Tag Archives: Drugs and Alcohol

When Unemployment Hits Home: Seven Ways to Help Your Marriage

“It could be any couple.”

That’s the answer you’ll get if you ask a family counselor to describe the “typical couple” who comes looking for help because of unemployment.

A husband and wife may come because they need assistance reconfiguring the family budget. Because they have to learn to live with less. Because this has affected their sex life. Because they fight over what the children should give up and how to say “‘no” to their sons and daughters. Because a wife resents that she now must be the family’s bread-winner. Because a husband feels he no longer has what it takes to “be a man,” to be the family’s main provider.

They may come because the stress of unemployment has led to depression or illness. To alcohol or drug abuse. To anger or violence. To a combination that’s unique to a couple’s own particular circumstances—to their strengths and weakness both as individuals and as a couple.

They may come because they see that their marriage is crumbling and may not survive.

Sadly, some marriages don’t.

“Divorce happens. Absolutely,” noted Sarah Griffin, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who has a private practice and also works for the Seattle Archdiocese’s Catholic Community Services in Everett, Washington. “Problems build up. Resentment builds up. They thought they were in this for love or at least what they thought love was. But love is more than a feeling. It’s a decision.”

Unemployment can leave an individual—and a couple—feeling overwhelmed, powerless, frightened. In a word, crushed. Yes, the partner looking for work can follow all the recommended steps for landing that next job but in the meantime…the meantime can be a long time.

The good news is that both husband and wife can make positive decisions that can ultimately strengthen their marriage. Here are seven ways to help your marriage when a spouse is unemployed.

1. The unemployed spouse, Griffin said, can choose to accept that things are the way they are. He or she can let go of the misguided but understandable belief that “my life has to be the way things were, or nothing is OK.” Perhaps they need to accept that the new job may not be as good as the one that’s been lost.

2. The employed spouse can remember to let the out-of-work spouse continue to have the same role he or she has always had when it comes to making family decisions. (Griffin pointed out that “those decisions are usually around money.”). He or she can avoid making the out-of-work spouse feel (even more) guilty about the loss of a second income by not fixating on “What are we going to do now!”

3. Both can keep in mind that with loss comes grief. “Losses can be devastating,” Griffin noted, “and being laid off is a primary loss.” A new loss like unemployment can bring up old losses that haven’t been dealt with, she added.

4. They can keep an eye out for signs or symptoms that they need outside help. A tip-off, said Griffin, is a “situation or emotions that interfere with your daily life. You can’t get out of bed in the morning. You can’t make it through the day. The two of you can’t stop arguing.”

5. They can seek help from both informal sources (such as wise and trusted friends or family members) and professional ones (including private counselors, counseling services, or programs made available through a parish or diocese).

6. They can notice and appreciate that, in the middle of all this turmoil, there may well be some positives. A formerly two-income family may not be able to afford day care anymore, but now the family doesn’t need day care. A dad may be surprised to discover he really enjoys being home with the kids. (Not that it’s easier than heading out every day to a job!) Now he gets to know them, and they get to know him, in ways that wouldn’t have happened without his unemployment. A couple that has talked about, and seriously considered, simplifying the family’s lifestyle can realize that now there’s both a perfect excuse to do just that–and little option to do otherwise.

7. They can see how their religious faith is helping them through this and they can trust that it will continue to do so. In Griffin’s experience as a counselor, “any issue with a faith-based couple is easier.” Why? “I imagine it’s because they know there’s a Higher Power who cares about them, whom they can pray to,” she said. “A Christian marriage is very, very different from a secular one. There’s a different language that includes things like ‘this happened for a reason’ and ‘I can pray about this.’”

And what a difference—what an ongoing blessing and source of grace and strength—that can be, in good times and in bad.

About the author 
Bill Dodds is a long-time writer for Catholic publications whose latest novels are “Pope Bob” and “My Great-Grandfather Turns 12 Today.”

Drug Use Can Ruin a Marriage

Famous Last Words: “Mom, I can change him.”

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right is hard enough. You finally locate someone who shares your interests, who’s attractive, sympathetic, enjoys being with you. There’s only one problem: He (or she) uses drugs. Maybe it’s just once or twice a month; maybe it’s every weekend, or every day. No one’s perfect, you say to yourself; everyone has a least one weakness.

Should you get married to a drug user? No one but you can make that decision. But before you make it, here are some things to consider.

Most drug users, especially the heavy users, have one great love: their addiction. The more they get into drugs, the more time and effort they put into feeding their addiction. Life becomes a cycle: finding drugs, using them, and acquiring the means to use more. Love of family–and time for family activities–take a distant second place to love of drugs.

Employment, Finances and Drugs

Most drug users are poor providers. Many are unemployed. But even those who are employed full-time have far higher job turnover rates than non-users, according to a 2007 study from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. In fact, drug users are more than twice as likely as non-users to have worked for three or more employers in just a year’s time.

It’s hard to keep a job when you’re on drugs. And for drug users, good jobs are harder to find. A 2003 PBS documentary reported that virtually all of the Fortune 500 companies require drug tests before they hire new workers. They also conduct random drug tests on their existing employees. Drugs and work don’t mix.

Drugs cost money, lots of it. The money paid for drugs comes from funds that would ordinarily go to feeding, sheltering and clothing a family, paying for the children’s education, and for all the other expenses of raising a family. And the drug-related expenses go beyond the cost of the drugs themselves. Overdoses, drug-related illnesses, traffic accidents caused by drugs: these are just some of the things that put people in hospital emergency rooms. If your spouse is “between jobs,” as many drug users are, chances are good, unless you have health insurance yourself, that you’ll be paying for all this medical treatment out of pocket.

There’s a strong relationship between drugs and crime. Some of it comes from the search for money to buy drugs. But a lot of violent crime comes from people doing things under the influence of drugs that they would never consider doing when sober. Unfortunately, much of that crime takes place within the home itself. There are many stories of drug-related abuse.

Drug Use Affects the Whole Family

One story that captured the headlines some years ago involved a Manhattan lawyer who threw his six-year-old daughter against a wall and then sat in front of the girl, smoking cocaine with his companion, a book editor and author, while the girl lapsed into a coma and eventually died. When police arrived at the apartment, they also found a 17-month- old boy, soaked in urine, encrusted with dirt, tethered by rope to a filthy playpen. Why would two such intelligent people be so heedless and reckless in their behavior unless their minds were messed up with drugs?

Drug users and their families develop a whole new group of friends: the wrong ones. These new friends, and the things they do, are all part of the drug culture: fellow pot smokers, crack cocaine addicts, heroin dealers, prison cell mates – not to mention the self-rationalizations, the lies to family, friends and employers, shoplifting, stealing from parents, the street robberies, prostitution, emergency room visits, and frequently death.

Too often, the whole family gets sucked into the drug culture: ten-year-olds who get sent by their mothers out into the streets to buy crack; six-year-olds who are burned to death when their parents’ jerry-rigged methamphetamine labs explode. Some experiment with drugs thinking they’ll escape the demands of life, and then often realize they’ve found a new way of life, one far worse then they ever imagined – and one they find it impossible to escape. And too often they bring their families along with them.

Once you start, it’s tough to stop. Avram Goldstein, a medical doctor and Professor Emeritus of Pharmacology at Stanford University, put it this way in his book, “Addiction”: “There is some truth in the saying ‘Once an addict, always an addict.’ The formerly addicted person has drug-related memories and experiences not shared by those who have never been addicted. And these – under the right conditions – can trigger a relapse.” Consider all the Hollywood stars and sports stars who have been in and out of rehab facilities. Even if their efforts are successful, people in rehab give up their prime years – years when they could be focusing on building a career and raising families.

Can you change him (or her)? Anything is possible. But before you take the plunge, give some serious thought to the kind of life you aspire to – and just as importantly, what kind of future you’d like your children to have.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.

Marijuana: What Every Parent Should Know

How likely is it that my child will use marijuana?

Marijuana use is widespread, especially among teens. Each year, the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan conducts an extensive survey of 8th, 10th, and 12th graders. The 2008 survey found that by the 12th grade, 43 percent of the students had tried marijuana, 19 percent had used it in the month preceding the survey, and five percent used it every day.

When should I start worrying about it?

Earlier than you might think. According to Dr. Karen Miotto, a professor at the UCLA School of Medicine and former director of its Alcoholism and Addiction Medicine Service, “kids are starting to experiment with marijuana at ages 10 or 11.” But the most important years come when the child leaves middle school for high school, says Joseph Califano, Jr., head of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. Fourteen-year olds are three times more likely to be offered marijuana than 13-year olds, he says.

Is marijuana harmful?

Marijuana has both short-term and long-term effects. Like alcohol, it can affect concentration and slow down reaction times. That’s an especially serious problem for teenage drivers at a time in their lives when they are experimenting behind the wheel. Traces of marijuana tend to linger in the body for several days. Those who use it only occasionally may be under the false impression they have “sobered up,” even though their reaction times continue to be affected.

Marijuana also affects short-term memory, making it more difficult to handle complex tasks, study, and learn, a serious problem for teenagers who should be developing the learning habits and working skills that will prepare them for their adult responsibilities.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, those who use marijuana frequently can develop “amotivational syndrome,” leading to problems including “not caring about what happens in their lives, no desire to work regularly, fatigue, and a lack of concern about how they look.” Dr. Richard N. Rosenthal of Columbia University recently put it this way: “The people who become chronic users don’t have the same lives and the same achievements as people who don’t use chronically.”

Can my child become addicted to marijuana?

According to a 1999 study of the Institute of Medicine cited in The News York Times, only nine percent of the people who used marijuana became addicted. (By comparison, 17 percent become addicted to cocaine and 23 percent to heroin.)

On the other hand, today’s marijuana can be as much as five times more potent than the product of the 1970s. “Now that people have access to very high potency marijuana, the game is different,” Dr. Nora D. Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, told the Times. There was a time, she says, when “people thought cocaine was a very benign drug.” With marijuana, she added, “it’s going to take some real fatalities for people to pay attention.” One 50-year old man interviewed by the Times said that he had kicked heroin and cocaine, but still couldn’t kick marijuana.

Does using marijuana necessarily lead kids to harder drugs?

Whether marijuana is a “gateway drug” is a source of some contention. One study by Columbia University’s Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, found that “children who use marijuana are 85 times more likely to use cocaine than non-marijuana users.”

But Dr. Alan J. Budney, a professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at the University of Vermont, sees the “gateway” concept as confusing. He says that “99 percent of cocaine or heroin users have smoked pot. So in some ways it is a precursor. The other side of that is that 85 percent of people who smoke pot only smoke pot.”

Yet if 85 percent don’t graduate to harder drugs, that means that 15 percent (or one out of seven) do. So it might be likened to a game of Russian Roulette with an old pistol whose barrel has seven chambers and one bullet. Experimenting with marijuana won’t necessarily lead to harder drugs, but it’s an experiment with an unacceptably high degree of risk.

How do I know if my kids are using it?

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) offers some warning signs that your child may be using marijuana. Signs that he or she may be high include dizziness and trouble walking; becoming silly and giggly for no apparent reason; having very red, bloodshot eyes; and having a hard time remembering things that just happened.

Some behavioral signs of marijuana use include withdrawal, depression, and fatigue; hostility toward family and friends; changes in academic performance and loss of interest in sports. Of course, as NIDA points out, behavioral changes can simply be a sign of difficulties with adolescence.

Parents should also be aware of such things as signs of drugs and drug paraphernalia, including pipes and rolling papers; odor on clothes and in the bedroom; and clothing, posters, jewelry and other objects promoting drug use.

Finally, know your kids’ friends. They are the ones most likely to initiate them into drug use.

Is there anything I can do to prevent my children from using marijuana?

You are the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs. A 2000 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help?

  • First, become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. Your kids most likely know much more about the current drug scene than you do, and you need to speak to them with the authority that knowledge brings.
  • Second, discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. Know the arguments for and against. This may be the most important debate you will ever have. The best place to discuss the subject is the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids.
  • Third, be a role model for your kids. When it comes to using any addictive substance, legal or otherwise, nothing speaks louder than your own good example.

Where can I read more about marijuana and its effects on kids?

A number of sites on the internet can provide you with all the factual information you will need to discuss the subject with your children. Here are three sites that you may find helpful:

White House Office of National Drug Control Policy

The National Institute on Drug Abuse

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked at the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004

Addictions

If you or your spouse in the past month has taken a drink first thing in the morning to help you recover from a hangover you may be dealing with an addiction problem. There are other possible symptoms, as well. For instance, as a person with an alcohol addiction you may have gotten home from a party in one piece, and even though your car went up on the lawn a bit, you were able to park it and get into the house. But if you don’t know how that scratch on the rear bumper got there, you are showing addiction symptoms.

You may tell yourself, “It must have been someone else who did that” but this is part of your denial. Maybe you say, “What’s the big deal, almost all of my friends are serious drinkers. They drink way more than I ever do.” Such rationalizations also indicate a problem. Most people with an alcohol problem will report that they know exactly how much they drink each night, although they usually low ball the number. They may say, “It’s not even the hard stuff, it’s only wine or a couple of beers.” If your wife or husband complains about it, you write it off as just so much nagging.

If any of this is familiar, or if you or someone close to you thinks you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, most likely you do. If you have a loved one who has this problem you need to get help. Substance abuse and addictions do not disappear; rather, they only get worse when left untreated. Substance abuse, which includes alcohol addiction, is a major problem in the United States, and it is a major source of marital breakups and family problems. It affects all the members of the family, not just the one abusing drugs or alcohol.

Individuals with alcohol or other substance addictions have a distorted sense of reality. They will justify hiding their addiction from family and friends. They might even explain that they drink or escape through drugs to deal with a spouse who makes life difficult, or because they have a stressful job, or their children are such problems.

When their addiction worsens – and it will – they will tell say that the police were unjustified when they got the DUI, or that this really was just a one-time fluke. Even when they begin to have blackouts- memory lapses due to the intoxication- they are able to deny this to you and to themselves.

In addition to the person with the addiction, there is often a spouse who suffers from co-dependency. One of definitions of co-dependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. A co-dependent person tries to control everything within the relationship- but can’t.

“Recovery” for co-dependent spouses comes when they eventually address their own needs instead of tolerating mistreatment or trying to rescue their spouse. Whether the addictive behavior is relatively minor or more serious, often it is the co-dependent spouse who starts the recovery process by first addressing his or her own need for assertiveness plus improving listening and communication skills. Counseling can bring awareness of dysfunctional behaviors, and help the couple develop new, healthier coping skills.

The denial that accompanies an addiction is a family problem because it often includes the spouse as well. Spouses may cover up for their partner, make excuses, call in to an employer and say he/she is sick when it is really a hangover. They will overlook the fender bender accident. Most of all they tolerate the lack of physical and emotional availability from their spouse due to their “affair” with drugs or alcohol.

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as A.A., and the other 12-Step programs are a great resource. Meetings are held morning, noon and night. Individuals get the support of a sponsor- someone who has gone through the process of recovery and lives their life fully. These people are models of living a life of sobriety. For the spouse of someone with an addiction, as well as for their children, there are Al-anon and Narconon meetings. They support and encourage, and help the co-dependent spouse to stop the ways that he or she may have inadvertently been enabling the addicted person.

With the emergence of the internet, sexual addictions have become an even greater problem. Sexual addictions can range from masturbation to pornographic magazines and videos, to infidelity and paying for sex. It may even be as pathological as breaking into apartments and raping unsuspecting residents. This stage of sexual addiction requires major intervention and usually results in criminal charges as well. Whatever the magnitude of sexual addiction, the one thing all have in common is that the need for sex is more important than the addict’s feelings for his/her spouse.

Addictions are often ruinous to a marriage if they are allowed to continue. They are compulsive behaviors that are usually fueled by deeply seated anger or fear of intimacy. You might be married to a person who was shamed in early childhood. They might have had poor or no sexual education, experienced a parent that sexually acted out, or had serious childhood trauma. They may be a victim of incest or sexual abuse. Sexual acting out in these compulsive ways, as well as other addictions, often indicate emotional pain. They are also used as a substitute for true intimacy.

Treatment often takes the form of individual, marital, and group therapy. Key tasks for recovery include, first and foremost, breaking through the denial. Sometimes this requires that the co-dependent spouse first break his or her own denial and also learn about the addiction process and how one goes about establishing sobriety. Then it is a matter of getting the addict/alcoholic to start a treatment plan. For many, A.A. or N.A. can be an effective solution. For others it can be the starting point in combination with therapy.

Sometimes it is necessary to create an intervention. This is a well-prepared and pre-planned meeting with a professional counselor, family, friends, and perhaps colleagues from work who meet with the addicted person. The participants confront the person with the addiction and the consequences that the addicted behaviors are having on the family, friends and workplace. Usually there is a pre-arranged treatment plan that may include an initial hospital phase, either as an in-patient or outpatient. Hospitalization may be necessary for those who have serious drug or alcohol dependency problems and who need a detoxification first step. Professionals can provide more information. After this initial phase of treatment, it is a matter of establishing sobriety and creating a healthier environment to support continued sobriety. This phase is not easy, as there may be setbacks. This is where 12-Step programs are particularly valuable in reinforcing motivation.

Couple therapy is also an essential part of recovery. A spouse may not be able to recognize the need for his or her involvement, but recovery is much more successful when both spouses are involved. If the addicted person attends A.A., and the spouse possibly attends Al-anon meetings, plus they receive marriage counseling, the marital relationship is more likely to stabilize and the couple can work through the trauma they experienced from the addicted partner’s behaviors. There is also Retrouvaille, a program for married couples who are hurting. It is not specifically for addictions, but it does assist any couple that has experienced a major disillusionment.

With addictions comes the need for reconciliation and forgiveness for the damage caused in the marriage. With help, hard work, and the right kind of support, many couples are able to heal their marriage and create a new and healthier marital life- something they could not have imagined while in the midst of their crisis. With time, patience, and persistence trust can be restored and a new level of intimacy reached. By moving beyond the initial denial and earnestly working each recovery step, a couple can heal and reclaim a life a sobriety from addictive behaviors.

RESOURCES:

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Al-anon is for spouses, children, parents, or close friends of alcoholics or teens dealing with alcohol problems.

Narconon is a non-profit drug rehabilitation program dedicated to eliminating drug abuse and drug addiction.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use or Addiction (list of support groups, help for parents, and more)

Celebrate Recovery: A Christ-Centered Recovery Program

The Calix Society: An association of recovering Catholic alcoholics, their family and friends, with an emphasis on spiritual activities

Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi with a long i) means “rediscovery.” It consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over three months. The main emphasis is on communication between husband and wife. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussion on the weekend.

The Third Option is a group program for marriages. It combines 14 unique skill-building workshops, sharing by mentor couples who have overcome marital problems, and support groups. Because it uses a “self-change” model, one spouse may come alone.

About the author
Donald J. Paglia, MS, CAGS, is the Co-Director of the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Hartford.

Give Your Kids a Life: Keep Them Off Drugs

There’s been a big change in peoples’ attitudes about using marijuana, and it’s a change that may affect parents all over America. One recent poll discovered that 46 percent of Americans support legalizing small amounts for personal use. That’s more than twice the percentage the pollsters found 12 years ago when they last asked the same question. By early 2009, 13 states had legalized marijuana sales to people with doctors’ prescriptions, and the U.S. Justice Department recently announced that it would no longer conduct raids on distributors of medical marijuana in those states.

What does this trend mean for parents? If the nation’s drug laws are eased, if law enforcement pulls back, that will shift most of the responsibility for keeping kids off drugs to parents.

It’s been said that fighting drug use is a three-legged stool: prevention programs to caution kids about experimenting with drugs; law enforcement programs to stop the sale of drugs; and treatment programs to help those who fall through the cracks. If drug enforcement laws are repealed, that will leave it up to prevention and treatment. And when it comes to drug use, there’s an old saying that is true in so many areas of life: “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”

One father, a magazine editor, discovered the truth in that old saying when his son, Nic, started using marijuana at 12 years old and then graduated to powdered and crack cocaine, Ecstasy, heroin, and to what became his favorite drug, crystal methamphetamine. In 2005, the father, David Sheff, wrote a best-selling book, Beautiful Boy, about the effects of Nic’s drug use and his frequent attempts at rehabilitation and subsequent relapses.

Nic Sheff recently told CNN that fourteen years after first experimenting with pot, he’s still trying to beat his addiction to methamphetamine. “I am isolated, alone, disgusted with everything and, most especially, myself,” he said, adding that he suffered from “bouts of wanting to throw myself off a tall building.”

The Sheff’s stories are a good object lesson for parents with kids who are coming of age. The bad news is that kids start early today. Twenty percent of kids have experimented with illegal drugs by the eighth grade; by the time they reach the twelfth grade, roughly half of all kids have used illegal drugs.

The important years are the teen years. The good news is that if you can keep your kids off drugs until they are 21, you are virtually assured that they will never use them. That means that kids are at risk for almost an entire decade, and most of those years are spent home with the family.

If your kids reach 21 without using drugs, they will have had the opportunity to spend the most important years of their lives preparing for productive work and for building the kind of character they will need to lead their own families. On the other hand, if your kids slip into drug addiction, there’s a good chance they will spend the most important years of their lives, like Nic Sheff, in and out of drug treatment, focused on merely staying clean rather than preparing for life.

What can you do to keep your kids off drugs? When it comes to drugs, you may think that the main influences on kids are the movies they see, the songs they hear, and the friends they keep. There’s some truth in that. But surveys show that you are the most the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs.

A 2002 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that many parents thought they had little influence in steering their kids away from drugs. But the teens themselves told the researchers otherwise. In a 2000 survey, for example, the Center had found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help? Here are two suggestions that should guide your efforts. The first suggestion is to become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. If half the kids in twelfth grade have experimented with drugs, your kids are in effect surrounded by the drug culture.

How do you find solid information you can use to talk with your kids about drugs? There are two good places to start. One is The Partnership for a Drug-Free America, a private group of communications professionals dedicated to helping teens reject drug abuse. Another is the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy, which features links to web sites that offer good advice and information.

The second suggestion is to discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. The best place to discuss the subject is the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids. The dinner table is often the one occasion each day that brings together the whole family. The Center at Columbia found that teens who ate family dinners infrequently were three times more likely to use marijuana than those who had family dinners five or more times a week.

How do you bring up the issue? There are many things that can be used to initiate a conversation, such as drug-related incidents that happen at school, pop stars who enter rehab, or news accounts of accidents involving drugs.

How responsible are you for the decisions your teenage kids make? David Sheff looked back on his son’s addictions and wondered what more he could have done to keep his son away from drugs. Drug counselors, he said, tell parents that it’s not their fault. “But who among us,” he wrote, “doesn’t believe that we could have done something differently that would have helped?”

In the end, what counts will be the decisions your kids make. But if you choose to make the commitment of time and energy it takes to influence that important decision, you will have done all you can do to help your kids find their way to happy, productive, drug-free lives.

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004.