Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

Resolving Differences

The Situation

We have only been married a short time, and things are going pretty well between us, but something that concerns me is that we don’t really solve problems. One of us raises an issue, we talk about it a little, and then we let it drop. For instance, I think he watches too much TV. When I complain he says “sorry” and then just goes back to watching sports every night. He thinks I spend too much money on unnecessary things, so I just don’t show him the things I buy any more.

What worries me is that eventually, when we have a real problem we can’t avoid, we won’t know how to deal with it. Are there any strategies for a couple like us to use?

A Response

Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, but you are smart to want to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. There’s no reason to assume that solving conflicts would come naturally. It’s a skill you learn and then practice, so that you develop “muscle memory,” a response that will come more easily when you are in a conflictual situation.

The first step in bringing up a problem is to start with an appreciation for the other person. In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work. You really make me feel like our future is secure because you have such a good work ethic.” This is the person you love and chose to marry so surely there is something in the situation that you appreciate or admire. Then move on to your view of the current situation. “I know when you come in you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?”

This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know that they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so I can’t share with you when that’s what you’re watching. We could watch a game show together, or a mystery, or a movie at least some of the time. I like all those things.”

Once he understands what your concern is, then you can work to find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch the game; the next, the two of you can watch a movie of your choosing.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much. He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget. She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. There are many different solutions. The right one is the one that feels fair and comfortable to the two of you.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended–those situations would be harder to deal with.

That kind of conflict requires one person to apologize, which is another habit worth cultivating. Apologizing is not the casual “sorry” that doesn’t have any real contrition behind it. A real apology is an admission that something has happened to offend the other person. It means taking responsibility for one’s action and making a plan to see that it will not happen again. Apologizing comes as a result of a conversation that allows the injured party to express how hurtful the incident was. These are not easy conversations, but they do allow the air to be cleared.

The other side of apologizing is forgiving. When an honest conversation has taken place, and one person has truly apologized, the onus is on the other person to offer forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is every bit as important as saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it. Marriage Encounter has an expression, “No Museum Keeping,” which means that if an offense has been forgiven, it is wiped off the record and cannot be brought up again. That doesn’t mean that if a similar issue comes up it can’t be addressed again. It just means that the prior offense cannot be revisited.

Big conflicts don’t come along frequently in most marriages. Small ones happen all the time, so these new skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the best tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened, and ready for use.

About the author
Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.

View more Marriage Rx prescriptions here.

Hope for Families with a Child with Autism: Advice for Parents

A recent study identified 1 in 68 children (1 in 42 boys and 1 in 189 girls) as having autism spectrum disorder. (1) In the United States, most individuals are familiar with the disorder because of the high likelihood that they know someone with autism. The stress of any special needs diagnosis is difficult for a family, and those with autism have unique struggles. In order to identify resources available within our Catholic Church when faced with a diagnosis of autism, we can look to the words of our Holy Father Pope Francis:

When there is no human hope, there is that hope that carries us forward, humble, simple—but it gives a joy, at times a great joy, at times only of peace, but the security that hope does not disappoint: hope doesn’t disappoint (Morning Meditation, 3.17.16, emphasis added).

When I was told that my son was diagnosed with autism, I was the only adult in the room besides the doctor; my son and his two older sisters, ages 5 and 7, were there too. Our son was age three at the time, and his father was traveling out of town on business. I will never forget the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, and sense of fear that day as I stood in the doctor’s office.

Now, twelve years later, I can look back at those days with the benefit of hindsight and more importantly, grace. Despite the many challenges, and at times heartbreaking pain, I cannot imagine life without my Joey. That fear has been replaced by hope.

I have learned several lessons since that day, and each day brings a new lesson in how to help him grow. Each day also brings new insight for me as a parent, including where I need my own personal and spiritual growth.

The wisdom in our communion of saints is a resource that every Catholic can rely on when working with a child who has special needs. Three themes from our Holy Father’s ministry, which he emphasizes in homilies and in his writing, suggest a three-pronged approach for families with a child on the autism spectrum. Let’s look at each one:

Progress Forward

Many times with a child with autism, it can seem like one step forward, two steps back. The challenge is to have a long-term perspective, recognizing that the small steps you are taking now to provide early intervention will have a future payoff. Because autism often accompanies co-morbidities like anxiety, it can be difficult to manage your own natural worry as a parent, as well as that of your child. Make sure that every so often you take time to review the progress your child has made, and to express your appreciation for all of his or her hard work. It is also important to pat yourself on the back from time to time, because being a parent of a child with autism can be difficult and lonely. It can help to find local support groups in your area so you can share resources and support.

Humility

Frequently, mothers think that they are the only one who can meet their child’s needs. While it is important to recognize the mother’s role, both father and mother have to acknowledge that they cannot meet their child’s needs alone. Humility shows us that we have to rely on others, whether that be hiring in-home therapists, seeking private grant funding or finding other ways to get the support that you need as a family to successfully support your child with his or her diagnosis.

Simplicity

Pope Francis is noted for his simplicity as well as his humility. Sometimes, when a child with autism has an IEP (Individualized Education Program), a treatment plan with multiple medications, therapies both inside and outside the home, as well as the need for structural home modifications, the needs are so great that it can be hard for families to prioritize what is most important. Simplicity means focusing on the most important needs of the child right now, in this moment, and enjoying the many wonderful moments of joy that the child brings. I have chronicled the many funny things that my son has said to me over the years, which have not only made me laugh out loud in the moment but are something I treasure years later as I re-read them.

For families who have a child on the autism spectrum, don’t give up! There is hope, and lessons learned over time and from others can make the journey easier.

(1) https://www.autismspeaks.org/what-autism/prevalence

About the author
Ann O’Keeffe Rodgers is a wife, mother and advocate for those with autism. She lives in Jacksonville, Florida, and is CEO of Hope Springs Florida, a vacation respite home designed for working-class families with a child with autism. Ann can be reached at rodgers_2244@hotmail.com.

When Can We Use NFP?

What the Church teaches on the moral spacing and limiting of births by spouses
Catholic spouses who strive to live Church teaching on responsible parenthood are sometimes confused by what the Church means by “serious” or “grave” reasons for the use of Natural Family Planning (NFP). This article will address that issue.

NFP enables spouses to space births according to the naturally occurring phases of fertility and infertility in the menstrual cycle. The Church has accepted this innovation of the 20th century as a morally acceptable means of spacing and limiting births in married life. The contemporary Church document, Humanae vitae, which articulated the reasons why NFP is acceptable, uses the words “serious” and “grave” to indicate the distinctions which spouses need to consider as they seek to plan their families according to God’s will. Catholic couples need to understand the meaning behind these words.

Historical Overview
The Church has always recognized the legitimacy of abstaining from sexual intercourse when both spouses consent for a limited time and for religious reasons (cf. 1 Cor. 7:5). When Pius XI condemned contraception in his encyclical on marriage, Casti connubii (Dec 31, 1930), he did not address the licitness of the Rhythm method which had only recently been discovered but did allow married couples the use of their conjugal rights “in the proper manner” when new life could not be brought forth either because of timing or defects of nature (no. 59). It was not until Pius XII that explicit pronouncements were made. By that time the Basal Body Temperature method (BBT) was becoming increasingly known and used among Catholics.

Pius XII, in an address to Italian midwives in October 1951, declared licit the use of the sterile period for serious reasons, but if the couple was confining intercourse to those days exclusively, their conduct needed to be examined. In that case it was not enough to be ready to accept a pregnancy if one should occur. For the practice to be moral there must be serious reasons independent of the couple’s good will. Otherwise to do so “would be a sin against the very meaning of conjugal life.” At the same time, Pius XII advised midwives to obtain a thorough knowledge of the biological and technical aspects of the theory.

Among the serious reasons for use even for an indefinite period, Pius XII cited “medical, eugenic, economic and social implication.” [1] Only one month later in another address, the pope affirmed “the legitimacy and, at the same time, the limits–in truth very wide–of a regulation of offspring, which unlike so-called ‘birth control,’ is compatible with the law of God,” and he hoped that science would provide a more secure basis for the method. [2]

The advent of the anovulant pill in the 1960’s and pressure from within the Church itself to change its teaching on contraception in the name of enhancing the unitive dimension of marriage led to lively debates in Vatican Council II. While Pope Paul VI reserved the question of whether the anovulant pill was a contraceptive until after the Council, the pastoral constitution on the Church in the modern world, Gaudium et Spes, reaffirmed that “marriage and conjugal love are by their nature ordered to the procreation and education of children” (no. 48), and that the aim and meaning of conjugal life is to cooperate with the Creator in enlarging God’s family. As cooperators with the Creator they are “interpreters of his love” (no. 50).

Spouses will thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which may be foreseen. For this accounting they will reckon with both the material and spiritual conditions of the times as well as of their state of life. Finally they will consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society and of the Church herself (See GS, no.50).

Grave and Serious
Paul VI in his encyclical Humanae vitae (1968), while condemning the use of all contraceptive methods for even grave (gravia) reasons, declared licit the recourse to the infertile periods if the spouses have good (just and seria) reasons to postpone even indefinitely another pregnancy (HV, no.16 &10; the language here is similar to Gaudium et Spes, no.10). But first those spouses are commended who, with prudent deliberation and generosity, choose to accept a large family. The spouses are to consider their responsibilities towards God, themselves, the family, and human society. Each of these factors may be taken into account in right order in determining “serious and just reasons.”

In other words, the spouses are to discern together first, what is God’s plan for their family here and now, then their own physical and emotional resources for accepting another child, the needs of other family members, and lastly the good of the human society in which they live. The pope gives special encouragement to scientists to perfect the natural methods (HV, no.24), declaring that the discipline of chastity exercised in periodic continence enhances married life provided the spouses value the true blessings of family (HV, no.21).

John Paul II
John Paul II is faithful to the guidelines of Humanae vitae. In the Apostolic Exhortation, Familiaris consortio, he calls the fundamental task of the family “to serve life, to actualize in history the original blessing of the Creator–of transmitting by procreation the divine image from person to person” (FC, no.28). The Holy Father praises large families [3]; however, he also states,

. . . the fruitfulness of conjugal love is not restricted solely to the procreation of children…it is enlarged and enriched by all those fruits of moral, spiritual and supernatural life which the father and mother are called to hand on to their children, and through the children to the Church and to the world. (FC, no.28)

John Paul II takes every opportunity to encourage the development of NFP as a way of spacing births. [4] “When,” he says “by means of recourse to the periods of infertility, the couple respect the inseparable connection between the unitive and procreative meanings of human sexuality, they are acting as ‘ministers’ of God’s plan” (FC, no.32). John Paul II is at pains to counter those who would interpret too narrowly the Church’s teaching on the licitness of natural methods, adopting a form of providentialism, citing both Gaudium et spes no. 50 and Humanae vitae no.10: God the Creator invites the spouses not to be passive operators, but rather ‘cooperators or almost interpreters’ of His plan. [5]

The spouses are to exercise the virtue of prudence in a considered assessment of the well-being of the whole family. Reason and will are not to be abandoned in favor of a passive submission to physiological processes. Husband and wife are called to stewardship of all their gifts, especially fertility, which concerns the birth of a new human person made in the image of God and destined to union with Him for all eternity.

NFP proponent Rev. Anthony Zimmerman likens the spouses’ co-creation to God’s creation of the world in Genesis (1:1 to 2:3). After each new creation, God “saw that it was good” and paused before a new act of creation. After making man and women on the sixth day, he declared everything “very good” and rested from further creation. In the same way, NFP parents pause between each birth and when their family is complete according to God’s plan for them (which is likely to vary with each family), rest from any further work of co-creation. [6]

More than his predecessors, John Paul II saw the benefits of natural methods to the couple and family. He appreciates the way they offer spouses the possibility not only to space children but also to identify the most opportune time to conceive a child. In addition they call for dialogue and mutual sensitivity to one another. “Thus,” he says, “periodic continence…requires a profound understanding of the person and love.”

The way of living which follows from the exercise of periodic continence leads the couple to deepen their knowledge of each other and achieve a harmony of body, mind and spirit which strengthens and encourages them on their journey together through life. It is marked by a constant dialogue and enriched by the tenderness of affection which constitutes the heart of human sexuality. [7]

A Final Word
In summary, all the papal documents addressing the issue of marriage and procreation in the 20th century affirm that marriage and conjugal love are ordered to the procreation and education of children. While contraception cannot be used even in grave circumstances, natural methods of fertility regulation are licit when the couple have serious reasons. Children are a gift to be joyfully received as the crowning glory of family life (GS, no. 48). All modern popes have endorsed the development and use of natural methods of family planning as an aid to living responsible parenthood. John Paul II especially sees them as enabling the spouses to become a total gift to one another.

Notes
[1] Pius XII, Moral Questions Affecting Married Life: Addresses given October 29, 1951 to the Italian Catholic Union of midwives and November 26, 1951 to the National Congress of the Family Front and the Association of Large Families, National Catholic Welfare Conference, Washington, DC.

[2] Ibid

[3] John Paul II, “Homily at Capitol Mall, Oct 7, 1979,” in Pilgrim of Peace: Homilies and Addresses of his Holiness, Pope John Paul II on the Occasion of his Visit to the United States, USCC, 1979: 175-179.

[4] See, for example, “Pope to Two International Groups of Researchers,” L’Osservatore Romano (Weekly Edition) Dec. 3, 1979, and “To Study Group on Natural Regulation of Fertility: The Church is Grateful for the help you offer married couples,” L’Osservatore Romano, July 12, 1982.

[5] “Papal audience to participants of NFP course in Rome, December 14, 1990,” L’Osservatore Romano (weekly edition) Dec. 17, 1990.

[6] Rev. Anthony Zimmerman, “Newlyweds and NFP,” Homiletic and Pastoral Review, October 1986, 21-31.

[7] Address to “The Natural Regulation of Fertility: The Authentic Alternative,” conference, Rome, Dec. 9-11, 1992.

Copyright © 1999, Diocesan Development Program for Natural Family Planning, National Conference of Catholic Bishops (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops). Used with permission on dev19.foryourmarriage.org.

Balancing Family and Work

The Symptoms

Joe has been married for four years. It’s pretty clear that in order for him to advance in his profession, he is going to have to work 60 hours a week for the foreseeable future. That’s the minimum. Joe recently discovered that the pension plan is only for partners. If he doesn’t become a partner in the firm, he considers himself a failure. As Joe says, ” There are no lifeboats for those who don’t make it to the top. I’d have to start over somewhere else. I’m doing this for my family – for my wife, and for the children we hope to have, so we have a good financial future. But we want to start a family soon, and I’m apprehensive – we don’t have enough time for each other as it is. I want to be a good husband, but I also want to succeed at work. What do I do?”

A Prescription

We have a dilemma when we hold two values that are seemingly in conflict – “I want to be a good husband or wife, and a good father or mother. But work seems to suck everything out of me. How do I do justice to both?” When trying to solve a dilemma, we have to look more carefully at the values we are trying to protect, and see if we understand these values correctly.

Especially in uncertain financial times, it’s easy to get very anxious about work, even if one has a good job. We can be tempted to make any personal sacrifice in order to maximize our work opportunities. But it’s important to remember that giving up everything for work is no guarantee of success. You may sell your soul to the devil, and the devil may still downsize you. Better to work to balance your life now. Then, if work lets you down, you’re still left with a solid base of love and support.

Avoid getting into either/ors: “Either I put in incredible hours at work or my career will be a bust.” The true answer is somewhere in between. There may be some positions that you will not get, some contracts you won’t sign, some honor you will never acquire. Also, there will be some cars, vacations, or colleges that you won’t be able to pay for. But in this life we pay for things we value, and, regarding family life, the question is not “Is it worth it?” but “Am I willing to pay?”

Having said that, balancing your life can “pay off” in the work setting, too. I’ve seen many people (and I’m one of them) where marriage and children cut down on their workaholism, forced them to set limits on their work, and – lo and behold – their work life improved. They became more effective and more productive, because there were boundaries to the time they could spend at work.

It’s time to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse. We often assume that we know what the other person wants, so we give it to them before they ask. Later we might say, “But I did it all for you!” Is partnership in the firm primarily a personal goal or is it a goal you share? How do we balance “us time” with the work time necessary to achieve a certain lifestyle? Does your wife support your devotion to your job or is she already feeling neglected and fears for the future? It’s important that decisions about how each spouse makes major time commitments be mutually acceptable since presence is a measure of marital commitment.

Couples have to work these things out for themselves, but not by themselves. Go to men and women you admire, who have achieved balance in their lives between family and work. Ask them to tell you about the choices they made, and the challenges they faced – perhaps even the mistakes they made. Then in prayer ask the Lord to guide you as you make your own decisions.

You may find that you can modify your job expectations in order to leave more time for family. You may also find that certain jobs or positions are incompatible with the other values you hold regarding family life, and a change is warranted, possibly with a accompanying change in lifestyle.

Most problems in life don’t get “solved,” they get managed. We make corrections and adjustments as we go. When asked what it took to be happy, Sigmund Freud said, “to love and to work.” In this case, he wasn’t far wrong. Only, keep them balanced!

About the author
Dr. Jim Healy is a counseling psychologist and Director of Family Ministry for the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. His marriage resources can be found at www.rootedinlove.org.

Read more Marriage Rx prescriptions.

“Just” Friends

They go out to a movie. She likes this one better than the one they saw two weeks ago. He doesn’t say much about it.

They are husband and wife, young enough in their relationship to find occasional surprises in the likes and dislikes of each other, and not realizing it will always be this way. They are good friends, coaxing each other to openness. What do you really think about that movie? Come on…I really want to know.

Thinkers and singers have explored friendship and love for thousands of years. There is the pursuit and the passion, and oh, yes, the steadfast promise.

“I want a woman, I want a lover, I want a friend,” sang Jackie Wilson in a 1959 rhythm and blues classic, naming in simple terms the multiple relationships of husband and wife.

It is reality: male and female we are created, and we seek out each other, to be lovers and friends, to reveal and to be revealed.

“What can be more delightful than to have some one to whom you can say everything with the same absolute confidence as to yourself?” Cicero wrote. “Is not prosperity robbed of half its value if you have no one to share your joy? On the other hand, misfortunes would be hard to bear if there were not some one to feel them even more acutely than yourself.”

They sit across from each other at the table, and learn of the day’s events, his and hers. Some days are uncertain, some days are a song. I may lose my job. I wish we could afford something better. If I get a promotion, are you willing to move? The baby kicked today!

Spouses and friends, they sort through such matters, open to each other and assured that come what may, their sorrows and uncertainties will be shared and supported, their joy will be doubled.

Children may come to take their total attention, or nearly so. But if friendship is to endure, couples will nurture this central relationship of their marriage and family. Through school and sports and growing up, married friends share their love with their children, not reducing their own, but expanding it. And among the greatest gifts the children receive is the experience of their parents’ love and friendship.

They talk in bed. She is worried about the bills. He says God will provide.

Fear and faith are revealed. The bills are real and so is the faith.

Faith and truth will overcome the fears of friends who have come to rely on each other – the strength of one to shore up the weakness of the other. Their strength is in the Lord, and in their own unity.

There are some things they don’t have to talk about. He leaves the table saw and other tools in the middle of the garage long after the project is finished. She forgets to give him a telephone message. Neither complains.

Friends know each other’s quirks. Perfection was never part of the promise they made each other, or possible.

Married friends need time together. It takes time to get to know each other’s failings and flaws, and it takes time to get over them.

She tells him he ought to take better care of his health. They both know her concern is genuine.

Married friends hold each other accountable, willing to speak the truth to each other, always forgiving but not excusing.

Do you see yourself in any of these vignettes? If you do, congratulations. If you don’t there are some steps to take to strengthen your friendship in marriage.

Author John M. Gottman says that happily married couples actually like each other, and they express their fondness and admiration for each other.

Remember when I locked my keys in the car and you rescued me? I am really happy you wanted to get involved in that project. I was touched when you were sensitive, or careful, tender, playful, lusty, understanding.

Happily married couples concentrate on the positive qualities of each other.

When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. I am really proud of my partner. My partner finds me sexy and attractive. When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.

Couples spend time together. “Spending time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, ‘You matter to me,’” writes Michele Weiner-Davis. “Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other’s jokes, to renew their love.”

She advises couples to plan and schedule time together, to make dates (and leave the kids at home), to not waste time figuring out whose fault it is you haven’t been spending time together, and that you don’t need a trip to a tropical island when you can walk around the block together.

They take a walk in the evening. At their age, time together no longer feels like a luxury; it has come to be the necessity they always knew it was. They talk about her day, his day, the kids and their careers, the appointment with a doctor and what it might mean, tomorrow’s hopes, the week’s demands. And for long stretches, they don’t need to talk at all.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

When Your Marriage Hits the Boredom Rut

The Situation

After 16 years of marriage Bill and Betty find themselves in the marital doldrums. Although neither would say it openly, each feels their marriage has become lackluster and is in a rut. “Boring” was how Bill explained it to his closest friend. Although Bill and Betty have two children who keep them busy, what has characterized their marriage of late is a lot of routine and predictability. Even Bill’s tired joke that Friday night was their night for sex “in order to get it out of the way for the weekend”–a weekend filled with predictability and tedious repetition–was more true than he wanted to admit. It typified the lack of surprise or delight in their relationship.

Boredom started creeping in soon after Bill and Betty began to settle in to married life. Their efforts to provide their family with safety and security had instead created an all-too-patterned life of mostly sheer monotony. They began to treat their marriage as a finished product, rather than as something to cultivate. They then moved to the tasks of buying a house, having children, and advancing their careers, while expecting their marriage to take care of itself.

A Response

Betty and Bill need to recognize that being tiresome or dull is their own doing. Boredom is an emotional state resulting from inactivity or when couples are uninterested in opportunities surrounding them. Bill and Betty dislike uncertainty. Therefore, they work hard to create a life of security for their children and are carefully saving for their future. One might say they are a “risk adverse couple,” but to a fault. They attend the same few restaurants and go to the same place for vacation at around the same time of year. They’ve traded adventure and discovery for safety.

For some couples boredom is accepted as suffering to be endured. Common passive ways to escape boredom are to sleep or daydream. Other couples expend considerable effort and expense to remedy boredom through elaborate entertainment. These are only temporary fixes, however, since boredom is not so much dependent on one’s environment as a lack of imagination. You might say it is actually the person him/herself who is dull.

Typical solutions consist of intentional activities, often something new, since familiarity and repetition can contribute to tedium. Couples can learn a new hobby, take dance lessons, join a book club, cultivate a garden, learn another language, take a course, or go back to school. But that is not all they can do.

They can also get a life! For instance, they can help with the inner city poor or tutor children with reading difficulties. In short, they can get involved in something more important than themselves. They can start taking an ailing grandmother to and from her doctor’s appointments and see if the boredom doesn’t take care of itself. Either way, the solution is to immerse oneself in the world and respond to its many needs.

Early in Betty and Bill’s relationship there may have been the excitement of the chase. Once married, however, couples too often forget the importance of continuing to woo one another. They need to keep the love notes and flowers coming. They need to dress up for each other and to set up date nights. Sadly, many couples, when pressed, acknowledge that they never get away without the children.

Marriage can be a spiritual pathway, but it does not become so without intentionality and effort. Religion can be abused if it excuses boredom as something that just has to be tolerated as essential to the human condition. Acceptance of our human condition also means accepting our ability to imagine and explore new life experiences and to ponder what they mean for us spiritually. Probing God’s ways in our life can be stimulating and provide answers to life’s ultimate questions. God actions throughout history are seldom dull or ordinary. Try reading the Bible for dramatic interventions.

The challenge is not to destroy the relationship over one of the common marriage problems that can so easily be resolved. Even if one has divorced, and a new relationship initially seems exciting, this issue of boredom will eventually creep into any new relationship unless it is addressed. Couples need to re-kindle their love, no matter how buried it may appear. For example, they can switch off the TV and take half an hour to muse over the day together. Send the children to bed or off to grandparents for an overnight and have a candle lit dinner at home. Flood your conversation with things you admire and love about your spouse.

Read more Marriage Rx columns.

10 Pointers for Prayer

The baby’s crying, the dog is whining, and you need to leave for work in five minutes. Finding time for prayer can seem impossible. Amid the busyness of family life, how can one respond to God’s ongoing invitation to speak with and listen to Him? Here are ten pointers to help you do just that.

1. Pray as you can, not as you can’t. God calls most Christians to an active life in the world, with family, work and community responsibilities. Such a call, while holy, does not usually allow for long periods of prayer and reflection. Lay people can become discouraged when they try to pray like a cloistered contemplative. Be realistic about what’s possible.

2. Take ten — or twenty. If a half hour for prayer isn’t possible, how about ten minutes, or twenty? Choose a good time of day and stick with it. Designate a special site for prayer so that spot become holy. Spouses can help by minding children during respective quiet times.

3. Pray as a family. Build upon rituals such as grace before meals. In addition to the usual “Bless us, O Lord…,” encourage family members to offer thanks for the blessings of the day, as well as prayers for those in need. Couples can deepen their spiritual relationship by taking a few minutes, perhaps before bedtime, to commend to God the joys and sorrows of the day.

4. Decorate your domestic church. When we enter our parish church, the statues and pictures focus our minds on Jesus, Mary and the saints. We can create an atmosphere for prayer in our home- the domestic church- by displaying a crucifix, icons, the Bible and other holy objects. Take the children to a religious goods store and let them choose a picture or statue for their rooms.

5. Short prayers count, too. When you’re stopped at a long light or put on hold, consider it as God’s invitation to turn your heart and mind to him, if only for a few seconds.

6. Find God at work. Connecting with God in the workplace takes effort. Try to cultivate a few simple habits. For example, offer the day to God as you turn on your computer, or pray for the person you’re about to call or wait upon.

7. Jump start your prayer life. Sooner or later almost everyone experiences dryness in prayer. God seems far away and prayer becomes a burden. Praying with Scripture, perhaps the daily Mass readings, can help us focus. So, too, can an inspirational book, especially one of the spiritual classics. A good choice is St. Francis de Sales’ Introduction to the Devout Life, written specifically for lay people who are striving for holiness.

8. Ask your Mother for help. The Blessed Virgin Mary, our spiritual mother, understands our needs and offers profound comfort. One family, gathered around the bedside of their dying husband and father, found peace and healing through the recitation of the rosary. The rosary is ideal for the family since children can be taught the simple prayers at an early age. Check out instructions on how to pray the rosary.

9. Read a good story. Children and adults alike enjoy an inspiring story, and few stories are more compelling than those of the saints. Whether it’s the little way of Therese of Lisieux or the heroism of Maximilian Kolbe, their stories offer something for everyone. Consider the particular virtue that a saint demonstrates and pray for help to emulate it. Perhaps it’s the humility of St. Francis of Assisi, the patience of St. Monica, or the courageous witness of St. Thomas More.

10. Walk with a spiritual friend. Prayer can lead to new thoughts and questions. Who better to share them with than a spiritual friend? A friend can help us to work through the concerns that inevitably arise in prayer. Good friends will hold each other accountable for their prayer life, making sure that prayer has not been neglected in the busyness of life. For married couples a spouse is often this spiritual friend, but God will also put wise and holy people in our path when we need them. They can be the answer to prayer.

Try a Little Kindness

Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking creates profoundness, and kindness in feeling creates love (Lau Tzu).

Michelle hates to make decisions. Her husband, Craig, enjoys it. Over the years of their marriage Craig has learned that Michelle doesn’t like having decision made for her either, so how he makes a decision is very important. He has learned to ask for her opinion and to offer his in return. He takes her feelings into consideration; he knows what she likes and dislikes, and respects that. Craig loves Michelle and one way he demonstrates his love by making decisions with kindness and consideration, and Michelle loves him all the more for that.

Kindness is a difficult attribute to define, but not to illustrate. Each of us, if asked, could tell personal stories about when we have been treated kindly and when we have been treated unkindly. We know it when we experience it, and we recognize when it isn’t there.

A kind person acts in benevolent, gentle, and loving ways. In marriage, kindness is demonstrated through generous acts, considerate behavior, and comforting words. A kind person usually has a mild and pleasant disposition and acts with tenderness and concern for others. A man who brings his wife flowers as a sign of his love and a woman who strokes her husband’s arm as they watch a movie are acting with kindness.

Kindness is one of the seven virtues, and is considered the opposite of envy. A kind person celebrates another’s good fortune while an envious person grows angry at another’s success.

For example, Marta and Luis both have high stress jobs, but Marta is far more successful at her job than Luis is in his. While this is, at times, a source of tension in their marriage, Marta and Luis recognize the tension and deal with it as adults. Marta tries not to brag about her success and never uses it as a weapon when they argue. She cares about Luis and doesn’t want to hurt his self-esteem. For his part, Luis tries to celebrate Marta’s successes. He struggles at times with feeling that he is not carrying his share of the family responsibility, but because Marta treats him with such kindness, Luis is a happy man.

Kindness comes from the same root as the word “kin,” someone who is a part of your family. Thus, when you show kindness to your spouse, you are treating him or her as a part of your family, as “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). These words are used at weddings to describe the ideal relationship between husband and wife. This scripture passage makes clear that for marriages to succeed—that is, to be happy and healthy—then couples must treat each other with the same gentleness, courtesy, compassion, and respect that they want for themselves.

Kindness is a way of showing love to another. Everything that St. Paul wrote about love in 1 Corinthians 13 (Love is patient; not jealous, pompous, inflated, or rude; does not seek its own interests, is not quick-tempered, does not brood over injury or rejoice over wrongdoing) also defines how a kind person acts.

Kindness is an essential virtue in a healthy and happy marriage. A recent study conducted in various cultures around the world asked people to name the trait they desired most in a mate. For both sexes, people overwhelmingly wanted their mates to be kind.

Marriages are strengthened when both members of a couple treat each other kindly: with love and understanding and with dignity and respect. Kindness is evident when a person puts the needs of his or her spouse first, acting on what will please or help the other most, and not on self-interest. By never being rude or abusive to your spouse in any way, you build a relationship of mutual trust and respect. A marriage based upon compassionate and caring thoughts, words, and actions—a marriage based on kindness—will be a generous relationship, with both man and wife sharing freely all that they have with each other, with their children, and with the larger society. These are signs of healthy, happy, and strong marriages.

A Spanish proverb says that “He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.” This is also true in marriage. Little acts of kindness can mean a lot. Simple acts work wonders: cooking your spouse’s favorite meal when he or she has had a hard day or bringing home a little gift “just because.” Many couples divide up chore responsibilities because of personal preferences. Sometimes doing another person’s chore, like taking the car to get tires rotated, can be a wonderful act of kindness. So can putting love notes in a briefcase or lunch bag, or allowing your spouse just to sit and watch a ballgame on TV when you’d rather do something else.

Disagreements happen in every relationship; the healthy married couple has learned to resolve these disagreements kindly. By offering a gentle word to an angry remark or by refusing to say harsh things when you feel them, you let kindness wrap you and your spouse in a loving blanket of respect that smothers the flame of anger before it can erupt into an inferno of emotions. In this way, kindness leads to happiness.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Stations of the Cross for Marriages and Families

Introduction

The particular needs of marriages and families prompted and largely influenced this reflection on the Stations of the Cross. Its purpose is to encourage all to reflect on Jesus’ passion in the context of family life, whether those families are immediate or extended, near or far, known or unknown. As St. John Paul II told us, the family is the building block of society, and so in this meditation, we pray for all families in light of the Way of the Cross.

Let us pray: Lord, you raised up the family to new dignity through the bond of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. We pray now for all families, especially those who might be experiencing difficulties of any kind, that the grace brought about by your suffering might give them consolation and new life. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

The First Station: Jesus is Condemned to Death

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

John 19:10-16

So Pilate said to him, “Do you not speak to me? Do you not know that I have power to release you and I have power to crucify you?” Jesus answered [him], “You would have no power over me if it had not been given to you from above. For this reason the one who handed me over to you has the greater sin.”Consequently, Pilate tried to release him; but the Jews cried out, “If you release him, you are not a Friend of Caesar. Everyone who makes himself a king opposes Caesar.”

When Pilate heard these words he brought Jesus out and seated him on the judge’s bench in the place called Stone Pavement, in Hebrew, Gabbatha. It was preparation day for Passover, and it was about noon. And he said to the Jews, “Behold, your king!” They cried out, “Take him away, take him away! Crucify him!” Pilate said to them, “Shall I crucify your king?”The chief priests answered, “We have no king but Caesar.”Then he handed him over to them to be crucified.

Reflection: Doing the right thing is not always easy or clear. There are outside pressures and clamoring voices seeking our approval. It is often easier to go with what our culture says—buy a fancier house, car, or big screen TV. Spread gossip, tell those white lies, and hurl insults, big and small, at family, friends, and strangers. It seems a lot harder to make prayer a daily habit, practice tithing, come to worship God every week and on special holy days, remain open to children, practice charity in our families and relationships, and to keep God as our top priority.

Pilate also found it hard to go against the crowd, against the voices of the chief priests, and he ultimately succumbed to their wishes. We strive to do otherwise, and the promise of our faith gives us the courage to be countercultural in our daily decisions. We do so because we trust that living as God asks us, instead of as the world tells us, will bring us greater peace and joy in our relationships, marriages, and families than we could ever find otherwise.

Let us pray: Almighty God, help us to trust in your divine plan for us and to accept what you will in our lives. Instead of heeding our culture and world, we wish to turn to you in a spirit of prayerful listening. You live and reign forever and ever. Amen.

The Second Station: Jesus Takes Up His Cross

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Mark 8:34-36

He summoned the crowd with his disciples and said to them, “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and that of the gospel will save it. What profit is there for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?”

Reflection: It really comes down to a question of goals. What are our goals for our families and lives? Do we want to become famous, be admired and revered, wield great power and influence, accumulate untold wealth? What about helping each other grow in holiness? Challenging each other to more loving relationships? Bearing wrongs patiently and modeling forgiveness? What about helping each other get to heaven? How different would our lives be if these were our goals? As we follow Jesus, taking up our cross as he accepts his, we know that this is not the end; rather, this is the way that leads to eternal life.

Let us pray: Jesus, we want to follow you with all our hearts, but we are sometimes afraid of what our crosses will be. Instill in us a stout heart, that we would willingly accept a sharing in your mission. We give our lives to you in humble service, knowing that you will lead us to eternal life. We pray this in your name. Amen.

The Third Station: Jesus Falls the First Time

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Isaiah 53: 2b-5

He had no majestic bearing to catch our eye,
no beauty to draw us to him.
He was spurned and avoided by men,
a man of suffering, knowing pain,
Like one from whom you turn your face,
spurned, and we held him in no esteem.
Yet it was our pain that he bore,
our sufferings he endured.
We thought of him as stricken,
struck down by God and afflicted,
But he was pierced for our sins,
crushed for our iniquity.
He bore the punishment that makes us whole,
by his wounds we were healed.

Reflection: Inherently, living as families means that there will be conflict. We are a group of imperfect, sinful people with various personalities who live together and try to make it work. There is, at the same time, inherent nobility in this effort because it speaks of our love and commitment to one another. How do we press on after knocking each other down or stumbling ourselves? This is the grace of Christ’s sacrifice—he has taken all our sins upon his shoulders. In his humanity, he even buckled under the weight of our sins. We can take solace, then, that Jesus knew our weakness, experienced its consequences, and still provided us a model of perseverance and a way to true freedom. Drawing our strength from God’s grace, we stand up together and continue along the way.

Let us pray: Lord, when we fall and fail, help us not to become too discouraged but instead to trust in your forgiveness and recommit ourselves to living well. Make us cognizant of the ways in which we cause others to stumble so that we would root out the source of such behavior in our lives. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Fourth Station: Jesus Meets His Mother

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Luke 2:34-35

The child’s father and mother were amazed at what was said about him; and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is destined for the fall and rise of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be contradicted (and you yourself a sword will pierce) so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.”

Reflection: Motherhood is one of life’s most sacred callings. A mother carries a growing child for many months and nurtures the baby from her own body during and often after the pregnancy. A mother truly shares in the activity of the divine, creating and sustaining human life. Yet today, motherhood is often not a title of honor or distinction, instead dismissed as something secondary or burdensome. Could we all do something more to honor all the mothers in our lives?
After all, Mary was Jesus’ mother, and she infuses the title with nobility and purpose. She bore the weight of her son inside her womb and experienced the even heavier weight of seeing her child suffer at the hands of others. Instead of shying away from this suffering, she walked with Jesus every step of the way. Her obedience to God’s call to motherhood was not without pain and hardship, yet it provides a witness for all mothers of every age. She shows us that a mother’s love and steadfastness is a source of strength for a child, notably for one experiencing a time of trial.

Let us pray: Mother Mary, we ask your intercession on behalf of all mothers. Help them to know of your witness, concern, and love for them and the daily labors in which they partake. May you be a beacon of hope and light to all mothers who must endure the suffering of their children. We pray, Hail Mary… Amen.

The Fifth Station: Simon of Cyrene Helps Jesus Carry the Cross

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Mark 15:20-22

And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the purple cloak, dressed him in his own clothes, and led him out to crucify him.

They pressed into service a passer-by, Simon, a Cyrenian, who was coming in from the country, the father of Alexander and Rufus, to carry his cross.

They brought him to the place of Golgotha (which is translated Place of the Skull).

Reflection: It is fitting for us that Simon was a father. He likely aspired to be a good one, providing moral instruction to his children, passing on the deposit of faith, and acting as a pillar of strength and protection. Perhaps Alexander and Rufus were with him that day and saw their father pressed into service to help Jesus carry the cross. Would they not have been scared as they saw their father led away and given the burden of a condemned man?
Fathers have such an important role in the lives of their families and children. Too often, we have witnessed or even experienced the consequences of a father who has failed or abandoned his family. Our hope is that fathers would recommit themselves to their promises and responsibilities, helping shoulder the burdens of family living. We also trust that, no matter what the conduct of our earthly fathers, we have a Father in heaven who will never abandon us, turn away from us, or leave us to carry our crosses alone.

Let us pray: Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of all our fathers. Though they are not perfect, they do reflect, to various degrees, the love that you as our Father in heaven have for us. Embolden all the fathers in the world and remind them of their sacred mission towards their children. May they become more like you with each passing day. We pray, Our Father… Amen.

The Sixth Station: Veronica Wipes the Face of Jesus

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Matthew 25:37-40

“Then the righteous will answer him and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? When did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? When did we see you ill or in prison, and visit you?’ And the king will say to them in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.’”

Reflection: Veronica’s courageous action enlivens us to be people and families of compassion. When a child or parent is sick, the whole family suffers and sacrifices until the person is well. So, too, in our human family—when another is suffering, we are called to suffer with and sacrifice for the other until all are well. Reaching beyond our own families is difficult, but we must accept our place and role within the Body of Christ and the entire human family and extend our hands and hearts to those in need. As we perform these spiritual and corporal works of mercy, as we truly wipe the face of the stranger among us, we realize that we gaze upon the true image of Jesus.

Let us pray: Jesus, Veronica’s hands were hands of compassion to you in your time of great need. She took such a risk in coming to your aid, but she shows us how fruitful such an action can be. Help our families and each of us to recognize others in need and to reach out to them. May Veronica’s love live on in our actions each day. You live and reign forever and ever. Amen.

The Seventh Station: Jesus Falls the Second Time

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Psalm 22:15-18a

Like water my life drains away;
all my bones grow soft.
My heart has become like wax,
it melts away within me.
As dry as a potsherd is my throat;
my tongue cleaves to my palate;
you lay me in the dust of death.
Dogs surround me;
a pack of evildoers closes in on me.
They have pierced my hands and my feet
I can count all my bones.

Reflection: Selfishness is the enemy of lasting relationships. It lays traps for others, takes advantage of the weakest among us, and drains the life from others and, ironically, from ourselves. To be selfish, to look out primarily for number one, seems like the easier option and the way to ensuring our happiness, but we know otherwise. Nevertheless, we sometimes give into our selfish tendencies, and then we fall.
Jesus is again our model and our hope. He picks himself up after stumbling and continues his journey. His sacrifice is the ultimate example of selflessness as he truly and freely lays down his life for us. That kind of selflessness transforms the world, and it is what we strive for in our families, marriages, and relationships.

Let us pray: O Spirit of God, no doubt you accompanied Jesus along his walk to Golgotha, providing him strength has he fell repeatedly. Come to us, Holy Spirit, as we continue to stumble and fall in our selfish ways. Give us the ability to eschew our self-centeredness and instead to help others when they are falling. We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

The Eighth Station: Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Luke 23:27-31

A large crowd of people followed Jesus, including many women who mourned and lamented him. Jesus turned to them and said, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep instead for yourselves and for your children, for indeed, the days are coming when people will say, ‘Blessed are the barren, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed.’ At that time people will say to the mountains, ‘Fall upon us!’ and to the hills, ‘Cover us!’ For if these things are done when the wood is green what will happen when it is dry?”

Reflection: Jesus heard the cry from the women of Jerusalem, and not only did he know their pain then, he knew of the pain that women would suffer in the millennia to come. We see all too often how society still disrespects women through various forms of abuse and objectification. Jesus knew as well the atrocities that the children of our world would have to face. As enlightened as we sometimes consider ourselves, how often do we still reject our most vulnerable: the unborn, poor, orphaned, or unwanted children of our world? How dry the wood has become in our time.
As people of faith and of conscience, we join Jesus in combating such things in our society. Even in his own moment of profound suffering, Jesus reaches out to the women and children of his day. We likewise continue to affirm the inherent dignity and beauty of women and their children, especially those who are in harm’s way.

Let us pray: Loving God, bless all vulnerable women and children in our world today. Help them to know of their dignity and worth, even when at times people tell them otherwise. Make us, in instances and situations where we operate from positions of influence, firm in our resolve to defend the most at-risk in our society. We recognize this as our duty and your will. We pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

The Ninth Station: Jesus Falls the Third Time

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Isaiah 50:6-7

I gave my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who tore out my beard;
My face I did not hide
from insults and spitting.
The Lord GOD is my help,
therefore I am not disgraced;
Therefore I have set my face like flint,
knowing that I shall not be put to shame.

Reflection: Our human weakness is a reality we are constantly fighting. We try to stay up later at night or do more at work. We do everything we can to stay young and reduce signs of aging. Our weakness, and our eventual bodily death, is a source of great concern for most of us. However, the grace of God gives us hope. Though we are finite in many ways, God is infinite and an inexhaustible source of love and strength. Our lives of faith help us to accept that grace from God, to transcend our human weakness and strive for lasting things. We live in hope that after the final time we fall, the moment of death, God will raise us up to new and eternal life. Surely, this hope kept Jesus going towards Calvary after he fell again, and it sustains our efforts as well.

Let us pray: Jesus, you knew and felt the limitations of being human—the tiredness, the sickness, and even the sting of death. Yet, you rose above such limitations and provided a model for us by which to live, that of a person accepting his or her limitations while utilizing the grace of God to move beyond them. We have faith that you will indeed raise the righteous on the last day, helping us once and for all to leave behind our human weakness and the consequences of our sin. In your name, we pray. Amen.

The Tenth Station: Jesus is Stripped of His Garments

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

John 19:23-24

When the soldiers had crucified Jesus, they took his clothes and divided them into four shares, a share for each soldier. They also took his tunic, but the tunic was seamless, woven in one piece from the top down. So they said to one another, “Let’s not tear it, but cast lots for it to see whose it will be,” in order that the passage of scripture might be fulfilled that says:

“They divided my garments among them, and for my vesture they cast lots.”

This is what the soldiers did.

Reflection: Crucifixion was not just about pain and torture—it was also about humiliation. We hear of Jesus being stripped of his garments, garments that perhaps his mother had made and that were one of his only remaining possessions in the world. He was standing without any clothes for the entire crowd to see. The soldiers tried to take his dignity, take away everything that he could give to anyone else. But Jesus still had love to give, still had forgiveness to offer, still had his willingness to sacrifice himself, and so he did just that. He accepted the humiliation of nakedness willingly and then proceeded to lay down his life for us all.

This all begs the question for us—if we were stripped of everything…our titles, money, possessions, accomplishments, even the very clothes off our back, would we still be able to give without counting the cost, to love one another unconditionally? The task seems impossible, but there is a certain freedom in being able to say, “Take what you will, but you cannot take away my love. That is mine to give, and I give it freely.”

Let us pray: O God, it is startling, even scary, to think of ourselves without anything but ourselves, without material goods or worldly accolades. We wonder if we could still love if we lost all of this. Most of us will never be called to such radical witness, but we see from what Christ has shown us that our ability to love, forgive, and transform hearts is in none of these temporary things. Remind us again that our true power comes from the divine life that lives in each of us as your created sons and daughters. In Jesus’ name, we pray. Amen.

The Eleventh Station: Jesus is Nailed to the Cross

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Isaiah 53:11-12

Because of his anguish he shall see the light;
because of his knowledge he shall be content;
My servant, the just one, shall justify the many,
their iniquity he shall bear.
Therefore I will give him his portion among the many,
and he shall divide the spoils with the mighty,
Because he surrendered himself to death,
was counted among the transgressors,
Bore the sins of many,
and interceded for the transgressors.

Reflection: Finally, the reality of our sins takes tangible form. The little hurts, the lies, the cheating, the laying blame, the insults, and the insecurities—all are there in those nails. They bring pain and suffering as we nail Jesus to the cross. Yet, if he cries out, he cries out not in protest but in willing acceptance. His sacrifice is a profound one, as he freely gives of his life and receives the nails we intend for each other or even ourselves. May this image of our sin spur us to conversion, and may we always be filled with gratitude when we consider Jesus’ gift.

Let us pray: Lord Jesus, it is difficult to imagine the pain that accompanies being nailed to a cross. Ponder it too long and we shudder. You also trembled at such realities as you prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane, but we see you now bravely and lovingly facing your self-willed destiny. May we repent of the nails we intend through our sinfulness and sit in humble gratitude of your sacrifice. You live and reign forever and ever. Amen.

The Twelfth Station: Jesus Dies on the Cross

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Matthew 27:39-50

Those passing by reviled him, shaking their heads and saying, “You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself, if you are the Son of God, and come down from the cross!” Likewise the chief priests with the scribes and elders mocked him and said, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. So he is the king of Israel! Let him come down from the cross now, and we will believe in him. He trusted in God; let him deliver him now if he wants him. For he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” The revolutionaries who were crucified with him also kept abusing him in the same way.

From noon onward, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon.And about three o’clock Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Some of the bystanders who heard it said, “This one is calling for Elijah.” Immediately one of them ran to get a sponge; he soaked it in wine, and putting it on a reed, gave it to him to drink. But the rest said, “Wait, let us see if Elijah comes to save him.” But Jesus cried out again in a loud voice, and gave up his spirit.

Reflection: (If possible, kneel for a moment of silence.) Look at the cross as it holds the bruised and bleeding body of our Lord and Savior. How is it that this instrument of torture and shame could bring about our salvation, our lasting hope? It is because of the power of God’s transformative grace. It transforms our lives of sin into lives of holiness, our feuding families into models of sacred family life, our selfish tendencies into acts of selflessness, and our confused sadness into everlasting joy. We cling to Jesus’ death on the cross, this ultimate example of unconditional love, as our refuge in a world full of broken relationships, broken homes, and broken-down people. Christ’s sacrifice is so powerful that it overcomes all of these and ushers in opportunities for peace, for reconciliation, for lasting joy. Truly, by his holy cross, Jesus has redeemed the world.

Let us pray: Father, we gaze upon the body of your Son, and we slowly begin to realize the enormity of your love for us, that you would send him for this purpose of saving us from our sins. We marvel as well at his willing acceptance. We hope that this realization and knowledge never leaves us and that we would apply it to how we live and love in our families, marriages, and relationships. May we remember that unconditional love is the only thing that has ever changed and will continue to change the world for the good. We pray this through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in unity with the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever. Amen.

The Thirteenth Station: Jesus is Taken Down from the Cross

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Mark 15:43-45

Joseph of Arimathea, a distinguished member of the council, who was himself awaiting the kingdom of God, came and courageously went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. Pilate was amazed that he was already dead. He summoned the centurion and asked him if Jesus had already died. And when he learned of it from the centurion, he gave the body to Joseph.

Reflection: Joseph of Arimathea meets Pontius Pilate. Courage meets cowardice. Joseph understands the responsibility and potential cost of discipleship, including going to bury the body of the Lord. Pilate allows it, probably happy to be rid of the problem of Jesus of Nazareth.

What are the costs of discipleship for us today? They are likely much less than what disciples in the early Church faced, and yet, would we be willing to die for our faith? What about being mocked, ridiculed, and scorned? Are these too much to ask, or are our faith and our salvation the most valuable gifts we have? Our families are to be witnesses as well, models of discipleship and of God’s love existing in the world. Our goal is to be evermore like Joseph of Arimathea, people who are disciples despite the risks, disciples because we know of the rewards promised to and won for us.

Let us pray: Spirit of God, you infuse us with your gift of courage. Reawaken this and your other gifts in us that we might live more fully the call to discipleship. Be as tongues of fire to lead us on our way. We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen.

The Fourteenth Station: Jesus is Laid in the Tomb

We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you.

(Genuflect) Because by your holy cross you have redeemed the world.

Luke 23:53-56

After [Joseph] had taken the body down, he wrapped it in a linen cloth and laid him in a rock-hewn tomb in which no one had yet been buried. It was the day of preparation, and the sabbath was about to begin. The women who had come from Galilee with him followed behind, and when they had seen the tomb and the way in which his body was laid in it, they returned and prepared spices and perfumed oils.

Reflection: Regardless of our age, state, or position, death comes into our lives, often abruptly and as an unwelcome visitor. All of our families experience death, sometimes in a grandparent who has lived to a ripe, old age but sometimes in a child who never had a chance at living a full life. No matter when it comes, death is never easy. It is precisely at these times that relationships and families have the potential to be such a blessing. Our bonds with those who remain bring us a measure of consolation. Finally, as we know for Jesus and for ourselves, death is not the final answer. We are a people of hope, hope in the resurrection and eternal life. As we live our lives and deal with the reality of death, may we keep Christ’s life, death, and resurrection firmly in mind as the source of our salvation.

Let us pray: Jesus, how saddened your friends and family must have felt as they laid your body in the tomb, unsure if you would fulfill your prophecy of rising on the third day. Deaths amongst our families and friends are also moments of sadness and doubt for us. During those moments, remind us that you have overcome death and lead our loved ones and us to new life. You live and reign forever and ever. Amen.

Veneration of the Cross

If possible, venerate the cross with a kiss, genuflection, or other appropriate gesture, observing a time of silence or musical meditation.

Let us pray: Lord Jesus, we have walked with you this Way of the Cross and, in a special way, kept our families, marriages, and relationships in mind. We know that you call us individually and collectively to greater union with you in our way of life. Bless us with the grace to follow you on this pathway of our salvation. We pray all these things in your most holy name. Amen.

+ May the Lord bless us, protect us from all evil, and bring us to everlasting life. Amen.

About the Author
A recipient of both a Bachelor of Arts and a Master of Divinity degree from the University of Notre Dame, Daniel previously served as the Director of Religious Education at Saint Pius X Catholic Church in Granger, Indiana. His writing interests largely center on Catholic spirituality and theology, particularly family life and the Christian answer to the question of human suffering. Originally from Hays, Kansas, he and his wife Stephanie currently reside with their children in South Bend, Indiana. For more of his writings, visit faithfamilyfatherhood.blogspot.com.

This text is used with permission from the author and may not be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the author. Electronic and paperback versions are available for sale at this link.

Scripture texts in this work are taken from the New American Bible, revised edition © 2010, 1991, 1986, 1970 Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, Washington, D.C. and are used by permission of the copyright owner. All Rights Reserved. No part of the New American Bible may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Observing Lent? Try a Team Approach

The forty days of Lent can seem like a long time, especially if one is giving up a favorite food or video game. It’s helpful to have a friend to keep us going. He or she can encourage us, challenge us, and pick us up if we falter. And if that friend happens to be our spouse, so much the better!

This year, consider approaching Lent as a team. That doesn’t mean you have to give up—or do—the same things as your spouse, although that’s a possibility. It does mean sharing your Lenten resolution(s) and asking for each other’s prayers and active support. People often find that they’re much more likely to keep their resolutions when they hold themselves accountable to another person. Knowing that someone walks with us, even if it’s not exactly the same path, can be a great comfort and motivator.

If you’re thinking about Lenten resolutions, consider the traditional practices of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving (works of charity). Here are some ideas to get started.

Prayer is the foundation of Christian life. Lent is an excellent time to evaluate our prayer life and, if necessary, make improvements. Have I been faithful to prayer each day? Have I used Scripture, spiritual books and other resources to deepen my prayer? Do I try to listen as well as speak? A few suggestions:

  • Set aside a time for prayer each day and invite your spouse to do the same. It can be the same time, or different times depending on your schedules. If you’re parents, take turns looking after the kids so that each of you can have quiet time.
  • Watch a video reflection on the day’s Scripture readings. Exchange an insight or two with your spouse.
  • If you’d like to try to pray together but need help to get started read How to Pray with Your Spouse: Four Simple Steps and Who Me, Pray?…With Her? Also check out Ten Pointers for Prayer.
  • Participate in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Most parishes have added times for confession during Lent.
  • Dip into a spiritual classic, for example, Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales, or the autobiographies of St. Therese of Lisieux and St. Teresa of Avila.

Fasting can take various forms. Giving up a favorite food or drink is a tangible reminder of our commitment to draw closer to Christ. Or we can fast from a non-productive behavior or attitude. Some ideas:

  • Participate in your parish’s weekly soup supper, or serve a simple supper in your home once or twice each week.
  • Give up a video game, TV program or social networking site. Use the time to do some spiritual reading, visit an elderly relative, or help your children learn a new skill.
  • “Fast” from negative comments, put-downs, and sarcastic remarks to and about your spouse. Apologize if you slip up.

Many parishes offer extra opportunities for works of charity and service during Lent. Consider making a commitment that will last beyond the Lenten season. Here are some suggestions:

  • Take out your household budget and review your charitable contributions. Do you need to increase them or change the allocations to the various charitable organizations?
  • Do you volunteer in your parish or community? If so, discuss how you can support each other. If you’re not already a volunteer, prayerfully discern whether you are called to some kind of service.
  • Simplify your life. Clean out a drawer, closet, or other storage area each day during Lent and give unneeded but usable clothes and household items to charitable organizations.

Additional resources: