Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

Whose Job Is It?

Most people have been raised to expect that certain jobs are done primarily by one sex or the other. Despite these stereotypes job assignments aren’t written in stone. Many couples shift their roles and responsibilities several times throughout the years of their marriage. Is it time for some job reclassification in your marriage?

The issue may be more serious than you think. One of the main causes of domestic problems is domestic – as in, housework. Who picks up the used newspapers? Who takes out the trash? Who will empty the dishwasher? Who walks the dog? Sound familiar? Neil Chethik polled 300 husbands across the age spectrum for his book, VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment (Simon and Schuster, 2006). “Housework showed up right after money as the top issue of discord,” he said. “It was higher on the list than sex, higher than raising the children, ahead of every other issue you can name.” In other words, couples can build a happier marriage by finding better ways to share the mundane tasks of their life together.

Sometimes a wife clings to more than her share of the housework out of a need to meet the expectations – real or imagined – of her mother or friends. Even if her husband is willing, the quality of his help leaves something to be desired, in her mind. Or if a man prides himself in a spotless car, the way his dad always did, he may be loath to let his wife take on that task.

Blending our two worlds and creating a partnership of life and love sometimes comes down to changing how we wash the dishes, make the bed, or store the groceries. We can let go of our idea of perfection in order to accept the help of our spouse. Sharing tasks means more time at the end of the day for us to appreciate each other. It is about making our relationship a priority.

Finances: Yours, Mine, Ours

The Situation

Tim’s aunt sold her large home and moved to a retirement village. She decided to share some of the proceeds with Tim and Megan and sent them $6,000 to be used any way they pleased. After their initial excitement, the couple began to discuss how to use the unexpected boost to their financial picture.

Megan immediately suggested putting the whole amount into their savings account. The couple had dipped into their savings recently due to the expense of fixing the foundation of their older home. Megan saw the money gift as a way of shoring up their “safety net” of funds for future emergencies. She viewed money as security. Having grown up in a home where money was always tight, she carried the fear of not having enough into her adult life. She wanted her present family to be better prepared.

This approach wasn’t what Tim had in mind. He saw money as a resource to be spent on things or activities that provided fun and satisfaction in life, for oneself and others. He was responsible with money to pay bills and take care of the family, but had been known to overindulge in using money for enjoyment. There were no money concerns in Tim’s growing up years. Whatever he needed or wanted was at his fingertips. And after all, this was his aunt; shouldn’t he have more say in the matter?

This was not the first discussion about finances where Tim and Megan differed in how they viewed money and its uses. What are possible healthy choices for Tim and Megan as they work through this issue together?

The Prescription

Surveys identify money as one of the top issues over which couples have conflicts. Therefore, developing a couple-style of managing money is crucial to the health of a marriage. If a couple can’t work through their money issues together, the relationship will face problems of distrust, resentment and insecurity.

Since money is necessary for our well-being, it is a strong emotional issue in all of us. Tim viewed the use of money through the lens of enjoyment while Megan saw money as a means of security. Others may regard money through the lens of status, success, or a way of maintaining independence or security. None of these orientations is wrong in itself unless taken to extremes, or if one spouse refuses to consider the other’s view.

Tim and Megan can benefit from the following principles and skills as they make decisions about money matters in their marriage:

  • Come to the discussion with respect for your spouse’s perspective and input. Develop an attitude of an “intent to learn.” This requires a commitment to careful listening and prevents protective posturing.
  • Work towards a balance of views and uses of money to achieve a sense of success, security, enjoyment, and well-being. For example, Tim and Megan might elect to put $4,000 in savings and use the rest for a couple trip.
  • Avoid one-sided decisions. Make a budget plan and stick to it.
  • Remember that in marriage what is mine is yours – even gifts from a relative.
  • Avoid debt overload by saving and living within your means. If irresponsible spending has been an issue, set up a budget that reduces expenditures in order to get debt under control.
  • Remember that donations to one’s faith congregation are not meant to be leftovers, but an integral part of your budget.
  • Become an informed money manager couple. Reading a book or article on money issues (i.e. The Marriage Journey: Preparations and Provisions for Life Together by Linda L. Grenz & Delbert C. Glover) or taking a financial planning course together helps couples make more responsible and agreeable financial decisions.
  • Money matters in a marriage. When spouses take time to understand and honor each other’s perspectives on money and make wise and generous financial decisions, money becomes a bonder and not a divider in their relationship.

About the author
Judy Clark is the Co-Director of Adult and Family Ministry at St. Mark the Evangelist Parish in Plana, Texas. Judy is also a licensed professional counselor.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

When Rain Drenches a Marriage

Despite chill and rain plus forecasts of possible snow during this year’s diocesan Wedding Anniversary Celebration, couples streamed into the Cathedral that afternoon. Their bright eyes and spring attire contrasted with the gloomy weather. On that day, honoring their twenty-five and fifty years of matrimony, they looked so radiant one would think their marriages were made in heaven and dwelt there ever after.

More than likely these couples had survived lots of damp, dreary days. All marriages have their stormy seasons and years. The blissful days of early marriage succumb at some point to disillusionment. For some couple the honeymoon ends quickly while others do not notice dark clouds for five, ten, or twenty-five years. Life-cycle issues such as the stress of raising children, changes demanded during adolescent years, and the need to develop a mature adult relationship when the children leave home, and other factors can dim romance. Besides making spouses miserable, unmanaged disillusionment can swamp a marriage.

Disillusionment proceeds from the perception that one’s spouse is not the dreamboat that first captured the lover’s heart and that this marriage is not the ecstasy anticipated. Sunshine, smiles, and “sweet nothings” are battered by high winds and icy retorts. As disenchantment deepens husband and wife become filled with negative feelings and prone to distorted thinking.

Given the inevitable bad weather in marriage, how can couples survive disillusionment and create a marriage that is still satisfying on their golden anniversary? Although disillusionment is about an illusory dream (of the self, spouse, and marriage), it can also be a divine gift. Consider that God is revealing that what we thought our marriage would be is not expansive enough. Our illusion is a shadow of God’s dream that our marriage be a deep friendship, an intimacy that mirrors the relationship of the Trinity, a passionate and fruitful love. Disillusionment may be God’s cold water thrown on our complacency.

A couple who shares a sense of their marriage’s purpose allows God’s rain to nurture seeds of deeper commitment. Realizing that marriage is more than one-plus-one and that their love and fidelity form a holy sign for their families and larger community offsets discouragement. Focusing on the significance of the marriage for their children’s well-being (backed by social science data) can help a couple endure some difficult years. Talking about the future and sharing a positive vision for their marriage helps strengthen commitment for the long term.

A spouse suffering disillusionment must take personal responsibility. A look in the mirror can be revealing. Am I blaming this unhappy face on my spouse? What needs and wants do I expect my partner to take care of? How does my behavior affect my spouse? Am I trying to build the spouse I imagined instead of accepting the one I married?

Secondly, listen to your spouse without defending or rebutting. Check whether you have heard accurately. Share your own feelings and hopes honestly. Husbands and wives can take positive steps to counteract disillusionment and reinvigorate their marital friendship.

For example:

  • Do something nice for your spouse: say thank you, write a love note, prepare a candlelight dinner for two, offer ordinary tasks as a prayer for the other.
  • When conflict flares, call “time out” and arrange to talk when you will be calmer and free of distractions.
  • Approach problems as a team.
  • Spend some time outdoors together every week and make time for fun.
  • If you are Catholic, avail yourself of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist.
  • Do something different together: go on a date, share prayer, plan a day trip or vacation, bake bread, take dancing lessons.
  • Go to a communication workshop, marriage enrichment weekend, or couple’s retreat.
  • Make your wedding anniversary special without incurring too much cost.

Recent research shows that more than eighty percent of couples who described themselves as “unhappy” indicated five years later that they were happier, most rating their marriages as either “very happy” or “quite happy” (Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage). Simply enduring the difficult years has merit, yet a couple can better handle disillusionment by actively building commitment and rediscovering what their marriage is meant to be – even on rainy days.

Career Conflicts

The Situation

Julie and Jason thought they had it all worked out. When they were dating they had talked about how important it was to both of them to pursue their careers after marriage. Julie is a lawyer and Jason works in the IT industry. They even reconfirmed their intentions during their marriage preparation program. They knew they wanted to have children but they thought they could do it all. After all, Julie had gone to day care while her mother worked and Jason figured that with their combined incomes they could afford high quality day care when the time came.

Well, the time has come. Julie recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and they are both enthralled with their new role as parents. The problem? Julie has really bonded with little Jemima and she’s rethinking their decision. She finds it hard to imagine leaving Jemima when her three- month maternity leave is up.

Jason also has bonded with Jemima and certainly wants the best for his wife and new baby, but he’s practical. Their mortgage is based on both of them working full time and besides, with so many people being laid off, he’s not sure his own job is secure. On the other hand, quality day care is expensive. They wonder if they can afford it even with two salaries. How would you advise Julie and Jason?

A Response

It would be tempting to say that Jason and Julie should have anticipated this possibility and not bought a house dependent on two incomes. Perhaps they should have tried to live on one income and used the other salary for one time or discretionary purchases. This would have given them the freedom for one of them to quit work should a change of heart arise. Tempting, but they can’t undo the past. It also would be nice if their baby wasn’t born in the midst of a recession, but they, like most of us, have little control over such matters and certainly couldn’t have predicted it.

A more helpful and realistic approach would be to weigh carefully the various competing values. As in many moral dilemmas there may be several goods or problems that contend for priority.

Certainly Julie and Jason want to use the skills they’ve spent a long time honing. Not only are most careers personally fulfilling, many contribute to serving humanity. To work is an honorable and necessary part of life. As Scripture says, “The laborer deserves his wages” (Lk 10:7).

On the other hand, parenting is a career in itself. It takes intense devotion and time to raise a child. Not every parent feels parental instincts to the same degree, but strong instincts are not easily ignored, nor should they be. Then there is the value of wanting to be responsible parents. Caring for a child requires presence AND money. So we have the values of self-fulfillment, sacrificing time and money to care for a child, and making money to pay for a child’s needs.

When goods such as these conflict, consider the following steps when making a decision of conscience.

1. Gather the facts. How much money do Julie and Jason really need to make ends meet? If one of them puts his or her job on hold for a period of time, they will lose income but they may also save on work-related expenses. Plus, they wouldn’t have to pay for day care. Do the math. What would the bottom line budget look like?

2. Assess the emotional facts. Both Jason and Julie need to be honest with each other about their feelings. How guilty would Julie feel if she left Jemima to go back to her career right now? How fearful is Jason about losing income? Do either of them feel guilty or betrayed by Julie’s change of view? How regretful might Julie feel later if she postponed her career and found it hard to resume? Knowing the strength of these feelings doesn’t solve the problem but it helps them understand the motivations behind their differing positions.

3. Assess the alternatives. Is there any middle ground? Is a part time job a possibility? Would downsizing their lifestyle make it possible to make ends meet financially? Would it be possible for Jason to put his career on hold? Is the issue mostly Julie’s maternal instinct of wanting to be with Jemima or is it her larger concern of having someone else raise their child?

4. Consult others with experience. Sometimes choices feel so complex that it’s hard to evaluate. Here’s where other experienced parents can be helpful. Don’t just talk to the stay-at-home moms, however, or converse only with those who have decided on dual careers. Talk with both, especially those who hold different views from your own. They help check our rationalizations.

5. Bring it to the Lord. When decisions are confusing, bringing them to prayer can help us see more clearly. It’s not that we expect to hear a voice or get an e-mail from God. Prayer isn’t magic, but it can be powerful. Placing our worries, confusion, and hopes before God can bring clarity and peace. Prayer is a place of complete honesty since God knows our heart. There’s no reason to pretend or hide our motivations. Praying as a couple over this decision can help Julie and Jason to see the options clearly and generously. It can also bond them more closely as a couple.

Life decisions such as these are not easy but prayerful decision-making is a skill that transcends any one decision. Jason and Julie should find it helpful in the many future dilemmas they are sure to face as Jemima grows in wisdom and grace, and continues to perplex her parents.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

To Work or Not to Work

“But a family just can’t make it on one income anymore!” This is a complaint that I hear more and more from both engaged couples and families with young children as they consider whether both parents will continue to work outside the home after the birth of their child.

This issue is not one to be tackled by the fainthearted. Certainly there are strong emotions connected with both positions on whether both parents of young children should work outside the home. Before I share my personal viewpoint let me clarify a few points.

Some families genuinely do not have a choice. Certainly most single parent families and any family below the poverty level truly cannot make ends meet on just one income even with a modest lifestyle.

Please note that I always qualify “work outside the home.” I am well aware of the strenuous, draining, and demanding work that a parent of young children does at home. Not only is this truly WORK, it generally is very low gratitude and low self-esteem work. On the other hand, some parents’ employment is based in their home. For the purpose of this article, this counts as work “outside the home.”

Although older children (ages 6 and up) still require a degree of physical care and certainly emotional care and presence, I focus here on the decision to work when there are younger children (under six). This is the time when psychologists tell us that the personality and values are especially formed. Besides, after the age of six a major portion of the child’s day is usually spent outside the home, in school.

By work I mean full time employment. Even part-time employment can be a strain on a parent with home responsibilities, but at least there is some flexibility.

The advantages of both parents working outside the home are clear: increased income, standard of living, and general self-worth. The primary disadvantage is lack of time which includes not only time to do shopping, laundry, and cleaning, but more importantly, time to be with children and spouse – Relationship Time.

The advantages to having one parent at home are obvious too – more relationship time. The cost? Less income.

What distresses me most is how quickly most new parents assume they don’t really have a choice because “You can’t really make it on one income anymore.” Given the above disclaimers I’d like to challenge that myth.

It costs to work outside the home. Not only are there the costs of child care, clothes, lunches, transportation and higher taxes, but also the hidden costs of not having time to shop for bargains, cook inexpensively, and make items one would otherwise buy.

Does it really cost more to support a family today or have we raised our expectations of how high our lifestyle should be? Yes and No. Indeed, our tax structure is regressive and inflation has decreased the value of real wages, but sometimes families are not working for the basics of food, clothing, shelter, and health care. Instead, it’s the extras of fashionable clothing, owning a larger home, and electronic “toys.” Some young families assume their lifestyle should match what it took their parents 20 years to reach.

For example, in 1967 the average car cost 21 weeks wages of a median family. Today the average car costs 27 weeks’ wages. The catch is that today’s average car has a lot more features like air conditioning, a CD player, electric windows, instant locks etc. Actually, a current equivalent car would only cost 17 weeks’ wages. Of course car makers don’t make what we would consider a stripped down model today because what used to be considered luxuries are now considered necessary. (OK, I’ll admit airbags are a valuable safety improvement.) But perhaps we aren’t willing to tame our hunger for more stuff, for the sake of family relationships. The same pattern is true for families buying their first home.

By now you probably catch my drift that although there are circumstances that warrant both parents of young children working outside the home, too often it’s a self-deluding trap. It takes sacrifice, creativity, and independent thinking to have a parent at home but it’s not as impossible as the conventional wisdom leads us to believe. At least it’s no more impossible than the heroic effort needed to sustain the hectic pace of a dual income family trying to do it all.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

How Much Does Faith Matter?

The Situation

Mary’s faith has always been very important to her. Her husband, Ted, was raised Christian but now considers himself an agnostic. He’s not anti-God; he just doesn’t know that God has anything to do with his life here on earth.

This didn’t bother Mary when they first got married since she knew Ted to be a good and moral man who did not interfere with her practice of her Catholic faith. Mary and Ted, however, now have a child who is preparing for first Eucharist and asking why Dad doesn’t join them at Mass. Mary also finds herself a little resentful that she and their son go to church every Sunday while Ted sleeps in or plays golf.

Ted has also been dealing with stress at work lately and seems depressed at home. Mary thinks that it would help Ted cope if he had God in his life. She’d feel they had a much more cohesive family if they could share faith and go to church together. What should Mary do?

  • Mary could talk to Ted about how important faith is to her and ask Ted to join her in faith for the sake of their marriage.
  • Mary could leave pamphlets around the house or ask Ted to join her for faith-sharing or enrichment talks sponsored by the parish or diocese.
  • Mary could ask Ted to go to RCIA to learn more about her faith and perhaps decide to embrace it for himself.
  • Mary should accept the fact that faith and God are not important to Ted and not try to change him.
  • All Mary can do is pray.

A Response

It certainly is painful when something important, indeed something core to one’s being like faith, is not shared by your spouse. It is difficult enough when a spouse belongs to a different faith tradition but even more so when Ted not only rejects organized religion, but also does not seem to value a spiritual life.

While no one can or should force another to believe in God or practice a religion, that doesn’t mean that God might not work through the believing spouse’s example of a faith-filled life. Assuming that Mary has already asked Ted to join her for worship and he has declined, another step might be to attend something together that is less directly religious but focused on parenting or marriage enrichment. Often parishes or dioceses sponsor such programs that are value based.

Also, Mary could look around for an inspiring speaker who talks on faith issues and ask Ted to accompany her–not for conversion but for support. Another route would be to find short, inspirational articles that address common human concerns such as depression, living a more fulfilling life, or communication in marriage. She could start with an article on this ForYourMarriage website or other resources such as CareNotes (www.onecaringplace.com). Although Ted probably would not yet be receptive to having a chat with a priest, perhaps there is a respected friend who could talk about why he or she is a person of faith. If Ted can find encouraging insights through spiritual talks or reading it might stir him to take another look at organized religion.

So Mary can do a number of things to introduce Ted to a healthy, meaningful spiritual life, but the most important question is, “Is Ted a good man? Does he live by values consistent with the gospels even if he does not claim Jesus Christ or any particular religion?” If indeed he has a strong moral compass but is not ready to join Mary in religious practices, leave the rest up to God. Who knows path God will use to draw him close. Of course, Mary should continue to pray that she might be a worthy instrument of God’s grace in their life together.

About the author
Susan Vogt is an author and speaker on marriage, parenting, and spirituality. Her website is SusanVogt.net.

Read more Marriage Rx prescriptions.

Every Marriage is a Mixed Religion Marriage

Pam is an active Catholic attending Mass every Sunday, while Joe comes from a “Christmas, Easter, and funerals” family. They are both Catholics, but theirs is also a mixed religion marriage. Although they were both baptized in the same faith tradition, they are coming to realize that the similarity of their religious practice ends there.

“Mixed religion” usually refers to a marriage in which the couple is of two different faith traditions, but actually each person approaches God in a personal as well as an “institutional” way. While some people have no religious tradition, they may be curious about religion and open to learning more. Some, often with reason, are hostile to organized religion themselves, or may be mystified that church means so much to their spouse. Still, the religion and conscience of each partner is to be treated with respect.

Successful couples, whether same or interfaith, have found common spiritual values – common ground – to celebrate and pass on to their children. Each partner should try to be a better member of his or her own religion in the process of building spirituality as a couple. The way a person, and a couple, decides to grow closer to God – to be holy – will vary from family to family. However, with humility, we can find common ground. Investigate your own, or your spouse’s, faith tradition and learn about one custom or prayer practice that is new to you.

Try praying with your spouse in his or her tradition. Invite your spouse to pray with you. Build bridges of understanding. Learn about a religion that you know little about now. Ask a neighbor or friend whose religion is different to tell some stories of their own religious upbringing.

About the author
Lauri Przybysz is the Coordinator of Marriage and Family Enrichment for the Archdiocese of Baltimore

Recognizing the Invisible in Our Midst

We are involved with a group of people who pray for others. It’s called a prayer line, and as is most convenient these days, we get e-mails every time someone presents a new petition to the prayer line. We have prayed for sick people, those facing divorce, those whose relatives are being sentenced to prison, world leaders, and almost any other concern you can think of. We don’t just ask for things though. Sometimes we’re asked to give thanks for a tragedy averted, and sometimes to praise God for the glorious world he has given us.

We’re relatively new at this; we just started this summer. We didn’t even know it existed before we had something we were worried about and a friend said that she’d bring it to the prayer line. We don’t know who we’re praying for, (none of the requests have names attached) and we only know a few other people who are also receiving these messages, but it ties us in to all people who are praying somehow, and also to all people in need of prayer. It has built in us a great sense of community.

Our spiritual life has many facets and some may not regard the same things spiritual that we do. For instance, we consider that we are acting spiritually when we drive a child to practice, get stopped by a train, pick up ingredients for dinner, clean old newspapers out of the porch, and gently (or not so gently) remind each other of the obligations he or she has to the family before the end of the day. God is everywhere, and to us that has always meant that we will encounter God by doing all the jobs in our lives. The more we can do them with patience and good humor the more likely we are to encounter God there, we think.

Some couples say that they strongly believe that God intended them to be together; even that God had a hand in their coming together. For our marriage, it seems that God is like the air that surrounds us. God sustains us even though much of the day we take that presence for granted.

When we are working hard and under physical stress, we are more conscious of the need for air. In the same way when life bats us around we’re more aware of the need for God. Then in happier times when we are feeling great we often take in a big breath just to expand our lungs and get that feeling of an abundance of life. Also when we’re celebrating the good moments we take a moment to rejoice in God’s closeness to us.

Adapted from FOUNDATIONS Newsletter

Just Because You’re Quiet Doesn’t Mean You’re Listening

While listening takes as much skill as talking and it’s just as big a part of communicating, it’s something most of us have not been well schooled to do. We were taught something about trying to make ourselves understood when communicating, but nothing about opening ourselves to receiving messages from others with as little judgment as possible.

Here are some “how-to’s” for listening techniques:

  • Mirror back what you’ve just heard. “So you think we should give our money away and move to Chile?” Listening to what you thought you heard may enable your partner to clarify the original message.
  • Paraphrase. “So you mean that you think we should give up what we have to help others?” Paraphrasing helps both of you figure out whether you have gotten the message straight from the original speaker.
  • Summarize. “Let’s see if I have this straight. You’re tired of working in a dead end job and you’d rather do something that is more meaningful. Is that it? Have I understood?” See if you can put together a brief summary of what you think you heard and how you understand it.

It’s impossible to respond appropriately unless you’re responding to what was said and unless you pin down the intention behind the words. This takes a lot of discipline, but it pays off when you’re able to act in a way that gives you a bit of emotional distance. Families have different ways of processing information too, so learning how to really hear your spouse may be like learning a foreign language. Be patient with yourself and forgive yourself if you make a mistake. And by the way, be patient with your spouse too!

Top 10 Reasons to Communicate

10. Saves You Money
There’s no doubt about it, poor communications can be costly. Flowers, candy, gifts large and small are regularly offered by a spouse who said the “wrong thing’ or failed to say the “right thing.” When you look at costly mistakes in a marriage the majority of them are a result of poor communications.

9. Saves Time
“Yeah” “Sure” “Whatever” may seem like an efficient way of dealing with your husband or wife when they want to talk but it’s not. Sooner or later an unresolved issue must be discussed. So taking the time the first time your spouse wants to talk with you will ultimately prove to be a time saver. You won’t have to go back to the beginning and start again, because you communicated clearly and honestly the first time around.

8. Earns Points For The Future
Every time you and your spouse have a satisfying conversation you build credit toward future communication. Both of you know and expect that you will be able to share because you have a record of success.

7. It’s Good For Your Health
Good communications in marriage reduces stress for two reasons. First, it allows you to resolve the tension between you, and second, it allows you to “vent’ some of your anxieties from other areas of your life. Many couples report that their partner is the first person they could fully trust. “I can tell him anything”, one wife said recently. “I know he will listen and understand how I feel.”

6. Allows You To Concentrate On Other Things
Have you ever found yourself continuing a discussion you had earlier while you were at work? “I should have said this” you say to yourself. “Oh yeah? Well what about the time you did…” Perhaps you’re so upset about an unfinished conversation earlier in the day that you call your spouse to either apologize or get one more point across. Listening and talking effectively resolves the issue and frees your mind to concentrate on other tasks.

5. Builds Up Your Relationship
Couples who don’t communicate are in danger of losing love and affection for one another. All relationships are nourished by communications. If you don’t communicate with parents, siblings, co-workers, children, or your partner, you lose touch with them and your relationship withers.

4. You Learn More About Yourself
Have you ever tried to explain your thoughts or feelings to someone else and during the conversation you end up in a different place from where you began? Putting your thoughts into words forces you to clarify them. Talking and listening also allows you to fine tune your ideas.

3. Less Hassle
“Why won’t you talk to me?” “I know something is bothering you-what is it?” “Don’t just walk away. Talk to me. Please!”

Be honest. Avoiding communications is as much work as communicating. So why not just talk, or do you like being pursued? Does being silent give you more control over the situation? While it may seem that way, ultimately you’ll have a spouse who will trust you less. Giving your partner the gift of your time to talk things through will make your life simpler in the long run.

2. You Might Learn Something New
The person you are married to is not the person you first met. Neither are you the same. Every day brings new experiences, thoughts, dreams, plans. It’s a guarantee that if you work at communicating you will discover new things about each other.

These new discoveries stretch out in two directions from where you are now. You will discover experiences from your spouse’s childhood that you never knew. You don’t know them because the person you love has them hidden away in their memory. They don’t remember until some new experience triggers a recollection.

You see a child run into the street and your husband says, “I almost got hit by a car when I was that age.” What follows is a story of childhood excitement, parental fear, and lessons learned that come pouring out from the distant past. It might explain why he drives so slowly in areas with children, or give you insight into how he will react when your child does the same thing years from now.

1. It’s Fun!

Adapted from FOUNDATIONS Newsletter