Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

The Truth About Divorce Statistics

“The truth about marriage is that divorce is getting less common,” New York Times writer Tara Parker-Pope says in her newly released book, “For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage” (Dutton, 2010). For a variety of reasons, “divorce rates have dropped sharply since peaking in the late 1970s,” she observes.

Parker-Pope frequently reports on current marriage research in the Times. Her book says that in recent years she has “interviewed dozens of the world’s top marriage and relationship researchers, and pored over hundreds of published research studies,” exploring “what science has taught us about lasting relationships and the complexities of courtship, love and marriage.”

Inflated divorce statistics can be harmful, Parker-Pope suggests. She is concerned that misleading statistics have “trained a generation to be ambivalent about marriage and divorce.” People are left asking, “If half of all married couples are getting divorced, what’s the big deal?”

Parker-Pope cautions that incorrectly understanding current divorce statistics may result in many people believing that “marriage is more fragile than it really is.” Believing that more people are destined to divorce than is the case could lead some couples simply to give up when problems occur in their marriages, she fears.

The “grim statistic” that 50 percent of marriages are destined to end in divorce has been repeated for years, “but that bleak prognosis doesn’t apply to most couples getting married today or even most of those who married in the last few decades,” according to Parker-Pope. The problem, she adds, lies at least partly in how divorce rates tend to be calculated.

Her book holds that “because so many variables in the marriage-and-divorce equation are changing, a simple calculation comparing marriages and divorces in a given year ends up distorting the result and suggesting that the divorce rate is higher than it really is.”

One factor in the overall divorce-rate picture is that couples today tend to marry at an older age than was the case in 1970, for example. Studies indicate that the “risk for divorce drops significantly when couples wait to wed until after the age of twenty-five,” Parker-Pope writes. She says an added benefit of marrying at a later age may be that “many of the weakest relationships are ending before a couple ever heads to the altar.”

It is true that couples married in the 1970s divorce at high rates, according to Parker-Pope. Then couples typically married “in their late teens and early twenties,” she states; statistics show that the 30-year divorce rate among these couples “is about 47 percent.”

But Parker-Pope finds that “people married in the 1980s and 1990s are getting divorced at lower rates than their counterparts married in the 1970s.” In fact, she says it appears that marital stability is “improving each decade.”

So, for Parker-Pope, today “the good news” is that “far more people are succeeding at marriage than failing.” She says research suggests that “far more than half of married couples today stay married.”

Nonetheless, she points out that “a sizable minority of marriages will eventually fail.” She notes, as well, that fewer people today marry at all.

The writer cautions that current statistics on divorce do not mean that marriage has become easy. Actually, Parker-Pope finds that contemporary couples “have far higher expectations of marriage than did earlier generations.” Social shifts have “raised the bar” for marriage in terms of the emotional fulfillment that is sought, the partnership and fairness that is desired, and the strong sense many spouses have that they ought to remain soul mates.

Marriage: The Later Years

The later years includes the blissful “empty-nest” season of a marriage that can feel like a second honeymoon. Many couples welcome their new freedom,” while others have a hard time letting go. Sometimes a couple who happily thought they were in the empty-nest stage are faced with a boomerang young adult who again needs their care, presence, home, and perhaps babysitting services. The later years can also bring major health issues and the gradual loss of abilities.

Second marriage couples enter the later years of their lives but it’s the early years of their marriage. Men and women who marry after a divorce or death of a spouse, or after waiting for the right person, experience in their later years some of the same adjustments of young marrieds.

Issues of diminishing health, grief over peers dying, and significant blocks of togetherness time are common. Thus, the wife who married her husband “for better or for worse, but not for lunch together!” becomes a poignant cliché.

How do couples re-negotiate their relationship to take into account their new freedom, increased time together, possibly decreased income, and fading health and energy? Some do it with grace because over the years they’ve learned the marital dance of flexibility and tolerance. Some complain a lot – about life, about each other, about the weather.

Some may want to complain but know that’s not very endearing. Yet they struggle with letting go of the old patterns and roles of their life together. For these couples, the desire to let go with grace may be enough motivation to:

  • Attend a marriage enrichment program geared especially to older couples
  • Explore new hobbies and interests together
  • Volunteer with their church, community, or other good causes that would benefit from their experience
  • Deepen their spirituality to help them deal with the losses and limitations of later life
  • Forgive others’ faults and drop long-held grudges

Other Resources

The Second Half of Marriage small group resource: see listing on the Encouragement and Enrichment page.

For Further Reading

I Promise To Be True To You

If they are not too anxious, every bride and groom hears at the beginning of the Catholic Rite of Marriage:

My dear friends, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church’s minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love. He has already consecrated you in baptism and now he enriches and strengthens you by a special sacrament so that you may assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.

The bridal couple likely believes their love is already strong. Do they really need Christ to enrich and strengthen them? It sounds as if marriage involves a challenge for which the bride and groom need fortification, their mission being to “assume the duties of marriage in mutual and lasting fidelity.”

What is fidelity that it is considered tough enough to need sacramental enrichment and strengthening? One definition–faithfulness to duties and obligations, or loyalty—corresponds with a traditional understanding of marital fidelity. It denotes unfailing fulfillment of one’s responsibilities and the keeping of one’s word or vows.

Fidelity and its rigors can best be described by those whose lives exemplify faithfulness. The Bible presents many models: Abraham’s fidelity to God despite difficult tests; Ruth’s loyalty to her mother-in-law although free to return to her own clan; Hosea’s resolute faithfulness despite his wife’s infidelities; Paul’s commitment to his mission despite arduous journeys and imprisonment.

We see by our forebears’ lives that fidelity is not easy but is possible with the help of God. Above all the Bible shows that God is faithful no matter how poorly human beings behave. The Son of God dies so that God can keep a promise. Married life often presents trials, conflicting choices, a partner’s inattention or worse. Faithful love persists. Spouses lay down their lives for their beloved every day.

Examples of faithful living exist in our own time. My closest example is my parents’ devotion to each another. My father’s loyalty during the last phase of their life is a remarkable illustration of meeting fidelity’s demands.

Shortly after my dad retired he noticed the first signs of Mom’s Alzheimer-related dementia. About 15 years after her diagnosis they moved to a retirement center to ensure Mom’s security if Dad died first. Dad gave up space and privacy for her sake. He also gave up sleep and dignity. When his wife began to wander, he slept on the floor by the door until an alarm was installed. When she insisted she had to meet her (deceased) father in the parking lot in the middle of the night, he accompanied her. When she forgot Dad’s name and told people “that strange man” was abusing her, he wept alone.

At last Dad admitted he could no longer continue as his wife’s primary caregiver, calling it “the hardest day of my life.” After Mom moved to the care unit, Dad visited her three times daily, bringing fresh fruit and newspapers, brushing her teeth, kissing her upon arrival and before parting. Death, he believed, would be easier to accept than her prolonged debilitation.

Mutual and lasting fidelity to the duties of marriage can be seriously tested by both good times and bad: as much by children’s births, job relocation, multiple opportunities, and wealth as by work stress, financial strain, emotional illness, disabilities, and tragedy. Temptations against fidelity might be disguised as attraction, generosity, or loyalty to a person or cause that is good, such as members of one’s original family, career, material comforts, a friend in need, even religion. No wonder couples need Christ’s enrichment and strength to differentiate between temptation and their vocation.

They also need to practice the virtue of fidelity from courtship onward. Fidelity is an acquired quality that is developed intentionally. Every temptation to be unfaithful is an opportunity to build character. Being purposely faithful to one’s wedding vows enables fidelity to become ingrained, a part of one’s makeup. Forty-five years of fidelity culminated in my father’s faithfulness during their last 15 married years, and in my mother’s willingness to put herself in his hands.

Another definition of fidelity, referring to accuracy and exact correspondence with the original, also offers insights into the marital virtue. Just as a high-fidelity electronic device is noted for accurate sound or picture reproduction, a high-fidelity marriage corresponds with what it represents: the love within the Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church. As a high-fidelity record is true to the original production, faithful spouses are true to their vows.

As President Woodrow Wilson said about loyalty, fidelity “means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.” Yet marital fidelity has rewards. A radical commitment to fidelity enables spouses to trust one another. It fosters openness and intimacy. It dignifies the marriage even in undignified circumstances like personal failure and physical or mental debilitation. A high-fidelity marriage is the basis for a stable family in which children can flourish. And on strong families is built a strong society.

Fidelity is a virtue intertwined with true love. Christ strengthens lovers who desire to be faithful so that, as Pope Benedict XVI said, “love is never ‘finished’ and complete; throughout life, it changes and matures, and thus remains faithful to itself” (Deus Caritas Est, 17). Fidelity, like love, is no fleeting feeling but a life-long commitment that Christ abundantly blesses.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

Marijuana: What Every Parent Should Know

How likely is it that my child will use marijuana?

Marijuana use is widespread, especially among teens. Each year, the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan conducts an extensive survey of 8th, 10th, and 12th graders. The 2008 survey found that by the 12th grade, 43 percent of the students had tried marijuana, 19 percent had used it in the month preceding the survey, and five percent used it every day.

When should I start worrying about it?

Earlier than you might think. According to Dr. Karen Miotto, a professor at the UCLA School of Medicine and former director of its Alcoholism and Addiction Medicine Service, “kids are starting to experiment with marijuana at ages 10 or 11.” But the most important years come when the child leaves middle school for high school, says Joseph Califano, Jr., head of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. Fourteen-year olds are three times more likely to be offered marijuana than 13-year olds, he says.

Is marijuana harmful?

Marijuana has both short-term and long-term effects. Like alcohol, it can affect concentration and slow down reaction times. That’s an especially serious problem for teenage drivers at a time in their lives when they are experimenting behind the wheel. Traces of marijuana tend to linger in the body for several days. Those who use it only occasionally may be under the false impression they have “sobered up,” even though their reaction times continue to be affected.

Marijuana also affects short-term memory, making it more difficult to handle complex tasks, study, and learn, a serious problem for teenagers who should be developing the learning habits and working skills that will prepare them for their adult responsibilities.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, those who use marijuana frequently can develop “amotivational syndrome,” leading to problems including “not caring about what happens in their lives, no desire to work regularly, fatigue, and a lack of concern about how they look.” Dr. Richard N. Rosenthal of Columbia University recently put it this way: “The people who become chronic users don’t have the same lives and the same achievements as people who don’t use chronically.”

Can my child become addicted to marijuana?

According to a 1999 study of the Institute of Medicine cited in The News York Times, only nine percent of the people who used marijuana became addicted. (By comparison, 17 percent become addicted to cocaine and 23 percent to heroin.)

On the other hand, today’s marijuana can be as much as five times more potent than the product of the 1970s. “Now that people have access to very high potency marijuana, the game is different,” Dr. Nora D. Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, told the Times. There was a time, she says, when “people thought cocaine was a very benign drug.” With marijuana, she added, “it’s going to take some real fatalities for people to pay attention.” One 50-year old man interviewed by the Times said that he had kicked heroin and cocaine, but still couldn’t kick marijuana.

Does using marijuana necessarily lead kids to harder drugs?

Whether marijuana is a “gateway drug” is a source of some contention. One study by Columbia University’s Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, found that “children who use marijuana are 85 times more likely to use cocaine than non-marijuana users.”

But Dr. Alan J. Budney, a professor of Psychiatry and Psychology at the University of Vermont, sees the “gateway” concept as confusing. He says that “99 percent of cocaine or heroin users have smoked pot. So in some ways it is a precursor. The other side of that is that 85 percent of people who smoke pot only smoke pot.”

Yet if 85 percent don’t graduate to harder drugs, that means that 15 percent (or one out of seven) do. So it might be likened to a game of Russian Roulette with an old pistol whose barrel has seven chambers and one bullet. Experimenting with marijuana won’t necessarily lead to harder drugs, but it’s an experiment with an unacceptably high degree of risk.

How do I know if my kids are using it?

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) offers some warning signs that your child may be using marijuana. Signs that he or she may be high include dizziness and trouble walking; becoming silly and giggly for no apparent reason; having very red, bloodshot eyes; and having a hard time remembering things that just happened.

Some behavioral signs of marijuana use include withdrawal, depression, and fatigue; hostility toward family and friends; changes in academic performance and loss of interest in sports. Of course, as NIDA points out, behavioral changes can simply be a sign of difficulties with adolescence.

Parents should also be aware of such things as signs of drugs and drug paraphernalia, including pipes and rolling papers; odor on clothes and in the bedroom; and clothing, posters, jewelry and other objects promoting drug use.

Finally, know your kids’ friends. They are the ones most likely to initiate them into drug use.

Is there anything I can do to prevent my children from using marijuana?

You are the most important influence when it comes to your kids experimenting with drugs. A 2000 survey by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University found that “half of teens who had not tried marijuana credited their parents with their decision.”

How can you help?

  • First, become informed about what’s going on in the world of illegal drugs. Your kids most likely know much more about the current drug scene than you do, and you need to speak to them with the authority that knowledge brings.
  • Second, discuss the drug issue openly with your kids. Know the arguments for and against. This may be the most important debate you will ever have. The best place to discuss the subject is the dinner table. Your mere presence each night has a powerful effect on your kids.
  • Third, be a role model for your kids. When it comes to using any addictive substance, legal or otherwise, nothing speaks louder than your own good example.

Where can I read more about marijuana and its effects on kids?

A number of sites on the internet can provide you with all the factual information you will need to discuss the subject with your children. Here are three sites that you may find helpful:

White House Office of National Drug Control Policy

The National Institute on Drug Abuse

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America

About the author
Tim Lanigan is a retired speechwriter who worked at the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration from 1998 to 2004

The Courage to be Married

It may not take courage to make a promise, but it can take a lot of courage to keep a promise. This is especially true for the promises we make on our wedding day.

I remember when I was an altar boy serving wedding Masses. I recall seeing the nervousness and sometimes outright terror on the faces of the brides and grooms who knelt before the altar. I used to wonder why they were so nervous. Then, years later, I got engaged to be married and got my own taste of that fear.

For me, it was never the problem that I didn’t love the woman kneeling next to me before God, our families, and friends on our wedding day. The problem was that no human could offer us any guarantees as to what was ahead of us. In fact, our friend Father Rich Simon, who presided at our wedding, presented us with a list of possibilities that didn’t exactly inspire confidence—sickness, poverty, or worse.

But in our decades of marriage so far, what we’ve found is that, most often, the courage we’ve needed has been to respond to the more mundane and everyday challenges that marriage brings. And the more we’ve had the courage to address these challenges, the stronger, more satisfying, and even holier our marriage has been for us. Here are a few of those everyday challenges we faced. You’ll surely find your own.

The courage to say what needs to be said

I suspect that most marriages aren’t harmed as much by what is said as by what is left unsaid. Withholding our truth from one another can kill a marriage. This can range from failing to express one’s love (in words, in deeds, in conscientious responses), to not standing up for oneself, to failing to speak up when something’s wrong in your marriage but you don’t want to rock the boat.

In my own marriage, I am extremely grateful (though usually not at the moment) for the times my wife was able to raise difficult issues I’d rather have kept swept under the rug. And I am glad I have found the courage to speak up about feelings and concerns I had that I knew it would be hard for her to hear. Showing courage in those moments inevitably increased our intimacy, our respect, and our love. Pay attention to what you resist saying. A friend of mine says that when it comes to knowing what inner work we should do, “resistance always points true north.”

The courage to do your own inner work

What behaviors of yours are robbing your marriage? It may be busy-ness, alcohol, anger, compulsive spending, or a whole long list of other distractions and cheap substitutions for the mutual self-revelation that marriage calls us to. Over time, any one of these can kill a marriage. If in your marriage you find yourself doing what you know you don’t want and shouldn’t do, have the courage to get help. It’s funny that people show disdain for turning to a counselor or 12-Step group because they feel it shows weakness, when in truth picking up the phone to make a call for help takes more courage than most things we’ll ever do. Be courageous!

The courage to welcome and let go

One of the greatest challenges of marriage is to find gracious ways to welcome this other person into your life—to make their wants and wishes and needs as much a concern for you as your own wants and wishes and needs. Marriage is all about welcoming—our new spouse, their family and friends, their quirks and foibles, even their maddening habits.

We need to do more than tolerate, we are called to welcome and cherish all of who this person is. It takes courage to open up our lives and invite another in. It takes courage to overcome our own habits of selfishness. And when we do, we swiftly learn that we also need to exercise the Christian virtue of letting go—letting go of old habits and new expectations. And oddly enough, if we are to keep our marriage alive and growing, we need to let go of how our marriage was last year or how we think it ought to be and grow into what our marriage requires or us today. You will change and so will your spouse. Each day, in effect, you need to say, “Once again, I choose you.”

Earlier I wrote that no human being could guarantee what our future might hold, and that’s true. But on your wedding day, God makes you a promise. God promises to be with you every step of the way—for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, and not only until death, but beyond. And in reality, that is the guarantee that has meant the most to Kathleen and me. It is in the context of this living faith that marriage finally makes sense. It is in the faithfulness of God that we have found our hope to remain faithful to one another. It is in the reality of God’s constant love for us that we have discovered the depth and source of our love for each other, for our children, and for the world we are meant to serve. May you have courage—the courage to be truly married.

Read more Virtue of the Month reflections.

The Best Wedding Gift? Your Ongoing Support

At Catholic weddings, many preachers will remind newlyweds about Christ’s promise to remain with them throughout the ups and downs of marriage. Many will also remind the guests about their responsibility to support the bride and groom, especially during the critical early years of their marriage.

Perhaps you’ve heard this challenge yourself. As a family member or friend, you may have wondered how you can offer personal support to the couple. What practical things can you do to affirm their marriage as both a natural gift from the Creator and a supernatural blessing? How can you encourage them to develop the skills and behaviors necessary for a holy and happy union?

Let’s Start with the Wedding

Showing up is a good start. Most of us remember who attended our wedding long after the event is over. We interpret our guests’ presence as a sign of support, especially if they have come from a distance.

But don’t just show up…pray! Consciously join in the Church’s prayer for the couple at this solemn moment.

Of course, guests don’t come empty-handed. With online registries, a place setting of china or flatware can be dispatched in a matter of minutes. Why not also consider a gift that reflects the spiritual dimension of marriage? Possibilities include:

  • A Bible, perhaps with a stand so that it can be displayed in the home
  • A tasteful piece of religious art, such as a Crucifix or an icon of the wedding feast at Cana
  • A passage from one of the wedding readings, mounted, framed and with the wedding date
  • A copy of Household Blessings and Prayers or a book about the spirituality of Christian marriage. See Book Reviews for suggestions.
  • A gift certificate to a religious goods store near the couple’s home

The First Year

Stay in touch! If the newlyweds live nearby, invite them to dinner or to brunch after Sunday Mass. If they’re out of town, call or e-mail. By touching base with some regularity you will know if problems are brewing and be able to offer support and encouragement.

Sometimes a husband or wife–or both–need reassurance that their marital growing pains are entirely normal. A listening, sympathetic ear can be a great gift. If the problems seem serious, find out how to refer the couple to counselors who support marriage. Diocesan Catholic Charities offices can often provide referrals.

Other tips for the first year:

  • Pray for the couple each day, by name.
  • Pass along informative articles about marriage. Marriage research is booming, and much of it can be of practical help to couples. For the latest updates, check out Marriage in the News.
  • Make a habit of remembering the couple’s anniversary, beginning with the first.

The early years

Since many divorces occur within the first five years of marriage, ongoing support for the newlyweds is crucial. This can be a time of transition for many newlyweds, as they may buy a house, have their first child, and/or move forward in their careers. Even positive events, however, can cause stress in a marriage. The wedding may seem a distant memory by now, but the need for support continues. A few tips:

  • If the couple has children, offer to babysit so they can enjoy an occasional date night. See our low-cost and no-cost date ideas.
  • Encourage the couple to attend a weekend retreat. Some dioceses and parishes sponsor couples’ retreats, or check the schedule of local retreat houses.
  • Share your positive experiences of attending a marriage enrichment session. If feasible, give a gift certificate for an enrichment event.
  • Books on Christian parenting make great gifts for parents.
  • Make sure the couple knows about the helpful resources available on this website.

Stages of Growth in Marriage

Social scientists have observed that marriages typically move through a series of at least four stages. Each stage presents unique learning opportunities and blessings, along with challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages is thought to be cyclic. This means couples can move through the stages several times in their lives, each time with an increasing understanding of what is involved for having been there before. Sometimes these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move through these stages at different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one stage can inhibit movement and growth through later stages.

Stage One – Romance, Passion, Expansion and Promise

In the beginning of a relationship partners often communicate effortlessly and at length. They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out of their way to please and surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense of “we.” Individual differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are very accepting. Joy, excitement, happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their best selves. Life seems expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and romance. At this stage couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and praise. God feels very close and responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.

Stage Two – Settling down and Realization

The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give way to the ordinary and routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their communication skills. They work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings. They learn to be honest and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They become aware of differences not noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with them. Couples learn about give and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek clarity about what is going on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and mind. For some couples God may not seem as close while others experience Him more intensely.

Stage Three – Rebellion and Power Struggles

Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations. They will disappoint and unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely aware of their differences and may use control strategies to bring back the desired balance. Power struggles are common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are likely outcomes. Fear and anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow into either/or, right/wrong, good/bad polarities.

Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation in this stage. They learn to deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive community becomes especially important.

This is also the time when individuality and independence rise to the surface. While the early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now couples need to find ways to honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an individual in a committed relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and spontaneous lament. God can seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite present.

Stage Four – Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again

Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened communication, honesty and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of connection. They learn more about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn to identify and talk about their fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or blame their partner; they translate their complaints into requests for change. They move from win/lose to win/win conflict strategies.

Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and flawed, just as they themselves are gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They learn to appreciate and respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each other for granted. They find a new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence and intimacy. Their thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope and energy return to the relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving, and couples often move to a more honest and mature relationship with God.

Additional Challenges and Stages

Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages, each with their own blessings and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will elicit the best and the worst, the gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another opportunity to learn about cooperation and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and conflicts, and about taking time to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that involves not only the growth of the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage, it will have many opportunities to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.

Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment and other financial crises, retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples must take care of the older generation while letting go of the younger one.

Conclusion

Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and flexibility. For people of faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust and surrender. The invitation to the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come from God. God gives us enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot see the entire road and where it will end.

About the author
Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D. is Associate Professor of Pastoral Counseling and Pastoral Studies at Loyola University in Chicago and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

Responsorial Psalms

There are 7 options for the Responsorial Psalm at a Nuptial Mass. We encourage you to spend time in prayer with your fiancé/e to choose the psalm which best speaks to your hopes and dreams for your Christian marriage.

  1. The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord (Psalm 33)
  2. I will bless the Lord at all times (Psalm 34)
  3. The Lord is kind and merciful (Psalm 103)
  4. Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands (Psalm 112)
  5. Blessed are those who fear the Lord (Psalm 128)
  6. How good is the Lord to all (Psalm 145)
  7. Let all praise the name of the Lord (Psalm 148)

1. Psalm 33:12 and 18, 20-21, 22

R. (5b) The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.

Blessed the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people he has chosen as his heritage.
Yes, the Lord’s eyes are upon those who fear him,
who hope in his merciful love.

R. The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.

Our soul is waiting for the Lord,
He is our help and our shield,
in him do our hearts find joy.
We trust in his holy name.

R. The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.

May your merciful love be upon us,
as we hope in you, O Lord.

R. The earth is full of the goodness of the Lord.

2. Psalm 34:2-3, 4-5, 6-7, 8-9

R. (2a) I will bless the Lord at all times.
OR:
R. (9a) Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

I will bless the Lord at all times;
praise of him is always in my mouth.
In the Lord my soul shall makes its boast;
the humble shall hear and be glad.

R. I will bless the Lord at all times.
OR:
R. Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Glorify the Lord with me,
together let us praise his name.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me
from all my terrors he set me free.

R. I will bless the Lord at all times.
OR:
R. Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Look toward him and be radiant;
let your faces not be abashed.
This lowly one called; the Lord heard,
and rescued him from all his distress.

R. I will bless the Lord at all times.
OR:
R. Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

The angel of the Lord is encamped
around those who fear him, to rescue them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
Blessed the man who seeks refuge in him.

R. I will bless the Lord at all times.
OR:
R. Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

3. Psalm 103:1-2, 8 and 13, 17-18a

R. (8a) The Lord is kind and merciful.
OR:
R. (see 17) The Lord’s kindness is everlasting to those who fear him.

Bless the Lord, O my soul;
and all within me, his holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and never forget all his benefits.

R. The Lord is kind and merciful.
OR:
R. The Lord’s kindness is everlasting to those who fear him.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger and rich in mercy.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord’s compassion is on those who fear him.

R. The Lord is kind and merciful.
OR:
R. The Lord’s kindness is everlasting to those who fear him.

But the mercy of the Lord is everlasting
upon those who hold him in fear,
upon children’s children his righteousness,
for those who keep his covenant.

R. The Lord is kind and merciful.
OR:
R. The Lord’s kindness is everlasting to those who fear him.

4. Psalm 112:1bc-2, 3-4, 5-7a, 7b-8, 9

R. (see 1) Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Blessed the man who fears the Lord,
who takes great delight in his commandments.
His descendants shall be powerful on earth;
the generation of the upright will be blest.

R. Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Riches and wealth are in his house;
his righteousness stands firm forever.
A light rises in the darkness for the upright;
he is generous, merciful, and righteous.

R. Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

It goes well for the man who deals generously and lends,
who conducts his affairs with justice.
He will never be moved;
forever shall the righteous be remembered.
He has no fear of evil news.

R. Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

With a firm heart, he trusts in the Lord.
With a steadfast heart he will not fear;
he will see the downfall of his foes.

R. Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Openhanded, he gives to the poor;
his righteousness stands firm forever.
His might shall be exalted in glory.

R. Blessed the man who greatly delights in the Lord’s commands.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

5. Psalm 128:1-2, 3, 4-5

R. (see 1a) Blessed are those who fear the Lord.
OR:
R. (4) See how the Lord blesses those who fear him.

Blessed are all who fear the Lord,
and walk in his ways!
By the labor of your hands you shall eat.
You will be blessed and prosper.

R. Blessed are those who fear the Lord.
OR:
R. See how the Lord blesses those who fear him.

Your wife like a fruitful vine
in the heart of your house;
Your children like shoots of the olive.
around your table.

R. Blessed are those who fear the Lord.
OR:
R. See how the Lord blesses those who fear him.

Indeed thus shall be blessed
the man who fears the Lord.
May the Lord bless you from Zion:
all the days of your life!
May you see your children’s children.

R. Blessed are those who fear the Lord.
OR:
R. See how the Lord blesses those who fear him.

6. Psalm 145:8-9, 10 and 15, 17-18

R. (9a) How good is the Lord to all.

The Lord is kind and full of compassion,
slow to anger, abounding in mercy.
How good is the Lord to all,
compassionate to all his creatures.

R. How good is the Lord to all.

All your works shall thank you, O Lord,
and all your faithful ones bless you.
The eyes of all look to you
and you give them their food in due season.

R. How good is the Lord to all.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and holy in all his deeds.
The Lord is close to all who call him,
who call on him in truth.

R. How good is the Lord to all.

7. Psalm 148:1-2, 3-4, 9-10, 11-13a, 13c-14a

R. (13a) Let all praise the name of the Lord.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Praise the Lord from the heavens,
praise him in the heights;
Praise him, all you his angels,
praise him, all you his hosts.

R. Let all praise the name of the Lord.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Praise him, sun and moon;
praise him, all you shining stars.
Praise him, you highest heavens,
and you waters above the heavens.

R. Let all praise the name of the Lord.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Mountains and all hills,
fruit trees and all cedars;
beasts, both wild and tame,
creeping things and birds on the wing.

R. Let all praise the name of the Lord.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Kings of the earth and all peoples,
princes and all judges of the earth,
young men and maidens as well,
the old and the young together.
Let them praise the name of the Lord,
for his name alone is exalted.

R. Let all praise the name of the Lord.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

His splendor above earth and heaven.
He exalts the strength of his people.

R. Let all praise the name of the Lord.
OR:
R. Alleluia.

Other Nuptial Mass Readings
Old Testament Readings
New Testament Readings
Gospel Readings

Ecumenical and Interfaith Marriages

Until recent decades, the idea of a Catholic marrying outside the faith was practically unheard of, if not taboo. Such weddings took place in private ceremonies in the parish rectory, not in a church sanctuary in front of hundreds of friends and family.

These days, many people marry across religious lines. The rate of ecumenical marriages (a Catholic marrying a baptized non-Catholic) and interfaith marriages (a Catholic marrying an non-baptized non-Christian) varies by region. In areas of the U.S. with proportionately fewer Catholics, as many as 40% of married Catholics may be in ecumenical or interfaith marriages.

Because of the challenges that arise when a Catholic marries someone of a different religion, the church doesn’t encourage the practice, but it does try to support ecumenical and interfaith couples and help them prepare to meet those challenges with a spirit of holiness. Theologian Robert Hater, author of the 2006 book, “When a Catholic Marries a Non-Catholic,” writes: “To regard mixed religion marriages negatively does them a disservice. They are holy covenants and must be treated as such.”

A marriage can be regarded at two levels – whether it is valid in the eyes of the Church and whether it is a sacrament. Both depend in part on whether the non-Catholic spouse is a baptized Christian or a non-baptized person, such as a Jew, Muslim or atheist.

If the non-Catholic is a baptized Christian (not necessarily Catholic), the marriage is valid as long as the Catholic party obtains official permission from the diocese to enter into the marriage and follows all the stipulations for a Catholic wedding.

A marriage between a Catholic and another Christian is also considered a sacrament. In fact, the church regards all marriages between baptized Christians as sacramental, as long as there are no impediments.

“Their marriage is rooted in the Christian faith through their baptism,” Hater explains.

In cases where a Catholic is marrying someone who is not a baptized Christian – known as a marriage with disparity of cult – “the church exercises more caution,” Hater says. A “dispensation from disparity of cult,” which is a more rigorous form of permission given by the local bishop, is required for the marriage to be valid.

The union between a Catholic and a non-baptized spouse is not considered sacramental. However, Hater adds, “Though they do not participate in the grace of the sacrament of marriage, both partners benefit from God’s love and help [grace] through their good lives and beliefs.”

Marriage Preparation

Good-quality marriage preparation is essential in helping couples work through the questions and challenges that will arise after they tie the knot.

Questions that the engaged couple should consider include in what faith community (or communities) the couple will be involved, how the couple will handle extended family who may have questions or concerns about one spouse’s faith tradition, and how the couple will foster a spirit of unity despite their religious differences

Of all the challenges an ecumenical or interfaith couple will face, the most pressing one likely will be the question of how they raise their children.

“The church makes clear … that their marriages will be more challenging from the perspective of faith,” Hater writes. “… Special challenges exist as well when it comes to raising children in the Catholic faith.”

Because of these challenges, the church requires the Catholic party to be faithful to his or her faith and to “make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power” to have their children baptized and raised in the Catholic faith. This provision of the 1983 Code of Canon Law is a change from the 1917 version, which required an absolute promise to have the children raised Catholic.

Likewise, the non-Catholic spouse is no longer required to promise to take an active role in raising the children in the Catholic faith, but instead “to be informed at an appropriate time of these promises which the Catholic party has to make, so that it is clear that the other party is truly aware of the promise and obligation of the Catholic party,” the code states. (See the 1983 [current] Code of Canon Law, canons 1124-1129 on “Mixed Marriages” for the full text.)

But suppose the non-Catholic party insists that the children will not be raised Catholic? The diocese can still grant permission for the marriage, as long as the Catholic party promises to do all he or she can to fulfill that promise, Hater writes. The marriage may be legal, he notes, but is it a wise choice? Those are questions that may also need to be explored in marriage preparation.

If children are raised in another faith, he notes, “the Catholic parent must show children good example, affirm the core beliefs of both parents’ religious traditions, make them aware of Catholic beliefs and practices and support the children in the faith they practice.”

The Wedding Ceremony

Because Catholics regard marriage as a sacred event, the church prefers that ecumenical interfaith couples marry in a Catholic church, preferably the Catholic party’s parish church. If they wish to marry elsewhere, they must get permission from the local bishop. He can permit them to marry in the non-Catholic spouse’s place of worship or another suitable place with a minister, rabbi or civil magistrate – if they have a good reason, according to the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. This permission is called a “dispensation from canonical form.” Without it, a wedding not held in a Catholic church is not considered valid.

It’s popular, and acceptable, for an ecumenical or interfaith couple to invite the non-Catholic spouse’s minister to be present at the wedding. But it’s important to note that, according to canon law, only the priest may officiate at a Catholic wedding. A minister may offer a few words, but he or she may not officiate or preside at a joint ceremony.

It is generally recommended that ecumenical or interfaith weddings not include Communion. Therefore, most ecumenical or interfaith weddings take place outside of Mass: there is a different service for a Catholic marrying a baptized Christian and a Catholic marrying a non-baptized person or catechuman (person preparing for baptism).

“The reception of Communion is a sign of unity with the ecclesial community,” he explains. “On a wedding day, the fact that one-half of the congregation does not belong to the Catholic community [and, hence, does not receive Communion] cannot be a sign of welcome or unity on a couple’s wedding day.” It might be “likened to inviting guests to a celebration and not allowing them to eat,” he adds.

If an ecumenical couple wants to celebrate their wedding within Mass, they must get permission from the bishop, Hater says. “In addition, only with his permission can a person, other than a Catholic, receive Communion in church during such a wedding.”

Catholic-Jewish Weddings

Jews and Christians share a view of marriage as a holy union and symbol of God’s bond with his people.

Stricter branches of Judaism, such as Orthodox and Conservative, forbid or strongly discourage Jews from marrying non-Jews and prohibit their rabbis from participating in interreligious marriage ceremonies.

“Conservative Judaism sees only the marriage of two Jews as … a sacred event,” reported the USCCB’s Committee for Ecumenical and Interreligious Affairs, which discussed Catholic-Jewish marriages at a conference in November 2004. The Reform branch of Judaism strongly discourages interfaith marriages, but there is no legal prohibition against it as there is in the stricter branches.

Often, a Catholic-Jewish wedding is held at a neutral site – with permission from the bishop – so that neither family will feel uncomfortable. In such cases, a rabbi is likely to officiate. The couple needs to have a dispensation from canonical form for such a wedding to be valid in the Catholic Church.

“Your pastor could be involved in the wedding by giving a blessing, but in Catholic-Jewish weddings, usually the rabbi will officiate,” writes Father Daniel Jordan, judicial vicar for the Tribunal of the Diocese of Burlington, Vt.

As for the children of a Catholic-Jewish marriage, religious leaders agree that it is “vastly preferable for the offspring of mixed marriages to be raised exclusively in one tradition or the other, while maintaining an attitude of respect for the religious traditions of the ‘other’ side of the family,” the conference report said.

Traditionally, Jews consider any child of a Jewish woman to be Jewish. The question of what faith in which to raise children must be an ongoing topic of dialogue between the couple and during marriage preparation. “Attempting to raise a child simultaneously as both Jewish and Catholic … can only lead to violation of the integrity of both religious traditions,” the report said.

Catholic-Muslim Marriages

Marriages between Catholics and Muslims present their own particular challenges.

Islamic men may marry outside of their faith only if their spouse is Christian or Jewish. In fact, the prophet Muhammed had a Christian wife and Jewish wife. A non-Muslim wife is not required to adopt any Muslim laws, and her husband cannot keep her from attending church or synagogue. However, Islamic women are forbidden from marrying non-Muslim men unless the spouse agrees to convert to Islam.

For Catholics and Muslims, one of the most difficult aspects of marriage is the religion of the children. Both faiths insist that the children of such marriages to be part of their own religious faith.

Such issues will continue to be challenges for Catholics marrying outside the faith in this increasingly diverse world, Hater writes. But with positive approaches to preparation and ministry, and a spirit of welcome to both parties, many ecumenical and interfaith marriages can be intimate, holy reflections of God’s love.

“Regarding mixed marriages with hope does not minimize the challenges that they present,” he says, “but recognizes the blessings that they can afford to spouses, children and the faith community.”

RESOURCES:

For Further Reading:

Between Man and Woman

Why does the Catholic Church teach that marriage can exist only between a man and a woman?

Marriage, as both a natural institution and a sacred union, is rooted in God’s plan for creation. The truth that marriage can only exist between a man and a woman is woven deeply into the human spirit. The Church’s teaching on marriage expresses a truth, therefore, that can be perceived first and foremost by human reason. This truth has been confirmed by divine Revelation in Sacred Scripture.

Why can marriage exist only between a man and a woman?

The natural structure of human sexuality makes man and woman complementary partners for expressing conjugal love and transmitting human life. Only a union of male and female can express the sexual complementarity willed by God for marriage. This unique complementarity makes possible the conjugal bond that is the core of marriage.

Why is a same-sex union not equivalent to a marriage?

A same-sex union contradicts the nature and purposes of marriage. It is not based on the natural complementarity of male and female. It cannot achieve the natural purpose of sexual union, that is, to cooperate with God to create new life. Because persons in a same-sex union cannot enter into a true conjugal union, it is wrong to equate their relationship to a marriage.

What unique contributions does marriage between a man and woman make to society?

Marriage is the fundamental pattern for male-female relationships. It contributes to society because it models the way in which women and men live interdependently and commit to seek the good of each other. The marital union also provides the best conditions for raising children: namely, the stable, loving relationship of a mother and father present only in marriage. The state recognizes this relationship as a public institution in its laws because the relationship makes a unique and essential contribution to the common good.

Ideas about marriage have changed over the years. Isn’t same sex marriage just one more change?

The institution of marriage has experienced many developments. Some of these are related to our contemporary understanding about the equality of men and women. These developments have enhanced marriage, but none has conflicted with the basic purpose and nature of marriage. Proposals to legalize same sex marriage would radically redefine marriage.

If people of the same sex love and care for each other, why shouldn’t they be allowed to marry?

Love and commitment are key ingredients of marriage, and the Church recognizes that a basic purpose of marriage is the good of the spouses. The other purpose, however, is the procreation and education of children. There is a fundamental difference between marriage, which has the potential to bring forth children, and other relationships. Marriage between a man and a woman will usually result in children. This remains a powerful human reality, even if every marriage does not bring forth children. This makes marriage between a man and a woman a unique institution.

What difference would it make to married couples if same sex partners are allowed to marry?

We need to answer this question not simply as individuals, but as members of society, called to work for the common good. If same sex marriage were legalized, the result would be a significant change in our society. We would be saying that the primary purpose of marriage is to validate and protect a sexually intimate relationship. All else would be secondary. While we cannot say exactly what the impact of this change would be, experience suggests that it would be negative. Marriage would no longer symbolize society’s commitment to the future: our children. Rather, marriage would symbolize a commitment to the present needs and desires of adults.

Isn’t the Church discriminating against homosexual persons by opposing same sex unions?

No. Christians must give witness to the whole truth and, therefore, oppose as immoral both homosexual acts and unjust discrimination against homosexual persons.

It is not unjust to deny legal status to same-sex unions because marriage and same-sex unions are essentially different realities. In fact, justice requires society to do so.

The legal recognition of marriage, including benefits associated with it, is not only about personal commitment, but also about the social commitment that husband and wife make to the well-being of society. It would be wrong to redefine marriage for the sake of providing benefits to those who cannot rightfully enter into marriage. It should be noted that some benefits currently sought by persons in homosexual unions can already be obtained without regard to marital status. For example, individuals can agree to own property jointly, and they can generally designate anyone they choose to be a beneficiary of their will or to make health care decisions in case they become incompetent.

Where can I learn more about this issue?

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has launched an Initiative called “Marriage: Unique for a Reason.” Its purpose is to help educate and catechize Catholics on the meaning of marriage as the union of one man and one woman. Resources, including videos and catechetical materials, are available on the website.

RESOURCES:

Between Man and Woman: Questions and Answers About Marriage and Same-Sex Unions is a 2003 statement by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

Other statements by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops and the Vatican are available here.

The Massachusetts Catholic Conference has much information about this topic on its website.