Tag Archives: Dating & Engaged

Old Testament Readings

There are 9 options from the Old Testament for the first reading at a Nuptial Mass.  The readings can be found in their entirety on this page, along with some commentary to offer context and highlight some of the prominent themes in each passage. We encourage you to spend time in prayer with your fiancé/e to choose the reading which best speaks to your hopes and dreams for your Christian marriage.

  1. Male and female he created them (Genesis 1:26-28, 31a)
  2. The two of them become one body (Genesis 2:18-24)
  3. In his love for Rebekah, Isaac found solace after the death of his mother (Genesis 24:48-51, 58-67)
  4. May the Lord of heaven prosper you both. May he grant you mercy and peace (Tobit 7:6-14)
  5. Allow us to live together to a happy old age (Tobit 8:4b-8)
  6. The woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 31:10-13, 19-20, 30-31)
  7. Stern as death is love (Song of Songs 2:8-10, 14, 16a; 8:6-7a)
  8. Like the sun rising in the Lord’s heavens, the beauty of a virtuous wife is the radiance of her home (Sirach 26:1-4, 13-16)
  9. I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah (Jeremiah 31:31-32a, 33-34a)

1. Male and female he created them.

A reading from the Book of Genesis 1:26-28, 31a

Then God said:
“Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.
Let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
the birds of the air, and the cattle,
and over all the wild animals
and all the creatures that crawl on the ground.”
God created man in his image;
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
God blessed them, saying:
“Be fertile and multiply;
fill the earth and subdue it.
Have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air,
and all the living things that move on the earth.”
God looked at everything he had made, and he found it very good.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
The Bible’s first book, Genesis, contains not one, but two episodes of creation. They offer differing details, and each contains unique riches. In this offering from the first chapter, human life is the crowning jewel of all cosmic things, made on the sixth day after the earth, sky, water, plants, and animals. Male and female are created at the same time and bear God’s Triune image (v. 26, “Let us make man…”). Made in the image of the creating God, men and women are to participate with God to bring about more life (vs. 28 “be fertile and multiply”). Yet this gift of giving life is intertwined with the gift of prudent stewardship. In this first creation story, God creates out of chaos by ordering it properly. Spouses are called to do the same. Filling the earth with life comes with the responsibility to subdue it (vs. 28), or discipline, calm, and cultivate it. This applies foremost though not exclusively to children, and then towards all life on earth. Peace in societies today begins with spouses participating in God’s desire of ordered harmony among all living things.

This text is used every year to begin the Easter Vigil. It is an elaborate nighttime feast celebrating powerful change and new spiritual life for those who are initiated into the Church. At a wedding, this reading signals the new realities and spiritual life that flow from marriage. New life, seen and unseen, will abound for married couples who view their relationship as a mirror of God’s ongoing act of creation.

2. The two of them become one body.

A reading from the Book of Genesis 2:18-24

The Lord God said: “It is not good for the man to be alone.
I will make a suitable partner for him.”
So the Lord God formed out of the ground
various wild animals and various birds of the air,
and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them;
whatever the man called each of them would be its name.
The man gave names to all the cattle,
all the birds of the air, and all wild animals;
but none proved to be the suitable partner for the man.
So the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the man,
and while he was asleep,
he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.
The Lord God then built up into a woman the rib
that he had taken from the man.
When he brought her to the man, the man said:
“This one, at last, is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
This one shall be called ‘woman,’
for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother
and clings to his wife,
and the two of them become one body.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
This second version of creation is vastly different from the first. God creates man first, and then the birds, wild animals, and other life forms – the very opposite from the previous account. Yet even with an abundance of natural life surrounding the man, something fundamental is lacking. This passage highlights the importance of human relationships, and the need for a strong society – one that begins with men and women in committed, mutually loving relationships.

As Catholics we do not look to the Bible’s creation story for biological truths. Physicians attest that men and women have equal pairs of ribs. (In an ancient language, one word meant both “rib” and “life.”) From the ‘man’ comes ‘wo-man’. This passage leads one to ponder a deeper, spiritual truth. Between men and women there is an intimate connectedness, radical unity and kinship, as well as sexual attraction. When the two come together, especially in the sacredness of marriage, their connection is so life-giving, that all other relationships are secondary – even the link to parents who initially provided life. This passage is a biblical meditation on the more contemporary phrase that one’s spouse is “my soul mate.”

3. In his love for Rebekah, Isaac found solace after the death of his mother.

A reading from the Book of Genesis 24:48-51, 58-67

The servant of Abraham said to Laban:
“I bowed down in worship to the Lord,
blessing the Lord, the God of my master Abraham,
who had led me on the right road
to obtain the daughter of my master’s kinsman for his son.
If, therefore, you have in mind to show true loyalty to my master,
let me know;
but if not, let me know that, too.
I can then proceed accordingly.”
Laban and his household said in reply:
“This thing comes from the Lord;
we can say nothing to you either for or against it.
Here is Rebekah, ready for you;
take her with you,
that she may become the wife of your master’s son,
as the Lord has said.”
So they called Rebekah and asked her,
“Do you wish to go with this man?”
She answered, “I do.”
At this they allowed their sister Rebekah and her nurse to take leave,
along with Abraham’s servant and his men.
Invoking a blessing on Rebekah, they said:
“Sister, may you grow
into thousands of myriads;
And may your descendants gain possession
of the gates of their enemies!”
Then Rebekah and her maids started out;
they mounted their camels and followed the man.
so the servant took Rebekah and went on his way.
Meanwhile Isaac had gone from Beer-lahai-roi
and was living in the region of the Negeb.
One day toward evening he went out . . . in the field,
and as he looked around, he noticed that camels were approaching.
Rebekah, too, was looking about, and when she saw him,
she alighted from her camel and asked the servant,
“Who is the man out there, walking through the fields toward us?”
“That is my master,” replied the servant.
Then she covered herself with her veil.
The servant recounted to Isaac all the things he had done.
Then Isaac took Rebekah into his tent;
he married her, and thus she became his wife.
In his love for her Isaac found solace
after the death of his mother Sarah.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
This text is but a piece of a larger story riddled with challenged relationships, unlikely children, and unforeseen circumstances. Key to the story is Abraham’s total faith that God will provide and guide. Abraham had left his homeland. Landing in Canaan at a very old age, his barren wife Sarah remarkably gives birth to their son, Isaac. When Sarah dies, Abraham looks to give Isaac a wife.

This snippet from that story appears to be a pre-arranged marriage, but a second consideration of the text reveals a marriage made by God. Abraham’s main intent is not to pick his son’s wife. Instead, he seeks the fulfillment of a promise made by God to give Abraham descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky. This reading from Genesis’ 24th chapter begins with verse 48. Previously in the chapter Abraham exhorted his servant Laban to pray to the Lord God, who had blessed him in all things (vs. 1). Prayer helps to verify that this process is done with God. Laban prays to be guided to the right young woman. Rebekah’s consent in the matter (vs. 58) verifies that she is participating in God’s will, not some coercive act. Isaac’s newfound comfort further confirms all this is God’s handiwork. Isaac does not merely accept her. He took her into his tent. He loved her, and they married.

The Catholic Rite of Marriage steers clear of any hint of arranged marriages. Like this passage from Genesis, the bride and groom first declare their own freedom and consent to marry before exchanging vows. Parents are not questioned. The rite does not envision anyone “giving the bride away.” In the eyes of the Church, both bride and groom are free individuals who have discerned their love is from God. For this reason, the Church directs that the entrance begin with the priest at the doors of the church greeting the bride and the groom, showing that the Church shares in their joy.

4. May the Lord of heaven prosper you both. May he grant you mercy and peace.

A reading from the Book of Tobit 7:6-14

Raphael and Tobiah entered the house of Raguel and greeted him.
Raguel sprang up and kissed Tobiah, shedding tears of joy.
But when he heard that Tobit had lost his eyesight,
he was grieved and wept aloud.
He said to Tobiah:
“My child, God bless you!
You are the son of a noble and good father.
But what a terrible misfortune
that such a righteous and charitable man
should be afflicted with blindness!”
He continued to weep in the arms of his kinsman Tobiah.
His wife Edna also wept for Tobit;
and even their daughter Sarah began to weep.
Afterward, Raguel slaughtered a ram from the flock
and gave them a cordial reception.
When they had bathed and reclined to eat,
Tobiah said to Raphael, “Brother Azariah,
ask Raguel to let me marry my kinswoman Sarah.”
Raguel overheard the words;
so he said to the boy:
“Eat and drink and be merry tonight,
for no man is more entitled to marry my daughter Sarah
than you, brother.
Besides, not even I have the right to give her to anyone but you,
because you are my closest relative.
But I will explain the situation to you very frankly.
I have given her in marriage to seven men,
all of whom were kinsmen of ours,
and all died on the very night they approached her.
But now, son, eat and drink.
I am sure the Lord will look after you both.”
Tobiah answered, “I will eat or drink nothing
until you set aside what belongs to me.”
Raguel said to him: “I will do it.
She is yours according to the decree of the Book of Moses.
Your marriage to her has been decided in heaven!
Take your kinswoman
from now on you are her love,
and she is your beloved.
She is yours today and ever after.
And tonight, son, may the Lord of heaven prosper you both.
May he grant you mercy and peace.”
Then Raguel called his daughter Sarah, and she came to him.
He took her by the hand and gave her to Tobiah with the words:
“Take her according to the law.
According to the decree written in the Book of Moses she is your wife.
Take her and bring her back safely to your father.
And may the God of heaven grant both of you peace and prosperity.”
He then called her mother and told her to bring a scroll,
So that he might draw up a marriage contract
stating that he gave Sarah to Tobiah as his wife
according to the decree of the Mosaic law.
Her mother brought the scroll,
and he drew up the contract,
to which they affixed their seal.
Afterward they began to eat and drink.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
There are some fantastically incredible stories in the Scriptures. This one ought to be toward the top. Though fiction, the book of Tobit portrays the ordinary life of an Israelite family. It offers stories of life, death, food, family, and God. A main theme is the nature of human suffering. Some suffering comes from demonic forces. Other suffering can be initiated by God as a corrective measure so the selfish and righteous see God’s justice.

Tobit is blind. Perhaps this is a metaphor for him to trust in the wife that God’s angel (Raphael / Azariah) will choose for his son Tobiah. Sarah suffers from having lost seven husbands before consummating her marriage to any of them (3:8). If past events are any indication, then Sarah’s new husband will be dead. Such does not happen. Like the previous scripture option from Genesis 24, their happy marriage and newfound life is a biblical way of revealing that marriage is a participation in God’s divine plan. The imposed suffering on the two did in fact lead them more closely to God’s will.

This passage does not fit the conventional storyline for marriage most couples imagine. Yet it has a unique inner beauty and inspiration. Look closely. The passage contains heartfelt prayers: “I am sure the Lord will look after you both” (vs. 11); “Your marriage to her has been decided in heaven” (vs. 11); “And may the God of heaven grant both of you peace and prosperity” (vs. 12). The couple overcame major obstacles. Couples in today’s society face great difficulties as well, and many bring their own suffering. Passages from this text appear in the final blessing for marriage. Couples may find this passage helps them to trust in God’s divine providence regardless of hardships they face.

5. Allow us to live together to a happy old age.

A reading from the Book of Tobit 8:4b-8

On their wedding night Tobiah arose from bed and said to his wife,
“Sister, get up. Let us pray and beg our Lord
to have mercy on us and to grant us deliverance.”
Sarah got up, and they started to pray
and beg that deliverance might be theirs.
They began with these words:
“Blessed are you, O God of our fathers;
praised be your name forever and ever.
Let the heavens and all your creation
praise you forever.
You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve
to be his help and support;
and from these two the human race descended.
You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone;
let us make him a partner like himself.’
Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine
not because of lust,
but for a noble purpose.
Call down your mercy on me and on her,
and allow us to live together to a happy old age.”
They said together, “Amen, amen.”
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
From their marriage bed, Tobiah rises and tells his bride to get up to join him in prayer to God. Given her history – seven previous husbands dying after making love to Sarah – Tobiah’s request is more than understandable. It’s nearly a necessity! What follows is a tender prayer that any married couple would hope to speak. He blesses the God of his ancestors and praises the God of creation who fashioned Adam and Eve. Just as Eve was a perfect complement to Adam, Tobiah sees Sarah as an equally fitting partner. He tells God that he has taken his wife not for sexual pleasure but for true virtue. He begs God for mercy upon them both and that they may reach old age together. Sarah adds her voice to the prayer as they conclude, “Amen.”

This text reveals that marriage is not just to temper sexual desires, but that real spiritual strength is found in the sacrament. It has a noble purpose – which is to help, support, and mutually uphold one another into old age. This reading encourages couples to foster a shared prayer life, and reveals the blessings that flow from it.

6. The woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

A reading from the Book of Proverbs 31:10-13, 19-20, 30-31

When one finds a worthy wife,
her value is far beyond pearls.
Her husband, entrusting his heart to her,
has an unfailing prize.
She brings him good, and not evil,
all the days of her life.
She obtains wool and flax
and makes cloth with skillful hands.
She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her fingers ply the spindle.
She reaches out her hands to the poor,
and extends her arms to the needy.
Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting;
the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her a reward of her labors,
and let her works praise her at the city gates.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
The book of Proverbs is a collection of mostly two-line sayings from sages who studied God, creation, and human nature. These insights of wisdom tend to focus on covenant and redemption. This passage appears at the end of the book and is unusually longer than the shorter sayings that preceded it.

Many couples will find this passage distasteful as it addresses the wife with only a brief mention of the husband. It emphasizes the importance of a grounding faith in the Lord which will be stronger than fleeting beauty or passing charm. Fearing the Lord means awe, obedience, and right relationship with God as the foundation for living wisely. The good husband trusts his wife because she trusts in the Lord. The passage supports the idea that an important aspect of marriage is for couples to walk with each other on their spiritual journey until they reach the gates of God’s eternal love.

7. Stern as death is love.

A reading from the Song of Songs 2:8-10, 14, 16a; 8:6-7a

Hark! my lover–here he comes
springing across the mountains,
leaping across the hills.
My lover is like a gazelle
or a young stag.
Here he stands behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
peering through the lattices.
My lover speaks; he says to me,
“Arise, my beloved, my dove, my beautiful one, and come!
“O my dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret recesses of the cliff,
Let me see you,
let me hear your voice,
for your voice is sweet,
and you are lovely.”
My lover belongs to me and I to him.
He says to me:
“Set me as a seal on your heart,
as a seal on your arm;
For stern as death is love,
relentless as the nether world is devotion;
its flames are a blazing fire.
Deep waters cannot quench love,
nor floods sweep it away.”
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
Readers are often shocked to find this little-known book tucked into the pages of the Old Testament. It is a love poem describing two young lovers discovering the beauty of their created bodies, and their desire to share it in love and mutual fidelity. Parts of the book express erotic love. The gift of sexuality is affirmed and portrayed without apology. There is radical equality with both lovers desiring to share in it with equal intensity. Love is seen as a communion of souls.

This passage seems operatic. It describes a young man appearing at his beloved’s window just before dawn, wooing her into the countryside blossoming with springtime life and promise. The maiden makes a statement that beautifully describes the mutuality of marriage, “My lover belongs to me, and I to him.” He then declares the ferocity of love, for just as stern as death is, love is even more relentless. Love is eternal.

8. Like the sun rising in the Lord’s heavens, the beauty of a virtuous wife is the radiance of her home.

A reading from the Book of Sirach 26:1-4, 13-16

Blessed the husband of a good wife,
twice-lengthened are his days;
A worthy wife brings joy to her husband,
peaceful and full is his life.
A good wife is a generous gift
bestowed upon him who fears the Lord;
Be he rich or poor, his heart is content,
and a smile is ever on his face.
A gracious wife delights her husband,
her thoughtfulness puts flesh on his bones;
A gift from the Lord is her governed speech,
and her firm virtue is of surpassing worth.
Choicest of blessings is a modest wife,
priceless her chaste soul.
A holy and decent woman adds grace upon grace;
indeed, no price is worthy of her temperate soul.
Like the sun rising in the Lord’s heavens,
the beauty of a virtuous wife is the radiance of her home.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
The book of Sirach, is frequently referred to as “Ecclesiasticus,” or “The Book of Wisdom.” It is the wisdom writings of Ben Sira.

Like the passage from Proverbs (OT option #6), this one emphasizes the role of the wife. She can reveal God’s blessing to her husband. He can expect to live twice as long with a good wife, for she brings joy and peace to him. These were traditional blessings, and they are more important than wealth. While it is a compliment to the wife to be compared to the rising of the sun – that which gives life, hope, and promise – the passage has a noticeable tinge of inequality to it. It appears that the woman is to spend her life pleasing her husband and feeding him. At its best, it shows how people can be a blessing from God.

9. I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah.

A reading from the Book of the Prophet Jeremiah 31:31-32a, 33-34a

The days are coming, says the Lord,
when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel
and the house of Judah.
It will not be like the covenant I made with their fathers:
the day I took them by the hand
to lead them forth from the land of Egypt.
But this is the covenant which I will make
with the house of Israel after those days, says the Lord.
I will place my law within them, and write it upon their hearts;
I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
No longer will they have need to teach their friends and relatives
how to know the Lord.
All, from least to greatest, shall know me, says the Lord.
The word of the Lord.

Commentary
Most couples will not immediately see the hidden beauty and the strength this passage has in its depth of illuminating the marital covenant. The marriage vows bind the couple into a covenant. This passage describe the ideal vision of what that covenant can look like.

Jeremiah was a prophet who could see and hear things from God that others could not. He is on his prophetic tower evaluating the past and future. In the past, God had made a covenant with the people, promising to be their God if they would be faithful to him in return. The covenant was broken. The people failed in fidelity. In this passage, Jeremiah speaks about a new covenant that will be given by God, “I will be their God, and they shall be my people.” The staggering difference in this second covenant is the absence of one little word, “if.” By omitting the word “if” God is making this covenant unconditionally. God is pledging complete, unconditional love. God has forgiven them for their infidelity, and this law of loving forgiveness is written on their hearts.

This image of unconditional love as the foundation for a covenant is a mirror for what married couples strive to do and aspire to be for each another. Sacramental marriage reveals to the world this incredible love that God has for us. Husbands and wives enter into this sacrament with the same commitment to love as God has shown his people. Couples with a deep committed faith in God, those who have reconciled from difficult infidelities, and those committed to forgiveness and unconditional love will want to seriously consider this eloquent passage.

Other Nuptial Mass Readings:
Responsorial Psalms
New Testament Readings
Gospel Readings

About the author
These commentaries were prepared by Rev. Darren M. Henson, a priest of the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas. Fr. Henson holds a licentiate in sacred theology from the University of St. Mary of the Lake. He has served as faculty at Loyola University in Chicago and adjunct faculty for Benedictine College, Atchison, KS, teaching liturgy and sacraments.

Premarital Inventories

Readiness for marriage cannot be scientifically measured, but an inventory helps engaged couples to make sure that they have discussed the most important issues. These are NOT tests, but rather instruments that prompt discussion on sometimes sensitive issues.

FOCCUS (Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding, and Study) and ReFoccus (for couples entering a second marriage)
402-551-9003

FACET is a tool for assessing the relationship of a couple planning to be married. It helps the couple find topics they have not discussed, and, with the encouragement of a facilitator, it enables them to have positive, productive conversations. For more information call 207-775-4757, or e-mail: contact@facetsite.com.

Intercommunications Publishing, Inc.
PMI (Premarital Inventory), RMI (Remarital Inventory), VMI (Validating Marriage Inventory), IMI (Intermarriage Inventory) – Marriage inventories to prepare couples for every marriage situation
800-999-0680

PREPARE/ENRICH starts with an online inventory that customizes content to the unique relationship stage (dating, engaged, married) and structure (cohabiting, second marriage, etc.). Facilitators offer feedback and teach relationship skills. Catholic, interfaith, Spanish versions available.
800-331-1661

Relate Inventory
Online survey developed by the Marriage Study Consortium at BYU

Fully Engaged
A Catholic catechetical pre-marriage inventory that carries a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur. This inventory also uses a catechetical workbook for engaged couples, facilitator’s guide, free training DVD, and follow-up e-mails for the first year. Call 800-624-9019 to order a preview kit.

To Trust Again Inventory (Remarriage)
(800) 397-2282

Family of Origin Exercise

In my family of origin…

Affection was:

A. Shown warmly and often

B. Rarely shown in public

C. Other __________________________

My home was usually:

A. Neat and clean

B. Comfortably cluttered

C. Other __________________________

Decision making was done by:

A. Father

B. Mother

C. Both parents in consultation

D. Everyone in the home (including the kids)

E. Default (Nobody seemed to make decisions. Life just happened.)

F. Other _____________________________

When my parents disagreed or fought:

A. They yelled and screamed

B. One usually gave in to the other

C. They compromised

D. They separated to cool off

E. One or both used the “silent treatment”

F. I wouldn’t know. They never fought in front of me.

G. Other ____________________________

Responsibility for keeping the home picked up belonged to:

A. Everyone picked up after themselves

B. Mother or father picked up after the kids

C. I never noticed. It was never an issue.

D. Nobody picked up. (It was pretty messy.)

Privacy was:

A. Respected

B. A sign of secretiveness and selfishness

Money was:

A. Saved for a rainy day

B. Spent only on necessities

C. We were always in debt

D. Used freely for recreational pursuits

E. Other ______________________________

Relationships were:

A. Close. We had many times of fun together.

B. Cordial, but each person primarily recreated by themselves

C. Strained

D. Other ______________________________

Household chores were divided according to:

A. “Women’s work” or “Men’s work”

B. Who had the most time or skill at the chore

C. Both parents took equal responsibility

D. Other ________________________________________

On Sunday or religious holy days we would:

A. Go to religious services together

B. One parent would attend services, the other stayed home.

C. Neither parent was involved in an organized religion.

D. Other _________________________________________

On Christmas, we:

A. Put a tree up and decorated early

B. Christmas Eve was the big celebration when we opened presents

C. Santa Claus decorated the tree when the kids were asleep and we opened gifts Christmas morning.

D. We’re non-Christian and don’t celebrate Christmas

E. Other _______________________________

 

Exchange answers with your fiancé(e). Which experience of your fiancé(e) is most different from yours? Discuss what impact this might have on your future marriage.

7 Reasons Not to Marry

The decision to marry is the biggest decision that most people make in a lifetime. Following is a list of danger signs. If any of these are present in your relationship now, it is best to postpone the marriage until the issue is resolved. Marriage itself will not make these problems disappear. In fact, these problems almost always get worse after marriage.

1. Marrying to get out of the house.

This is simply trading one set of problems for another. Other options exist to get away from a troubled home. A counselor can help you find them.

2. No one better will ask me to marry him/her.

This kind of thinking suggests that you don’t think much of yourself. People who think this way aren’t sure enough of themselves to hold their own in marriage and are generally unhappy when they do find their true self. Postponing or canceling your wedding is a good idea. Some good counseling can help, too.

3. It’s just time to get married.

Actually, what is needed is the right time AND the right person.

4. Being hit, slapped, threatened or intimidated, verbally put down, or forced to do things you don’t want to do by your partner.

Being treated like this is wrong and you should not put up with it. This is not the normal way that engaged or married couples relate to one another. Marriage is based on respect, not fear and force. Don’t be fooled by your partner’s promise to stop.

5. You or your partner are dependent on drugs and/or alcohol. Some of the symptoms of dependence include:

  • One of you uses drugs or alcohol to escape from problems or worries.
  • Getting drugs or alcohol is always on your mind.
  • You can’t have fun or relax without drugs or alcohol.
  • You become careless with important relationships.
  • You drink alone or in secret.

A person dependent on drugs and alcohol is not a free person. Their love affair is with the bottle or drugs – not with you!

6. You and your partner have major items which you avoid talking about because it might upset your relationship.

For example: children, money management, division of responsibility for home and children, whether to keep both careers, religious identity of children in an interfaith marriage.

You need to talk about all important issues openly before marriage. The wedding ceremony itself will not eliminate the issues or the effects of your disagreements. Consider enlisting the help of a priest, minister, or counselor if these issues seem too threatening to handle alone.

7. Marriage just seems like the next logical step.

This sometimes happens to couples who are living together. They slide into marriage not because they have fully explored the idea of a permanent commitment and freely choose that for themselves, but because getting married is the next thing to do. Or they slide into marriage to fix a relationship that is limping along, thinking that having their families’ or church’s stamp of approval will fix their relationship. If this describes your relationship, slow down and look more carefully at what marriage is. Are you ready, willing, and able to fulfill its responsibilities?

About the author
Susan Stith is the Family Life Director for the Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown.

Marriage Prep Resources

You’re engaged. Congratulations! The Church rejoices with you as you prepare to enter the Sacrament of Marriage and embark on this great vocation of love and service.

The Catholic Church has long been a leader in providing high-quality marriage preparation programs for engaged couples. These programs come in many forms: weekend retreats, a series of evening meetings, one-day events, online programs, or meetings with a priest or mentor couple. But they all share the common goal of providing engaged couples with the knowledge, skills, and formation they need to have a happy, holy, lifelong marriage.

Each diocese has its own requirements for marriage prep, so check with the church where you’ll be getting married to see what program(s) are recommended or required in your diocese. Below are some widely-used marriage preparation programs and other resources for engaged couples.

Your engagement is also a great time to take Natural Family Planning (NFP) classes to learn more about the beautiful gift of fertility and prepare to live a marriage that is open to life and to God’s plan for your family.

For couples who are currently civilly married outside of the Church and would like their marriage to be recognized by the Catholic Church, please see Convalidation: Bringing Your Marriage Into The Church.

Disclaimer: Please note that the content on this page is provided solely for your information and should not be interpreted as an official endorsement of the organizations, programs, and websites listed. To the best of our knowledge, the information listed here did not conflict with Catholic teaching and was accurate at the time of posting.

Table of Contents

Complete Marriage Preparation Programs

Agape Catholic Marriage Prep
A division of Agape Catholic Ministries, dedicated to the building of strong Christ-centered marriages since 2004. Online, interactive, and mentor-led Pre-Cana Program that can also be given in-person by trained instructors. Available anytime from anywhere. Based on Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and the teachings of the Catholic Church. Available in English, Spanish and French.

Contact: info@catholicmarriageprep.com, 800-208-1364

Catholic Engaged Encounter
An in-depth, private, personal marriage preparation experience within the context of Catholic faith and values. The weekend retreat offers a “time out” where engaged couples can dialogue intensively about prospective lives together and hear helpful presentations from married couples. Weekends are offered periodically throughout the country; map of upcoming weekends here.

Contact: fill out the form on the website

Catholic Marriage Prep Class Online
An online, on-demand preparation program based on videos from experts and married couples; interactive, convenient, and private. Available anytime from anywhere. Run by Marriage Ministries, an initiative of The Marriage Group. Materials were prepared with collaboration from several arch/dioceses. Available in Spanish: www.preparacionmatrimonialcatolica.com.

Contact: info@catholicmarriageprepclass.com, 1-855-PRE-CANA (773-2262)

For Better and For Ever
A parish-based “sponsor couple” approach to marriage preparation. Married couples of the parish are trained to meet the engaged “where they are” as the starting point for dialogue about the vocation of Matrimony. The sponsor couple hosts a series of 4-6 meetings with the engaged couple in their own home, then after the wedding they follow-up with the newly married couple through the first year(s) of marriage. Available in English, Spanish, Vietnamese, and French.

Contact: rob@marriagepreparation.com, 210-534-1129

Joined by Grace: Preparing for the Sacramental Journey of Marriage, by Ave Maria Press, John and Teri Bosio, and Spirit Juice Studios
Grounded in Church teaching and incorporating the wisdom of Pope Francis’s apostolic exhortation Amoris Laetitia (The Joy of Love), the Joined by Grace program allows pastoral leaders and mentors to help couples build strong, life-giving, and lasting marriages. Offering couples the tools they need for life after their wedding day, Joined by Grace shows how the seven sacraments can help build marriages that are rooted in Christ by teaching couples to accept and be fully present to one another, give themselves completely, and serve and forgive each other. While developed for use in six sessions by mentors and engaged couples or small groups, the Program Manual offers a weekend retreat format as well.

The Joined by Grace program includes a Program Manual, Mentor’s Guides, Couple’s Guides, and a DVD. The DVD includes videos by pastoral leaders and the witness of real-life couples unscripted in their homes. An online library includes free resources to support marriage ministry coordinators, mentors, and engaged couples: JoinedbyGrace.com.

Contact: Ave Maria Press, 800-282-1865

Joy-Filled Marriage
Includes a virtue-based life skills component (“Living a Joy-Filled Marriage”) and a component focused on the Sacrament of Marriage and the Theology of the Body (“God’s Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage”). Both components have Leader’s Guides. The two parts can be used separately, perhaps as a supplement to an existing marriage prep program, or together. Published by Ascension Press.

Contact: info@joyfilledmarriage.com, 1-800-376-0520

The Picture of Love Marriage Preparation Program
The Picture of Love Marriage Preparation Program is available for both Engaged Couples and Convalidation Couples explores the joys and challenges of living out the Sacrament of Matrimony with special focus on the importance of inviting Jesus to be the center of marriage and family life. Originally released in 2002, Picture of Love is an officially sanctioned and proven Marriage Preparation Program, currently used in Catholic parishes and dioceses across the nation. The newly revised 2017 version of Picture of Love has received the imprimatur of Archbishop Jose H. Gomez, Archdiocese of Los Angeles.

Preparing to Live in Love
This parish-based program combines personal mentoring with a marriage preparation curriculum that integrates Theology of the Body and practical life skills. A mentor couple guides the engaged couple through the curriculum in a series of meetings in the mentors’ home. Provided by the Pennsylvania-based Pastoral and Matrimonial Renewal Center.

Contact: pmrcusa@msn.com, 877-201-2142

Smart Loving Engaged Online
SmartLoving Engaged Online combines psychological insights with the Theology of the Body to equip couples to navigate the joys and challenges of married life. Now available online, couples can access the course anytime and from anywhere in a self-directed capacity or invite a married sponsor couple from the parish to accompany them at no extra charge. Flexible and affordable, the course has an imprimatur and is approved for use in many dioceses throughout Australia, UK, USA, Canada, Africa and Asia. If you and your fiancé are separated by distance, you can complete the course separately meeting on Skype after every lesson to complete the activities together.

Contact: info@marriagerc.org

Theology of the Body Marriage Preparation
This marriage prep program, which Dr. Janet Smith calls a “real contribution to the need for truly useful marriage preparation materials,” gives poignant, refreshing insights into personal growth, communication skills, finances, catechesis, and more, all from the perspective of the Theology of the Body. The unique diagrams and charts—which Dr. Peter Kreeft lauds as “delightful” and “memorable”—flesh out St. John Paul II’s insights, make tough concepts accessible, and offer food-for-thought for discussions by couples. This complete program comes with a slide show presentation with facilitator’s notes and three downloadable files (Facilitator’s Guide, TOBET Tips for Presenting, and Addressing Tough Issues: A Theology of the Body Pastoral Response). TOB expert Monica Ashour can be brought in to train the trainers. Written by Monica Ashour, MTS, M Hum, and members of TOBET (Theology of the Body Evangelization Team). Available in English, Spanish, and Vietnamese.

Contact: Monica Ashour, mashour@tobet.org or 972-849-6543 (for content questions);
info@tobet.org (for order questions).

Transformed in Love: Building Your Catholic Marriage
Written with consideration of current pastoral challenges in marriage preparation, this program provides a reflective, formational experience for couples through activities, practice exercises, and quotes from Scripture and Church documents. Leader and Team Manual available. Developed by clergy and laity in the Archdiocese of Boston; published by Pauline Books & Media.

Contact: Liz Cotrupi, cotrup_e@rcab.org

Unveiled
Unveiled was created by the Catholic Diocese of Richmond to blend marriage preparation and evangelization. This innovative video-based solution offers a consistent, comprehensive, and captivating approach to marriage preparation. Unveiled allows you to ensure the integrity of the theological and practical content, focus your efforts on training facilitator couples to be story-telling evangelists, and implement a dynamic educational methodology that integrates beautiful media. Unveiled can be used as an online e-learning course, run at the parish level, or offered on the diocesan scale.

Contact: marriageprep@richmonddiocese.org, or call 804-622-5109.

Witness to Love
Witness to Love is a tool for parishes that want to use the marriage prep process to benefit engaged couples by building a support system to accompany them before and after the wedding, integrating them into parish life, focusing on evangelization and getting the most out of the marriage prep process. This is not just a program but a system that will help enhance the current offerings that a parish, or diocese, already has in place and it is compatible with any PMI or marriage prep program listed on this page. Witness to Love was established in response to St. John Paul II’s apostolic exhortation Familiaris Consortio and operates under the guidance of the Archdiocese of New Orleans. Online or live training for clergy or marriage prep personnel available. Available in English and Spanish (Testimonio de Amor).

Contact: Mary-Rose Verret, witnesstolove@gmail.com

Your Marriage
“Your Marriage” is a parish-based marriage prep resource from Liguori Publishing as part of their Sacramental Preparation Series. It is led by marriage prep leaders in small or large groups or individually, with an emphasis on regular meetings with the parish priest. The program includes a solid and thorough, yet accessible, presentation of Church teaching regarding marriage, as well as practical application to address the needs and challenges faced by couples today. The series includes a DVD of testimonies from married couples and spiritual direction from Fr. Byron Miller, CSsR corresponding with each chapter, as well as additional resources available through the publisher’s website. Available in English and Spanish.

Contact: Mary Wuertz von Holt, mwuertz@liguori.org or 636-223-1435

Premarital Inventories

A premarital inventory, or PMI, is a common tool in marriage preparation for an engaged couple to gain a deeper understanding of themselves and each other, and to identify subjects that may need additional discussion or consultation. Best practice for PMIs include having the engaged couple go over the results of their inventory with a trained priest or mentor couple.

Catholic Couple Checkup
A comprehensive premarital inventory with an illustrative report and discussion guide that can be sent to a priest or mentor couple to discuss with the engaged couple. Provided by Marriage Ministries, an initiative of The Marriage Group. Can be used together with their marriage preparation program (comes free with the program) or separately by couples.

Contact: info@catholicmarriageprepclass.com, 1-855-PRE-CANA (773-2262)

Couple Checkup
Couple Checkup is an online relationship assessment that is tailored to each couple and the Catholic faith. The computer-generated report helps couples discover their strength and growth areas across several relationship categories such as communication, conflict resolution, roles, financial management, personality and more. Couples can bring their results to a priest or premarital counselor to work through their results. Powered by Prepare/Enrich.

Contact: 1-800-331-1661

FOCCUS
Premarital inventory that covers major areas engaged couples should discuss. Offers research and training that Facilitate Open, Caring Communication, Understanding and Study. After taking the FOCCUS pre-marital inventory, couples meet with a trained facilitator. Available in Spanish, Chinese, and for couples with English as a second language.

Contact: foccus@foccusinc.com, 1-877-883-5422

Fully Engaged
A Catholic catechetical pre-marriage inventory that carries a Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur. This comprehensive, catechetical tool forms engaged couples in the riches of the Church while equipping them with the essential skills necessary for a healthy marriage. This program utilizes a catechetical workbook for the engaged couple and contains a detailed Facilitator’s Guide for the Facilitator. Follow-up formation emails are sent to the newlywed couple for one year after their marriage. Fully Engaged also contains a complete Convalidation Inventory for civilly married couples.

For more information or to order a Preview Package, call 800-624-9019 or email fe@gw.stcdio.org.

IPI Intercommunications Publishing
IPI was the first to offer pre-marriage inventories, beginning in 1980. We have programs available for various premarital situations, such as never-married couples, couples entering a second marriage, couples having their civil marriage convalidated, couples from different faith traditions, and more. Inventories are available both in hard-copy and online with English and Spanish options.

Contact: 800-999-0680

Prepare/Enrich
An online relationship inventory and skill-building program based on a solid research foundation. Custom tailored to a couple’s relationship and provides couple exercises to build their relationship skills. Can be used both for engaged and married couples. After taking the inventory, couples meet with a trained facilitator.

Contact: 800-331-1661

Spirituality and Religion in Your Marriage: A Reflective Process for Engaged Couples by Dr. James Healy, Director of the Center for Family Ministry in the Diocese of Joliet

This booklet contains a short inventory that places the individual in one of four categories: 1) high in both Spirituality and Religion, 2) high in Spirituality and low in Religion, 3) low in both Religion and Spirituality, and 4) high in Religion and low in Spirituality. It affirms strengths and encourages growth in both the individual and the couple towards category number 1. Available in Spanish.

Workbooks and Books for Engaged Couples

The following workbooks can be used as a supplement to existing marriage preparation programs, or by engaged couples on their own for additional formation.

A Marriage in the Lord, 6th edition
This Catholic marriage preparation workbook helps couples to prepare for a lifelong happy, healthy, and holy marriage. Revised edition includes discussion of the Theology of the Body, threats to marriage, and couple prayer. Bulk discounts available. Provided by the Marriage and Family Ministries Office of the Archdiocese of Chicago.

Contact: 312.534.8351 or email through this form

The Mission of Love: A Sacramental Journey to Marital Success by John Curtis, Fr. Dominic McManus, O.P., and Mike Day
Focused on helping engaged couples embrace their mission and vocation in the Sacrament of Marriage. A unique vantage point encourages couples to design their family’s mission statement and “job descriptions” for each member. Book format and Couple’s Guidebook with exercises. Available in Kindle version.

Contact: newpriorypress@opcentral.org or 312-243-0011.

Revolution of Love: the 21st Century Home – Seven Ways to Bring Love into the Home
Reflections from Pope Francis, St. Josemaria, and Cormac Burke; published in 2016.
This beautifully presented handbook features compelling photographs and quotes that capture hearts with a joyful, loving vision of marriage, family, and home. Brief chapters reflect on such topics as “The Warmth of Home,” “Marriage: A Divine Adventure,” “Communication in the Home,” “Prayer: Loving God with Affection,” “Pursuing Our Dreams,” and more. Pope Francis’s addresses and writings are a primary source of the book’s text, beginning with the first quote in this handbook, taken from The Joy of the Gospel, “The Son of God became man to summon us to a revolution of tenderness.” This handbook hopes to offer, in Pope Francis’s words, “ways to restore and safeguard God’s loving plan for humanity.”
For both engaged and married couples.

Contact: rolbooks2016@gmail.com for group discounts & more information.
This book is also available on Amazon (see the “Look Inside” feature).

Theology of the Body Marriage Preparation
This marriage prep guide—which Dr. Peter Kreeft lauds as “delightful” and “memorable”—gives refreshing insights into personal growth, communication skills, finances, catechesis, and more, all from the perspective of the Theology of the Body. The unique diagrams and charts flesh out St.John Paul II’s insights, make tough concepts accessible, and offer food-for-thought for discussions by couples. Dr. Janet Smith calls this program a “real contribution to the need for truly useful marriage preparation materials.” Written by TOB expert Monica Ashour, MTS, MHum, and the members of TOBET (Theology of the Body Evangelization Team). Available in English, Spanish, and Vietnamese.

Contact: Monica Ashour, mashour@tobet.org or 972-849-6543 (for content questions); info@tobet.org (for order questions).

Supplemental Curriculum

10 Great Dates Before You Say “I Do.”
Want to help couples discern if they are right for each other—even before becoming engaged? Then this video-based curriculum, disguised as fun dates, will help you help couples decide if they should take the next step toward marriage. You can also use this book as homework assignments for your parish marriage prep or mentoring couples, or combine them with the video date launches for the greatest impact. The DVD (with host couple Heather & Peter Larson) was a joint project with Prepare/Enrich and designed to help couples develop the skills and put into practice what they learned about each other after taking a premarital inventory. It’s a match made in heaven!

Contact: Arps@marriagealive.com; 865-690-5887

Natural Family Planning Classes
Natural Family Planning (NFP) is an umbrella term for methods of fertility observation used to achieve or avoid pregnancy. Couples preparing for marriage are encouraged to take an NFP class to learn this holistic way of respecting the life-giving nature of married love. Various methods are available, in both in-person and distance-learning classes.

Contact: USCCB Natural Family Planning Office, nfp@usccb.org

The Roadmap to a Happy Marriage by Verily Magazine
This easy-to-access online course was designed to give people seeking a healthy, happy, lasting relationship the tools they need to achieve it, whatever their current relationship status. The course consists of videos, worksheets, and some practical exercises and covers issues such as how your family of origin impacts your approach to relationships, conflict and communication styles, and how to navigate practical issues as a couple. While it is not aimed at Catholics, the course content is consistent with Church teaching and can be taken alongside any other marriage prep engaged couples might be receiving through their parishes. It’s also helpful for single people who want to take a more intentional approach to relationships and dating, people who are dating and trying to discern whether they are ready for marriage, and newlyweds looking for a refresher.

Contact: support@verilymag.com

Videos

“Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding”
Produced by the USCCB. Walks the viewer through the Rite of Marriage both within and without Mass, and answers FAQs about Catholic weddings. Designed for engaged couples, both Catholic couples and those marrying a non-Catholic. Also helpful for those who are helping to prepare engaged couples for marriage.

Contact: marriage@usccb.org, 202-541-3013

BELOVED: Finding Happiness in Marriage – Parish Edition
Beloved is a video-based study program by the Augustine Institute that explores the true meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage. In twelve sessions, couples will discover the deepest spiritual, emotional, and practical realities of marriage through Scripture, Tradition, and Church teaching. They’ll see firsthand how to experience the wonder, mystery, and joy of this sacrament—from that first “I do” through the rest of their lives. Beloved sessions are presented on a 6-DVD set, and kits come complete with Couple’s and Leader’s Guides – everything you need to experience the full power of Beloved for a marriage preparation program.

For more information, contact Colleen at (866) 767-3155 or visit augustineinstitute.org/beloved.

“When Two Become One”
Produced by the Diocese of Rockville Centre’s Office of Faith Formation. In this 25-minute DVD engaged couples learn about the Sacrament of Marriage, love, sexuality, natural family planning and more through the witness of four couples sharing their experiences, challenges and joys.

Contact: 516-678-5800 ext. 223

Marriage Boosters

Engaged couples: you are invited to personalize your marriage preparation with videos that relate to your particular circumstance. Go to marriageboosters.net, register (no charge!), and you have access to videos that relate to your unique situation. Learn from other couples like you! Topics covered include the Unique Challenges of Military Families, Cohabitation, Forming a Stepfamily, Children of Divorce, Second Marriages, Interfaith and Interchurch Marriages, and Strengthening African–American Catholic Marriages. Developed by Marriage Ministries, an initiative of The Marriage Group, in collaboration with several arch/dioceses.

Preparing for the Wedding Liturgy

The high point of a Catholic wedding is the Order of Celebrating Matrimony, where bride and groom become husband and wife in the lifelong bond of marriage. The below resources assist engaged couples planning a Catholic wedding to understand and prepare for the wedding liturgy. On For Your Marriage are walk-through articles about Catholic weddings within Mass, without Mass, and between a Catholic and non-baptized person.

A Catholic Bride’s Wedding Planner, by Tracy Becker
Practical tool for Catholic brides (and grooms). Includes reflections on engagement and the Sacrament of Marriage, steps for getting married in the Catholic Church, a calendar with stickers to mark important moments leading up to the wedding, and an organizational section for wedding vendor contact information.

Catholic Wedding Help
A step-by-step guide to planning a Catholic wedding, including Scripture readings, the vows, various parts of the wedding liturgy, and information about Catholic marriage. Provided by Our Sunday Visitor.

CatholicWeddingPlanner.com
Offers assistance for clergy and engaged couples to plan the wedding ceremony. Engaged couples can select prayers and Scripture readings for the liturgy, organize musical choices and create printed programs. Clergy can provide liturgical options to the couples they serve and receive a complete ceremony printout.

The Order of Celebrating Matrimony Complete Set, from Ave Maria Press
Approved as an official liturgical document by the USCCB, this all-in-one wedding resource for parish ministers is based on the revised Catholic wedding rite, The Order of Celebrating Matrimony. The complete card and ceremonial binder set includes 19 tabs and 144 three-hole-punched ritual cards with a single scripture reading, prayer, or blessing from the approved text of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony. The cards are printed in large, bold, easy-to-read type. Ave’s The Order of Celebrating Matrimony corresponds to the 2016 edition of Together for Life. The cards and binder also are each available separately.
Contact: Ave Maria Press, 800-282-1865

“Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding”
Produced by the USCCB. Walks the viewer through the Rite of Marriage both within and without Mass, and answers FAQs about Catholic weddings. Designed for engaged couples, both Catholic couples and those marrying a non-Catholic. Also helpful for those who are helping to prepare engaged couples for marriage.

Contact: marriage@usccb.org, 202-541-3013

Together for Life: Celebrating & Living the Sacrament, by Joseph M. Champlin, with Peter A. Jarret, C.S.C.
With more than nine million copies sold, Together for Life provides all of the tools engaged couples and their ministers need to plan the liturgical celebration of their wedding—prayers, Bible readings, vows, and sample intercessions. Together for Life also includes catechetical commentary to help couples deepen their understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony. The sixth edition incorporates the changes and additions in The Order of Celebrating Matrimony, and includes all approved liturgical texts for planning weddings within Mass, without Mass, or between a Catholic and a Catechumen or non-Christian. The text is supported by Together for Life Online, which helps couples through their engagement, the first years of their marriage, and beyond. Also available in Spanish.

Contact: Ave Maria Press, 800-282-1865

Prayer Resources

“If we were to offer any advice to a couple preparing for marriage it would be this: Pray. Pray a lot.” – For Your Marriage blogger Sara (Suchy) Rennekamp

Advice about prayer from Pope Francis
“On this journey [of marriage] prayer is important, it is necessary, always: he for her, she for him and both together. Ask Jesus to multiply your love. In the prayer of the Our Father we say: ‘Give us this day our daily bread’. Spouses can also learn to prayer like this: ‘Lord, give us this day our daily love‘, for the daily love of spouses is bread, the true bread of the soul, what sustains them in going forward. … This is the prayer for engaged couples and spouses. Teach us to love one another, to will good to the other! The more you trust in him, the more your love will be ‘forever’, able to be renewed, and it will conquer every difficulty.” – from an address on St. Valentine’s Day, Feb. 14, 2014

Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers
A book with numerous blessings and prayers that can be prayed at home in the domestic Church, including a blessing for engaged couples, prayer of a future wife and a future husband, a table blessing for weddings, and blessing of a son or daughter before marriage.

Available through USCCB Publishing: www.usccbpublishing.org, 877-978-0757

Reflections to Accompany a Rosary Novena for a Couple Preparing for Marriage by Dianne M. Traflet, J.D., S.T.D.
These beautiful reflections, based on the Mysteries of the Rosary, guide the engaged couple and those praying for them to a deeper appreciation of the sacrament and vocation of marriage.

Other Resources

CatholicMatch Institute
The CatholicMatch Institute is focused on providing dating and marriage resources for singles, couples and church leaders. They publish online daily content as well as printed resources that are especially useful in parishes and dioceses. The resources encourage purposeful dating that helps increase the number of healthy marriages.

Contact: 888-267-8885 x3

Spoken Bride
Under the patronage of Our Lady and Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin, Spoken Bride is a site that offers resources for newly engaged and married women pursuing beauty in their vocation. Spoken Bride features a variety of Catholic vendors who care not only about the externals of the wedding day but the depth of the meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage. The blog features practical help for wedding day and sacramental preparation, engagement and wedding stories from Catholic couples, and Christ-centered reflections for spiritual growth.

Contact: hello@spokenbride.com

I Believe in Love
I Believe in Love is a storytelling website written by and for young people who want more for their romantic relationships. At our site, we invite ordinary young adults to tell their stories—their successes and failures, their hopes and their worries about love, dating, sex, and marriage to inspire themselves and readers to find lasting love in marriage. I Believe in Love is a project of the Chiaroscuro Institute, a nonpartisan nonprofit organization dedicated to reconnecting sex, marriage, and children to promote flourishing communities.

Contact: editor@ibelieveinlove.com

Frequently Asked Questions by Engaged Couples

How do I know if I’m ready to marry?

  • Do most people consider you emotionally mature, able to compromise, communicate well, share your feelings, and handle anger constructively?
  • Do you love this other person so much that you are willing to put his or her happiness before your own?
  • Are you marrying out of strength (I know who I am and am happy with myself) rather than weakness (I need someone to fill the gaps in my personality)?
  • Have you developed strong friendships that have lasted over time?
  • Are you able to keep commitments and delay gratification?
  • Do you struggle on a regular basis with harmful habits or addictions, e.g. to alcohol, drugs, or pornography? That’s not necessarily a reason not to marry, but it is something that left untreated can seriously weaken your ability to have a healthy marriage.
  • Is God calling you to marriage? Have you prayed and discerned about this?

How do I know if this is the right person?

  • Do you share similar basic values about respecting human life, fidelity, commitment, what’s right and wrong, honesty, life goals, and lifestyle?
  • Does your significant other bring out the best in you, and you in him or her?
  • Are you physically attracted to this person?
  • Can you imagine growing old together?
  • Do your trusted family members and friends support your relationship and affirm that it’s healthy and respectful?
  • Do you experience ongoing conflict or, worse, violence and abuse in your relationship? That is a red flag to slow down and seek advice and help, ensuring your safety if necessary.
  • Is God calling you to marriage with this person? Have you prayed and discerned about this?

Is it necessary to feel “chemistry” between us for this to be the right person to marry?

Chemistry, or feeling like you “click” with another person, is a natural part of a deepening relationship, and a wonderful part of falling in love, but unfortunately, chemistry is sometimes confused with infatuation, which can be fleeting.

In the good sense, chemistry means you feel a strong physical and emotional attraction to the other person and want to become closer to him or her. You feel happy in his or her presence and enjoy your time together. This sense of unity and joy at the other’s presence can be a great foundation for a happy marriage.

In contrast, infatuation means you are consumed with thinking of the other person to the point of doing silly or risky actions to be together. You are blind to the faults of the other and consumed with being noticed by him or her. Your need to be liked is so strong that you are willing to give up your own personality or morals for the other’s affection. Often infatuation is an unequal relationship between the object of adulation and the infatuated person. If this describes your relationship, you may want to step back and reevaluate.

Doesn’t living together before marriage prevent me from marrying the wrong person and thus getting divorced later on?

Although it may sound counterintuitive, studies show that cohabiting couples:

  • Increase their risk of breaking up after marriage (46% higher divorce rate)
  • Increase the risk of domestic violence for women, and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children
  • Have lower levels of happiness and well-being compared to married couples

Why should I attend a marriage preparation program? We’ve known each other for a long time and can’t imagine we’d learn anything new.

You don’t have to discover all the things that make a marriage work by trial and error. Others have done some of that work for you. At a marriage prep program, you get a glimpse into other couples’ marriages so you can have a more realistic sense of what’s normal and what’s not, and you can get solid advice on how to have a happy, holy marriage.

Although every marriage relationship is unique, there are many tips experienced couples can share that will help you when you face bumps in your own marriage. Marriage preparation programs also give you an opportunity to talk with each other about the wide spectrum of “must-have conversations” before marriage. You’ve probably talked about most of them, but you may have avoided a few. This is a time to check yourselves.

Most likely you will find that you gain confidence in your decision to marry as a result of attending a marriage preparation program. Occasionally, attending a marriage preparation program can make you realize that it isn’t the right time to marry, or that this may not be the right person. That’s okay, because engagement is a time to discern marriage actively and intentionally.

How much income should we have between us to marry?

Many couples, especially younger ones, start their married lives together without a large income, and possibly with debt. This can be a challenge, but it shouldn’t necessarily delay marriage. There’s no magic number when it comes to the income and financial assets a couple should have before marrying, and bride and groom promise to be faithful “for richer” or “for poorer.” At the same time, it’s important to realize that financial hardship can cause conflict in a marriage, and to talk with each other about your plan for meeting your basic needs. Don’t be afraid to seek wise counsel if you’re not sure how you’ll make ends meet.

How much does a typical wedding cost?

Many wedding planners will tell you that the average wedding costs between $20,000-$30,000, but it definitely doesn’t have to! Although the ante has been rising as to what is considered “typical” for a wedding, simplicity can be elegant. Consider asking friends and family for help on your big day, having a smaller wedding if cost is a major concern, or researching inexpensive do-it-yourself alternatives. Don’t let the perceived cost of weddings keep you from saying “I do.” And remember, a wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime.

Second Marriages

The Catholic Church stands for lifelong marriage. Sometimes, however, couples are not able to achieve this ideal. Marriages break apart because of a spouse’s infidelity, addiction, or mental illness.

Sometimes, the couple thought they were mature enough to make a wise decision but were blinded by infatuation or youth. There are many reasons why marriages fail. They are personal and not easy to sort through.

The Church offers a process to help divorced men and women who entered into what they thought was a valid marriage at the time. After examining the evidence, the Church may find that some essential ingredient was missing from the very beginning. This process is called an annulment. When a man or woman receives an annulment, they are free to re-marry in the Catholic Church.

The issues facing couples entering a second marriage are more complex than first marriages. Although many people who divorce have successful subsequent marriages, the divorce rate of remarriages is higher than that of first marriages. Preparation should be more comprehensive. Most dioceses offer specialized programs that include such topics as:

  • Lessons learned from a divorce
  • Ability not to let an idealized memory or loyalty to a deceased spouse block a new marriage
  • Assessment of “baggage” (bad habits, unresolved anger or guilt, self-defeating attitudes) from the previous marriage
  • Blending families, becoming instant step-parents
  • Mixing finances, pre-nuptial agreements to protect inheritances
  • Blending long-standing lifestyles

Contact your local Diocesan Family Life Office using the Find Catholic Marriage Support locator.

For Further Reading:

Getting Married Catholic

The Catholic Church has a long history of helping couples to prepare for marriage. It has learned a great deal that can benefit any couple, regardless of religion.

Because the Catholic Church wants couples to form strong, lasting marriages, couples who wish to marry in the Catholic Church are asked to:

  • Contact and meet with your parish priest as soon as you are engaged.
  • Take at least six months to intensively prepare for your marriage. This goes beyond choosing a date and church, reserving a place for the reception, and picking out dresses. It means using this time to delve more deeply into your relationship and approach this momentous day with prayer and reflection.
  • Attend an approved marriage preparation program. There are many different formats for marriage preparation programs ranging from intensive weekends, to a weekly series, to “in home” mentor couple programs. Check out the most common national programs here. To find what programs are available near you, contact your diocesan family life office. Catholic marriage preparation programs are usually presented by a team of lay married couples and a priest or deacon. They are not restricted to Catholics, but they are always in keeping with Church teaching.
  • Most dioceses ask couples to take a marriage preparation inventory (such as FOCCUS, PMI, or PREPARE). These are not “tests” to determine whether you can get married in the Church, but rather discussion starters to assess what issues you already agree on and what you might need to discuss further.
  • If you are seeking to convalidate your civil marriage (meaning make it a valid Catholic marriage), please visit this page.

Most importantly at the time of your engagement, the Church welcomes you to this sacrament of Marriage in the spirit of Jesus who said:

This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.
No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

(John 15:12-13)

For Further Reading:

Must-Have Conversations

As a dating or engaged couple, conversation probably comes easily. The two of you enjoy talking about just anything. Just about anything that is, except ugly disagreements. This doesn’t change much in marriage except there are more things to disagree about. You can’t run away from prickly conversations – for long. If anything, marriage accentuates the mild differences you have while dating or engaged. They can become serious disagreements once the initial excitement of new love becomes the comfort of secure love.

Before you marry, consider “must have conversations” on these topics:

You’ve probably already talked about most of these topics – at least to some degree. Great! That should confirm your decision to marry.

But don’t avoid topics that might be sensitive. This is the time to face difficult conversations and make sure you are on the same page. You don’t have to agree on everything – just the important things. Use your time of courtship and engagement to explore the serious and controversial issues that are ahead of you. A marriage preparation program will help you to address these issues more thoroughly.

You may come to an impasse on an issue. That doesn’t mean you aren’t meant for each other. It does mean you should pause and study this issue more carefully. Perhaps it’s a sign you need to consult others with experience or expertise in the area.