Author Archives: Robert Fletcher

About Robert Fletcher

I am the Senior Web Developer at Crosby Marketing.

Two Great Feasts: All Saints and All Souls

On the first two days of November each year, the Church commemorates two linked feast days: All Saints (November 1) and All Souls (November 2). All Saints is easy to understand: We remember all those who have lived lives of heroic holiness, whether the Church has canonized them or not. On All Souls, we remember all those who have died, not just the spiritual superstars.

From the earliest days the church has prayed for the deceased. Their judgment is in the hands of God, and we trust in God’s mercy. But we also believe the God cares about us and our concerns, so prayers for our deceased loved ones are appropriate.

The feast day itself is rooted in the second century. In the 10th century, St. Odilo of Cliny established a memorial of all the faithful departed. Rome added the feast to the church’s calendar in the 13th century. In many parts of the world the celebration of this feast day is marked with particular energy, such as el Dia del los Muertos in Mexico.

It’s appropriate to commemorate All Souls Day by praying for those who have gone before us in faith. Some people also visit the graves of their loved ones to pray for them.

The feast of All Souls reminds us of our mortality. We are all finite, mortal creatures. We are all loved by God, who has endowed us with an immortal soul. Our ultimate destiny lies in God’s hands, and even death does not separate us from his love.

Interview with Three Catholics Working To End Domestic Violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. To put a “face” to what can be done to combat domestic violence, For Your Marriage interviewed three Catholics who are working to raise awareness about domestic violence, to help victims and abusers, and ultimately to build a culture of peace where the family is a safe place for men, women, and children.

The three people interviewed are:

  • Sharon O’Brien, PhD, Archdiocese of Washington DC. Sharon is a Family Violence Research Consultant and is also the co-founder of the Catholic lay ministry Catholics for Family Peace.
  • Fr. Chuck W. Dahm, O.P., Archdiocese of Chicago. Fr. Dahm is the director of Domestic Violence Outreach for the Archdiocese of Chicago.
  • Dennis Butler, SPHR (Senior Professional in Human Resources), Diocese of Paterson, NJ. Dennis is the Chief Human Resources and Compliance Officer for the diocese and is also a member of the organizing committee for Catholics for Family Peace.

Please tell our readers about your work as it relates to domestic violence.

Sharon: I am an independent Family Violence Research Consultant. In 2003, I completed my graduate work in Human Development on the topic of family violence. Since then, I have worked on research projects, am a journal reviewer, write and am a speaker and trainer on how faith communities can respond effectively to domestic abuse. Most of my work has been with interfaith or faith specific boards which address the issue. Since 2010, I’ve worked with a group of other Catholics to create the lay ministry Catholics for Family Peace.

Fr. Dahm: I preach in parishes and then develop a ministry committee to raise awareness about domestic violence (DV) and to train staff and parishioners to be sensitive in receiving victims and finding resources to help them.

Dennis: As a Human Resources professional, my work in domestic violence/abuse has focused on recognizing the impact of domestic violence in the workplace. This impact ranges from the very “human” impact on the victims and their co-workers to the more “business” related impact on productivity, safety and medical costs. I have worked to educate business leaders and others to understand that domestic violence is not just a personal matter in which we should not be involved; rather it has a profound impact on our ability to get our jobs done, and everyone needs to see it exists, name it for what it is, and respond appropriately when it occurs.

Working for the Church, this role has expanded to include understanding and educating others about the impact on not just the ministerial workplace but on ministry itself.

How long have you been working with the issue of domestic violence, and what inspired you to work in this field?

Sharon: I’ve been in the field for about 10 years. I had wanted to study the role of forgiveness so I always say that God inspired me to focus on domestic abuse – I would not have thought of it myself! I am inspired to stay in the field by my interfaith colleagues. I want to help create for the Catholic community what some other faith communities have – an entity where clergy and pastoral care workers can seek training and guidance on the topic and where parishioners can get solid information on Catholic teaching about preventing domestic abuse and promoting family peace.

Fr. Dahm: For 17 years. I hired a pastoral counselor who opened my eyes to DV in our parish.

Dennis: I began working in Domestic Violence in 2002 at Liz Claiborne, my former employer. Liz had been involved in DV awareness and education for many years as the focus of their cause marketing program. As the head of employee relations, I faced a situation which I wasn’t sure how to handle. I had received a phone call from one of the other HR professionals seeking help for an employee. She described a woman who was very talented and considered a “rising star” who had just been promoted. She was concerned because recently there had been problems with her work, she was calling out sick a lot, and she was very curt with her co-workers. She had lost a lot of weight (only weighed 77 lbs.!) and had told the HR professional that her husband beats her. My colleague asked me what she should do. Although I had been working in Human Resources for many years, I didn’t know what to tell her.

I then started my own education and awareness efforts as I helped develop and implement a DV program that focused on the impact in the workplace. By the time I left Liz 7 years later, I had managed the workplace response to over 150 DV incidents affecting the workplace ranging from fairly routine performance issues to the murder of one of our employees by the father of her children.

I have continued this work in my position at the Diocese by establishing workplace policies and protocols and establishing a DV response team to address the issues as they occur in the ministerial workplace. I have also continued my efforts to educate others as part of the organizing committee for Catholics for Family Peace, the government agencies and the Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence.

What do you wish the average “Catholic in the pew” knew about domestic violence?

Sharon: Oh, so many things! But three primary points:

a. Abuse and violence can and does happen in “good Catholic families”. It is an equal opportunity destroyer across faiths, race, and socioeconomic classes.

b. It is not “Catholic” to be abusive and violent nor is it “Catholic” to accept abuse and violence in the family. Abuse is based on an erroneous set of beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors, all of which can be changed.

c. Whether one is the abuser, the abused, or the child witnessing the abuse, I would like them to know that God loves them, does not want them to suffer or cause suffering, and has not abandoned them – they can ask Him specifically for guidance as to the next right step.

Fr. Dahm: It is all around us, much too common and unseen. As the bishops have written, “No one is expected to stay in an abusive marriage.” A husband or wife who is being abused should know that they can physically separate from their spouse for the sake of their safety and their children’s safety.

Dennis: Ideally, every “Catholic in the pew” needs to know three basic things about domestic violence. They need to: RECOGNIZE the signs of domestic violence in themselves and others which can be both physical and psychological; RESPOND appropriately by being supportive, sympathetic and non-judgmental, but not acting as a counselor or rescuer; and REFER them to someone qualified to help them act safely and appropriately by giving them the telephone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233)) or a local domestic violence agency.

What can Catholic families do to help prevent domestic violence, to help those who are in abusive situations, or to help build a culture of peace?

Sharon: It is imperative to know that we may be God’s answer to someone’s search for help! We (Catholics for Family Peace) recommend the R3 approach – recognize, respond, and refer. There is a free app which explains the core of it. In essence, recognize abusive behaviors: we recommend the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) website for information. Respond to people with the heart of Jesus: listen and believe; they may be telling you of deep pain and trauma. Refer: know the number of the NDVH so you can share it when appropriate.

It is so important to get informed and to reflect God’s love to each other. Survivors tell us all the time that the thing that helped them seek help was someone reflecting their worth as a person. It could have been an expression of concern, an encouraging word, or a factual statement about how well they did something. I love the story of an abused wife with a large family who realized for the first time that Catholics cared when she saw the When I Call for Help resource card in her church’s restroom. It was the first time she had an inkling that she was not the only Catholic woman to experience domestic abuse. How simple is it to keep resource cards in the church restrooms?

I do have three specific points:

a. Pray each day for all those touched by domestic abuse that they may seek God’s wisdom and strength to take the next step to experiencing peace.

b. Memorize the National Domestic Violence Hotline number so you can share it with someone in need. It is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Also, check out their website for much useful information.

c. Learn to practice personal peacemaking behaviors. Abuse is more than physical. It includes the emotional and psychological ways we use to hurt each other, leaving deep wounds. I recommend highly that people check out any of the various 12 step programs as a way to learn peaceful responses and in the process learn to prevent abuse and violence. There are about 25 different types of 12 step programs. They are free, anonymous, and are deeply rooted in our spiritual tradition of depending upon God for wisdom and direction. For anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family (immediate or extended), I recommend they visit six meetings of an Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) Group to see if it helps them to practice peacemaking behaviors. It might be God’s answer on how to find a solution.

Fr. Dahm: Parents must instill self-esteem in their children and help them realize that they should never allow anyone, even a loved one, to abuse them in any way. They need to communicate to anyone they know that they do not have to stay in an abusive relationship.

Dennis: Catholics can prevent domestic violence by creating awareness in themselves, their children and their families that abuse, whether physical or psychological, is never acceptable. To help the abused, it is important that once they see signs of an abusive relationship, they respond empathetically and in a non-judgmental way. They should not act as counselors or “take sides”; rather, they should refer them to someone who can help through either the National DV Hotline (800.799.SAFE (7233) or www.ndvh.org), a local Domestic Violence agency or a member of the clergy. To build a culture of peace, Catholics must speak to their children early so they understand violence in any form is not acceptable in any relationship, whether on the school playground, in a dating relationship or in a marriage. Victims and abusers must know help is available to break the cycle of violence.

What aspect of the USCCB statement “When I Call for Help” has been most helpful for your work?

Sharon: I like every word of it and my personal copy is all marked up. I find that the line that astonishes and helps people the most is on page 1: “The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promise.” I think this is so helpful because there is confusion about what things we should “offer up as suffering” and what the marriage promise of “better or worse” means. The Bishops have made it clear that abuse and violence in a marriage needs to be addressed.

Fr. Dahm: The quote mentioned above (in question 3).

Dennis: Overall the USCCB’s statement “When I Call for Help” gives an excellent overview of what domestic violence is and makes it clear that “violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form— physical, sexual, psychological or verbal—is sinful; often it is a crime as well.” Even more important, however, is that the statement makes it clear that contrary to what many may have misconstrued, the Bible is never to be used to support the concept that domestic violence is acceptable, even if addressing it means that a husband or wife seeks a separation from their spouse, or even a civil divorce and annulment in certain cases.

What is on your “wish list” in regards to the Church’s response to domestic violence?

Sharon: For a book chapter, I outlined how 18 different religions address domestic violence. Thus, I say with confidence that the USCCB wrote and endorsed a comprehensive and compassionate pastoral letter, When I Call for Help. My three wishes are all related to this excellent statement. They are for:

a. Clergy and pastoral staff to read and integrate the pastoral statement, When I Call for Help, into their work. They can find it, homilies, and other resources on our website at Catholics for Family Peace.

b. Each parish to ensure that some entity is responsible for promoting the suggestions, on an ongoing basis, as presented in When I Call for Help. For example, a Wellness Committee, the Young Adult Ministry or the Women and Men’s Groups in the parish would be appropriate groups.

c. Parishes to post flyers and information about healthy relationships. Free downloadable materials are available from our website, Catholics for Family Peace (www.catholicsforfamilypeace.org).

Fr. Dahm: Bishops need to speak about this and urge clergy to preach on it at least once a year. Seminarians must be taught about how to recognize DV and respond. Family ministries need to include DV in marriage preparation and other services. Catholic Charities must prepare their counselors in DV counseling. Catholic Charities should have a specific program for DV.Catholic Schools should teach about DV. DREs and principals need to be trained in DV so they can teach their teachers and catechists how to recognize and respond. DV needs to be a topic of a clergy meeting at least once every 5 years.

Dennis: My wish list for the Church on domestic violence is that pastors, priests and Catholic leaders speak out on this important issue on a regular and continuing basis. This should be done from the pulpit, in family life programs and in our Catholic schools. In speaking out they need to help all Catholics, from our youth to our elderly, to recognize the signs of relationship abuse in themselves, their fellow parishioners and students, to respond appropriately to assure the safety of the abused on a basis consistent with Catholic teaching, and to refer the abused and the abusers to get the help they need. They should also encourage praying for those who suffer and cause abuse and for the end of all forms of domestic violence and abuse.

Married Saints: Sts. Louis & Zelie Martin

St. Louis: August 22, 1823 – July 29, 1894
St. Zelie: December 23, 1831 – August 28, 1877
Feast Day: July 12
Patronage: Illness, Marriage, Parenting, Widowers

This couple is best known as the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux (the Little Flower), but they are models of holiness in their own right. They are only the second married couple to be canonized.

Louis was born in 1823 in Bordeaux. When his hope of entering religious life was thwarted he became a watchmaker. Zelie Guerin was born in 1831. She, too, hoped to become a religious, but eventually understood that it was not God’s will. She became a successful lace-maker.

Louis and Zelie met in Alencon and were married in 1858 after a three-month courtship. For almost a year the couple lived as celibates, but the advice of a confessor changed their minds and they decided to raise as many children as possible for the glory of God. Zelie gave birth to nine children, five of whom entered religious life.

The family lived a comfortable lifestyle, but they also suffered the loss of four children at an early age and had to deal with a rebellious daughter. Their devotion never wavered, however. The couple lived modestly, reached out to the poor and the needy, and led daily prayers in the household. St. Therese would later write: “God gave me a father and a mother who were more worthy of heaven than of earth.”

In 1877, at age 45, Zelie Martin died of breast cancer. Louis and his daughters moved to Lisieux. Gradually his daughters left to enter the convent. Despite his loneliness he said: “It is a great, great honor for me that the Good Lord desires to take all of my children. If I had anything better, I would not hesitate to offer it to him.” Louis died in 1894 after suffering greatly, including a three-year stay in a psychiatric hospital.

Louis and Zelie Martin were beatified by Pope Benedict XVI in 2008 and canonized by Pope Francis in 2015. Their feast day is July 12, though a liturgical celebration in their honor is not included in the current General Roman Calendar.

Sts. Louis and Zelie, pray for us.

For further reflection:

  • Read Call to a Deeper Love: The Family Correspondence of the Parents of Saint Therese of the Child Jesus (1864-1885)
  • Pray a novena to Sts. Louis and Zelie Martin

Life Matters: Explaining the Reality of Marriage to Family And Friends

The following is the full text of a pamphlet from the 2013-2014 Respect Life Program. See all seven pamphlets here.

The true meaning and purpose of marriage has become clouded over the last 40 years. This confusion has influenced why and whether young people marry. While we understand marriage as a sacrament, it’s critical we learn to use non-religious language to explain it to our children and friends in ways that properly convey its truth and beauty.

Polls show most people think marriage is merely the recognition of a committed loving relationship principally for the benefit of the spouses. However, marriage is much more. Responsible negative influences include no-fault divorce, which makes marriage conditional on the happiness and fulfillment of adults and the separation of sex from procreation and marriage.

The breakdown of marriage has reached crisis mode. Today more than 50 percent of births to women under 30 occur outside marriage. According to sociologists, the increased numbers of children in poverty, in fatherless homes, and who experience abuse and neglect all relate to changing attitudes about marriage. The phenomenon of the breakdown of marriage has spread rapidly into the segment known as Middle America and is now touching nearly every extended family.

Efforts to reverse these current trends should be an imperative of social justice for every citizen, and a primary concern of every parent. Who would choose that their grandchildren should be deprived of mothers and fathers united in marriage, or that their own children should grow up to be single parents?

Rebuilding a Christian culture – and in this case, a marriage culture – does not start with judging others but with our own conversion. Conversion is a journey, not a destination. That journey is essential to the New Evangelization and the reason Pope Benedict XVI declared the Year of Faith. To evangelize the culture, starting in our own families, it is crucial to study and transmit the teachings of the Church about love, marriage, and sexuality to our children, but to also present them in non-religious terms that reveal their truth, beauty and goodness. No matter how well they know the Catechism, young people are vulnerable to accepting conflicting ideas that seem reasonable and appealing.

Many now only accept Church teaching that correlates with their own experience. Building a deeper faith and increasing confidence requires testing and verifying what she teaches.1

Verifying the Reality of Marriage

Remember, things aren’t true because they are in the Catechism. They are in the Catechism because they are first true. Church teaching does not create reality; it gives us a deeper understanding of it. Marriage as an integral part of God’s plan for creation is a reality that can be verified without the benefit of revelation.

“Father… for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike,” Jesus said (Lk 10:21). Looking at marriage from the perspective of the child within us reveals its truth.

The child has the right to be … brought up within marriage: it is through the secure and recognized relationship to his own parents that the child can discover his own identity and achieve his own proper human development. The parents find in their child . . . the permanent sign of their conjugal union, the living and indissoluble concrete expression of their paternity and maternity. (Donum Vitae, no. 1)

Why do adopted people wonder about their biological origins, or children created from sperm donors search out the person who engendered them, as well as their half-siblings? Rather than merely biological artifacts, moms, dads and siblings are part of our identity. Every person has a right to be part of a family, to be born to a mother and father united in marriage.2 Our own experience informs us. We all have a desire to know, be connected with, and loved by our own mother and father regardless of our relationship with them. This experience of God’s plan for creation has been stamped into our very nature.

Marriage Defined

Due to the confusion about marriage today, many struggle with expressing marriage so that its truth and goodness are evident. This is what marriage is and does:

Marriage unites a man and a woman with each other and any children born from their union.

This fact can only be recognized and not changed (Catechism §1601-1603). It expresses procreation, complementarity, motherhood and fatherhood, irreplaceability, kinship, and the good of the spouses and children. It even includes the potential for the heartbreak of infertility. Not every married man and woman has children, but every child has a mother and father.

This reveals why marriage has been recognized by every culture, society, and religion, each within its own sphere of interest or knowledge. In law, marriage creates the sole civil institution that unites children with their mothers and fathers and provides the only authority to promote it for the common good. The Church provides a deeper understanding of this same reality which was elevated to a sacrament by Christ’s total self-gift to us on the cross, and by the understanding of His relationship with His bride, the Church.

The Beauty of Marriage Revealed

In marriage, a man and woman freely choose to become irreplaceable to each other. This choice prepares them to receive the gift of a new life that has the same value and dignity as their own. The child is irreplaceable to them and both are irreplaceable to the child. Marriage begins the circle of irreplaceability we call the family.

The same is true for adoption. Marriage prepares the man and woman to receive that child into their circle of irreplaceability, permanently substituting for the mother and father the child lost.

When considered through the eyes of the child, marriage is beautiful. To rebuild a marriage culture, the truth about marriage must be restored and promoted so that more men and women choose to enter into the marital union as the foundation for their families.

As an imperative of social justice, public policy, education, entertainment and media all need to promote the importance of men and women marrying before having children.

More resources

About the Author
William B. May is author of Getting the Marriage Conversation Right, a Guide for Effective Dialogue and President of Catholics for the Common Good, an apostolate for evangelization of culture (www.ccgaction.org).

Notes
[1] Dwight Longenecker, “The Risk of Faith,” The Veritas Series (New Haven, CT: Knights of Columbus Supreme Council, 2008),http://www.kofc.org/un/en/resources/cis/cis332.pdf (accessed May 17, 2013).
[2] Donum Vitae (Instruction on Respect for Human Life in its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation), Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (1987).

About the document
Reprinted with permission from:

Secretariat of Pro-Life Activities
United States Conference of Catholic Bishops
3211 Fourth Street NE • Washington, DC 20017-1194
Tel: (202) 541-3070 • Fax: (202) 541-3054
Website: www.usccb.org/prolife

Copyright © 2013, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, Washington, D.C.

Married Saint: Bl. Frédéric Ozanam

Born: April 23, 1813
Died: September 8, 1853
Feast Day: September 9
Patronage: Society of St. Vincent de Paul

Frédéric Ozanam was born on April 23, 1813 in Milan to Jean and Marie Ozanam. He was the fifth child of fourteen, but one of only three children who would live to adulthood.

During his teenage years, Ozanam experienced a time of great doubts about the Catholic faith he had been raised in. He turned to reading and prayer, neither of which seemed to help, but found great clarity in long discussions with Fr. Noirot, a priest and professor at Lyons College. The challenge to live out the faith captivated him. He said, “Let us not talk so much about charity! Instead we ought to practice it and really help the poor!”

In 1831, Ozanam left for Paris to begin his studies in law at the University of the Sorbonne. During his time at the Sorbonne, Ozanam organized a discussion club for students to debate the issues of the day. During one of these meetings, a member of the club challenged him to demonstrate his faith in a way other than words, to prove that the faith Ozanam spoke highly of was alive in him.

Struck by this challenge, Ozanam and a few of his friends met and founded the “Conference of Charity” to assist the poor in Paris. This organization was the beginning of the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, which today provides direct services to the poor in 148 countries.

Ozanam graduated from the Sorbonne in 1836 and went on to teach and practice law, also pursuing a degree in literature. the Society continued to grow and spread throughout Europe, with dozens of chapters forming in Paris and around the continent.

Frédéric knew that he wanted to marry. In his humility he prayed that his future wife would be “a pure soul, quite different from me.” On June 23, 1841 he married Amelie Soulacroix. Before the wedding he wrote to her: “I give you the will of a man, an upright and honest will, the will to be good so as to make you happy.” In remembrance of their wedding, he gave his wife a bouquet of flowers on the 23rd of each month. After two miscarriages, they were blessed with a daughter, Marie, in 1845.

In 1848 another revolution broke out in France and the government asked Ozanam’s organization to supervise government aid to the poor. Frédéric became an outspoken proponent of Christian democracy; he also started a newspaper dedicated to securing justice for the poor and the working classes. Fellow Catholics often took issue with his political stands.

Poor health forced Frédéric to resign his professorate. He died on September 8, 1853 in Marseilles at the age of 40.

In his homily for the beatification of Frédéric Ozanam in 1997, Pope St. John Paul II said:

Frédéric Ozanam believed in love, the love of God for every individual. He felt himself called to love, giving the example of a great love for God and others. He went to all those who needed to be loved more than others, those to whom the love of God could not be revealed effectively except through the love of another person. There Ozanam discovered his vocation, the path to which Christ called him. He found his road to sanctity. And he followed it with determination… Today the Church confirms the kind of Christian life which Ozanam chose, as well as the path which he undertook. She tells him: Frédéric, your path has truly been the path of holiness.

Blessed Frédéric Ozanam, pray for us. 

Married Saint: St. Jane Frances de Chantal

Jane de Chantal (large, color)Born: January 28, 1572
Died: December 13, 1641
Feast Day: August 12
Patronage: forgotten people, in-law problems, loss of parents, parents separated from children, widows

St. Jane Frances de Chantal is probably best known for her great spiritual friendship with St. Francis de Sales, with whom she founded the Visitation sisters. Before that, however, St. Jane was a happily married wife and mother who successfully ran a large estate.

St. Jane was born in Dijon, France in 1572. At age 21 she married Christopher, the baron de Chantal. She bore six children, four of whom survived past infancy. She and her husband enjoyed a happy marriage. A witness during her canonization stated: “These two spouses provided a model of a genuinely holy marriage. They had between them one heart and one soul.”

Tragically, after nine years of marriage Christopher was killed in a hunting accident. Before he died, Christopher forgave the man who shot him. Jane, however, struggled for a long time. She was finally able to forgive the man and even became godmother to his child.

Jane and her children moved in with her father-in-law, who humiliated and terrorized the young widow for seven years. She endured patiently, even helping to raise his four illegitimate children.

In 1604 Jane’s life changed dramatically when she heard St. Francis, Bishop of Geneva, preach a series of Lenten sermons. The two began a friendship that quickly bore fruit. In 1610 they started the Congregation of the Visitation, a religious order for women who could not endure the austerities of traditional orders. The Visitandines flourished and exist to this day in countries around the world.

Jane died in 1641 and was canonized in 1767. Her feast day is celebrated on August 12.

St. Jane Frances de Chantal, pray for us. 

The Exchange of Consent

The exchange of consent – often called the marriage vows – is at the heart of the Catholic wedding ceremony. As the Catechism of the Catholic Church says, the consent exchanged between bride and groom “is the indispensable element that ‘makes the marriage’” (no. 1626). Without consent, there is no marriage. The consent is part of every Catholic wedding ceremony, whether it takes place within Mass, without Mass, or between a Catholic and unbaptized person. It takes place after the Questions Before Consent and before the Blessing and Giving of Rings.

The words of consent provide rich reflection both for couples preparing for marriage and those married for years. Pope Francis wrote in Amoris Laetitia that the words of consent “cannot be reduced to the present; they involve a totality that includes the future: ‘until death do us part’” (no. 214). By promising in the presence of God and the Church to love each other faithfully for the rest of their lives, bride and groom form an unbreakable covenant.

The Consent

The bride and groom declare their consent using one of the following formulas:

Option #1. I (name) take you (name) to be my wife/husband. I promise to be faithful to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love you and to honor you all the days of my life.

Option #2. I (name) take you (name) for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.

Or, the bride and groom may use one of the following formulas in which each answers I do after the priest or deacon poses the question.

Option #3. (Name), do you take (name) to be your wife/husband? Do you promise to be faithful to her/him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love her/him and to honor her/him all the days of your life? I do.

Option #4. (Name), do you take (name) for your lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part? I do.

Excerpts from the English translation of The Order of Celebrating Matrimony © 2013, International Commission on English in the Liturgy Corporation (ICEL). Used with permission. All rights reserved.

Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding

This video resource, produced by the USCCB Secretariat of Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth, walks you through the Rite of Marriage, whether you’re marrying another Catholic, a baptized person who is not Catholic, or someone who is not baptized. It also answers several FAQs about Catholic weddings. Ideal for engaged couples, their families and anyone who is involved in Catholic marriage preparation.

Intercultural Marriage: Making It Work

When nurses call out Becky Wang’s name in waiting rooms of doctors’ offices, they usually get a confused look when she stands up.

“I can tell they are looking for someone Asian and when they see me they have to re-shift their thoughts,” she said. Her husband, Dennis, is Chinese American, and she is from a white family. “A lot of people assume you are a matched set. They don’t expect me to be Caucasian.”

The occasional confused look is the least of the challenges faced by couples in interracial and intercultural marriages. Being raised in different cultures means couples have to negotiate different communication patterns, agree on what they want for their mixed-race children, and learn to accept new traditions.

Marriages between partners of different races are happening more and more often. The rate of interracial marriages increased by 28 percent in the last decade, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. That number will only continue to increase as minority populations come to outnumber the white majority in America in the next 30 years, as projected by the Census.

Just like any marriage, however, the thing that binds interracial couples together, and what helps them bridge the divides they face, is having the same values and shared vision of life. “Despite having different families of origin, our values are aligned,” Becky said. “Our priorities all align despite our different upbringings and heritage. That’s what makes it work.”

The Cultural Divide

When a white person marries a person of color, they step into a new world. Their spouse knows how to navigate both the culture of their own race as well as the mainstream majority culture in America. For a while person who has only known that majority culture, it can be eye-opening to see things from a new perspective.

For example, Christa Burson grew up in a white family who ran a buffalo ranch in rural Minnesota. She married Mike, who grew up in an African American family in Chicago, and the two liken their story to the country mouse meeting the city mouse.

“When Mike and I got married, I knew some of his background, but I didn’t know the depth of it,” Christa said. “I was a little naïve at first, thinking that his background was a thing of the past, that we were starting something new. I thought, ‘I’m not racist, so it won’t be an issue.’”

Mike explained that his family has experienced some of the unique challenges faced by many people of color in America, from lower socioeconomic status and education levels to housing trouble. His mother struggled with finding housing and consistent work, his father was struck with a disability and now lives in a nursing home, and his sister suffers from a mental illness.

“Christa didn’t expect the level of challenges my family would present,” he said. “Her family of origin is intact with loving, stable relationships. They are college-educated and have two jobs. They just don’t have the same level of stress.”

Christa had to take on these realities as part of her own story, now that she had tied her life to Mike’s—they were not part of her experience before. “I didn’t understand the depth of what we were getting into,” she said. “I had to learn to accept it—that this is my life and that this is our marriage. I had to grow up.

“I never really thought that these things would be my issues, and they definitely are my issues,” she said. “But that is the beautiful thing about marriage—you don’t know where it will take you. It was kind of a leap with our different family dynamics.”

Pulled from Both Directions

When a person of color marries a white person, they do not enter a whole new world, but that is not to say that they get no pressure. They often feel a pull back to the culture of their family of origin.

“My mom worried that I would forget about her if I didn’t marry a Latina,” said Jesse Herrera, who married Emily, a white woman. Extended family is an essential value for Mexican Americans, he explained. Marrying a white person means losing some of those customs that would have bonded his new family with his extended family. His daughter, for example, probably will not celebrate a quinceañera, the ritualized celebration of a girl’s 15th birthday, when she reaches that age.

“My kids won’t know Spanish nearly to the extent that I would like them to simply because no one is speaking Spanish to them day in and day out like my parents did to me,” he said.

The Language Barrier

For couples who have families who speak different languages, communication itself can be a challenge. Emily’s family is white, and Jesse’s parents speak very little English, so when the couple spends time with his extended family, Spanish is the language everyone converses in.

Emily studied in France for a year, so she knows what it feels like to be displaced culturally, but missing whole conversations feels different, she said. “I know how to be open and flexible to different attitudes and cultures, but not being able to understand the conversation is difficult.”

Becky Wang relies on actions when words fail her in relating to her Chinese mother-in-law, who does not speak much English. “I may not be able to get to know her in a depth of what her life experiences have been, but what I can do is show my love and respect to her as an elder, as the mother of my husband, and grandmother to our kids,” she said. “Mostly what helps is knowing that she has the best intentions at heart for me and our family. This is maybe too simplistic, but short of learning Chinese, it is the best that I have come up with.”

Becky has the same experience as Emily when she is with Dennis’ family—everyone speaks Chinese, and she finds herself on the outside. “You can’t get bothered about not understanding what everyone says all the time,” she said. She focuses on the tone of the conversation, and she inquires about what they are saying. “I’m not afraid to ask what everyone is talking about,” she said.

How to Make it Work

For Mike and Christa Burson, it was important to find other interracial couples with whom they could socialize, and a place to worship in which people of color are not severely outnumbered. “We can connect on a deeper level with other couples who understand our level of challenge,” Mike said. “I learn a lot by example—seeing other people move through life. Older couples who have been married for decades, especially. We watch how they relate. How they navigate life is valuable.”

And, of course, as with anything else in marriage, communication is the key. “Interracial marriages have an added onus to communicate because there is less that we share culturally,” Mike said. “Our experiences are different, so we need to get good at communicating pretty fast or things break down.”

For couples preparing for marriage, Christa encourages spending time with each other’s families. When they were engaged, she would make weekend trips to Chicago to spend time with Mike’s family, but “you can hide a lot on a weekend visit,” she said. “When you are married, the issues emerge quickly. We were thrown into the deep end pretty fast. Spending more time with his family wouldn’t have changed my mind, but it would have given me more background going into it.”

The Good News

The good news about interracial marriage is that every couple has to negotiate differences in their families of origin, no matter their heritage. Spouses of different races simply have cultural distinctions as part of their journey. And those distinctions are not always only a disadvantage.

“Being in a mixed-race marriage makes me more open-minded,” said Emily Herrera. “I have to put my own thoughts and presumptions on the back-burner when I’m around his family. It pushes me to be more flexible and patient. When things are happening in the family, I have to wait to understand their customs and traditions.

Mike Burson agrees. “Interracial couples are under certain levels of stress, but it has been incredibly encouraging and uplifting. We’ve learned to love each other and listen and support each other,” he said. “There are always hardships. Hard things bind you together. Our love is being forged in these fires—we’re proud of that.”

The bottom line is not the color of skin in a marriage, according to Deacon Harold Burke Sivers, an international speaker and author on family life and spirituality. He says that every couple, regardless of their cultural heritage, should ask themselves this question: “Is this person the one God has put in your life to help you get to heaven, no matter what color you are?”

He is in an interracial marriage himself (his family is from Barbados and his wife is white) and he has been ordained a deacon for 10 years. Among his responsibilities is the task of preparing couples for marriage. “I’ve had couples come to me for all kinds of things,” he said. “No one has come to me with concerns about race. It is all about the usual things: money, sex, kids—those kinds of issues. Never has someone come to me and say, ‘Our race is an issue.’

“Those cultural differences enhance marriage by bringing a new level of richness and beauty and tradition,” he said. “Even though they come from different cultures, if the important things in life are the same, they can transcend those differences.”

Married Saint: Bl. Franz Jagerstatter

Born: May 20, 1907
Died: August 9, 1943
Feast Day: May 21
Patronage:  Conscientious objectors

The Second World War produced several saints; one of them was Blessed Franz Jagerstatter, husband, father and Austrian conscientious objector.

Franz was born on May 20, 1907 in Upper Austria. He gained a reputation for wildness while growing up—he was the first in his village to own a motorcycle—and fathered a daughter out of wedlock. His marriage to a deeply religious woman in 1936 settled him down and encouraged his growth in the faith. He and his wife had three daughters.

Although not involved with any political organization, Franz became increasingly anti-Nazi. In 1938 he was the only citizen to vote against the Anschluss, the annexation of Austria by Germany. He became convinced that participation in the war was a serious sin. Called to active duty in 1943 he announced his conscientious objection. He was subsequently tried and executed by guillotine on August 9 at age 36.

In 2007 Pope Benedict XVI declared Franz Jagerstatter a martyr. He was beatified on October 26, 2007 and his feast day is May 21.

Bl. Franz Jagerstatter, pray for us.