Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

3 Modern Obstacles to a Healthy Marriage

If this story, about a couple married for 62 years who died 4 hours apart, does not make you sigh just a little, well … I’m not sure you have a soul.

Or how about the story about Fred Stobaugh, the 96-year-old widower who wrote an ode to his late wife, “Sweet Lorraine,” and entered it in a song-writing contest? If you can watch the video without tearing up, don’t bother reading on. You’re just not human.

Why do stories like these touch our hearts in such a moving way? I think it’s because stories like these so clearly demonstrate the lifelong commitment marriage is meant to be. Till death do us part. We say the words, and we see in them an ideal to aspire to, something we all long to attain, and yet not all of us do.

It’s cliche to lament divorce statistics, but in an attempt to combat the problem of rising divorce rates and declining marriage rates, let’s take a look at some cultural problems that can be obstacles to healthy marriages.

1. We have a mixed-up idea of married love.

It’s normal to go into marriage with some expectation of romance and lovey-dovey stuff. After all, that’s how people wind up wanting to get married in the first place. They fall in love, they have a romantic relationship, and they are so crazy about each other that they can’t wait to start “together forever.” That’s awesome. That’s fun. That’s how God intends for couples to begin.

Every healthy marriage, no matter what stage its in, does have some measure of romantic love. Just as people have different personalities, though, different marriages do too, and most marriages don’t maintain that full-force “romantic” feeling forever. And we should not expect them to.

When people mix up married love with romantic love, they wrongly feel that their marriage is in decline when the romance begins to fade. There are fewer rose-petal baths and more insurance premiums. There are no more love songs and an awful lot of day-to-day drudgery.

Fading romance in a culture that tells couples they can quit when it gets hard, leave when they “fall out of love,” or their spouse “doesn’t make them happy anymore,” is a recipe for discouragement and the kinds of negative, selfish thoughts that can lead to divorce.

2. We fail at self-giving love.

This is a problem I have observed even among very “faithful” Catholics who know and love a lot about their faith. Somehow, we as a Church have failed to help some husbands and wives hear and understand that their call to marriage is a call to make a total gift of self to their spouse.

St. John Paul II emphasizes the importance of “self-gift” in Gaudium et Spes:

Man, who is the only creature on earth which God willed for itself, cannot fully find himself except through a sincere gift of himself.

That “sincere gift of self” he mentions is a daily call to sacrifice, and I will let you in on a little secret: It’s not feel-good stuff. It hurts. Like sacrifice always does. That’s why they call it sacrifice.

In my own life, I have seen what look like “perfect” marriages on the outside fall apart on the inside because of a failure of one or both of the spouses to recognize this simple fact: Love comes first. Charity above all things. You can be an otherwise “perfect” Catholic couple–earning a decent living, setting up a home, having children and educating them well–but if you fail to recognize the importance of loving your spouse with self-giving love, you are failing. At the most important thing. None of that other stuff matters.

We aren’t all perfect at self-sacrifice, of course, and in a healthy marriage there is plenty of room for mistakes, mercy, and forgiveness. The fundamentally important call to hear, however, is the call to love one another and to fully find yourself through a “sincere gift of self” to your spouse. That kind of love isn’t just “nice if you can find it”; it’s what marriage is.

3. We misunderstand the importance of vocation.

Vocation is a tough concept for many of today’s younger generations to understand. The idea of a calling–not a job, but a calling–to marriage, priesthood, or religious life is a foreign one to many. When we fail to recognize marriage as a calling, however, we belittle it. Culturally, it becomes a hobby or something nice to do “if you’re into that kind of thing.” It certainly isn’t something you would sacrifice your career for.

But our culture lets young people know that career goals can trump marriage. Travel plans can take precedence. There’s no hurry.

The sad result is that when people get married later in life, there is less likelihood that they will meet their spouses when both are ready to make a commitment, and there are fewer marriage-ready men and women in the dating pool even for those who are looking seriously for a spouse.

If marriage is a vocation, that means it’s your life’s work; it’s not a job and not something you do on the side. It’s something you do first, and then build to rest of your life around, not something you try to fit in later, once you’ve saved up enough money and you’ve accomplished “more important” things.

The saddest part of cultural obstacles to healthy marriage is that they negatively affect a lot of innocent people who desperately want to answer a call to marriage. They want to find their spouse, get married, begin a life-long commitment, and practice self-giving love. But our culture sometimes gets in the way.

The good news, though, is that our God is an awesome God. The power of an anti-marriage culture may be great, but God is greater and He works with what we give Him. All of us, married, single, divorced, widowed, dating, or something in between, can pray every day for the grace we need to live out Christ’s call to perfection in an imperfect world.

Let’s support marriage. Let’s pray for each other. Let’s encourage each another.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

Things You’ll Wish You Knew Before ‘I Do’

One of my favorite parts of my engagement to my fiancé George, (whom I met on CatholicMatch), came after I said, “Yes.” In the days and weeks following that sunny Saturday in June, treasured nuggets of information began to trickle out from our family and friends, cluing me into the behind the scenes planning that led to George on bended knee.

For weeks, my laid-back then-boyfriend carefully crafted a proposal involving our closest family and friends. From contacting my best friend and her husband to take photos and video footage to coordinating an engagement party at one of our favorite restaurants and swearing everyone to secrecy, he planned every detail, including the perfect location—under the iconic arches at our shared alma mater.

He was intentional and purposeful as he prepared to ask me to be his wife, even incorporating details from my carefully-laid hints during our courtship. Perhaps subconsciously, George was setting the foundation for our time as an engaged couple preparing for the sacrament of marriage and later, our journey as husband and wife.

We’re approaching this life-changing commitment in a different way than many of those around us. I’ve posted before about our wedding plans from choosing the venue to booking our honeymoon, but at the core of each of these choices is a focus on why we’re doing each of these things.

I’m called to be George’s wife and he’s called to be my husband. That’s a reality that goes beyond each of us, and we still do not know exactly what impact our union will have on each other, those around us and the rest of the world. What I do know is that we’re intentionally creating a marriage, not a wedding, through each month leading up to “I do.”

We’re intentionally doing marriage prep. Intentionally not cohabitating. Intentionally planning the wedding Mass. Intentionally planning a life based on faith.

Weddings are commonplace in our society, but not marriages. Among my peer group, I hear many reasons of why couples get married, and in so many instances, they accidentally fall into married life because of outside circumstances and not the prompting of the Holy Spirit. For some, they’re living together already and presume marriage is the next logical step in life. For others, they’re struggling with finances individually and hope that two combined incomes are better than one. Or maybe they just think they’re at the age where they should be married. And so they move forward, promising “‘til death do us part” at a wedding ceremony that they happen to be a part of.

Catholic writer Matthew Warner wrote about accidental living in a recent issue of the magazine Shalom Tidings:

“You were made to live intentionally. You were made to choose how you live your life, not to let life simply happen to you…If life is just happening to you, then you are caught up in the mire and mediocrity of accidental living. An accidental life will never be fulfilling to a creature that was made to choose.”

Just as we were made to choose a life that honors God, we were made to make intentional choices in all other aspects of life, including whom you marry. Living an intentional life is not taking the reins and being in control of every detail of your life. It’s choosing to allow God into your heart to guide you in all of your actions and decisions.

In our careers, we don’t expect promotions to get handed to us. We have to make a series of choices to prove ourselves along the way. You don’t accidentally find yourself in a dream career, even if every stepping stone magically aligned in the perfect way.

The same applies for relationships. You don’t accidentally find yourself in a happy, spiritually-centered marriage. You have to intentionally choose to search for the spouse God has planned for you (like by joining CatholicMatch!) and then live that call out with purpose.

Addressing volunteers at World Youth Day, Pope Francis encourages all of us to fight against the temptation of accidental living to not only follow God’s plan for each of us, but to live a life of happiness:

“God calls you to make definitive choices, and He has a plan for each of you: to discover that plan and to respond to your vocation is to move forward toward personal fulfillment…Have the courage to swim against the tide. And also have the courage to be happy.”
– Pope Francis, Sunday, July 28, 2013

Don’t walk through life waiting for the next accident to occur. Live each day with intention—intention to bring glory to God through your future marriage and your life.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

When a Man Likes a Woman: 5 Do’s

In my then-boyfriend’s apartment, I smiled while I quietly asked a question:

“What crossed your mind the first time you saw me?”

He thoughtfully paused, and aligned his eyes with mine, before he answered without blinking (and, apparently, without thinking):

“I want a piece of her.”

You want a piece of me? The line led to fightin’ words, words that build walls between a woman and a man, which—in that case—was for the best. But the line also led to a realization: When a man likes a woman, he doesn’t do what that guy did (including but not limited to “objectify her”). So what should a guy do when he likes a girl? I’ll tell you:

1. Ask questions. Few pursuits bear less fruit than those of men who desire to find and marry the right woman but refrain from asking women questions. A woman needs to know who you are, but a woman also needs to know that you want to know who she is. We are generally delighted by a good guy’s desire to tell us about his life, but a guy who shares information and doesn’t solicit it does a disservice to a potential relationship. If a man likes a woman, he ought to ask what her goals are, and what she values, and how into comics she is before he lists all the titles in his collection. A man who doesn’t ask a woman questions sends a sign that he isn’t interested in her.

2. Use words. It is equal parts liberating and alarming to acknowledge this important truth: we can’t not communicate. A person says as much by not talking as he or she does by speaking up. But there is a big gap between somebody who doesn’t talk and somebody who does. A guy who crosses his arms, audibly sighs, and rolls his eyes over and over when he is frustrated speaks in code. A guy who tells his date he is frustrated is a grown-up. A woman can’t read anybody’s mind but her own, and a man who doesn’t give her a reason to try to read his is a man who spares her stress. By default, human beings constantly communicate. But when a man likes a woman, he uses words to do it.

3. Seek counsel. Dating is hard. Dating is potentially harder when half a couple seeks advice from somebody who isn’t qualified to give it. When a man likes a woman and needs advice, he considers a person’s credentials before he solicits it. If he wants to know what a woman meant by what she said, he doesn’t poll his friends; he asks her. If he isn’t sure he knows what his vocation is, he doesn’t tweet about it; he meets with a spiritual director. If he struggles to practice chastity, he doesn’t vent to his single but sexually active friends; he asks his friends who are good at chastity to hold him accountable. A man’s respect for a woman and his relationship with her is evident when he seeks counsel about it wisely.

4. Follow through. Actions indeed speak louder than words, but that doesn’t mean what somebody says is irrelevant. When a man likes a woman, he does what he says he’s going to do, and in doing so, he proves he is worthy of her trust. If he tells her he’ll text her, or call her, or DVR a How I Met Your Mother re-run for her, he gives her an expectation. But a man who gives a woman an expectation and then does not fulfill it gives her a reason not to trust him.

5. Save sex. A practicing Catholic woman expects a man to believe before he pursues her that preparedness for marriage is more important than preparedness for a wedding night. As Catholics, we are not called to have sex because sex is pleasurable. We are called to create a pleasurable sexual relationship with the person to whom we are united in marriage.

Marriage, a vocation, is designed to result in the destruction of self-absorption. Saving sex while we date aligns us with that purpose. When a man likes a woman, he does what he can to prepare for the patience, sacrifice, and self-denial that a marriage will require—and saving sex is an exercise in all three.

Article originally published by CatholicMatch Institute, which provides resources to help single Catholics develop a strong foundation for marriage through advocacy, programs, and scholarships. Used with permission.

The One Wedding DIY Project You Can’t Do Without (And the style blogs won’t tell you about)

Anthony and I are married.

It’s surreal to type that sentence.

We’re on our honeymoon as I write this, and we’ve had several moments together in the last two weeks when we look at the other and think, “what did we just do?” The reality of our marriage seems so much bigger than us, and, like all Sacraments, I doubt we’ll ever truly understand the enormity of what happened on July 26th.

But this isn’t a post about wedded bliss. This is a post about how we spent the months and weeks leading up to the wedding. Basically, this is about how we survived “wedding crunch time.”

Like many brides-to-be, I spent a fair amount of time on wedding blogs in the last year. Some of them were helpful, some were hilarious, and some were downright intimidating. But one element connected them all: they each promised to help me plan a wedding that was truly beautiful and unique. In fact, “unique” seems to be the cardinal virtue pedaled by the wedding industry. Apparently, all you need to do to have the most unique and beautiful wedding – a wedding that really says something about YOU – is follow several dozen DIY wedding boards on Pinterest, buy a small Amish village out of their entire stock of mason jars, and prepare for many long hours in front of a computer planning and re-planning, as you slowly assemble the perfect day.

For us, there were a fair amount of preparations, to be sure, and we were blessed with a small army of dedicated friends and family to help us along the way. But when Anthony and I reflected on what made our wedding the deeply beautiful experience it was for us and for our guests, it wasn’t primarily because of the preparations we made. It was because of the prayer we brought to the preparations.

We prayed a lot. We prayed when we wanted to. We prayed when we didn’t want to. We prayed for the people helping us. We prayed for the people praying for us. We prayed when we were joyful. We prayed when we were frustrated. We prayed when prayer seemed like the least practical response to the situation at hand.

Sometimes the results were immediately apparent, and most of the time they weren’t. But regardless, we prayed. We prepared for the practical things that we could, and everything else we entrusted to God. I even started writing to random monasteries a few months before the wedding begging the nuns for their prayers.

About a month before the big day, we decided that we should offer a holy hour the night before our wedding with the friends and family who wanted to attend. I had heard of the practice before and thought it might be something cool if for no other reason than it would give us the chance to be silent for one glorious hour before the madness of the wedding day descended upon us.

We realize now that that hour may have been the most important and greatest gift we could have given our guests and ourselves the whole weekend. It was also, in our opinion, what made the wedding as beautiful – and unique! – as it was.

True beauty is a divine attribute in that it comes directly from God who is Beauty, Truth and Goodness. And each soul He creates is a unique and unrepeatable reflection of His Divine Beauty. So, true beauty can only come from God.

It is absolutely impossible to recreate this unique beauty off a Pinterest board. But the unique wedding of your dreams can be yours if you surrender to the Source of Beauty.

Our wedding wasn’t beautiful because of centerpieces and carefully planned reception seating. It was beautiful because God made it beautiful.

Little by little, through our prayers and the prayers on our behalf, we invited God into our preparations and He helped us surrender our will to Him even in the smallest details.

If we were to offer any advice to a couple preparing for marriage it would be this: Pray. Pray a lot.

When Anthony and I left the holy hour the night before our wedding, we realized more deeply than we had before that the next day was completely in God’s hands. Our wedding was perfect. It was peaceful, it was joyful, and it was a unique and unrepeatable reflection of God’s beauty through two imperfect souls who tried their best to get out of the way.

Editor’s note: this article originally appeared in Sara & Anthony’s blog on For Your Marriage, School of Agape.

Learning Love: The Theology of the Body and the Family (Part 2)

See also: Part One

The Beauty of Human Sexuality

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Eph. 5:31)

While we are bombarded with sexual images and content all around us in the media, when it comes time to having an actual conversation about sex, many are uncomfortable and even unwilling. Yet it is vital that in the security and comfort of the home, these topics are addressed with proper understanding and love.

Sex and sexuality are two extremely misunderstood topics in today’s society, and pervasive lies and confusion make coming to a proper understanding very difficult. In the Theology of the Body, however, Saint John Paul II proclaims the beauty of sexuality and sex, which he calls the “marital act” to signify its proper home. We too must proclaim this truth, starting in our own homes.

It is important that sex and sexuality is a topic that your family can speak about, despite possible discomfort. It is better that parents form their child’s understanding of sex, including the Church’s beliefs and teachings on the subject, than for them to seek out information from the internet or their peers, where they may receive misguided or even harmful exposure and information.

Furthermore, having a safe outlet where the family can speak about these delicate topics can help promote other conversations that are also necessary in family life, such as about same-sex attraction, pornography, lust, and other delicate issues of this nature. As St. John Paul II memorably said, “Be not afraid!” Though uncomfortable, these conversations are necessary lessons and allow the family to grow in love as they grow in understanding.

Called to Love

“This is the body: a witness to creation as a fundamental gift, and therefore a witness to Love as the source from which the same giving springs.” (TOB 14:5)

The Theology of the Body seeks to answer the questions “Who am I?” and “What is my purpose?” It can help to orient our understanding of what we are called to be and do. John Paul II speaks often of the “spousal meaning of the body.” This “spousal meaning” is not something meant only for married spouses, but is a calling for all people to make a sincere gift of self to others.

In family life, we are constantly called to make sacrifices and offer a sincere gift of self. Examples are easy to think of: parents working to provide for their children and family, neighbors serving neighbors by keeping the neighborhood safe and clean, children sharing their toys with each other, and all other small daily sacrifices that take place within the family. Showing your family by example how to love in such a way helps them to live out their calling to love.

The Body of Christ

“Man became the ‘image and likeness of God’ not only through his own humanity, but also through the communion of persons which man and woman form right from the beginning” (TOB 9:3)

The Christian life is not meant to be lived alone. In our calling to love we are called to participate in the Body of Christ as members of His body here on Earth. Our first encounter with the body of Christ happens in our family, and it is within our family, the domestic Church, that we participate in the larger Universal Church.

The Church is missionary in nature and seeks opportunities to worship and serve God, and so too must the domestic Church. Praying together as a family, serving the poor and hungry by donating clothes and food, visiting elderly family members and neighbors, and lending a helping hand to those in need are all ways in which the family can actively work as the Body of Christ on Earth.

Through the study of the Theology of the Body and a prayerful attempt to live it out in our lives and families, we are able to grow in love of God and each other and come to a better understanding of who we are as creatures made in the image and likeness of God. Our service to the communion of persons begins in the home and branches out through prayer, service to those in need, and striving to serve the Lord.

About the author
Colleen Quigley was a summer intern in the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth in 2014, before her senior year at the Catholic University of America where she studied Theology and History.

Learning Love: Theology of the Body and the Family (Part 1)

Saint John Paul II’s catechesis on the human person and love, commonly known as the Theology of the Body, has developed an ever-growing following and continues to captivate the attention of young and old, religious and lay, married and single persons throughout the world. There are many different ways to learn about this teaching: through programs, courses, personal study, and group reflection. However, there is one place that serves as an excellent classroom for the Theology of the Body: the family.

The family is the domestic Church. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “The home is the first school of the Christian life where all learn love, repeated forgiveness, and prayerful worship” (no. 1666). It is in the context of our families that we first learn love. One way in which families can accomplish this formation in love is to take steps to live out the Theology of the Body in the home.

This might seem like a daunting task, but teaching your family about the Theology of the Body does not necessarily mean sitting them down and explaining the eschaton (the “end times”) or talking about sex, although that is part of it. Teaching your family the Theology of the Body is no more or less than teaching them that they are loved and called to love.

As a fundamental anthropology of the human person, John Paul II’s Theology of the Body is not meant only for those who are married but for all members of the human race, no matter their age, relationship status or vocation. Theologically, there are many complex aspects of this teaching, but we do not all have to be theologians or scholars to understand the core principles or to live them out in our homes and our lives. Here are a few examples of how the Theology of the Body can be lived out in the home.

The Goodness and Beauty of the Body

“God created man in his image; in the image of God he created him.” (Gen 1:27)

Recognizing the goodness and beauty of the body is the first step to living out the Theology of the Body. In the first part of his catechesis on the Theology of the Body, St. John Paul II reflects on the creation accounts found in Genesis, and he reflects on the fact that man was created by God in His image and likeness and was deemed “good” by God (Gen 1:31). As a creation of God, the body is good and should be cared for and respected by ourselves and others.

The Incarnation further dignifies the human body since through His Incarnation, Christ entered the world with a body that is like our own bodies. As the Second Vatican Council said in a section often quoted by John Paul II, “Only in the mystery of the incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light.…Christ, the final Adam…fully reveals man to man himself and makes his supreme calling clear” (Gaudium et Spes, no. 22).

Affirming the body’s beauty and dignity does not necessarily mean telling someone that they look “beautiful” in terms of worldly standards, but rather assuring them that they are beautiful as a unique creation of God. As family members’ bodies change over time, it is especially important to emphasize the goodness of the body and the ways in which it reflects Christ in a very real way. This teaches them that as their bodies – and the bodies of others – change for better or for worse, they are not losing any of their worth.

Affirming the goodness of the body also means proclaiming the goodness of your own body. It is often easier to see the goodness and beauty of others, but when it comes time to recognize it in ourselves, suddenly we are left with nothing good to say. As a good and beautiful creation of God, each one of us is called to accept our bodies, as a man or as a woman, and to care for them.

The Language of the Body

“The body is…the means of the expression of man as an integral whole, of the person, which reveals itself through ‘the language of the body.’” (TOB 123:2)

Very often, we are unconscious of the messages that we are sending with our bodies, yet they are powerful tools of communication. As St. John Paul II said, “Through sexual union the body speaks a ‘language’…this language must be spoken in truth” (TOB 106.3). But this language is not solely spoken through the sexual union. Our bodies can communicate how we feel about ourselves, those we are with, the situation we are in, our mood and countless other messages.

We must become conscious of this language and use it in a way that communicates the love of God and recognizes the beauty and dignity of each human person. Try to recognize the messages that your family members are sending to you through their body language, and the messages that you are sending to them. Having a discussion about this can bring your family to an awareness of the language of the body.

Simple things such as looking up from your phone during a conversation, making eye contact, and dressing both modestly and appropriately for the occasion, all communicate that you recognize the dignity of the person(s) before you and recognize that they too are made in the image and likeness of God and are worthy of love and service.

Emily Stimpson’s book These Beautiful Bones: An Everyday Theology of the Body beautifully elaborates on how manners, dress codes, and body language can be simple ways of living out the Theology of the Body in our everyday lives.

Next: Part Two.

About the author
Colleen Quigley was a summer intern in the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth in 2014, before her senior year at the Catholic University of America where she studied Theology and History.

Signs of Grace

The Catechism of the Catholic Church describes grace as the “free and undeserved help that God gives us to respond to his call to become children of God.” My husband, Frank, and I have experienced God’s “undeserved help,” as we have wrestled with His plan for our family. We now know it was God’s grace that guided our journey.

Frank and I met in our work place soon after college. Our first date was at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, my fortune cookie read, “Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you.” Frank thought it was the coolest thing ever—I wondered if it was a setup! From that unexpected beginning, we married and had five children almost immediately. Because of our family size, people often assumed that we were “good Catholics,” thinking that we had always accepted the Church’s teaching prohibiting contraception. In our case that assumption would be wrong. We had used contraception despite the fact that the priest who prepared us for marriage taught us Church teachings. We stopped using contraception only to have our first baby,Emily. We did the same for our second child, Madeline, and our third child, Sam.

Around the time that Sam was born, Frank and I became involved in youth ministry. This prompted me to question our own contraceptive behavior. If we had to explain the Church’s teachings on chastity, I thought, we should follow them ourselves! I quickly ordered Natural Family Planning (NFP) books and signed up for the local diocesan class. Before class began however, I skimmed through the book and started tracking my menstrual cycle on a calendar. One romantic evening soon after that, with total disregard for the calendar , we conceived our twins, Caroline and Sophia.

Having five babies within six years was extremely overwhelming. Without hesitation I forgot about NFP and got a prescription for birth control pills. Something quite unexpected then happened. During these years using contraception I lost my sexual desire for my husband. Sex became one more thing I had to do for somebody. In addition, Frank and I began to fight about sex. Needless to say, this was upsetting—I loved my husband and I often prayed that God would help us!

In this difficult period a new parish priest came into our lives. With every examination of conscience in preparation for the Sacrament of Reconciliation he would bring up contraception. I would immediately dismiss the subject. “That teaching doesn’t apply to us,” I thought, “we have five kids!” And yet, this new priest ’s comments stuck with me and my heart remained restless. The turning point for me happened after a conversation about sterilization.

One of our friends had been sterilized and asked me when Frank would “get snipped.” Without missing a beat, I said, “Maybe for my birthday.” The fact that I so easily thought of sterilization got me thinking— how could I, we , decide to do something so major without talking about it and praying? Soon after this realization, I wondered why we were not open to having another child. I found myself offering simple prayers asking God to help us. It was the first time that I had asked God for guidance regarding our fertility. From that simple step , God began to send signs though neighbors, family and friends.

Soon after that, I spoke with our new parish priest about my concerns. He confirmed that the Church’s teachings were true and gave me CDs and books to learn more. At the same time, I kept receiving signs about having a sixth child. For example, when we were out to dinner I complimented a woman about the behavior of her five children. She thanked me and mentioned that her sixth child was away at college. At a parish meeting I saw an old friend who commented that she thought I had a new baby. She had not known we were discerning. I shared these and other experiences with our new parish priest and asked if they were signs from God. He said if they were, they would not stop coming. Father’s words could not have been more true—the signs kept coming.

Meanwhile, Frank and I signed up for NFP class. It may sound like an exaggeration, but from the first day we began using NFP everything immediately felt different. Frank would set the alarm, take my temperature, and re cord the numbers on the chart. I felt so taken care of. I felt a tenderness that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I liked that he was learning about my body. It was helpful that he knew where I was in my cycle, especially during difficult days. I came to understand this total love and acceptance in a deeper way.

As we lived the NFP lifestyle, we began to realize that all of our reasons for avoiding pregnancy were “earthly”— we would need a new car, a bigger house, and more money for everything. An unexpected encounter with an old man in a donut shop broke through our hesitation. “So, how many kids do you have?” I asked. “Three boys and three girls,” he responded. I got the biggest smile on my face, called my husband to share the story, and that evening our precious son,Thomas Anthony, was conceived.

It is by the grace of God that we have our children and a redeemed sex life as well. My husband, Frank, and I have learned that our sexual union should be focused on giving rather than getting. NFP provided the environment to live this out. We are so grateful that we now have the kind of marital union that God had planned for us! I t has changed our lives so much that we became NFP teachers to spread the good news.

Now that we use NFP, we see our married life as always having an opportunity to love like God loves. Of course, God provides the grace, and we must choose to participate with Him. I am convinced that there is something about getting the sexual element of marriage “right with God” that ends up affecting everything. Marital union is the marriage vows made flesh and every act of intercourse is a renewal of these vows. Only a union centered on God and His will in our lives will truly satisfy the desires of our hearts!

About the author
Jennifer, her husband Frank, and their six children are from the Diocese of Cleveland.

Surviving the First Year of Parenthood

When a couple discovers that they are expecting their first child, they know (hopefully) that they are in for some tremendous changes. This is the case no matter their age, no matter the size of their home or their income, and no matter how long they have been married. That the birth of the first child marks a time of incredible changes to a couple’s lifestyle and priorities is a universal truth.

In my vocation of marriage, I am called to love God first, my spouse second, and my children third. Not only is this the best thing for my marriage, it is also the best thing for my son. Pope Benedict XVI once asked parents to “first of all remain firm for ever in your reciprocal love: this is the first great gift your children need if they are to grow up serene, acquire self-confidence and thus learn to be capable in turn of authentic and generous love” (Family, 44). My relationship with my husband is my most important relationship on this earth.

The fact is, though, that when you get home from the hospital, there is a very tiny and very needy little person completely depending on your time and energy to survive and thrive. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the needs of your new baby, in learning how to fulfill them, and in attempting to rise above your own feelings of utter and complete exhaustion. What does putting your spouse first and taking care of your marriage look like then? And what does it look like when those first few stressful weeks pass by and life gets “back to normal”– but “normal” is anything but?

Looking back on that first year of my now sixteen-month-old son Charlie’s life, there are certain things that helped my husband Daniel and me to adjust to loving each other in our new life.

Spending Time Together

First of all, spend time together. No kidding, right? Usually this very common piece of advice focuses on the importance of time spent without the baby, but while it is nice to get away for a couple of hours in between nursing sessions, this may not always be practical.

Fortunately, in order to have “quality time” with your spouse, you don’t necessarily need to leave your little one behind. An infant in your arms doesn’t impede adult conversation in any way, doesn’t yet need to be chased around the house, and will usually only cry if there is something wrong that can very easily be fixed. Early on, enjoying a meal or a movie at home with my husband with Charlie close by was much more relaxing for me than being away from him and wondering how he was. Once we put Charlie to bed we had the living room to ourselves, and we made our time together special right where we were, using the space that we had. This was especially important with our preferred sleeping arrangements which put Charlie in our bedroom for almost his entire first year.

Don’t feel as though you have to mentally “get away” from your baby either. Especially if one parent is staying home, avoiding the baby as a topic of discussion so that you can have “adult conversation” probably won’t work. Couples talk about what they are connected to emotionally and their day’s experiences. It is only natural that you will find yourself talking about your child a lot.

Daniel and I have found this to be a great bonding experience. Sharing with each other every day the joys, big and small, that Charlie brings to our lives helps us to remember the miracle– that Almighty God used our love for one another to create a brand new person. We help each other to hold onto that wonder that filled us during the first few hours of getting acquainted with our newborn boy. “That’s your son,” I might say to Daniel as we sit at home watching Charlie play. “Look at the little person he’s becoming.” Holding on to the awe at the miracle of his existence and remembering that this little boy is, in a sense, our love for each other made visible, binds us ever closer together.

A Little “Thank You” Goes a Long Way

Alas, everyday life with an infant isn’t all joyful meditation. In fact, at times it seems that it’s all sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and a baby-shaped weight glued to your hip while dishes pile up on the counters. It is in this everyday existence that it often becomes difficult for me to see beyond the tip of my own nose to realize that my husband is also tired and stressed, and it is in this everyday existence that the little things can go a very long way.

For example, don’t let anything go without thanks, whether it is for your spouse cleaning up from dinner or going to work every day to provide for your little family. Other affirmations are appreciated, too. When I watch Daniel reading a story to Charlie and think about what a good daddy he is, I try to tell him so. It is so uplifting to be on the receiving end of these kinds of affirmations. One day I had just sat down on the couch to nurse eleven-month-old Charlie. “I know I see it all the time,” Daniel said as he gazed lovingly at the two of us, “but it’s still so precious.” This was so special to me that I still feel myself glowing just thinking about it.

The gift of facilitating personal time is another thing that is extremely appreciated. I’m talking about when Daniel takes care of Charlie to give me time for a leisurely shower, or wakes up with Charlie in the morning and takes him into the living room to play so that I can have an extra half hour of sleep. To a sleep-deprived mom (or dad), there really is no better way to say “I love you.”

These are all ways that spouses can take care of each other and help one another to adjust during the first year of parenthood. I saved the most important for last, though, and that concerns the rock of faith that marriage should be built on. Attend Mass together. Pray and read Scripture together. Share your feelings and struggles, without fear of how they may be taken. Lift up your spouse in your personal prayer. Also, do things according to the way God designed them, through the practices of natural family planning and, if you can, breastfeeding. With God as the rock you cling to, your love will weather this and every storm that comes your way. Really, though, I can hardly call the first year of my firstborn’s life a storm; it has brought way more joy than it has destruction.

My Husband the Gentleman

Even before I knew it by name, I have always believed chivalry to be very important. When I was a teenager, it was on my list of characteristics and qualities that I found particularly appealing in boys. This might sound crazy, but “yes,” I really did have a list, and I really did go over it with a pencil and check it off whenever a new boy caught my attention. This li st included everything from “is Catholic” and “has a relationship with God” to “likes kids,” “makes me laugh” and “my parents like him.” Seriously, close to the top of the list I wrote, “is chivalrous.”

In being on the watch for chivalry for so long, one of the first things that attracted me to my future husband, Daniel, was that he was an almost perfect gentleman (I say “almost” because no one is perfect—but I happen to think my Daniel is pretty darn close). When Daniel was with me, I never found myself opening a car door or any other door. If his arms were empty, mine immediately were cleared of whatever they were carrying (except for my purse, of course—he wouldn’t carry that!). As the years went by, none of these chivalrous habits disappeared. Daniel wasn’t trying to impress me during our courtship. He’s just a gentleman, pure and simple.

Now that we’re married, there’s an even more meaningful way that Daniel has been able to be a gentleman for me. In our experience with Natural Family Planning, I can tell you that I feel so respected and well cared-for by my husband in a very big way. He would never treat my healthy body, working perfectly as God designed it, as though it was diseased and in n eed of being “fixed” just to be sexually more available to him at all times.

In addition, Daniel would never encourage me to put my health at risk. Many dangerous side effects result in using hormonal contraception. In fact, something is not quite right when people take a daily pill or wear a patch in order to prevent a healthy reproductive organ from working properly. Contraception is not the way to go and I have a wonderful, chivalrous gentleman who knows that!

This pretty much sums up what I’m getting at: one day over the summer, Daniel said to me, “I’m really glad that we don’t use contraception. I feel like that would really cause me to see you as more of an object. You don’t deserve that.”

That is my “knight in shining armor.” I’m so glad I put chivalry on my list!

This article was adapted from “Sarah’s Blog,” ForYourMarriage.org, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, 2009. It is used here with permission.

Why Natural Family Planning Differs from Contraception

In 1998 Pope John Paul II wrote a letter to Dr. Anna Cappella, director of the Center for Research and Study on the Natural Regulation of Fertility at Rome’s Catholic University of the Sacred Heart. The occasion was a convention commemorating Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI’s 1968 encyclical. Excerpts are reprinted below.

I hope that everyone will benefit from a closer study of the Church’s teaching on the truth of the act of love in which spouses become sharers in God’s creative action.

The truth of this act stems from its being an expression of the spouses’ reciprocal personal giving, a giving that can only be total since the person is one and indivisible. In the act that expresses their love, spouses are called to make a reciprocal gift of themselves to each other in the totality of their person: nothing that is part of their being can be excluded from this gift. This is the reason for the intrinsic unlawfulness of contraception: it introduces a substantial limitation into this reciprocal giving, breaking that “inseparable connection” between the two meanings of the conjugal act, the unitive and the procreative, which, as Pope Paul VI pointed out, are written by God himself into the nature of the human being (HV, no. 12).

Continuing in this vein, the great pontiff rightly emphasized the “essential difference” between contraception and the use of natural methods in exercising “responsible procreation.” It is an anthropological difference because in the final analysis it involves two irreconcilable concepts of the person and of human sexuality (cf. Familiaris Consortio, no. 32).

It is not uncommon in current thinking for the natural methods of fertility regulation to be separated from their proper ethical dimension and to be considered in their merely functional aspect. It is not surprising then that people no longer perceive the profound difference between these and the artificial methods. As a result, they go so far as to speak of them as if they were another form of contraception. But this is certainly not the way they should be viewed or applied.

On the contrary, it is only in the logic of the reciprocal gift between man and woman that the natural regulation of fertility can be correctly understood and authentically lived as the proper expression of a real and mutual communion of love and life. It is worth repeating here that “the person can never be considered as a means to an end, above all never a means of ‘pleasure.’ The person is and must be nothing other than the end of every act. Only then does the action correspond to the true dignity of the person.” (cf. Letter to Families, no. 12).

The Church is aware of the various difficulties married couples can encounter, especially in the present social context, not only in following but also in the very understanding of the moral norm that concerns them. Like a mother, the Church draws close to couples in difficulty to help them; but she does so by reminding them that the way to finding a solution to their problems must come through full respect for the truth of their love. “It is an outstanding manifestation of charity toward souls to omit nothing from the saving doctrine of Christ,” Paul VI admonished (HV, no. 29).

The Church makes available to spouses the means of grace which Christ offers in redemption and invites them to have recourse to them with ever renewed confidence. She exhorts them in particular to pray for the gift of the Holy Spirit, which is poured out in their hearts through the efficacy of their distinctive sacrament: this grace is the source of the interior energy they need to fulfill the many duties of their state, starting with that of being consistent with the truth of conjugal love. At the same time, the Church urgently requests the commitment of scientists, doctors, health-care personnel and pastoral workers to make available to married couples all those aids which prove an effective support for helping them fully to live their vocation (cf. HV, no. 23-27).