Author Archives: Caty Long

“Retreat with Pope Francis” Day Two: Christian Love is Concrete

Pope Francis:
“You see that the love John speaks of [1 Jn 4:11-18] is not the love of soap operas! No, it is something else. Christian love has a particular quality: concreteness. Jesus Himself, when He speaks of love, speaks to us about concrete things: feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, and many concrete things. Love is concrete.” (Mass at Casa Santa Marta, January 9, 2014)

Breaking open the theme:
The love between Christian spouses should not rely on romantic feelings alone. As Pope Francis said, Christian love is concrete and visible. It reveals itself in our everyday lives, in deeds both great and small. Words and affectionate language have their place, but actions speak volumes as well. Christian love is marked by selflessness, seeking to give rather than receive. Spouses are called to love in this way: to give to their spouse in the practical happenings of everyday life.

Reflection:
As time passed and they grew out of their “newlywed phase,” Jimmy and Sandra found that the affectionate language they had once used was fading. Instead of being sad about leaving an intensely romantic period in their marriage, the bride and groom developed new ways of showing their love for one another. A heartfelt “good morning, I love you!” conversation turned into doing both the cooking and cleaning when one of them had a long day at work. And yet, as more of their romantic notions transformed into practical self-gifts and mutual service, the couple found that they fell even more deeply in love.

Put it into practice:

Pray: Read Matthew 25:31-46 together with your spouse.
Reflect: Think about the concrete acts of the love in this passage: feeding the hungry, visiting the sick, etc. Which is hardest for you, and why?
Do: Is there a chore your beloved dislikes? Do it for them…with a smile.

Prayer for Married Couples:

Almighty and eternal God,
You blessed the union of husband and wife
So that we might reflect the union of Christ with his Church:
look with kindness on us.
Renew our marriage covenant.
Increase your love in us,
and strengthen our bond of peace
so that, [with our children],
we may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

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“Retreat with Pope Francis” Day Four: Christ Gives Couples the Confidence to Say “Yes” Forever

Pope Francis:
“We must not allow ourselves to be conquered by a ‘throwaway culture’. This fear of ‘forever’ is cured by entrusting oneself day by day to the Lord Jesus in a life that becomes a daily spiritual path of mutual growth, step by step.” (Valentine’s Day Address to Engaged Couples, February 14, 2014)

Breaking open the theme:
Many in our culture today think that it is not possible to love another person for the entirety of one’s life. Some protest that love “dies out” and say you can move on and find another person. Pope Francis, however, says that the fear of lifelong commitment is resolved by relying on Christ. In the Our Father, we say, “Give us this day our daily bread”; for Christian couples, we must also ask, “Give us this day our daily love.” If a Christian couple entrusts their love to Christ, He will sustain and multiply it. “He has an infinite reserve!” the Pope said.

Reflection:
Juan and Louisa had been married for about fifteen years when Louisa decided that she just didn’t feel that “spark of love” any longer. She convinced herself that their marriage was doomed and it was about time to call it quits. As she came home from work that day and went to approach her husband about her decision, she found him praying by their bedside. He prayed, “Lord, I feel as if my wife doesn’t love me anymore. I just don’t know where to go from here…please take control of our marriage and help us to love each other as we once did.” Immediately, her heart was moved as she realized that a “spark” would not save their marriage, but Christ could.

Put it into practice:

Pray: Pray a rosary together – or just a decade – and focus on how Mary relied not on her own strength but on God’s.
Reflect: How can you rely on Christ in your love for your spouse?
Do: Write your spouse a note about how your feelings for him or her have deepened over time.

Prayer for Married Couples
Almighty and eternal God,
You blessed the union of husband and wife
So that we might reflect the union of Christ with his Church:
look with kindness on us.
Renew our marriage covenant.
Increase your love in us,
and strengthen our bond of peace
so that, [with our children],
we may always rejoice in the gift of your blessing.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

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“Retreat with Pope Francis” Day One: Marriage is the Icon of God’s Love

Pope Francis:
“The image of God is the married couple: the man and the woman; not only the man, not only the woman, but both of them together. This is the image of God: love, God’s covenant with us is represented in that covenant between man and woman. And this is very beautiful!” (General Audience, April 2, 2014)

Breaking open the theme:
It is a beautiful truth! A husband and wife image God in their marital union. As the Second Vatican Council taught, married love is “caught up” in the divine love of God, who is a Communion of Persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (Gaudium et Spes, no. 48). In the union of husband and wife there is mutual love and reciprocity, which reflects the love of God Himself. In Ephesians, St. Paul teaches that Christian spouses reflect a “great mystery”: the nuptial relationship between Christ and His Church (Eph 5:21-22). In their ordinary lives, husbands and wives can be a visible sign of Christ’s love for His Church by giving themselves in fidelity and service to each other and to those around them. This is a high calling…and a beautiful one!

Reflection:
Think of an example of a good marriage. The husband and wife go out of their way to do nice things for each other. They give of their time and energy without asking for anything in return. They are faithfully committed to their marriage and are ready to make sacrifices for the other. Some could say they are head-over-heels in love with one another, even after many years! Does this describe your marriage? When spouses exhibit marital behavior like this, they help us understand what it means that marriage is an image of God’s love. Husbands and wives are called to display those qualities of love that Christ Himself displayed on the Cross.

Put it into practice:

Pray: Read together 1 Corinthians 13, St. Paul’s hymn of love.
Reflect: Is your love for each other patient, kind, etc. (from the list in 1 Corinthians)? Where can you grow?
Do: Place a picture from your wedding day in a well-trafficked area of your home (if there’s not one already), and put on it or next to it the words, “We are called to be an image of God’s love.” Consider this your daily reminder.

Prayer for Married Couples:

We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.

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Pope Benedict Focuses on Marriage and Family in Holy Family’s Home Town

Visiting Nazareth May 14, the city in northern Israel that he called the Holy Family’s “home town,” Pope Benedict accented the key role married couples fulfill today in “the building of a civilization of love.” The pope’s visit to Nazareth coincided with the conclusion of a Year of the Family celebrated by the church in the Holy Land.

During a Mass in Nazareth, the pope encouraged families to recognize their “irreplaceable mission” within society. He explained:

The love of a married man and woman “is raised by grace to become a sharing in, and an expression of, the love of Christ and the church.”
The family, grounded in the love of a marriage, “is called to be a ‘domestic church,’ a place of faith, of prayer and of loving concern for the true and enduring good of each of its members.”

A glimpse is caught of the family’s essential role “as the first building-block of a well-ordered and welcoming society” when it is realized that “in the family each person, whether the smallest child or the oldest relative, is valued for himself or herself, and not seen simply as a means to some other end,” Pope Benedict observed.

Calling the family a “school of wisdom,” Pope Benedict said it is in the family that people first learn to practice “those virtues which make for authentic happiness and lasting fulfillment.”

In his Nazareth homily, Pope Benedict turned attention briefly to each member of the Holy Family and the contribution to the family each was called to make. When he spoke of Mary, he focused on one of the themes of the Holy Land’s Year of the Family, the dignity and vocation of women in the home, the church and society.

Nazareth, the city of the Annunciation, “reminds us of our need to acknowledge and respect the God-given dignity and proper role of women, as well as their particular charisms and talents,” Pope Benedict said. “Whether as mothers in families, as a vital presence in the work force and the institutions of society, or in the particular vocation of following our Lord by the evangelical counsels of chastity, poverty and obedience, women have an indispensable role in creating that ‘human ecology’ which our world and this land so urgently need: a milieu in which children learn to love and to cherish others, to be honest and respectful to all, to practice the virtues of mercy and forgiveness.”

The pope spoke next of Joseph, saying that from his “strong and fatherly example Jesus learned the virtues of a manly piety, fidelity to one’s word, integrity and hard work.” In Joseph, “the carpenter of Nazareth,” Jesus saw that “authority placed at the service of love is infinitely more fruitful than the power which seeks to dominate.” The world today greatly “needs the example, guidance and quiet strength of men like Joseph,” the pope added.

Finally, turning to the youthful Jesus, Pope Benedict said he wanted “to leave a particular thought with the young people” present. Vatican Council II taught that children play a special role in their parents’ growth toward holiness, the pope noted. He said, “In the Holy Family of Nazareth, it was Jesus who taught Mary and Joseph something of the greatness of the love of God his heavenly Father, the ultimate source of all love.”

Pope Benedict also spoke on marriage and the family during a Mass May 10 in Amman, Jordan. In his homily there, as in Nazareth, he accented the dignity of women.

“From the very first pages of the Bible, we see how man and woman, created in the image of God, are meant to complement one another as stewards of God’s gifts and partners in communicating his gift of life, both physical and spiritual, to our world,” the pope said. However, he continued:

“Sadly, this God-given dignity and role of women have not always been sufficiently understood and esteemed. The church, and society as a whole, has come to realize how urgently we need what the late Pope John Paul II called the ‘prophetic charism’ of women as bearers of love, teachers of mercy and artisans of peace, bringing warmth and humanity to a world that all too often judges the value of a person by the cold criteria of usefulness and profit.”

About the author
David Gibson served for 37 years on the editorial staff at Catholic News Service, where he was the founding and long-time editor of Origins, CNS Documentary Service. David received a bachelor’s degree from St. John’s University in Minnesota and an M.A. in religious education from The Catholic University of America. Married for 38 years, he and his wife have three adult daughters and six grandchildren.

What Kind of Support Do Spouses Need From Each Other?

After two people marry, they are likely to seek a type of support from each other that they did not seek to the same degree before marrying, according to Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill.

Molden is finding through his research that married couples place a high premium on their partners’ support of whatever they determine to be necessary obligations. Married people need their spouse’s support for fulfilling their responsibilities and meeting their commitments.

Before people marry, they tend to focus much more on supporting each other in goals that are future oriented than on goals related to the security and maintenance of their life together, Molden’s research suggests. But engaged couples may not suspect how strongly they will need each other’s support after they marry not only for reaching goals, but for maintaining the security of their life together.

“People planning to get married should think about not only how their partners support what they hope to achieve but also about how their partners support what they feel obligated to accomplish,” said Molden. He added, “We could end up with both happier marriages and more satisfied people in general.”

Prior to marrying, people turn to each other for support in the emotional ups and downs of life and during times of stress. They also want each other’s support for reaching long-term goals and achieving their dreams. Molden’s work indicates that married people still seek that kind of support from each other but that their well-being demands another kind of support as well.

Molden believes couples planning to wed would do well to discuss the need they will have as a married couple for this type of support, perhaps in a marriage-preparation program.

Many couples “don’t spontaneously think about whether their partner supports their fulfillment of responsibilities and obligations when deciding to marry. So I do think that it is something that perhaps should be more of a focus in premarital counseling,” Molden told this Web site.

For example, Molden said, if two people were asked individually “to describe what they felt their primary responsibilities were — both inside and outside of the relationship — and then whether they feel their partner supports them in accomplishing those responsibilities, this would provide an idea of whether that type of support is there. If it were lacking, couples could be encouraged to think about what their partner could do to improve support in this area.”

Before marrying, “couples could be encouraged to think about whether their partner is someone who will not only be on board with the long-term hopes and aspirations they have set for themselves, but who will also appreciate and assist in the more immediate responsibilities they believe they must manage from day to day,” he said.

Molden was the lead researcher in a study to be published in the July issue of Psychological Science. Northwestern University released the study’s major findings April 22. The research suggests that when marriages end in divorce, a key reason could be that the kind of support the spouses need from each other is not present in their marriage.

Another Vocation Crisis for the Catholic Community: Marriage

“Marriage is indeed a vocation, and it is at the crisis point in too many homes,” said Archbishop John Vlazny of Portland, Ore. Thus, the Catholic community today not only confronts a crisis of vocations to the priesthood and consecrated life, but a marriage vocation crisis as well, the archbishop noted in a recent column.

Archbishop Vlazny cited a recent article on the marriage vocation crisis by Bishop Earl Boyea of Lansing, Mich. “We have a vocation crisis in America. This is not what you think. It is a vocation crisis in marriage,” Bishop Boyea wrote in the December 2008 edition of Faith magazine. He added:

“Many are no longer getting married — and too many do not see their marriage as a sacrament, a means of grace for themselves and their families. Yet marriage and family are the natural heart of our society and the spiritual core of our church.”

Archbishop Vlazny said that “successful marriages don’t just happen.” Instead, he wrote, they require “lots of care, attention and hard work.” The archbishop’s column appeared in the Feb. 12, 2009, edition of the Catholic Sentinel, newspaper of the Portland Archdiocese.

“Today’s culture demands a quick fix for every problem,” said Archbishop Vlazny. He wrote, “With approximately half the marriages in the United States ending in divorce, the indicators signal that couples nowadays have little stomach for ‘toughing things out’ and working through their misunderstandings and grievances.”

The archbishop said an important question for married couples is, “What have you done for your marriage today?” Successful marriage, he continued, “simply doesn’t work on automatic pilot.” The archbishop pointed out the resources available on this Web site, dev19.foryourmarriage.org.

Given all the challenges involved in “maintaining a loving relationship and growing into a mature marriage, a little expert advice may help,” Archbishop Vlazny said. He called it “rather naive” to think that newlyweds “can simply go it alone.”

While acknowledging that “some of the demands and sacrifices that eventually creep into a person’s life in living out a serious commitment like the one embraced in marriage are hard,” the archbishop said they also are often “the source of life’s greatest blessings and satisfaction.”

Some matters “are more important than others in making a marriage work,” the archbishop wrote. He cited:

Communication: “Skills such as active listening, paying attention to feelings and learning tips for ‘fighting fair’ ease the burden.”
Commitment and common values: “Commitment helps us overcome those moments when we are tired, annoyed or angry with each other.”
Shared values: “Sharing basic values such as children, honesty, fidelity and putting family before work go a long way.”
Spirituality: “Last but not least, spirituality helps couples seek the deeper meaning of life, one not focused simply on pleasure, but the common good.”

Seldom do marriages “die overnight,” Archbishop Vlazny wrote. Rather, “they tend to fade away because people have not attended to one another, allowed things to slide and naively presumed that bumps on the road would not unsettle their journey together.”

A marriage that lasts means “never taking anything for granted and making sure each partner regularly and faithfully takes steps to support and strengthen the bonds of love and fidelity,” said Archbishop Vlazny.

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