “Jim, I can’t remember what she can’t forget.” Both have been correct because of biology. Don’t even try to forgive and forget. It doesn’t work biologically.

Learn to forgive yourself

After you ask forgiveness from God and the person you offended, it can be very freeing to put your hand on your heart and tell yourself: “I forgive you.” If you do this use your first name and listen to your words of comfort. This has been a wonderfully freeing ritual for many people.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation

Catholics have the powerful Sacrament of Reconciliation, if they’re willing to use it. The wisdom of Father Pio (the twentieth century stigmatist) summed it up well: Even clean rooms need frequent dusting. Yes, our marriages need cleaning and dusting and the grace of the sacrament of reconciliation is a powerful way to open up our souls to the Holy Spirit’s refreshing life.

About the author
Maureen Otremba, M.A, and James Otremba, M.Div, M.S., LICSW offer marriage workshops and retreats for parishes and dioceses. To learn more go to: http://www.eucharisticmarriage.com/.

© 2010, The Foundational Intimacy: Eucharist as the Model for Marriage Workshop. Used with permission.

I Promise To Be True To You

If they are not too anxious, every bride and groom hears at the beginning of the Catholic Rite of Marriage:

My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.

The bridal couple likely believes their love is already strong. Do they really need Christ to enrich and strengthen them? It sounds as if marriage involves a challenge for which the bride and groom need fortification, their mission being to “assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.”

What is fidelity that it is considered tough enough to need sacramental enrichment and strengthening? One definition–faithfulness to duties and obligations, or loyalty—corresponds with a traditional understanding of marital fidelity. It denotes unfailing fulfillment of one’s responsibilities and the keeping of one’s word or vows.

Fidelity and its rigors can best be described by those whose lives exemplify faithfulness. The Bible presents many models: Abraham’s fidelity to God despite difficult tests; Ruth’s loyalty to her mother-in-law although free to return to her own clan; Hosea’s resolute faithfulness despite his wife’s infidelities; Paul’s commitment to his mission despite arduous journeys and imprisonment.

We see by our forebears’ lives that fidelity is not easy but is possible with the help of God. Above all the Bible shows that God is faithful no matter how poorly human beings behave. The Son of God dies so that God can keep a promise. Married life often presents trials, conflicting choices, a partner’s inattention or worse. Faithful love persists. Spouses lay down their lives for their beloved every day.

Examples of faithful living exist in our own time. My closest example is my parents’ devotion to each another. My father’s loyalty during the last phase of their life is a remarkable illustration of meeting fidelity’s demands.

Shortly after my dad retired he noticed the first signs of Mom’s Alzheimer-related dementia. About 15 years after her diagnosis they moved to a retirement center to ensure Mom’s security if Dad died first. Dad gave up space and privacy for her sake. He also gave up sleep and dignity. When his wife began to wander, he slept on the floor by the door until an alarm was installed. When she insisted she had to meet her (deceased) father in the parking lot in the middle of the night, he accompanied her. When she forgot Dad’s name and told people “that strange man” was abusing her, he wept alone.

At last Dad admitted he could no longer continue as his wife’s primary caregiver, calling it “the hardest day of my life.” After Mom moved to the care unit, Dad visited her three times daily, bringing fresh fruit and newspapers, brushing her teeth, kissing her upon arrival and before parting. Death, he believed, would be easier to accept than her prolonged debilitation.

Mutual and lasting fidelity to the duties of marriage can be seriously tested by both good times and bad: as much by children’s births, job relocation, multiple opportunities, and wealth as by work stress, financial strain, emotional illness, disabilities, and tragedy. Temptations against fidelity might be disguised as attraction, generosity, or loyalty to a person or cause that is good, such as members of one’s original family, career, material comforts, a friend in need, even religion. No wonder couples need Christ’s enrichment and strength to differentiate between temptation and their vocation.

They also need to practice the virtue of fidelity from courtship onward. Fidelity is an acquired quality that is developed intentionally. Every temptation to be unfaithful is an opportunity to build character. Being purposely faithful to one’s wedding vows enables fidelity to become ingrained, a part of one’s makeup. Forty-five years of fidelity culminated in my father’s faithfulness during their last 15 married years, and in my mother’s willingness to put herself in his hands.

Another definition of fidelity, referring to accuracy and exact correspondence with the original, also offers insights into the marital virtue. Just as a high-fidelity electronic device is noted for accurate sound or picture reproduction, a high-fidelity marriage corresponds with what it represents: the love within the Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church. As a high-fidelity record is true to the original production, faithful spouses are true to their vows.

As President Woodrow Wilson said about loyalty, fidelity “means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.” Yet marital fidelity has rewards. A radical commitment to fidelity enables spouses to trust one another. It fosters openness and intimacy. It dignifies the marriage even in undignified circumstances like personal failure and physical or mental debilitation. A high-fidelity marriage is the basis for a stable family in which children can flourish. And on strong families is built a strong society.

Fidelity is a virtue intertwined with true love. Christ strengthens lovers who desire to be faithful so that, as Pope Benedict XVI said, “love is never ‘finished’ and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself” (Deus Caritas Est, 17). Fidelity, like love, is no fleeting feeling but a life-long commitment that Christ abundantly blesses.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

The Courage to be Married

It may not take courage to make a promise, but it can take a lot of courage to keep a promise. This is especially true for the promises we make on our wedding day.

I remember when I was an altar boy serving wedding Masses. I recall seeing the nervousness and sometimes outright terror on the faces of the brides and grooms who knelt before the altar. I used to wonder why they were so nervous. Then, years later, I got engaged to be married and got my own taste of that fear.

For me, it was never the problem that I didn’t love the woman kneeling next to me before God, our families, and friends on our wedding day. The problem was that no human could offer us any guarantees as to what was ahead of us. In fact, our friend Father Rich Simon, who presided at our wedding, presented us with a list of possibilities that didn’t exactly inspire confidence—sickness, poverty, or worse.

But in our decades of marriage so far, what we’ve found is that, most often, the courage we’ve needed has been to respond to the more mundane and everyday challenges that marriage brings. And the more we’ve had the courage to address these challenges, the stronger, more satisfying, and even holier our marriage has been for us. Here are a few of those everyday challenges we faced. You’ll surely find your own.

The courage to say what needs to be said

I suspect that most marriages aren’t harmed as much by what is said as by what is left unsaid. Withholding our truth from one another can kill a marriage. This can range from failing to express one’s love (in words, in deeds, in conscientious responses), to not standing up for oneself, to failing to speak up when something’s wrong in your marriage but you don’t want to rock the boat.

In my own marriage, I am extremely grateful (though usually not at the moment) for the times my wife was able to raise difficult issues I’d rather have kept swept under the rug. And I am glad I have found the courage to speak up about feelings and concerns I had that I knew it would be hard for her to hear. Showing courage in those moments inevitably increased our intimacy, our respect, and our love. Pay attention to what you resist saying. A friend of mine says that when it comes to knowing what inner work we should do, “resistance always points true north.”

The courage to do your own inner work

What behaviors of yours are robbing your marriage? It may be busy-ness, alcohol, anger, compulsive spending, or a whole long list of other distractions and cheap substitutions for the mutual self-revelation that marriage calls us to. Over time, any one of these can kill a marriage. If in your marriage you find yourself doing what you know you don’t want and shouldn’t do, have the courage to get help. It’s funny that people show disdain for turning to a counselor or 12-Step group because they feel it shows weakness, when in truth picking up the phone to make a call for help takes more courage than most things we’ll ever do. Be courageous!

The courage to welcome and let go

One of the greatest challenges of marriage is to find gracious ways to welcome this other person into your life—to make their wants and wishes and needs as much a concern for you as your own wants and wishes and needs. Marriage is all about welcoming—our new spouse, their family and friends, their quirks and foibles, even their maddening habits.

We need to do more than tolerate, we are called to welcome and cherish all of who this person is. It takes courage to open up our lives and invite another in. It takes courage to overcome our own habits of selfishness. And when we do, we swiftly learn that we also need to exercise the Christian virtue of letting go—letting go of old habits and new expectations. And oddly enough, if we are to keep our marriage alive and growing, we need to let go of how our marriage was last year or how we think it ought to be and grow into what our marriage requires or us today. You will change and so will your spouse. Each day, in effect, you need to say, “Once again, I choose you.”

Earlier I wrote that no human being could guarantee what our future might hold, and that’s true. But on your wedding day, God makes you a promise. God promises to be with you every step of the way—for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and not only until death, but beyond. And in reality, that is the guarantee that has meant the most to Kathleen and me. It is in the context of this living faith that marriage finally makes sense. It is in the faithfulness of God that we have found our hope to remain faithful to one another. It is in the reality of God’s constant love for us that we have discovered the depth and source of our love for each other, for our children, and for the world we are meant to serve. May you have courage—the courage to be truly married.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Stages of Growth in Marriage

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic. This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise. God feels very close and responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings. They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance. Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes. Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into either/or, right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God.

Additional Challenges and Stages

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

About the author
Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Studies at Loyola University in Chicago and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Recreation

The Situation

If there is a rock wall to climb nearby, Bob will be there. Any snow-covered slope is a potential cross country ski run. Bike rides and a gym workout are his way to have fun. Christine, on the other hand, loves to use her free time to snuggle up with a good book or lie on the couch watching a movie. The word sweat is not in her vocabulary.

When they were dating Christine went along willingly with Bob on his adventures. The novelty of swimming by moonlight and sleeping in tents drew her to his sense of adventure and love of the outdoors. Bob enjoyed quiet nights of watching movies with Christine as a perfect way to have quality time with her.

Then they were married. Within the first year her schooling and part-time work and his demanding job made free time for recreation increasingly difficult. On weekends, she would curl up with a book and he would go to the gym.

By the second year of marriage, they were spending much of their leisure time apart. Bob was riding with a bicycling club and was on a regular basketball team. Christine joined a book club at their church and went to chick flicks with girlfriends. They had begun to lead separate recreational lives and had very little time to spend alone together having fun. Fun had moved out of the house and into separate little cubicles occupied with same sex friends.

One night during a heated disagreement, Christine angrily accused Bob of “not being very much fun anymore.” He made a counter-accusation saying all she wanted to do was “sit around” and he didn’t think that was much fun at all.

A Response

It is not unusual for couples to have differing interests and tastes in recreation – or in any other area of life for that matter. It’s true that opposites attract and what might have seemed exciting about a partner’s habits during courtship often feels frustrating after marriage. Having different interests has the advantage of putting variety in a relationship and keeping things from getting stale.

Like every couple who has promised to love and honor one another, Christine and Bob have the opportunity to bring their differences to the table and to create a common life together combining strengths and interests to form an “us.” Such a partnership is a great enterprise, but not an easy one. A strong marriage requires both spouses to develop new ways of doing things while maintaining their own unique individuality. Couples can begin by doing what every successful partnership has done.

Build on strengths

Bob and Christine can begin by affirming each other. That means a word of encouragement or congratulations when a game is won or a book completed. It means asking about the movie’s theme or the game’s strategy allowing the other to share his or her excitement and interest. It’s easy to resent the play time of our partner when we are not involved, but resentment will only poison the partnership and distance the spouses from each other. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Name the problem

Effective partnerships face problems head on. Couples need to recognize and name the tension that is brewing. Issues that silently cause couples to drift apart lead to alienation and divorce. It’s an elephant in the room. Naming it gives Christine and Bob the power to change the situation. Discussing how to solve the problem begins with each partner showing a desire to share fun activities and to make compromises. It’s most effective to name the problem without accusations and to honestly talking about feelings and hopes for the future. If each spouse knows that the other is willing to sacrifice for the common good, it’s easier to find a workable compromise.

Plan for solutions

Like any strong partnership, a couple’s relationship has to have a plan for change. Bob and Christine need to make a plan to find new ways of deepening their friendship by having fun together. Compromise and negotiation are the rules for planning. Perhaps that means going to a hockey game one weekend and a movie the next. Or, when finances are limited, options might include playing cards or electronic games at home together or with another couple. Both spouses will have to give up some individual time in order to have joint recreational time.

Evaluate and start again

Partnership solutions are often found by trial and error. If one thing doesn’t work, smart partners try another. Because marriage is a covenant, there is no walking away from problems. Sources of help include advice from other couples, a book by marriage experts, or a marriage counseling.

Relaxation and play time strengthen friendship and contribute to marital bonding. In the vocation of Christian marriage husband, wife, and God are meant to share a holy unity – a “partnership of love and life.” That partnership includes the couple and God who is present within the challenges and joys of everyday life. In addressing their differences, Bob and Christine are bound to practice forgiveness, self-sacrifice, humility, and willingness to compromise for love. Doing that will make them better partners for each other and with God.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage, Loyola Press, 2008.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

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Pets and Marriage

The young couple wandered into the local pet store, where an animal rescue organization was sponsoring adoptions. The eager volunteer approached and asked if they were looking for a cat. The woman chuckled. “He wants a cat,” she said, “and I want a dog.”

The volunteer knew better than to get in the middle of that. In fact, theirs was a common dilemma, which many couples resolve by adopting one–or more–of each.

Pets can be an important part of life and, consequently, of marriage. In fact, a study from the University of Buffalo claims that couples who own a cat or dog have closer relationships, are more satisfied in marriage and respond better to stress than couples who do not. Another study found that petting an animal, or even just watching fish in an aquarium, resulted in lowered blood pressure.

Pets can help to reduce stress between spouses, especially when they are going through a difficult time. A pet’s companionship and affection creates a calming effect in a marriage. Plus, the pet can be a source of entertainment and increased fun in the home.

Pet ownership can also cause marital discord. In one poll, 60% of married couples said that pets had created problems in their marriages.

Fortunately, potential problems can often be avoided or minimized if they are acknowledged and addressed up front. Here are a few tips for bringing furry friends into a marriage:

  • “Can we get a dog–please??” If one spouse is absolutely opposed to a pet, it’s probably not a good idea, nor is it fair to the animal, to push the issue. In many cases, however, a spouse is ambivalent. Perhaps he/she has never had a pet and has certain stereotypes in mind: Cats are sneaky; dogs are vicious. If the spouse can keep an open mind, the pet will often endear itself to the skeptic.
  • “It’s your turn to walk Fido” (at 6:00 a.m.). Anyone who has cleaned up hairballs or scooped out a litter box knows that pets come with a downside. Just as spouses divvy up household chores, they also need to discuss responsibility for pet-related tasks. And if you’re the one who promised to take care of the pet (see #1 above) be prepared to keep your promise.
  • At least Fluffy doesn’t need a college fund. Pet care can be a major item in a couple’s budget. Expenses include food, vet bills, cat litter, grooming supplies, toys and travel crates. As animal health care has become more advanced, and more costly, many people are buying pet health insurance . Couples need to decide if their budget can accommodate the expense of a pet.
  • “It’s me or the cat.” What’s cozier than a furry feline stretched out next to you on a cold winter’s night? Nothing–unless that sleeping cat is literally coming between you and your spouse. Not all spouses want to share their bed with a four-legged creature. People can feel strongly about this issue, so it needs to be discussed before allowing a pet in the bedroom.
  • “He pays more attention to the dog than to me!” Even if said half in jest, that’s not a good sign in a marriage. Pets demand time and attention. It’s easy for one spouse to feel neglected or jealous when the other spends time with the pet.

Pets can be a blessing at one stage of the marital journey and a burden at another. Pet ownership may constrain the young couple who wants the freedom to travel at a moment’s notice. When they become more settled, a pet can make a wonderful addition to the family. An older couple who no longer feels up to caring for pets may decide not to replace them when they die. On the other hand, when the adult child who is allergic to animals moves out, the couple can finally adopt the dog or cat they always wanted.

Do pets belong in a marriage? Certainly the 141 million owned cats and dogs in the U.S. would say so. Just make sure that you and your spouse agree on the ground rules before making the commitment to pet ownership.

About the author
Sheila and her husband share their home with resident cat Dolly Madison and a varying number of fosters.

Newly Married

The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship.

Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage (Kreider, 2005), with the highest incidence of divorce coming in year three (Kurdek, 1999). Why?

Sometimes it’s poor choice of spouse. Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly.

Others fall prey to the stresses of early marriage. Some of these stresses might be age-related. Young couples may not have developed the emotional maturity, coping and communication skills, or financial savvy to navigate the many decisions thrust upon them early in their marriage. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience.

Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

According to research done by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000), the top three issues for couples during the first five years of marriage are time, sex, and money:

A. Time
You would think that combining households would simplify life and save time. But newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same.

Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority. An all-consuming job, however, like a mistress, can steal attention from your spouse. You may need to agree on how many extra hours you can reasonably work. Carving out quality time for the two of you can require sacrifice, such as cutting back on personal hobbies or workouts at the gym. At some point you may need to summon the courage to look for a different job … or work out together.

B. Sex
Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems around the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. Reread “Time” above. See also Sex and Intimacy for more on this.

C. Money
Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

Another issue is: “Who has the power?” Many couples consider themselves egalitarian – “We’ll share everything.” Then she finds herself uncomfortable with the loose way he spends “their” hard earned money and he’s annoyed by the way she hoards it. See Finances for more on this.

Other issues include parenting, religious differences, and conflict resolution. Sometimes, the very issues that should bring a couple together, such as a child, faith, and communication, also cause strain. Because couples care so strongly about these things, they are both potential dividers and bonders.

The arrival of a child brings joy – and stress. Parents can feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a child, in addition to the loss of privacy and freedom. Parenting is hard work and when spouses are tired, they get irritable, just like kids.

Shared faith can bind the spouses together. It also requires that a couple talk about their different approaches to spirituality and God. Some people would rather ignore this part of life out of fear, guilt, or bad experiences. Good communication skills, compromise, unselfishness, and an open mind can help you work through the above issues.

So what can you do when you experience these normal stresses of life in the newlywed lane?

  • Gather with other newlyweds. You’ll find you’re not alone.
  • Keep dating. Prioritize quality time together.
  • Confide in other couples who have recently walked this road. They can help you sort out what’s normal and what is not. They can console you because they’ve been there and comfort you with stories of how it could be worse. Many Catholic parishes offer trained mentor couples for their engaged and newly married couples. Check it out.
  • Seek professional help if an issue begins to separate you.

Resources:

Charis Ministries
Founded in 2000, Charis Ministries reaches those in their 20’s and 30’s throughout the country, nurturing their faith through retreats based in Ignatian Spirituality. Charis’ Christ Alive in Our Marriage retreat invites couples in their first five years of marriage to reflect on how Christ is alive in their marriages, and how they are called to make Christ Alive in our world. Visit the website for more information on the retreat, and to find a schedule of upcoming retreats.

FOUNDATIONS, a bi-monthly newsletter for newly married couples by the authors of Catholic and Newly Married: 5 Challenges and 5 Opportunities

First Years and Forever, a monthly e-newsletter from the Archdiocese of Chicago Family Ministries office

Ministry to the Newly Married, a mentoring-based parish program for newlyweds with the goal of fostering the couple’s relationship skills and broadening their understanding of each other and of living out the Sacrament of Marriage. Offered by Agape Catholic Ministries.

“Time, Sex and Money,” America (2001), based on study by the Center for Marriage and Family, Creighton University, 2000

For Further Reading: