Tag Archives: Communication

The Courage to be Married

It may not take courage to make a promise, but it can take a lot of courage to keep a promise. This is especially true for the promises we make on our wedding day.

I remember when I was an altar boy serving wedding Masses. I recall seeing the nervousness and sometimes outright terror on the faces of the brides and grooms who knelt before the altar. I used to wonder why they were so nervous. Then, years later, I got engaged to be married and got my own taste of that fear.

For me, it was never the problem that I didn’t love the woman kneeling next to me before God, our families, and friends on our wedding day. The problem was that no human could offer us any guarantees as to what was ahead of us. In fact, our friend Father Rich Simon, who presided at our wedding, presented us with a list of possibilities that didn’t exactly inspire confidence—sickness, poverty, or worse.

But in our decades of marriage so far, what we’ve found is that, most often, the courage we’ve needed has been to respond to the more mundane and everyday challenges that marriage brings. And the more we’ve had the courage to address these challenges, the stronger, more satisfying, and even holier our marriage has been for us. Here are a few of those everyday challenges we faced. You’ll surely find your own.

The courage to say what needs to be said

I suspect that most marriages aren’t harmed as much by what is said as by what is left unsaid. Withholding our truth from one another can kill a marriage. This can range from failing to express one’s love (in words, in deeds, in conscientious responses), to not standing up for oneself, to failing to speak up when something’s wrong in your marriage but you don’t want to rock the boat.

In my own marriage, I am extremely grateful (though usually not at the moment) for the times my wife was able to raise difficult issues I’d rather have kept swept under the rug. And I am glad I have found the courage to speak up about feelings and concerns I had that I knew it would be hard for her to hear. Showing courage in those moments inevitably increased our intimacy, our respect, and our love. Pay attention to what you resist saying. A friend of mine says that when it comes to knowing what inner work we should do, “resistance always points true north.”

The courage to do your own inner work

What behaviors of yours are robbing your marriage? It may be busy-ness, alcohol, anger, compulsive spending, or a whole long list of other distractions and cheap substitutions for the mutual self-revelation that marriage calls us to. Over time, any one of these can kill a marriage. If in your marriage you find yourself doing what you know you don’t want and shouldn’t do, have the courage to get help. It’s funny that people show disdain for turning to a counselor or 12-Step group because they feel it shows weakness, when in truth picking up the phone to make a call for help takes more courage than most things we’ll ever do. Be courageous!

The courage to welcome and let go

One of the greatest challenges of marriage is to find gracious ways to welcome this other person into your life—to make their wants and wishes and needs as much a concern for you as your own wants and wishes and needs. Marriage is all about welcoming—our new spouse, their family and friends, their quirks and foibles, even their maddening habits.

We need to do more than tolerate, we are called to welcome and cherish all of who this person is. It takes courage to open up our lives and invite another in. It takes courage to overcome our own habits of selfishness. And when we do, we swiftly learn that we also need to exercise the Christian virtue of letting go—letting go of old habits and new expectations. And oddly enough, if we are to keep our marriage alive and growing, we need to let go of how our marriage was last year or how we think it ought to be and grow into what our marriage requires or us today. You will change and so will your spouse. Each day, in effect, you need to say, “Once again, I choose you.”

Earlier I wrote that no human being could guarantee what our future might hold, and that’s true. But on your wedding day, God makes you a promise. God promises to be with you every step of the way—for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and not only until death, but beyond. And in reality, that is the guarantee that has meant the most to Kathleen and me. It is in the context of this living faith that marriage finally makes sense. It is in the faithfulness of God that we have found our hope to remain faithful to one another. It is in the reality of God’s constant love for us that we have discovered the depth and source of our love for each other, for our children, and for the world we are meant to serve. May you have courage—the courage to be truly married.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Stages of Growth in Marriage

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic. This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise. God feels very close and responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings. They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance. Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes. Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into either/or, right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God.

Additional Challenges and Stages

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

About the author
Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Studies at Loyola University in Chicago and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Pets and Marriage

The young couple wandered into the local pet store, where an animal rescue organization was sponsoring adoptions. The eager volunteer approached and asked if they were looking for a cat. The woman chuckled. “He wants a cat,” she said, “and I want a dog.”

The volunteer knew better than to get in the middle of that. In fact, theirs was a common dilemma, which many couples resolve by adopting one–or more–of each.

Pets can be an important part of life and, consequently, of marriage. In fact, a study from the University of Buffalo claims that couples who own a cat or dog have closer relationships, are more satisfied in marriage and respond better to stress than couples who do not. Another study found that petting an animal, or even just watching fish in an aquarium, resulted in lowered blood pressure.

Pets can help to reduce stress between spouses, especially when they are going through a difficult time. A pet’s companionship and affection creates a calming effect in a marriage. Plus, the pet can be a source of entertainment and increased fun in the home.

Pet ownership can also cause marital discord. In one poll, 60% of married couples said that pets had created problems in their marriages.

Fortunately, potential problems can often be avoided or minimized if they are acknowledged and addressed up front. Here are a few tips for bringing furry friends into a marriage:

  • “Can we get a dog–please??” If one spouse is absolutely opposed to a pet, it’s probably not a good idea, nor is it fair to the animal, to push the issue. In many cases, however, a spouse is ambivalent. Perhaps he/she has never had a pet and has certain stereotypes in mind: Cats are sneaky; dogs are vicious. If the spouse can keep an open mind, the pet will often endear itself to the skeptic.
  • “It’s your turn to walk Fido” (at 6:00 a.m.). Anyone who has cleaned up hairballs or scooped out a litter box knows that pets come with a downside. Just as spouses divvy up household chores, they also need to discuss responsibility for pet-related tasks. And if you’re the one who promised to take care of the pet (see #1 above) be prepared to keep your promise.
  • At least Fluffy doesn’t need a college fund. Pet care can be a major item in a couple’s budget. Expenses include food, vet bills, cat litter, grooming supplies, toys and travel crates. As animal health care has become more advanced, and more costly, many people are buying pet health insurance . Couples need to decide if their budget can accommodate the expense of a pet.
  • “It’s me or the cat.” What’s cozier than a furry feline stretched out next to you on a cold winter’s night? Nothing–unless that sleeping cat is literally coming between you and your spouse. Not all spouses want to share their bed with a four-legged creature. People can feel strongly about this issue, so it needs to be discussed before allowing a pet in the bedroom.
  • “He pays more attention to the dog than to me!” Even if said half in jest, that’s not a good sign in a marriage. Pets demand time and attention. It’s easy for one spouse to feel neglected or jealous when the other spends time with the pet.

Pets can be a blessing at one stage of the marital journey and a burden at another. Pet ownership may constrain the young couple who wants the freedom to travel at a moment’s notice. When they become more settled, a pet can make a wonderful addition to the family. An older couple who no longer feels up to caring for pets may decide not to replace them when they die. On the other hand, when the adult child who is allergic to animals moves out, the couple can finally adopt the dog or cat they always wanted.

Do pets belong in a marriage? Certainly the 141 million owned cats and dogs in the U.S. would say so. Just make sure that you and your spouse agree on the ground rules before making the commitment to pet ownership.

About the author
Sheila and her husband share their home with resident cat Dolly Madison and a varying number of fosters.

Personality Differences

The Situation

John is outgoing and can talk easily to almost anyone. Sarah is more reserved and prefers socializing in small groups. She finds herself hurt and uncomfortable when John makes the rounds at parties, leaving her to fend for herself. He can’t understand why she prefers the wallflower approach.

Darrell is practical and pays close attention to details. It is second nature for him to keep careful records of how he spends money. Record keeping is not that important to Kate. She feels restricted when she has to stop and make note of every transaction, as Darrell would prefer.

Tracy is quick to notice people’s feelings and tries to avoid arguments. Chris is firm-minded and enjoys a good argument. He likes to analyze, and persuade with the use of logic. It frustrates him when Tracy says that he is not listening to her when he’s only trying to prove his point.

Michael wishes Anna would pay more attention to punctuality and get to places on time. He prefers life on a schedule and would not think of being late himself. Anna wishes that Michael would be more flexible and not get so uptight about 5 or 10 minutes.

All these couples are dealing with personality differences in their marriage relationships. Though the scenarios seem trivial, these differences can affect essential relational components such as compatibility, emotional support, cooperativeness and intimacy. The very traits that originally attracted and drew these couples together can later seem like flaws that need eliminating within the marriage.

How can couples avoid getting caught up in the power struggles of trying to change the other when their own particular way seems best? Henry Higgins in the musical, My Fair Lady, exemplifies this relational dilemma when he wonders why Eliza Dolittle can’t simply “be like me?”

A Response

The task of attempting to sculpt our marriage partner into our own likeness fails before it begins. God made us unique with our own particular style of “being,” and much of our personality patterns come with the package. The saying, “I’m OK, you’re OK” can be applied to personality differences, for it reflects that no one style is better than the other, and that our differences are an expression of our God-given diversity.

We each have natural inclinations in varying degrees from extroversion to introversion, as well as preference patterns for perceiving information, making decisions, and structuring our life and time. When we try to change our spouse’s natural personality patterns, we negate his or her essential goodness and usually cause resentment, hurt and distrust.

Understanding and Generosity

There is great value in exploring a couple’s personality match to gain a clearer understanding of self, our spouse, and how our styles impact our relationship. Identifying similarities and differences helps couples understand the dynamics of their relationship more clearly, but generosity towards each another is still key to personality compatibility. If we choose to see our differences as GIFTS, we are drawn towards greater acceptance. When we concentrate on our spouse’s strengths and complimentary style, we can appreciate and affirm rather than criticize. Since no personality style is better than another, we can choose to give up our superior attitudes as well.

Balance Leads to Harmony

We also tend to overuse personality patterns with which we are most comfortable. When this occurs, our corresponding limitations become more glaring. For example, the extrovert becomes overbearing or the introvert may appear non-communicative. It’s true we don’t tend to change our basic preferences, but we can develop maturity within our basic style for the sake of our marriage. A generous effort to curb our overuse of a pattern preference increases our own personality balance and brings harmony to the relationship.

Accepting one another’s personality differences is an ongoing process within marriage and is part of the couple’s spiritual growth. As spouses recognize each others’ patterns to be as valid as their own, they allow themselves to be influenced by them as well. Then the saying, “I’m OK, You’re OK” becomes a reality.

Suggested Resource

Many of us have been exposed to personality inventories through college or jobs. A great resource book for couples is, Please Understand Me II, by David Keirsey. It contains a personality style assessment instrument and chapters on marriage and parenting.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

About the author
Judy Clark is Co-Director of Family and Adult Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plano, Texas and a licensed professional counselor.

For Further Reading:

Disillusionment

Many couples today are older, more mature, and have more life experience than couples who married a generation or two ago. Does that mean they enter marriage without the rose-colored glasses that blinds them to their spouse’s shadow side? Maybe not.

Human nature doesn’t change much from generation to generation. Most couples still enter marriage with high hopes and ideals. But if couples fully understood the ramifications of “I do,” would anyone be brave enough to commit? Perhaps it’s like becoming a parent. At the time of conception we may have been fully committed to bringing a new life into the world. As a child grows, however, parents often wonder what they were thinking.

Disillusionment can arise out of silly little things such as fixating on the personality quirks or annoying habits of your spouse. Does she chatter on about insignificant details while you are trying to read the sports page? Does he fuss that your cleaning efforts aren’t up to his standards?

The most common (and perhaps troubling) disillusionment, however, often is phrased as “I just don’t know if I love him (her) anymore.” It’s usually accompanied by a general feeling of loss of excitement and passion for your spouse. You wonder where the romantic feelings of earlier days went. Life might be OK. Nothing tragic or earth-shattering has happened, but it all just seems dull or boring. Is this all that marriage is supposed to be?

Fortunately, both the minor disillusionments and not “feeling” love can often be helped by attending a marriage enrichment program. Marriage enrichment is not meant for couples who have serious problems. It’s for ordinary couples who want to grow closer together or who move their relationship out of a rut.

Marriage enrichment programs will not tell you whose cleaning standards are the right ones. They will usually enhance your communication skills for resolving this yourself. They’ll give you special time away to rediscover and renew your love.

Major disillusionments usually require specialized programs and/or counseling.

For Further Reading:

Careers

At first it probably sounds simple. Get a job to pay the bills so we can live happily ever after. But jobs take a lot of time and sometimes that time is stolen from the time that the marriage relationship needs.

Factor in that there are jobs and then there are careers and things get even more complicated. Generally a job is considered something one does for pay, but it does not necessarily require specialized education. A career is a job that you get paid for. It requires dedication to the field of work, plus you are expected to progress in knowledge and commitment over time.

Careers are usually more satisfying than jobs. The rub for married couples is when career decisions of one spouse conflict or compete with the marriage, family responsibilities, or the career of the other spouse. It’s a matter of discernment and juggling. The balancing act is often not easy. Following are some things to consider when making career decisions.

How much money do we need?

Ignore the temptation to give the flip answer “as much as possible.” A need is different from a want. Sure, it might be nice to have a swimming pool, a fancy car, or an upscale address (choose your luxury), but what is really necessary are the basics: food, clothing, shelter, health care, safety, and care for any children you may have. It’s OK to splurge occasionally but be sure to weigh the cost against the impact these things will have on couple and family time.

Should both of us work outside the home?

This is a complicated question with many variables, such as:

1. How necessary is the double income to survival?

2. How invested are each of us in our jobs or careers?

  • Would it be possible for one of us to take a leave from our career for a time and re- enter without undue penalty later?
  • Could one of us work part- time?
  • Could each of us work half time?
  • Could one of us stay current in our field and feel fulfilled by doing volunteer work?

3. Do we have young children, teens, or aging parents who need attention and personalized supervision?

4. If we have young children, do we have reliable child care providers who share our values and discipline beliefs?

5. Do we both strongly want to work outside the home?

What if our careers create conflict between us?

Some careers may put a marriage at risk because they are all-consuming. The job becomes a mistress or an addiction. It not only takes time, but also energy, away from the marriage. Sometimes the workplace provides the temptation to pursue an extramarital affair. Following are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Does your career require time commitment significantly over 40 hours per week?

2. Does your career require a lot of out of town travel?

3. Is your career so foreign to your spouse that it’s hard to share the nature of your work, at least in a general way?

4. Does your spouse’s work setting put him/her in frequent, intense working relationships with the opposite sex? Are your marital commitment and boundaries clear? Does the workplace support your marriage or put it at risk?

What are some ways to keep work, marriage, and family in balance?

Generally, work and children take their time off the top of a relationship. Work provides necessary income and includes built- in accountability, i.e. a boss, wages, reviews. Children make demands, plus we are responsible for their well- being.

The challenge is to give work and children their due but to balance them with what’s needed to keep a marriage strong. The temptation is to let the marriage go on autopilot because you’re both adults, you know you love each other, and you can let it slide for awhile, when job or kids are demanding your time. The key phrase is “for awhile.” Indeed, most marriages can absorb temporary spurts of attention to an urgent work project or an ailing parent. But it’s easy for a temporary crisis to slide into an ongoing pattern. To avoid this it’s helpful to have some regular marital practices that can prevent the balance from getting out of hand. For example:

1. Commit to a weekly date. This might not always involve spending money or going out, but it should be sacred time to renew your relationship and do something fun together.

2. Agree on how many hours of extra work (at the office or brought home) you can tolerate as a couple. Where do you draw the line and say it’s time to look for a different job?

3. Share what you love and hate about your work with your spouse so you stay connected with each other.

4. If necessary, lower your housekeeping standards (or pay someone to do chores you could do yourselves) to maximize couple/family time.

5. Include your spouse in work travel and parties when possible.

6. Staggering work schedules to minimize child care can be good for your relationship with your child but hard on the marriage. Make sure that your only together time is not while one is sleeping.

7. If you need to gain couple time, say no to nice but non- essential tasks such as:

  • baking cookies for the PTA
  • chairing a charity fundraiser
  • going to events that you can’t do as a couple
  • going to events that you don’t really care about but are in the habit of attending
  • TV, videos, and computer gaming- they can be time wasters

Prioritize

There are so many important and wonderful things we want to do with our time. How do we decide what to do and what to give up or do later?

The bottom line is:

  1. Marriage first (This is the vocation to which you committed yourself.)
  2. Children second (Your children may take more raw time, but not at the expense of your marriage. A healthy marriage is good for your children.)
  3. Job third (Again, your job may take more hours, but don’t let it rule your life.)
  4. Service and Recreation (Good and healthy to do, but make sure the other bases are covered.)

For Further Reading:

Newly Married

The first five years can be exhilarating as couples experience new “firsts” together – their first Christmas as a married couple, first dinner party for the in-laws, even their first joint tax return. At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which is stressful on the relationship.

Most divorces occur during the first five years of marriage (Kreider, 2005), with the highest incidence of divorce coming in year three (Kurdek, 1999). Why?

Sometimes it’s poor choice of spouse. Couples who entered enthusiastically – but blindly – into marriage soon see their spouse’s shadow side when there’s no longer a need to keep up a good front. They realize that they married a person who doesn’t share the remote, likes to chatter in the morning or, much worse, doesn’t share their values. They assume that marriage won’t change that and they divorce quickly.

Others fall prey to the stresses of early marriage. Some of these stresses might be age-related. Young couples may not have developed the emotional maturity, coping and communication skills, or financial savvy to navigate the many decisions thrust upon them early in their marriage. Hanging in there and learning the art of negotiating can resolve many of these issues, but it takes maturity and patience.

Help is available if the couple has the wisdom and humility to seek it. The most important thing to remember is that most of the early stressful adjustments in marriage are normal. Beyond leaving the cap off the toothpaste or the toilet seat up or down, what are the important issues that need to be negotiated?

According to research done by the Center for Marriage and Family at Creighton University (2000), the top three issues for couples during the first five years of marriage are time, sex, and money:

A. Time
You would think that combining households would simplify life and save time. But newly married couples have to keep up with their spouse’s schedule in addition to their own. Add in jobs, education, time for new in-laws and private time together, and it may seem like you’re a hamster running around the wheel of life. Then, when the first child arrives, you realize that life will never be the same.

Most newlyweds struggle to balance family and work. Since work pays the bills, it’s tempting to consider it the top priority. An all-consuming job, however, like a mistress, can steal attention from your spouse. You may need to agree on how many extra hours you can reasonably work. Carving out quality time for the two of you can require sacrifice, such as cutting back on personal hobbies or workouts at the gym. At some point you may need to summon the courage to look for a different job … or work out together.

B. Sex
Sex should be the easy and fun part. After all, you’re married! Why would this cause stress? Despite the conventional wisdom that your sexual relationship should be comfortable and exciting, especially during the early years of marriage, many couples reported problems around the frequency and quality of sexual relations. Developing a gratifying sexual relationship depends on having the time and energy to tend to it. Reread “Time” above. See also Sex and Intimacy for more on this.

C. Money
Most newlyweds are at the beginning of their earning curve. They are also learning to understand and blend their individual attitudes toward money. All of this can be stressful. In addition, many couples bring debt into the marriage, and some couples accumulate too much debt.

Another issue is: “Who has the power?” Many couples consider themselves egalitarian – “We’ll share everything.” Then she finds herself uncomfortable with the loose way he spends “their” hard earned money and he’s annoyed by the way she hoards it. See Finances for more on this.

Other issues include parenting, religious differences, and conflict resolution. Sometimes, the very issues that should bring a couple together, such as a child, faith, and communication, also cause strain. Because couples care so strongly about these things, they are both potential dividers and bonders.

The arrival of a child brings joy – and stress. Parents can feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for a child, in addition to the loss of privacy and freedom. Parenting is hard work and when spouses are tired, they get irritable, just like kids.

Shared faith can bind the spouses together. It also requires that a couple talk about their different approaches to spirituality and God. Some people would rather ignore this part of life out of fear, guilt, or bad experiences. Good communication skills, compromise, unselfishness, and an open mind can help you work through the above issues.

So what can you do when you experience these normal stresses of life in the newlywed lane?

  • Gather with other newlyweds. You’ll find you’re not alone.
  • Keep dating. Prioritize quality time together.
  • Confide in other couples who have recently walked this road. They can help you sort out what’s normal and what is not. They can console you because they’ve been there and comfort you with stories of how it could be worse. Many Catholic parishes offer trained mentor couples for their engaged and newly married couples. Check it out.
  • Seek professional help if an issue begins to separate you.

Resources:

Charis Ministries
Founded in 2000, Charis Ministries reaches those in their 20’s and 30’s throughout the country, nurturing their faith through retreats based in Ignatian Spirituality. Charis’ Christ Alive in Our Marriage retreat invites couples in their first five years of marriage to reflect on how Christ is alive in their marriages, and how they are called to make Christ Alive in our world. Visit the website for more information on the retreat, and to find a schedule of upcoming retreats.

FOUNDATIONS, a bi-monthly newsletter for newly married couples by the authors of Catholic and Newly Married: 5 Challenges and 5 Opportunities

First Years and Forever, a monthly e-newsletter from the Archdiocese of Chicago Family Ministries office

Ministry to the Newly Married, a mentoring-based parish program for newlyweds with the goal of fostering the couple’s relationship skills and broadening their understanding of each other and of living out the Sacrament of Marriage. Offered by Agape Catholic Ministries.

“Time, Sex and Money,” America (2001), based on study by the Center for Marriage and Family, Creighton University, 2000

For Further Reading:

Addictions

If you or your spouse in the past month has taken a drink first thing in the morning to help you recover from a hangover you may be dealing with an addiction problem. There are other possible symptoms, as well. For instance, as a person with an alcohol addiction you may have gotten home from a party in one piece, and even though your car went up on the lawn a bit, you were able to park it and get into the house. But if you don’t know how that scratch on the rear bumper got there, you are showing addiction symptoms.

You may tell yourself, “It must have been someone else who did that” but this is part of your denial. Maybe you say, “What’s the big deal, almost all of my friends are serious drinkers. They drink way more than I ever do.” Such rationalizations also indicate a problem. Most people with an alcohol problem will report that they know exactly how much they drink each night, although they usually low ball the number. They may say, “It’s not even the hard stuff, it’s only wine or a couple of beers.” If your wife or husband complains about it, you write it off as just so much nagging.

If any of this is familiar, or if you or someone close to you thinks you have a problem with alcohol or drugs, most likely you do. If you have a loved one who has this problem you need to get help. Substance abuse and addictions do not disappear; rather, they only get worse when left untreated. Substance abuse, which includes alcohol addiction, is a major problem in the United States, and it is a major source of marital breakups and family problems. It affects all the members of the family, not just the one abusing drugs or alcohol.

Individuals with alcohol or other substance addictions have a distorted sense of reality. They will justify hiding their addiction from family and friends. They might even explain that they drink or escape through drugs to deal with a spouse who makes life difficult, or because they have a stressful job, or their children are such problems.

When their addiction worsens – and it will – they will tell say that the police were unjustified when they got the DUI, or that this really was just a one-time fluke. Even when they begin to have blackouts- memory lapses due to the intoxication- they are able to deny this to you and to themselves.

In addition to the person with the addiction, there is often a spouse who suffers from co-dependency. One of definitions of co-dependency is a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress. As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. A co-dependent person tries to control everything within the relationship- but can’t.

“Recovery” for co-dependent spouses comes when they eventually address their own needs instead of tolerating mistreatment or trying to rescue their spouse. Whether the addictive behavior is relatively minor or more serious, often it is the co-dependent spouse who starts the recovery process by first addressing his or her own need for assertiveness plus improving listening and communication skills. Counseling can bring awareness of dysfunctional behaviors, and help the couple develop new, healthier coping skills.

The denial that accompanies an addiction is a family problem because it often includes the spouse as well. Spouses may cover up for their partner, make excuses, call in to an employer and say he/she is sick when it is really a hangover. They will overlook the fender bender accident. Most of all they tolerate the lack of physical and emotional availability from their spouse due to their “affair” with drugs or alcohol.

Alcoholics Anonymous, known as A.A., and the other 12-Step programs are a great resource. Meetings are held morning, noon and night. Individuals get the support of a sponsor- someone who has gone through the process of recovery and lives their life fully. These people are models of living a life of sobriety. For the spouse of someone with an addiction, as well as for their children, there are Al-anon and Narconon meetings. They support and encourage, and help the co-dependent spouse to stop the ways that he or she may have inadvertently been enabling the addicted person.

With the emergence of the internet, sexual addictions have become an even greater problem. Sexual addictions can range from masturbation to pornographic magazines and videos, to infidelity and paying for sex. It may even be as pathological as breaking into apartments and raping unsuspecting residents. This stage of sexual addiction requires major intervention and usually results in criminal charges as well. Whatever the magnitude of sexual addiction, the one thing all have in common is that the need for sex is more important than the addict’s feelings for his/her spouse.

Addictions are often ruinous to a marriage if they are allowed to continue. They are compulsive behaviors that are usually fueled by deeply seated anger or fear of intimacy. You might be married to a person who was shamed in early childhood. They might have had poor or no sexual education, experienced a parent that sexually acted out, or had serious childhood trauma. They may be a victim of incest or sexual abuse. Sexual acting out in these compulsive ways, as well as other addictions, often indicate emotional pain. They are also used as a substitute for true intimacy.

Treatment often takes the form of individual, marital, and group therapy. Key tasks for recovery include, first and foremost, breaking through the denial. Sometimes this requires that the co-dependent spouse first break his or her own denial and also learn about the addiction process and how one goes about establishing sobriety. Then it is a matter of getting the addict/alcoholic to start a treatment plan. For many, A.A. or N.A. can be an effective solution. For others it can be the starting point in combination with therapy.

Sometimes it is necessary to create an intervention. This is a well-prepared and pre-planned meeting with a professional counselor, family, friends, and perhaps colleagues from work who meet with the addicted person. The participants confront the person with the addiction and the consequences that the addicted behaviors are having on the family, friends and workplace. Usually there is a pre-arranged treatment plan that may include an initial hospital phase, either as an in-patient or outpatient. Hospitalization may be necessary for those who have serious drug or alcohol dependency problems and who need a detoxification first step. Professionals can provide more information. After this initial phase of treatment, it is a matter of establishing sobriety and creating a healthier environment to support continued sobriety. This phase is not easy, as there may be setbacks. This is where 12-Step programs are particularly valuable in reinforcing motivation.

Couple therapy is also an essential part of recovery. A spouse may not be able to recognize the need for his or her involvement, but recovery is much more successful when both spouses are involved. If the addicted person attends A.A., and the spouse possibly attends Al-anon meetings, plus they receive marriage counseling, the marital relationship is more likely to stabilize and the couple can work through the trauma they experienced from the addicted partner’s behaviors. There is also Retrouvaille, a program for married couples who are hurting. It is not specifically for addictions, but it does assist any couple that has experienced a major disillusionment.

With addictions comes the need for reconciliation and forgiveness for the damage caused in the marriage. With help, hard work, and the right kind of support, many couples are able to heal their marriage and create a new and healthier marital life- something they could not have imagined while in the midst of their crisis. With time, patience, and persistence trust can be restored and a new level of intimacy reached. By moving beyond the initial denial and earnestly working each recovery step, a couple can heal and reclaim a life a sobriety from addictive behaviors.

RESOURCES:

Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.)

Al-anon is for spouses, children, parents, or close friends of alcoholics or teens dealing with alcohol problems.

Narconon is a non-profit drug rehabilitation program dedicated to eliminating drug abuse and drug addiction.

Help for Men and Women Struggling with Pornography Use or Addiction (list of support groups, help for parents, and more)

Celebrate Recovery: A Christ-Centered Recovery Program

The Calix Society: An association of recovering Catholic alcoholics, their family and friends, with an emphasis on spiritual activities

Retrouvaille (pronounced retro-vi with a long i) means “rediscovery.” It consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over three months. The main emphasis is on communication between husband and wife. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussion on the weekend.

The Third Option is a group program for marriages. It combines 14 unique skill-building workshops, sharing by mentor couples who have overcome marital problems, and support groups. Because it uses a “self-change” model, one spouse may come alone.

About the author
Donald J. Paglia, MS, CAGS, is the Co-Director of the Family Life Office in the Archdiocese of Hartford.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict resolution is really a subset of communication, but for most couples, communication does not become problematic until there is a disagreement. Even though conflict may be rooted in poor listening skills, lack of affirmation, or clumsy expression of feelings, it deserves special attention because this is where couples most hurt.

Some couples resolve conflicts easily because they have easy- going personalities. Others have had good modeling from their family of origin. But at some point all couples face an issue, a disagreement, a fight that challenges their calm and their skills. It’s connected with the reality that our lives are connected.

When two people share living space, habits, dreams, and often children, there are bound to be times that they think differently and have different opinions on how to handle a situation. If this doesn’t ever occur, it is likely that one partner is avoiding a confrontation, submerging his/her identity, or always giving in. None of these is healthy for marriage over the long haul.

For Further Reading:

Common Values

My husband and I have been married 35 years and have led marriage preparation programs for 30 of those years. We estimate that over that time we’ve prepared over 5,000 couples for marriage. I’m not sure if that makes us experts or outdated and, therefore, irrelevant. I can tell you the obvious – that times have changed and we have changed.

Early in my career, when I taught high school or college students about marriage, I’d say that communication was the key in choosing a mate and keeping a marriage healthy. I’ve changed my mind.

Good communication is not enough

Yes, good communication is essential to a thriving marriage, BUT, it is not sufficient and probably not the most important criteria for choosing a mate. I say this because in my counseling I repeatedly came across couples who had learned the right communication skills and could use them. They knew how to use “I statements,” listen to the whole person, and use active listening. They were often fine, caring men and women, but they had serious difficulty living together happily- not at the beginning, but after several years.

The bottom line often came down to either very different personalities or very different values. The other significant variable was the inability of at least one partner to make a lasting commitment.

Personalities cannot easily be changed, so it’s a red flag when dating couples have very different personalities. Complementary personalities, however, can also be an advantage. For example, she’s a talker, he’s a listener; or he’s a detail person, she sees the big picture. Often people with different personalities can work out accommodations as long as the difference is not too extreme or on too many different fronts. I tell my students that it’s fine to differ on one or two elements of the Myers- Briggs Type Indicator, but if you differ on three or four and the differences are great, you’ll probably have a lot of stress in your marriage.

Common values, however, can be a deal breaker. If one spouse values a simple lifestyle and the other values accumulating wealth, it doesn’t matter how well they communicate, their basic life orientation will present constant opportunities for conflict. If one spouse values faith and the other resents religion, conflict is inevitable. This doesn’t mean that both spouses have to have the same religion, but both must value a spiritual dimension of life.

Another important common value is one’s attitude towards having children. One partner may really want children and feels marriage would not be complete without a child, while the other is ambivalent or, worse, thinks children would impinge upon their lifestyle. Good communication can only clarify this difference, not solve it.

Likewise, if one spouse believes that career is the top priority and the other puts family first, the argument will be eternal- either by outward criticism and fighting or by going underground with general dissatisfaction or depression. Whether one spouse should stay home with young children is a subcategory of this issue.

Different beliefs about respect for human life and other moral values are deeply rooted. Getting new information and talking through differences usually only lead spouses to realize that they have vastly different life goals and values. These will not change without violating one’s integrity and conscience.

Yes, communication is vital, and if couples don’t have good communication skills, learning them can be a marriage saver. But if the values are significantly different, it’s unlikely that even the best communication will be enough.

Is it too late?

This is fine, you may say, for engaged couples who have not yet made a marriage commitment, but what about us married couples? Is it too late? Can value differences be fixed or changed? The answer is that prevention is always preferable but seldom is a situation hopeless. A lot depends on the severity of differences and whether there are compromises that both spouses can tolerate.

I would never want a spouse to violate his/her conscience in order to please a mate, but sometimes one spouse may be too scrupulous. Over time they may learn that not everything is black and white. On the other hand, a spouse who rationalizes away ethical decisions, saying they are unimportant, may, with commitment and effort, develop a more sensitive conscience. It’s not easy, though, since these are life long behavioral patterns.

Sometimes a couple can agree to disagree on a few values and live their lives in different spheres. For example, one night a week she goes to a prayer group and he plays his favorite sport. He supports her and does not interfere with her Sunday worship, even though he doesn’t find it important for himself.

Most serious value differences require counseling. That’s the bottom line.

Try a short exercise to determine how close you and your spouse are on basic marriage values.

COMMON VALUES ASSESSMENT

Circle the values that are most important to you. Consider that some values may initially appeal to you but upon deeper reflection (the statement that follows each value) you realize that you don’t always hold them as a priority. Then rank them in importance from 1-14. Discuss with your fiancé(e) or spouse.

1. Honesty. Yes, but sometimes it’s OK to fudge.

2. Commitment. Sure, but some commitments are just too hard to keep.

3. Fidelity. I don’t plan on having an affair but who knows the future.

4. Loyalty. It might be necessary to violate a loyalty if another’s safety is at risk.

5. Devotion to parents. Parents are important, but spouse comes first.

6. Generosity. I’ll give, but only after I’ve taken care of myself.

7. Peacemaking. Sometimes evil needs to be confronted, even with violence.

8. Living simply. I work hard for my money. Why can’t I enjoy its rewards?

9. Kindness. Some people are too kind and others take advantage of them.

10. Self-control. I believe in being flexible and spontaneous, not being uptight.

11. Education. Education is over-rated. I wouldn’t sacrifice current wants for it.

12. Sacrifice. Suffering and delayed gratification have no use and are to be avoided.

13. Friendship. Friends are nice, but family and spouse are more important.

14. Children. I value my freedom more.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.