Author Archives: foryourmarriage

New Year’s Resolutions for Couples

What can you do for your marriage in 2018? Try making a New Year’s resolution to improve your relationship. Here are some ideas to get started:

“Adopt” a patron saint for the coming year to intercede for you and your family. Throughout the year, read a biography about him or her, attend Mass together on the saint’s feast day, and find litanies, novenas, and other prayers to pray together.

Make a “spiritual New Year’s resolution” together. Choose one thing to stick to through this year as a family: monthly Confession, praying the Liturgy of the Hours, First Friday Adoration, etc. For some suggestions on praying as a family, check out this article.

Take turns selecting a favorite Scripture passage to pray about each week. Share your reflections with each other.

If you don’t already eat dinner together as a family, try to commit to one night (or more) each week to eat together.

Subscribe to For Your Marriage’s daily marriage tips.

Draw up your 2018 household budget together. Discuss spending priorities, including charitable donations.

Set up a prayer intention board in a common space in your home. Pray together each night for one another’s intentions.

Start saving up for a vacation later in the year, or even a “staycation”. Start planning now to take time off of work to devote to your spouse and kids. It needn’t be extravagant to foster quality time and relaxation.

Is there anything that is causing strain in your marriage? Lack of communication, long job hours, technology dependence, unforgiven hurts? Take time in the new year to make concrete steps toward reconciliation and growth.

Resolve to do a weekly act of love or service for your spouse – a hidden sacrifice, a little surprise, an unprompted chore or errand.

Schedule several “Date Nights” for each month of the year.

Resolve to read at least one book on how to strengthen your relationship. Unsure where to start? Browse through the archived book reviews.

While it’s important to strengthen the marriage relationship, marriage is also a sacrament of service. It’s true that marriage benefits the couple, but it’s also good for their family, community, and the Church. Resolve to do at least one service activity this year, as a family or a couple. Perhaps it’s bringing canned goods to the local food pantry on a regular basis or helping out with a parish fundraising project.

How To Make Christmas About Christmas

I wish I could say these were my ideas but I can’t. Although I don’t remember where I read them, I vividly recall how one brief article transformed the Christmas season in our home.

About 23 years ago, our oldest was six and we were expecting our fourth son. The holidays were approaching and I was thinking back to the previous four Christmases, when Santa and Jesus got just about “equal billing” in our home. As young parents, we were establishing family traditions and Christmas definitely needed improvement.

Previously, as soon as Thanksgiving was over, I’d decorate our home and start drumming up excitement about the upcoming arrival of Santa. When the Christmas catalogues arrived with oodles of toys, I’d share them with the boys. It would keep them entertained for hours!

I wanted this year to be different and to bring the celebration of Jesus’s birth and the joy of giving to the forefront of our Christmas season. So, I did what I always do when I need help. I prayed and read.

That’s when I found the article. It was a gift with perfect timing and it said this: “As soon as the Christmas catalogues are delivered to your house put them away so they are not accessible to the kids. (Good-bye free babysitter!) Don’t focus on Santa and the fact that he is going to bring presents. Santa will be relentlessly drilled into your kids. They’ll see and hear about him everywhere. Consider it all good and part of the season. Don’t criticize it. Just don’t feed it.”

That was it! I realized the kids were taking my lead and I was determined to change course. One day a few weeks before Christmas, I told the boys to write Santa their letter. They wrote it, mailed it and that was it. (In the past, we actually sent Santa revised editions!)

When the subject of Santa came up, we talked about him,but without me fueling the “Santa Fervor” the boys did not focus on what they were going to “get” for Christmas.

The article suggested we play Christmas music in our home and go caroling with the neighborhood kids. We did and our neighbors loved it. It suggested we invite our pastor over for dinner. We did and the kids wound up playing charades with him.

The most unique advice was to emphasize Joseph’s devotion to Mary and Jesus. This was especially lovely as it was likely we were raising four future husbands and fathers.

The article said to encourage generosity by giving the kids a dollar to place into the Salvation Army kettle. And when you bake, have the kids run a plate over to a neighbor. It said to help the kids identify and bring in a gift for a person, other than a teacher, who worked at their school.

The last recommendation was to “adopt a family” at school or church and go shopping with the kids as they picked out the specific gifts. (This idea continued all through high school. I loved watching our teenagers meticulously pick out gifts for people they would never meet.)

We tried every idea and the effect was immediate and quietly humbling. I’ve blundered through many areas of parenting while raising our four sons but since reading that article 23 years ago, Christmas has mostly been about Christmas.

The BeDADitudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad

Pope Francis has called Jesus’ Beatitudes our “guide on the path of Christian life.” Of course, as the Incarnation shows, God leads by example. In addition to being a call to Christian discipleship, the Beatitudes could be said to also reveal something about the ways God the Father relates to us, his children. Seen in this light, the Beatitudes present a unique opportunity for Christian men to become fathers after the Father’s own heart.

That’s why I wrote The BeDADitudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad, which looks at how the 8 Beatitudes can be understood to shed light on a uniquely Christian vision of masculinity, in general, and fatherhood, in particular.

Want to be an awesome dad? Here’s a sample of how the 8 Beatitudes can help you be the father God is calling you to be.

1. Blessed Are Dads Who Are Poor In Spirit

Seek to be a father after THE Father’s own heart.

Being a dad is on-the-job training. No one has it figured out. Don’t pretend YOU do. Go to God every day. Ask him to teach you to be the husband and father HE wants you to be, and the husband and father your wife and children NEED you to be.

2. Blessed Are The Dads Who Mourn

Be not afraid of feelings. Empathize with your family’s tears, fears, and struggles.

In Scripture, “mourning” doesn’t mean “be sad” so much as it means “cultivate a compassionate heart.” It is not your job to fix or feel judged by your wife’s or kids’ feelings. It is your job to be present to your wife and kids, to understand why they feel as they do, to show that you care, and to help them work through their feelings in godly ways

3. Blessed Are The Dads Who Are Meek

Meekness isn’t weakness. Cultivate the humble strength of a listening heart.

A real leader listens first. The father who is authentically meek is not afraid to hear what his wife and children really need from him and, when necessary, doesn’t hesitate to get new skills to meet those needs.

4. Blessed Are The Dads Who Hunger And Thirst For Righteousness

Awesome dads are on a mission from God. Live for Him. Lead your family to Him.

Research shows that when dads take the lead in prayer, faith formation, and character training, kids are exponentially more likely to live the Catholic faith and values as adults. Be the father that leads your family to THE Father.

5. Blessed Are The Dads Who Are Merciful

Be a loving mentor in your home. Don’t break hearts. Mold them.

Don’t be “The Punisher.” Be a mentor and teacher. Treat your children with respect. Don’t just yell or impose consequences when they mess up . Instead, teach them how to meet their needs and express themselves in good and godly ways.

6. Blessed Are the Dads Who Are Pure in Heart

Cherish the treasure of your wife and children. Protect their dignity. Affirm their worth.

Pope St. John Paul the Great taught that the opposite of love is use. Love makes people more people-y. Use makes people into things or tools. Of course, it’s important to avoid pornography and lustful behavior, both of which are tremendously objectifying, but purity of heart means avoiding all the ways we treat other people as objects. Don’t treat your wife or kids as the “things” that exist to make YOUR life easier. Set the standard for loving service in your home.

7. Blessed Are the Dads Who Are Peacemakers

Keep your house in order. Prioritize your family. Protect the heart of your home.

St. Augustine said, “Peace is the tranquility of right order.” Be the hands-on dad that makes sure your household is respectful, generous, and orderly.

8. Blessed Are the Dads Who Are Persecuted for the Sake Of Righteousness.

The world will try to undermine your effort to be an awesome dad. Be one anyway.

When your friends, family-of-origin, co-workers, or employers try to make you sacrifice what’s best for your family for what they want, choose your family and know that God the Father will honor your sacrifice.

To discover more great ideas for becoming a father after the Father’s heart, check out The BeDADitudes: 8 Ways to Be an Awesome Dad (AveMariaPress).

About the author
Dr. Greg Popcak is the author of many books and the host of More2Life Radio airing weekdays at 10am E on SiriusXM130. For more information on Catholic counseling and other resources, visit www.CatholicCounselors.com

Hope, Healing and Purpose After the Death of a Spouse

My first wife died in 1998 after a long illness. I was 41, widowed, and an only parent to two young boys. Now what? Many days I toiled with despair, hopelessness and questions. Many questions. St. Paul writes in Romans 8:28, “We know in everything God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.” To be honest, it’s hard to see the light when you’re in the thicket of grief. His purpose was not my purpose. But fifteen years later, through God’s grace, that has changed. The suffering we all went through has today revealed a beautiful ministry of hope, healing and purpose.

Below are portions from my memoir, The Greatest Gift-A Return to Hope.

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I wrote the vast majority of this book seven to eight years after Ann died. I think I needed some smooth waters to sail my boat on. I penned my words in, of all places, my dining room, on the same table Ann and I bought when we were first married. The same table she made things on, and at which the four of us enjoyed many great meals together.

As I wrote, things seemed to fall into my lap, like phone calls from old friends at just the right time with more descriptive views of what happened. I found writings that Ann made years ago and I think she’d hope they would find their way into print. It felt like all these years later, Ann was still orchestrating things.

We have all moved on now, the boys and I, and all who loved Ann. It’s what she wanted us to do and with her help, we have. You can’t go around grief, the circle brings you back. You march through it. Through the storms, sometimes crying with your head slung low off your shoulders, aching from your heels to your ears, and ironically, it’s the pain that gets you through the pain. Living it, owning it, allowing it to take up residence in you for a while, pouring out your tears to the moon on some bench in the middle of the night, your agonizing screams cutting through the thin cold air.

It’s the pain that gets you through the pain. You follow it. You feel it. It beats you down and builds you back up. It leaves you empty so you can be full again. Without this pain, you’re lost and numb, following a path that leads you back to the same bench and the same screams, slightly muted maybe, a different day, all else untouched.

Moving on doesn’t mean letting go. She’ll always be with me. I have relocated her now to an accepting part of my heart that comforts the memories and messages. She more than anyone has made me into the person I am today. I have merged back into traffic, the wind at my back, a smile on my face, and joy back in my heart. I feel lucky to have lived a good part of my life with her, and every time I look at my two handsome sons she comes back to me and reminds me of what we once had. That can never be taken away. That’s forever.

This journey took me to classrooms I would never have seen and taught me things I would never have known. I know now that the lessons are not in the hardships, they are choosing how to respond to them. I first learned how to grieve, and then I learned how to live. We are all faced with adversity in our lives, some more profound than others, but all these challenges we deal with are designed to teach us something, and when they don’t, it’s no one’s fault but our own.

At the end of her life, Ann gave back all she had left to give and took nothing with her but the love she had for us in her heart. She told me on one of those final days that she felt “blessed to have loved and been loved my so many wonderful people.”

We were blessed too.

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The ministry of hope, healing, and purpose is called Good Mourning Ministry, a Catholic bereavement apostolate, co-founded by my wife Sandy and myself. Sandy has been through her own grief journey, and we now feel called to help others who mourn. This ministry was founded in 2011, but the call from above came in 2010 during time before our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.

I have come to learn there are no stages to grief. We all experience loss in our own unique way. Healing is an intentional process, where we gather together as a community of faith to become disciples of hope. It is through prayerful reflection, practical learning and personal fellowship that we mourn. And in mourning we begin to build our bridge to a new and different life.

Sandy and I have held over 40 “Grieving with Great Hope” workshops with Catholic parishes throughout Michigan and Ohio, supporting the needs of over 1000 grieving people. The “Grieving with Great Hope” DVD Series is now in many parishes throughout the country. “Every parish should have your program. We are so grateful to have found GWGH and welcome it to Central Texas.” – Deacon Tim and Liz Hayden, Holy Family Parish Copperas Cove, TX.

Sandy and I have not only lived our own grief journeys, but we are now educated as well. In addition to being a published author, I am a Certified Grief Counselor. Sandy has a Master’s in Pastoral Ministry, emphasis in bereavement. Above all else, we too are disciples of HOPE. We are blessed.

For more information about The Greatest Gift or Good Mourning Ministry, please visit our website at http://www.goodmourningministry.net, or email us: goodmourningministry@hotmail.com.

Good Mourning Ministry is a Catholic bereavement apostolate. Our mission is to be a transformative ministry, to be bearers of hope and healing to those who mourn the loss of a loved one. The “Grieving with Great Hope” workshops are prayerful, practical and personal. About one-third of the time is spent in church, some of which is before the exposed Blessed Sacrament. The remaining time is used for learning and sharing in small groups. For more information, visit www.goodmourningministry.net.

Related Articles:

Matt and Lucy Coles, “In Sickness and In Health”
Book review of Grieving with Grace by Dolores Leckey
Chris Faddis, “Till Death Do Us Part”

“Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography”

At their November 2015 General Assembly, the bishops of the United States overwhelmingly approved a formal statement that addresses the many harmful effects of pornography use and offers a word of hope and healing for all the men, women, young people and children who have been negatively affected by pornography.

Called “Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography,” the full statement is available online at this link: www.usccb.org/cleanheart. The abridged version is available for purchase here.

Bishop Richard J. Malone, chairman of the Committee that spearheaded the statement’s development, said: “My brother bishops’ approval of this statement shows our collective concern for the widespread problem of pornography in our culture today. As the statement says, virtually everyone is affected by pornography in some way. So many people – including within the Church – are in need of Christ’s abundant mercy and healing. My hope is that the statement can serve as a foundation and catalyst for increased pastoral attention to this challenge at the national and local level.”

Resources for married couples struggling with pornography use can be found on For Your Marriage in the “Overcoming Obstacles: Pornography” section.

The Beatitudes, Marriage, and Family

The Beatitudes, found in Matthew 5, are at the heart of Christ’s teachings. Like the rest of the Gospel, these words are meant to be lived out in our daily lives – including in our marriages and families. Pope Francis has preached a number of times on the significance of the Beatitudes in the Christian life, calling them a “program for holiness.” This series, originally published on the USCCB website Marriage: Unique for a Reason, explores the way that the Beatitudes can be lived in relationships between spouses and family members.

This series, originally published on Marriage: Unique for a Reason, is a guest contribution by a Dominican student brother who partially fulfilled his pastoral ministry assignment by serving as an intern in the USCCB’s Secretariat for Laity, Marriage, Family Life, and Youth.

A Vatican Valentine’s Experience

On New Year’s Eve we traveled with friends to celebrate the ringing in of 2014 in Philadelphia. It was here that around 8:30 p.m., under the Ben Franklin Bridge, after ten years of friendship and three years of courtship, we got engaged. It was tremendously exciting. For us, this was something we had both been looking for, and we finally found it in each other. We got on our respective cell phones to call our families and inform them of the good news.

Upon our return to the Diocese of Brooklyn, the Coordinator for Marriage Ministry, Mrs. Ana Puente, informed us that Pope Francis was gathering engaged couples in Rome for a conference of sorts. The event would take place on the upcoming Valentine’s Day and was entitled “The Joy of Yes, Forever.” This would be a chance for us to gather with about 15,000 engaged couples and we would have the rare chance to receive advice for our own marriage and catechesis on the sacrament from Pope Francis himself!

We had a lot of questions: How could we take off from work? How could we afford it? Would the travel be too difficult? In many ways, I believe these were very similar questions that Joseph and Mary must have had as they began their lives together and ultimately made their journey to Bethlehem. We had faith. Not to say it was easy, but we made it work. A few weeks later, we were flying Al Italia and on our way to meet with the Pontiff.

The weather had been brutal back in the Diocese of Brooklyn, but in Rome it was like a beautiful spring day. On Valentine’s Day at 8:00 a.m., together with couples from all over the globe, we made our way through Vatican security and found seats in the third row, maybe one hundred feet from where the Holy Father would sit and address us.

Once we were seated, we noticed that in our excitement to get in and get seats that we missed receiving a packet from the attendants at the entrances. The packets were a gift, a gift from Pope Francis. All the couples in attendance were given a special pillow to use for their wedding bands on the day of their wedding, a gift from the Holy Father. Thankfully we were able to get a pillow too. This token is something very special that we will keep with us not only for our wedding day, but as a reminder that our faith will always play a large part in our marriage.

This wasn’t a conference where the Holy Father got up, gave a keynote for 45 minutes, took questions and walked out. There were a few people who got up and reflected on marriage, one of whom was a famous Italian comedian! Not something we were expecting. They also had a wonderful choir who sang songs in Italian, Spanish and English.

Once Pope Francis arrived, three lucky engaged couples from different parts of Europe were given the opportunity to present one question each to His Holiness about a Catholic engagement, wedding, and marriage. Pope Francis said A LOT, but here are a few topics that spoke to us and we wanted to share:

1. Marriage is more than saying “Yes.” Of course when we got engaged, we chose to say “yes” to one another. But, we also chose to say “no.” As we prepare for marriage, we have to understand that we say “no” to ourselves. No longer are we individuals, we are two who have become one. We say “no” to a life of selfishness and welcome a shared life, one that gives to each other. Sometimes this will be harder than others, but it is something that is important if we are to understand our vocation as a Catholic married couple.

2. Marriage is about more than just a wedding. Of course the planning of the wedding day can be a lot of fun and excitement (okay, and admittedly some headaches!). We’ve enjoyed planning the liturgy, picking a venue, and Paul’s favorite part, the food sampling, but it’s about more than that. It’s about preparing for a marriage. Learning to say “I am sorry” and learning to accept apologies, learning to compromise, learning to accept each other as we are. This is why the work of Marriage Ministry is so important. The Pre-Cana program for the Diocese of Brooklyn works to prepare couples, like ourselves, for this sacrament and how to live out our vocation as a married Catholic couple.

3. Marriage is about making each other better. The Holy Father reminded us that we are called to bring out the best of each other. Of course we want to make ourselves a better man/husband and woman/wife, but more so to bring us each closer to Christ. The Holy Father said that we should bring the best out of each other. Life isn’t always easy, as Mark Hart (of Life Teen fame) humorously put it, “Jesus invited us to the feast, but He never said it would be a picnic.” We need to be there for each other in those times of need.

Being with 30,000 people in St. Peter’s Square with the Holy Father, learning about our new vocation was spectacular. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that we are both grateful for. Please, keep us in your prayers as we prepare for our marriage as we will keep you all in ours.

About the authors
Paul Morisi is the Coordinator for Adolescent and Young Adult Faith Formation for the Diocese of Brooklyn and Alison Laird is a Kindergarten Teacher at Saint Savior Catholic Academy in Park Slope, Brooklyn. The couple met in a parish youth program 10 years ago this June and were married on February 15, 2015 at Saint Mary Gate of Heaven Church in Ozone Park, NY.

What Holiday Stress Means for Couples

With the arrival of Christmastime, great expectations reawaken in homes everywhere; gradually, an atmosphere of anticipation takes over.

Parents lay plans to make the season a uniquely happy one for their children – a tall order! Grandparents start longing to spend time with their family’s newest generation during the holidays, even if that will be accomplished only via Skype. And the doors of many households are opened as wide as possible to welcome friends and neighbors, a sign that this time of year is different.

Oh, and one other thing: Wives and husbands hope Christmastime will be special for them too, as a couple. But will it be?

Often enough, overloaded as it is with everyone else’s high expectations and the competing demands of family, friends and workplace associates, Christmastime is stressful for couples. Some wives and husbands feel that at best, they can muddle along until January.

Causes of Stress
But sometimes – many times — patience with each other runs thin for a wife and husband during the holidays. For a variety of reasons, stress gains the upper hand between them.

One spouse may be convinced that Christmas is unaffordable. He or she feels stressed-out by the cost of Christmas gifts and entertainment.
Another spouse may experience the stress of workplace demands that do not always subside to make room for a family’s overcrowded schedule of holiday festivities at school and church, with family and friends, or for shopping.
Some couples are stressed-out by the mere logistics of Christmas and the challenge of finding ways to celebrate with two sets of grandparents and two extended families.
Couples who make faith a priority cringe when the season’s real purpose gets left in the shadows, eclipsed by so much else that is happening.
There are, in addition, certain realities of life that do not manage to make themselves scarce just because Christmastime is here. Children get sick and require care; an overdue notice of an unpaid bill can still arrive in the mail; the furnace can stop working; the weather can get real bad.

Stress grows for couples when they feel pushed and pulled in two or three seemingly impossible directions at once. Stress grows as spouses become more and more fatigued from trying to meet others’ needs and expectations, and from the usually unfounded fear of somehow letting their family down at Christmas.

It is an unfortunate reality of life that the stress they feel often turns a wife and husband away from each other. At a time when they need each other, they may instead criticize each other, which experts agree will be unhelpful.

When you are under stress, “it can sometimes be tempting to take out your frustration verbally on those who are closest to you,” said ACCORD, the Irish Catholic bishops’ marriage care service. In a December 2009 message, ACCORD cautioned spouses that this could mean their frustration gets taken out on “the very person who can be [their] greatest ally and source of support.”

A similar point is made by the 2010 edition of “Fighting for Your Marriage,” the widely read and consulted book by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg. They note that when stress prevails, there is a tendency for spouses to “become more negative with each other.” These authors say to couples:

“When stressed-out, most people give others less benefit of the doubt and are quicker to react to frustrations with their partners. … Just when you need to be more supportive of each other, stress can lead you to turn against each other.”

How to Handle Stress
Advice for couples about dealing with stress was offered by John Gottman in his famed book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” Gottman is a U.S. researcher who has greatly influenced the direction of contemporary marriage studies.

Gottman advised spouses not to offer advice too quickly when one of them is suffering from stress. “The cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution,” he said.

And Gottman proposed that when one spouse feels stressed-out, the other should take that spouse’s side. “This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable,” Gottman wrote. He added that expressions of affection also are needed during these times.

The way I see it, couples under stress are at risk of meeting everyone’s needs but their own at Christmastime. I am sure some couples only hope that after the holidays, they will find a bit more time for each other.

It is no secret that many stressed-out couples worry about Christmas. They feel overwhelmed and inadequate in the face of the season’s great expectations, wondering how its promise of happiness will play-out in their home.

My wife and I are the parents of three and the grandparents of seven. I mention that only by way of saying that I know what holiday stress is all about. At the last moment, it is so easy to conclude that if only one or two more things were purchased or planned, Christmas would be a more perfect time for all.

At our house, we’ve stumbled along toward Christmas over and over again, wondering if we actually would survive until the big day or if anything about it would be memorable.

Christmas can be a happy time, for sure. But a perfect Christmas, I’ve concluded, is elusive – and probably impossible. And I think it has helped to learn that.

I can attest, though, that the memories of Christmases past are marvelous, which, I suppose, is why we’ll stumble along toward the great day again next year.

Advice to the Groom

Dear Dave,

When your mother and I got married, we used the standard vows right out of the book. I did not even know what my promises would be until the priest read them to me at the rehearsal. Just in case you have not read ahead, they go like this:

“I, David, take you, Lisa, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

No trick phrases. No hidden clauses. These vows are simple enough for Forrest Gump.

“I take you to be my wife,” is a very vague job description. Who will cook? Who will clean? Fix the car? Mow the lawn? Change the diapers? Different couples work it out different ways. It is not about who does what. The important thing is with whom you do it.

In the Song of Songs, the groom says, “There are sixty queens, eighty concubines, and maidens without number. One alone is my dove, my perfect one.” (Songs 6:8-9) There are beauty queens, video stars, and girls everywhere you look. This vow says, “Of all the girls, in all the world, you are the one for me. I take you”

“I promise to be true.” No cheating. No fooling around. Enough said.

“I will love you.” Do not confuse romance with love. Romance is an unreliable feeling that incites romantic notions such as, “I will climb the highest mountain for you. I will fight dragons for you. I will die for you.” Real life poses a different challenge:

You are sitting on the couch, watching TV, and go looking for a snack during a commercial. You find some apples in the refrigerator and pick out a good one. Then you call, “Lisa, do you want an apple?” “Sure, Dave. Thanks.” But there is no second apple that looks good. Heading back to the couch, you ponder which apple to give her. Romance says, “I will die for you.” Real life asks, “Are you going to give her the good apple?” Love says, “Yes, give her the best.”

“I will honor you.” This was the surprise vow for me. I did not expect to make a promise to honor her. But I gave it a try, and it worked out well. I stopped teasing her and made it a habit to defend her and take her side when friends or family wanted to pick on her.

Honor is the most unappreciated vow. Some husbands make jokes about their wives, with little put-downs that are supposed to be funny. These are bad jokes. They cut, they wound, and they destroy trust. A marriage can die the death of a thousand tiny cuts. Avoid negative humor. It is not funny.

Honor is about respect. Treat her like a queen. Make your children respect their mother. Don’t let anyone put her down. She is your lady, and your lady always gets treated with respect.

God bless you, Dave.

Love,
Dad

What’s Your Idea of Fun?

If there is a rock wall to climb nearby, Bob will be there. Any snow-covered slope is a potential cross country ski run. Bike rides and a gym workout are his way to have fun. Christine, on the other hand, loves to use her free time to snuggle up with a good book or lie on the couch watching a movie. The word sweat is not in her vocabulary.

When they were dating Christine went along willingly with Bob on his adventures. The novelty of swimming by moonlight and sleeping in tents drew her to his sense of adventure and love of the outdoors. Bob enjoyed quiet nights of watching movies with Christine as a perfect way to have quality time with her.

Then they were married. Within the first year her schooling and part-time work and his demanding job made free time for recreation increasingly difficult. On weekends, she would curl up with a book and he would go to the gym.

By the second year of marriage, they were spending much of their leisure time apart. Bob was riding with a bicycling club and was on a regular basketball team. Christine joined a book club at their church and went to chick flicks with girlfriends. They had begun to lead separate recreational lives and had very little time to spend alone together having fun. Fun had moved out of the house and into separate little cubicles occupied with same sex friends.

One night during a heated disagreement, Christine angrily accused Bob of “not being very much fun anymore.” He made a counter-accusation saying all she wanted to do was “sit around” and he didn’t think that was much fun at all.

How to Deal With Different Interests

It is not unusual for couples to have differing interests and tastes in recreation – or in any other area of life for that matter. It’s true that opposites attract and what might have seemed exciting about a partner’s habits during courtship often feels frustrating after marriage. Having different interests has the advantage of putting variety in a relationship and keeping things from getting stale.

Like every couple who has promised to love and honor one another, Christine and Bob have the opportunity to bring their differences to the table and to create a common life together combining strengths and interests to form an “us.” Such a partnership is a great enterprise, but not an easy one. A strong marriage requires both spouses to develop new ways of doing things while maintaining their own unique individuality. Couples can begin by doing what every successful partnership has done.

1. Build on strengths

Bob and Christine can begin by affirming each other. That means a word of encouragement or congratulations when a game is won or a book completed. It means asking about the movie’s theme or the game’s strategy allowing the other to share his or her excitement and interest. It’s easy to resent the play time of our partner when we are not involved, but resentment will only poison the partnership and distance the spouses from each other. Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

2. Name the problem

Effective partnerships face problems head on. Couples need to recognize and name the tension that is brewing. Issues that silently cause couples to drift apart lead to alienation and divorce. It’s an elephant in the room. Naming it gives Christine and Bob the power to change the situation. Discussing how to solve the problem begins with each partner showing a desire to share fun activities and to make compromises. It’s most effective to name the problem without accusations and to honestly talking about feelings and hopes for the future. If each spouse knows that the other is willing to sacrifice for the common good, it’s easier to find a workable compromise.

3. Plan for solutions

Like any strong partnership, a couple’s relationship has to have a plan for change. Bob and Christine need to make a plan to find new ways of deepening their friendship by having fun together. Compromise and negotiation are the rules for planning. Perhaps that means going to a hockey game one weekend and a movie the next. Or, when finances are limited, options might include playing cards or electronic games at home together or with another couple. Both spouses will have to give up some individual time in order to have joint recreational time.

4. Evaluate and start again

Partnership solutions are often found by trial and error. If one thing doesn’t work, smart partners try another. Because marriage is a covenant, there is no walking away from problems. Sources of help include advice from other couples, a book by marriage experts, or a marriage counseling.

Relaxation and play time strengthen friendship and contribute to marital bonding. In the vocation of Christian marriage husband, wife, and God are meant to share a holy unity – a “partnership of love and life.” That partnership includes the couple and God who is present within the challenges and joys of everyday life. In addressing their differences, Bob and Christine are bound to practice forgiveness, self-sacrifice, humility, and willingness to compromise for love. Doing that will make them better partners for each other and with God.

About the author
Mary Jo Pedersen is a teacher and trainer in the areas of marriage and family ministry and author of several books including For Better, For Worse, For God: Exploring The Holy Mystery Of Marriage, Loyola Press, 2008.

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