Tag Archives: Enriching Your Marriage

Couple Cycles 3,360 Miles for Lasting Marriages

Time surely does fly by when you are very happily married. In the early days of our marriage my husband, Ric, and I imagined a life of friendship and love together, promising that we would never mention or even think of d______ (what so many people do to end their marriages). The word would not even exist in our vocabulary. And we have had so many wonderful years together. We wish all people were better prepared for marriage and chose more carefully the wife or husband they commit to “till death do us part” so every marriage would last and be the “happily ever after” it is meant to be.

We have been cyclists for all of our married life and we thought how fun it would be to ride our bikes across the United States, a dream that we had almost forgotten amongst the days and years of work and family life. With both kids grown and off on their own, we decided this was the way we would celebrate our 25^th Wedding Anniversary – on a tandem ride across the United States. But we didn’t want this ride to be just about us. We wanted to somehow help others in their own marriages. So from Oceanside, California to Yorktown, Virginia we searched for couples who had helpful advice on what makes for a happy, lasting marriage.

Starting off at the Pacific Ocean

Our journey began on June 27, 2015 with a great send-off. About twenty friends and relatives joined us for breakfast in Oceanside including Karen, one of the friends that had introduced us to each other in college. From there we rode for 40 days, taking one day off per week to rest. Every day we would find someone to interview asking them, “What advice would you give to people who are preparing to get married or who are newly married?” We would then post the advice with a description of our ride for the day and some photos on our Facebook page “Lasting Marriage Bike Tour.” On the page we also put some book recommendations, posted articles on marriage, listed marriage resources and 25 love songs that speak about true love.

Beautiful scenery in Colorado

Traveling through Monument Valley in Arizona

Experience is a great teacher if you take the time to reflect upon it, so we interviewed people who had been married for a long time. The advice we received from these friendly people, most of whom were complete strangers to us, is valuable advice that would help anyone trying to build a successful marriage. Quite a few of our followers commented how much they appreciated the advice; some couples saying that they read our posts every night before they went to bed. We pray that it will help many others.

Some Advice from People Across the U.S.

Have God in your life and go to church together
Never stop listening and never stop talking
Be your spouse’s best friend
Don’t be selfish
Learn to compromise, to give and take
Persevere, always remember why you got married
Tell your spouse how much you love them

We made it to the east coast on August 12^th, 2015. Overall, we traveled through nine states and rode 3,360 miles. We met so many good people and saw many beautiful sights. What a great adventure and a great way to spend time together celebrating our anniversary!

Ric and Anne’s celebratory dinner in Yorktown, VA

Why Dating Is Important For Marriage

Date nights improve marriages, according to common sense and a comprehensive, quantitative study conducted by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. The study showed improvements for married couples who go on frequent dates across categories such as happiness, commitment, communication, parenthood stability, and community integration. The evidence also showed that married couples who devote time together at least once a week not only have lower divorce rates, but also increase the perceived quality of their marriage. That is enough evidence to start dating your spouse more!

In an article about the study, W. Bradford Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew highlight five reasons why date nights have strong correlations to healthy marriages: date nights provide opportunities for communication, novelty, eros, strengthening commitment, and de-stressing.

Communication: The importance of good communication is obvious. We have all experienced the consequences of poor communication with our spouse. Often times, it leads to unnecessary arguments or awkward tension. Poor communication will almost always lead to mismanaged expectations, which in turn lead to disappointment. These negative feelings will slowly pull you apart. Dating throughout marriage will combat these kinds of miscues.

Novelty: Date nights help create new experiences in relationships that have fallen into the mundane ruts that we naturally gravitate to as creatures of habit. If you find yourself stuck in the same routine every day, a date night can be something you will look forward to all week. If you plan a creative date, you will also create fun memories together that you can cherish later on. Either way, date nights will make your future, and your past, better.

Eros: The “spark” and novelty of date nights contribute to the eros – romantic love – aspect of relationships and can make you feel like you’ve just started dating each other all over again. Who doesn’t want to feel those butterflies you felt when you first started dating? Planning consistent dates with your husband or wife will help you fall in love with each other all over again week after week.

Commitment: By opening up to each other on dates, spouses build strong bonds that solidify their commitment to each other. This is important for the inevitable hard times that hit us all. When either of you are at your low point, will you have each other to pull you back up? How strong is your emotional bond with each other? If it needs some improvement, then odds are you aren’t dating each other enough.

De-stressing: Lastly, who doesn’t need stress relief every once in a while? Date nights are fun! Your spouse isn’t just there for you for the tough times, but for enjoyable times too. Relax together. Enjoy each other. Make memories together during well thought-out date nights. You will never regret the time you put in planning a creative date instead of watching the next episode of a show you watch too much.

Sadly, the business of life often gets in the way of planning intentional dates with your spouse. Date night ends up being dinner and a movie every time. These dates aren’t bad, but they can become stale if they are the only form of date night you have together. The repetitive structure does not always foster opportunities to open up to one another during the date.

My wife Michelle and I created Date to Door as a way to help strengthen marriages by planning creative dates and sending spouses all of the ingredients they need for the date in one box. For example, one month’s box included a red candle, empty pill bottles, canvases, paint, brushes, blank coupons, and eight tube socks. Date instructions were sent to tie all of those things together for a creative date night.

Our goal is to help marriages stay strong and grow together.

If you’d like to read more about the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, you can check it out here. If you’d like more information on Date to Door, you can check us out here.

About the author

Gerald Zingraf met his wife Michelle at Virginia Tech within a Christian organization called Cru. They got married a couple of years after college and moved to the Washington, D.C. metro area to start their new lives together. The couple enjoys traveling to strange places, trying new foods, and escaping to the great outdoors. They’re always looking forward to their next big date!

Date to Door was created to make relationships and marriages better. The dates are created specifically to engage you with your spouse while creating memories that you could enjoy looking back on.

7 Signs of a Functional Relationship

During my year studying Interpersonal Communications, I was introduced to the work of one of the top researchers in marriage and relationship health, Dr. John M. Gottman. Throughout my post college years, I have kept up with his research. He is most famous for developing a formula that accurately predicts divorce after observing a couple interact with one another for only five minutes!

Here I will describe Dr. John Gottman’s findings through his research on successful, happy couples, as written in his book, The Science of Trust.

1. Matches in Conflict Style

Most people fall into one of three conflict styles: validators, avoiders, and volatiles. If the ratio of positivity to negativity in conflicts was 5:1, the relationships were functional. However, mismatches in conflict style will increase risk of divorce. The mismatches usually mean one person wants the other to change, but that person is avoiding change. The researchers did not find any volatiles and avoiders matched. They speculate it’s because they don’t get past the courtship phase!

2. Dialogue With Perpetual Issues

Gottman discovered that only 31% of couples’ disagreements were resolvable! This means the majority of conflicts were about perpetual problems, which was attributed to personality differences (even among similar temperaments). While active listening seems like a good idea in theory, it almost never is practiced or works in real life settings, because if there is any negativity at all, the listener finds that hard to ignore and will usually react to it.

One of the biggest indicators for a successful relationship is having a “soft” start-up. This usually puts the pressure on women, since we are the ones who bring up issues in the relationship 80% of the time. The positive responses in these conflicts were from couples in relationships who used the gentler start-up. So remember to keep your sense of humor, and be sensitive to your beloved! Dialogue is necessary to avoid “gridlock” in conflicts, and remember, God created us uniquely, so rejoice in that!

3. Present Issues as Situational Joint Problems

Instead of blaming your spouse for your feelings of irritability and disappointment in the relationship, express how you feel, but then identify your needs. Be gentle in this conversation. Focus on what he or she is doing right, and acknowledge that first. Remember, you’re not perfect either, so don’t expect gratitude for your complaints.

4. Successful Repair Attempts

No one is perfect. After years of spending time with someone, you’re going to get on their nerves from time to time, and vice versa. This is actually a good thing! It helps us identify our areas of weakness beyond the shadow of a doubt, and remain humble through seeking correction.

Your goal in a relationship is not to avoid these conflict situations, or punish yourself when they happen, but rather process the damage done and make repair. This point of repair is so crucial. Saying sorry alone is never enough. Work with your spouse in identifying those areas where you strayed, apologize for those specifics, and ask what you can do to make it up to them.

I teach my daughters that for every offense they commit to one another, they must actively seek three to five good things to do in reparation for them. Repairs also help maintain the positive balance in the relationship.

5. Remaining Physiologically Calm During Conflict

Once adrenaline is flooding our bodies, we are rendered incapable of empathetic conversation. Learn techniques and skills to self-soothe. When you sense your temper rising, either take a break, or interject with some humor. Reach out to hold each other’s hands. Stop the negativity in its tracks. These skills will not only help you in your marriage, but they will help you as a parent when you teach your children positive methods of self-soothing.

6. Accept Influence From Your Spouse

Resist the pattern of turning down every request your husband and wife makes. Accepting influence means looking at your beloved’s point of view, and allowing their way, as long as it’s not immoral. This means stretching your comfort zone. So if your significant other asks for you to wake up early on a Saturday morning to pray in front of abortion clinic, for example, try it, instead of making excuses or backing down.

7. Building Friendship, Intimacy, and Positivity Affects Systems

This is where couples who practice Natural Family Planning have an advantage. There is already that regular built-in daily evaluation of how you’re going to spend your time together, and how you will show your love for one another. The issue isn’t whether you do love each other, but rather which way are you going to express it today? This just means keeping up the courtship all throughout marriage. Learn to love each other well. Keep a greater ratio of positivity to negativity. Start those habits now, and you’ll have a seamless transition into marriage.

My husband, Alex and I can attribute much of our success in marriage to prayer, regularly receiving the sacraments, and following these points in our relationship. After reading these points, maybe you’ll find an area that needs improvement in your own relationship. If you recognize these habits in your own relationship, congrats! Keep up the good work; you’re on the road to happily ever after.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

How Cell Phones Can Hurt Your Relationship

People tell me that they are not good at talking on the phone or face to face and so resort to texting. My question is, “What would you have done before cell phones?” Well, they would have developed their communicate skills and overcome their inability.

But that is not the case today. Unfortunately, it’s far too easy to become stunted, to not better ourselves, to hide behind a little screen, and to settle for virtual relationships rather than real ones. Many people are losing who they are in the world of social media. This video sums up the state of social media today.

Look Up

Texting does not help you to really know a person, but rather, only ‘about’ a person. You can know everything about a person but not really know them. Sometimes, they are very different people in person than behind a screen.

Remember the days when we used to actually call people on the phone to talk? Now we just send a quick text or 1000. People 14-24 years of age send an average of more than 3,500 texts a month (over 120 a day). Young adults, ages 25-34 average more than 2000 a month! Today, you can ask someone out, break up, break up again, argue for three hours, all via text messages. But, is this a good thing?

We used to have a Walkman, a video camera, a regular camera, a huge flashlight and a computer, but now, they’re all in one small cell phone. That’s great! With that being said, cell phones can and are stunting many people’s social skills, conversational skills, and especially their dating lives. We all have been guilty of relying on cell phones as a security blanket or a friend, but they shouldn’t hold us back from developing real relationships.

If you don’t know someone at a Bible study, a meeting, or a party, it’s easy to curl up in a corner and just scroll through Facebook for two hours without going out of your way to meet someone. Instead of breaking into a conversation and making friends, too many choose to stay on the outside and self-medicate on their phones.

There are countless great things cell phones can be used for in daily life. However, when they intrude into relationships or dating in a way that is hurtful, there is a problem. I’m sure there are many more ideas others can add below, but here are a few suggestions I came up with to help foster relationships rather than stunt them:

1. Have the courage to look someone in the eyes when you ask them out—or break up with them. If asking them out in person isn’t possible, at least do it over a phone call or Skype where you can have a real conversation. Don’t break up impersonally with someone via text, or worse, by avoiding them and hoping the problem goes away.

2. Never argue or have a deep intense conversation by text. If you find that starting to happen, just call the person and have a real conversation about the problem. Some claim it’s quicker just to text, but that’s not true; it’s usually a cop out. People sit there impersonally arguing with their significant other in groups, at parties, and even church gatherings when one phone call later on would do. They miss out on meeting people and making real friendships. In addition, there are no emotions over a screen. It’s too easy to interpret things differently than the person meant it. The point is, if you want to discuss something deep, or if you have an argument happening, do it in person or over the phone. That’s what a real relationship looks like, not a virtual one.

3. Make a decision not to check your phone on a date or while out to eat. Unless it’s an emergency, keep that time between you and your date special. Show the other person that they are more important than an incoming text, phone call, or Facebook notification.

4. Resist the urge to check your phone. If your date goes to the bathroom, for example, and you have a few minutes by yourself, resist the urge to check Facebook, email, or anything else. Consider praying instead. Think of things to talk about when he or she comes back. Contemplate the other person and how things are going. Think of ways to please him or her. Or, just be content to enjoy a few minutes of silence.

Let’s not be slaves to our phones. Let’s live more in the real world than the virtual one we create, and we will have better, more lasting relationships.

The Song: A Call to Unquenchable Love

“Even the wisest of men was a fool for love.”

Coming to theaters September 26, 2014, the music-driven film The Song tells a story of love, courtship, marriage, betrayal and redemption that will ring true to all viewers who have learned firsthand what Pope Francis told twenty brides and grooms on their wedding day: the path of marriage “is not always a smooth one … It is a demanding journey, at times difficult, and at times turbulent, but such is life!”

The drama of The Song centers on aspiring folk singer-songwriter Jed King, whom we meet as he struggles to make a name for himself and escape the shadow of his famous musician father, David. Jed reluctantly agrees to a gig at a local vineyard, where he meets the vineyard owner’s daughter, Rose. A romance quickly blossoms, and Jed and Rose are married. In the joy of the dawn after his wedding night, Jed writes “The Song” for his beloved new bride.

This tender love song becomes a surprising breakout hit, and Jed is thrust into the blinding lights of stardom. Temptation is quick on his heels in the form of his attractive touring partner, violinist Shelby Bale, who stokes his ego and challenges his old-fashioned devotion to his wife. As Jed’s popularity grows, his marriage and family life begin a slow, agonizing tailspin of unmet needs, blame, and mistrust, leading finally to a rock-bottom questioning of everything he once believed in: his wife, his faith, and the possibility of lifelong love.

For the viewer well-versed in Scripture, it will come as no surprise that The Song finds its inspiration in “the” song of Scripture, namely the Song of Songs attributed to Solomon. The ancient poetry of the Song of Songs takes on new life in Jed and Rose’s innocent courtship and joyful early marriage:

My lover speaks; he says to me, “Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come! For see, the winter is past, the rains are over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of pruning the vines has come. … Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one, and come!” (Song of Songs, 2:10-13)

You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride; you have ravished my heart with one glance of your eyes … How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride, how much more delightful is your love than wine! (Song of Songs, 4:9-10)

In fact, the film echoes not only the Song of Songs, but also Ecclesiastes, also attributed to Solomon. The Song treats Ecclesiastes as autobiographical, tracing Solomon’s later years of searching after meaning in a world filled with pleasure but bereft of true satisfaction. Indeed, as the stresses and tension of Jed’s fame and both spouses’ needs threaten to suffocate the joy of their married life, their malaise is aptly described in the words of Ecclesiastes: “Vanity of vanities, vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!” (Ecc. 1:2)

And as Jed seeks to fill his aching heart with popularity, novelty, women and wine, the words of Solomon ring bitingly true:

Nothing that my eyes desired did I deny them, nor did I deprive myself of any joy. … But when I turned to all the works that my hands had wrought, and to the toil at which I had taken such pains, behold! all was vanity and a chasing after wind. (Ecc. 2:10-11)

Such sentiments could easily be put on the lips of so many men and women today. The Song’s strength comes from focusing a fierce, unflinching eye on the suffering experienced by a husband and wife who lose the first joy of marriage, both by subtly “drifting apart” and by more forceful jolts of betrayal and infidelity. Undoubtedly many families will see themselves on the screen in the bewildering undertow of hurt caused by those closest to us, and a seeming inability to recover lost love.

But there is hope! Spoiler alert: The Song has a happy ending. (After all, it is a Christian film!) But the happy ending does not happen in a flip-a-switch-and-everything-is-better sort of way. It’s clear that even after escaping severe trials with their marriage intact, Rose and Jed have some major healing to do. The film is honest in this way too. The wounds inflicted by one’s spouse are not healed instantly, and trust needs to be slowly and resolutely rebuilt. But renewal is possible. The Song gives a realistic message of hope to struggling marriages: Hang in there! Rediscovering your beloved and your “first love” is possible, and it’s worth it!

In this too, The Song echoes Pope Francis’ encouragement to married couples:

To spouses who ‘have become impatient on the way’ and who succumb to the dangerous temptation of discouragement, infidelity, weakness, abandonment… To them too, God the Father gives his Son Jesus, not to condemn them, but to save them: if they entrust themselves to him, he will bring them healing by the merciful love which pours forth from the Cross.

The Song is cinematically impressive, musically enjoyable, and connects to the age-old longing of the human heart for true love and communion. It leaves another line from the Song of Songs in its wake, verses that remind husbands and wives of the rock-solid foundation of their married love:

For stern as death is love,
Relentless as the nether world is devotion;
Deep waters cannot quench love,
Nor floods sweep it away.
(Song of Songs, 8:6-7)

For more information about THE SONG visit The Song website.

The Beatitudes, Marriage, and Family

The Beatitudes, found in Matthew 5, are at the heart of Christ’s teachings. Like the rest of the Gospel, these words are meant to be lived out in our daily lives – including in our marriages and families. Pope Francis has preached a number of times on the significance of the Beatitudes in the Christian life, calling them a “program for holiness.” This series, originally published on the USCCB website Marriage: Unique for a Reason, explores the way that the Beatitudes can be lived in relationships between spouses and family members.

This series, originally published on Marriage: Unique for a Reason, is a guest contribution by a Dominican student brother who partially fulfilled his pastoral ministry assignment by serving as an intern in the USCCB’s Secretariat for Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth.

Seven Day Virtual Marriage Retreats

Looking for a way to enrich your marriage? Take one of our seven day virtual retreats! Each day for seven days, set aside some time for prayer. Read about the theme for the day, reflect on a real-life marriage scenario, and think about ways to strengthen your own marriage. End each mini-retreat by praying a prayer for married couples. If possible, do the retreat together with your spouse!

Marriage Retreat 2019: “Marriage: Made for a Reason”

This retreat will help you further reflect on what makes marriage unique as established by God, between a man and woman, as the basis for family and society. For a complete version of this retreat, click here. For a PDF version, click here.

Day One: Marriage: Made by God
Day Two: Marriage: Made for Love
Day Three: Marriage: Made for Each Other
Day Four: Marriage: Made for Life
Day Five: Marriage: Made for Freedom
Day Six: Marriage: Made for the Common Good
Day Seven: Marriage: Made for Eternity

In Español: El Matrimonio: Hecho por una Razón

Marriage Retreat 2018: “Marriage: School of Life and Love”

These reflections are drawn from a few magisterial documents: Mulieris Dignitatem, an apostolic letter on the dignity and vocation of women by Pope John Paul II (1988), Humanae Vitae, an encyclical by Pope Paul VI on the regulation of birth (1968), and Amoris Laetitia, the post-synodal apostolic exhortation by Pope Francis, as well as from the Catechism of the Catholic Church, and Sacred Scripture. For a complete version of this retreat, click here. For a PDF version, click here.

Day One: Marriage is a School of Life
Day Two: Marriage Lasts for Life
Day Three: Marriage Welcomes Life
Day Four: Marriage is a School of Love
Day Five: Marriage Reflects God’s Love
Day Six: Marriage Lives by God’s Law of Love
Day Seven: Marriage as a Domestic Church

Marriage Retreat 2017: “Amoris Laetitia” and “Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan”

This retreat is based on Pope Francis’s apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia (2016) and the USCCB pastoral letter Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan (2009). For a complete printable version of this retreat click here. For a PDF version, click here.

Day One: Marriage is a Blessing and a Gift
Day Two: Marriage is the Unique Union of a Man and a Woman
Day Three: Marriage is a Communion of Love and Life
Day Four: Marriage is a Sacrament of Christ’s Love
Day Five: Marriage is the Foundation of the Family and Society
Day Six: Marriage is a Journey of Human and Spiritual Growth
Day Seven: Marriage is a School of Love and Gratitude

Marriage Retreat 2016: “A Retreat with Pope Francis”

This retreat is based on advice from Pope Francis to married couples and families, given at his general weekly audiences. For a complete printable version of this retreat, click here.

Day One: Marriage is the Icon of God’s Love
Day Two: Christian Love is Concrete
Day Three: The Family is the Domestic Church
Day Four: Christ Gives Couples the Confidence to Say “Yes” Forever
Day Five: Three Pillars of the Spousal Relationship
Day Six: The Family as the Birthplace of Communicate and Love
Day Seven: Take Forward the Meaning of the Family

Marriage Retreat 2015: “Marriage and Mercy”

This retreat is an extended reflection on the theme of mercy. It was created during the Jubilee of Mercy in 2015. For a complete printable version of this retreat click here.

Day One: With Mercy, God Goes First
Day Two: Mercy and the Sacraments
Day Three: Mercy is Slow to Anger and Quick to Forgive
Day Four: Mercy and Tenderness
Day Five: Mercy and Patience
Day Six: Jesus Shows Us the Face of Mercy
Day Seven: Forgiveness in the Family

Patience: Key to a Lasting Marriage

“God, give me patience—right now!”

Most of us have probably said some version of that prayer. Perhaps we’re waiting for a wife to finish dressing when we’re already 20 minutes late. Or we find—again—a husband’s dirty socks and underwear on the floor instead of in the laundry basket.

When long-married couples are asked the recipe for marital success, many identify patience as a key ingredient. It’s the indispensable virtue for living together day after day in relative peace, without constant struggles to change the other to our liking.

Patience in marriage begins with the individual. Our daily routine gives us ample opportunity to practice patience: waiting at the drive-through window, teaching our child a soccer skill, or learning a new computer application. As we grow in patience outside the home, we bring the virtue into the home. Patience with co-workers and store clerks translates into patience with my spouse and children. Sometimes, the answer to the question “What have I done for my marriage today?” is “When I got caught in the traffic jam I used it as a chance to pray and think rather than fume.”

St. Francis de Sales reminds us that we must be patient with everyone, but especially with ourselves. Our faults and failings may tempt us to reproach ourselves harshly and give in to frustration, even despair. Instead, says St. Francis, we need to pick up and move on, trusting that God will help us to do better next time. If we learn to treat ourselves gently, we will be more likely to extend that same charity and understanding to our spouse.

Within marriage, patience means discerning what needs to be changed and what needs to be tolerated. On our wedding day we probably considered our spouse practically perfect—then we immediately set out to improve him or her. Of course, we quickly found out that he or she didn’t necessarily want to be improved. In fact, they probably had ideas for our own improvement!

Some behaviors and personal characteristics resist change. My husband always takes a long time to get ready, whether for work or a social engagement. I am directionally challenged, so I need repeated instructions about how to get from Point A to Point B. These traits are annoying, but neither of us is likely to change. We need to be patient with each other and learn to work around them.

Other behaviors need to be challenged for the good of the marriage. Patience can help to make the challenge effective. One evening, as Mary was paying the bills she found out that Tom had again charged too much to their credit cards. His reckless spending threatened their financial stability. Mary’s first impulse was to storm into the family room and confront Tom. Instead, she gave herself a couple days to calm down. She developed a strategy to hold both of them financially accountable. When she finally approached Tom, she chose a Saturday morning when they were well-rested and could hear what each other was saying.

Some behaviors, such as domestic violence, should never be tolerated. Abuse victims sometimes believe that if they are patient, the abuse will eventually end. Rather, abuse tends to escalate over time and only stops with outside intervention.

In addition to being patient with each other, couples need to be patient with the marriage itself. Healthy marriages grow and change. Social scientists point out that a couple can go through seven or more stages of marriage throughout a lifetime. Some stages hold excitement and promise: a child arrives or the couple moves into their dream home.

Inevitably, however, couples go through periods of disillusionment and boredom. They may find their spouse unappealing and wonder how they can ever spend the rest of their life with this person. Sometimes a couple may even consider divorce.

These stages, although difficult, are normal. With patience, a couple can work through them and emerge into the next stage with a deepened appreciation of each other and the marriage.

Like marriage itself, patience is the work of a lifetime. Each day brings a small opportunity to cultivate the virtue and to grow one’s marriage.

Loving – And Liking – Your Spouse

“I love my husband, but I don’t like him.” That’s a comment I often hear in my couples mediation practice and as a facilitator at a Fight Less, Love More couples course. Over the years, I discovered something interesting: Many people are kinder to strangers than they are to their spouses.

The “liking” feeling often diminishes as everyday job stress, parenting decisions, financial woes and child-induced sleep deprivation take over.

When overwhelmed by life, small things may seem like “the last straw,” and you might even wonder if you are married to the right person.

People assume that as an expert I have a perfect marriage. The truth is, I do have a happy marriage and I love my husband, but still, we have our good and bad days that strain the liking feeling. Conflict is normal for all couples, but how we choose to respond to it will either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

Here’s a revealing personal story:

One day, my husband told me he’d be home from work earlier than usual.

I put his early arrival time into my afternoon schedule so my then-2-year-old son and I would be home to greet him, and enjoy some playful “Daddy time.” When my husband’s designated arrival time passed, each additional minute pushed me into a worsening mood. At 50 minutes past his planned arrival, I was furious. Why wasn’t he here? Why wasn’t he answering his cell phone?

My husband showed up more than an hour after I expected him, displaying a freshly trimmed head of hair, smiling and acting like nothing had happened.

“So you got a haircut?” I asked.

“Yes, I had time today, so I figured, why not?”

That was it. I ripped into what seemed to me to be his thoughtless selfish behavior and the fight began.

But minutes later, reality hit. In our pre-child days, I would have been more understanding and explained how I felt about his late arrival. Now, with my energy drained, I acted as if his haircut was akin to finding out he cheated on me with his hairdresser.

Our Best Selves

We are our best selves early in our relationship. We show each other empathy, respect and patience. As time passes, we come to expect those things from our spouse, but we tend to extend them less and less. Use of the words “thank you” and “please” become sparse, replaced by words like “You have to…” and “Why didn’t you…”, which are set-up comments for a fight. So what can a person say to prevent such unnecessary battles?

The answer is to stop and ask yourself one question when you feel dissatisfaction and anger erupting: “What do I want my spouse to do differently next time?” In my situation, I wanted my husband to call me in advance to tell me that his plans had changed.

As soon as I realized my short-tempered mistake, I apologized, explained that I got angry because I value our time together and had planned around his early arrival, and most importantly, I asked for what I wanted (advance notice). Interestingly, my husband was flattered to learn that I was looking forward to his coming home early. Our five-minute conversation ended with the agreement that if his plans changed, he would call immediately. So my advice for couples who want to love-and-like their mate for a lifetime is: Don’t focus on the problem. Do focus on the solution to prevent it from recurring. A little wisdom makes a big difference.

About the Author
Laurie Puhn is a Harvard-trained lawyer, couples mediator, relationship communication expert and bestselling author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. She has partnered with Family Dynamics Institute to develop the Fight Less, Love More Course now offered throughout the United States and recommended as a resource for married couples on the USCCB website For Your Marriage. Click here for course information. Find Laurie online at fightlesslovemore.com.

What’s Your Idea of Fun?

If there is a rock wall to climb nearby, Bob will be there. Any snow-covered slope is a potential cross country ski run. Bike rides and a gym workout are his way to have fun. Christine, on the other hand, loves to use her free time to snuggle up with a good book or lie on the couch watching a movie. The word sweat is not in her vocabulary.

When they were dating Christine went along willingly with Bob on his adventures. The novelty of swimming by moonlight and sleeping in tents drew her to his sense of adventure and love of the outdoors. Bob enjoyed quiet nights of watching movies with Christine as a perfect way to have quality time with her.

Then they were married. Within the first year her schooling and part-time work and his demanding job made free time for recreation increasingly difficult. On weekends, she would curl up with a book and he would go to the gym.

By the second year of marriage, they were spending much of their leisure time apart. Bob was riding with a bicycling club and was on a regular basketball team. Christine joined a book club at their church and went to chick flicks with girlfriends. They had begun to lead separate recreational lives and had very little time to spend alone together having fun. Fun had moved out of the house and into separate little cubicles occupied with same sex friends.

One night during a heated disagreement, Christine angrily accused Bob of “not being very much fun anymore.” He made a counter-accusation saying all she wanted to do was “sit around” and he didn’t think that was much fun at all.

How to Deal With Different Interests

It is not unusual for couples to have differing interests and tastes in recreation – or in any other area of life for that matter. It’s true that opposites attract and what might have seemed exciting about a partner’s habits during courtship often feels frustrating after marriage. Having different interests has the advantage of putting variety in a relationship and keeping things from getting stale.

Like every couple who has promised to love and honor one another, Christine and Bob have the opportunity to bring their differences to the table and to create a common life together combining strengths and interests to form an “us.” Such a partnership is a great enterprise, but not an easy one. A strong marriage requires both spouses to develop new ways of doing things while maintaining their own unique individuality. Couples can begin by doing what every successful partnership has done.

1. Build on strengths

Bob and Christine can begin by affirming each other. That means a word of encouragement or congratulations when a game is won or a book completed. It means asking about the movie’s theme or the game’s strategy allowing the other to share his or her excitement and interest. It’s easy to resent the play time of our partner when we are not involved, but resentment will only poison the partnership and distance the spouses from each other. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

2. Name the problem

Effective partnerships face problems head on. Couples need to recognize and name the tension that is brewing. Issues that silently cause couples to drift apart lead to alienation and divorce. It’s an elephant in the room. Naming it gives Christine and Bob the power to change the situation. Discussing how to solve the problem begins with each partner showing a desire to share fun activities and to make compromises. It’s most effective to name the problem without accusations and to honestly talking about feelings and hopes for the future. If each spouse knows that the other is willing to sacrifice for the common good, it’s easier to find a workable compromise.

3. Plan for solutions

Like any strong partnership, a couple’s relationship has to have a plan for change. Bob and Christine need to make a plan to find new ways of deepening their friendship by having fun together. Compromise and negotiation are the rules for planning. Perhaps that means going to a hockey game one weekend and a movie the next. Or, when finances are limited, options might include playing cards or electronic games at home together or with another couple. Both spouses will have to give up some individual time in order to have joint recreational time.

4. Evaluate and start again

Partnership solutions are often found by trial and error. If one thing doesn’t work, smart partners try another. Because marriage is a covenant, there is no walking away from problems. Sources of help include advice from other couples, a book by marriage experts, or a marriage counseling.

Relaxation and play time strengthen friendship and contribute to marital bonding. In the vocation of Christian marriage husband, wife, and God are meant to share a holy unity – a “partnership of love and life.” That partnership includes the couple and God who is present within the challenges and joys of everyday life. In addressing their differences, Bob and Christine are bound to practice forgiveness, self-sacrifice, humility, and willingness to compromise for love. Doing that will make them better partners for each other and with God.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage, Loyola Press, 2008.